


Give Up The Ghost.

by Chaneladdict



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Bisexual James Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexuality, Bucky doesn't fall, Bucky/Steve/Peggy - Freeform, BuckyPeggy - Freeform, BuckyStevePeggy, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Eventual poly relations because yes, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Life-Affirming Sex, Listen this will make you ship Buggy ok, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Steve/ Angie acting out of grief, Multi, OT3, Pegging, Peggy and James deal with their feelings, PeggyBuckySteve do Europe, Polyamorous Bisexuality, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pregnancy, Protective Bucky Barnes, Semi AU, Steve Rogers Feels, Surprise!Steve, Threesome - F/M/M, stevebuckypeggy - Freeform, world War Threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-14 11:02:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 54
Words: 321,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2189244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaneladdict/pseuds/Chaneladdict
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post WW2 leaves Peggy Carter picking up the pieces of her world after the loss of Steve Rogers, left behind dealing with the same loss and longing, Bucky Barnes attempts, albeit halfheartedly, to pick up the pieces of the same war, the same loss. </p><p>With more in common than they at first care to admit, we see what happens to those Steve loved and had to leave behind... And what happens when he comes back and finds the two people he loved most in the world, in love with each other and still VERY much in love with him.</p><p>A story of finding love in the most unconventional of places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Be seeing you

**Author's Note:**

> Post WW2 leaves Peggy Carter picking up the pieces of her world after the loss of Steve Rogers, left behind dealing with the same loss and longing, Bucky Barnes attempts, albeit halfheartedly, to pick up the pieces of the same war, the same loss. 
> 
> With more in common than they at first care to admit, we see what to those Steve loved and had to leave behind... And what happens when he comes back to them and finds the two people he loved most in the world, in love with each other?
> 
> A story of finding love in the most unconventional of places.

  
  


Packing was always something Peggy found cathartic, while most hated it, she was a pro. Having done it on and off for years with boarding school, she loved it, as it symbolised a trip of some kind, a new place and new people.

Had it been a year? She thought, as she packed her bag for Washington, folding her freshly pressed blouses into her small case. Of course it had been a year, she had counted and been aware of every single slowly passing day between where she stood and then. But, she had a personal mission of sorts now, an action many might see as a waste of her time, or pointless, considering. But they were actions she needed to take. The fact that there was a grave at all was important, even if they never did recover his body, the grave was a symbol of his sacrifice.  And as a mark of what he meant to her, she would vow to visit when she could but at the least once a year on the day he saved the world.

The summer of 1945 was one of celebration for the world, the war was won and a hero saved them all from utter destruction. He was hailed a saviour and there were posters and stories, interviews and countless questions. But as things go, time passed and people, as they do, moved on. The kids still played with toy shields in games of heroic fiction, it made her smile to see when she would pass one or two on the street still. He would have liked that, she thought. He would have blushed, but he would have liked that. While the world celebrated, she and those who knew and loved him mourned. Their jobs were done now; they could go home, start a life. But what life did she have when it was meant to be with him? What life now that every option, every suitor was unsuitable simply because they just weren’t him?

The first year had been the worst, the mostly lonely she could remember, as she packed up her life in London for a permanent move to the States, to Brooklyn. A small gesture, but one that made her feel as close to him as she could get, such as things were.

She liked the community there, and their warm welcome to her once they found out she had worked with one of their own, one that they now claimed as a gone-too-soon son of Brooklyn. Like most things when it came to Steve’s legacy now, it was meant well but did very little to ease her aching heart.

She took a four day leave from her work, the absence of the job not something she welcomed, but the absence of the men she was forced to work with, a blessing. Making the drive to Washington allowed her time to simply decompress her worries and stresses. Of course, as always time alone allowed her too much time to think.

As was all too often lately.

It had been raining on and off all morning, but she was determined to do what she came to the city to do. So, finding a store and choosing some modest but appropriate red roses, she drove herself off to Arlington. Dozens of people were scattered at various graves, all in a state of mourning or remembrance. It gave her tiny warmth to know at least, she wasn’t alone in her emotions, as it so often seemed in the dark cold of the night.

She wasn’t alone in the graveyard, and as soon as she came up to where the memorial stood, she realised she wasn’t alone there either.

James Barnes sat just to the side, on the grass, and truth be told she almost didn’t recognise him.

When he heard the footsteps approach, he stood and it was then she noticed the half empty bottle of whiskey in hand.  He was a mess; physically his hair had grown longer – longer than regulation allowed, as was his week old beard. His clothes, once as shiny and straight as a new pin – even at the worst of times, she recalled he held himself to the same standard as Steve, uniform was always regulation perfection. Now, he looked tired and older than his years, his eyes rimmed red with tears or the alcohol, she wasn’t sure which. Both, she assumed. He looked as lonely as she felt.

“Agent Carter, this is a surprise.” He said in way of greeting, noting the flowers in her hands, and giving her the once over that reminded her of the way he had done so in that bar in London what felt like a lifetime ago.

“Sergeant Barnes, it’s nice to see you again.”

He cocked a brow at her then, a smirk dying on his face.

“Looks like we’re not the only ones coming to see him lately,” He commented and it was then she noticed, the memorial was covered in flowers, letters and ribbons, notes of thanks, and yet more flowers.

“Oh my…” she gasped, overwhelmed.

“I’ve been here a while, haven’t read half of what’s here.  I guess people be a lot more appreciative than I give ‘em credit for.” He was damp, his hair slicked back, his clothes showing signs that he had been there more than the time he suggested. The image of him standing in the rain alone was one that chilled her heart.

“I suppose so. They have a lot to be thankful to him for, we all do.”

He was silent and she looked at him then, he took a small swig of his bottle, clearly not caring about decorum.

“If you say so.” He added bitterly.

She sighed, ignoring him while placing her flowers in a sign of respect.

“You know he was allergic to pollen?” Barnes commented with a small cold laugh, “Hell, that kid was allergic to just about every damn thing. It’s a miracle he made it as long as he did.”

She knew he didn’t mean to be rude, or, hell, maybe he did, but she hadn’t missed his utterly dismissive attitude toward her. When it came down to it, she knew James Barnes didn’t like her much, if at all, never had done. For a long time she couldn’t quite figure out why that was. Until the day Steve died. Barnes had been forced on medical leave, the incident with the train hadn’t just broken his arm in five places, and almost leaving it mangled, but had done a number on him psychologically. Not that he ever would have admitted it to anyone. On the Captain’s orders, and reorders, and a shouting match heard half way across the base, he was encouraged to stay behind as the rest of the unit took on the Red Skull. Much to his bitter disappointment and during the time of their absence, constant ranting at how it was ‘stupid as shit’ that he was left behind because of a few broken bones. He was healing faster than normal, she had noticed, but it was just one more thing he wasn’t willing to talk about, at least not with her. But he was in the control room with her when Steve made the heart-breaking announcement that he was trapped with no way out and no other way to stop the world from ending other than to put the plane in the ground. Distraught she tried to convince him with gentle suggestion and encouragement, whereas Barnes just flat out lost his mind. All colour drained from his face as she sobbed, as he yelled at Steve to stop being a ‘goddamn martyr’ to ‘let someone else be the hero and come home you idiot’, the spoken and unspoken bond and love between them both.In those last moments was obvious to her, as it was that it went far beyond any brotherhood love.

 

“Drink?” he offered her after several long minutes of silent reflection, the bottle he was nursing didn’t look so appealing.

“No thank you.” She replied, maybe a little too sharply for his tastes.

He frowned before taking a swig.

“You just looked like you could use something to warm your bones. And I was brought up a gentleman, no matter what you may think of me, I was taught to share.”

She wondered if things had ended differently that day, just how willing he would have been to share. She pushed that thought aside with a sigh.

“You look dreadful by the way.”

“ _Thanks_. You Brits are real charmers anyone ever tell you that?”

“I prefer bluntly honest, but that in itself has its own charm.” She smiled then, before it quickly died on her lips, it felt false, it was false. “Is that all you’ve been living on lately?” She nodded to the bottle as he took another healthy gulp with a shrug.

“It works.”

“When was the last time you ate something proper?” She wasn’t worried about him, she wasn’t. She had no right to be.

“I’ve survived longer than this on a helluva lot less, don’t worry about me darlin’.”

“I don’t. I just know that he would have.”

That earned her a glare then, a hard one before he seemed to remember those hard learned manners and shook his head, blinking hard.

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

She broke contact with his bloodshot blue eyes then, focusing on the memorial text, which hailed Captain America a hero to the world. It left a bitter taste in her mouth.

“Well.” She said to no one or maybe to herself before she took a step back. “I must be getting back,” she didn’t need to. She was just going back to her hotel room to be alone, as usual, but standing there with him wasn’t doing either of them much good either. “It’ll rain again soon I imagine,” she looked skyward and then to Barnes, who was lost in thoughts staring at the same memorial text. She held out her umbrella.

“Here, you’ll need it more than I will.”

His face softened then before he shook his head.

“No ma’am that’s not necessary.”

She left it by his feet, taking another step back, and then another.

“I was taught to share too, use it, to stop you getting ill at the very least.”

With a few more steps backward she turned away from the sad figure by the pseudo-grave.

“Thank you.” He called after her and she just turned quickly, this time wearing a more genuine smile before nodding.

“Goodbye Sergeant.”

He scratched the back of his neck then.

“Yeah, be seein’ you, Agent Carter.”

And she would, though it would be later rather than sooner as it turned out, a year to the day to be exact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like what you see don't forget to review! xo


	2. A Handsome Young Couple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much lovelies for the messages both here and on Tumblr about this! I'm excited you're excited! Onward!! :D

Chapter 2

The next year was a rather eventful one for Peggy professionally at least. She went from loathing her job – being treated like a piece of pretty furniture rather than a useful, competent agent, to teaming up with Stark full time, working together piecing together the foundations for what they hoped would be a new and better future in Intelligence. It wasn’t easy, but she hated easy, she loved a challenge, heading to bed at night her head so full of ideas and plans, her body wrung out from exhaustion. It was appealing in more ways than just the workload, it kept her mind busy, which kept it from wandering, which thankfully put to rest – at least for a time – her grief and sadness. That she allowed now only in the late of the night, it crept in even when she willed it not to. But, for the most part she was able to compartmentalise her problems. The job came first, and once she had her priorities straight it was a brave or stupid man who would even dare deter her from her tasks.

 

For Bucky it was different, for a time after the war he had considered going back to the army, in some capacity, just to keep busy. But he looked at the uniform hanging in his closet, next to Steve’s and just couldn’t make himself do it. For the first few months it was a rootless, drunken stupor, as he moved out of Brooklyn as far away from their old haunts as he could and still be in New York, technically. He had taken up a job at a textile factory, one he knew he was lucky to get, considering the demand for jobs jumped as the men who managed to actually survive war had to contend just surviving life on the return. He knew he was what they called ‘shell shocked’, knew most of his men were too, no one came back from a war the same man after all. But his concern laid less with his mind and more what they did to his body. What Zola did, what exactly was in those injections and drips, what they did to him when he lost days of time, waking up for seconds only to be put under again? He battled with that daily and nightly more than the guilt of killing, less than the grief of losing Steve.

All in all his mind kept him too busy for his body to do much else other than barely survive.

Steve would be furious.

Seeing Agent Carter at the memorial was a surprise and not all at once. He had thought about her over the course of the year since he had last seen her, since he stormed out of that control room holding back sobs, unable to breathe, showing no concern for her or what a shock she had also just received. Hindsight left him feeling like an asshole, but at the time it was as if he had tunnel vision, and felt as though his heart was being ripped from his chest.

She hadn’t changed much in the year, not that he had expected her too. She was a little paler, her hair a little longer; noticeable absence of her trademark red lips too, now in their place a more natural shade of dusk rose.

She was still that frightening yet beautiful porcelain covered steel.

The discomfort he felt around her was still very real. He didn’t fear her because she was a strong woman capable of ending his existence with a mere look, no. He feared her because of the feelings she invoked within him, always had done.

She had seen Steve for who he really was, the first woman to actually do so, and he knew then that he never stood a chance with her in the picture. With her, Steve was able to have a real life, a normal life with no dark corners, no dirty little secrets.

And he was the ultimate dirty little secret.

And she knew that now, she knew – she had to have done – neither he nor Steve had cared about hiding their feelings in his last moments, regardless if it was only her or a hundred people in that room. It wouldn’t have changed his words in the end.

‘I love you, I need you, please don’t do this, please come home, Steve. Please.’

But she didn’t treat him like he was dirty or wrong, not then when she treated him with the same professional coldness reserved for anyone but Steve, and maybe Philips – their father daughter relationship had always amused him somewhat. But now, it was just them, and seeing her there knocked the breath out of his lungs for longer than he cared to admit.  They were two people who could not be more different in every way.

Every way except one, they both loved and mourned the one guy it seemed neither of them could live a full life without.

And that was something Bucky hadn’t had in a long time, someone with mutual life experience.

The next year passed in the same hazy blur as the one before, he got drunk too often, slept too late, ate too little and felt and looked like hell because of it, though the struggle to care was very real. He made the same trip as the year before,  this time taking a little more care with his clothes – clean and pressed for a change, and a few other things just in case.

She was there before him this year; his cab dropped him off not far from where she stood, but enough of a walk that he could silently admire her from afar.

Her long hair down in soft waves that blew in the wind slightly, it was a warm enough day but the breeze wasn’t unwelcome. She stood in a navy dress, stockings, and low heeled shoes in the same shade as her dress, he looked down at his suit and realised that they were accidently matching. He didn’t want to wear black, was sick of black suits and crisp white shirts, of what they represented – funerals, death. Instead he was in navy and a light blue shirt, no tie; he felt more at ease though walking up to stand beside her quickly threw that ease a mile away.

“Hi there.” He said, far enough away that he wouldn’t scare her, though; he figured it took a lot more than that to scare a woman like her.

She smiled as she turned, her eyes glassy, her hands still holding some pretty red roses.

“I was wondering if I would see you today, how are you?”

He shrugged. Taking note of the grave, the dozens and dozens of notes were here again, though less than before. That irked him, for some reason. But, instead of focusing on that, he laid the single white rose he had bought on a whim, stupid because Steve wasn’t even there. God only knew where Steve was.

“I’ve been okay, getting by. You?”

She nodded.

“Much the same, working mostly, avoiding life’s other responsibilities the rest of the time.”

She went on to explain she was working with and for Stark full time now, and that even though he tried her patience on her best days, he was still a thousand steps up from her old position.

He took a seat then, on the grass as he had done before, this time offering her a spot next to him, which surprisingly she took.

“Same old, though I have seen Dugan and Jones from time to time, just the usual shooting the shit with them –“he blushed – “Excuse me, I don’t mean to –“

“Barnes, really, you think I spent all those years surrounded by burly entitled men and managed to keep an innocent school girl’s vocabulary? I can swear it up with the best of them, don’t be fooled.”

He smiled at that, he was sure she could. He found himself wanting to see it in action.

“I’ll bet. You’re a real bad ass woman, Carter.”

She smirked then, flipping her hair to the side of her neck, and there it was again a waft of rose and lavender. It was beautiful.

“Yes, and don’t you forget it.”

“In that case, I think we should raise a toast.”

She looked confused for a second before he opened his coat to expose the quarter bottle of liquor stashed in his pocket, and on the other one two small glasses stacked.

She closed her eyes in exasperation and laughed.

“You brought glasses?”

He shrugged.

“Figured you were a lady after all,” she interrupted him with a scoffing laugh, but he continued, “and ladies drink proper and what not.”

She just rolled her eyes, not commenting on how he must have anticipated seeing here there that day. Instead, she took the glass and nodded for him to pour. He did, before he clinked glasses with her.

“To badass Dames,” She cocked a brow and he nodded.

“Ladies, women, females – May we  know  them, may we  love  them, and may we have the  luck  to see them run the world.”

She smiled at that before they drank the drab, before refilling and she watched Barnes spill some onto the ground.

“For Steve.”

She nodded.

“The fucking idiot,” He continued before he downed the drink in one. The drink burned the back of her throat but seemed to have zero effect on Barnes.

“You know he was such an easy drunk, not hard when you’re less than a hundred pounds and a lightweight to boot, but man.” He shook his head putting down the bottle “Three drinks in and he was out like a light.” He spoke, lost in thought with a sad smile, “More times than I can could count had to carry him back and dump him in his bed, but he never got sick though, probably too damn polite to throw up.”

Steve loved everyone when he was drunk, the bartender was his new best friend, the women of the night they’d pass on the way home were the most beautiful women he’d ever laid eyes on  ‘what they do to earn their crust is not our business, Buck!’ he’d argue and he wasn’t wrong. 

“It annoyed him to find out he could no longer get drunk, because of the serum, he said you would find that hilarious.”

He smiled then, just for a second.

“When I got back… seeing him changed it was a huge adjustment, you know? My  …Steve  all …well... different.” He stammered before pouring himself another drink, offering her another, which she allowed. “Had to make sure he was okay, that couldn’t have been easy, but he seemed fine, seemed good. Healthy for the first time in his damn life… I mean the height and the muscle and all the power was great, but one of the first things he said to me was  ‘Buck, I can breathe .’ And that’s when I stopped being worried about what it did to him, whatever else he was able to breathe and walk and hear and see perfect, everything else was just…gravy.”

“He was so utterly convinced you were alive, that faith was something I hadn’t witnessed before … or since. He was prepared to walk all the way there just to see, on the slight off chance that you might be alive.” She shook her head with a smile, taking a small sip from her glass. “It was truly something.”

“Something idiotic.”

“No,” she chastised him with a look and her tone; he had the sense to look abashed. “He risked everything, not to mention his life, just on the off chance –“

“I know, believe me I know, I’m sorry I just… I know Steve was a damn hero. The problem was I knew it long before he got tall and was subjected to whatever the hell you people did to him. So, believe me when I say Miss Carter, that I know what Steve Rogers was capable of. It just …never mind.” He picked at some grass then, firing it to his left.

“It just wasn’t fair, I understand that. He was too young, too willing to do the right thing for everyone else but himself. But, had he not, we’d all be dust right now and I don’t know but for me that’s a comforting fact to hold on to. I miss him and the life we might have had …  might have being the operative phrase mind you. But, I miss my friend and I know you do too, and that’s the bottom line.”

He looked at her then, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“That all he was? A friend?”

For some reason his tone irked her. It was almost mocking her choice of words.

“He was as much my friend as he was yours.”

It was as if a switch flipped then, the tension between them tripling.

“Yeah,” He sounded out before taking a slug of his drink, “We’re both smart enough to know that’s a lie.” He sighed then before speaking. “I’m not drunk enough for this conversation.”

She looked onto the vast grounds before them, covered in death, and yet something beautiful and peaceful at the same time. He was helping himself to another top up, and he took discarded glass to do the same for her.

She was driving back to her hotel, she had to slow down.

“It is a conversation you should have, with someone, at some point.” She offered taking the glass and taking a sip this time.

“It won’t change nothin’ if I talk or keep my mouth shut. It’s better this way, for everyone. People don’t need to be knowin’ this.”

He had a point, what they were both implying was still very illegal and could end badly for him. She knew Barnes thought more of Steve’s reputation, even in death, than he thought for his own life. His concern and love for the other man was something she admired, whether she had the right to do so or not. After all, it wasn’t any of her business.

She stood then and he squinted up at her, the mid-afternoon sun in his eyes.

“Walk with me Barnes, I need air to fade some of this alcohol before I drive back to the hotel.” She held out her hand, nervous to touch him, nervous that he would reject her.

He didn’t.

Instead a large, warm and surprisingly soft hand took hers as she pulled him to his feet. He offered her his elbow and she smirked.

“As I said before Miss Carter, I was raised right.”

“Mmmhm,” She said with a smile, taking his offer as they left the memorial and their drinks behind them and began what would turn into a twenty minute stroll around the grounds. “It’s peaceful here.”

“Graveyards usually are people here aren’t so chatty you know what I mean?” He sassed, earning him a dig in the ribs.

“Very funny you.”

He just grinned down at her. Though he was shorter than Steve just by a little, he was still a very tall, handsome man in his own right. Something about his eyes they gave him away, beyond the cocky exterior; his eyes told a much more sombre tale. He was thinner in the face than he had been even the year before, dark circles under his eyes meant no sleep or proper hydration, and judging by how his suit hung on his frame, little care for proper nutrition either.

“And if they are it would be more terrifying than social.” He grinned again before they turned the corner, passing another, older couple on their way who nodded at them in way of passing.

“Such a handsome young couple, Pauline,” They heard the man comment, causing them both to look at the other awkwardly, and bust out laughing. Cautiously Peggy let go of his elbow, choosing instead to walk unaided. Bucky tried not to take it personally, after all, he wasn’t her type and being mistaken as such probably wasn’t what she wanted. As they rounded the corner again, this time at her car, their conversation about Stark and his newest crazy innovations came to a halt.

“Listen, I’m staying at the Beaux Arts Hamilton in the city, I …well if you wanted you could drop by for dinner.” She was flustered, and she hated that feeling. It wasn’t like it was a date or anything of the sort thank you very much, but still; all the same she felt the anxiety rise in her body. She could kill a man from twenty feet, in the dark and in the rain, but ask one out to dinner and she’s a mess.

Bloody hell.

He bit his bottom lip then, surpressing a smile.

“Oh I …”

“I mean only if you want. I hate eating alone, really so this is an entirely selfish invite.” She attempted to sound casual, because it was causal damnit.

“You sure know how to make a guy feel special, Carter.” And he was ribbing her, she knew it, so she just rolled her eyes as she hopped into her car.

“Oh please, your delicate sensibilities astound me, Barnes. Eat or don’t eat I don’t care; just know that I - a person who needs more than liquor to survive shall be eating at seven. Whether you decide to show or not.” With that she closed the car door and revved the engine to life.

She ignored the fact that she was blushing hot as she drove away. Because really it was just the walking and the sun. that’s all it was.

That’s absolutely all it was.

 


	3. Jealous Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bucky fucks up, he fucks up big time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for the love guys! I'm having fun with this so far and the cheer-leading is helping like woah! Hope you enjoy! xo

Peggy got back to her room, ordered some tea and a newspaper and slipped out of her heels. She had vowed no work for the two days she would be in Washington, but old habits die hard and she had case files to glance over in her briefcase. A half hour call to Howard for an update and she was ready to wash up for dinner. She hadn’t expected to hear from Barnes, one way or the other, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t hoping just a little that he might show. She wasn’t sure why she suddenly cared. Maybe it was how tired he looked, how starved; for food, conversation, company. Two of those hungers she recognised quite well, the other she was thankful she was in a position to never have had to experience it.  But she did care now, and once she found herself on a certain path there was little that could be done to deter it. If she took a little more time to pin her hair, or do her makeup, it was for no one but herself.

Her mother always did say that looking ones best was just good manners.

Even if she was dining alone.

She took her seat by the window and ignored the other coupled up diners, though there had been one or two men also dining alone. She bet none of them got stared down in judgement as she did, but it was par the course of her life at that point.

She ordered herself a drink and took a leisurely glance at the menu. Of course it was then that a ‘gentleman’ from the bar decided to make his presence known, much to her chagrin.

“Well hi there,” he said, standing by her seat. She looked up slowly, trying with every second to silently vibe how uninterested she was in whatever he thought this was.

“Hello?”

“I couldn’t help but notice you’re here by yourself, and well, so am I.”

“Actually –“

“Oh you got an accent on you, that’s sweet, you’re English then?” He was leering and it was annoying. He wasn’t even attempting to be subtle about it either.

“I am, but really –“

Her frustration was growing by the second, though the barfly seemingly didn’t notice.

“It’s funny,” he said while taking the seat across from her. “I have a few friends across the sea now. What part of the former motherland are you from then?”

“Well –“

“No, no, let me guess, proper Dame like yourself, you look real smart, educated like, and damn fine if I may say so myself.”

“You may  not , Sir.” Peggy was seconds away from revealing the small knife she carried in her garter on her left leg.

“Aw come on, Doll. Don’t be like this. I just want to offer you a drink and some company that’s all.”

With that her own drink arrived, which she accepted gracefully.

“As you can see I’m just fine for drinks, and for company.”

“I don’t see anyone here with you –“

“Honey! I am so sorry I’m late. Traffic was absolute murder, a truck overturned on the … well it’s not important.”  At that he came sweeping in, kissing her sweetly on the cheek before leaning back with a smile. He smelled like soap and toothpaste, a nice change for him.

“Uh, can I help you with something, Pal?”

Barfly looked between Peggy and Barnes before raising his brows.

“Uh, no I was just –“

“In my seat and in the way, from the looks of things? Seems to me the lady was making it real clear she had no desire for your company. You a gentleman that can’t take no for an answer?”

“N-No?”

“No. Didn’t think so.”

There was a second or two pause before Bucky spoke again, this time all light and pretense absent and she was reminded of the perfect shot marksman he was during the war.

“You’re still in my seat.”

With that, Barfly got up, mumbling apologies before making his way to the other side of the restaurant and seemingly disappearing.

Neither of them spoke while Bucky poured himself some water, but she just couldn’t take the silence and broke it.

“I had things under control, you know.”

“Oh, I know I bet you’re armed too ain’t ya?” he said with a quirk of his brow, forcing her to bite her lip.

“Oh my God you are! A pistol?”

“A knife,” she admitted, looking out from under her lashes, sipping her drink as if she’d just admitted nothing of the sort. His eyes went wide, and then he smiled.

“Amazing. Remind me never to piss you off, Carter.”

“You’re late,” she quipped with a cocked brow.

“Mmm, traffic really  was terrible. I got out of the cab, walked the last two blocks. I’m starving, what’s good here?”

And that’s how the first time they sat and shared a meal together began. They found that conversation came unexpectedly easily, good food was welcomed, as well as more than a few bottles of wine. Before they knew it the restaurant staff was cleaning up. It had just struck midnight. Had they really talked for five hours? They had certainly drank for that long. Bucky was actually feeling buzzed if not outright drunk, and Peggy Carter - who had started swearing like a sailor a few hours before - was smashed. Giving out stink about Howard and his unrealistic expectations, his ‘bloody brilliant madness’ that she was sure was one day going to get them all killed. But that where she was now, working toward a massive goal was as invigorating and as necessary as she’d ever known a job to be. Howard was still a womanising basket case and she had never ending tales about him, all of which were funny no matter how she told them.

She was a hell of an amusing drunk. Bucky hadn’t laughed or smiled as much in what felt like decades. She was full of stories about her training days, all the shit she had to put up with, right up to Philips and his grumpy old man act but really he was a big old softie. And a few stories from her time with Steve.

That son of a bitch jumped on a goddamn grenade?!

“Oh but it was something! All the other boys, all of them at least a foot taller and a good few hundred pounds on Steve at the time, all of them ran like little girls ran from spiders. Their faces when he landed on it, attempting to get us all out of range.” She sighed, wistfully. “It was something I won’t soon forget, that’s for sure. I think even then he earned points with Philips, which was no easy task.”

“Yeah Steve had this way of just winning people over no matter where we went, it’s why it confused me so damn much with women you know? He could charm anyone. His Ma used to say he inherited his grandfather’s Irish charm. He used to counter it with how he inherited his bad lungs too, but he was difficult to say no to, even when you knew better.”

He had no idea where that had come from it wasn’t even the topic of conversation.

She nodded, finishing her glass of wine and fidgeting with the glass.

“I imagine for you it would have been difficult.”

That earned her a hard look.

“No – I just mean…” she sighed. “I just mean having known him for as long as you did. Truth be told I was always a little jealous of you. More than a little, really.”

Now that had surprised the hell out of him, which probably showed on his face.

“What the hell were you jealous of me for?”

She shrugged.

“Please, Barnes. I may have had feelings for him but I wasn’t blind to his feelings for you. Or yours for him come to that.” She whispered now, even though they were the last ones in the hotel restaurant, promising that these drinks were their last. “I wasn’t sure of course, you both weren’t stupid. But… well when I was sure, it was obvious looking back once you knew. Hindsight being what it is an all.”

“Jealous of me, goddamn.” He drained his whiskey,then looked at her. “If anyone was being eaten alive by jealousy it was me.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Come on…”

“Hand to God, Carter. You were what I always said I wanted for him, a smart, beautiful woman who could kick his ass – serum or none - you still could have. And I said I wanted that for him, but the second I saw the way he looked at you … Jesus … I ...”

“Not as fun in reality then.”

“Really not.”

She sighed then.

“Moot points now, I suppose.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

And it was. He never made the choice because he never got the chance. A fact that would never stop being beyond unfair in Bucky’s mind.

“Are we drunk? No! I have to drive I can’t be drunk,” she whispered harshly, seemingly to herself. It made him laugh.

“We’re in your hotel, you lush,” he said while standing and once again offering her his elbow. She looked at it and him questionably.

He got it. Once upon a time he would have tried anything with a beautiful woman with curves like Carter’s, but that was a lifetime ago as far as he was concerned.

“Walking you to your room then I’m going to get a cab, that okay?”

She accepted, internally cursing herself for relaxing so much and getting so liquored up. By the time they were in the elevator to her floor, she was coming back to herself quickly.

“Thank you for the company this evening, it was … Well, it was nice.”

He nodded before the doors opened and when he placed his hand on the small of her back as she stepped out she ignored the chill it sent through her. She also ignored him blatantly checking out her arse.

Not the first time she had caught him doing that.

Her memory floated back to another life, another red dress.

As they got to her door, things like reality set in and it was a tad awkward.

He laughed in an attempt to break the tension between them both. It was awkward, of course, but he knew that could be overcome with some charm, if he only had it in him anymore to fake it.

“I uh… well.”

“Right,” he smiled awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck as he spoke. “Well, Miss Carter, it’s been a trip. Get back to New York safely.” He leaned in then to kiss her on the cheek and she allowed it. He noted right away how warm her skin was, how lovely she smelled. She always smelled good, even during a war when it was damn hard to smell of anything other than gunpowder, sweat and fear, Margaret Carter always smelled of lavender and roses.

It had been a real long time since he’d been near anyone that smelled as good as she did. He ignored the shiver that ran down his spine as he stepped back. But before he could move too far her hand was on his jacket. She was shaking, and as much as he wanted to blame the drink, he knew he couldn’t. He looked at her hand instead of her eyes. He knew if he did whatever sense he had was out the window.

But then she spoke. She said his first name in what felt like forever – if ever – and whatever denial he had left crumbled.

His kiss wasn’t gentle, but then again nor was hers. This wasn’t about love or sweetness or anything other than two people needing to be touched, to be reminded that they weren’t alone and that drowning in their grief could be lessened just slightly for a time. He pushed her up against the door, right there in the hallway, his mouth never leaving hers. Wet and warm and so wanting, needing, with every gentlemanly thing he thought disappearing. Instead of stopping and wishing her goodnight, he pushed her harder against the dark wooden door, making her moan, loving how it sounded, and he didn’t stop himself from grinding into her there in the hall. It was dangerous, but then he was dangerous, for both of them. His hand slid up her leg, to her thigh and the sensation he felt when he touched the knife tucked into her garters went straight to his dick.

Maybe he wasn’t the only dangerous one after all.

“Christ…” he moaned as she broke away, her hand on a key – where that came from he would never know - but the key turned and suddenly they were on the other side of the door. This time she had him pushed up against it, smaller than him, even in her heels. Weaker too, but he knew only in physical strength was she weaker than anyone in the world. Ignoring it, he allowed himself to get lost in the taste of her mouth, the feel of her warm hands on his neck. He was not focusing on how the last person he kissed was Steve. Hell, he wasn’t focusing on the fact that the last person they’d both kissed was Steve.

Steve.

Fuck.

“Wait…Wait,” he said, letting her go and stepping back. He rubbed his face he took in what she looked like before him.

Wrecked.

Her hair messed up, lipstick past her mouth, dress askew, and she had never looked more beautiful.

“I… this …” he started but wasn’t sure where he was going.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have –“ She was blushing now, and not just from their kisses.

“No it wasn’t you… it’s not you.” You’re perfect, he wanted to say, but didn’t. Before it wouldn’t have mattered much who or what she was if she was a Dame that looked and smelled like she did. And if she had her hands on him like she just did, then it was a done deal. But things were different now. He was different and so goddamn scared of just how different. And she sure as hell wasn’t just some stranger.

“You … you don’t want me.”

She looked confused then, making an attempt to smooth her dress and her hair.

“What do you mean I don’t want –“

“You want  him ,” he said quietly. Almost too quietly, but she definitely heard him.

“That’s not –“

“Don’t lie, okay? Just…don’t.” He was willing his hard-on to fade, to please just stop wanting her, but it wasn’t working. He was riled up in more ways than one and of course like a right hook to a hot button, his blood was pumping and fucking everything up.

“Peggy come on! You don’t want me, okay? You want the good guy. The honest, sweetheart guy who’ll wed you before he beds you, not someone like me who’ll fuck you and never call you again. Because that’s what I do. That’s who I am, okay? You wanted Steve, the shining golden boy, the shield. I’m the weapon. I’m the one that puts the bullet through the heads that get past the shield. I’m the one that was fucking the man you wanted when you wanted him, right under your nose.”

She looked as if someone slapped her. He hated that he was the one doing this, but it was as if someone else was pulling his strings. What was coming out of his mouth couldn’t be stopped no matter how wrong he knew it was to say.

“Do you know, huh? Just how indecent he  really  was? Course you didn’t. He was the perfect gent with you, all blushes and coyness and then he’d go and push me into a dark hallway and kiss me and rut against me, whispering promises in my ear. Do you know how many times I had him? Hell, even I lost count. No one saw what I saw before you people changed him and it was a damn shame because that boy could fuck you like no one else.”

“Barnes!” 

She hated that his voice was panicked, as if he was on the verge of an attack of some kind, as if he didn’t really fully understand what he was saying. But she knew that wasn’t the case. He knew, and he was doing it on purpose to push her.

“No! He was amazing, Carter, damn amazing. Then…” he ran his fingers through his hair, “when your guys got a hold of him and turned the little righteous guy filled with anger and pride and honesty and the need to do the right thing - everything in him got … multiplied. He became a hero, the one that I always saw. Even if you all painted him as this icon of good old fashioned heroic Americana, that didn’t stop us any chance we got right there in his quarters, right there in our tents. The Holy Joe taxpayers would lose their minds if they knew what the mouth of America’s greatest hope was capable of in the dark. He was far too decent to make a move on you … with me he never had any hesitation –“

He didn’t get to finish his rant when the sharp sting and the echoing sound of her hand slapping his face took over.

“Get out,” she hissed then, her voice low.

He grinned then. It wasn’t genuine, and she knew that. It was forced and deliberately filled with malice.

“Told you, you don’t want me.” She hated the look sadness in his eyes at this apparent inevitability. 

“Get. Out.” She managed to be louder this time, the anger evident now, just like he wanted.

Barnes just grabbed his jacket off the floor, sweeping it under his arm with a nod.

She was so livid with him, but not for the reason he wanted her to be.

_Idiot_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? :D


	4. Boys With Mouths Made For Sinning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christ, if that was half the look the poor girls of Brooklyn were getting she was positive why virtues were being lost left right and centre to James Barnes and his goddamn beauty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Bucky fucks things up again, but this time in the more positive sense of the word ;)

After the mess he had made that night he skipped out of Washington as soon as he woke up that morning, not bothering to eat and only allowing a little time for a quick wash before he caught the six am train. He was at war with himself over how stupid and cruel he had been to her, out of nowhere, just to prove a point to himself.

He was an idiot.

But she was better off without him. Most people were.  And while it wasn’t as if he hadn’t gotten off with a woman or two liquored up before, he knew, even in his messed up state of mind that she deserved better than that. And that’s what it all boiled down to really, she deserved better.

Better than him.

“You’re a dumbass kid, you know that?” Dum-Dum commented when he had reluctantly told him the tale over a few beers a couple of weeks later.

“I know that, but thank you once again for pointing it out.” He was miserable, and this wasn’t helping.

“Bucky, you gotta start living your life. You’re young, and when you don’t have that sour puss on you, I assume people find you attractive,” he said with a grin, sipping his ale. “You need to stop living in the past.”

“Oh yeah, explain to me how I’m meant to just get over it then huh?”

His friend sighed then.

“That’s not what I mean and you know it damn well. I just mean get out there, make an effort to live instead of just existing. He wouldn’t have wanted that. It wasn’t what we fought for Buck, it wasn’t what he died for neither.”

“I mean to,” Bucky sighed finishing off his whiskey. “I mean to do it, you know? But when it comes down to it, I just can’t.”

The older man nodded, patting him on the shoulder.

“Rogers left a gap, no doubt about it. You just … you have to try to mourn his passing but remember that he would be at your back pushing you toward life, toward a good woman or … whatever. That’s what you need to remember. You were always the one trying to get him settled, and you think he wouldn’t be doing the same for you now?”

“What do you mean ‘or whatever’?”

He was terrified of the answer. Of his friend turning to him and rolling his eyes, or worse, acting out in violence, declaring he knew he was a damn queer and to stop moping about his dead lover.

That never happened though, his friend just smiled.

“I don’t know Barnes, maybe a good woman isn’t what you want? We could find you a few bad ones if you’d like. Whatever floats your boat, I say.”

“Yeah well, it feels like my boat’s sunk.”

“Why? Because you put the moves on Agent Carter? Bucky, I’m surprised you did that, then changed your damn mind for one, because … well, because that woman was a bright light of sweet smelling kick ass in the dark of battlefield Europe for many a man.”

“Yeah but–”

“But he was sweet on her, I know, we all knew. That doesn’t mean that your feelings or hers for that matter aren’t valid now.”

“I know that. I know, it still just feels…”

“It feels like you’re betraying him somehow?”

Bucky nodded, signalling for another round.

“Yeah, I only wanted him to be happy and I think with her-”

“He’s gone, Buck. It’s hard as hell, but it’s reality. You can pray to him and for ‘im, but fact is time waits for none of us and if you don’t get busy livin’ you’re just busy dying. And we’re all gonna be dead soon and for long enough. If you and Agent Carter are sweet on each other, I say see where it takes you. It’s gotta be more fun than sitting in a bar with me whining like a baby,” he finished with a smile, which earned him a playful shove.

“You’re an ass, you know that?”

“I do,” the older man nodded. “But I’m not the one that walked out on a revved up Margaret Carter, Jesus. And they call ME Dum-Dum.”

He finished off his drink and headed home, patting his friend on the back and promising to see him soon. And to not fall down and die on the way home, because apparently he was idiot enough for anything after his stunt with Peggy.

He was sure he wasn’t going to live that one down in a hurry.

                                                                       ***

It felt good to be on a job, a focus, a purpose. Usually she was fine with taking the ones she knew would be a quickie; in and out, as it were. Gathering intelligence, using her wits and Stark’s tech to get the job done was more satisfying than even she imagined. In three months she had infiltrated two Hydra bases posing as upscale businesses both in Los Angeles and Miami. She was then sent to London, in what was meant to be a short term gig, but turned into a long term undercover op at a top London hotel and what was suspected to be a Hydra financing scheme happening in the bowels of the building. If they could find the money, trace the trail they were sure to have far larger chances of putting together an accurate list of locations, financiers, and what exactly the money was funding and where. It wasn’t easy; the hours were long and never ending, and her ‘job’ as a hotel maid actually made her long for the battlefield. Those women did ten times the work of a man and got zero the thanks.

Taking down six members for extraction meant she had to get up and out of there once the team in that location completed their task of retrieval. It also left her with a sprained ankle, serious bruising on her legs and neck from the arsehole who thought he could strangle the life and the mission out of her. He failed and got a taste of his own medicine when she used the steel wire hidden in her bracelet to off him.

Phase one of her mission complete, Howard sent in her replacement and she informed him she was taking a couple of weeks in the country, and her parent’s old place. He didn’t argue, not that she would have cared if he did. He may have been her sort-of boss, but between the two of them she was the one that ‘wore the pants around here,’ and he had no issue with that. If anything she figured early on that he, in fact, liked that she was take charge and no bullshit, and that she frequently told him ‘no.’ He needed a grounding force in his life and she was more than capable of being such a being.

Time in the country was sweet, though things would never be as simple as they were before the war – before she had seen all she had seen and done all she had done, lost all she had lost. But, at least for a time, it was nice to pretend.

For a week she enjoyed walks and the small town where she had spent her summer holidays when they came here. The people knew her. They asked a lot about her role in the war and even more so about Steve – or rather Captain America. She had found that when someone knew Steve they asked about him, but the public didn’t know Steve. They knew the Captain, or at least of his actions and his heroism, and it was a terrific topic for small town conversation. Sadly for her, it was always with her they wanted to discuss him. After the first week she started driving through to the other village for her food and necessities. The rest of the time she buried her head in the books she had been meaning to catch up on, decidedly not case files, and certainly not recruitment applications.

Okay, so a few case files and a few applications, because Jesus the country was boring when you weren’t ten.

She had decided to air out the house, leaving the doors and windows open, and to plant some flowers in the backyard, a task that was soothing and time consuming. Even though there was a caretaker for the place now she was slowly realising that perhaps with her job, that renting the place out would be better for it. It needed life about it again; kids and love, like she had when she was growing up.

The sun had just started setting and since it was late August in England the weather was unpredictable at best. She wanted a fire on and some tea before it got too dark, deciding to bring in a nice stack of logs her father kept in the storage shed at the bottom of the garden. Of course her senses were on high alert when she got inside to see the front door now closed. She had left it open with a frog shaped stopper stopping it from slamming. She dropped all but one log and used it as her weapon as she rounded the corner, spotting the dark haired man peeking up her staircase. She didn’t hesitate, instead aiming to whack him on the head.

Aiming being the operative word. His reflexes were razor sharp and he grabbed for the log and for her, slamming her against the front door.

“JESUS!”

“BARNES?!” They yelled in unison at each other, and the shocked look on both their faces wasn’t quick to disappear. The log was dropped and he had her hands pinned above her head. She was a split second away from kneeing him in the balls when he spoke.

Luckily for him then.

“What in God’s name are you doing here?” she asked, noting he still had her pinned. She motioned and he let her go, his breathing erratic.

“I … well I came to – THE DOOR WAS OPEN, CARTER. In America that means, hey come on in. Not hey, come on in and get bludgeoned to death with a …” he looked to the ground, “a fucking log and a crazy woman covered in dirt!!”

“I WAS GARDENING AND I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE YOU,” she yelled and he took a step back. “And you know we have phones here and everything what the hell-”

“Howard thought it was a good idea,” he admitted sheepishly.

“And we’re listening to Howard now are we? Thought you hated him?”

He shrugged.

“Not thrilled with him, think he’s a live wire and an opportunistic asshole but he was civil enough and when I said I needed to talk to you, his suggestion didn’t entirely suck. I wanted to … aw man.”

He looked to the floor and her eyes followed. There were a small bunch of roses, now thoroughly squashed.

“Oh. Oops,” she said sheepishly, stooping to pick them up. “I … I’m sure they were beautiful. Thank you?”

He just sighed, a little pink appearing in his cheeks. Right, last time they had seen each other it hadn’t gone well at all.

“I appreciate the gesture, really, and … the fact … strange as it is that you came all this way.”

He just sighed.

“I’m staying at that B&B in the village, there’s only one.”

Yes there was only one, a mile from her, which meant he walked to her place.

“You met Mrs Andersen then, nosy old bat,” she said as she led the way into the kitchen, her smashed roses in her hand. They’d made fine rose water and she liked that for her baths.

“Uh, yeah, she wanted to know why I wanted to know where you lived, I sorta told her that we served in the war together after she was giving me the stink eye for being a yank, apparently it’s a thing … anyway, once I said that she seemed fine, told me it was here. Nice digs by the way.”

The old farmhouse was large and intimidating at times, but it was a family home on the inside and converted grounds on the outside. Her family hadn’t much use for farming, but her father bred horses for years, so the space had come in handy then.  Now it just lay unused and unloved.

“Cup of tea?” she offered, teapot in hand, he just shrugged as she waved at the kitchen table for him to take a seat.

“Peggy, I wanted to say that I’m sorry–”

“Barnes, really it’s not–”

“No, okay. I was out of line and cruel and I didn’t … I mean I did at the time I said those things to hurt you, but in my right mind that’s the last thing I ever want, I was just messed up and–”

“And an idiot.”

“And that, and I was a jerk, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again–”

“You and Steve shared the love of dramatics didn’t you? Christ, it must have been a regular drama with you two around,” she said with a slight smile, taking the seat next to him. “You were cruel and stupid and hurt and you wanted to push me away, I get it. I got it then too. You wanted me to think less of you, maybe less of Steve too–”

“Jesus I’m so–”

“Sorry. Yes, I know, stop saying it. But let me speak now okay?” She patted his hands that sat clasped together on the table in front of her. “You hurt me, but not with the truth about you and Steve. Believe it or not I know what happens between two people who love each other and who fancy the pants off each other, as I assumed you both did.”

Her wording made him smile. She was glad; she wanted this to be light. Enough things in their lives were heavy burdens to carry and this didn’t have to be one of them.

“Look you were crass and I imagine if Steve knew you were spilling all his sexual history to people–”

“Not people, just you.”

“Well, even at that, can you imagine the blushes?” she said with a laugh, causing him to sigh with a smile.

“He’d call me an asshole for disrespecting you like that.”

“He’d be right. But you’re also sorry. And you came thousands of miles with Howard might I add, to right your wrong. You get points for that, but you never needed my forgiveness. I wasn’t hurt to find out you both were … doing the do, if you please. It didn’t … and doesn’t bother me. Sometimes people are attracted to the opposite of sex, sometimes it’s the same, and apparently, sometimes now it’s both.”

The teapot started screaming on the stove, making them both jump.

“So much for relaxing in the country. Between screaming teapots, and rouge soldiers giving me a heart attack, never a dull moment.”

A cup of tea, three rounds of sandwiches, and two whiskeys each later, they were still talking. This time in the living room by the fire she had been craving all day.

“And you just punched him? First day?”

“Well,” she waved her hand in the air, “there’s always one on the first day, the one to test you, degrade you, and you nip it in the bud. You show them you’re not afraid or a wallflower. These men understand violence, so…”

“So you sucker punch ‘em in the face. Nice.”

They were sitting across from one another again. This time she was tucked up on her mother’s periwinkle blue couch as he sat sprawled on the matching chair by the window.

“It has to be done, otherwise they think they can walk all over you.”

“I can’t imagine a man dumb enough to think he could walk all over you.”

She finished her drink then with a shrug.

“Trust me, they’re out there.”

“Dum-Dum told me I was the dum-dum by leaving you in that hotel room the way I did,” he said, smirking into his glass. “I can’t say I disagree with him.”

“You told him?” It surprised her a little, but only a little.

“Was going crazy with guilt, had to tell someone, and I thought he wouldn’t judge me but boy did he ever.”

“Well…”

“He was right though.” He spoke clearly then, serious even, making sure she knew he wasn’t making a joke of what had happened.

“Hindsight is a fantastic thing, I suppose.” She tried to keep her voice casual, she probably failed.

“Yeah if I could do it over again–”

“Is that right?” she chided playfully, sliding off the couch, her glass in one hand whilst bending to retrieve his. She just grinned, a sly grin, taking his glass from him and sauntering over to the drinks cabinet behind the door.

“Another?” she called back, only to feel his hands on her hips. Her breath stilled and her heart stuttered.

_Oh boy._

“I don’t know what I want in the grander scheme of things, not really. But I know I don’t want to not … to not see what this is. If – I mean if you want, only if you want.”

He was whispering, why was he whispering?

She turned and took in his form, how nervous he seemed still, how he had in fact travelled thousands of miles just to apologise, albeit months later. She couldn’t fault him for the time though. Their bond was complicated, beyond complicated really, but it was also theirs and theirs alone now. They had a connection that couldn’t be denied, one that went far beyond the love of another they shared a long time ago.

She wanted to see what it was too, just the two of them.

She nodded, slightly, and it was all the encouragement he needed as he kissed the air from her lungs as he had a habit of doing, it seemed.

Drinks long forgotten, they stood like that, rather chaste – his hands on her hips, hers against his chest, all perfectly acceptable and nice. But neither she nor he was nice, not anymore.

Peggy’s lips parted in a charmed grin at his impulsive actions, a thrilled shiver running down her spine in anticipation of what he might do next. A gasp left her lips when his fingers clasped around the sides of her neck, threading into her hair before pulling her tight to his body. Both of them lost balance slightly as her hip hit the cabinet and the bottles there clanked in annoyance.

Her skin felt aflame instantly when his lips crushed against hers in a fervent kiss, this time without any hesitation, and she grew momentarily light-headed. She wanted nothing more than to have his hands and lips all over her, touching her, tasting her to his heart’s content.  She was eager to explore him as he was herwithhis probing tongue at her mouth, and she moaned softly as his strong hands roamed her curvaceous – if she did say so herself – frame.  She enveloped her arms around his shoulders, then his neck, intuitively trusting the safety in his hold, allowing him to easily hoist her up against his hips.

He pushed her hard against the nearest flat surface, this time it was her mother’s living room door instead of a hotel room door. Barnes and doors, she wondered, maybe it was his thing.

“Bed?” he asked, and she nodded in between kisses.

“Up … _up_ …” His mouth was on her neck, by her ear this time, and it made it difficult to talk, or think, or do much else other than feel and breathe.

“Stairs?” he finished, and without waiting for her to respond, kept her in his arms and opened the door. Expertly, he carried her as if she weighed nothing all the way up the wide staircase.

“First left,” she managed before she dissolved into giggles.

“Sorry, it’s just … this was my childhood bedroom. The idea of what we’re about to do in there … my poor mother will be spinning in her grave,” she admitted before smiling as he dropped her softly on the bed. Thankfully, her childhood things were long in storage and the room she had now had been used for guests for a few years since. He looked around, noting her old small writing desk still sat in the corner.

“That got to stay though.”

He half smiled before leaning down and kissing her again. She yanked him the rest of the way, all his weight falling deliciously on top of her as she wrapped her legs around his middle, keeping him right there.

“Goddamnit Carter, you’re a brazen woman,” he joked, nipping at her neck again.

“Shut up. With the stories I heard about you Barnes, I’m practically a blushing virgin.”

That made him stop and pull back, looking her in the eye, almost scared.

“Oh for Christ sakes, I’m not actually a virgin. Why? You got something against those?”

“No, been with a few, been one myself once – a long time ago.”

She rolled her eyes at that.

“Uh-huh. Well are we going to get on with it or shall we wait until I’m a born again one for your pleasure?”

He just looked at her then, and that look ... Christ, if that was half the look the poor girls of Brooklyn were getting she was positive why virtues were being lost left right and centre to James Barnes and his goddamn beauty.

“Ain’t much pleasure in bedding a virgin actually, you have to be too careful, too gentle.” He ran his hand down her arm, down her side and to the hem of her skirt, playing with the edges there.

“You don’t do gentle?”

There was a spike of fear as to what exactly this would be if not gentle. She may not have been a virgin, but it had been a long time all the same.

He just kissed her and whispered in her ear, as if he was afraid anyone else would hear him.

“I can do whatever you want, darlin’.”

Admittedly, that left her a little speechless, not to mention setting her heart pulsing.

He smiled at her when she didn’t speak, threading his fingers through her hair.

“I wanted to do this the moment I saw you,” he exhaled hotly against her lips, releasing her soft hair from his grip as his fingers unbuttoned her silk blouse, pulling the fabric open past her bra, admiring her, taking his time. Before the war, before everything, his time with girls was just that, girls. It was clumsy and rushed. Very rarely did he get the chance to spend a whole night with a woman, and certainly not a woman like Peggy. He was a little delirious at the thought if he was being honest.

“You’re not subtle,” she said, biting her lip as he fixed his mouth in the valley of her cleavage. “Not many soldiers are in the company of a woman though, so I didn’t take offense.”

“Kind of you,” he mumbled before puckering his lips on her nipple and making her gasp. She felt him grin, the arse. She had forgotten she still had her knife in her garter, until she felt him feel it and he groaned into her skin.

“Carter, this is far too … Jesus.” He pulled out the small but insanely sharp knife, un-tucking it from its case. Her heart stuttered, as he looked to her, it, then back to her.

Then he grinned.

That grin meant trouble, she knew that now.

“ _Barnes_ …”

He wasn’t listening. Instead he was bunching her skirt and white silk slip around her waist, drinking in the view of her in her champagne coloured underwear and matching garter belts attached to her nude stockings.

He looked at her for a second beneath his lashes, and she rolled her eyes.

“Don’t you dare!” she all but hollered with a laugh, but she was too late. He had cut her straps with the knife, one, then another, and they snapped up to hit her on the thigh.

“You _actual_ arse.”

He just shrugged, kissing her hard on the lips. “I’ll make it up to you, promise,” he said before he all but buried himself between her legs, kissing her thighs and slowly peeling her underwear down.

Panic flooded Peggy, forcing her to grab his face to make him look at her.

“What are you doing?”

He just looked confused.

“What does it feel like I’m doing? Trust me, it’s good.”

“No, I mean no I – You’re not doing that.”

He cocked a brow at her then.

“You don’t … want me to?”

She flushed, the truth wasn’t that she didn’t want it, it was just she had never had it, and wasn’t sure what to expect. She was never one to keep her opinions to herself but she suddenly found herself shy.

“Oh your beau before never tried this? Shame on him, may I?”

She just gestured with her hands as she feared her voice would give her nerves away if she spoke.

He slid his hand between her hot thighs, rubbing his fingers over her wet slit before his mouth took over completely. She jerked up and away, but he just held her in place, strong and sure, safe. It felt like he should have to breathe, shouldn’t she be breathing? Thoughts of anything else other than what he was doing – and doing so fucking well – flew out the window. She gripped his hair, directing his movements, not that he really needed any help in what he was doing, but it helped her feel more grounded.

 

Growing up she had heard talk of boys with mouths made for sinning, but she never ever thought this was maybe what they meant. If it wasn’t, by God it should have been.

 

He craved the feeling of her squirming and grinding relentlessly hard against his mouth. With her hands digging hard into his arm or his scalp, anywhere she could touch, the feel of her nails making him growl roughly against her lips. He nestled his face deeper still between her thighs, sucking, then thrusting his tongue, making her squirm more each time. His fingertips were pressed hard into her soft skin, kneading the smooth flesh between his fingers. He couldn’t help but look, to see what pure bliss looked like on Margaret Carter’s face, a look he was partly responsible for. It egged him on when she’d moan his first name or his nickname even, to want that look to never leave her face if possible. When he moved her legs up on his shoulders, opening her even more to his ministrations, adding fingers and more thrusting, she was done for. Lip biting was useless, and truth was she wanted him to know how he was making her feel, so she didn’t hold back the moans that were going to escape her anyway as she came so hard her head felt like it was lifting off her neck.

“Jesus Christ … Bucky …” she panted as he finally came up for air, a shit eating grin and remains of her orgasm on his stupidly pretty, pretty face. “Jesus … Christ,” she muttered again. Using the time she needed to catch her breath, he toed off his boots, quickly followed by his sweater and suspenders, leaving his shirt open and his pants still in place. If she needed an out or wanted to stop, he didn’t want to be standing there in his birthday suit.

As it turned out she didn’t want an out; she wasn’t regretting what they were doing – so far at least – and he thought that was a good sign. Instead, she stood on wobbly legs, shedding her clothes carefully as he watched, a little dumbfounded.

She was so beautiful, heavy perfect breasts, a delicate collarbone that he just wanted to lick and kiss, a dipped waist and full hips … hourglass perfection, even if she was blushing and fidgeting with her necklace, it just added to her charm.

“You just going to take in the view, Sergeant?”

“No Ma’am,” he answered standing next to her, close enough to dip his head and kiss her sweetly, not caring if he still tasted like her. Her slim fingers and perfectly painted red nails dragged down his chest, sending shivers up his spine before she slid his shirt off and he caught her admiring him just as he was her. Scars and all, he thought.

Feeling her flick the buttons on his pants open was all he needed to take things over again, shucking them off, toeing off his socks and grabbing her flush against him in a kiss that even make his head spin a little. That’s when things got messy, in the best possible way.

Slipping into bed beside her and waiting for her to initiate things seemed like a lifetime but was probably nothing but a minute or so, but they were both admittedly nervous. Once this happened there was no erasing it. It was a huge step. So they kissed and touched sweetly for a time, just allowing the other to explore a little, if he had his way she would never stop touching him. So uneasy and unsure in some ways, but so utterly confident in others, and then once inside her he realised that not only did she taste like heaven, she felt like it too.

“Ugh, y-yes!” she moaned loudly, locking her legs around Bucky’s sculpted back . Every solid inch filled her as she canted toward him more and more, and they quickly found a rhythm. She trembled at the sensation of fullness between her pale legs. “Oh fuck,” he sighed, as her toes curled with each hard thrust. “You feel so … good inside me,” she gasped, her pulse racing and her skin growing hot underneath his solid clutch. She clenched her thighs, squeezing as his warm palm clasped around the side of her neck, pulling her mouth to his and the intensity was bordering on too much and not enough all at once. It gave way to frustration as his tongue easily overtook hers in their silent fight for dominance. But, as always she gave as good as she got. She was kissing him back just as fiercely, lust consuming her overworked body in the most animalistic of ways just before she lost all patience and rolled them over, his eyes widening in shock for a second.

But quickly following her lead, he was keeping her in balance as they rode out their orgasms. Admittedly, she got hers first, rare as it was she knew as a woman; most men had a one track mind and rarely did it have anything to do with the woman’s pleasure. He would tell her that later, reiterating the fact that he really was a gentleman, no matter what other people might have thought. It made her giggle, because as much as he was the devil may care, the truth was that he cared very much. He was, just like her, great at hiding things.

Howard was right; he would make a great addition to S.H.I.E.L.D.

But work wasn’t on the brain, not when he was sauntering back from her bathroom with a warm wash cloth and a small towel. The good old fashioned catholic way of sex without babies leaves quite a mess on one’s self that she did remember. He tended to her so softly before placing a kiss on her belly button and throwing the items wrapped up together by the door.

“Too cold to go back in there,” he whispered before hopping back in and putting his icy toes on her legs. She jerked away, making him laugh.

“Warm me up?” he asked, this time tucking her under his arm, and she instinctively placed her head on his chest.

“Warm yourself up, the rest of you is-”

“Hot? Am I hot, Carter?”

She didn’t even need to look at him to see the grin; she could hear it for God’s sake.

“Sergeant?”

“Yes, Agent?” he asked, the same laughter in his voice, clearly enjoying this silly game of theirs.

“Go the fuck to sleep, would you please?”

He laughed then, big and true and she realised it was the first time she ever heard it from him. She felt it, lying on his chest, and she saw it in his eyes as they looked down at her, dancing with mischief but with something that might have been contentment – at least for now.

“Yes Ma’am.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the feedback on this, it's fantastic, as are you for giving it! All thoughts welcome! :D xo


	5. Wanna Build A Snowman?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling slowly, or rapidly and idiotically depending on how you look at it. We have car sex, snowmen (poor Walter) and flirting with waitresses to cover up your hurt feelings. They're idiots, but we love 'em, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks for all the love on this! It's really encouraging! xo

Hit me up on [Tumblr ](http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/)if you'd like :D 

 

 

 

They had been lying on the red tartan blanket for most of the afternoon, the sun high and hot in the sky for late summer, and it was just peaceful bliss. Something he thought he’d never have again. Laying there with her by his side, snuggled together, napping on and off, kissing and touching when the mood struck; but mostly just enjoying the silence of being together offset only be the trees rustling or the birds chirping.

“You know, we’ll have to go to town and collect my things if I am staying here,” he said as she snuggled closer into his chest, both their eyes closed. They hadn’t so much discussed it as much as they hadn’t left each others sides for more than ten minutes in twenty four hours. Leaving to sleep there would be an issue.

“Ugh, that means facing  her  and she knows you stayed here which means she  knows  what we did last night,” Peggy answered, muffled by his chest, and it just made him laugh.

“Since when do you care what old ladies think?”

“I don’t, usually, but … I’ve known her since I was a girl. It’s a little awkward is all?”

“Well, she should be happy for you then. You have company. Handsome, charming company that gives you orgasms.”

That earned him a slap on the chest.

“Yes, be sure to point that out to her and I’ll never be able to show my face in the village again.”

His fingers were bunching up the skirt of her dress, he loved it, white with blue flowers, soft and sweet and made her curves stand out in a way that, now he’d seen them up close, was slowly driving him mad.

“Nope,” she said, stopping him, then forcing him to look at her. “Last night was an anomaly. While I enjoy sporadic and unplanned as much as the next girl, we’re  not taking any chances.”

He was horny, hard, and confused, currently in that order.

She read it on his face.

“Things must be used to stop other  things from happening.”

Huh?

“Oh good Lord, either you use condoms – which we don’t have, nor do I want to think about buying from the pharmacy in town - or I have to slip up stairs and … well, use something before we begin.”

She was blushing, and it was adorable. He kissed her cheek and laid back down beside her.

“Of course, I’ll use or not use or do anything you need for this to be safe.”

She nodded then, and he realised there was that thing that women wore inside to stop pregnancy, he knew about it but forgot about it. It had been a good long while since the fears of the aftermath of being with a woman were a reality. It was frowned upon and talked about and of course he didn’t give a fuck. Most things he loved in life were frowned upon or illegal, why the hell shouldn’t a woman choose when she had a kid, it was her body and her life after all. And kids, as cute as they were, just weren’t on the agenda for her, at least not then, or for a good long while, he knew that too. He saw her drive and her ambition, and it was one of the many things he was finding in the ‘What I Love About Peggy Carter’ list tucked away in his brain. It was a long list.

She kissed him again before pulling back with a smile.

“Meet me upstairs in five minutes, Soldier.”

She pushed herself up off the blanket, nudging him with her foot and disappearing inside.

He smiled to himself, enjoying the warmth of the sun beating down on his face, and the warmth circulating from his stomach around his body that felt a lot like happiness.

He hoped it lasted. He hoped that it would be strong enough to extinguish the pain and the darkness he carried with him since his time on Zola’s table.

He hoped.

*****

Bedroom distractions of the best kind, of the very best kind, had prevented them from going into town until early evening. It had taken all Peggy’s will to get out of bed again after … well, after they had had their ways with each other a few times over. It wasn’t appealing, leaving the warmth and the comfort of his arms or the pleasure of his body, or the wit from those lips. But he needed a change of clothes, and his clothes were being held hostage at the Bed and Breakfast.

She fixed up her hair, changed her dress into a non-wrinkled version, and even wore a jacket.

“How do I look?”

“You don’t want me to say you look like you spent your afternoon getting thoroughly fucked, right? That would be the wrong answer?” he grinned, evilly.

“ Barnes .”

“You look lovely and serene and lady like and proper and not like you had my di-”

“Hush you now, get in the bloody car and shush.”

He got into the car, but not before he pinched her arse on the way by.

He was dangerous when he was giddy, she realised very quickly.

***

Peggy decided to stop off at the grocers while Bucky checked out of the Bed and Breakfast, for her own sanity, and for the fact that she wasn’t sure she could stop a smart arsed remark should the proprietor be so bold as to publicly judge her, which she knew she would.

Barnes, on the other hand, had no such qualms.

“You know, shacking up with an unmarried woman is a sin and surely isn’t Christian, Mr Barnes,” the woman commented as he handed her back his unused key with a smile.

He just grinned wider and winked.

“Oh I sure hope so. You have a good day Ma’am.”

She knew by his step he was far too happy. She got into the car and waited for him to join her.

He was laughing still when he threw his bags into the back seat and hopped in the passenger side.

“You said something didn’t you?”

“No,  she said something, I merely agreed with her.”  Yeah, Peggy didn’t want to know.

She drove in the direction of the house, not that they’d make it of course, instead choosing a sunset drive into the wilderness, ‘because nature, Carter, we’ve to make the most of it, Brooklyn don’t have much!’ Whereas she was just convinced he wanted to fuck her in the woods, not that she would have objected … much.

Turns out it wasn’t the trees, at least at first. Peggy never had had sex in a car before hurricane Barnes blew into her life. It was cramped and hilariously awkward and they laughed and joked and came and joked some more. She loved it, and she was finding rather easily that she loved him too.

*****

They ended up spending a week in secluded bliss, but as always duty called and Peggy was back on mission, and Barnes had a job to get back to in New York. They parted ways at Howard’s private air platform with promises to ‘see a movie’ when she got back.

They both knew no films would be watched, but the pretense was sweet.

Work was work and it took another month to infiltrate the gangs using the hotel fully and another week to get the operation blown apart. She was then sent with three other operatives to Berlin, where she would be all but stuck until the week before Christmas in attempt at setting up a SHIELD base as well as hunting for stray Hydra. She was due home the week before Christmas. She was humming with excitement about it too, and she had a few friends in New York now, Barnes being number one on her list of visits, to say the least. 

Letters were great, but they didn’t touch the real thing.

But once again fate wasn’t on her side. Snow storms decided to pop up out of nowhere and she and her three colleagues were stuck in post war Germany at Christmas. Their idea of celebration was pilfered wine from a raided Hydra cell by candle light.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

She ended up back in Brooklyn at insane AM on December 30 th , exhausted and lonely as she looked around her cold and empty – and decidedly festive free - apartment. She dumped her bags, changed her clothes and grabbed her car keys.

The drive to Queens seemed to take an eternity, and before she knew it though the sun was peeking through the skyline as she found herself at his front door. He answered half-dressed and adorably dishevelled, hair askew and sleepy eyed.

God, she missed him.

“Hello,” she said in manner for her that was almost shy.

“Carter?”

“I … need to sleep, okay? I just … ”

Without saying anything else, he took her by the hand, closed the door and led her to the bedroom at the back of his apartment. She silently slipped out of her shoes, dress, and stockings, then slipped into bed beside him with a content sigh. He kissed her temple, pulling her into his warm embrace.

“Welcome home, Peg,” he said groggily before pulling the blankets up over them for what was the best night sleep Peggy had had in months.

***

He woke up to the scent of coffee in his nose, slowly opening his eyes when he felt a dip in the bed beside him.

“Afternoon,” she said in a whisper.

“Hmmm,” he groaned, turning over to her side, peeking with one eye then the other. “I thought I dreamed you up, coffee tells me otherwise.”

She smiled down at him from her sitting position against headboard. “There’s a cup here for you if you like.”

He groaned again. Bucky Barnes was not a morning – or early afternoon - person, not after a triple shift. He sat up anyway, attempting to wake up.

“Long day at work?” she asked, handing him the steaming cup.

“Mm, took a triple, guys had families to get to over Christmas, I had … well, the stray cat that the whole block feeds. Figured it was an easy decision to make.”

“Did you have a nice Christmas?”

He shrugged.

“Dugan and his wife invited me over for dinner. It was nice I guess, but it was their families you know? Real welcoming and what not, just didn’t feel right in the end, but the food was great. Don’t remember much after they broke out the whisky though.” He smiled then, putting down the coffee and turning to her. “You?”

“In what can be called nothing more than a bunker, with booze and newly appointed SHIELD agents stuck weathering a snow storm.”

“Nice.”

“Hell more like it, but it’s just another day really. Without family or kids around, doesn’t seem much sense in making a big fuss. It’s a shame, really.”

“Yeah?”

“I used to love Christmas, loved when it snowed and we’d go out sledding in the field next door, or building snowmen if we were in the country, before we’d go inside and mum would have a whole big dinner planned. All their friends and family met at ours too, the place in London we used to have because it was close to my father’s job. It was nice.”

“It sure sounds it,” Bucky replied with a wistful look on his face, even with three day (at least) old scruff. “With us it was kinda the same. When Steve’s asthma or whatever else had decided to hit him wasn’t acting up we could do that. You know, before the depression hit Christmas was always fun at least. Then it did, and it was like everything just kinda stopped? I knew not to expect much for Christmas beyond anything handmade – we got a lot of scarves Stevie and I – from my Ma, his Ma, everybody’s Ma knitted you something. It was always a size or two too big, but you were promised it’d fit. Course by the time it did it was summer and you had no use for anything anymore it would get so hot.” He was smiling and she was laughing and it felt nice, just to share.

“Sounds lovely though, the community of people doing that for each other. I was an only child, shipped off to school whenever the time came. That in itself was a community too I suppose, but different.”

He looked at her then before hopping out of bed and padding over to his closet.

“Get dressed, we’re gonna do something … nice.”

“I was thinking breakfast?”

He winked then.

“Me too, but this first. Come on, get dressed and ... here–” he threw her a very large blue and black obviously hand knit, obviously well loved, scarf. “Stick that on. You have gloves, right?”

She did, and she saw where he was going with this, and it made her giddy like a small girl.

Ten minutes later they were playfully arguing about the shape and girth of their snow man, and Peggy was finding suitable sized stones for his face. It was probably idiotic, it probably looked it too to passers-by, and they were grownups for heaven sakes. But, she didn’t care. It was the most fun she’d had in ages – innocent, good old-fashioned fun.

“No Carter, come on, his head is too skinny, look at that! We gotta fatten him up with some more of this,” he whined, balling more snow around the side of the man’s head – Walter was his name, Bucky decided. Why, he wouldn’t say.

“His head is perfectly shaped, look at it!”

“I am, and for one it’s crooked as fuck.”

“I disagree.”

“Oh do you now, well  excuse me.” He mocked her accent, badly, and it earned him a snowball to the face. “Ohh, no! Come on that’s not– We said no snowballs! Building!” That didn’t stop him from throwing a small one at her and hitting her square in the chest. Christ, even with snow he had good aim.

She retaliated and got him good with one right between the eyes. Of course that set him off, and she ran, but he ran after her, part of Walter’s head in his hands.

“No!!!” she cried as she circled her snow covered car. “Come on, that’s half of poor Walter’s head you’ve got there!”

“Thought you said it was perfect as it was? This is for you – Sweetheart.” The Brooklyn boy was back in full effect as he shouted back to her. She was trying desperately to get some ammo so she could at least distract him. It was no use. He snuck up on her and yanked the snow right down her back.

She ran toward the house, and him, screaming.

“You ARSE Barnes!! Nooo!” She was trying desperately to shake it out but it was doing no good. The fucker would pay!

She saw him then, giggling like a bloody school girl from behind another car, and she got him with a small hard snowball before she went back to putting Walter back to rights.

“Look at what he did to you, you poor snowy man you,” she said loud enough that he’d hear her. And he did, and he approached.

Ha, sucker.

“Least you could do is help me fix him!” she said, but she had her own ammo now, tucked away in her pockets. He conceded and bent to straighten Walter’s head on straight. He got a palmful of snow right down his front.

“ Fuck !”

She was stuck with the giggles and then a very jittery large man, grabbing her and pulling her, they landed rather ungracefully on top of the snowman.

“Oh no, Walter!” she cried in false concern, as he put his snow covered paws on her face, pulling her in for a kiss.

“Fuck Walter, he’s gone back to his roots…” he said with a grin as he kissed her, sweetly at first, but soon with a hunger they both felt in the absence of the other since England.

“I’d rather fuck you, if it’s all the same, Barnes,” she whispered just in case there were any stray passers-by.

His eyes widened then before he kissed her again.

“Such language for a lady...”

That earned him a slap on his now wet chest.

“Let’s get inside before we both die of consumption or flu.”

Once inside they both shamelessly stripped down. Rather, she stripped him, and he stripped her, both of them ending up in a messy heap on his unmade bed in just their underwear.

“There are a few ways I can think of to get warm,” he muttered against her neck, his fingers dancing over her breasts, down her side, grabbing and spreading her thighs, as she willingly moved against him.

“Yes, friction creates heat…”

“So educational, tell me more,” he said against her mouth as he slipped his fingers inside her wet warmth. Christ, that never stopped being amazing.

“I was always more a show than tell kind of girl, Barnes, I thought you knew that about me by now?” she spoke, her eyes closed in silent pleasure, grinding against his palm, her own hand grabbing him just so to make her point. He stifled a moan with a kiss as he skimmed his other palm up along her soft inner thigh. He brushed his digits along her underwear, soft and cotton this time, unable to ignore the pure heat emanating from between her legs that made his cock pulse inside his drawers.

They didn’t say a word. They didn’t have to. The desire brewing between them was more than obvious. She groaned quietly when his tongue teased its way into her mouth, over and over, in a never ending battle for control. This was them, through and through though, and they both knew it, loved it, seeked it out. He could never have this with any other woman, he knew that too. There would be too much backstory, too much to explain, but with her, she just got him and accepted him. No one had done that since … well, since Steve.

Her hands glided into the back of his hair, softly scraping her perfectly painted nails along his scalp. His hand travelled down and she all but hummed softly, grinding her private warmth against his fingers.

“Shit, bloody actual shitting shit,” Peggy cursed, causing him to stop making her writhe and look at her.

“Problem, Ma’am?”

“No, I forgot my thing my … thing for the …  thing .”

It was adorable she couldn’t say it.

“It’s fine, I have rubbers.”

That got a raised eyebrow.

“Wait, you’re judging me? We need ‘em and you’re being judgey face?”

“No, no. I just … no, it’s good that you do otherwise this would be hastily stopping or ending in a not so happy place for both of us.”

He kissed her then.

“Honey, I could end it very happily for both of us in so many ways without me ever having to risk us fucking with your future.”

“Yours too…”

“I know but the woman has to do all the–” he gestured to her belly and it made her laugh, “the work, and I like kids but I know we’re not–”

“No, it’s not–”

“And it’s not a topic for when we’re both half cocked, so to speak.”

That set her off then, a fit of giggles that he had to pull away from because he was really half way there and her jiggling wasn’t helping. Instead he moved to root around in his bedside locker for the necessary aids.

“That’s not  really what that saying means Bucky.”

“I don’t care,” he huffed.

She was still giggling, and there was only one way to stop her. Once he had everything in place he all but sauntered to where she was half laying, half sitting on the bed, stroking himself slowly. And slowly, she stopped laughing, catching his eye, then he watched her eye wander lower.

Got ya, he thought.

She opened and closed her mouth a time or two, words not quite making it out.

“What was that, Agent?”

She just grinned, a twinkle in her eyes. God he loved her like this.

“I’m still cold.”

He slid over her as she allowed herself to fall back onto the blankets softly, positioning himself between her thighs. She hitched her legs around him as they came face to face.

He just smiled.

“Never let it be said that I let a lady go cold in my bed; it would be a damn shame and I would never forgive myself,” he whispered into her soft neck. God he loved how she smelled.

“No, well, we can’t have that can we?”

“No Ma’am.”

And that was the last of the banter as they spent the rest of the early afternoon in various states of blissed out undress, only really resurfacing because of tummy rumbles.

By three they had finally gotten back into their clothes and trekked the two blocks to ‘the best pancakes you’ll ever eat,’ or so he promised. It was a tiny diner of sorts, not too packed given that it was New Year’s Eve that night. Most sensible people were at home enjoying their day off work if they had it.

They took the booth near the window. He liked to be near an exit she realised, always slept closest to the door too in bed. It was a quirk, a small one, but one she noticed.

“Bucky it’s good to see you in here again. I was beginning to think you’d forgot about us?”

Peggy looked up and saw a young waitress all but beaming at Bucky. Her name, so her name tag said, was Katherine.

“Kitty, course not. Just got busy with work, you know how it is.”

She was bubbly; tall and slim with no real curves the uniform could give away anyway. She had a wavy blonde do, tucked back for her job, Peggy assumed. She was a pretty girl.

Girl being the operative word, a girl who was giving  her  the stink eye.

“This is Peggy, she’s … a friend of mine.”

“Pleasure I’m sure,” Kitty replied, her tone anything but pleasant.

“I’ll have a large stack of my usual please, darlin’, and a side of bacon – crispy if possible - and a cup of coffee, black with two sugars if you got it.”

She jotted it all down with a smile, and then turned to Peggy and her smile dropped. It was hard to not find the whole thing amusing if she was being honest.

“Um, apparently they’re the best pancakes around and that sounds rather good, so I’ll have the same if you don’t mind – except a tea for me please – milk and two sugars.”

She sighed as if it was the world’s hardest task, and Bucky noticed.

“How’ve you been, Kitty? They treating you right here?”

“They’re fine, just waiting for the New Year, you know? I love New Year’s Eve, it’s the last chance to get festive for a long while.”

“That it is.”

“You got plans, Bucky?” she asked him but her eyes were on Peggy. She looked up and his eyes were on her too, he was smiling slightly.

“Um, you know I’m not sure yet.”

At that she took her leave with the orders.

“Someone has a crush,” Peggy whispered before sitting back in her seat. He just rolled his eyes.

“I meant to say before, Dugan and the boys, well, and their wives who’ve got ‘em and what not are having a bit of a get together in O’Shea’s pub. It’s your side of Brooklyn, you know it?”

She did, she passed it most days on her way to work.

She nodded.

“Anyway, I mean I wasn’t going to go, but I mean … if you … I would go if you wanted to go?”

“I wasn’t invited though…” Yes, she felt herself cringe at how awful a response that was.

He rolled his eyes again, this time playfully.

“Well yeah Carter, that’s kinda what I’m trying to rectify here.”

She wasn’t sure why, but a sweat broke out on the back of her neck, almost a panic.

“I … I mean … won’t it be … I don’t know, a little awkward?”

“Why’s that?”

“I was their … I mean during the war I was their–”

“You worried they’re gonna think you’re too good for them because you were their superior during the war?”

She shrugged, that was one reason but not  the reason, and they both knew it. She saw it in his face.

“I …”

“Or is it  you  think you’re too good for them now or–”  Or me , she heard it, though he never said it.

“No, that’s not it at all I just–”

With that Kitty appeared with the drinks, and never had Peggy heard so much judgement in a silent settling of cups before.

Christ.

When she was out of earshot, Peggy spoke up.

“I just think it might be a tad awkward is all, I haven’t seen them all since the–”

The funeral, well, memorial. There was no body to bury but they all attended anyway, except Bucky. Jones said they had tried to reach him but at the time no one knew where he was.

“It’s fine, really. I don’t wanna pressure you into something, forget I asked.”

“Buck-”

“No, seriously.” He attempted a friendly smile but it didn’t reach his eyes, shitting shit. “It was silly and … you know stupid and just an idea anyway, so it’s not a big deal.”

Except now she felt like shit. Whether she meant to dismiss him or not, she had, and she really hadn’t meant to. She had wanted to spend the night with him, but those men knew her from the war, they knew her as … well, someone who had something going on with Steve. Everyone knew there was something there, even if they didn’t know the details. To suddenly, okay, almost four years later show up as Barnes’ date in front of them, a first date really all things considered too... God it gave her such anxiety.

“Order up.” Kitty appeared again, expertly balancing the plates, placing Bucky’s down first of course, followed by Peggy’s. Everything did smell and look amazing even if her appetite had died in her throat.

“Thank you, looks fantastic,” she commented to her unimpressed waitress, whose eyes were still on Barnes, shockingly.

“What are your plans for tonight, Kitty?”

He wasn’t!

The girl blushed and all but sighed.

“Well... actually me and the girls are going dancing. You know that new place that opened not far from the Square? We’re going there, Susan’s brother got us tickets what with it being New Year’s an all. But it’s a struggle you know, working here and then having to rush getting all pretty in time to leave,” she sighed again as Peggy sipped her tea. Bucky was beaming at the girl, who was clearly revelling in this attention. He was trying to make her jealous, she knew that, and she wasn’t about to rise to it.

She might not think herself about anyone like Barnes thinks she thinks, but she was certainly above petty jealousy.

Or she was until the bloody blonde ran her hand down Bucky’s arm.

The absolute gall.

“Oh Sweetheart, I don’t know about them other girls,” his Brooklyn boy act was back in full effect now, his whole demeanour changed. “But you’ve got nothin’ to worry about. The boys around here should be lining around the block to get a shot at dancing with you come midnight.”

The girl blushed even deeper then, and Peggy stabbed her pancake, annoyed at how good they were.

Another customer came in and sadly dragged Katherine away from her favourite person ever, leaving them to eat in silence. It was awkward and tense, but neither one was willing to budge, apparently. Silently eating and drinking until she was about done, she couldn’t stomach anymore stupidly amazing pancakes, or looking at his stupidly handsome face as she was just so annoyed at … well … everything. Mostly herself, but mostly him too, and the waitress, and everything in between.

But again, mostly herself.

“Well,” she spoke up, fixing her knife and fork to the side of her almost empty plate. “You were right, these are the best pancakes I remember having.” She stood up then, yanking her scarf around her neck and pulling on her coat in haste. “You really should tip your waitress,” she said as she hopped out of the booth before bending down to his ear, “though don’t tip her _too_ hard, she might get pregnant.”

And with that she marched out into the December chill, her anger keeping her warm all the way to her car.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are more than welcome ;) xo


	6. Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I want a group of Howling Commandos all my own & Bucky tries to get lucky.

Peggy was fuming, and still a little confused as to just who her anger was aimed at. Was it him, the waitress, or more likely, herself?

Okay, so it was herself.

She should have accepted his invite, hell, she wanted to! Her first reaction was yes, let’s be normal people for a night, but then doubt and fear crept in and ruined it all to hell. It was stupid, it really was. She had loved a man that died. She was entitled to move on with her life, even if it was a little … odd that it was with the best friend of the deceased.

She wondered how much The Commandos knew of Steve and Bucky’s real relationship status. She knew them to be thoroughly decent men, hardworking and smart. The idea that they didn’t know was a little insane, considering the many months they all spent in each others pockets.

Home after an angry drive and almost knocking down a pair of old ladies on the way, she decided to channel her anger into reorganizing her closet, finally unpacking after so long away, and filing things into neat piles for laundry and what not. He hadn’t come after her, not that she had done it so he would. She had done it because she was mad and didn’t want to witness anymore of his childish flirting with a child. Well, sure, she was probably at least eighteen, but what did that matter? The fact that he did it in front of her was proof enough he was attempting to get a rise out of her – and he’d succeeded. By the time she had cooked herself a late dinner, she was over her anger, and had since moved on to regret. Should have said, shouldn’t have done, the usual mind messing she put up with when she acted hastily. She was just about to fix herself a dish and another drink when a knock came at the door.

She hated herself just a little for feeling excited for a second that it might be him.

It wasn’t.

“Agent Carter,” came the voice from the smiling man she once knew. She was so pleased to see him healthy and well, she had hugged him before she had even spoke.

“Gabe! What a lovely surprise, please come in.”

And he did, taking off his hat as he did, shedding his coat as he walked into her stifling hot living room. The heating was wonky at the best of times, but she was just glad it was more heat and not or she’d be dead.

“What brings you here? Would you like a drink?”

“Oh, thank you, but I won’t be staying. I just popped by to say something – something that might not be my place to say. In fact, I know it’s not my place, but I’ve been elected by the remaining Commandos as spokesman and so, well ...” he sighed, so put upon as he sat on her sofa. “Here I am.”

“Oh, I see … and what is this speech that needs a spokesman?”

“It’s about Bucky.”

Her face flushed.

“Now, please don’t … I don’t mean to overstep my boundaries or really butt in where I’m not wanted, but–”

“But Commandos and code, yes, carry on.”

“It’s just these past few months with you in his life, this is the most … well … the most alive we’ve seen him since  before .”

That made her take a seat herself. Her vodka soda was sitting in front of her and she was thankful for it.

“It’s none of our business Agent Ca-”

“Peggy, please. We aren’t at war anymore, I’m just Peggy.”

He smiled; he had a sweet smile.

“No offense, Ma’am but you’re always an Agent, our Agent, war or no war. But, I’d like to call you Peggy if that’s okay.”

She nodded, finding herself smiling back.

“Barnes then?”

“Yes. To be honest, it was Dugan that sent me, he said, and I quote – ‘he’s acting like a horses ass and more whipped than his Aunt Bessie’s cream puddin’, if there’s anything you can do to fix that and make it a happy god damn new year he’ll buy you a new hat.’ End quote.”

The man before her was bashful but clearly a few drinks into their evening. The message from Dugan rang in his voice and made her laugh.

“Oh dear that isn’t good.”

“No, it’s not. And I don’t know, we’ve tried getting him drunk but that guy has the constitution of an ox or something because nothin’ but maudlin’ all evening.”

That struck a nerve in her, the only other man she knew unable to get drunk no matter what was affected by some serious injections… It made her mind wander to a place she didn’t want it to go.

“Nothing’s working then?”

“Must have a bottle of whisky in ‘im at this stage, still as sober as I am, which to say I’m a little buzzed I won’t lie–”

“A little Dutch courage then?”

He laughed at that.

“Yes Ma’am. Anyway, Dum-Dum, all of us really, we wanted to invite you to come for the New Year. If you didn’t have any other plans and maybe just–”

“Cheer up the sour puss?”

“If anyone could I’m sure it’d be you, he’s smitten.”

That made her blush, and he saw it.

“Peggy, if I may be so bold?”

She nodded. Why not, she thought.

“I figure you’d be nervous, walkin’ in there alone, and maybe wondering what we’re all thinking because of how things were before.”

She didn’t deny it, she just nodded again.

“The war changes everyone, Ma’am. Nothing gets to stay the same for better or worse. We all loved the Captain, albeit in very different ways, each of us lost him and mourned him in our own way, but that doesn’t mean we get to lie down to death and stop living because of it. If we did that then his sacrifice was pointless, you know?”

He stayed a while longer but was missing the rounds that the others had promised him if he was the one to break his night and do the talking to Peggy. She knew where they were, and it wasn’t all that far from her place – a few blocks at most – but she promised to think things over and show up if she changed her mind.

She ate and had some more tea before she picked herself up and dusted herself off. She had to get changed and wondered absently if she had any of that old red lipstick she used to favour so often.

 

******

“I’m just saying you’ve got skills, Barnes, skills you should be using.” Morita was making it clear to Bucky that hauling ass at a factory five days a week just wasn’t where his life should be spent. That apparently the SSR and even SHIELD was interested in him. As the majority of his fellow Commandos had taken up military positions in one way or another, raising the ranks quickly because of their war hero status and connection with the American super soldier.

He had explained, as he did every time they got together, that his heart just didn’t lie in the fight anymore. He didn’t explain further that it was because fighting the fight wasn’t worth it without Steve.

“Man, we’ve been over this.”

“And we’re all going to keep going over it until you realise–”

“I like my job, okay? It’s simple, easy–”

“Boring, dull, mundane–”

“Got a thesaurus back there, Dum?”

The older man just put another neat whiskey down in front of him with a grin.

“You can’t deny that I’m right. You’re bored out of your mind there and you know it. Nothing beats the rush you get when–”

“When you kill someone?” he asked, jokingly, but really the truth was he knew all about that rush – it wasn’t just about saving your own life, not really, and particularly after the serum, things … felt  more  in every way, and killing had given him a buzz that nothing in life had before. And that scared the shit out of him.

“It’s better I stay out of it, trust me,” Bucky gave eventually, downing half his drink in one gulp. The bar was packed but they had commandeered a corner table, and with people in and out – drinking, dancing, catching up - he was already exhausted. He hoped he could make it past midnight and make his excuses. The last thing he needed was watching loved up couples suck face, and there wasn’t enough whiskey in the world for that. By eleven thirty he was well on his way to drunk, the rest of them were more than a little well oiled, the unmarried or unattached of the bunch slowly pairing off, and it wasn’t as if he was a loner or anything, more than that, he enjoyed people – always had. It was just … the one person he wanted there wasn’t and it put a damper on his spirits, no matter how many pretty girls the rest of them tried to send his way. He danced of course, he wasn’t a square, but it was obvious to everyone that his heart just wasn’t in it, no more so than the ladies dancing with him. In the end he made excuses about needing air, or a smoke, or a smoke out in the air – never mind the fact that the bar was filled with men and women smoking more often than not. He got funny looks, but they said nothing, Jones though looked utterly disappointed as he kept watching the door most of the evening after he returned from a very questionable amount of time ‘in the bathroom.’

It was snowing again, of course it was, but there was a weird calm outside in the frigid fresh air compared to the packed, stifling inside of people talking over people. The Irish family that owned the bar had broken out the music a few hours before, and a live band of sorts always lifted people’s spirits, particularly when there was flowing alcohol. He wished he could enjoy it, but fucking things up with Peggy weighed on him, as much as he wished it didn’t. There were times he missed the carefree boy he was before the war, because that’s what he was, a boy, and according to Steve a bit of a whore. He said it jokingly, but for a long time before they had both learned to accept their feelings for one another that went far beyond brotherhood, he had spent most of his nights trying to bury his shame in between the legs of any girl in Brooklyn that might have him.

It hadn’t worked, obviously. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t love it, or them, even if only for the night. With Carter it was different; they had a bond that went far beyond any silly tryst in the doorways of a brownstone or two. Even beyond that, who he was now was falling in love with who she was now, no matter who they had been – or belonged to – during the war. He was halfway through his cigarette, watching a drunk wobble his way out of the bar and down the street, holding onto the walls for dear life, singing a song that only he knew the words or meanings to. He smiled after him and hoped he’d make it home and not fall asleep and freeze to death. He was lost in thought and absently aware of the heels clicking against the sidewalk, approaching, belonging to who he assumed was another tipsy person on their way to the bar. It wasn’t until she was a foot or so from him that he looked up, and saw Peggy. She was wrapped up in her royal blue double breasted wool coat, a hint of whatever she was wearing just below the hem, stockings and black heels that she was somehow able to walk perfectly in, even in the rapidly falling snow.

“You walk all the way here?” he asked in lieu of a hello and she shrugged.

“No, I’m not an idiot, my car is around the corner. Parking isn’t the best here, plus I don’t really want a drunk throwing up on my car.”

“Makes sense,” he nodded, throwing his cigarette down and stubbing it out with his foot.

“I thought you quit those?” she asked, nodding to his foot before walking to settle against the wall beside him, both of them their backs to it.

“Old habits …” he shrugged, finally looking at her properly. She’d curled her hair, styled it with some pinned back bits, and her makeup drew his eyes to her perfect ruby red lips.  A chill ran down his spine in recollection of the last time he saw her with lips that red.

She touched his arm then, noticing his distraction with a smile.

“I’m sorry.”

He squinted at her, surely he was hearing things, or he was drunker than he realised.

“What are you sorry about? I’m the one that fucked things up by acting like a child, I just–”

“I over-reacted.”

“No you didn’t I–”

“Let’s agree we both messed up then, shall we?” she said, sensing things weren’t going to get any clearer if neither was willing to admit to being solely at fault. Peggy didn’t have much use for stale arguments.

“Yeah okay, but I  am  sorry too … just so you know.”

She nodded then, rubbing her gloved hands together.

“So you just standing out here by your lonesome for fun?”

“Needed a break from–” He waved a hand toward inside and she smiled.

“I can understand that.”

“I’m glad you came, you know?”

“I almost didn’t… One did wonder if you had taken the little waitress up on her obvious offer for a good time.” That had earned her a cringe from him, which she was secretly happy with. “I mean but then Gabe showed up and sort of demanded it, a little.”

Bucky’s eyes went wide. That little fucker!

“He did what? Peggy, seriously you have to know, I didn’t know he was gonna do that!”

She was laughing then, and he loved her laugh though hated that she tried to stifle it behind her hand.

“I know, calm down. He said you were bringing down the room as it were, that maybe I should talk some sense into you. And after our stupid fight I thought maybe we could talk some sense into each other, see how that went.”

“Maybe that’s true, but I’d never force–”

“Oh would you shut up and kiss me?”

He scratched the back of his neck as she walked in front of him, her heels bringing her to chin level with him. He grabbed both her hands in his and stifled a nervous laugh of his own before leaning down to kiss her. Warm and open, their kisses like this always seemed to consume everything else. Neither of them were paying attention to much else when suddenly the bar erupted with cheers and counting from ten. They paused for a second and glanced at each other, only this time she placed her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss and allowing him to grab for her waist. The counting stopped and suddenly there were cheers and the choruses of what Bucky always thought to be one of the world’s saddest songs began. A new year had begun and he wasn’t sure there was a much better way to end one and start another than by getting kissed how he was getting kissed by the most beautiful woman in the world.

They finally broke apart when she started to shiver and few merry people inside the bar decided to come outside to announce the New Year to the world, but she kissed him again before pulling back, both of them breathless.

“Happy New Year, James,” she offered with a smile, which he instantly returned, surprising himself. They rarely used the other’s first names, it was nice when she did though, it felt special.

“Happy New Year, Peggy. I think ... it’ll be a good one.”

She nodded before her lips were back on his, her whole body pushing him against the brick wall with a force that turned him the hell on.

“My God Carter, you’re a brazen woman,” he said into her neck, making her laugh as a call back to their first time getting intimate.

“And don’t you bloody forget it. Now Soldier, buy me a drink?”

With a grin and a nod he took her hand and all but dragged her past the stragglers into the smokey warm atmosphere. They walked in all but unnoticed at first, the crew too busy drinking, dancing, and in some cases full on smooching in the corner, the world but a distant memory.

“Well look who it is!” Dum-dum commented first, grabbing the attention of the others, and suddenly the group’s eyes were on them.

For a tense second both Bucky and Peggy worried what would be said, but instead of judgement or teasing Jones bunched up on his seat, shifting his woman – Samantha – into his lap to make room on the round seating surrounding the table.

“Take a seat Agen-  Peggy !” he called.

“Yeah, Barnes, isn’t it your round?” Morita said with a smile, shooing him with a hand back to the bar, leaving her to chat with them. Pleasantries were exchanged and New Year wishes were spoken, and she instantly relaxed, shedding out of her warm coat, revealing a dress she hadn’t worn in quite some time. When Bucky returned with drinks, muttering annoyances at having to bartend these idiots too, he shuffled the drinks to their respective owners before returning for a second handful, this time passing it off to the ladies of the group.

“I guessed whiskey neat?” he asked as he handed Peggy hers, and she nodded, waiting for him to notice the dress, which he did. Biting his lip ever so quickly before the mask of socially acceptable behaviour went back up as he took a tightly squeezed seat next to her.

“Glad you showed up, Ma’am. We weren’t sure how much more of his sour puss we could take. It’s the damn New Year after all. You about saved our lives!” Dum-dum admitted rather dramatically, tipping his pint in Bucky’s direction, a sly grin on his face with the teasing.

“Yeah, yeah, shut the hell up and drink your drink you drunk.”

He just wriggled his brows in return, taking a healthy sip of his beer.

Luckily after that the conversations broke off and continued easily. Peggy found herself catching up with each of them individually and each of them very much not asking about the status of her relationship with Bucky. She was glad for it, as she wasn’t really sure how it would or should be classified. With her job, steady and traditional wasn’t really possible at that point in time, not that she assumed James Barnes was a stickler for tradition, but if he expected a little woman to become his housewife he had bet on the wrong horse right off the bat. She figured a conversation was necessary, maybe sooner rather than later, but whatever it was in that moment it didn’t need to be defined. It was fun and they were enjoying it as far as she was concerned, and that was definition enough for her. By the time the bar had locked the doors the music was still playing and the dancing was getting messier by the minute, she realised it was after 3 AM. They all should be home and dry, but these places rarely worked like that, particularly on a holiday as celebratory as the one they were in the middle of. But there had been a lull in the grab for Peggy’s attentions and she finally got a chance to speak to her … date.

“I’m just saying it makes sense.”

“What is it with all of y’all trying to get me employed? I  have a perfectly acceptable job.”

“Stark thinks you’d make an excellent Agent of SHIELD and truth be told, so do I.”

He just grimaced.

“Look, Carter, he and I are on … alright terms right now. Plane rides to England are long and the guy likes to hear himself talk, but, beyond that, I want nothing to do with his flights of fancy.”

“It’s not a flight of fancy it’s a legitimate–”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to diminish your work. Believe me, I understand what you do it beyond difficult and for the greater good and that’s fantastic.”

“But?”

“But, I fought for the greater good once before, and while I don’t regret fighting for the people who couldn’t fight for themselves, I’m not exactly itching to get back into the ring.”

She understood that, she really did, even if she and the rest of the Commandos thought it was a damn shame.  She dropped the topic and got into a debate with Jones on all things Stark, and clearly after a half hour or so, Bucky was feeling a little neglected, or bored, or just plain horny. Because that’s when she felt his hand under the table, slip to her knee. Her coat sat between them, which he casually moved so it basically covered the lap of her dress. She should have realised.

At first she thought nothing of it. He was a tactile guy, even if he was used to keeping his displays of affection behind closed doors. But then, slowly it started to feel less affectionate and more … purposeful. Casually his hand sat on top of her knee at first, his fingers just ghosting the hem of her dress under the table as he nodded along with the conversations being had, even participating. But then his hand slowly inched higher, warm fingertips pressing into her skin through the delicate silk of her stockings. They were sitting so close that even if people were looking it would be difficult to guess what was happening under the large, drinks filled table, and no one  was  looking, too busy arguing in jest or conversing in pairs. She took a deep breath, causally shifting so she could grab his hand to a halt. He just squeezed in closer, his strength subtly overpowering hers.

His jaw clenched when she dared to look at his face, fingers silently travelling and making contact with the small piece of exposed skin between the top of her stockings, suspender belts and her underwear. She took another silent deep breath as his other hand grasped the table.  With the noise of the music and the chatter, no one so much as batted an eyelash at the change in her breathing, or his come to that.

But surely this wasn’t actually happening. He was playing a game of chicken with her. He had to be, right? There was no way that he would do that, in a room full of  oh –

Oh, okay, so he  would do that, in a room full of people. He  was doing  that .

His hand shifted slightly as his fingers explored and she tried to yank his hand down discreetly, but it wasn’t happening. Instead he kicked her legs apart under the table, and used that time to get even closer.  She fought a gasp as two fingers slipped inside her. She was beyond turned on at that point, and judging by the flush in his face, he was feeling the same. It was a dangerous game he was playing, and she knew he got off on more than a little bit of danger; they all did, these band of merry lunatics of which she was a leading part. Circling, pressure, sweet torture, she wanted him right there and he knew it. He smirked slightly, able to fully keep up a conversation while slowly, painfully so, working her up and winding her like a jack in the box. She was almost there, so terribly close when the barkeep called for last orders and that sadly they had to shut up shop. She took that as her sign, pushing him away begrudgingly, but making her–  their excuses, and beginning to say their goodbyes. Promises of seeing the women were made, and a dinner and a ‘proper’ catch up with the commandos was also promised. The speed at which they grabbed their coats was bound to have cause suspicion, but neither of them cared, not even a little bit.

They managed to get maybe half a block away. The street was all but abandoned, beyond a few stray drunks going the opposite direction and a few stray dogs looking for warmth across the street by the nearest café, no one but them. They were headed silently toward her car, but first Peggy had to even the score.

She pushed him as hard as she could against the wall of an alleyway between two buildings, shadowing them from the street light. He groaned as his back hit the brick, but there was still that smug smile that in the moment was angering her.

“That wasn’t very smart, Barnes. Any one of them could have clued in…”

“Too drunk … and even if they did, I don’t care. I wanted to feel you.”

His pupils were blown as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. A shiver not from the cold ran through her when he looked her up and down.

“I don’t care, it wasn’t smart.”

“Then it was dumb. Still had you on the ropes though didn’t I?”

She pushed into him at that, her hand spanning his chest, down to his tummy, to his belt, and finally to the healthy bulge straining his pants.

“Was I the only one on the ropes back there?”

He bit his lip again before smiling.

“Maybe not.”

She just laughed, stroking his hair as she kissed him again.

"Do you know what else I’ve wanted all night?"  His lips brushed hers before moving down to her neck, pushing, nipping, and relentless. "To hear you whimper my name in that delightful little accent of yours." 

She looked out beyond the alley and sure enough they were alone, but it was also insanely cold and were they really that stupid?

Apparently.

Suddenly more aggressive, and wrecked by his husky tone, she broke another kiss and reached for his belt. His eyes went wide and she got a thrill out of surprising him, upping him at his own game.

“Jesus, Carter,” was about all he could manage when she stroked him to full attention before bending at the waist, to taste. His huffing breath visible around them in the frosty air, her mouth hot and welcoming as his hands gripped the brick behind him.

“Someone is gonna see…”

She stopped for a second to meet his eyes.

“I thought you liked to live on the edge, Barnes. Or is it only when it’s  my  orgasm being denied?”

He huffed another breath as she went down again.

"I’ve gotten off too many times to the idea of taking you in that dress to not do it when I have the chance. Do you have any idea how badly I wanna fuck you?” It was almost a whine now, his voice, completely wrecked with arousal.

She smirked, stopping again but not looking at his face.

“I think I have a fair idea…”

He loses it for a second, letting her go to town, her lips and mouth creating waves of pleasure until he was almost there, his hands gripping into her hair, his legs shaking, he was almost – almost –

And she stopped. She just stopped?

She pulled back with a pop and the frigid cold air hit him like a brick, fucking fuck!

“What? Wait, what?” he managed before she checked her lipstick in the mirror she had in her purse. There wasn’t much left on her mouth but he was sure his dick was a nice shade of ruby red.

“My car is around the corner, you can wait until then, surely?” she grinned, and it was evil. Underneath the heroic woman was also an evil orgasm denier.

“Peggy, Jesus Christ!”

She giggled before walking away, the clip of her heels the only sound on the street.

“If I get back to the car before you, I’ll finish what you started and leave you to do the same, don’t you think I won’t.”

She had thought of maybe driving out of the way somewhere, but neither of them were very patient people, and certainly not when they were both as turned on as they were. And when he all but began undressing her before she even managed to get the door open, well, that was that.

Backseat sex was tricky. He was tall and all elbows when he was trying not to be awkward. But with her on his lap, underwear discreetly tangling around one ankle, it looked like a semi innocent make-out session should anyone pass by. The fact that she was in reality riding him like a rodeo bull was just a bonus. All rolling hips, grabbing hands, curious mouths and panted breaths, the frigid cold car soon started to steam a little, and then a lot. By the time they were trying to gently roll away from the other – over-sensitive and wrecked, they were both giggling like fools.

Happy fools though, and that was the main objective.

Happiness.

Their lives – her life more specifically - was still so dangerous, unpredictable, and could at any moment simply end and that would be that, as they say. So whatever it was she was doing with James Barnes remained label-less when she took him home that night, and the next night and the two weeks after that night. It remained label-less as she went off for Stark on another mission, this time taking her away for a month, then another for two, and by the time summer rolled around they were still as casual as they both felt comfortable with, but just as happy remaining so.

It would be, as it turned out, everything that would come at them from the world that would cause their main issues, and in times like that she really wished she had a shield to protect them both from the horrors of the world, but life just didn’t work out like that, did it?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys soOo much for the love/kudos/tumblr messages and reviews! It's amazing and I encourage it because I'm needy lmao!


	7. Sweet Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky dreams a dream, while in the waking world they continue to embark on a serious case of adorably reluctant domesticity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first time really writing anything 'Stucky' for this fic, nervous you guys! Eek!

The tent was dimly lit, and the rain hadn’t stop for as much as a minute since they had returned. Steve was being debriefed, and debriefed some more; Bucky had stubbornly refused any extensive medical treatment, reassuring the doctors and nurses that a wash and some bandages and a square meal would do just fine. He was tired, sure, but he knew he should have been dead on his feet, after being able to walk for days on end on nothing but water and whatever they caught between the prison and base-camp. He knew he should be weak and sickly, but instead he just felt as if there was fire beneath his skin and electric currents rushing through his body. He couldn’t sit still if he was being paid to, never mind stay still long enough to sleep.

“Hey, the guys have a poker game starting up across the way. They sent me to see where you went,” Steve said as he popped his head into the tent, then opened the zip the whole way and stepped inside. His presence swallowed the space now and it stole the breath from Bucky’s lungs. He had had a few days to get used to this new Steve, to see him up close, to see that it was still  Steve , but not? That he could walk in step with Bucky now without getting breathless, he could see, breathe, run, and it was amazing and terrifying all at once.

“I’m not much in the mood for it tonight. You go though, I’m good here.”

Steve shook his head, instead shrugging off his wet jacket and sitting on the rolled out bed.

“Nah, I’m good here too. Unless … I mean, unless you want me to–” Steve motioned outside, as if he’d want him to go. Bucky had gone more than a year without seeing him and he thought he’d die alone on that table; no he really didn’t want Steve going anywhere.

“Stay. I don’t mind,” he said, trying to stay calm when he was all but jumping out of his skin with fear with the unknown. “Or I mean … you should go find Agent Carter, have a nice chat, maybe some tea. Isn’t that what the Brits do, chat over tea?” He hated tea, tasted like dirty dishwater you asked him, give him coffee any day. The worst coffee was better than the best tea in his opinion.

Steve blushed, and to be honest it was a reassuring reaction, even over six foot and a hundred pounds more Steve was still a clueless fool when it came to women.  He scratched his ear before he spoke.

“No uh … she’s um … she’s in a meeting I think, I’m not sure.”

“You know what I’m sure of? That woman wanted to eat you alive when you marched us back up in here. I’m surprised you haven’t taken her up on whatever she’s been offerin’.”

That got him the ‘annoyed brows,’ but he ignored them and continued to sharpen his knives. It was an oddly soothing exercise.

“She hasn’t been offering me anything, Bucky.”

Bucky gave him an incredulous look, because please. Peggy Carter was no one’s fool, and to pass up Steve all packed up as he was now, it would be just plain stupid.

“Well then maybe it’s about time you offered  her a little something.” He wriggled his brows then, attempting to be light hearted about it, and failing.

“What’s up with you?” Steve snapped, clearly taking the bait as always, but Bucky found himself too tried to argue.

“Nothin’ Stevie, nothing at all. I’m just being … well … me.”

“No, you’re being odd. You’ve been odd since we got back. You sick or something? I told you, let the doctors–”

“NO,” he yelled before he took a breath. “No more doctors, Steve.”

Steve held up his hands then, this time standing up and taking a step toward Bucky.

“Hey … okay. I’m sorry. Okay? No more doctors.”

Steve looked him over, up and down once, then once again.

“There’s something you’re not tellin’ me, I know it.”

“I’m fine,” he all but barked out, hoping if he said it enough it would come true.

“You know I was always the bad liar, but man you stink at it too.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes, putting the last of his clothes in his bag. They were shipping out to London the next morning and he was more than ready for some hard earned leave.

Steve grabbed his hand, then the other just held him in place. He wanted to flinch away, he wanted to move back. The last time Steve touched him it was to get him off the table back in that place. And the last time before that … had been the night before he shipped out. It had been so different to how he’s been touched by anyone since, it was sweet and loving and careful and true. Everything since was war and rough and pain and terror.

He closed the space between them, taking a deep breath as he always did before he did what came next.

“Can I?” Steve whispered and Bucky just cocked a brow, as if he needed to ask.

Instead of having to stand on his tip-toes, he bowed his head a little, wetting his lips and pressing them softly to Bucky’s.

Bucky didn’t respond right away but that wasn’t unusual, not for either of them. The nerves were there, every time. It didn’t matter how many times they had done this or been together more intimately, the nerves stayed.

So Steve did it again, this time kissing him proper, and he slowly responded as Steve slid his hands up his neck, past his jaw and into his hair as his warm tongue softly explored his mouth. God, he missed him, he loved him, and he was relieved to have him in his arms again.  His kisses were indulgent, but urgent, longing but sure, and as always with them it shouldn’t work as well as it did, but goddamn did it work.

Bucky moaned when Steve twisted his hair near the base of his neck, allowing Steve’s tongue to slip in and taste again. Bucky knew he tasted like the mint candies that Rollins had saved up, and the weak coffee they were all surviving on. But Steve, he tasted like salvation. He got him back after trying to forbid himself from thinking the worst on that table with that evil little man and his torture devices. To be back in his arms was such a relief. 

Bucky took the lead as he always did, pushing his body flush up against Steve’s, but this time Steve was bigger. He didn’t have to be so careful and Steve was thrilled, thrilled more so when they grinded up against each other, both letting loose small moans of pleasure, breaking their kisses only to breathe and only when absolutely necessary.

“Steve–”

“It’s okay … it’s okay … We can.” He smiled before opening his eyes, like it was so simple. They were together, so of course they would be  together .

With that, something seemed to snap Bucky from his aroused stupor. He let go of Steve’s shoulders and stepped back. The cold in his distance from Steve was unbearable.

“No … I …” he shook his head, stepping back further. “Are you nuts? Come on, this is insane, we can’t … not like this.”

Like this, Steve thought, and instantly he thought he knew Bucky’s reasons.

“Oh,” he whispered, softly.

“Right? I mean come on … it can’t happen. Not like this,  not here.”

Steve’s ears were burning and Bucky was pretty sure the rest of him was too, he felt the familiar tightness in his chest but he knew it now that had nothing to do with his injuries.

He was panicking; they were both silently panicking.

“Right, no of course not. Silly of me to think … to … yeah, I um, I should go.”

Bucky looked as confused then as he was sure Steve felt.

“Wait, Steve what … Don’t go okay? Stay.”

“No, I uh, I have to pack too. We’re out of here at zero six hundred hours so … Yeah. Night Buck.” With that he all but bolted the tent, leaving Bucky feeling like the world’s biggest idiot.

It took him until lights out and a good bit after to work up the nerve to cross the clearing to the quarters of the higher ups. Phillips, his underlings, Agent Carter, and of course Captain Goddamn America. As much as Steve had protested the special treatment, it would have been overtly rude to outright refuse the room, or what was really a cell with a proper bed and a locker with a lamp and not much else besides. Either way it was roses compared to the tents in the rain.

Fucking bugs everywhere.

He knocked once, knowing it was enough, knowing that quietly did it because hey, why take chances right? Steve opened it right away, standing there in his long blue underwear and nothing else. It was the first time Bucky had gotten a look at what they’d turned his smaller friend into, and Jesus, it went straight to his dick.

He didn’t say anything, and neither did Steve. Thankfully it gave him the in he needed to just grab Steve’s face and kiss him as if his life depended on it, and sometimes it felt like it just might.

It was rushed and rough, but everything neither could say with words in the moment.

I love you, I need you, you’re an idiot but god do I love you more than I thought possible, I’m glad you’re alive, I need you alive.

You know, the usual between two guys in a war.

“Buck–”

“Shh, no, don’t logic me out of this just shut up and kiss me okay?” he pushed him back, once, twice, until Steve’s legs hit the bed and he went down softly, pulling Bucky with him. And they stayed like that for a time, just kissing, necking and grinding on each other like it was a drunken night back in Brooklyn.

“Lemme look at you, what the hell did they do to you?”

Steve was blushing, he looked like  that  and he was still blushing. Christ what was he going to do with that kid?

“I didn’t think you liked … it … me. Now. I mean not that you’re shallow or anything because hell I know that better than anyone you wanted me when no one wanted–”

“Hey, you stop that talk you hear me, wasn’t your fault people are fucking idiots and I’m done telling you that.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “Anyway, yeah. They uh, changed a lot … I guess. Height, weight, muscle mass, all my ailments are gone, and I can  breathe Buck. First time in … Hell, first time ever. I came out of that machine and there was air and my lungs felt so huge and powerful…” his friend was smiling, beaming even from ear to ear and it was a beautiful thing. “And I can run and well, you’ve seen some of what I can do now, I guess.”

“Be a reckless idiot and storm a Hydra base all by your lonesome, nah that wasn’t no magic injection Steve, that was just you being you. Remind me to have a stern talk with you,  again , about limits.”

“The thing about this stuff, it sort of means my old limits don’t exist,” he said bashfully when he had every right to announce it cocky as you’d like.

And that was true, not physically at least, and now the sky was the limit as he was being hailed a hero.

“Is that right?” Bucky cocked a brow before leaning down to what used to be Steve’s bad ear, now perfectly capable of hearing, even when he whispered, “What else can you do?”

He didn’t even blink before he flipped them both quickly, silently, so Bucky was trapped beneath his thighs.

Christ.

Eyes wide, they both stifled a laugh.

“Damn you gotta teach me that,” Bucky all but choked out as Steve went for his neck, wet soft kisses trailing up and down from ear to collarbone, and he was sure he was going to say something in the form of words but they died on his tongue.

“Been teaching you my whole life, why would I stop now?”

“You’re a real punk you know?”

“Yeah I know. I know and you know and are you gonna fuck me or are we gonna chat all night?”

“I’m  not fucking you, not here. You really want us to get caught with me doing  you ? No, if anything is easier to explain it’s the other way around and you know it.”

“Sure, a Captain taking advantage of his rank … you know they’d never buy that from me, so shut up and just do it.”

“You go from shy blushing bride to god damn sex crazy in a minute you know that?” Bucky added with a smile, yanking off his shirt that Steve had somehow, somewhere unbuttoned, and Steve’s hands were already going for his belt.

“Your fault.”

“Don’t I know it?”

Steve stroked his hair with one hand, tucking it behind his ear slightly, the short regulation cut keeping it neat.

“Your eyes are so blue. I could never really tell before … but … yeah.” He kissed him softly, and Bucky never wanted it to end.  Both of them stripping the other down was nothing new, but this time, with this new Steve everything was like the first time. Bucky’s heart was beating out of his damn chest for one thing.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, admiring the blond’s … well … everything. “Always been beautiful now’s just a different kind.”

“I was scared … not scared … but nervous I guess? That maybe you wouldn’t like all this,” Steve said gesturing to himself as he shucked his drawers, and ‘all of that’ was one way of putting it. Shit, that stuff worked everywhere huh?

Bucky’s mouth went dry, just shaking his head to stop notions that silly from floating around in Steve’s head anymore.

“You have–”

“Yeah … Yeah I do. I’ll …Yeah.” He moved more clumsy than usual to the locker. Inside was his shaving kit with the tub of Vaseline he retrieved, banging his hand in the drawer in the process.

Star Spangled Man with a plan, indeed.

Bucky’s vision and brain went blurry when things jumped from kissing and groping to Steve working himself up and open. The look on his face almost enough to get Bucky there alone without any touching. But then there was touching. Strong, big hands instead of small, pushing and pulling, caressing and loving. His mind was spinning as Steve licked into his mouth with a moan, panting with wide pupils blown. Blue eyes meeting bluer eyes, filled with lust and love and all the things between them and for a split second there is no war, no death and torture – just them.

Bucky stretches his two fingers inside Steve again and again, then using his mouth, making sure but not  having to really make sure now. Steve tried to reassure him. “It’s fine now, you don’t have to go so gentle, I can take it all now, please don’t be gentle…” he would moan between kisses. But, the truth was, Bucky wanted to be sweet with him, because everything around them now was rough, and painful and so goddamn rushed. That this, whatever this night was, it was his and theirs and he wanted to fill it with all the gentle he had left in him because he was sure whatever Zola did to him was slowly but surely gonna kill him anyway. He didn’t tell Steve this, he would only worry, and he didn’t want that. Instead he kisses the tender spot just below his left earlobe making him moan before he pushes himself fully inside – still gentle, still slow. Callous fingers on roughened hands that were used to end the lives of men were now delicate and deliberate on pale skin, bringing each other to the edge and back again so many times Bucky was sure he was going to pass out, and he knew Steve felt the same.  Everything was hot, the room felt like hell’s waiting room and they were both covered in a sheen of sweat too just not caring how wrecked they both must have looked because it didn’t matter. All that mattered was them being together like this after so, so long, and nothing was going to change that.

Oh how stupid they were.

He felt the dig of Steve’s nails on his back as he came, hard and fast with his face buried in his neck to stifle any noise he may have been responsible for. But they were pros at this. Silent sex was something they had had a lot of practice at in places with walls thinner than where they were at that time. Dropping soft kisses to his neck, then his lips as they both struggled to get their breathing under control was one of his favourite things in the world – even more so now that he didn’t have to worry about a possible asthma attack.

“We’ll go for that drink, proper one, in London. Peggy says there are still pubs there, at least the ones that haven’t been bombed out,” Steve said as he shifted his one scratchy blanket over them both, nuzzling into Bucky’s side like he forgot he was no longer ninety pounds and some bones.

“Hm, what else does  Peggy say…” he answered, teasing. It wasn’t that they were a sore spot for him, but they also  were a sore spot for him. He wanted desperately to not think about what happened once they all went home for good, and instead took what he got when he got it and held Steve tighter.

“Oh come on Buck…”

“No, no I’m interested. She seems like a smart dame, with an ass that won’t quit.”

That earned him a slap on the arm, like they hadn’t just been fucking each other’s brains out minutes before. Steve logic was not regular logic, clearly. Bucky heard the slap, felt it, and even remembered laughing before he awakened with a jolt.

One deep breath, then a shallow one, eyes opened to see a room barely lit by the sun rise, casted shadows of yellow and blue through the dark curtains not fully closed. He could hear the rain hit the roof and the window. It was pouring from the heavens just like the night in his dream.

Unlike the night in his dream, he turned and found  her there, curled up in a little ball, facing away from him, wrapped up in one of the two heavy quilts on her bed – even in summer. He risked a look at the clock and saw that it was just before six. It was a Sunday so he didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt for sliding closer to her and spooning her next to him. She melted against him, placated and soft, mumbling in her sleep, asking if he was okay.

No, he wasn’t okay, but he was really good at faking it.

“I’m fine Peg, go back to sleep, okay?”

“Mmhmm,” she agreed, not opening her eyes as he got comfortable, nuzzling his face in her neck, not caring it was also in her hair. The smell of her hair was comforting, familiar and oddly calming, and soon it helped him lull back into what was a dream free sleep, thankfully.

 

When he woke up again the sun was fully up, and as was Peggy from the looks of the empty bed and the wafting of coffee coming from downstairs. He got up and opened the curtains fully, then the window to air out the room. Then he yanked on some underwear and made his way down stairs. He was stealthy, even for Peggy, a woman that noticed everything, and he could still take her by surprise. He just watched her for a moment, as she sat at her breakfast ‘nook, it’s a nook Barnes, God, I don’t know why it’s called that but that’s what it’s bloody called,’ sipping her coffee and looking over the endless supply of case files she carried home with her. In the two years they had ‘officially’ been doing whatever it was they were doing, this was her routine. Sunday mornings she’d sleep late, get up before him and make breakfast ‘a full English, darling, never did anyone any harm,’ and he would make lame jokes about her being his full English enough for everyone and they’d have coffee and read the morning papers – or rather she’d go over case files she’d swore by Friday she was never looking at again.

The fifties came, and they had both been glad to see the back of the worst decade of their lives. The fifties promised infrastructure, family, and life after a war. It told them they had won, but it always failed to mention the true cost of that win. He and Peggy remained steadfastly stubborn in the face of their domestic reality. Along with new fashion styles, music and revolutions bubbling beneath the surface, there was also an added pressure – more so than ever before. 

            Family. Have one, start one, be one.

If you weren’t a wife then, gosh darn it, what were you doing with your time? You weren’t working sixty hour weeks to get yourself money to get yourself a wife, well then gosh darn it…

 

Regardless, they both balked in the face of tradition, which was fine at the start, the start of whatever it was they were. Neither had confessed feelings beyond need and affection, beyond the tender nights she held him and let him ramble his worries and regrets away to a sympathetic ear, the nights and mornings he did the same for her. Then he’d go off to work, and she would go off to work – vastly different fields admittedly. He was now a manager of a textile factory, and it was as dull and boring as Dum-dum had once described, and she saved the world and blew up rogue Nazis for a living. So far beyond the traditional anything the world was expecting her to be, and he loved her all the more for it. Beyond this little life they had carved out for themselves, just themselves and no one else. Whatever it was, they both cherished it, even if they were too cowardly to say the words.

Maybe it was because they were scared it would change things, upset the delicate but very real balance they had achieved thus far. Or maybe they were just overgrown babies, terrified of what it meant to really love someone, either way…

“So I think I’ll do it,” he announced, padding into the kitchen, finally announcing his presence.

“Really? That’s great! Decided where yet?”

He shrugged as he poured himself a massive mug of coffee, and peaked at the frying pan. Inhaling the smell of bacon was just the best.

“Narrowed it down to Princeton and maybe NYU. Both of which are just dying for a Commando on their matriculating student body,” he mused aloud. He was curious about the courses in Philosophy and Psychology, the latter in the hopes of gaining a better understanding of what the war, and Zola, did to his brain. Though as far as anyone else was concerned it was just an interest, and teamed with the war after effects everyone he served with had experienced, the curiosity was normal.

She smiled then, big and real.

“I’m so proud. You’ll love it, I’m sure of it, and it’s something to focus on…”

“While you’re gone, you can say it,” he smiled, knowing this was bugging her. The unspoken topic that had gone ignored for weeks. She was leaving on mission, nothing unusual there, except that setting up a new base of SHIELD in Switzerland was something that wasn’t just a week long job, it was months at a time, and as things stood no one knew just how long it would take.

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

As they both settled down on the sofa in the living room with the Sunday papers – Peggy liked the politics sections first, so Bucky got the sports - with their coffee and tea respectively, the late morning was spent in comfortable silence until they both finished and decided a walk in the park was just what was needed.

“We can take the car or the train up if you’d like,” Peggy mentioned, but he had truthfully zoned out mid walk, focusing on just the other sounds around them. It had been a habit of his since the war, when out walking – alone or with Peggy - entering a new place, switching sides of the street, he always took stock of his surroundings; the people – how many – possible threats, how many vehicles, men versus women, possible causalities, that sort of thing. He knew it wasn’t normal. Peggy was a goddamn spy for god sakes and he doubted her brain behaved that way.

“Sorry love, I wasn’t listening.”

She just nudged him as they walked arm in arm around the park, families, kids, dogs, all playing and picnicking around them, it was summer after all, and this summer like the ones before had a very specific ‘to do’ list item that never got ignored.

They visited Steve’s memorial.

Since they had gotten officially together that New Year’s Eve, two more had passed. They planned to go together that first summer only for Peggy to be called away on business for a week, missing the slot – meaning Bucky went alone. The year after that, well, Howard Stark went MIA forcing Peggy to run his side of everything plus her own, missing that one also.

The third year in a row she was determined to be there, to visit with Bucky, together ‘come hell or high water, and if Stark thinks he can just bugger off for a week to the bloody arctic again without any notice or warning or even a bloody phone call he can kiss my arse!’ Yeah, Peggy had a lot of feelings about missing the anniversary. The two years going it alone since being with her were weird, he could admit it. They knew, he knew, Steve wasn’t even in that stupid grave. He wasn’t there, but that didn’t mean Bucky didn’t sit with a half bottle of whatever and converse with him as if he were. The first year there was a lot guilt talk, like ‘sorry bud but I’m with Peggy, it’s real serious, even if we pretend it’s not, she’s amazing,’ before he’d launch into various death defying shit she had seen and done and how she was just like him, reckless and powerful, and probably giving him a worry ulcer. He hoped that wherever he was Steve wasn’t cursing him too loudly for stealing his woman. He hoped…

“I was thinking that navy dress for the wedding? It’s fitted, the cleavage isn’t too much and I think I have a hat to match somewhere.”

Ah, the wedding. The invite had come weeks before, and they had avoided it, glared at it and avoided it some more since then, but it was fast approaching and they had RSVP’d.

“We don’t have to go–”

“No, we do. I can’t be a coward about this, James. I’ve blown up whole buildings and rescued scientists from Nazis, I can attend one little society wedding.”

She sighed as they took a spot on a bench in the shade, crossing her legs in his direction, the peach fanned out skirt she was wearing riding up a little and showing off some serious leg. He forced himself to look to her face.

Of course she caught him, and fixed the skirt.

He smirked. Because really, it wasn’t like he hadn’t been so deep inside her hours before that he thought his brain had stopped working altogether, but heaven forbid he peek at her calves in public.

The topic of ‘the wedding’ had been a funny one for her. Normally, socialising with other couples and friends of his and now theirs was a fine and happy occasion; she was a social butterfly in her own right. This was different, this was a boarding school ‘chum’ and apparently that meant she was a two faced old shit stirrer who was marrying the crème of New York society, and wanted to rub it in everyone’s faces. Many discussions were had as to why Peggy received the invite. She blamed Howard, he had been to blame for all the press SHIELD was getting, and thus Peggy: the female face of the new power in intelligence. She had thrown a glass at his head when he had arranged for it all to be made public, with photos and interviews and the like, almost threw another when they kept insisting on working ‘Captain America’s would be widow’ into the damn pieces. But, it had given Peggy a profile. People knew who she was now – he was beyond proud – even if it annoyed her. Hell, even the President was angling for a meet and greet, but that was another problem entirely.

Bucky had walked off to the ice-cream cart down the path from where they sat and bought them cones. He got her an extra scoop, which got him a smile and a chastising eye all at once.

“Thank you darling, but also no, that dress is unforgiving as hell and I’ll be damned if I show up at Shirley Whirley’s wedding looking plump.”

The nickname had something to do with the girl’s corkscrew ginger curls when they were girls, again, he was in truth only half listening on that topic that made Peggy’s eye twitch.

“You’re anything but plump, and besides with me on your arm all the attention will be on me, we know this.”

That earned him a slap on the arm and just made him laugh.

“Seriously, Carter. You need to relax.”

“I ‘m alxed,” she said with a mouthful of chocolate ice-cream, rolling her eyes at herself. “I  am relaxed. I just, GOD she was such a little … well … unladylike girl at the time.”

That made Bucky laugh out loud and slap his knee. Peggy hated speaking ill of anyone, even the girl that stuffed her into a locker when she was twelve.

“And she’s marrying a senator, can you imagine if she became first lady?” she shuddered. “All funding to SHIELD would stop pronto I know that much.”

“Hey, come on now, we’re not all who we were when we were twelve. Maybe’s she changed?”

Peggy scoffed, and it turns out she had reason to, Shirley ‘Whirley’ Whitman was the eternal twelve year old and the wedding was a goddamn nightmare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like what you see don't forget to review! xo


	8. Tall Tales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the love on this guys, it's amazing and keeps me writing away!! This one is just a little fluffy romp, but I do hope you enjoy! Reviews are actively encouraged ;)

Soft romantic music played as Bucky held onto Peggy as they danced amongst the sea of couples on the hardwood dance floor. The smell of lavender a comforting constant, as was her hand in his, her other on his chest. He had been a dance partner for various aunts, a grandmother, a cousin and a second cousin of the groom that evening after dinner. Apparently, while the bride wasn’t thrilled or in the least bit impressed that she was in the presence of ‘a war hero,’ the grooms side - the more political side of the two - was. Or at the very least they were impressed by Bucky and his dancing skills - the one aunt had grabbed his ass, so maybe it was different reasoning all around. All he knew was he had been itching to dance with Peggy all day, and he finally had her in his arms.

“Well ... she looks nice?” he offered as the bride bashing commenced.

“Mmm, she’s finally found something to defrizz that hair, though with her daddy’s and husband’s millions it’s probably not all that hard.”

Yeah, Peggy was in fine form.

“Careful, you’re starting to sound bitter,” he said with a laugh, placing a soft kiss to her cheek.

“I’m really not, I just … I shouldn’t have come. People like her, they just love to look down their noses at everyone, and I hate that on principle, you know that.”

He did.

“I don’t so much mind her talking down to me, but you–”

“Peggy, I’m a big boy. I  can handle the waspy waif for a few more hours, and even at that, if we stay near the bar we may never see her,” he added with a wink, thinking that getting her a little liquored up was probably not smart. He gripped her a little tighter, pulling her as close as they could get, and slowed the dance as the music changed to another love song.

“I just feel like I’m twelve years old around her and her friends, is that stupid?”

“No, it’s natural I think, she was a childhood … person,” he stuttered in search of a word that wasn’t a friend nor quite an enemy. Did twelve year olds even have enemies?

Then he recalled Jack Whitmore, the red headed little fucker that beat a twelve year old Steve into the dirt, and decided that yes, they definitely had enemies.

His wording made her laugh into his chest.

“I feel silly, but my god what a cow.”

It had started off a nice day, the sun was shining, Peggy was faultless in her fitted and flared navy dress with matching wedding hat and high shoes – Bucky had been a gentleman and let her pick his suit – a newly tailored three piece navy pinstripe, with a white handkerchief. He usually protested when she insisted on buying him just about anything other than food – but on occasions where he knew appearance mattered he put her firmly in charge.  There had been a messy dress code misunderstanding about six months after they had started dating, and he had been invited to her cousin’s child’s christening. It was fancier than he had realised and had shown up straight from work. He felt the sweat prickle on the back of his neck at the recollection of their faces. Peggy, to her credit, laughed and kissed him and embraced him anyway, but he knew she had been at least a little embarrassed then.

The ceremony was lovely, and the reception was fine. Mingling with politicians was never Bucky’s strong suit, though he spotted Howard Stark in his element and instantly felt even more uncomfortable. Anywhere where that guy fit in was somewhere Bucky had no right or desire to be. Then they met the lovely bride and her charming groom, or the ‘bride and gloom,’ as Peggy had dubbed them after a rather insulting five minute conversation where the bride laughed off Peggy’s involvement in the war to being nothing other than the girlfriend of a super soldier. The she had fixed her gaze on Bucky and deemed it ‘just gosh darn adorable’ that she could ‘shack up’ with a national icon’s best friend and find love ‘or whatever it is, as I don’t see a ring Pegs!’ He had never seen Peggy’s smile more strained, or her laugh more false, but with his hand at her back he hoped his silent support was obvious. When they stepped away after what seemed like a lifetime of awkward conversation and forced smiles, he whispered to her a quiet but truthful sentiment.

“Fuck it, just remember both of us could take out the whole room using just the champagne glasses and that ugly ass veil of hers.”

That made her giggle so hard she was fixing her makeup by the time they were seated for dinner. They were seated next to Howard and his date Louise. Louise was a Londoner, and a former USO girl. She had known Steve, though she was quick to point out she had only been part of the crew for the English dates, which had lasted all of a month. She had a sweet smile and looked curiously at both Peggy and Bucky as Howard introduced them, before it switched to polite conversation about home for her and Peggy, leaving him to converse awkwardly with Howard.

There were a lot of stretched silences, but they chatted about the weather, the newest cars on the market, travelling, how he’d met Louise ‘old friend from the war’ which meant they had slept together then and now were giving whatever it was another go. When he excused himself and Louise for a dance, Peggy scooted beside Bucky, handing him a fresh whiskey sour.

“Figured you’d need it. Howard is wonderful in small doses in a non-social setting, otherwise it’s just science talk or work talk or scientific work talk,” she said with a smile before sipping her own drink. “Lou is nice though,” she nodded and he agreed. He had seen her converse with Stark at various times throughout the day, always from across the room or at the  bar, always ending in her face changing from neutral to annoyed, him expressing himself in what seemed to be erratic hand gesturing and pouting - and it always ended in her walking away. Maybe she was right, small doses, less freely available alcohol.

“Think they’ll last?”

“No, really not. She basically told me its sex and shopping on her part, which is fine for now but he’s not the settling type, too involved in his own head.”

“The settling kind, I never knew we were defined in such ways,” he said jokingly.

“Oh yes, there are a lot of ‘kinds’ of men; funny ones, stupid ones, horrible ones, great ones,” she said, putting her hand on his knee and giving it a little squeeze.

Speaking of which... “She said she knew Steve,” he mentioned, trying to sound casual as possible but probably failing. He was on his fifth whiskey at that point and the bar served the good stuff, which meant the usual slow process of getting drunk was moving a lot quicker.

She knew he had missed her compliment, he always missed them, or shooed them away with the inherent modesty that was almost annoying.  The mention of Steve made them both sit up straighter, for some reason.

“That she did. We were just discussing her time as part of the dance troop. Lots of tales of bleeding feet and tired legs, but a lot about it being odd to see you in person.”

“Me?”

“Yes, Steve would socialise with the girls she said, on occasion for dinner in the questionable hotels they would be housed in, and they had talked a time or two. She said that THE Bucky Barnes was as impressive in the flesh as he was in Steve’s stories. She said he told a good story.”

“Course he did, his Ma and Da are Irish,” Bucky said with a chuckle, and Peggy chose to ignore the blush on his cheeks that flooded right up to his ears.

“Well, either way, seems like you were the star of those stories, not that it’s a surprise. He would talk my ear off about you too – even when we first met.”

“Really?”

He hadn’t known that as she’d never told him, but in the moment she wasn’t sure why not.

“Skinny and having issues breathing, that day as we drove from base camp back to Brooklyn, he talked my ear off about you. How good you were, how brave and how ‘if Bucky were here…’ lots of that. He missed you, he was proud of you.”

He cleared his throat in a vain attempt of removing the lump that had found itself there. He put his hand on her knee then too, hoping to reassure the concern on her face that he was okay.

“I …”

“He said ‘If Buck was here, he’d probably kick my ass for doing this, but I gotta try, right? Least I can do is try.’ And I always admired his bravery. He had to have been terrified you know? But you’d never know it. He just wanted to try his best, try … to be a hero, one that, to him, you already were.”

He drained his glass then and she squeezed her hand on his knee tighter.

“I knew nothing of you then, but when I saw him so determined to save you – that hope that you were alive even though everyone and their mother told him different, it was inspiring. Then I met you, beat up, tortured, should have been dying on your feet but you weren’t. You were standing next to him, shoulder to shoulder – and that more than anything was what he wanted. He wanted to be a hero, not for me or for Hitler – not really. The only one he wanted to be a hero for, to be equal to, was you.”

“Why are you telling me this, Peggy? Why now?” he asked, his voice rough with bottled emotion and top shelf whiskey.

She sighed, taking a large gulp of her drink.

“Because I’ve had too much to drink, too much talk of the past gets me nostalgic and maudlin. I’m at a wedding with horrible people outweighing the good people – and it reminds me that we’ve lost a lot of good ones while the shit ones get to keep on breathing. Because of how she spoke to you earlier,” she said, nodding to the bride on the dance floor. “Because Steve is the heroic icon remembered worldwide, celebrated for his bravery, his sacrifice … and because you should know how important you are. How inspiring, how much you were loved … how much you … are loved ... by me”

He looked at her then, questioning if he had really heard what he heard.

“Yeah?” He couldn’t stop the smile that broke out. They had never really said this to each other, not in the traditional sense at least, both of them seemingly happy to pretend what they had was more casual than it really was. The truth was he spent more time at her place than he did his own, and it had been that way for at least a year, he hated when they took time apart when she was home because he missed her so much when she was on mission. He knew he had loved her for a long time. It was his habit, he fell fast and deep, but she was different and he knew that too, so it remained the fluffy cloud above their heads, unsaid but brimming over with possibilities.

“Yes.” She rolled her eyes at herself then, dabbing the tear that managed to escape. “Ignore me, I’m a fool. A drunken fool.”

He just slid her from her seat firmly into his lap, his face in her neck.

“A fool that I love, that I’m in love with, very much.”

She laughed then, pulling back to look at him.

“Yeah?” she asked in a whisper, mimicking his reaction.

“Yes.”

Before he could say much else, she grabbed him and kissed him fervently and with no shame or worry that anyone might see. He really did enjoy drunk Peggy; she was hilariously inhibition free.

“Well shit, had I known this would have been the reaction I would have said it a long time ago,” he commented before kissing her again. She laughed into the kiss before she pulled back again, this time standing to yank him on to the dance floor.

“Dance with me, Soldier.”

He had a better idea.

                                                                       ****

 

The car ride from Camp Leigh to the covert not bookstore in Brooklyn was illuminating for Peggy. She had met Steve on the first day of his basic. He stood out like a sore thumb so it was a little hard not to notice the skinny, starving looking blond with the lovely blue eyes taking just about everything around him in with a look of disbelief and awe on his face. He was a wild card that’s for sure, but as she knew better than anyone, it wasn’t just the big burly men that fought and won wars, everyone did their part and she was oddly proud that someone with his obvious disadvantages wanted to even participate when he could have easily opted for something a lot safer. Through training and her friendship with Erskine, she found out that he was there for a purpose, and that it was one that he – the good Doctor - was championing, he wanted Steve Rogers to be the test subject for the Super Soldier programme. Admittedly at first she had her reservations, not on character or of integrity - she found his sneaky resourcefulness rather attractive once she learned of the many imaginative ways he applied for the army – but on health concerns. She had read his medical files, of which there were many. The poor man had been through so much and he wasn’t even close to thirty. The idea of putting him in as a lab rat for their hair brained idea didn’t sit so well with her, less so once she had actually spent some time with him. He was scrappy and sarcastic and unlike what most people assumed, the British did sarcasm very well. It was rather veiled with a level of arse kissing that Peggy was just never all that comfortable with. Steve didn’t kiss arse, he was blunt – sometimes to a fault - but he was honest and truly believed that he could in some way, help people.

She remembered what that idealism was like, and it warmed her to see it in him.

He was terrible at talking to women. By his own adorable admission the conversations he’d had with her in that car that day were the longest he’d had with a member of her sex. She was puzzled as to why; surely the women of Brooklyn weren’t so shallow as to disregard him completely based on how he looked? Sure, he was shorter than average, and rather delicate in build, but he was smart as whip and funny too, and that was necessary for great conversation.

She realised then that she had spent so long in the company of an army of typical masculine men – in one way or another - that the atypical little guy with the big mouth and bigger vocabulary was a rarity, and one she found attractive.  Dating and a love life were a distant memory for her. She would have had no idea what to even look for anymore unless it was right in front of her. but she enjoyed his company, and his eyes, and that was start she figured.

She also figured he was different, in the sense that he may not have had a girlfriend back home waiting for him, but he had a best friend on the front lines, one that Peggy was sure – with each passing minute as Steve spoke of this ‘Bucky’ and sang his praises - he was a little too attached to. It was a dangerous thing, getting attached to anyone, particularly in a war – particularly when she knew where that particular division was being sent – though she would never say even if she could. But this Bucky ... she imagined at first he was the classic flirtatious soldier, and from Steve’s stories, she wasn’t wrong. But there was something else, a fondness, affection and a kind of love when he spoke, and the softness of his eyes as he looked at her and then away, the slight smile as he spoke of him ... it all made her feel like this guy was different, as if he were the best guy you could know - one that Steve very much wanted to be like.

“And I was beat you know? God, so beat. Bloody nose, my left eye shut with swelling, pretty sure I broke a rib but there was just no way we could afford a hospital visit, so I stumble the three blocks to my place – our place really by then, and he opens the door and I swear not even my mother could give me the look he’d give me. Dragged me inside, yanked me into the tiny bathroom and fixed about like a clucking mother hen, rambling on and on about my big mouth and how it was gonna get me killed one day.” Steve shook his head with a smile. “I figured he shoulda went into medical you know? Man could stitch so neat, didn’t even scar – which was a feat considering how many times he patched me back together.”

“Sounds like a good person to have around.” It was an off the cuff remark, but then a sadness fell over his happy little face and she felt like she’d stepped on a puppy. “I mean…”

“No, he is, really. I mean he’ll be great out there you know? Nothin’ scares him.”

Seemed like Steve getting hurt scared him, but she held her tongue.

“I’m sure he’ll make a fantastic soldier then, though a healthy dose of fear is good now and then. Gets the heart rate going.”

He laughed then and she found she liked his laugh, though she promptly ignored his lingering gaze on her legs when they fell into a comfortable silence.

“I tell ‘em all wrong. If Bucky were here he’d have you charmed and entertained without breaking a sweat.”

She looked him in the eye then, to make sure he knew, “You’re doing just fine alone, Steve. Just fine.” And she smiled when he smiled, a little breathless - a reaction she wanted to take credit for but knew in reality it was probably his asthma.

She had assumed he swung another way, but he was rather enamoured with her legs, her arse – even though he thought she hadn’t seen him checking her out just like the rest of them - and her breasts. Though, he was breast level in height, so perhaps that one wasn’t so much an attraction and more so a measurement issue. Either way it was clear as day that this Bucky Barnes – the boy with a sweet smile (so she was told) and a peculiar name was very much loved by the boy with the beautiful blue eyes.

She had hoped he survived the experiment, proved the weight in her gut wrong that Stark wasn’t completely mental and his genius could win them a war filled with good men – with superpowers of course. Whatever the outcome, she hoped he did well because Barnes deserved to see those eyes when he came home from war.

 

                                                                       ******

Peggy knew it was reckless, and probably rude, to be making out in the hallways to the bedrooms of a hotel on the upper east side, but with his lips on her neck and his fingers in her hair, the urge to care about that was slowly becoming a distant nagging.

“We need to go home…”

“Urugh, home … _far_ ,” he said with his usual horny grace, or lack thereof, with his lips on her neck.

“Someone will come by, in a public hallway. This isn’t what I want them taking about tomorrow.”

With that he relented, grabbing her hand, a naughty glint in his eye as he dragged her down the hallway at a brisk pace.

“Where are we-”

“We’re getting a room … sort of.”

She swore he was playing Eeny Meeny Miny Moe in his head at the rows of doors in front of them. He settled on one, and brought them to it.

“Stand watch,” he whispered with a wink as he brought a small knife and another smaller weapon out of his inner pockets.

That was new.

“You usually travel armed?”

“No, but I usually lock myself out of my apartment, so…” he was jimmying the lock, and it took all of a minute. She was impressed. “They come in handy.” He opened the door, then with a glance left and right, ushered her inside the room.

He pushed her up against the door before she had a chance to look inside, or even switch on the light.

“You asked that as if you don’t have-” he slid his hand slowly up her dress, hitting her outer thigh, and moving deftly to her inner thigh and sure enough, “ _that_ in its usual place!”

With that he flipped on the light, yanking the knife from its sheath and leaving it on the nearest table, a lamp stand behind the door.

“There, there, Bella, you’ll go home soon.”

Before he could kiss her again, she pulled back, a rightfully confused look on her face.

“Uh, Bella?”

He smiled, ducked closer to kiss her again.

“Bella the Blade.”

Peggy just sighed, because really?

“Really? Seriously? You’ve _named_ my knife?”

“ _Blade_ ,” he corrected with a kiss to her neck. “And yes. I also hate that little bitch.”

“Why’s that?”

She was sure she knew the answer but she wanted to see just how big a nerd she was in love with.

“Because…” He pulled back to kiss her on the mouth before continuing, “she has the best seat in the house.”

And there it was.

Peggy sighed again. “What am I going to do with you?”

At that he wriggled his brows.

“Lots of things! Hopefully lots of dirty, naughty, in-some-states-this-is-illegal, things – _Oh_.”

In his sweeping hand gestures mid-sentence he had turned away from her, allowing them both to get a good look at the room they had broken into.

_Oh God._

“Barnes, have we commandeered the fucking honeymoon suite?”

The awkward shrug he gave complete with cringe-face is what set her off on a fit of giggles

“Okay this is bad,” Peggy admitted, but he was apparently nonplussed.

“So what, it’s not like the frigid twosome will be making use of it anyhow.”

“Bucky!”

“What? He was totally checking me out before and she’s just frosty. You telling me you felt warmth between them? No, for a summer wedding the couple were positively winter. Now, you and I on the other hand...” he grabbed her about the waist and wedged her between himself and what appeared to be an antique writing desk, sturdy, ornate, and the rock to his ‘hard place’ she was currently caught between.

He lost his train of thought as he littered her neck and tops of her breasts – exposed by the modest neckline of her dress - with hot, open-mouthed kisses and let his left hand slide up her hip, pushing her harder into the desk.

“We can’t do this here it’s … wrong.”

“Mmhm.”

“James, I’m serious.”

“Yes. I know you use my real name when you’re serious, it’s _adorable_ ,” he concluded with a small nibble to her earlobe, making her squirm. She pushed him away then, ignoring the utterly wrecked look on his face, the mess of his hair and the crookedness of his tie, ignoring both of their laboured breaths and his obvious arousal, as she paced the room once.

“Peggy, tick-tock. It would be an awful thing if someone was to walk in here right now and find the not bride and not groom … and I _know_ you want me and we _know_ Brooklyn is too far for either of us to wait.”

She rolled her eyes at his cocky insinuations, no matter how bloody true.

“Shut up.”

“Oh but you do, I know you do, and I know better than to start your engines and leave the motor running unattended.”

“I really dislike your car metaphors when you’re talking about sex just so you know…”

He just smiled, taking her hand and leading her to the perfectly made bed, with the perfectly scattered rose petals.

“Noted.”

They both regarded the other before she slipped off her shoes, unzipping the back of her dress before tiptoeing back over to the desk and hopping atop it. It made him laugh.

“Well, I do like a _little_ danger, what can I say?”

He obediently followed, their eyes never leaving each other.

“Oh I know you do; I’ve seen the case files.”

He snapped the belts on her garter holding up her stockings, shimmied the dress up around her waist, yanking the rest off, exposing her flesh coloured lace bra.

“We aren’t shagging in their bed. It would be utterly disrespectful, and we’re better than that,” she chastised, though he was barely listening as he took in all her splendour.

He licked his lips, which was subconscious now more than anything, before widening her legs, allowing to him settle there, just where she liked him. He rocked against her, heavy and hot and still painfully dressed and not inside her where she would prefer he be.

“Now is not the time to be a bloody tease…”

He wasn’t going to tease her. Instead, he was fully intending to bend her over that desk and test out the structural integrity.

And that’s exactly what he did.

 _Twice_.

 


	9. You Shook His Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble in paradise after an unwelcome surprise puts a spanner in the works.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you andhearts to everyone who has been reviewing this here and on tumblr and spreading it around and what not, you're all dolls and it's so encouraging you have no idea! Somehow in this chapter I managed a flashback within a flashback....Flashception. IDEK. Enjoy and comment if you fancy it! xox

Between the wedding and the trip to Washington Peggy was exhausted, and that was before they began mission prep for London the next week. She had vowed to finish up all the necessary paperwork starting on the Monday she got back from the trip with Bucky. She was making serious headway too, when Howard decided to descend on her office with food for a lunch she hadn’t scheduled for.

“No time to eat, Howard,” she dismissed without looking up, he of course took matters into his own hands and just lifted the typewriter from the desk.

“Honestly Peggy, your problem solving skills are lacking today,” he smiled as he placed it carefully away from her, as if it were the most obvious thing to do.

She just sighed and accepted the artfully made sandwiches and the bottle of pop. He had even brought her an apple.

“Okay, what do you want?”

“Me?” He whistled, attempting to look innocent, before sitting on the other side of her desk and opening out his own lunch box.

He had an actual lunch box; it was red and had a little blue handle.

How odd for a grown man, she thought.

“You always want something and no way are you buying me food or even remembering to eat yourself unless there’s something, so, out with it.”

He shrugged, taking a large bite of his own lunch. His drink of choice wasn’t pop so much as a gin and tonic, but she let it slide.

“How did you enjoy the wedding?”

Vivid flashbacks of that desk in that room and the two of them entered her mind. Thankfully she was skilled enough at keeping a straight face that he didn’t catch on.

“Just fine. The end of the night was a welcome reprieve from all the … you know … _people.”_

“Yeah, hate people,” he sighed.

“Which is why we’re in a job to protect them, excellent,” she deadpanned.

“No, no you know the world is great, bring it on, the more the merrier is my motto – in all aspects of the human condition.”

He winked and she rolled her eyes, this was sadly a normal conversation for them.

“But too many of them all at once in a small space … I just…” he shuddered. “Anyway, uh, Barnes. He seemed to enjoy it.”

“Uh huh.”

“He seems happy … settled…”

“Uh … huh? Howard…”

“You haven’t told him have you?” his tone was now sharp, any affection or kidding around gone. It scared her sometimes how fast he flipped.

“ _Howard_ …”

“So, no then. You don’t think he has the right to know?”

This was an old conversation; one she should have known would have reared its ugly head again sooner or later.

“Tell him what exactly?”

“That there’s a search – that there has been a search-”

“Exactly, a search that has been going on for years, Howard, fruitless in all that time! What would be the point? To do what exactly? To get his hopes up like mine are? To make him jump with fear and anticipation and god knows what else every time the Goddamn phone rings? To worry, and over think and hope? God, help me from the hope.” She ranted, sure, but he wasn’t getting the message any other way.

“And what if we find him? What then?”

“If you find him Stark, and that’s a rather arctic sized if, then there will be something to tell. Until then I refuse to ruin his life – he’s going back to school, did you know that? He wants to improve himself; he wants to live a life … free from the paralysing hope of a useless wild goose chase.”

“You really believe that we’ll never find him don’t you?”

She got up then, abandoning her lunch and paced to her window, it overlooked Manhattan in all its beauty.

“I hope you will, I grip on to that hope like you wouldn’t believe but–”

“But you’d rather I stop?”

She shook her head then, because no, not really. She had lived with the silent hope of his hare-brained idea working for so long she wasn’t sure she could take the empty feeling left in its absence.

“No.”

He sighed.

“Then why–”

“It’s part of the job, just another thing in the endless list of things that I can’t and won’t discuss with him. The things I’ve done, the things I’ve had done to me all in the name of this job Stark – you know better than anyone the secrets we keep and why we keep them.”

He nodded.

“So I assume Paperclip–”

She cut him off with a glare; he held his hands up in defense.

“It’s why I don’t settle…”

“Well, that and you’re a whore,” she said with a small smile, coming back to her desk.

That got him laughing before he reached over and stole her fruit.

“Fine, you have your reasons and you know him better than I do.”

“I do.”

He was moving to leave but she stalled him.

“You bringing this up now, does it mean anything?”

“No,” he shook his head, a sad expression on his face, “but we’re not giving up, not until we find him, not until there’s closure.”

She wasn’t sure how she felt, not really. When he had told her shortly after they had retrieved the Tesseract, that he was in fact continuing the search for Steve, she had been thrown – and had then promptly thrown up in her little steel bin by her desk. Then, years passed as they had a habit of doing, and when nothing ever came of it, it was easy to write it off as another of his mad ideas gone wrong. She figured he would soon get bored and give up, but there were two sides to Howard Stark and the ambitious ruthless side was the one that more often than not won out. This wasn’t just a personal mission for him, it was a professional one. Steve – Operation Rebirth - had been, for the lack of better puns, his baby. He wasn’t about to let all that science rot in the ice, and it just so happened that the science was wrapped up in his friend.

                                                                       *****

Summer made way for fall, and it meant that once again Peggy was relocating – only this time she wasn’t the only one. Bucky had opted for off campus housing for the first semester, wanting to give the whole experience a try. Luckily his first-hand experience and Howling Commando reputation allowed him a few luxuries, one being a single dorm. He thanked whoever was responsible for that seemingly small but priceless favour. His job took the news of a leave of absence well enough, though they were sad to be losing a good manager and an even better muscle.  Bucky had always liked school. Sure, he was easily bored and even easier to distract, but he had always learned quickly and liked reading. This was an opportunity to allow the university to use him for his war experience and tidbits – and use them to find out a little bit more on subjects that interested him. He wasn’t so sure what his end game was with being there, even if in the back of his mind it was to understand himself a little more – possibly, hopefully – hope to understand what was done to him both physically and mentally on that table in Italy.  

It was an adventure they – he and Peggy - had discussed at length many a night in bed, something that was just his, something they both agreed that he needed. Needed to find out what kind of person he was without war, without Peggy, without the past hanging around his neck. They both agreed it was worth a shot if it led to him finding out what he was good at, besides war. He’d been great at war, the whole not dying thing had proved that – no matter how hard they tried – oh, and the straight as an arrow sharp shooting thing, that too, but he wanted something else.

He needed to believe that he was cut out for something other than violence, than what he had quite possibly been infected with in order to carry out more violence.

A campus visit and a drop off of his stuff saw him heading back to New York, he knew Peggy was still at Stark’s building and departing with the man himself that night, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have lunch before he returned to pack up the rest of his apartment. He had even more clothes at Peggy’s than his own place. Officially they had said all their goodbyes the night before. Well, more to the point, the whole two days before; most of which they spent in her apartment, in her bed, only leaving for food or the bathroom. ‘Prolonging the inevitable,’ she said. Meetings meant she had another day on American soil and he was going to grab whatever free minutes she had if he could as it would be literally ‘God knows how long’ before he saw her again, and that shit stunk!

He knew Stark’s staff well enough to know that the girl at the front desk - Sheila - loved him, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he brought her a bagel from the bakery a block over every time he called in unannounced.

“They’re in a meeting Mr Barnes,” she said with a false stern look on her face, even as she accepted the warm baked goods covered in cream cheese wrapped in a paper bag.

“Oh I promise I won’t interrupt, I’ll just loiter outside her office ‘til they let me in.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled.

“Fine, you know where it is by now I assume.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he charmed with a smile.

She shooed him on and he all but bounced to the elevator. He was happy, or at least excited for what was to come. Even if Peggy was going to be gone for a few months, he knew it was good for them to have time apart a little. It allowed them both to still be their own people, fiercely independent as they were, before reuniting to be stronger together.

He should have known that the other shoe was about to drop. Life wasn’t kind and certainly it wasn’t kind to him. It was a trick, a way of making him feel safe and secure, right when they fired the bullet.

The bullet hit his chest in the form or what he saw through the glass walls of her office, her secretary Nina oblivious to how his world was slowly crumbling. He was sweating and he felt as if someone was sitting on his chest.

Arnim Zola standing with a group of men in Peggy’s office, smiling, happy – alive. Shaking her hand. Shaking Stark’s hand.

_What the fuck was going on?!_

Suddenly it was 1944. Suddenly he was back on that table, the injections, the knives, the shocks and the tests. He couldn’t breathe.

“Mr. Barnes, are you alright? Do you want some water? Mr. … Mr. Barnes?”

He knew he was scaring her. Given how he felt he was sure he was blanched white, sweating, and his laboured breaths probably weren’t helping to calm her nerves.

“Well … Gentlemen thank you for–” Peggy opened the door mid-sentence, spotted Bucky, and her face once impassive changed to concern. “Bucky? Is everything alright?”

He looked to her, then to the man on her left. That little turd of a human being, standing there all smug and evil, utterly evil, and with Peggy of all people. He was sure his brain was imploding.

“What … Peggy what …” he couldn’t breathe. The man met his eyes and he could see him repressing a smile.

“Sergeant Barnes, you look a little unwell.”

Peggy then looked from Bucky to Zola – realisation hitting her like a flying brick.

“No…”

The little man moved back then, as if standing behind her would save him. It wouldn’t.

He wasn’t sure how he did it, or how he got past Peggy without hurting her, but the next thing he knew he was bloody and wrecked, his knuckles raw, and Zola was flying through the double glass of the large corner office Peggy worked out of. There was screaming and attempts to stop him, and those that did got the business end of his fists too. The only thing he truly registered was the look on her face, the gun in her hand, and the throbbing pain in his side.

She tranquilised him.

Peggy was breathless and stunned, not as much as the now unconscious Bucky had been, but stunned nonetheless. The scientist laying half dead on her office floor, surrounded by the remains of the conference table, several chairs, so much blood and glass, still somehow managed to look smug through broken teeth and a smashed nose. The little fucker smiled.

“Magnificent.”

Peggy kicked him in the face just for that, knocking him out cold.

She signaled to her agents to move Barnes to the sick bay, and for an ambulance to be called for Zola.

“Agent Carter?” Stark signalled for her, moving down the hall.

“Stark, what the hell is happening right now? We were promised scientists with no contact with American soldiers, that was the deal, a deal might I fucking remind you–”

“Peggy, you don’t need to remind me,” he said harshly, ushering her into his larger office and slamming the door behind them.

“I’m going to anyway. I hated this idea, it disgusts me, and you know it does and just how much. I want nothing from these men, less so now that it’s obvious he has a connection - a connection we both now know the content of to … Bucky … to _Steve_!”

Stark was pacing, a whiskey in his hand, and Peggy helped herself to a shot of gin to calm her nerves.

“I can’t be a part of this, if he’s the one responsible for–”

“I understand that, but we need him.”

“Like _hell_ we do!”

He looked at her then, stern, unmoving, but she wasn’t having it.

“No, Stark, no.”

“Peggy–”

“No, alright? That’s my input as co-director, a position you urged me to take, remember? I was happy enough as an agent on the ground but now you have me in the big chair making bigger decisions. This man is responsible for experiments on American soldiers–”

“One.”

“Excuse me?”

“ _One_ American. Rather, one that survived. We never knew who it was.” He ran his hand through his thoroughly slicked hair. “Until now that is.”

Peggy forced herself to sit.

“You knew.”

“I knew some, not all. I wanted to talk to him – to Barnes - about it but I do value my life and if the state of our office and of Zola is any indication what he was juiced with was … intriguing.”

“Stark, he’s a person you’re talking about not a zoo animal.”

“Which is why you just tranq’d him like a rogue lion, Carter?”

She stood then, balling her hands into fists. He saw it and smartly retreated behind his desk.

“Rather than have him murder a man on my office floor? Because you know he wasn’t going to stop, and I won’t have him ruin his life over that man, not again.”

“You knew about the torture?”

She shook her head.

“I knew parts of the story, from Steve and from James. Never the full extent from either of them, and the files were destroyed in the fire when they escaped the first time. I just … never wanted it to be what I knew it was. A part of me held on to hope that whatever they did to him – whoever it was –  that it failed.”

“If it failed he’d be dead, long dead.”

“I can’t do this with you now, I need to see him.”

Stark nodded as she placed her empty glass on his coffee table.

“We’re wheels up at six, just a reminder.”

She paused in the doorway, wanting so badly to give him a piece of her mind, or a piece of her fists. She chose a different route and stormed out and down the twenty floors to the underground medical bay.

Bucky opened his eyes and there was a ceiling, lights, bright and white.

Panic flooded him before he felt her hand on his.

“Hey.”

He squinted, turning to look at her.

“You shot me.”

“I did.”

“Hurt … good aim though.” He spoke, rubbing the area she shot - they both knew that bruise was going to hurt.

“Peggy–”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

He just shook his head, pulling away from her to try and sit up, “My head feels foggy. How much juice was in that dart?”

“Enough to knock out an elephant. Sorry again.”

“He dead?”

The cold unfeeling way in which he spoke ran through her, as did the fact that he wouldn’t look at her as he sat up on the hospital bed.

“Would it make you happy if he were?”

He didn’t react.

“No, he’s in hospital – from what I gather it’s three broken ribs, two broken arms, six missing teeth, a broken nose–”

“I get it, I did some damage.”

“Some? Part of his face is still sitting on my carpet.”

“Send me the dry cleaning bill then,” he said coolly, standing up and flexing his shoulders til he heard a pop.

“You hardly have a scratch on you.”

“Yeah…”

“ _Bucky_ –”

“You shook his hand, Peggy. You smiled at him and you shook his Goddamn hand. Do you have any idea what those hands did to me? Do you? For days they … he … they kept me there and they injected me and poked at me with knives and tools, and more injections that felt like acid being poured into my veins. They hooked me up to machines, in my brain, in my body, they took me out and painted me with something, I don’t even know what, and they stuffed me back in. So I know that you’re sorry, I see it in your face, but right now I don’t give a damn. You shook his hand, Peg.”

“I didn’t know he was the one that … had you. There’s another war, a very real one on going and we need to use what we have at our disposal, every opportunity to gain an advantage is a plus for the people caught in the crossfire!” She hated how much she  sounded like Howard in that moment.

He sighed, stuffing his feet in his shoes that sat underneath the bed.

“No, maybe you didn’t know it was at his hand that I suffered, but you knew he’d had others, he’d been top tier in torture Peggy, and look, I know the job isn’t easy. I see the bruises and the weariness when you come home. You think I don’t but I do. I figured you’d talk about it when you were ready, but this, you’re working with the enemy; the one that we sacrificed so much to stop – that Steve sacrificed his life to stop. So you’ll have to excuse me if I fail to understand right now what the fuck you think you’re doing for the good of the people here.”

He pulled on his now torn jacket that hung by the door, still refusing to look at her.

“So this is it then, you’re just leaving?”

Still he didn’t answer her.

“Jesus, James answer me!”

“What do you want me to say, Peggy?!” he yelled loud enough that the nurse entering the room made a swift exit, closing the door behind her again. “I knew the job came with restrictions but I never thought you’d outright keep this from me, and if you’re keeping this from me … well…” he huffed a breath, sarcasm rife in his tone. “Is there anything else you’re keeping from me?”

She knew she should have told him there and then, but her original reasoning stood, what would have been the point had the search continued to be as fruitless as it had been since ‘45? Instead, she stayed silent, not wanting to hurt him more. He knew there was something, the hurt on his face said it all, and she suddenly wanted to shoot something.

“I need to go. We’ll … I don’t know … talk later I guess.” He shook his head as he reached for the door handle.

“I … I’m wheels up in three hours; you know I have to go, right?” she didn’t know what to say, but she knew that was probably the wrong thing, a sort of threat wasn’t the way to deal with him then, and she screwed it up anyway.

“Yeah, Peggy, I know. The job as always comes first. Believe me, I know.” He walked slowly from the room, calm – almost eerily so. There was no shouting, no door slamming and she was sure that the calm was worse, at least when they were passionate in their arguments there was hope.

In that moment, and the ones that followed she felt no such hope.

                                                                       ***

The bar was deserted; just him and a few old drunks drowning their sorrows. He had switched from whiskey to rum, the warm feel of it burning his throat in that almost uncomfortable way. He remembered the last time he’d had rum, before a war, before his life changed in every direction, before his righteous sickly friend became a national icon, before … before.

 

“You stole this didn’t you?”

He just shrugged.

“Buck? You stole it didn’t you? You did, I know you did, no way you affording a bottle of this – not this week. Hell, not any week,” Steve reasoned from his place on the couch. They sat in the living room – or rather the small square inside the front door before you hit the bedroom and outside the kitchen, but it was a living room for all intents and purposes. Every window in the place was open. It was mid-August the year Bucky turned nineteen, and it was the hottest one on record since the old guys started keeping records. The boys were baking; every apartment on the block was wide open, people practically living on their fire escapes. Arguments, conversations, dogs barking, babies crying, it all filtered through now and then, but for the most part it was the sounds of the city, considering how far up their place was.

“It’s a treat. Don’t we deserve a treat now and then?” he asked, yanking the bottle back out of Steve’s hands. His friend just rolled his eyes.

“I guess.”

“You guess? Steve we work hard, we’ve got to play hard when we can.”

“And playing hard is shot gunning stolen rum?” The incredulous look on his face was expected, their idea of fun was tame by anyone’s standards.

“You gotta take the kicks where you get ‘em, kid.”

“You know I hate that, you’re a year older than me, _technically_ eleven months and a few weeks, but whatever. Don’t call me kid.”

Bucky just smirked, ruffling Steve’s hair as he got up to shut the window closest to him.

“Bucky, fuckin’ stop that shit.”

It did nothing but give him the giggles.

“Sorry … sorry…”

He wasn’t even a little sorry. Steve sometimes was a surly drunk and drunken Bucky found that endlessly amusing.

“Why you shuttin’ my window?”

“Because it’s hot as balls but you’re two weeks from a bad attack and not for nothin’ but I don’t want to be stuck stuffing you under a sink of hot steam in this heat, so deal with it.”

“A chill won’t kill me, not in this heat.”

“Yeah, we’re not taking that chance, no argument.”

Steve just rolled his eyes.

It got him a couch cushion to the head for his trouble, which he threw back right away, missing Bucky by a mile because his aim sober was shit – drunk it was even worse.

“Ugh no. Bye,” he said, pulling himself up off the lumpy second hand couch that they’d gotten when they moved in since it was still in place from the previous owner. Steve stumbled over to the bed – a bed – their bed really. It had been fashioned in a sense, the two singles pushed together to make a double. At first the reasoning was innocent enough, it got real cold in winter and it made sense to compile their blankets and pillows and what have you. For a long time neither would admit any other reasoning behind the shift. That was until six months before when Steve had almost got himself killed – again. This time over a girl named Sera, or Sheila, he wasn’t sure anymore, either way she was being harassed and of course Steve – King of bad choices - decided he could take two guys twice his size.

He couldn’t, and he got his ass kicked. He stumbled home half broken, again, and Bucky stitched him up, again. He was getting real good with a needle, if he did say so himself.

It was after that, after the arguments, the silence from Steve, the ‘what are you trying to do, prove how big a man you are?’ speeches, that when they settled down for the night, still silently ignoring the other that Steve took matters, and Bucky into his own hands. He’ll never forget how scared he was, how he could feel his heart doing the freakin’ polka in his chest when Steve faced him, looking at him in nothing but the orange light through the window from the street lamp outside. He studied him for a long time, his brows knitted together until Bucky eventually told him to quit it, “Take a picture Rogers, it’ll last longer, now shut your eyes and sleep…”

He didn’t though, instead he just reached over, putting his cold hand to Bucky’s warm face – getting warmer as the flush of fear and excitement and danger flooded through him.

“Rogers, I swear to God.”

“Shut up, okay? Just … shut up,” he whispered back before Bucky gave up the fake sleep he was in and opened his eyes too. The breath knocked out of his lungs when he saw a look on Steve’s face he’d never seen before.

“Steve–”

“Why do you take care of me?” he asked, softly, almost inaudibly.

Bucky swallowed hard.

“What? Shut up and go to sleep, Jesus.”

“Why do you take care of me, Buck?”

_Because I love you, because you’re my best friend, because I love you._

“Because you’re an idiot, that’s why. Now go to fuckin’ sleep.”

He heard Steve sigh, turning away from him, and for a second he thought he’d won that round. Steve still didn’t know, wouldn’t know, and Bucky closed his eyes again. Except, Steve was Steve and Steve was a little shit that didn’t know when to give up. He turned back to face Bucky again and this time he made it known that he was wanting his attention by poking him in the chest.

That got annoying real fast.

“Jesus Harry Christ, Rogers, what?!”

“ _Why_ do you take care of me?!”

Maybe he was concussed, maybe his brain just got bashed one too many times. Either way, he wasn’t giving up and he wasn’t backing down. There was a sinking feeling in Bucky’s stomach that it was now or never.

It was now, it was then. Instead of answering him with words he did something – else.

He grabbed Steve by the back of the neck and kissed him, once, softly but with enough oomph to send the message. He backed away, awaiting the punch in the jaw that never came.

“I … I take care of you because that’s just how it is, you take care of me too, and that’s just how it is. It’s you and me … no matter how much I try to shake it. It’s you … and me. Got that?” He wasn’t sure even he got that, but he was in a state of shock at himself in that moment.

Steve was beet red, even lit up only by the fading orange light outside. His mouth was agape, but not in a bad way, not in that righteous pained away it got when he saw something that upset him.

“ _Oh_ …”

“Yeah, oh.”

Flight or fight was rushing through Bucky in that moment, so very unsure of what happened next. Thankfully though, he didn’t have to decide what happened next because Steve just smiled that stupidly endearing smile where he ducked his head and blinked, right before he put his hand on Bucky’s face again, this time with purpose.

Steve leaned in and brushed his lips against his, once, twice, warm and wet and so unsure. Neither of them had closed their eyes, not at first, but then, he figured being the one that initiated this he should show him the ropes. The last person Steve had practiced kissing with was Mandy Gold in seventh grade. After that, it was all bets off between them. Messy make out sessions and a lot of rubbing against each other ‘til orgasm right up until that night with the rum. Maybe it was Dutch courage, maybe it was plain stupid, he would never know. All he knew was he associated rum with a good memory, one he never wanted to forget.

                                               ***

“I’m drunk.” Steve announced from his side of the bed, pillow over his face.

“Yes you are,” Bucky agreed because, well, he wasn’t a liar.

“So drunk. Drinkity drunk. Ha that’s funny. Am I funny drunk or a stupid drunk?”

“A funny stupid drunk, which you know, is weird since you’re so aggressive sober, you’d think you’d be a fucking cracker drunk, but nope – all maudlin and pun-cracking and handsy.”

“ _Tut_.”

“Don’t tut at me, you know you’re handsy.”

Steve just glared from his spot on the bed as Bucky moseyed over, wobbly as it were, almost finished bottle still in hand.

“You’re just as bad as me don’t lie.”

“Not gonna,” he said throwing himself on the squeaky mattress with little to no grace. “I’m all hands, and mouth and everywhere else.” He smiled to himself, because well, alcohol.

He put the bottle down on the floor before returning to his original position, on his side of the bed, facing Steve.

“Hey Steve?”

“Hm?”

“Wanna make out?”

“With _you_?” Steve’s disgusted look got him a pillow in the face before both of them started laughing, Steve slowly taking Bucky’s hand in his. “If we’re gonna, we need to close the widows and stuff.”

The fear, it never fully went away, he hated that, hated that nothing intimate between them could be spontaneous. Begrudgingly, he got up and shut the windows, leaving one ajar, but closed the curtains.

He got as far as the bed before Steve, using just about all the strength he possessed, pulled him down beside him, though he moved instantly on top of him, arms wrapped around his neck, lips to lips. He smelled like his soap and the rum, and in that moment Bucky loved both of those smells more than anything.

“Hi…” Steve said with a lopsided drunken smile, which Bucky was sure he matched as he spoke the same word before kissing him again, hard and fast, pushing him onto the pillow, straddling him as gently as possible.

“ _Hi_ ,” he breathed out, their chests touching.

“You don’t have to be so easy on me,” Steve spoke, gasping from just being gently tussled to the mattress again. “I can take it...” his mouth said their wrestling, his eyes said everything else Bucky wanted to give him.

“Yeah I’ll bet you could,” Bucky groaned, grinding down on his friend; both of them sadly still wearing pants. His hands on Steve’s belt started to take care of that issue though, “But no.”

Steve just huffed. Bucky didn’t give a damn if he pouted about it – in fact he kind of liked it when he did. Fact was when they messed around they never went further than touching and sucking each other off. At first, it was chalked up to just that, messing around, some release, to pass the time. But neither of them was as stupid or as naive as they pretended to be at times like right then. And that night, everything changed. They didn’t stop after sucking each other off.  They didn’t stop at the licking and touching and opening the other up and making them come all over themselves, squirm and moan into the pillow below them, no, that night was different.

“I don’t … don’t … want to stop, never wanna stop-” Incoherency was a thing with them, Bucky realised as he gasped for air as Steve worked him over with his mouth again. Beyond stifling moans and gasps as best they could – paper thin walls were the devil, there wasn’t much talk until after, that night after became the before of everything else. Bucky wouldn’t fuck Steve, as much as he really, really wanted to. They both knew the risks were greater and that Bucky weighed a lot more than Steve regardless of any of the health issues tossed into the mix. That didn’t mean he didn’t want Steve to be the one to fuck him, but Steve was still on his stubborn streak, insisting that he could take everything Bucky could give him, and then some. Bucky didn’t trust himself to be as gentle as he needed to be in the heat of the moment, so it was a solid no, with the option to be the one to do the fucking.

Bucky huffed at his friend, enticing him with a leering led conversation on how he didn’t know a man this side of Brooklyn he’d need to ‘actively convince to fuck me like I gotta fucking convince you, if you don’t want me I know more than enough men that would gladly take me.’ Steve, being the possessive little bastard that he was, took the bait and began working Bucky into a frenzy.

Bucky trembled, staring glassy eyed at Steve as he pushed his fingers inside him, covered in Vaseline and providing every nerve in his body with a tingling heavenly sensation.  Bucky kept himself rigid, gasping and moaning as the warmth coiling in his belly ebbed and flowed forcing him to shut his eyes and bite his lip to keep his sounds down. That night, having Steve inside him – essentially losing his virginity to Bucky – though neither of them would talk about exactly what it meant to both of them – a conversation he regretted not having every day since. The laughs and the awkwardness of it all somehow didn’t matter, not to them, nothing about the faltered rhythm or leg cramps or the fact that Steve bit his tongue so hard his eyes watered… None of it mattered more than what they had decided to trust each other enough to do together. He had wanted to hold on to him afterward, after they had reached for the wet cloth by the bed and wiped each other down and struggled to find the energy to just climb under the blankets together. He had so desperately wanted to tell him how he felt – how much he loved him. But the words died in his throat, and the sparkly fucked-out look in Steve’s eyes faded out to a memory of the last time he saw him, that last day before they set off on what would be his suicide mission.

Bucky woke up with a hangover and filled with nothing but regret. Regret for Steve, and now fresh regret for Peggy, the happy memory of those two idiot boys in Brooklyn fading with the sun as he realised he had slept most of the day having drunk his body weight in rum the night before.

Regret, it tasted bitter, as usual.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh?? I'll say this, next chapter should feature another old friend, this one a lot more welcome than the last though ;)


	10. Who's Saving You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets kissed unexpectantly, Peggy could rule the world, and Howard finds something in the ice.

In the month that he had been taking classes, he was happy to find he had fallen into a routine of sorts – though a boring one at that. Classes, library, food, sleep, reading – lather, rinse, repeat - for four whole weeks. Not that he was complaining; he could have used a little boring to come down from the utter panic he had felt constantly after the incident with Zola, and subsequently with Peggy.

 _Peggy_.

God, he knew deep down that she didn’t mean to betray him in any way, least of all in that way, least of all in the worst way possible. But in his mind – in his fucked up, Zola diddled mind - he felt betrayed and angry and devastated, all of which was directed at her and her actions. So angry was he in fact that when the letter came to his dorm addressed to him in what was her perfectly meticulous hand, he threw it in the trash. He threw it in the trash, took a walk around the university, came back, and took it out of the trash. It sat, staring at him from his cork board ever since. His anger at her had faded, slowly, and it was replaced by a dull empty ache of loss, something he wasn’t sure he could deal with, or if he even knew how.

“Hey Bucky?” A knock came to his door that was shortly followed by a head and a smiley face that belonged to Jack Grimes, a second year teaching assistant in one of his psych classes. He was around Bucky’s age, closer to it anyway than the other Freshmen in his class that was, and so the two had found each other and enabled a coffee addiction in the other from week one.

“Hey we’re heading down to the diner in a bit, just me and Tommy and his roommate Cal. We were wondering if you’d wanna go? You eat right? I’ve never seen you eat, I told them you exist on coffee and despair alone…”

Yeah, he was a smartass.

“I eat,” he deadpanned, getting a grin in return.

“Well I’ll be damned,” he grinned. “If you wanna eat with other humans, you know, for a change, we’re going in fifteen, because Cal is a momma’s boy and needs to finish his letter to her first. God forbid he miss a week of filling her in on every droll detail of his life…” he rolled his eyes at this Cal, making Bucky smile.

“Sure thing, I’m starving actually.”

“Excellent, come get in five, ‘k?”

Bucky nodded and his … friend? Classmate? Sorta-tour-guide? Well, Jack, at any rate, left with a smile. He’d met Jack on the first day; his lost-freshman look he said didn’t suit a guy so old. He could have taken offense, except that it was painfully true. Bucky wasn’t straight out of high school, he was straight out of a factory where he went straight out of a world war. These … kids … though they were only a few years younger, they seemed to be a different species. Kind of like in the comics he read as a kid, you know, before he became a character in a comic himself.

He never allowed himself to think of today’s kids seeing him as some kind of hero, it didn’t much sit well with him. Steve on the other hand, yeah he was the hero.

As it turns out Jack and his crew were sort of great, like really great. Great in the sense that they clearly knew his name, knew his reputation, but unlike his next door dorm neighbour and those three terrifying freshmen girls, they never mentioned Steve, or the Commandos, or the war even. It was pretty great to just pretend to be a regular guy, even for a while.

“And this mook, well he just up and fell right in, it was like watching something in a movie I swear to God–” Jack began, but stopped when he started to laugh.

“I realised it was happening and it was as if I was powerless to stop, and so yeah, I ended up face first in a rather large batch of cow manure, which can I just say, took three showers and most of my sister’s fancy soap to scrub off.”

“Yeah, you smelled real ladylike for a few days, which made a change from smelling like shit like you usually do – only then I guess it wasn’t you shit-”

“You’re so funny, oh wait, no – you’re not.” Cal – the self-professed mamma’s boy - was also it seems a bit of a klutz. It made for some good stories though. He hadn’t recalled laughing with a bunch of men since … well since the fireside adventures of Dugan and the crew from their time tramping around Europe. Those chats never had the carefree, safe feeling he had in that diner, but they were still amazing.

“You’ll get used to them, you know? I mean if you don’t make many freshmen buds, we’re always around. We know the place too so if you’re ever lost just come get one of us or somethin’ you know?” Jack offered as they walked back to the dorm building. “As a TA I get my own dorm too, and let me tell you, you lucked out getting it as a freshman, people would … I’m pretty sure, kill, for one of those.” He smiled and nodded as if to make his point, his floppy dirty blonde hair moving with him.

“Oh yeah?”

“Hell yeah, I mean not for nothing  but my freshman roomie was a doll-dizzy fat head whose father was loaded. I didn’t get a minute’s peace to study never mind sleep. I knew though, I was here on my own dime, well, and a scholarship and my family’s piece of the money puzzle too but we weren’t loaded like he was. It was a nightmare.” He rolled his eyes at the memory.

Bucky could see how that would be annoying though he was instantly reminded – as most things tended to do - of Steve and his pouty face before they became a thing, how angry he got but tried to hide it. Bucky fed off that anger for longer than he cared to admit, even to himself.

“Yeah, so you don’t have a girl then?” They had reached the steps, Bucky’s room was to the left, Jack’s to the right, they took the stairs two at a time each, still holding conversation.

“Me? Oh, nah, I uh … I gotta focus, you know? I get a lot of guys are lookin’ for a wife before their balls even drop but I’ve got plans first.”

“Smart.”

“What uh … I mean, do you?”

Bucky raised a brow before the other man continued. The hallways were all but empty now, and eerie at times he thought.

“Do you have a girl I mean, not that it’s my business but since we’re talkin and you don’t wear a ring … and a good lookin’ guy like you is bound to have someone right?”

Bucky just grinned, pushing the weight of all his Peggy shaped pain down as far as it would go.

“Uh, no I guess.”

“You _guess_? That sounds … confusing.”

He just shook his head.

“I mean I did, but now I don’t.”

“Rough breakup?”

No, not really, there was no official breakup, which really made things that much worse – if they could even get that way.

“I guess it’s complicated.”

The other man merely nodded before patting him on the shoulder.

“It’s rough, I get that. If you need to … I was gonna say talk but that would be weird right? I mean talking to me about your breakup? That’s … yeah that’s weird so I’m not gonna say that, but I will say that me and the guys are going to this club in the city on Saturday – one of the weekends I’m not training after classes, so we’re gonna take advantage. If … I mean if you’re not busy you should come.” He laughed, and it was clear to Bucky then the guy was nervous. He hadn’t meant to intimidate the man. So he agreed, if he could get started on his essays and such, he would take a few hours and go dancing. In truth his heart just wasn’t in it like theirs were. His heart was pretty much broken and unable to step up for much other than keeping him alive, mores the pity, he thought sometimes.

He got back to his room, lit only by the small lap by his small bed and he glanced as he always did at the letter pinned to the board. Maybe he’d work up the courage of heart to read it, but right then wasn’t the right time. Instead he passed out on the bed a few minutes later still in his clothes.

                                                           (())

 

A week sorting out a mess at the SHIELD base in London had derailed Peggy’s schedule completely. Howard was suspiciously MIA on and off once more, and that left her with the handful of new agents who were as wet behind the ears as a bloody mermaid. Leaving her with only two other competent agents that she had all but nabbed from the London office for assistance, she knew from the outset that setting up the new base in Switzerland was going to be a tough one.

She knew she was being a crotchety old cow to everyone involved, and she had scared off Ron the translator more than once in the six weeks since she’d been on the ground, but really, he was a bit of an idiot anyway. It wasn’t her fault that she had to be the one to point it out!

“MARIA?!” she bellowed from her office, paper threatening to trap her there in an avalanche of former trees.

“Yes Ma’am?” The blonde’s head popped around the door a second later, pushing as hard as she could to even get the thing to open. God, she needed three pairs of hands.

“First of all, stop calling me that, second of all what are you doing out there?”

“Well I–”

“Is it saving a life or somehow annoying Howard?”

“Neither of those things Ma’a … Peggy.”

She smiled then, finally looking up from the three smallish stacks of paper on her desk.

“Excellent, far be it from me to stop you from either of _those_ things. Cancel whatever it is you are actually doing and while you’re at it, grab Ron, we need to sort out these files and those intel briefings and those … you know what, we need to just sort this bloody place out. Okay?”

The blonde nodded before smiling and exiting the room. She would return five minutes later with Ron and Barry, the newest hire from the week before. He was a data analyst, and somehow she had convinced him that sorting the data was the first task before analysing it.

Peggy liked Maria Collins Carbonell very much; she could bullshit as well as Peggy but not half as much as Howard. She was glad she’d nabbed her from London.

                                               ***

She was exhausted, which wasn’t so unusual, but what was unusual for her was the heavy heart that kept her company after work. She hadn’t felt this heartbroken since the war, since Steve, and even then it was somehow less of a heartbreak of losing him as a partner and lover as it was all the possibilities she lost with him. This was different. Even her first love hadn’t made her heart hurt as much as Bucky Barnes had by his deafening silence. It had taken her four tries before she had finished a draft of the letter it would then take her three trips to the post box to actually post, the least he could do she thought, was reply. Even if it was to tell her that she was a fucking idiot and he never wanted to see her again, it would, she imagined, be less painful than the silence.

Peggy hated silence. The record player was her company most nights, that and the endless reading she had to do for work, after work.

‘The job always comes first, believe me, I know.’

His words had echoed in her head since that day, the day with Zola and the whole mess. A mess that sent Stark on one of his no-sleep binges off in search of files long since lost, determined to find out what possible derivative they could have given Bucky, off no doubt in cahoots with Zola himself much to her disgust.

“Any personal mail?” She asked Ellie the next morning, and unsurprisingly there was none. Ellie was a new recruit, a native of their current location in Geneva.

“No, but there are three separate telegrams from Mr. Stark,” she said, placing them and a new stack of papers on her desk. “Your next round of interviews starts at one. Maria reminded me to remind you to eat beforehand otherwise no one will be good enough.”

That earned her a sharp look to which the girl held her now free hands up in defense.

“Her words…”

“Yes, thank you Ellie.”

The girl, and she was a girl, no more than nineteen, was tall – lanky she even might say - beyond uncomfortable in a skirt and Peggy knew how that felt. She had shoulder length black hair and dark brown eyes against the palest skin Peggy had recalled since her own. She was sweet day to day and whip sharp, speaking four languages and excelling at field work all proven within the six week evaluation period.  

She was a keeper.

Finding the male counterparts however was proving to be a task in and of itself.

Was it her fault that her standard was Steve Rogers and James Barnes?

Not really, no.

                                                           *****

He drank a bottle of whatever it was that Jack kept in his room. They had mapped out three papers and gone over notes for two classes. He remembered none of it. He was pretty sure his handwriting was just scribbles, and by the time he all but stumbled back to his side of the corridor, he was a little giddy.

And stupid.

Mostly stupid.

Because right then was when he deemed himself brave enough to open the damn letter.

Not his finest moment, admittedly.

‘ _James_ ,’ she’d started, her loopy elegant hand neat and pretty just like her from the off, ‘ _with how we left things and with Howard’s obsessive thing with keeping time in the air, it left me little choice but to do this on paper rather than in person as I would have liked. Not that I would have liked saying these things in any medium … regardless of how it’s said, I feel the need to say it once more._

_I am sorry._

_I’m sorry for what happened to you, I am sorry we failed to protect you and so many others in that time, from those men, and I am sorry I failed to protect you from him today.  Barnes, you’re an important part of my life, and if my job, my promise to the people, makes it seem like you don’t matter then you’re wrong. I don’t have all the answers, or even all the questions, but I’m bloody well sure going to keep asking them. If that means that’s it for us, then so be it.’_ She had attached an address and a secure line number, ending it with a phrase where she leaned extra heavy on her pen, _‘Hope to hear from you soon, Love Carter.’_

God he missed her, he loved her and he missed her. He was tired of missing people he loved.

So, he did the second or maybe third (if you counted drinking whatever moonshine shit Jack offered him and he was definitely counting it) stupid thing of the night and left the dorm, letter in hand, and found his way to the exit level where the payphone was situated. Thankfully at that time of the morning the phone was free, as was the hallway. He cleared his throat and pushed back the tears that were burning to break free, and he spoke clearly to the operator asking to be connected for such a long distance call. He attempted to calculate the time difference and failed. He figured it was later than it was there but not so late as to be offensive.

Besides, it was an intelligence agency, they had people to answer their phones – he assumed.

The phone rang for a while, and his nerves hiked with each passing second before a sweet sounding girl answered the call.

“Uhm, may I speak with Pe – Agent Margaret Carter please?”

“May I ask who is calling?”

“Barnes,” was all he offered, and it was apparently enough.

“One moment please, sir.”

There was some clicking and then some more ringing, and then he heard her voice. First time in a month he remembered, taking a deep breath.

“James?”

“Peggy, hey.”

“Uh … hello?” she sounded unsure and it wasn’t like he could blame her, she’d gone six weeks thinking he had finished things with her without a word.

“I’m an idiot,” he admitted right off the bat.

She laughed lightly at that before speaking, “Usually I would disagree, but then usually it doesn’t take you almost two months to–”

“I just read the letter tonight,” he confessed breathlessly, sliding against the wall, fishing more change out of his pockets.

“ _Oh_ … I see.”

“I wanted to, before, but I was angry and I almost threw it away because I was so angry.”

“I am sorry, I meant that–”

“I know you did, Carter. I know you didn’t mean … that it wasn’t done to hurt me, and hey, the asshole is the only person alive that knows what they did to me so maybe it’s a sign.”

“A sign of what exactly?”

“That I can’t keep running from this, this … the only nightmare I’ve had since ’45. It’s honestly … I … it terrifies me, Peg. What he did to me, what it did to me, what it’s DOING to me.”

“Bucky … what do you think it’s doing to you?” she asked, softly, full of concern.

“I think it’s killing me,” he confessed for the first time, and a weight lifted from him in that moment. He heard her gasp then, though she attempted to hide it. He heard a sniffle too, and that set him off again, the fucking tears stinging so hard he just let them fall.

“I think it’s killing me from the inside out, Peggy and I’m so scared to find out if I’m right. I haven’t felt like me since that day Steve dragged me off that table and he … he was the only one I told exactly what they did to me … and even he had no idea of just how bad it was.” He was silently sobbing then, as was she and for a few seconds neither of them could speak.

“I’m coming home,” Peggy said then, her voice strong as ever. “I … have stuff here but it can wait.”

“Peggy, no.”

“Yes, this is important … you … _God_ , you have to know you’re more important to me than–”

“I do know, I do, I was just angry. Peggy I got with you knowing you aren’t the girl that’s gonna chain herself to a damn stove and try to please the world with tradition and it’s a huge part of why I love you. Your job is to save the world, and you’re doing _that_ , end of conversation.”

“But if I’m saving the world, who’s saving you?”

He smiled then, picturing her resolved face, feeling lighter by the second. They stayed on the line for about an hour after she called him back. Had he known he would have gotten a hell of a lost more change to keep the conversation going, but as it stood they resorted to her calling him. She finally agreed not to rush home, that now that things were better – not perfect or fixed, but better between them – he assured her he was going to be fine. He was working through some stuff, and being alone made that easier. She understood, she was a hell of a woman really, and he knew that too. They agreed on times for calls, and that he would write now that he had extracted his head from his ass.

It was good to make her laugh again, he could picture her hiding her mouth with her hands in the way that she did, even though she had a beautiful smile.

 

                                                           ****

“How many dead?” Peggy asked as Dugan came to her side, and Morita, Jones, Falsworth and Dernier took the perimeter. The latter members of the former Howling Commandos had been a score on her part. Bringing them back for SHIELD had landed her brownie points with Stark, as well as those from the SSR funding the division. It gave her unit gravitas and recognition, as well as a battlefield connection to their cash cow that was the Captain America persona, one they kept milking at home still for all its nostalgic worth.

“Twenty-four so far, sixteen captured. They’re being brought back for interrogation as we speak, the rest of the files have been blasted or lost – we have Falsworth and Jones heading there after a border check.”

Peggy nodded, noting the clearing in front of her. At first it was just a field, one with a steep hill - a hill that opened up to a secret Hydra base. It had taken them six hours to take the entire base and its operatives, not her best time by a long shot, but one that showed the new recruits the basics without the safety net of a training exercise. Some, she noted, were ashen and shocked looking as they sat on the grass together.

“Fine job then, get them some water will you? I’m sure Gold is going to pass out and I’m not carrying her arse back to camp.”

Dum-Dum smiled then, patting her hard on the back as normal, before going to see to the babes in the wood. Peggy assessed the damage and the loot once more. There were artifacts buried within the base, the same blue glow of the tesseract, and that in itself alarmed her more than she was trying to let on. They had liquefied it.

“Let’s clean up and ship out, shall we? We don’t have all day!” she announced to the rest of the agents on the ground. Stark had a standard clean-up crew for ops like this one, and they were due to arrive to whitewash their deeds here in ten minutes. Peggy liked to remain ignorant as to what that clean up actually entailed. She got the important items, and Hydra members to question. As far as she was concerned her job there was done for the day.

                                                           ***

“A toast then, to the birthday girl. May she get a good night’s sleep if nothing else!” Peggy announced as she stood at the table in what had become their regular bar back in Geneva, having travelled to the outskirts of Austria, they were all fit for nothing but a few drinks and nibbles the night of Ellie’s birthday. Maria had baked cupcakes though, so that was nice. In truth, Peggy just wanted to get back to her flat in town, and hopefully catch Bucky before class, though she tried to be a present friend and not a distracted one for as long as she could before she made her excuses and took her leave. With Stark still MIA she had another early start anyway and everyone understood.

                                               *****

“But you were trained for the same thing, Bucky!”

“No, it’s _inherently_ different-”

“So you weren’t taken to a camp down south or whatever and trained to hit targets – targets that would become real men?”

“Yes but–”

“So then it’s the same thing, just from a different perspective you were their enemy,”  Jack argued with him, the same argument that had been going on for at least twenty minutes as they sat in his dorm room, planning Bucky’s end of term essay. He had chosen psychological war on the soldiers as a non-too subtle topic of research.

“There's an immense difference between those who enjoy killing and those who have been conditioned to kill under specific circumstances. Military training does the latter. It allows you to overcome resistance to killing under orders. We didn’t just start sniping everyone around us in enemy territory, Jack.”

He held up his hands then, and the bottle of his poison, one that Bucky was sadly getting a taste for. He took a long slug before settling back down on the carpet again.

“Sorry Buck, you would know more than I would after all. You were there and lived it, I just read about it.”

The hairs on Bucky’s neck stood on edge when Jack called him by the name that only Steve ever used. He took levelled breaths trying to keep his face neutral.

“No, its fine. I mean we all lived it, right? All did our part.”

“I was too young just by a year to get the draft, my folks were so relieved.”

Bucky nodded. He understood that. Sadly, his folks were gone by the time he got back; pneumonia taking his mother, and a heart attack taking his father six months later. Those letters had been brutal. He remembered the nights he spent in Steve’s arms then, doing nothing but sobbing like a little kid.

“I still … I mean I know you talk about ‘Steve’ and we all pretend we don’t know who he really was.”

He got sharp then, hating that the legend meant more to people than the man.

“He was really just Steve, to the people that knew him at least. The Captain shit came later.”

His friend nodded, looking properly chastised.

“Sorry…”

“No … Shit, don’t mind me. I’m not drinking anymore; I’m a grumpy drunk, so Peggy says.”

Jack smiled.

“She sounds like a smart dame.”

“She is, terrifyingly so. She could rule the world I’m pretty sure.”

“You love her?” he asked, taking a swig.

That was an easy one.

“Yeah I really do,” he smiled, despite himself.

Jack took another large slug of the alcohol before asking something that would have floored Bucky, had he not been sitting on it.

“You love her like you love Steve?”

Bucky’s mouth fell agape, but before he could fully formulate an answer, Jack’s mouth was on his, kissing his softly, but aggressive enough to let him know what his ultimate intentions were.

Holy actual shit!

Bucky shot backward, eyebrows knitted together in obvious confusion.

“What the hell?!”

His friend just sighed.

“Come on Bucky, it’s obvious to me that you’re into guys too… I mean, Peggy sounds swell and all, but the way you talk about Captain America–”

“ _Steve_.”

“Steve … you were in love with him too, and I get what that’s like, to be in love with your best friend, but he doesn’t have to be the only guy for you.”

Bucky scrambled to his feet then, lifting his notebooks and stuffing them into his book bag.

“You have no clue what you’re talking about.” He was flustered and red, and sweating. He was pretty sure his heart was beating out of his chest too.

 _Jesus_.

“Bucky, come on, you don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay, I went through something similar with my friend Mark. It was hell … I mean he wasn’t a national icon of war or a hero or anything that you guys are, but losing him still hurt–”

“Stop talking _now_.”

Why was he having such an issue getting the Goddamn books into the bag? The overwhelming urge to smash something was making him shake.

“Look, I’m sorry I just sprung this on you, but I figured you liked me too–”

He looked at him then.

“I do, you’re my friend, and I usually like my friends, it’s how we become friends you know? Christ, this is so over the line of anything–”

“I feel the chemistry and I know you do too. I’m just saying it doesn’t have to go ignored, I would never out you to anyone. Hell, I’m risking everything just by putting myself out here like this you know? But I figured you’d understand.”

Oh he understood all too damn well the risk of telling the truth. He wouldn’t do that to Steve, not when he wasn’t here to do it himself.

“I…”

“Bucky, I’m real sorry if I read this wrong okay? I just like you and I figured–”

“You figured wrong. I’m sorry, but nothing of what you said is even remotely true. Steve and I were best friends, brothers … nothing more. I’m sorry if you’re starting to believe the whispers of the freshmen girls in war history.” He felt the bile rise in his throat at the lie, but had no other option.

With that he finally got his shit together, and left as quietly as he could. He locked himself in his dorm for the next full day. He wasn’t sure how to face the world as a barefaced liar.

                                                           ****

Peggy was dead on her feet as Stark’s driver dropped her off at her door, a full two weeks before Christmas this time, and the first time she’d seen home in months. There was snow on the ground as she had expected, and the bitter cold did nothing to her warm heart at the sight of New York, the sight of Brooklyn. She pushed her way up the steps with her luggage trailing, fully expecting to come home to an empty house. Instead, she came home and caught him attempting to exit through the back.

“I was trying to not be here when you got back, but–”

“Hello to you too?” she offered as they stood now in her hallway, awkwardly.

“Hi,” he smiled and God that was a sight for sore eyes. “I uh … just wanted this place to be warm when you got in, also there’s food.”

She wanted to cry. It had been so long since someone had done something so nice and for just her.

“You … don’t have a key though.”

And he didn’t. After all their time together and apart, he didn’t have a key. Nothing official had ever been asked and she knew now that was a damn shame.

“As if that’s ever stopped me,” he said with a cheeky grin and God, she desperately wanted to kiss him.

“I … thank you for …” she waved her hand to her warm and inviting living room, lit by the roaring fire and enticing her in with the smell of what she knew was the delicious Irish Stew – Steve’s mother’s apparently - on the stove.

“No problem. I should go, I know you like some alone time when you come home from this sort of thing.”

She did, usually. To decompress, have a bath and some silence, before she attempted civilian life again. This was different though, she had been without him enough and his lingering told her he felt the same.

“Stay, eat with me. You’ve gone to all the trouble of cooking, and you should eat.” She slipped off her boots and her coat, discarding her luggage and padding into the kitchen to serve the food, he followed her silently.

They took their bowls and a seat each at her little nook, eating in the same silence for a few minutes. Peggy all but devoured her dinner.

“Good?” he asked with a smile before heading to the fridge to bring out the milk. He even remembered the milk!

“So ‘od,” she said with a mouthful, making him laugh.

“Good. Glad you like it.”

“Thank you again for … well … welcoming me home.”

He just shrugged.

“You never remember to buy food.”

She smiled then. He knew her well, sleep prioritised over food when she got home at first. A bad habit admittedly.

They had just started to talk about Bucky’s end of term exams when he shushed her, a serious look on his face.

Before she knew what was happening he had pushed her head into the wall to her right, dodging with her to miss a flying knife.

They both turned to see a man in black, including a balaclava wielding a Pistol Marakova and another knife. Peggy used her own customised blade she kept betwixt her thighs, stabbing him in the neck and knocking him sideways onto her couch. Before she could even react, Bucky had popped the floorboard in the kitchen, throwing her a weapon from the spare arsenal she kept there, and grabbing the two prototype USP’s Stark came out with that she kept taped to the back of her fridge, as well as a large butcher knife she kept in the drawer. He kept his finger to his lips, and they both heard it, the footsteps upstairs. They and he wasn’t alone.

That pissed her off. On the field was one thing, in her home on her goddamn night _off_ was another completely.

They both took their places, her against the wall by the nook, shielded by the corner of the concrete wall, him by the door.

They waited quietly and sure enough the silent predator made his way downstairs, probably wondering where his mate had gone to. Bucky hit him first, a flat palm to the nose. She heard the distinct crack before he knocked him off his feet with a swipe, causing his AK to go off, forcing the couple to take cover to avoid being riddled. Just as they did four more men in masks barrelled down her narrow staircase and it was an all-out gun fight in her little two-up two-down in a dodgy street in Brooklyn. Peggy was well trained and she could take care of herself, but she had to admit, having him there fighting by her side gave her a thrill she wasn’t expecting. He was, without the training she had received, without SHIELD to ship him into shape, having not fired a weapon in almost a decade … he was - she thought back to Zola’s haunting word - though it was nothing if not fitting.

He really _was_ magnificent.

As she snapped the final man’s neck and let him drop on her living room floor, she finally took a breath as Bucky took her stairs two at a time, before she went after him. They cleared out the rooms, but found the attic door open on the ceiling. They had been there, lying in wait.

Both of them winded, the adrenaline coursing through them, it took all her willpower not to jump him there and then. First she had to radio the clean-up crew; the six and a half minutes it took for them to arrive were the longest of her life, and Bucky’s by the looks of him - pacing. She understood the pacing, it was a difficult thing, violence. It induced adrenaline, and there was an instinct in you that was so wholly unfamiliar and felt like home all at once. It was as if your body was itching for release again and again, the only way to truly achieve it though, was to fight your way out of it, or fuck your way out of it. And she knew the option she was aiming for with him.

Three nondescript men in white coats came and within seven more minutes, her home was put to rights. The bodies and the blood soaked carpeting all removed without so much as a hello. Peggy often mocked Stark for his ways, but this was one in which she was utterly impressed.

It left her and Bucky though, standing alone, a little unsure of what to do in the now empty sterile space. Both of them battered, bruised, and bloodied, and it wasn’t until she had shoved him up against the living room door that he finally spoke.

“Oh thank Christ; I thought it was just me,” he said before sucking a hot kiss into her neck, making her squirm.

“No, definitely _not_ just you. Take off your pants–” she gasped without so much a blush, needs must and all that.

She started in on his belt, yanking it hard so the metal made a sound on the now spotless wooden floor. His buttons were next, as he worked on pulling his blue sweater off, and starting roughly on his shirt buttons. Before she could slip off her stockings he had her grabbed tightly by her ass cheeks, pushing her against the wall, pushing her skirt up her thighs – his mouth never once leaving hers.

He ached for her in ways beyond the physical. He needed her then, her body, her mind, her words – just her. The empty pit in his stomach silent as she teased his earlobe between her teeth and he pushed inside of her. Little foreplay was necessary – apparently a good fight got Peggy going as much as it did him - and it was a frighteningly erotic thing to witness, Peggy Carter at her most feral.

Moving inside her, but knowing that she was in full control, did things to him. His spine was tingling as he held her against that wall as she hooked her ankles together and fucked him harder.  Her lips on his neck, at his ear, her small breathless demands as they took to the floor at her insistence, it was all making his head spin. Grabbing her waist, her breasts, her hands, anything he could to anchor himself to the moment, the euphoric feeling of floating so real and dangerous. He hissed in pleasurable pain as she dug her nails into his chest as she rode him, dragging them from nipple to bellybutton with her head thrown back, her eyes shut and those amazing lips caught between her teeth. They came together – a first for them – the adrenaline induced sex was something else entirely and nothing he wanted to forget.

As they pulled apart, sweating and spent, she took in the bullet hole ridden apartment before her and said, “I’m never getting my deposit back from this place,” before she laid down beside him on the hard, unforgiving wooden floor.

“I wouldn’t think so,” he said with a tired smile as she reached up and gently pushed some hair from his eyes.

“You let it get longer,” she commented, touching his hair again, then petting his three day old scruff.

He just shrugged, annoyed at the blush he felt considering what they had just done together.

“Yeah, well you know, I didn’t have anyone to impress so why not.”

She smiled then, sadness in her eyes.

“Oh sweetheart, you do that regardless of what you look like. I’d say it’s in your blood, being a charmer.”

They fell into silence then, neither one willing to make the first move to a more comfortable environment.

“We have a lot to talk about, you and I,” he whispered, pulling her up under his arm, her head automatically going to her spot on his chest, her hand on his belly. He trailed his fingers down her arm softly then when she nodded.

“We do, and we will, we’ll … we’ll sort this out, won’t we?” There was hope in her voice once again, and he liked the sound of it as never before.

They would talk later. They would sort whatever the issues were between them _later_. Later; it was a great time for things you knew you had to do when all you wanted to do was curl up and sleep for the rest of your life.

As it turned out, sleeping one’s life away wasn’t such a hyperbolic statement or an uncommon issue as they would find out. Because, you see, as great as later was for them, it was also a time of great change and surprise.

You see, _later_ , they and the world would find out that the impossible – much like sleeping one’s life away - was, in fact, possible.

On February 4th 1952, Steve Rogers was found by Howard Stark and his crew.

On February 4th, Steve Rogers was found, _alive_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun, dun, duuuun. He's baack! 
> 
> I know this might sound redundant at this stage, but seriously thank you for the love on this, I know Buggy isn't as popular a ship in this fandom as it ought to me (am I right?!) but the love has been v. encouraging! Hit me up here or on Tumblr if you're loving or loathing this, a girl likes to know ;) xo


	11. To … resurrection, I suppose?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy gets new digs, Bucky moves in all officially and what not, and oh yeah, Steve comes back from the dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go get a drink of choice and settle in, the Captain will see you now ;)

By the New Year Peggy was all but moved into her new place. It was across town and in a more upscale part of Brooklyn, or as Howard put it ‘as upscale as Brooklyn got, if you _insist_ on staying there,’ when he offered her his building. After the Hydra attack it was clear she was compromised and needed security, a fact that she had been putting off since she took the job with Stark. But, it wasn’t just her that was at risk, it was Bucky too, and her friends and neighbours. So, she agreed to the new place – one with heightened security – Stark’s own madcap inventions; things she knew would take years – decades even – to reach the open market. Either way, she was sleeping easier in the knowledge that she was little bit more covered. The new place was really two apartments opened up on three floors, gutted five years before for a project Howard never got off the ground and had stood empty until his offer to Peggy to use it for her own space. It had taken some wrangling from Stark and Bucky – teaming up heavens forfend - to convince her.  A large kitchen and living room were on the bottom floor with two rooms and a bathroom on the second, and up top there was a shower room and two more bedrooms. It was a lot, and she was convinced she would never furnish half of it but that the idea of a project excited her too.

By January 10th she had packed and unpacked all her little boxes and moved them to a freshly painted and fully equipped home. It was big, too big really for just her, and while Bucky spent every night there, he still left every day for classes or spent the occasional weekend studying in the dorms. She missed him and with work slowing down for a change she got to be home most nights, and she hated the emptiness of it all. Bucky had a field day though, with the three – not one or two - three, panic rooms. Steel reinforced with weapons galore, she had to admit it was pretty amazing even if Stark’s paranoia was justified now. Her argument was once upon a time; her home had been filled with dainty things like nice linens and pretty drapes. Now, it was sawn off weapons and booby traps.

A girl could have both, was Bucky’s reasoning as they shopped for new furniture that weekend, and she was inclined to agree with him.

She came home from the store late that afternoon, hands full as she was stopped on the stoop by the next door neighbour. Mrs Goldstein, in her eighties and adorably forgetful, but always well put together, having clearly come from money.

“Margaret dear?” she heard from the door, and she let down her bags and jogged down the six steps from her stoop, then walked the short distance to her neighbours door.

“Afternoon Mrs Goldstein. Everything okay?”

“Oh yes dear I just wanted to say … that boy of yours … well that man of yours, really.”

 _Oh god,_ she thought, _what had he said!_ Not that she worried a lot about Bucky but he was more than a little fresh at times, and old ladies either loved his flirting or they took serious, serious offense. Her memory dragged up a time in Manhattan when his flirting backfired and he got whacked with an umbrella for his troubles. He vowed never to help old women into cabs again! Peggy had laughed until they got to their train.

“Oh?”

“He’s just a _sweetheart_.”

She breathed a silent breath of relief.

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yes, he was such a dear. He came in this morning wanting to know if I was in need of anything from the store.  I wasn’t, my niece comes by once a day to see to things, but he did help me with my stairs - there was a loose bit of wood you see. Such a dear, anyway, I just wanted to thank him really but haven’t been steady on my feet so the steps are a no-no.”

Peggy nodded. They were steep in the snow.

“Give him this for me. It’s chocolate.”

And the woman then handed her a pie with a smile, which she gladly accepted and thanked her. As she was leaving she spoke again.

“You know … he is _very_ handsome, dear.”

“I … well I think so, too.”

The old woman’s eyes flitted to her bare left hand, and she knew what was coming. Her only hope was that it wasn’t a religious speech filled with hate for the ‘living in sin’ life they had chosen.

“I wouldn’t make him wait much longer dear, a man like that would have a lot of options.”

For a split second Peggy saw Steve in her mind, telling her about all the girls in their part of Brooklyn who had fallen for him over the years. Seeing how Steve had himself fallen too and never got back up she was inclined to agree with her there too.

“Oh don’t worry I am aware, and he’s aware of _my_ options too.”

The woman actually smiled.

“Well, at least you chose each other, which is more than most can say from my day, dear.”

She nodded. That was a sad state of affairs.

“My first husband was my father’s choice and an old pig he was too. Second time I married for love, though he was a fool and spent my first husband’s money … third time I married for money and love.”  

Ten more minutes of listening to her past loves and Peggy excused herself as there was ice-cream on her stoop and it was in need of a proper ice box. Not that New York in winter didn’t suffice, but by the time Mrs. Goldstein was on husband five, she was over the conversation.

She got inside and the heat hit her, and she was instantly thankful. She found Bucky hammering the last of her photos to the wall of the living room. He had arranged it all pleasingly too.

“My neighbour was telling me to thank you,” she called from the kitchen, putting the bags down and most of the necessary stuff in the fridge.

“Oh, that,” he said, scratching his ear and putting the hammer down.

“You fixed her stairs?”

He nodded, stepping back to admire his handy work before answering.

“Well, I mean you were worried about the neighbours hearing us, and since there’s no one but some trees on our left, I figured I’d check out the right. Turns out Mrs. Goldstein is as deaf as a doorknob, so … we don’t have to worry about her hearing you … or us anymore.”  He spoke with that happy laugh in his voice that she enjoyed so much as he came behind her in the kitchen. He grabbed her by the waist then, pulling her flush against him.

“And you know, if we’re gonna be here awhile it might not just be _us_ we would worry about her hearing…”

Peggy shook her head then, knowing where this was going. Where most conversation had been headed since they went to New Jersey the week before to ‘wet the baby's head’ for Gabe and his wife. Their daughter Mia had come into the world all adorable and chubby and since then Bucky had been broody as hell. They had drunken sex that night to which he assured her if they did ‘make one’ that it would be ever so cute. ‘We’d make a cute one, Carter, trust me on that,’ and that he was more than willing to ‘play mom;’ ‘I kept Steve’s ass alive for a lot longer than most, I can deal with a kid.’ Drunkenly, she had agreed to all those things, as she did most things mid orgasm, and he knew that. Not that she minded really of course, it was sweet, and she was annoyed at how attractive the idea of him as father sounded. But, they both knew for the time being that the job, sadly, came first.

“Is that so?”

“It _is_ so. So…” his lips met her neck, making her smile.

“Nope.”

“No what?” he kissed her again, this time biting a little making her squirm away.

“I have work, and an office to organise upstairs, we can’t…” his warm hands slid under her sweater, and she was so willing to just melt next to him. But no, the housewarming party was in a week and hardly anything was finished. Plus she had an important question to ask him.

“She commented on my empty ring finger,” Peggy said with a moan as he moved his lips to her jaw. He stalled then.

“Is that … something we need to discuss … again?” he asked, threading his fingers with hers.

“No, not even a little bit. I told you, I am happy as we are.”

He cocked a brow then, as if to say ‘you sure?’ She smiled. The last time they had had this conversation was pre-Zola mess, and it was another tipsy one where she complained for an hour about men and how the idea of an ‘honest’ woman was only one with a ring on her finger. He had agreed and reassured her that if that’s what she wanted he was there in a heartbeat, but not to want it just because she thought she ‘should’ to please everyone else. But they were drunk and never spoke of it again.

“I’m mostly happy with how we are, but, and I know this may be redundant, since you know … you are here ninety percent of the time anyway … but will you move in with me?”

He grinned then, but didn’t say anything. She squeezed his fingers in hers.

“You get a shiny new key and everything, and wardrobe space! And … and–”  he kissed her then.

“Sure I will, Carter, sure I will.”

They may have christened the kitchen then and there, thoughts of unpacking long gone in a flit of happiness.  A week later they invited all their friends - old and new - around for dinner, drinks, and reminiscing as well as toasting to their new home. It was a good time in their lives, and unlike so many others that fought wars every day, they got to have a home and loved ones. It was something both of them knew not to take for granted.

Something she hoped they both remembered when February rolled around and she had been home all of three days from a mission in Berlin. A phone call from Stark, a meeting unscheduled, and an empty office building. It all spelled trouble, but at the time she just wasn’t sure of what kind.  Howard never let all the staff go that early unless it was something big, and most likely unsavoury to boot.

If she had had any inkling, what really awaited her was nothing short of a miracle.

                                               *********

 

She came in that evening quietly. It was later than her normal hours but then normal hours for her weren’t really a thing, not anymore. She slipped off her heels and laid down her bag and the small stack of paperwork she had brought back to sign before the morning. She had spent the latter half of the afternoon in the ladies room; sporadic bouts of sobbing overtook her and had to be dealt with without an audience.

He was back, they had found him. Howard, the madcap genius, obsessive bastard that he was had done it.

They had found Steve.

In the ice, preserved like nothing they had ever seen before – and more astoundingly – alive.

Well _technically_ dead. Frozen … incapacitated in all forms. Someway, somehow, serum side-effects or just plain stubbornness, somehow, Steve Rogers was alive.

Her emotions went somewhere between ecstatic, terrified, elated, terrified, overwhelmed, sad, happy, terrified, sobbing, hysterical laughter and terrified yet again. Howard had told her alone in her office and for that she was glad, gladder still that he had the forethought to bring booze.

She had so many questions, too many.

How was he still alive? Was he still Steve? Or was he affected by years of … well … death? Could he move or speak or think for himself? And if he could what did it mean? What was she to do? She was so beyond happy that he was found, that they had brought him home, that soon, she would walk into a room and he would be there.

All of those things made her so happy she could burst.

And then a little bit of her reality set in as she thought of the man sprawled out on their couch, listening or not listening to the wireless, thumbing through his many books he was invested in.

Part of her couldn’t wait to tell him, couldn’t wait for him to come with her to see, to talk to Steve. But another small, but vital part of her was terrified for this reason too. This man, this man whom had been so much of her life up until now made no secret of his love for the other man. Their bond was strong, she was sure of it, but she knew nothing was as strong as the bonds that tied those men together. She wanted to resent them both for it but couldn’t. That wasn’t who she was, and she had for so long respected their love and cherished it even. It had made them, both of them, who they were, and she wouldn’t have changed that for the world. But, that was before. That was when the love was dormant. That was before it became a very real, very alive threat.

Her stomach lurched with bile. She really hated her thought process in those moments; she was ashamed of herself.

“I’m home!” she called from the hall then, attempting to pretend she wasn’t just loitering, lost in thought.

“In here! Oh and I have a surprise!” he responded, and she felt dread once more. I bet mine’s bigger, she thought.

There he was, bare feet tucked up under himself on the couch, a fire blazing away and a drink poured in one of her favourite glasses on her side table. He got up to greet her with a smile before dipping down to kiss her politely.

“Drink?”

“Yes please.” She took it gladly, taking a seat next to him, revelling in his body heat as she all but snuggled next to him.

“Your surprise?”

“Right, well, you know how the board has been asking me for ages to do some talks, you know on the war, politics changing, the climate of now versus just a few years ago and what’s to come?”

“As well as being a Howling Commando out of war, yeah?”

“Yeah, that. Well, I sort of agreed to do it. I mean me and the guys for this one off thing in a few weeks. It’s stupid, mostly. I mean it’s PR really, but it means that I’ll get to finish off the modules I want, and there’s this talk of an honorary thing–” he waved his hand like it was nothing but the pink in his cheeks gave him away. He was proud, he should be proud.

“I’m so proud of you, you know?”

He shrugged.

“It’s no big deal–”

“It’s a very big deal.” She leaned up then and kissed him again, this time lingering just a little longer.

“Does this mean we get to have ‘you’re proud of me’ sex because if so, I’m all for that…” he said, kissing her again with a grin, breaking the mood.

What she wouldn’t give to just put reality on the back-burner and take him up on that offer.

“Uh, no. I think … I … wanted to tell you this today but there was security clearance issues that we had to jump through first and–”

“Are you off on mission again? You just got back, and I thought we said no more out of the country until the summer. You need to take care of yourself, Peg.” He looked so earnest and concerned then, she couldn’t help but smile. But she was smiling through tears.

“Jesus Carter, what’s wrong?”

And she steeled herself, broke out of his grasp to do so, standing up. Blood rushing in her ears, and tears flowing, she told him that Howard, in all his madness, had been looking for Steve since before the war officially ended. That finally, to the shock of everyone, they had found him, and even more shocking still, Steve was alive.

She watched as he reacted slowly, then all at once, blood draining from his face at first, hand to mouth in shock.

Eyes glistening, shock, fear, anger. She hadn’t fully expected the anger.

“How long have you known?”

“Since today–”

“That Howard was looking, that there was a search at all?! How long?” There was an edge to his voice that she wasn’t used to hearing, at least never directed at her.

“I didn’t say anything because what use was false hope for everyone? Bucky–”

“So when I asked you if there was anything else you were keeping from me … THIS wasn’t something you thought I _ought_ to know about? It … it was better than no hope at all! They _found_ him, Peggy!”

He stood then and began to pace, the colour coming back into his face at full speed, this time raging red.

“Where is he now?” he asked, still pacing. “Do you – Have you?”

“He’s at Stark Tower, Howard’s building, and obviously … it’s Howard’s building…” she rambled nervously. “And no, I haven’t. They were still … bringing him around by the time I left, and they assured me it was better I left. Better for me … for us to come by tomorrow, at ten they said to … see him.”

He exhaled loudly then.

“Jesus Christ this is … this is insane. I mean is he even okay?”

She nodded.

“Vitals, heart rate, brain activity, all excellent, or so they tell me. At the time he was still unconscious. It had taken them days to … well … defrost him.”

“Like he’s a damn steak. I swear to God the worst thing he did was let you people get his hands on him worst goddamn thing.”

That stung her then.

“Hey!”

There was beat of silence and it seemed to stretch a lifetime.

“I’m sorry, shit. I … this is a lot to… I just don’t know what to _do_ with this.”

“Me either,” she admitted softly, wanting to reach out for his hand but he was too far away. She could almost physically feel the distance between them already. His eyes were hard and the emotions he was feeling so clearly evident on his face.  He sat down on the chair by the window for half a second before he sprang to his feet again. Anxiety did this to him, she knew what was coming.

“I need to … walk.  I need to think and just … deal with this.”

“Alright…” she answered in a whisper, knowing there was nothing she could do to make him sit with her then.

He ran his hand over his face once and then took another deep breath.

“I … you understand right? I just need to … not … to not …”

“To not be here,” the ‘with me’ went unsaid but they both felt it in the air. “Yes, I understand, James.”

His eyes flickered then, realising he was hurting her, but usually when that happened he would reach out, hug her, reassure her in a number of stupidly unnecessary ways that she loved. This time, however, he just sighed.

“I’ll be back before you go to bed, okay? I just need to straighten this out in my head before I say more shit I don’t mean.”

She just nodded before he slipped into his boots in the hall, and she heard him grab his coat.

The door closed with a small click, and that’s when she dissolved into the tears she had been denying all day.

He wasn’t back before she fell asleep, or when she got up the next morning.

Not that she expected him to be.

********

Bucky had walked around Brooklyn most of the night, bought a half bottle from the corner bar and used it as his heat source and his company as he made tracks around the place he grew up, the place he grew weary, all with Steve by his side in one way or another. He had moved on. It had taken him years to get used to – to Steve not being the first thing he thought of in the morning or the last thing he thought of at night. Years of pretending to have a life only to find out that he actually did have one. He had a pretty fucking great one if he was being honest. He was in school, he was learning and teaching all at once, he felt useful and smart again, he had friends, he had Peggy – a woman he never meant to love but one he did love more than any woman he’d ever set eyes or hands on in his life. They had a relationship. It wasn’t conventional - she wasn’t conventional - and after what the war did to him he doubted he would ever be run of the mill plain old Bucky Barnes again, but he tried his best to be normal, and it worked. He liked his life, but there was always something – someone missing.

Now he was back?

Was he still Steve? What had that shit done to him to keep him alive all that time? And if it did, was it like being strapped to Zola’s table, where he was awake on the inside but couldn’t move on the outside, while they poked and prodded and destroyed him. Was that what it was like for Steve too? Up there, wherever he was, all alone?

                                                           ********

Peggy had spent more time that she cared to admit picking something to wear that morning, frustrated with everything; herself, her job, Bucky, the whole unknown situation spread in front of them. Peggy hated the unknown. She settled on a cream silk blouse and navy skirt, stockings and a low heel, her navy blazer fitting nicely and finishing off her look. If exasperated and exhausted was a look, that is. She got to the tower just before ten and found a rather dramatic scene unfolding in front of her eyes. The usually mundane comings and goings of the Stark building had come to a halt as what seemed like the entire security team surrounded the lobby, people were stopped – staring, open mouthed and shocked. Then, she noticed there was yelling.

Her heart jumped to her throat. It was _him_.

“What the hell is going on here? Why are you people lying to me?”

She managed to push her way though, nodding to Tom – the guard to her left - to clear the rest of the way and as he did, she finally saw Steve. Standing in a t-shirt and cargo pants, bare foot and frightened, like a deer in the headlights.

When he saw her he took a breath, one she wagered he’d been holding as he attempted to work out an escape. She felt the same, as if all air had been knocked from her lungs.

“Peggy? _Peggy_!” his eyes widened and the panic lessened as he made his way rapidly toward her. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes as Tom held up a hand as if to stop him and she shooed him away, allowing Steve to do what he had wanted which was to scoop her up into his arms with a bone crushing hug, his face buried in her neck.

“Thank God, Peggy. You’re the one thing I recognise in this place. Thank God…” he mumbled as she squeezed him back just as hard, not caring who saw their boss getting cuddled in the lobby.

“Let me look at you,” she said, pulling back, the tears well and truly falling now. “Are you–”

“I’m okay … a bit confused … and a little hungry, but mostly okay. They wouldn’t tell me anything, then there was a guy with a needle when I wouldn’t calm down so I uh…”

“You punched him, didn’t you?” Peggy asked with a laugh, registering that the lobby was returning to normal, heels on the tiles clicking away, the commotion over with for now.

“I’ll apologise. I just … Peggy what the _hell_ is going on?”

She sighed then. It was more than a public chat would cover, but she noted that neither of them seemed willing to let go of the other.

“I’ll explain everything, I will. I just want to make sure you’re okay, Steve–”

Before she could continue he had her face cupped in one hand, his lips on hers, kissing her so softly it was as if he was scared to spook her, or himself, and she couldn’t stop herself from kissing him back. It was all she wanted with him since the war; to have him safe and warm in her arms again, but the reality that was never going to happen was being smashed wide open with the real reality of him holding her ... it was all a little much to process. He gripped her arm and she gripped the collar of his t-shirt, both of them losing themselves if only for a moment before the other reality of where they were, of who she was now, who he still was and of the other love of her life … their life ... it all added up to her hastily pulling away.

“I’m sorry…” he said softly, his fingers still touching her chin, eyes never leaving hers as he sighed, stepping back. “I’ve just wanted to do that again for a … how long has it been Peggy?” There was fear in his blue eyes then, the light and lust of seeing her again fading and genuine fear taking its place. “I know it hasn’t just been a minute or two…” he pointed it out by touching her hair, now much longer than it was when she had seen him last.

She blinked the tears from her eyes before she could speak.

“No. No, Steve it hasn’t.”

He nodded, forcing himself to take a large breath.

“Come with me. We’ll get you something to eat, and a little privacy might be nice,” she said, nodding to their location before taking his hand in hers and leading him to the elevators. There was a lot to talk about that’s for damn sure.

                                               *******

Twenty minutes and retrieving his medical file later, they were seated at the table in her office, blinds drawn, a platter of assorted sandwiches and some tea in front of them, both seated as closely as the chairs would allow. Steve was in a state of stunned silence since he had found out the year, and just how long he had been MIA.

“Your tea is getting cold,” she said with softness to her voice that she rarely used in that office. He picked up the small cup in his large hands and took a sip.

“So much must have changed. You–”

“I got a decade older, we all did.” He still looked the exact same, right down to his hair. She felt her heart twinge.

“I missed a lot…” he said softly, looking at his feet.

“We … we were never sure Stark would be successful. I mean I wanted him to succeed, you have no idea, but it just all seemed so hopeless.”

He took her hand then, squeezing it reassuringly.

“Peggy, it’s okay. Realistically, I _was_ dead.” He did that thing he did when he was sad, the half-smile that never really reached his eyes.

“You must have someone now, surely?” he said, rubbing onto her left ring finger as they held hands, more to comfort each other than anything. “You’re not married?” He looked surprised then, most people were, but then again most people didn’t really know who she was now.

The men weren’t the only ones that came away from a war changed.

She took a breath and pulled away from him, wondering, worrying, how he would react.

“There is someone.”

Steve smiled then, taking a bite of his fifth sandwich.

“He’s a lucky duck whoever he–”

“It’s Bucky.”

She closed her eyes, facing the window as she heard him attempt to stop a choke on his wrongly swallowed food.

“Bucky … Barnes?” When she faced him his read confusion at first, a little red from swallowing wrong but then realisation. “But … I mean _no_ ,” he shook his head and swallowed hard. “No that’s … that’s... great Peggy.” Again he attempted that smile, and failed.

_God, he was still an awful liar._

“Steve–”

“No, really. I mean it’s sorta perfect right? He was my … my … and you were my … and wow I think I maybe just stood up too fast.” He righted his stance by holding on, white knuckled, to the table. “It’s … I mean you two … we figured you didn’t like him much back then I mean.”

“I liked him just fine, it’s just that–”

“No, of course. I mean … a lot changes in a decade. People grow up and change and … and fall in love with other people. He’s …” he took his seat again then, still gripping the table. He swallowed hard before he spoke again. “He’s the best guy I know. I hope he’s been good to you.”

She was crying then, for their truth, and for the struggle she was witnessing Steve go through right before her eyes.

“Very much so.”

“God…” he got up and walked to her. “Peggy do … are there … do you have kids?”

She shook her head no, and if he didn’t mean for her to see his sigh of relief, he failed.

She tackled him then, into a hug so hard she was sure she did herself some damage. He hugged her back just as tight.

“I _know_ , Steve,” she whispered after a long emotional moment between them both. He broke away, confusion and fear on his face again, but she could only touch his cheek in comfort. She hated to see him in pain.

“K-know what?”

She raised her brow, and he got it.

“He told you?”

“He did, though it was a little obvious to me even back then, I just was never really that sure.”

‘Oh’ – he mouthed to himself silently. “Peggy, I never lied to you about how I – how I felt about you, honest to God.”

“I believe you.”

“Please … do. I … you deserved better than me then and now, and maybe you have it with Bucky because … hey at least he’s not a liar right, but I … what I feel- felt for you was- is … was … God, I don’t know what I’m talking about. But just know–”

“Steve, breathe,” she insisted, sitting down next to him again, grabbing his now clammy hands in hers. “I know you weren’t lying about how you felt about me, but I also know that you two have some very complicated history and a love that I have no part of, also.”

If she didn’t know better she was sure he was on the verge of an asthma attack.

“I can’t believe he told you. He must … he must really love you.” His earnest gaze fixed upon her then, and she found it hard to hold. “I mean, I know how easy it is to love you, so… ” He shrugged so casually that it made her blush.

“What um, what happens now? I mean had I known I wouldn’t have kissed you like I did downstairs. I … well that’s a lie, I really wanted to do that, like that, for a really, really long time. Mostly since I met you and saw you knock Hodge’s dumb ass to the ground in one swoop – that was amazing by the way. I mean you’re amazing really, and now you’re here and you’re the boss which is completely how it should be because you’re bossy – not bossy, no that’s wrong, but you have you know the authority and I mean–”

“Steve!”

He took a breath and so did she. It was nice to see that while the world moved on, Steve Rogers still knew nothing of how to talk to women.

“Sorry, I’m really nervous right now. I’m sweating so much it’s kind of disgusting, actually.

She shook her head at his rambling. Adorable and silly as it was, she understood how he felt; as she was regretting the silk blouse choice herself for perspiration reasons.

“I don’t know what happens now. Everything between you and me and you and him and he and I … Christ … it’s so complicated,” she admitted with a laugh because it all sounded so absurd.

He nodded, the redness fading from his face slightly as he finished the last of his tea.

“God, I wish I could get drunk right now. I’d get so drunk.”

He might not have been able to, but she could. She walked over to her side table that functioned as a drinks area; water, apple juice, and whiskey, there was rum somewhere too but she was sure Howard nabbed that. She half contemplated hacking his office for the really good stuff, but then that would mean leaving Steve and also having a conversation with Howard, which at that moment was a firm no. Instead she fixed them two very large, mixer-free drinks and just about managed to remember a toast.

“To … resurrection, I suppose?”

He nodded and clinked glasses before smiling and taking a healthy gulp.

“Steve, you … and I … but you, right now, you need to talk to him.”

“I figured he’d have shown up before now.” He was unashamedly disappointed in that fact, as was she. Peggy had thought he would have swallowed his pride before night fall at least, but it just wasn’t happening. She then mentioned Bucky’s reaction when she had finally told him – as well as her regret at leaving it so late in the game - but confessing her reasoning for that also. As ever, Steve seemed to understand instantly.

“You didn’t want to get his hopes up, I understand that. I also know how damn stubborn he can be, particularly when it comes to secrets. He … he hated that we … that we had to be a secret. Hated it, and it weighed on him. He just doesn’t do well being lied to, or lying in general. I mean, hell, I’m terrible I know, but he’s almost as bad. I figure it had to do with them nuns that taught us. The fear of God was quite literally beat into you at times, and that isn’t a thing you forget.” He smiled then. “But him acting that way, running? He walks, or he used to, to clear his head, walked more than any guy I knew and still was never as skinny as me. But then you know this … hell you’ve been with him a long time, you know him probably better than I do now.” She ignored the panic that laced his tone at the last part of his sentence. She knew how terrifying it was, the idea of losing Bucky.  She felt it herself, had felt it every minute since Howard told her of his search, and since finding out that Steve was very much alive it was something that was eating her alive.

“We’ll work it out, Steve. Somehow, I’m not sure how, but we will.”

“Together?”

He looked hopeful then, and it ignited something in her. She wanted so badly for that hope to stay and not diminish, but still being so unsure of how the hell life was ever meant to be normal now, she found it hard to meet his.

“Of course.”

She didn’t recognise the sound of her own voice, but she wanted to as much as she wanted to believe that whatever this was, that it could have a simple and satisfying resolution.

But the world rarely worked like that.

Instead she focused on the now, bedding down beside him on her oversized couch, both of them just talking and drinking the night away. He had a lot to catch up on. Some she told him, some things could wait. She enjoyed informing Steve of what SHIELD was, what they wanted it to be, that the other Commandos had finally come on board under her and were relishing their missions like it was still World War Two. That the world had changed, some for better, some for much worse, but as always they took it one bit at a time, fighting a never ending battle for the people that couldn’t fight for themselves. She got a little drunk, not as much as she’d have like considering her reality; the reality that the now two men in her life were still so very much in love with each other. She steeled herself for the blow, the one she knew had been coming since Bucky once confessed his feelings for the man they both loved. If they ever got him back, in whatever fantasyland that it ever happened, she knew one thing to be true…

She was going to lose both Bucky and Steve, to each other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, angsty right? They all think they're going to lose the other TO each other! Eek. I have some of the next chapter already done (major Stucky reunion!!) but if you liked this let me know! The feedback has been amaze! xo


	12. Cuppa Tea?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's back and with him come some hard choices, tough conversations, and heartbreaking realisations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Loves, here's the Stucky reunion you've been waiting for (I hope!). Tough decisions and proof that some things don't change, they just get put on ice for a while.

He remembered the cold. Nothing else beyond the bone chilling cold. He was stuck, he knew that. The impact didn’t kill him outright, but it did kill him.

Or at least, it _should_ have.

Beyond the cold, all he remembers then is the breeze floating through the windows in a room where he woke up. He was fully dressed, even had his boots on.

Not his boots, not his uniform, but civvies, and he felt warm. He remembered opening his eyes and the world being there again, bright and unforgiving.

He had no idea where he was.

Suddenly there was a woman, but she was lying to him, she had a tell, she was rubbing her ring fingernail against her thumb as she spoke, she was lying.

Something felt wrong.

He shouldn’t be alive, awake, _here_. The enemy got him, was his first thought. He pushed past the woman only to be met by a man with a needle; he punched him when he got too close and made for the stairs. Agents. Men, a few women, all with guns, made a run for him but he was faster, stronger and still very confused.

But then there she was. Just standing in the crowd of people in dark suits, standing out like a candle in the darkness. She looked different, her hair was softer somehow, longer, and there were little bits of blonde in there catching the light. She wasn’t like that before… _before_ … he still had no idea how long he had been wherever it was he went.

Instead he did the one thing that felt real, that somehow grounded him to this new reality and he thought for a split second, just a second, maybe this was heaven? A very strange heaven, but a good one if she’s there. He kissed her, kissed her with all the passion and want and need he felt for her, all those times he wanted to kiss her and couldn’t were poured into that one kiss that made his toes tingle.

Then he found out the truth, that no, it wasn’t a sort of heaven but really a sort of hell.

The world had moved on without him.

She, they, had moved on without him.

When she told him about her and Bucky, he felt as if his heart snapped in two. The idea that these two people, his two people… At first it hurt, because he was selfish and shocked. But then the second’s hesitation made way to common sense. Bucky was alive, and loved. And of course they had found each other, of course they grew to leave each other, how could they not? He had loved them both, he knew how it happened.  But it had been almost ten years, surely there were kids and a life in place where he didn’t fit at all, never mind where he had once felt so at home? But then he learned that no, there were no kids or weddings, or anything traditional at all. He realised then, traditional was never something either of his loves was ever cut out to be, least of all Peggy. He hated that he felt relief in the knowledge that there were no kids, but for a selfish moment he also realised he wanted time with them himself to … to do what he wasn’t sure, but just to be was enough in the moment.

After all shocking realisations, they settled down together, her office quiet and warm, the couch so big and comfortable, and with her sitting next to him, holding his hand in hers, the anxiety he felt since he opened his eyes slowly began to dissipate. So much so that listening to the soft lull of her voice recalling missions and stories of the past many years, he found his eyes fell shut and he must have drifted off to sleep next to her. He woke up with the sun, his arms wrapped around her front, spooning her from behind on her oversized tan leather couch, both of them fully dressed but shoeless. She was so warm and soft and she smelled so amazing that all he wanted to do was to bury his nose in her neck and drift back into that safe sleep again, but he couldn’t. He had too many questions and not enough answers, and he wanted them there and then. Instead, he stirred and she gripped his hand on her stomach.

“We fell asleep,” she said, groggy and quiet, and suddenly he yearned for the decade worth of mornings he could have woken up with her like that. His heart hurt before he attempted to push it down.

“We did. Won’t Bucky … I mean won’t he be worried?”

She sat up then, her hand smoothing down her hair self-consciously.

“No, I … no. He wasn’t home when I left this morning and he hasn’t called so … I don’t much know what he might be thinking right now.” She shrugged, standing to fix her skirt and stockings.

Steve sighed. Of course he took the news wrong, of course he panicked. Neither of them dealt very well with life changes, least of all huge ones. He recalled his own idiotic panicked reaction when Bucky informed Steve that he’d been drafted to war. He’d ran from Bucky then. Physically not far because well, how could he? But he closed himself off and made excuses, kept his distance. He couldn’t believe Bucky was pulling the same shit with Peggy over him now.

“He’s…”

“Not great with change, I know.” She smiled then, offering him her hand and pulling him up.

“I’ll order us some breakfast and we’ll take you back down to the medical bay. I want them to give you the once over, and then we’ll meet with Stark, discuss anything you need? We can have you set up in a SHIELD safe house temporarily, or if you’d prefer to stay here, there is–” her phone rang then, and she bent to answer it as he found his shoes. It was Stark.

“Scratch that, Stark has breakfast for us in his office, shall we?” she said with a smile, checking her makeup in the compact mirror on her desk. He couldn’t help but think she looked perfect, even with a cushion crease on her cheek. They took the elevator together, ignoring the long looks from the other workers in the building as they got to the top floor. Howard’s office WAS the entire top floor, which Steve thought was rather over compensating. But the man greeted him with a huge smile and a warm hug. A hug from Howard- I-Don’t-Like-To-Be-Touched Stark was a rare thing, according to Peggy. They sat down to what looked like a mountain of food that for a second he questioned how there could be so much, but then he remembered, there was no war, there was no depression, they weren’t in a shack in Brooklyn or in freezing tents in Italy. They were at the plush centre of Stark Enterprises, and that meant the best of the best. There was a lot of talk from Stark, a lot of talk at a great speed – he spied the large pot of coffee half empty and blamed that, but it was nice, it drowned out his own thoughts and worries for a time at least. There was talk of press, and Washington and a sit down tell all – what he had to tell was beyond him. He took a decade long nap, so far as anything else he was still reeling. Peggy seemed to sense this and managed to anchor Howard’s fantastical notions enough that it gave him a week before they had to announce it to the world.

A week to find his feet sounded easier said than done.

He noticed Peggy was distracted, a far off look in her eye, a worried look that he recognised.

And Bucky still hadn’t called her.

After they ate, and ate some more in Steve’s case, she escorted him to the medic bay where she overlooked his files again before the doc took more blood, his blood pressure and his heart rate. Everything was shockingly normal, for him anyway. The doctors were baffled, but Peggy was beyond pleased. After everything was given the all clear once more, they took the elevator to a different floor and into a room that looked like a cell, small and with a small window, but it had a bed and wardrobe.

“I had them bring in your things; they left them here this morning,” she said as she opened the double doors to take out his dress uniform and what he knew to be new sweaters and pants. They weren’t his things, at least not most of them. “I think you should go see him,” she blurted out, not facing him. Instead she was pretending to root through for something unknown.

“Peggy–”

“You should,” she spoke again, this time with more resolve. “I think it would … I think it needs to happen sooner rather than later, Steve. He won’t come here, or if he does it’ll be odd… too clinical here and he hates this place–” She pursed her lips. There was a story behind that comment, he was sure of it.

“You should just go see him, talk … do whatever you need to do.”

Her voice sounded foreign to him then, forced. And he wasn’t so naïve as to not hear what she was really saying. His heart ached, physically it ached, and he hated that feeling. Trying to push it down he grabbed her busy hands, stopped her from folding sweaters onto the bed and enveloped her into a hug. She clung as hard as he did, and he definitely heard him sniffle.

“I can stay and we can go see him together?” He tried to smile, to coax one from her, but the one he got was sad.

“No, no … you should have time … to…” she sighed then, shaking her head. “And besides, I have work here so I can’t. If he’s not at the house he’s at his dorm.” They had discussed Bucky going back to school and he was beyond proud of that. “But it’s unlikely, it’s more likely that–”

“He’s brooding.”

She laughed then, stepping back.

“Yes, so go and snap him out of it for me?”

With that she handed him a card with her name and address and a telephone number on it. It was in Brooklyn. They lived in Brooklyn, a nicer part, for sure, but still. He smiled.

“Go see him, do … what you gotta do.”

Before she stepped out of the room he called her back.

“Will I … see you later?”

She smiled then.

“Count on it.”

                                                                       *******

 

There was a soft knock on the front door just after seven. He had spent most of the day moping and contemplating drinking, but never really getting around to it. He slept, mostly. At least in sleep his problems faded.

“Jesus Christ,” Bucky let slip, taking in the sight before him after he opened the door. Steve stood there, in his full dress uniform, hat in hand and everything, a soft wistful smile to boot.

Bucky’s heart clenched.

“Nah, still just me. Though we do have that whole rising from the dead thing in common, which is nifty I guess.” He bounced back on his heels a little as he spoke, reminding Bucky of the kid he first met so long ago. “Can I come in at least?” Steve asked with a smile after few seconds or so of an accidental staring contest.

“Yes, I … of course.” He moved out of the way and let Steve pass, the air getting knocked out of his lungs at the realisation that it was real. He was real and he was standing right there. It was as if Bucky could feel the blood pumping in his veins, like white hot fire. He clenched and unclenched his fists, resisting the urge to just reach out and touch the man he missed so dearly.

“This place is nice, nicer than we were used to before right?” Steve commented innocently, looking around at the home – and it was a home, that he shared with Peggy. Bucky felt himself grow embarrassed at the realisation.

“How’d you –“

“Peggy told me you’d probably be here, we figured it would be best to … well for me to come talk to you, since you seemed to not want to be there when I–”

“I wanted to be there.” He wanted to reach out and hug Steve, hug him and never let him go ever again. But he couldn’t, things were too complicated now. He didn’t know where he stood. “I wanted to but … I mean I was–”

“You were?”

“I was but then there was the whole thing with you and Carter – Peggy…”

“You still call her Carter?” he asked, amused, still looking around the living room, no doubt at the photos on the wall. Scratching the back of his neck with nerves, Bucky just shrugged.

“Wait, if you were there then – oh. Bucky when I saw her I just–”

Steve’s ears were red, and that provided Bucky with an odd sense of comfort. At least he wasn’t the only one who was nervous.

“I didn’t know that you and she–”

“Hey, no look its fine. It’s, you know … she’s her own woman before anything else, you know? She can do whatever she wants, always has … I mean she just … Fuck, why is this awkward?” He was starting to sweat.

“I don’t know,” Steve answered with a smile, taking a step closer to his friend. “It’s okay, you know? Everything that you’re worrying about right now? It’s all gonna be okay.”

He wished he believed his friend, he really did.

“You say that now, but–”

“But nothing, Buck. Come on, I’ve been given a second chance here, we all have.”

And that set his panic buttons off at warp speed.

“No, you don’t get to be okay with this, Steve.”

“And why not?”

“Why not– Seriously?” Bucky snapped. The other man seemed unaffected as he just shrugged.

“Because I … we were together, Steve. Like, together, together. I wasn’t just makin’ time with her–”

Steve nodded before saying, “She told me,” but it went unnoticed.

“I love her. I went after the woman you loved and I got to love her while you … while you–”

“Buck, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!” He knew a panicked Bucky and he was standing right in front of him, turning red.

“I’m glad you loved her, and I’m glad she loved you. God knows you need as much of it as you can get.”

Furrowed brows met relaxed ones.

“So you want me to get mad is that it? Mad that my best girl and my best … you … found comfort and a life with each other? That you won her heart and she won yours and she knocked some sense into you? I’m meant to be mad at how you both chose to survive?”

“YES!”

“Why? What would it solve? You want me to get pissed and hit you or something? That’s never gonna happen.”

Steve could see his friend crumbling before him, breath heavy and laboured, and he had to do something, so he reached out and put his cold hand on Bucky’s warm face, forcing him to look at him, revelling in the familiar heat of his skin.

“Hey … you with me?”

His friend just nodded before putting his own hands on Steve’s chest, gently, as if he was afraid if he pushed too much he would disappear.

“I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I know, me either,” he laughed, trying to lighten the mood but failing.

“I … I’m sorry.”

“For what? And don’t say Peggy. We know damn well she doesn’t do anything - or anyone - she doesn’t want to.”

Bucky shook his head. The irony of the Tennessee Waltz playing on the wireless was not lost on him. He blocked it out.

“That I … that I gave up on you, I never meant to–”

“Hey… _hey_ …” Steve grabbed his face again, this time pulling him in for a hug. The brunette hugged him hard and close, a sob escaping his lips. “It’s okay … I’m here now.”

“You are here. You’re _actually_ here.” He felt his friend squeeze tighter, and he reciprocated because he knew what Bucky was feeling.

“I love you, Steve,” he whispered into his shoulder before pulling back and wiping his reddened eyes. “I s-swore to myself if God ever let me see you again that’s what I’d say. I’d say it out loud and mean it. And I do mean it. I love you. I’ve loved you since I can remember knowing what the word meant.”

They both embraced the other again, holding onto each other, their faces buried in the others neck, just being there, allowing it to sink in, breathing in the presence of the other. It had been so long. Too long.

Steve wanted to reciprocate, and he would, but his mouth had other ideas. It landed on Bucky’s harshly, but melted into a needy kiss as they both grasped at the other like drowning men to a life raft, and that, honestly, was how it felt. It would be Steve’s turn this time to let a sob escape, a sob that turned moan as he felt Bucky’s nails on the back of his neck, threading up into his hair.

“I missed you so goddamn much, Steve. So goddamn much.”

“I … missed you too, even though for me I just saw you yesterday,” he said, his laugh shy.

That in itself had to be a mind-fucking experience. Close your eyes and blink, suddenly it’s almost a decade later and the world, your world, is turned upside down.

Bucky reached out, feeling the softness of Steve’s short hair against his hands, knowing him better than he knew himself in some ways. He knew to scrape just a little into his scalp, and like a cat Steve keened into his touch. He felt a little part of him relax. His head felt like this was all a dream and any minute he was going to wake up.

But he didn’t, and it wasn’t. So he went in for another kiss, this time softer.

Steve ended the kiss, pulling back, eyes wide, pupils blown, that familiar pink tint to his cheeks, searching Bucky's face for something. Permission, maybe? Whatever it was, he got it because he dipped down to kiss him again.Steve took control, using his hands, gripping Bucky’s chin confidently as they kissed, slightly angling his head as he kissed and licked along his stubble filled jawline to his neck, up gently to the sensitive patch by his ear and back to his mouth. Bucky loved Steve’s mouth as much as everything else. It got him into so much trouble no matter how he chose to use it.

He rolled onto his back on the couch and pulled Steve down to him, slow and gentle, giving himself a moment to savour the anticipation of it. When he could feel Steve's breath against his wet lips he tilted his chin, pressing his lips against Steve's bottom lip. He kissed Steve slowly, pulling him closer only by a millimetre and leaned back against the pillows to make Steve press into him more.

Something primal flipped with Bucky then. It was as if he was on autopilot. Nothing else mattered but the man in front of him, nothing. And so when he reached for Steve’s tie, yanking it down to open it and pull it off his shirt, when he hastily unbuttoned the precision perfectly ironed shirt, when he pushed Steve against the couch and straddled him, nothing else mattered.

And it should have.

_She should have._

He hadn’t so much as looked at another person seriously in that way since committing to Peggy despite who he knew was looking at him, people like Jack.  He loved her so much, but he also loved Steve and in that moment and the ones that followed, he wasn’t thinking straight, he was thinking with his dick and the emotionally wrung out part of his brain that never in a million years imagined he would feel Steve under his fingertips again.

His brain was just chanting how badly he needed Steve. It wasn’t a want any longer, it was a need, and it seemed Steve was more than willing to meet his needs, and then some.

By some miracle they made it off the couch, and up the stairs, pressed against the wall outside the main bedroom. An attack of conscience hit Bucky just long enough to say ‘no’ to the location at the very least. He couldn’t, not in the room he shared with Peggy, not in their bed. No matter how badly he needed Steve in those moments, there were some lines even his lust addled brain seemingly wouldn’t cross.

Instead, he directed them to the smaller guest room, It was smaller bed, but enough. They had had each other in much more cramped spaces than that.

Shirts, pants, boots, socks, everything between them discarded haphazardly allowed them to collapse into a heap on the bed. Kissing and rutting, pushing, pulling, biting, licking their way back to a too-hot summer in Brooklyn where they did this for the very first time as two confused but stubborn boys with dangerous hearts.

“I love you, Bucky, you know that right? I love you, have loved you since–”

He knew, he always knew, they never said it like that, never those words but other words. _‘Be careful, come back,’ ‘please stop getting into fights, least when I’m not around,’ ‘sit down I’ll patch up that war wound’ ‘you take the extra blanket, I’m not that cold .’_ They loved each other, but never with those three words.

Before, they weren’t allowed.

Now, well, death had a way of putting things into perspective.

Steve bestrode his hips, pressing and rutting hard against Bucky, drawing a long moan from him. He grabbed at Bucky’s hips and rocked against him, pulling him tight to keep the contact as close as they could. Foreheads together, lips apart and panting, each feeling as if their skin was on fire and they wanted to dance around in the flame. Bucky kissed him back until all they could do was pull back, lungs burning for air. Steve let out a small growl into the nook of Bucky’s neck, before licking him from neck to earlobe, causing the brunette to moan loudly, his fingers gripping into the blonde’s back.

“Tell me what you want,” Steve said all low and rough and so familiar that it sent a shiver through Bucky’s body, and he was powerless to stop it. He felt, where Steve was concerned, that he would always be a little powerless. He would do anything Steve asked, anything.

“You – I … need … I need _you_ , please.”

They looked each other in the eyes then, a slow nod came from Steve who then worked his way down Bucky’s body, kissing, licking and nipping his way until the next sensation Bucky was vividly aware of was slick fingers probing, working him open, and then a hot, wet mouth causing him to grasp onto the sheets, to curse so loudly Jesus wept, and to see nothing but stars behind his eyes as Steve worked him open with his mouth and to a state of painful hardness with his free hand. He wished he had slick, anything, anything at all to ease what was sure to be a slightly painful but addictive experience. Opened up and worked over by Steve’s mouth was one thing, but it had been a very long time – regardless that they’d done more with less before.

Steve looked down at where his dick was pressed against Bucky’s writhing body and then looked back up to Bucky’s face. Steve let out a huff of a breath, leaned over him and kissed up his neck to his chin before finally reaching his lips. He rolled his hips and Bucky broke the kiss to gasp and he looked surprised and blissed out so completely as he rode into him deep and slow.

He started thrusting, gentle at first, then a little harder each time, sweat bubbling as they found that familiar pacing from so long ago. It didn’t take long, not with Bucky taking himself in hand, stroking hard and fast with one slick hand, the other touching Steve wherever possible as Steve buried his face in his neck, thrusting erratically. Want, need, desire, pain, pleasure, it was everything, and it was Bucky who was basically the same thing to Steve, his pain and his pleasure.

Thrusting against him once, twice, and then Steve was pulsing thick between their bodies, panting Bucky's name into his ear, and Bucky was close, God, so close.

Steve pulled back and Bucky reached down, but Steve's hand was there first, wrapped around him carefully but confidently. In a few short strokes Bucky arched back, eyes rammed shut, lips firmly and sexily between his teeth as he came over Steve's hand and his own stomach, desperately trying to catch his breath.

“You’re perfect,” Steve said with a happy, blissed out smile that the world never got to see. It was his.

“I’m not,” he swallowed, catching his breath. “I’m awful. I … Fuck.” Reality sunk in as the lust haze that had fogged up his brain started to clear. “I fucked up.”

“Kinda the point of that … beautifully the point,” Steve added with a kiss to his temple as they laid side by side.

Bucky looked at him then, the only man he ever loved his whole life, perfect, not a having aged a day from the last time he saw him. His heart ached all over again.

“Peggy. I … fuck.” He found the strength to get out of the bed and stood on wobbly legs, finding his shirt to wipe himself down, in lieu of a towel.

“Peggy’s a smart woman, Buck, she–”

“No, okay? Don’t logic me out of this. We’re wrong for this Steve, so fucking wrong. She’s a good woman, the best … the only…” He was pacing. Steve knew that wasn’t a good sign. Pacing naked while a distraction still meant his mind was in hyper overdrive.

“I love that girl, Steve. She’s loved me too, in her own way. We’ve had a life and I fucked that all away just now. I … didn’t even think, and that’s what terrifies me. It’s you, so of course I want you, I love you. I need you just like I need her … but I fucked up.”

“Bucky–” Steve got to his feet then, hunting for his underwear, feeling more than a little heavy hearted for everything. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have … maybe we should just–” He was lost, he wasn’t sure what to do. He had just been so excited that Bucky still loved him that things got way out of hand. They had a habit of that when together, he realised. Reality rarely got a look in.

“Steve, I’m sorry, I am. I love you. Jesus, you know how I love you?” he said, grabbing Steve’s face, a pained look on his own. “I just can’t do this to her, hell, I’ve already done it to her, haven’t I? My mother used to talk about fellas who messed around on their women, with other women it was bad enough, but with you? Who she loved too? Steve, in almost ten years, I haven’t so much as looked at anyone but her, not seriously. Never really, once or twice to make her jealous sure, but in all that time I loved only her.” He stood again, pacing, Steve didn’t want to look close enough to see if there were tears in his eyes. “I’m fucked in the head is what I am, I knew there was something – something wrong with me since–”

“Oh good Lord, Barnes, I can hear your nervous breakdown from the front steps.”

They both looked up from where they sat on the edge of the thoroughly fucked in bed. Bucky shot up first, standing with his mouth agape. Steve wanted to be back in the ice in that moment in time.

Fuck.

“Peggy, I can explain.”

“Peggy–” Steve began, and then stopped when he realised he had no real idea of what to say. She cocked a brow at that, a slight smile on her lips.

“Firstly though, are you armed?” he asked, his hands subconsciously covering his dick.

She just rolled her eyes before staring at the both of them for the longest minute of their lives.

“I think we need to have a long overdue conversation, don’t you? And I’m parched, cuppa tea?” With that she turned on her heel and marched herself down the stairs, leaving them both looking at the other confused as all hell.

“I … should go, shouldn’t I?” Steve offered, but Bucky wasn’t sure one way or the other what they were meant to do in a situation like this.

“I don’t know? I mean … maybe? I don’t know…”

Steve was dressing quickly, as was Bucky, yanking on the clothes as quickly as they had come off.

“If you need me to stay I’ll stay, or if it needs to be something between you both I’ll go. I’ll come back, or … anything if you need me, I’ll be at Stark tower either way, okay?”

Bucky nodded before Steve cupped his face.

Bucky’s heart felt physically heavy, but he nodded and smiled. He had wanted for so long for this to be what it was like between them, and now that it was, it was still wrong – but for other reasons than before.

“Go, I’ll deal with whatever she throws at me, but if she kills me I want to be cremated.”

Steve smiled, kissing him once on the forehead before grabbing his shoes.

“She won’t kill you, she loves you too much. Trust me, I know what that’s like.”

                                               ****

When he walked into the kitchen he saw her standing by the window, the kettle on the boil, starting to steam. She seemed lost in thought but he knew her reflexes now and knew that she saw and heard every move before he even entered the room.

“Steve left then,” was all she said, moving to switch off the stove.

“Yeah he’s … well rightfully terrified of you.”

That made her smile, her eyes remained sad though and he fucking hated himself for making that the reality of this conversation.

“I feel rather proud of that, which is probably the wrong reaction, but eliciting fear in super powerful men – literally in this case – has always been a pastime of mine.”

“Peggy, I’m sorry–”

“Don’t okay? Please. I don’t need to hear you lie to me, Barnes. You’ve not made a habit of it in our time together, and you’re awful at it to boot, so please.”

She didn’t make the tea, instead she took a seat at the nook, and he took over and made the tea as she sat silently. He left her cup in front of her, and took a seat opposite.

“I just … I knew that it was a part of who you are and I accepted that. I … I just never really thought it was something you needed.”

He was lost.

“What?”

“Men. I mean, sex with men. Sex with men who aren’t me and have things I don’t – or rather one thing I don’t … and maybe I thought about it sometimes that maybe it was something you missed but I never allowed myself down that path and I–”

“Peggy–”

“No, it’s stupid of me, really. It just doesn’t go dormant because you’re with a woman, I should have known that. I just have to know – I’ve trusted you completely, you know that right? I just need to ask–”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, there have been no men … or women. No one, not since you and me and honestly not even since before you and me. I mean there was Jack, but he was the one that kissed me, once, and I didn’t kiss him back because I didn’t want to, I wanted you.”

That was a story for another time. She sighed then, seemingly breathing again.

“You know I’m not angry, I’m not. I’m oddly fine, though a little relieved you didn’t fuck him in our bed, is that a strange thing to admit?”

He cringed physically. He was the world’s biggest asshole.

“He and I talked you know, before he came here today – last night – most of the night really. And I … sent him here. I sent him here knowing what would happen. I knew, and I sent him to see you anyway.” She took a deep breath. “Because he loves you … and you have always–” her voice broke and it broke him, he all but lunged beside her and got down on one knee, making her look him in the eye from where she sat.

“Peggy, I’m so sorry, I am. The last thing I want is to hurt you. The last thing Steve would ever want is to hurt you. He loves you, too. I mean it’s fucked isn’t it? It’s all entirely absolutely fucked but it’s the truth.”

She wiped a tear then, taking another deep breath.

“That’s the bloody problem. I knew when you two saw each other again, got time alone, that there would be nothing – past, present or future - that would stop you from being together now. And laying all my cards on the table here James, it fucking terrified me because I’m powerless here, and I hate that feeling.”

She hugged him then, their heights matching as she sat on the chair and he stood on his knees, reaching for her and enveloping her in his arms.

“You are not powerless. That is a word that never has and never will ever apply to you, Carter.”

She pulled back, rolling her eyes.

“Peg, I love you. I’ve loved you and I know you’ve loved me, and what we’ve had has been the best years of my life.”

He meant that, every damn word.

“But…?” she added, tucking some of his hair behind his ear. “Then there’s Steve, and those feelings don’t just die. They didn’t when we thought he was gone, and now…”

Bucky remained silent, unsure of what came next. It wasn’t like there was a road map for this sort of thing.

“We talked, he and I, and he told me that he loved me, or was at least falling in love with me before that plane fell from the sky. He told me he was confused then and even more so now, if possible. He also told me that he had loved you since he was twelve and knew what it meant – even if he was going to hell for it.”

Bucky sighed as she all but dragged him to his feet, taking his hand and leading him into the living room.

She took a soft seat next to him, both of them still obviously on eggshells.

“What happens now?” she asked, slipping off her heels and curling legs underneath herself.

“I don’t … I don’t know.”

“Just be honest with me, Barnes. It’s all I’ve ever asked of you, don’t change that now.”

The truth, well, in for a penny as his mother used to say. It was his turn then to take a big deep lungs filled breath.

“I love him, and I never thought I’d get him back. God don’t answer the prayers of two queer boys from Brooklyn, Carter, he just don’t.”

She nodded, that sad smile back in place and it felt like a knife in the chest.

“But I also love you, I’m in love with you too, and I have been for creeping up on seven years. I love our life together. I love our friendship, our relationship, the fact that you’re my friend and my lover, and I had hoped one day soon a little more. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, Peggy, and at first that terrified me so much because what if I lost you, too. And so I hid it away and stamped it down for longer than I want to admit, but I know you did too, because you shared that same fear because we both lost–”

“The only _man_ you ever loved.”

He tried to stop it, but failed. He felt the familiar sting of tears in eyes, not bothering to front it anymore he let them fall with a sniffle.

“Yeah.” He let out a big breath then. He felt as if he’d been holding that information in most of his life, and he expected her to look at him with hate filled eyes, but no, he just saw her look at him as she always looked at him, a curious softness, and maybe love.

He hoped it was still love.

“And shit, during the war I was so jealous of you because I knew he’d pick you over me any day.”

“Categorically false, James. That was my thought on the two of you. It’s what held me back for so long with Steve, and I didn’t want to get into something that I knew would only end in my heart being trampled.”

He laughed then, a little bitterly. The had this conversation in a way when they first reconnected, so long ago now.

“We should have had a chinwag back in the day, Carter. The two fools in love with a super fool, wonder if they’d add that to the comics?”

That made her laugh, her own tears being dried up by a hankie she produced from her pocket, which told him that it wasn’t the first time she’d shed tears that week. The sinking feeling returned to his stomach again.

“I always wanted you both to have a shot though. I mean I barely knew you, but him … I wanted so desperately for him to have a shot at a normal life, make an honest woman of you, and have some kids … whatever he wanted. And I was so bitter that the war took him at all, but more so that it took his choices from him, his life.”

She nodded.

He took her hand then and kissed it.

“I am sorry for all of this. You deserve better.”

She shook her head.

“I wouldn’t trade anything, he and I, you and I, and yes even you and him – none of it - for the world.”

“Really?”

“He shaped you, you shaped him, for the last almost decade you and I have shaped each other. He made me want to fight on, to fight the good fight – whatever that was - to stand up for the little guys who were always, always taking a beating. We’ve all affected each other, changed each others lives for the better – mostly. People grow and change and we become hopefully decent human beings willing to do the right thing and live a good life in-between. I got to live a good life with you for longer than I thought, war being what it is; a never ending cycle of death and pain, and we do what we can in-between to make life good. You made my life good.”

“And you mine.”

It felt final, it felt terrifying, and so he gripped her hands tighter.

“I don’t want this to be our end, Peggy. I can’t lose you.”

She closed her eyes, more tears falling before she licked her lips.

“But you love him more.”

“No, I love him _too_ , not _more_. Not more. I love you both and my head is so fucked up because that’s wrong. You aren’t meant to love your best friend, or your best friends girl and certainly not both at once. I might be wrong Peggy, but I can’t help how I feel and I’m sorry but I don’t want to lose you both.”

She narrowed her eyebrows at him then.

“What are you saying, Bucky?”

It was Bucky when she was trying to get through to him, always Bucky – after nightmares, after sex, after a fight. Barnes in public, James when pissed or proper, or properly pissed. He liked when she called him Bucky.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I think I would rather lose you both than have to choose, Peggy. I can do a lot of things but not that.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeep! How did you like that? The Steve/Bucky reunion sexing was tough to make happen because don't we all love Peggy so much? Does it make it cheating if they all love each other? Does it make it cheating if she was sending Steve there and knowing and being okay with what she knew would happen? I angst'd a lot over this chapter so I really do hope you like! 
> 
> Ps. Are we super excited for Agent Carter? What do we think of soft-core Lumberjack Steve Rogers? Jesus wept, amIright? xo


	13. Baking a Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy gets drunk, Bucky frets like a Catholic mother, and Steve is just very confused!

                                                           *****

Sitting in pained silence with Bucky was doing no one any favours, so Peggy eventually excused herself to take a bath. Sobbing in the bathtub was therapeutic no doubt, but what she really needed was a drink, and maybe a few more after that. She also knew that Bucky needed some time alone, they both did. Her time would be much better spent with a drink in hand and a little female conversation. She knew that Maggie would be off shift over at O’Brady’s bar, their regular of sorts, and she only lived a block or so from Peggy’s place. They had bonded one evening that Peggy was out with fellow agents, Maggie being Margaret, Peggy being the same, both of them discussing which was the better version of the name in short nickname form. Both argued a solid case and had become friends since. They had dinner once a month to keep the friendship alive. Maggie was a live wire in her own right, and Peggy needed that.  Bucky knew better than to ask too many questions as she informed him of her plans, seeing her resolve and knowing her well enough to know that this was necessary.

An hour or so later she had talked Maggie’s ear off about everything but what was bothering her, omitting all the actually important or incriminating details of course. Maggie, on the other hand, took advantage of the bottle of rum Peggy brought with her. It also kept her mouth running, a distraction Peggy welcomed as much as she welcomed the warm comforting feeling the drink spread through her.

“And it’s not that I don’t love David, I do, and it’s just … well, Tom is _so_ … different.”

“Different how?”

“You know, he’s sweet and kind, and he didn’t serve in the war so he doesn’t have that messy head-space that I sometimes lose David to. I mean, you know how that is with Bucky, right?”

She and Bucky had become something of a regular fixture at their local bar in the years they had been ‘courting,’ always ignoring the looks they got when people – strangers mostly – noticed the lack of rings.

“Or him with me, depending.”

Her friend frowned then and ran a hand through her blonde curls.

“I always forget you’re not a regular girl, Peg.”

“I am a regular girl. I just … have a bit of an irregular job,” she protested with a pout.

“Right, Captain America’s ex and part time rouge Nazi hunter, it’s a helluva job.”

“The Cap thing wasn’t a job.”

“Oh but I would have worked him…” she giggled, slapping her on the arm. “Sorry, I know how tense that topic makes you, and Bucky come to that.”

She had no idea.

Instead of spilling the beans Peggy downed the rest of her drink.

“Alright, you’re drinking as if you have a death wish and I know that’s not you, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Even she wasn’t convinced.

“Mmhm, is it man trouble?”

Peggy wanted to laugh, wanted to laugh to save her from the tears she felt burning in her eyes.

“Something like that.”

“Bucky finally realising he has to make an honest woman of ya? Finally get you in one place long enough to marry you?”

She shook her head.

“We’re happy as we are.”

“Yes, so you say, every time someone brings it up.”

“And I’ll stop saying it when it stops being true. Not everyone needs a ring to prove something Maggie.”

“Ouch,” she said as she flashed her own ring. A ring and vows she often forgot when she was with another of her men. Peggy wouldn’t judge, but she wondered privately from time to time, what was the point in vowing to love and honour one man if you’re gonna lust and fuck half of Brooklyn.

But that wasn’t her business.

“I don’t mean to dig, really I don’t.” She sighed. “I just … I’m a little confused about some things is all.”

“Cold feet? Shit, he’s not with another dame is he? Because that man is stupid in love with you.”

That made her want to smile. He had been, as she said, stupid in love. She’d seen it. The thing was she had also seen it with Steve. She merely shook her head in lieu of an answer.

“Is it possible, Mags?”

“What’s that?”

“To love two people at the same time?”

She looked shocked for a second, “Honey … is he?”

“No! No, this is just … me, asking. If it is, is it real or is it just confusion and lust and chemicals, or is it real love for both, honest to god stupid love for more than one person?”

“I might be the wrong person to ask here,” she said, clinking her glass to Peggy’s empty one. “I love everyone for a time at least; love you right now if you pour me another round,” she said with a wink, making Peggy laugh.

“I’m serious.”

“Oh Peggy I don’t know, maybe it is, maybe it’s not real at all. Maybe this, maybe that. Who the hell knows? All I know is my mother was married to the same man for forty years and was damn miserable for thirty seven of them, once the puppy love wore off she was left with a man she had to tolerate, and she barely did that.”

“That’s sad.”

“It is, and I swore I wouldn’t fall into that trap.”

“But?”

“But a boy promises you the world in the backseat of his car and suddenly you’re in love, suddenly there’s a baby on the way, then a war … and well … he comes back a man, one you barely recognise.”

Maggie finished off her own drink then.

“Is it a sin to seek comfort elsewhere if the man you loved isn’t that man anymore? I don’t think it is, but then I’m not most people. I think if I were to live in a perfect world, I could have my cake and eat it, too. I could have my cake, admire it, love it, adore it even, but devour that damn cake, my figure be damned. If I could … well, if’s and wants don’t really help nobody, do they?”

She agreed that no, they didn’t. They lived in the real world, Peggy more than most.

“You risk your life on the job Peggy Carter; you deserve everything you want in this world, and then some, ‘cause you’re out there saving it for the rest of us.”

And it was those words that lead her into the city to Steve that night.

                                                           ******

The door of the room opened and he was standing there in nothing but black long underwear and the sight of him, sleepy, dishevelled, and half naked gave her pause.

“Peggy? Is … are you okay?”

Was she? She wasn’t sure. The night air and the rum were mixing in a strange manner. She felt bold and brave; a different sort of brave than she was used to being.

He waved her inside the small but functioning room. There was a large bed, a sofa, a wireless and two windows, and she knew there was also a small bathroom to the right. It sat on the tenth floor of Stark Tower, mostly for overnighting staff. She had stayed there a time or two herself.

“I’m fine, really. I just needed to speak with you.”

He blushed then, and it reached his clavicle.

“About … before, I know it was wrong of me to – of us to–”

“I don’t want to talk about that. I mean at least not specifically.”

“Uh … okay?” Confused and still half asleep, he took a seat on his messed up bed. Twice in one day she had seen him in a bed half dressed, twice in a day she longed to be in there with him. She hoped he assumed the blush in her cheeks was from the night breeze.

“I just um, lemme get a shirt,” he said, stepping into the small bathroom and coming back with a white t-shirt on. “Peggy, about before, I feel like I should–”

“Did you get something to eat? Are they taking care of you here?” She knew Steve had an assigned assistant of sorts just down the hall, but she also wondered if he would take advantage of that.

“Uh yeah, I mean I mostly just went and got a bite downtown, no one noticed me or anything. I was walking around all afternoon just … getting used to being able to do that again I guess.”

She looked around the small room, it really wouldn’t do. Stark would have to hurry with the rehousing options for Steve or she’d do it herself.

“Bucky’s freaking out,” she blurted out, not really wanting to allow Steve time to mumble an apology he wouldn’t really mean.

He nodded.

“I figured as much before … is he okay?”

She shrugged, taking a seat on the dishevelled bed. It was still warm, and it reminded her that she was cold to her bones.

“I don’t know, but we talked today and…” she sighed. “He’s talking of being unable to choose–”

“Peggy you two are–”

“I won’t lose him, Steve.”

He nodded then, looking suitably chastised, like a kid in school.

“I … understand that,” he said slowly, taking a seat by the desk.

“You do?” she cocked a brow at him, and she wondered for just that second if she may have to fight Captain America for her man. The thought made her want to laugh a little.

“He’s the best guy I’ve ever known, of course I can understand the desire to keep him to yourself.” He looked her square in the eye, and she saw the Steve she first met in all his scrappy glory.

“I’ve spent the better part of a decade building what life we have together, and it’s been … it’s been wonderful and frustrating and terrifying and filled with love and fighting and sadness and grief and all of the things a life should be.” She had to say it out loud, as much as she knew it pained him to hear. “But throughout it all, there was one constant, one thing that was missing from both our lives.”

He looked up from staring at his feet.

“You, Steve.”

He blinked. Silence filled the room.

“Exactly,” she said with a sigh, nudging herself backward so her back hit the wall. She crossed her legs at the ankles and waited for him to follow her lead and join her. He did. They sat in said silence for a few more minutes before Steve spoke.

“I had figured since you both moved on that … you know, that was that,” he sounded quiet, sad, and she wanted to hug him, but the ground was being laid and things needed to be said first. “I know you sent me there today knowing what might … probably happen … and part of me held onto that because I wanted to be with him, but a huge part of me wants to be with you too and I feel like my brain is broken somehow because–”

“That isn’t normal,” she said and he nodded. “What is normal anyway? We talk about it a lot, but no one seems to know exactly what it is but we all want to be it.” She smiled then. “I knew you and he would … do that. And I was, at least in theory, okay with it.”

“But walking in on the aftermath and seeing what you saw, it wasn’t right of us.”

“Would it have stopped you if you knew I was coming home?”

“It’s not something I wanted to rub in your face, so to speak, even if the last conversation we had made it more than clear to me that you were aware of the possibility of … that.”

She wasn’t sure if she should have felt better or worse that he had still planned on fucking her boyfriend, just that he had wanted to be discreet about it.

“He won’t choose.”

He nodded again, rubbing the back of his neck.

“No, I assumed as much. He would never break your heart.”

“How do you know that?”

“Peggy … Bucky used to date a lot of women before he and I … became something more. And after, when it was just for show, it was just a part of life you know? He’s been faithful to you for almost ten years. I don’t understand why you both haven’t gotten married and done the whole settled thing. That would suit him, he would _love_ that … always wanted kids and a nice place to call home, someone he loved to come home to.” He shrugged. “But then we happened and all that kinda goes out the window. With you he had a shot at a real life.”

Peggy started to laugh then, and she was sure the alcohol was flying through her system because it was a hysterical laugh that had Steve looking at her funny, like he just noticed she wasn’t totally sober.

“Peggy, have you been drinking?”

“I have, Captain, I _really_ have, and to be honest I need more because what you just said? I was his shot at a life? He said almost the exact same thing to me about you.”

They both sighed then and Steve closed his eyes.

“I’ll stay away … from both of you, if that’s what it takes.”

Of course he would, of course Steve would be the one to make the sacrifice play. She felt her stomach sink, having him back and knowing he was staying away just wasn’t an option her heart could take.

“That’s not happening.” She stood, a little wobbly still, placing her hands on her hips.

“Peggy, it’s not fair on you both.”

“And what about you? None of this is bloody fair on you either Steve! Nothing about this is fair!” She began to pace. “He’s at home, fretting like a catholic mother on prom night, I’m plastered, and you’re a sad puppy, and I’m sorry but this is bullshit! We save the world for a living. You DIED to save us all, and what do you get? You get a future where your boyfriend is shacked up with your girlfriend and now everyone is tense and twitching and panicking. It’s not right! We’re good people we deserve things that are fair!”

He smiled his sad smile and she wanted to kiss him. God, all their brains were broken; Bucky was right.

“But we know more than most that life just isn’t fair. Fair woulda been me never falling in love with my best friend, or you, or never having to drive that plane into the sea, never waking up to find my life wiped out from under my feet and no idea how to stand back up again … No… I…” He took her hand then, “But we can kill ourselves with what ‘might have been,’ and I’ve done it all since I woke up in that room … I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Peggy sniffled, squeezing his hand tight as she could.

“Steve, you and I have always been kindred spirits in so many ways, ever since I first met you I have wanted to get closer to you,” she smiled.

“Even at a hundred pounds and lucky to be alive?” he asked bashfully.

“Especially then,” she clarified, squeezing again. “I saw something in you that I recognised, and I think you saw it in me too.”

He nodded, a wistful smile breaking out on his face before he spoke softly, “I did, and you amazed me. Still do. Stark was telling me some things, and I just …yeah. You’re amazing, Peggy.”

She blushed but pushed forward, needing to say what needed to be said.

“But Bucky … is your soul mate, Steve. And that is just another fact of life, like you have blonde hair and a penchant for dangerous decisions that could kill you, or that Bucky hates Jersey.”

Steve laughed then, big and real and it made the skin by his eyes crinkle in a way that Peggy wanted to see every day.

“What does that make you and Buck then?”

She thought and knew exactly what right away; it was how she had always felt.

“Lucky as hell, that’s what.”

There was a beat and they both considered her words.

“I’m a little jealous, I gotta say.”

“Don’t be.”

“How can I not be? I’ve tried not to be but I’m only human, I’m happy you found each other, truly I am, but…”

“It stings.”

He nodded with a sigh.

“Yeah it does. We had a date, Peggy, and I let you down.”

“Yeah Steve, Jesus, you put the whole world before me, I mean how could you DO that?!” she said as sarcastically as you’d like, making him smile. “Seriously, Steve, stop that now.  In a perfect world we’d all just–”

And then it was like the world stopped spinning for a just a second, a shiver ran down her spine at the very idea of what she was considering. It was dangerous, it was reckless, it was probably illegal – but then she realised with a laugh, her life was all of those things on a daily basis and hardly any of them half as fun as what was floating through her head in that moment.

“Just what?”

He looked at her then, so earnest and unaware of what were possibly the lewdest thoughts she’d ever had, and that was including that time that she considered fucking Bucky in the bathroom at the White House.

“We’d have our cake and eat it.”

                                                                       ****

His eyebrows knitted together as she all but dragged him from the building, hailing a cab like a pro while doing so.

“I don’t understand what you mean. The cake metaphor is confusing me, Peggy!”

“It’s a thought, Steve, a very … dangerous one.”

“Cake is dangerous?”

The cab stopped and she hopped in. He followed, still lost.

“Yes, consider this, consider that cake was … illegal. It was the most frowned upon, illegal, awful thing in the eyes of the holy joes that run the world, that run this country with a hypocritical fist. That they hated cake and thought that no one should have it, all the while behind closed doors people like the senators and what have you are gorging out on pastries and fancies every chance they get.  But, we’re denied our cake.”

His head hurt.

“Peggy.”           

“Steve,” she said, mocking his serious tone. “I miss you and you’re right here. That’s not fair.”

“No, no it’s not.”

“Between us all there is a lot of love,” she whispered into his ear, mindful of the cab driver. “That that should be wasted because our ingredients for amazing cake are wrong in their eyes is just stupid.”

She nodded then as if it all made sense. It didn’t; at least not to him. In her drink fuelled brain it probably was bordering on poetic, but he was just baffled.

They pulled up to the fancy brownstone that he had all but fled early that afternoon, and she paid the cabby and they entered in silence.

“Peggy, I–”

“Shh,” she said, shedding her coat and toeing off her shoes. “He must be in bed. All the better, really. We’ll have this conversation when I’m a little less fuzzy.  I think my friend gave me moonshine and told me it was rum. Wouldn’t be the first bloody time I’ll tell you that–”

“Peggy, I don’t–”

“I’m tired Steve. I’m tired of being sad, and I’m tired of seeing _him_ sad, and you’ve just got back and I’m already tired of seeing you sad. So, let’s not be sad anymore okay?”

She took his hand after instructing him to shed his shoes. He did so obediently, all the while his heart was thumping up into his throat, the hairs had risen on the back of his neck, and he was starting to sweat a little. He wasn’t a hundred percent sure where this was going, but as the seconds passed he was beginning to piece together her plan. They made it to the top of the first staircase and took the turn that led them to the room that Bucky wouldn’t allow them into that day. Their room – his and Peggy’s – and it had stung just then. Unfairly perhaps, considering Bucky’s mouth was on his neck at the time, but it stung to know that they had a bedroom, one they had shared nightly, perhaps for years.

Years _without_ him.

In the present though it seemed that Peggy’s hair brained idea was one of inclusion, confusing as it might have been. They both entered the bedroom silently and Peggy stripped out of her dress, leaving her standing there in the middle of the dimly lit room in just her underwear, her silk, creamy underwear.

He willed himself not to get hard, or at least if his dick insisted, that she maybe not notice. It was clear that, whatever this was, it wasn’t about sex.

Yet.

She slowly rolled down her stockings and Steve found himself in a bit of a trance. He was torn between watching her and glancing at a sleeping Bucky on the big brass bed with the flowery bedspread.

“You sleeping in your clothes?” she whispered and he shook himself out of his state before tearing off his sweater and undoing his pants, leaving him in his t-shirt and long underwear. He was taking things on her say so, and he watched as she went over to the side Bucky faced  - away from him - and slipped into bed with perfect grace and a practiced air, as if she had done it a thousand times with Bucky; and she had, he realised.

“Peg?” he heard Bucky say, his voice raw with sleep, and his heart ached. He shouldn’t have been there, he shouldn’t have been witnessing this. It felt like too much, too intimate. “Peggy I’m sorry I–”

“Shhh. Enough now, okay?”

“I-”

With that she nudged a brow at Steve behind her, which was his green light he supposed, and this was her plan. She was tired, they all were; tired of missing each other. So she decided to make that not be the case. He loved her before but in that moment of realisation as he pushed back the covers and saw how shocked Bucky was to see him, dumbfounded even, he loved her just a little bit more. This was unconventional, this was the banned cake, and this was what they needed.

“What’s going on, Peggy? Steve?” Bucky said, laying flat on his back now. Peggy was on her side facing them both, Bucky looking between both Steve on one side and Peggy on the other. “I don’t understand…”

“Apparently we’re baking a cake,” Steve said looking past his confused friend to Peggy, who was smiling despite the tears threatening to shed in her eyes.

“Yes we are,” she responded. “Now, snuggle in, it gets cold in the early morning.” Bucky’s mouth was still agape as Peggy leaned over and kissed Steve, longing and sweet all at once before pulling back and kissing Bucky just the same.

Steve was so turned on it was ridiculous to think he could possibly sleep, but Peggy was determined to make her point.

“But I don’t understand, Peggy. What’s going–”

“Go to sleep, James. We’ll discuss it in the morning,” she said, and she was every inch Agent Carter in that moment in that no, she wasn’t answering your question, and she’d kick your ass if you kept it up.

He couldn’t help but smile as she reached over and switched off the lamp, leaving them all in the darkness. The only light came from the half opened curtains behind the bed.

“Steve, do you know what she’s talking about?”

“Baking is a complicated process, Buck. We’ll discuss it in the morning.”

At that he heard Bucky blow air through his lips in frustration, then he felt the tension cease as Peggy reached for Bucky’s arm to spoon her. She then reached back at an awkward angle, dragging Steve to Bucky’s back to spoon him. He heard her chuckle when she realised Steve’s arms were long enough to spoon them both, just about.

“This is insane, you’re both–”

“We’ll discuss it in the morning!” both Steve and Peggy said simultaneously, causing them both to laugh, and laugh so hard that poor Bucky was getting jostled.

“You’re both very stoned, but fine, _fine_. We’ll discuss it in the damn morning then. Goodnight?”

Bucky was so confused, but he gripped onto Peggy with one hand and onto Steve’s that was snaked around his waist with another. Whatever confusion laid with the three of them, Steve knew this was more than okay, this was just what Bucky needed.

It was maybe what they all needed come to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that! Hm. Do we think they can do this? Will anyone ever tell poor Bucky what is happening? Can they bake their cake?
> 
> Ps. Thank you for the love it makes me giddy and inspired! :D 
> 
> Pps. Have we seen the Agent Carter sneak peeks? How effing bad-ass does it look? Did it remind you of her and Bucky going flat to the mat with the Hydra guys a few chapters back? Because that's what it reminded me of! :D Excite! xo
> 
>                                                            *****


	14. Your Boyfriend's Back?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peggy sticks to her guns, Steve readjusts, and Bucky finds it hard to stick to the code.

Waking up the next morning, Bucky’s first thought was that it was a dream. His dreams since the war had been scarily vivid, though nowhere near as pleasant as that. But then slowly he came around and noticed two things; one, he was hungover as all hell, and two, one of the pillows smelled like Steve. He shot out of bed and dragged on his sleep pants, not bothering with a t-shirt before thundering downstairs.

_No, it wasn’t a dream._

Steve was sitting with Peggy having breakfast. He was reading the damn newspaper for crying out loud.

Bucky stood at the door for a few seconds, managing to go unnoticed as he was noticing. They looked good together, not comfortable like she did with him in the way that came with years of mornings like that, but with an ease that made it clear there was something there, a flirtation maybe. He hated darker thoughts of how this would have been their reality a long time ago - minus him - if things had gone differently. He forced those thoughts aside. His current reality wasn’t that painful. It was, if Peggy’s idea was real, going to be something really pleasant.

But then he smelled the food and, damn his stomach for betraying him.

“Uh, morning?” he said, finally announcing himself and they both looked up. Peggy was hung over but as always she did it with an elegance that Bucky seemed to lack. She looked a little pale and tired but a lot fresher than he felt. Steve, fucking Steve just looked like a rose in June, or fresh as a daisy or whatever the saying was. They smiled and bid him good morning, then glanced at each other, clearly knowing something he didn’t know. He ignored it in favour of coffee, and ooh, she made bacon sandwiches.

_Score._

“Sleep well?” Peggy asked as she stood. She grabbed another sandwich from the covered plate on the stove before standing on her tippy toes to kiss him on his cheek. He did the same, though conscious of their audience.

“I did actually. Better than I have in a few nights … for obvious reasons.”

“You secretly like being squished to death in your sleep by a drunk woman and a human radiator?” Peggy asked mid-bite, making them both laugh, which thankfully broke whatever tension was in the air. He took a seat next to her, though still close enough to Steve that it wasn’t a slight. Was seating mathematics going to be a thing with them now, he wondered?

“Well I know one thing for sure,” Peggy began before she took a sip of her coffee and she had both their full attention. He knew Steve was jittery and it had nothing to do with her too-strong-for-normal-people coffee. “We’re going to need a bigger bed.”

Bucky choked on his drink slightly before putting it down, glancing to Steve with raised brows.

“You are _actually_ serious about this, Peggy?” Steve asked, still as shocked as he looked. She merely nodded, taking another bite of her breakfast.

“Yeah, there was something about cake … or something. I was a little drunk last night,” Bucky admitted with a grin toward Peggy who just rolled her eyes as he continued. “Not the only one I recall.”

“Yes, yes I got smashed, wonderful. And yes, I am serious. If … I mean if that’s something that you both would–”

“Yes!” was the clear and rather loud response from both still stunned looking men. She laughed then, shaking her head.

“Alright then, but I think it deserves a longer discussion because–”

Just at that the doorbell rang, causing Peggy to sigh.

“Stark really can’t take no for an answer. I told him I wanted the morning off, he told me Korea was in crisis. Honestly, when aren’t they!?” she sighed again, trudging to the door without her shoes.

“Mornin’ Carter. Here, have some coffee.” They heard from the door and sure enough, flash and style entered in the form of Howard Stark, two coffees in hand.  “Oh, more people. I figured Bucky’d be at work or school or whatever it is he’s at these days and Cap! I almost forgot you were back. Almost,” he said with a wink to which Peggy just rolled her eyes.

“You didn’t need to pick me up, Howard.”

“No, I didn’t, and I wouldn’t normally, except I have some paperwork stored here. In your loft if I recall correctly, and I do. So, if you’d be so kind as to lead the way and I can be on mine?”

Peggy took a sip of her new coffee before handing it to Steve with a sigh.

“Come on then.”

She led him up the first staircase, past her bedroom and the other guestroom before tackling the second staircase to the third floor where the door to the loft was.

“Steve stay the night?” he asked, his attempt at casual, laughable.

“He did. We got to talking late so it makes most sense.”

“Hmm,” she heard behind her but by the time she turned he had a smile fixed. “I know where it is from here, if you haven’t moved those boxes?”

“Nope, it’s all still in there. We were going to turn this place into an office space for me, but I’ve been thinking–”

“It would suit Steve?”

That gave her pause. She hated that he was so perceptive sometimes.

“We haven’t fully discussed it, but it would make more sense than him being on his own someplace that SHIELD or Washington decides for him. We’re his friends, family even, and if he wants–”

“Carter, this is your place, pal. You do with it as you please. All I want is a place for the weapons, both traditional and … otherwise,” he said, rifling through the boxes in the small loft space beyond the second hallway before coming up with an ‘a-ha!’ when he had found the files he was looking for.

“Do I need to know what that is?”

He cocked a brow then, and she knew he was thinking that Peggy being Peggy, there was no way she didn’t already know the content of every box in that loft. He was right of course, but she wanted him to demonstrate trust. Trust with Howard was a huge deal, in that she was one of maybe three people in the entire world that he had it with. She worried about him often, though she tried to hide it.

“You want a ride to the office? I’m heading out to the new base in New Jersey later too, to check up on some things.”

She tried to let the base operators run that side of things as much as possible, trusting them, but wanting them to learn on their feet like the rest of the bases too after the initial set up. She had meetings all morning and a lunch with Chester Phillips, dragging him out of retirement once every few months to catch him up on the gossip. It had been almost half a year since she’d seen him and she wasn’t about to cancel.

“I’ll ride in with you, leave the cars here … in case Steve wants to drive somewhere later.”

“I’m sure Barnes would be happy to drive him anywhere he wanted to go,” Stark commented as they descended the stairs. Peggy rolled her eyes as he mumbled, “Or do anything else he might need, come to that.”

“Thank you for your time, gents,” Howard said with a nod to the two of them standing in the kitchen, now deep in conversation, coffee left to the side. “Cap, we’ll have that meeting at sixish? Discuss the media strategy from here on out.”

At that Steve straightened up, nodding.

“Sure thing, dinner right?”

“Right, I have this chef from Paris, he’s fantastic. You’ll have to sample everything, not that that’s an issue now. You both–” he nodded then to Peggy and to Bucky, “should join us. If you’re both free that is.”

Bucky shrugged.

“I could eat.”

Peggy smiled. Yes, she knew he could eat just about always and anything you put down in front of him. Even her terrible attempt at her grandmother’s famous pot roast that one time, the poor man.

Stark took his leave, allowing Peggy time to grab her coat and to gulp down the last of her coffee that was quickly turning cold.

“Okay, so I’ll just stay on at work then meet you both there to head over to his place at say five thirty?”

They both nodded, Bucky being the first to complete their morning routine; dumping his coffee in the sink and grabbing her for a kiss, coping a feel while he was at it, this time a little less shy about Steve watching. If she was honest, the idea of it now sent a shiver down her spine, making her feel bold. When they pulled back Bucky had that grin, one that told her he knew what he was doing to Steve at this point, so she just played him at his own game and grabbed Steve by the arm, snaking a another around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss too. She swore she could feel the blush from his skin as she did it too, but he kissed her back with just as much vigour and promise and truth be told she was three seconds from telling Howard she was pulling a sickie and letting her body work out all these conflicting feelings. Ultimately she remembered Korea and stepped back, fixing her lipstick and clearing her throat gently, feeling a little light headed. Steve’s eyes were glassy and Bucky was rooted in his place.

“Well, have a nice morning, whatever you two … get up to,” she said, working her hips a little extra as she grabbed her purse from the table and made her way outside.

If Howard knew what she’d done before getting into his car he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he handed her the files for the morning meeting with a nod.

“All set?”

She smiled.

“Yep, all set.”

                                              **********************

 

“So your boyfriend’s back. How does that affect your other boyfriend?” Phillips asked as their food was delivered. She had spent the previous fifteen minutes filling him in on all of Stark’s shenanigans, as was their usual routine; work first, personal after, then more work until they were done.

Peggy sighed, looking at her grilled chicken salad.

“It’s a wonderful thing and we’re both thrilled that he’s back, that he’s alive, himself, and all of that.”

“But?” the dour man in front of her asked. To look at him no one would have guessed he was a gossiping old hen.

“But nothing, I’m thrilled Steve is back. So is James.”

He chewed his meat, she swore in a completely judgmental manner.

“Sure you are, but what does Steve think of you two? That had to have been a shock.”

Fact, not question, and he wasn’t wrong.

“You really are worse than the ladies at the salon you know that?”

“Sue me, Carter. Retirement, forced might I add, is boring as all hell.”

“Your heart continuing to beat is an important thing, _Chester_.”

He groaned.

“You sound just like my wife when you start yammering on and on and on and on about my health, _Margaret_ ,” he added, pointedly.

“How is Sheila?”

“Thrilled I’m retired, still. We’re planning a cruise to Europe in the summer, I can’t wait.” The droll tone said otherwise, making her laugh. “Speaking of wives.”

“Ugh…”

“When are you going to put that boy out of his misery and marry him?”

She was almost tempted to ask ‘which one’ just to spite him, but instead she remained silent.

“Peggy, really now.”

“Really now what?”

“Being a wife ain’t so bad, and it would do you some good, get some stability in your life–”

“You have a lot of experience at that then? Being a wife? How’s it working out for you? Got a nice apron? A lovely kitchen to chain yourself to? How’s your womb bearing all those kids?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Fine, I know it’s not tradition you’re after, but he’s a good man. Hell of a sniper too.”

“I agree, on both points. We also agree that it’s not what we need. We’re just fine as we are.”

“So you say.”

“And keep saying and yet it feels like no one is listening. They keep saying that it doesn’t matter what my job entails of me that I am not fulfilled unless I have a baby on each hip and three pies in the oven!”

“Depends on the kind of pie,” he said with a grin and she wanted to smack him. “One has to wonder, now that Rogers is back, if maybe he’s the one you’ve been waiting on.”

That smacked her in the face, knocking whatever air of mocking they had between them right down, so much so she almost dropped her fork.

“That’s not what’s happening at all and I resent the implication.”

He shrugged.

“Everyone knew how sweet on each other you were, and it was a damn certainty that you’d be married after the war. Had things happened differently are you saying you wouldn’t have married him back then?”

“I was a different person back then.” And it was true. She had seen war, yes, but that loss, that deep, personal loss affected her in ways she was still recovering from. He should have known that.

“Perhaps, but you know if it’s my first thought it’s bound to be Barnes’ too.” He held up his hands in mock surrender. “Just food for thought, Peggy.”

Phillips’ visits to the city usually left her feeling self-assured and ready to take on the rest of the week, or month depending on what she had to face. This time though it left her feeling thoroughly deflated.

Not even the saucy thoughts of what the boys got up to once she left them in their worked up state that morning could shift her mood by the time they both showed up at her office.

Both the boys were there, looking as grumpy as she felt.

Lord, perhaps it was catching.

The blinds on her glass wall drawn, she invited them in, closing the door to her assistant’s swooning as she did.

“Good lord you look like someone died, what’s wrong?”

Steve grimaced while Bucky sighed.

“Oh nothing, you know, just Steve and his bright ideas,” Bucky said, then leaned in and kissed Peggy, not a peck on the cheek, but a full on open mouthed kiss that took her a little by surprise.

Oh, something was definitely up with them.

“I’m missing something?” she asked as she stepped back to Bucky’s exasperation and Steve’s blush.

“You tell her, since it was your idea!” Bucky snapped no real anger in his voice only weariness.

Steve sighed before speaking.

“I just thought that if we’re ALL going to do this, then we should do it _right_.”

Bucky sighed dramatically before going behind Peggy’s desk to take her leather seat, tipping it back and putting his feet on her desk.

She fought the urge to snap at him, instead focusing on Steve.

“And ‘right’ is what exactly?” she asked, still not seeing his full picture.

“I … just think that we should do it right. You and he,” he nodded toward Bucky, “have had a shot at doing this thing properly – you know there’s a code.”

Bucky ‘ugh’d’ to himself, spinning in the chair.

“A code?”

“Yes, I ask you out, we go out. If you want to I mean,” his face flushed and Peggy was reminded of the skinny boy from so long ago now, it made her smile. “And we start things right.”

“If I want to?”

“Y-yes, and then there’s a date and … stuff.”

“Stuff?” She was enjoying toying with him and judging by Bucky’s silence he was enjoying her dragging every detail out of him like this.

“You know, dancing and stuff.”

He was beet red and she no longer had to hold back, instead she giggled and looked at Bucky who merely raised a brow in response before she leaned over, grabbed Steve’s tie, and pulled him in for a kiss that rivalled the one that Bucky laid on her moments before. His hands rested on her hips like a gent. Stock still he stood until she slipped her tongue and meshed it with his, then a moan escaped that went straight to her core, and his grip on her hips tightened. She pulled back reluctantly and Steve’s eyes went straight to her lips.

“So, a date then?” she asked, amusement still evident in her voice.

“Y-Ahem.” He cleared his throat softly, his hands falling to his sides. “Yes. So uh…”

“I’d love to, Steve.”

Her phone rang then, and Peggy knew it was downstairs calling to tell them a car was waiting to take them to Howard’s place uptown.

“Thanks Jane, we’ll be right down,” she said after picking up.

“Ready?” she asked, looking between them both, Steve was beaming and Bucky was … oh.

“I swear to God you both are trying to kill me, making out with each other like that, making Steve make noises like that, making my brain make pictures of what it is I’m picturing, but oh no, can’t have sex because there’s a goddamn code. I swear to god-” he mumbled to himself, clearly annoyed at the world in the most hilarious display of petulant child acting she had seen in a while – and she worked on the daily with Howard Stark. Steve laughed, watching him walk past them both, before extending his elbow for Peggy, which she took gladly. Both of them were amused at Bucky’s sour mood all the way to Howard’s driveway, where he promised to can it until a later date.

They both knew he was full of shit, and plotting his payback.

                                                                       ****   

“We have to come out swinging, Rogers. You’re a national hero, an icon, a comic book character for cryin’ out loud. We do a press tour, the big cities, the morning radio, some TV maybe too. You’ve got a face for TV now that’s for sure!” Howard, on this fourth drink since they arrived – not counting how many he had before they arrived – was gesturing wildly as they all talked. Or rather, he talked a lot and sometimes other people got a word in. Peggy sat between Steve and Bucky at the dining room table as they awaited their dinner. It was them, Howard, Jarvis floating about in the background doing God knows what, and a press relations woman from Los Angeles who was more than a little bit enamoured with Stark. With all the talk of press tours she noticed Steve had gone quiet, the easy smiles and rapport he had with the group long gone as Howard yammered on about ‘exposure.’ She knew when he blanched white at the idea of live TV that she had to step in.

“Or how about we do one big interview – print – Life Magazine, The Post, something good. Reputable, worldwide coverage, kill all the birds with the one stone?”

She felt Steve relax. Bucky nodded in agreement with her and it stumped Howard and little Miss Exposure, also known as Helen.

“But Carter, we aren’t interested in killing birds, we’re interested in coverage. Coverage means talk and talk reaches the Capitol, and that means funding.”

She hated that he was right, but she would also rather walk on hot coals than have Steve become anyone’s ‘dancing monkey’ once more, and she knew Bucky felt the same as he grasped her hand underneath the table.

“I disagree, Steve isn’t here for our gain–”

“Not our gain, _SHIELD's_ gain, the _world’s_ gain–”

“No,” Steve spoke up then, cutting Howard off mid-sentence.

Everyone turned to look at the man with the face of stone, resolve and determination. The last time she saw that face was when he disobeyed Philips and was going to walk to another country to save Bucky. She couldn’t have been more proud if she’d tried. It was easy for Stark to overwhelm people at times, his triple speak and grandeur were tricks up his sleeve he played well, very well, and the glamour of his home and the royal treatment of his guests were always something that took some getting used to. Howard Stark was a generous man, but only when he got something in return, and he always got something, not matter how small.

“Steve, buddy, come on. It will be so much fun!” Howard attempted, but he was cut off once Steve stood up, his height dwarfing Howard a little, the subtle intimidation working a charm. She swore she heard Bucky chuckle under his breath.

“I said no. Peggy’s idea is a better one. Kill all the birds, one sit down interview with whomever you all agree on, story and photos, whatever they want. But I tell my side of things once and once only and then I ask them to let me get on with my life.”

With that, Steve excused himself and headed toward where Howard assured them was one of the many bathrooms in the house. Mansion was a better term, a much better term for a house with seven bedrooms alone, never mind the two kitchens and four bathrooms scattered throughout. The pool was indoor and heated for heaven’s sake. They had all, on this occasion, declined a ‘dip’ to relax.

Instead, as dinner was taking some time, Howard offered them the tour of the house. The ladies agreed, though Peggy more so out of politeness as she had been there many times before.

“Go find Steve, okay? Make sure he’s okay?” she whispered to Bucky, kissing him on the cheek before the three of them left the dining room and heading away from where Steve had headed some ten minutes before.

Bucky found him standing in front of the sink in the bathroom, door unlocked. He was lost, just staring into the mirror above him. Bucky’s heart still skipped a beat when he saw him, his mind still not having fully accepted that this was Steve, and that he was really here, that all of this wasn’t a fragment of his imagination. Now that had been the scary thought over the years, that he was really still some sap on Zola’s table of torture and this was all of it, in his head.

But he held tight to the hope that it was real, he had to.

“Hey, they’re serving dinner in a few. You okay?”

It broke Steve out of whatever thoughts he was lost in with a blink and a sad smile. Still a horrible liar.

“I’m fine, just needed a break from all the ‘great’ ideas.”

“Peggy will kick his ass if he tries to force you into something–”

“I owe him–”

“You owe him _shit_ , Rogers.”

Steve gave him that chastising look, the same look he’s been seeing since they were little boys giggling in church.

“Bucky, he saved my life, I owe him.”

“So you owe him your _life_? That’s not how it works, Steve.”

Steve sighed, turning to the sink to splash some water on his face.

“No, I know that. But I do owe him something. Without him I’d still be a … I just owe him something.”

The shame that Bucky felt in that moment was years worth of missing Steve and wondering ‘if only’ accumulated into one moment. Howard didn’t give up on Steve, but everyone else _did_. At least that’s how it looked. Bucky had been able to save him so many times except the one time Steve really needed him to.

“Hey–” he attempted to touch him, but Steve stepped out of his grasp.

“It’s fine, okay? Whatever works best for everyone?” Steve whispered, not looking him in the eye.

At that Bucky lost it, because no, he wasn’t about to become Stark’s bitch-boy out of some misplaced sense of honour. He took Steve by his stupidly large shoulders and shoved him against the door.

“Hey, look at me? Look at me, Steve?”

And when he did, Bucky was sure his heart physically broke. The blond had tears in his eyes, his cheeks were red.

“Hey, listen to me, okay? You’re here and _that’s_ what matters. Sure, we’ll thank Stark ‘til we’re old and grey and kicking his ass at backgammon in an old folks home or something,” that made his friend chuckle through the tears, but only for a split second, “but you don’t owe him your ‘right now.’ You owe him nothing, he did what he did because he COULD, because he wanted to prove he could to the world and come the end of the week he’ll make sure the world knows HE’S the reason you’re standing here.”

“But–”

“You’re his masterpiece, Steve. You think he was just going to let you rot?”

That hardened the sad look with something more familiar, stubbornness.

“You’re a cold son of a bitch sometimes, Barnes, you know that?”

He moved to push Bucky but didn’t, instead resting his hands on his shoulders.

“Yeah I fuckin’ know it, but did I lie?”

He swore Steve snarled before he sniffled and wiped his eyes with the cuff of his sweater.

“No.”

“No, I didn’t. You owe no one shit, not him, not me, not Peggy. The only person you owe is _yourself_. Be the selfish little prick that I know and love that’s in there somewhere, Steve.” He shook him then, forcing Steve’s hands to drop to his sides.

“You know, that little idiot that I wanted to keep safe but before my ass hit foreign soil was strapping himself to some mad scientist’s machine because he’s a reckless little fucker hell bent on giving me an ulcer.”

Now that made Steve laugh, watery as it was before his hands cupped Bucky’s face.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, okay. Peggy’s idea … it was a good one.” He sniffled again.

“Course it was. The woman will rule the fuckin’ world someday, mark my words.”

Steve nodded before leaning down an inch and pressing his lips to Bucky’s softly. Bucky kissed back just as softly before pulling away.

“What about the code?” he whispered with a cocked brow.

“Shut up a minute would you?”

He conceded when Steve dragged his fingers through his hair. He had commented before how he had liked it that little bit longer, that it reminded him of when they were just teens. Bucky shuddered as his fingers dragged on his scalp, deepening the kiss and shifting so they were flush against each other.

“Don’t,” Bucky began but Steve pushed him to another kiss, “start,” and another, “something, you can’t … can’t finish, Steve.”

There it was, that naughty look that he missed so much. God, it had been so long since they had been playfully stupid with each other. His heart ached … among other things.

“As much as I hate to stop the show…”

They turned fast and found Peggy was standing by the door, leaning against the door frame, casual as you like, a smirk on her face that both men wanted to lick off.

“And believe me, with how wrecked you both look right now, I mean that. But, uh, dinner’s ready and Stark isn’t drunk enough to not notice … _things_.” She nodded to their pants. “So, clean up and come join us okay?”

Both men let out a sigh of relief, and then promptly stepped back in attempts to put themselves back to rights.

“That could have been Howard, or Helen. It was sloppy of us,” Steve said, guilt evident in his voice.

“Yeah, look, let’s just wash up and get this night over with, okay? I don’t know about you but I need to just … not be here.”

Eloquent as always, Bucky thought to himself. He never did make much sense when he was horny. It was as if all his brainpower was routed someplace else.

_Sure felt like it._

“I’ll go first, say we got lost or something,” Steve spoke, looking in the mirror to straighten his tie and fix his sweater. He was dressed in black slacks and a navy sweater and blue shirt and tie, his hair combed just so. Bucky hated how much he just wanted to snuggle into him.

“Lost, really?”

“It’s a big house, Buck.” He slapped him on the back with a smile before he slipped out of the room. Leaving Bucky to ignore his own messed up reflection in the mirror.

                                                                       ********

The ride back to Brooklyn was a quiet one, mostly because it was one of Stark’s drivers that Peggy didn’t know or trust, and so they kept quiet about anything important until they pulled up to the brownstone.

“Well that was exhausting.” She commented as she ascended the steps, the men following close behind. Steve was lagging at the bottom of the steps and his absence when Peggy unlocked the door was noticed, causing both her and Bucky to look down at him. “Not coming in for a cuppa tea?” Peggy asked, surprised. They had a very important conversation to finish after all.

He kicked the step absently before shaking his head.

“Nah, I’ll pass if that’s okay. I’m gonna go back to the city tonight, give you guys some space.”

Both Peggy and Bucky rolled their eyes, making him laugh nervously.

“God you’re both so similar, it’s odd.”

“Could say the same thing about both of y’all,” Bucky commented, taking off his hat and throwing it inside. “Steve, just come inside, we’ll talk things out.”

Things had been tense all through dinner, mood wise, and because Peggy was a danger she had been subtly touching Bucky’s thigh sporadically throughout dinner, torturing him silently. But Steve’s mood, while less maudlin than in the bathroom during his little breakdown, was still very subdued.

“No I um, I’d rather just walk for a while, maybe take the peace and quiet around here while I’m getting it, you know?”

Peggy sighed and walked down the steps, taking his hands in hers.

“Please come inside, we need to talk.”

He nodded, “I know we do, just … I’m all talked out for tonight, you know?”

She searched his face and must have found whatever she was looking for because she then mimicked his expression and nodded back.

“If you’re sure. If you want to be alone there’s a couple of guest rooms, one you’re quite familiar with?” She smirked, making him smile and squeeze her hands before letting go.

“Nah, I’ll pass tonight. Thank you though, both of you?” He looked to a confused looking Bucky and then back to Peggy before leaning in and kissing her on the cheek. “Though, if you’re free Saturday night, I’d like to cash in that rain check?”

That made her tear up a little, recalling part of their last conversation before he’d gone radio silent.

“The Stork Club at eight then?”

He beamed before looking to Bucky, almost for permission. What should have been awkward and uncomfortable oddly wasn’t, as she followed his path and looked to see her … their boyfriend grinning.

“It’s a date?” Steve asked, adorably nervous.

“It’s a date,” she reassured.

They both ignored the Bucky Barnes sounding mumbles of ‘it’s about damn time’ as he went inside to leave them to their good nights. They agreed with him, it was about damn time.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So baby steps or are we rapidly approaching the point of no return? 
> 
> Thanks muchly for the reviews on this guys it's epic as I've said before but I do love hearing from you on this, so keep it up ;) 
> 
> Next up : Date night drama! 
> 
> xo


	15. Just A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy and Steve finally meet at The Stork Club for that long awaited date.

Bucky had the kettle on when Peggy slipped out of her shoes and onto the couch. He had shed his coat and his waistcoat, shucked off his tie and unbuttoned the first three buttons. He looked deliciously dishevelled.

“He always did this. When anything happened, big or small, I would lose him for hours. Sure, he’d come back with a bloody nose or a black eye or somethin’ but you know…” he sighed, taking his spot beside her and pulling her into his arms for a cuddle.

“I worry about him.”

“Yeah,” he kissed her temple, holding her closer. “He’s stronger than what most people gave him credit for, even then. Now, I think eventually he’ll adjust with our help.”

“Speaking of adjusting…” she looked up at him then. “Are we crazy?”

“Probably. I mean you are. You  _ definitely _ are.” That earned him a punch on the arm as he laughed. “You are! Hell, we all are.”

“Look, it was a mad idea but it’s one that keeps everyone happy and in the loop. Hard, impossible choices don’t have to be made.”

He nodded. “But it’s crazy, can we really do that?”

“Steve came back from the dead, James. I risk my life every day, you were taken in a war and tortured against your will, we’ve made sacrifices and lost so much. I just wonder if it’s not high time we took something back for ourselves.”

He bit his bottom lip as the kettle started to sing then hopped up to go make the tea. A few minutes later he returned with hers in her favourite cup and his in his usual mug, and a chocolate biscuit for her with a smile.

“Love is love, right?” he commented, sitting back down.

“That it is. I refuse to give you up. I refuse to break my own heart by cutting Steve out of my life and not exploring what that might be like, to have him in it again. I refuse to be the one to conform and step back so we can all pretend that we don’t want each other as much as we do.”

“You could rule the world you know?” He grinned.

“I don’t want to rule the world, Bucky, I just want to live in it. Happily.”

“And this, all of us, would make you happy?”

She thought then, and the idea of it terrified her, but not as much or in the same way as the idea of losing both of them.

“You’ve made me happy, I’ve made me happy … he makes us happy and maybe we make him happy?” Bucky smiled sweetly at that before she continued with a sigh.

“It would make me happy. I only hope that I can–”

“You already do, so much.”

“It would be an adventure, maybe?” Peggy offered. “I’m  not  saying I’m not scared but I’m just tired of losing people I love, James.”

“Yeah, me too Peg, me too.” After a beat of silence, nothing but their breathing and the tick of the clock on the wall, he nodded again, seemingly to himself this time.

“But what about marriage and babies and all the stuff that might not be possible if we decide we go down this road? I mean, it’s all very huge, very life altering, and heart altering too … I just …  If it’s what you want, and what Steve wants–”

“And what  _ you  _ want. It has to be unanimous. As for the other stuff, well I’m already too old in the eyes of most people to be considering children, and marriage wasn’t ever something I  needed , you know that as well as anyone.” She smiled softly. Many a conversation was had on this very topic, many an avoidance too. “It’s a different path is all, but it’s one we all have to decide to take or not take together.”

“Like the Three Musketeers?” Bucky offered.

“With hopefully better choices in hats, but yes, why not?”

“I love you both, I want you both, the world and you seeing fit to allow me that isn’t something I’m gonna question. So I’m in. But you’re right, everyone has to agree together.”

“We’ll meet him for breakfast tomorrow. I’m off until Sunday, and we’ll discuss everything before–”

“Before your date the next night?” He grinned, mischief in his eyes.

“Yes, my date,” she answered with a giggle. “Will this ever stop being strange?”

He shrugged. “I hope not. I like our version of strange.”

“I think I do too.”    

“Bucky?”

“Hmm?”

“The code doesn’t apply to us by ourselves, does it?” Peggy asked, already off the couch, her hand extended for his, making him laugh.

***

It was the night of the ‘date’ and everyone was a little on edge. It was stupid, as far as Peggy was concerned. It was just a date. Except she knew she was bullshitting herself because it wasn’t just any old date with any old guy. It was her first, her first with Steve.

The date she had waited for since 1944.

She sighed to herself, sitting in front of her lit up vanity, knowing that Steve was up on the other floor. His ‘bedroom’ was there, his space. As far as the outside world was concerned it was a whole separate apartment.

They knew better of course.

But he was still up there, with Bucky, getting ready. The idea of getting ready at Stark’s building would just cause too many questions, and on a night like that, the less the better.

She was nervous but equally excited. Though out of the three of them she and Steve were sure Bucky was the most excited. He had been flapping about all that afternoon, humming to himself, and voluntarily doing the dishes. It was a little disconcerting. But, she knew he was happy for them, happy for him, though he was frustrated with their lack of … advancement in the romance area immediately.

In short, he was horny as a goat because he was ‘doing this right’ and making sure everyone was on the same page after ‘jumping the gun’ with Steve. His hilarious choice of words for that had her sick sense of humour tickled. He certainly did jump the gun, _ Steve’s gun. _

Good lord, she mentally chastised herself for thinking such things, and then chastised herself for chastising herself. She was a grown woman who saved the world and had two boyfriends; thinking of them naked was her right.

As was doing a lot more than thinking about it.

Having offered a ‘code free’ night to Bucky, he at first seemed all for it, but then decided that his conscience was louder than his libido and declined, annoyed at himself and leaving Peggy in a fit of giggles. It had been the first time ever – possibly in his life, he ever refused the offer of sex.

They all knew what was meant to happen after their date that night, but it was tentative baby steps, and no one was under any illusion that they ‘had’ to do anything. She was thankful for that. It was a lot to digest. She exhaled again, forcing herself not to sweat as she put on some makeup.

She could do this.

It was just a date!

***

“It’s not just a date, Bucky, Jesus,” Steve was standing in front of the mirror, sweating and feeling like he used to when his asthma would get bad in winter. Bucky was rummaging through a drawer paying him little mind, a stupidly handsome grin on his stupidly handsome face. Even older now, Bucky was still beautiful, if possible even more so. He aged like wine. Steve was sure he would age like milk.

“She’s a cool woman, we both know this. We both love her. She loves us both. Literally, Steve, there is NO chance of rejection here.”

“It’s a hard habit to break though,” he sighed again, trying to fix his tie. He was dressed casually in grey pants and a white shirt; he was toying with a tie-or-no-tie decision for twenty minutes. He wanted to be casual, aloof, and cool. Sadly, in reality he was exactly none of those things.

“No not those grey ones the  other grey ones,” Bucky dismissed, taking in his appearance from behind.

“What the hell does it matter what shade of grey pants I’m wearing, Bucky really!”

Bucky rolled his eyes, pushing himself to Steve’s back, his hands on his waist, looking at him through the mirror as his hands slipped lower.

_ Oh. _

“Because, the other ones really bring out your ass,” he grinned. “Now wear this blue tie, it really brings out your eyes.” After a little pat to the ass he was making his way to the door and said, “Two things I know she’ll be interested in!”

“Her or you?” Steve called back but got nothing but a chuckle as Bucky descended the staircase to Peggy’s floor.

He could do this, it was just a date!

****

She saw him leaning against the doorframe through her mirror, he was admiring her, and she knew that look. She loved that look.

“See something you like, James?”

“Always.”

With that he made his way into the room, sitting at the foot of the bed, behind her.

“You okay?” Peggy asked, finishing off her look with some trusted ruby red lipstick before swivelling on her vanity chair to face him.

“I am. I’m just realising how odd this all is.”

“Just now?”

He laughed.

“I mean it should feel wrong or something, right? I should feel jealous or annoyed or hurt but it’s not happening. I keep expecting it to, and it doesn’t come.”

“Call me crazy, but I’m glad? Those are the last emotions I want you feeling in regard this whole thing.” He nodded, taking her hands in his.

“How  do  you feel though?” she asked in a whisper, almost scared to really ask.

“Happy? I guess happy is the first one, for Steve, that he gets a shot with the woman – the only woman - he ever fell for. A little anxious I guess too.”

She looked at him with a look at said she felt the same exact thing. He rolled his eyes at them both before kissing her on the cheek.

“I have my study group in the city tonight along with a few more errands to run, so I’ll be back late. There’s a room booked in my name at this little B&B over on–”

“Bucky!”

He grinned.

“As if we all don’t know how this night ends, Carter. Don’t pretend.”

She huffed then, annoyed that it all seemed so final.

“Leave a  little  room for spontaneity, Barnes.”

He rolled his eyes, still smiling.

“I’m all for that, but honestly I think you’ve both had to wait long enough to get in each others pants.”

“Romantic.”

“ _ Realistic _ ,” he countered. “And can you blame me?” He wriggled his brow at her. “I’ve had you both, I know how awesome everything, everywhere will be.”

“Ah, so this is purely selfish on your part then, wanting me to…”

“ _ Fuck Steve _ . You can say it.”

She fought a blush and he caught her. His smug laugh was almost enough to annoy her.

“Completely selfish on my part, trust me.”

Another kiss to the cheek and he took several steps back and out of the bedroom.

“If it were me we wouldn’t leave the house, but Steve likes to be wooed.”

He said it loud enough that his voice carried up the other staircase, and sure enough a second or so later they both heard a mumbled  ‘Shut the hell up Bucky I do not!’

He just winked at Peggy.

“See you later, Carter. _ Have fun! ” _

************

A last minute emergency forced Peggy to pop to the office, leaving Steve to make his way to the club to ensure their dinner reservations stayed reserved by showing up – alone. It also left Peggy fuming as she rushed from the short and apparently pointless meeting – a point she made sure to reiterate to all involved - that it could have been done over the phone, in the morning. Regardless, it allowed her to sign off on two new recruits for the New Jersey office, ones she would oversee in the coming weeks.

Rushing to a cab in the rain was one thing, rushing to a cab in the rain on a Saturday night was another.

All in all Steve had been there almost thirty minutes alone.

She cursed Howard again under her breath as she shook off her wet coat and attempted to fix herself in the little mirrors that adorned the entrance hall.

_ Deep breath. _

She walked in and scanned the club, couples everywhere. Some at tables, others standing mid-conversation in every space, most at the bar, and sure enough there he was, standing, taking in the scenery around him like he always belonged there, sipping a beer.

Her breath hitched.

It was a moment she had imagined so many times over the years, especially the first few. This moment, one she never really believed she’d get to have in reality.

He spotted her when she was a few feet away, and it was as if time stopped. It was just her, walking into that club in a fitting V-neck dress, different from the red he remembered from his dreams so long ago, but still as stunning, if not more so.

A light in the dark, as always.

_ “You’re late,” _ he quipped, a cheeky grin on his handsome face. Another call back from a time long forgotten by most. It caused her to smile as she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

_ ‘I couldn’t call my ride...’ _

“I had no ride, cabs are terribly unreliable. Do you forgive me?” she asked with a smile, taking the pre-ordered whiskey sour he had for her. His heart swelled. This was real.

“Considering how late  I am, I think it’s safe to say we’re even.”

A few more minutes of jibes well placed and they were informed their table was ready. Seated and ordered, they had a couple more drinks delivered.

“This place is nice. Not sure how it looked right after the war, but it’s nice now,” Steve commented.

“I wouldn’t know. I never went … with anyone.”

With Bucky. He knew that’s what she meant.

He nodded.

“It’s nice. You look beautiful by the way, I forgot to tell you that before,” he blushed again, before taking a healthy sip of his drink.

“You too.”  

He laughed.

“Yeah uh, Bucky was pretty insistent I wear this grey three piece...”

She took him all in once again, allowing her eyes to roam shamelessly. 

“Bucky has good taste.”

He looked at her then, as if right through her, and there was a sudden pang of want and regret that ran through her.

“Yes, he does.” He cocked a brow, making her smile.

The dinner went swimmingly. It was like old times, except with actual food and nice music in place of rations and the sounds of bombs in the distance. Steve spent most of his time wanting to know about her since before; everything and anything she wanted to tell him he was more than happy to listen to. At times she felt those pangs of guilt as the majority of her stories involved Bucky and them as a couple, but if it bothered him he never showed it. Smiling and laughing at all the silly antics, from the Coney Island Vomit-Fest of ’49, to the fear of God on her face when faced with babysitting her niece and nephew for an evening when they were tiny babies.

“It was entirely unfair how easy he took to it.”

Steve laughed.

“Yeah, he’s a natural. Had a lot of cousins, lot of neighbours with kids … and then there’s me. Poor shmuck was forever picking me back up and putting me back together. Sometimes  literally .” He shook his head, most likely recalling a million stories she longed to hear.

“I’ve been trying to woo him,” Peggy said, a conspiring smile, knowing that this was viewed as her wooing Steve, “to come work for SHIELD.”

“And he hasn’t?”

“No, he hasn’t. I knew why, but I always thought I should try, you know?”

“Why?”

She finished a bite of her dinner before she continued.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Not to Steve.

“He wouldn’t fight the fight without you. With you … gone, it was obvious any fight he had in him, emotional or otherwise went out like a light when you did.”

Steve grimaced then.

“But in a way I’m glad. He found school – which he’s fantastic at - full of new things and people and opportunities.”

“I’m glad too. It kept him safe. Kept him out of war.”

Peggy nodded. “A luxury few of us can afford.”

“You could just quit,” he offered with a grin, knowing how well that would go down.

“I could, couldn’t I? Schedule me for that lobotomy for next week and perhaps I shall.”

Steve laughed then, big and loud, taking her hand across the table. He loved the almost physical sparks that flew when they touched, still after all this time. “No, you’re a soldier Peg, an Agent, but a better soldier than most men.”

“I do like to think so,” she preened in pretend arrogance. “What about you, super solider that you are.”

“Are you asking me to join SHIELD?”

“Heavens no,” she grinned, sipping her wine. “Merely inquiring your plans is all.”

Steve sat back, taking in the room for a minute.

“It’s been on my mind since I woke up almost. What do I do now? Where do I fit in?”

Peggy’s eyes softened. All joking aside, she felt so horrible for how out of place Steve must feel in his own life still. She longed to give him a place where he belonged, first with her and Bucky and maybe, in time, with SHIELD, but only as with all things, if it was what he truly wanted.

“Any answers?”

His sad tell gave him away, the dipped headed smile that never reached his eyes.

“I have until tomorrow evening to figure it out I guess.”

She knew why he had a deadline, it was Stark’s deadline. They couldn’t sit on his return much longer and everyone knew it. Living in blissful ignorance was nice, but sooner or later the world would know their hero had returned and whatever balance Steve had found since waking up would surely be shaken to the core.

“I can put him off a little longer if you need it. You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to Steve.”

He smiled genuinely then.

“I owe him something.”

“So? Buy him a drink. He’ll appreciate that just as much as you baring your soul to the world for some puff piece.”

“You don’t mince your words do you?”

“Should I?” she asked, brow cocked.

“Absolutely not, it’s one of the things I love about you.”

If he had realised what he had said she didn’t notice. Peggy wouldn’t bring attention to it either, instead focusing on finishing her meal.

“You don’t have to decide anything so soon, Steve. Once people find out you’re back there will be a scuffle for information and stuff, but it will die down.”

Peggy had experience with the press on such matters. After he had died to save the world she was the one they sought out as Captain America’s would-be widow. It had been awful at the time, and ever since then had left a bad taste in her mouth.

“I can deal with it, it’s you and Buck I worry for.”

“Why?”

He looked at her as if she didn’t get it. She didn’t.

“I’ve read some of the things they wrote back then, about you and me, and how it was picked up when you and Bucky got together.”

“Fodder, that’s all.”

“Still, it wasn’t right.”

“No, it wasn’t but that is all in the past.”

“Past has a way of coming back to haunt you,” he blinked, taking another slug of his beer. “I’m living proof of that.”

There was a beat before Peggy spoke again.

“Is that what you think you’re doing? Haunting us?”

He shrugged.

“Steve!”

He tried to laugh it off, but she had him cornered.

“You stop that right this minute, you hear me? That is not what you are!”

“If I hadn’t come back you and he would have went on with your life; a normal life without this conflict and confusion and crazy plans of trios having relationships.” He leaned forward to whisper, “And this is all amazing, being here with you and knowing we can talk and maybe dance and all of that, but it’s not real.”

She narrowed her brows at him.

“What do you mean not real?”

“I mean…” he sighed. “I mean I don’t belong here, not anymore. Bucky was happy with you, you were happy with him, you both had a life together, going somewhere real. A wedding or kids or growing old or whatever you wanted. Then here I am, messing all that up.”

“Ste-”

“No, think about it.”

“I have!” she whispered harshly.

“Have you really?”

“I had wanted to talk all this over with you, to make sure it’s what you really want. Now I see that maybe it’s not.” Her heart sank and she didn’t care enough to hide it.

“It is, it really is, believe me but–” He grabbed her hands again, their dinners long forgotten.

“I’ve had the same conversation with James, and I said the same thing to him I’m saying to you now,” she leaned in, and whispered, “Stop thinking with your dick for a minute and really think about what we’re doing here. I have gone over it from every angle.”

It made him smile, her potty mouth.

“I have, too.”

“Have you? Because I get what this means for me, the giving up as you call it of ‘normality’ as if he and I were your traditional Mr. and Mrs.” She huffed. “But for you? It means lying to everyone we know, it means awkward singledom, it means–”

“It means nothing if I get to be with the two people I loved most in the world again, Peggy. The rest I can deal with.”

“It’s not as simple as before, we all know this. With you and him, no one knew or cared who you were or what you did behind closed doors. Now, if Howard has his way you’ll be a celebrity. A, what did he call it, a ‘super hero’ for goodness sakes.”

“I’m just a soldier. One that doesn’t want to live with the idea of either of you getting hurt because of me.”

“We’ll have to remind him of that I’m afraid, as I remind you, Bucky and I are more than capable of looking after ourselves. You don’t have to worry about us Steve.”

“But I do, you’re both the world to me.”

That made her smile, albeit sadly.

“What a pair we are, huh?”

“You can say that again.”

*****

Before they got as far as dessert, never mind dancing, a massive scuffle broke out inside the club. A mob boss had apparently been shot in one of the upstairs rooms. The place erupted into chaos in a matter of minutes. People were screaming, there were bullets flying, and the police were there, all within what seemed like seconds.

“What do we do?” Steve asked, unsure as they took cover. “I don’t have my shield and I know you’re not armed!”

She had her knife, but this wasn’t her fight.

“It’s not our fight. We need to get out of here.”

“ _Peggy_!”

“Steve, not our fight. You aren’t even meant to be out tonight, we need to get out of here. There’s a side exit, most are leaving that way, we take the back, come on.”

She yanked him by the sleeve, grabbing her purse as they all but crawled out from under the table. Peggy grabbed the arms of two women frozen in fear and pulled them with her toward the other exit.

“Steady along now ladies, there’s a lot of glass, be careful!” she said, Steve taking to her side, helping another small woman with red hair to her feet. She looked up at him with a thankful gaze, one that turned to recognition instantly.

“Oh my word!”

“Come on now ma’am, keep moving!”’

“You’re him, aren’t you? You look just the same, oh my word!”

Steve blanched and passed the woman to Peggy, helping the others outside. Once out in the air, everyone went different directions. There were flashes of police sirens and ambulances outside the main entrance, the flash of press flashbulbs went off here and there too.

Steve pushed up on Peggy and all but dragged her down the alley. They went back three blocks through the alleyways, and came out by the park. It wasn’t until they were safely at the entrance of the park that they both took a breath.

The adrenaline of the events of the evening overtook them both and caused them to laugh hysterically. 

“Oh my god,” Peggy said, holding her stomach, her other hand on Steve’s arm. “Can’t even have dinner in peace, it seems.”

Steve laughed too. “We sure know how to pick the nice and peaceful times for conversations don’t we?”

“That we do. A war, a shooting, what will tomorrow bring?”

“I shudder to think.”

She noticed then that his hand was cut. There was a little blood but not enough to alert or alarm and without thinking she took his hand to her lips, and licked. It broke whatever humour was floating in the air between them and Steve stood stock still, his eyes transfixed on her and her wet lips.

He inhaled loudly as she lapped at his scrape, warm and welcoming, and the sensation of it went straight through him.

Her big eyes under long lashes found his, and she smiled with something wicked behind it.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

Steve wasn’t sure what came over him but more adrenaline coursed through his veins and he didn’t want to fight the urge to touch her. Was it being outside, just inside the entrance to the park? Was it that it was night, that it was secluded, that he was hard as hell and all she’d really done was kissed his hand?

_ Licked, licked his hand. _

Jesus.

Either way, when he grabbed her waist and pulled her close, pushing himself and her against the metal railing. His lips crushed to hers in a bruising, hectic kiss that knocked the breath from even his lungs, he didn’t care about decorum.

He had waited too long for that. They both had.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I evil for leaving it there? Sort of. And because of that I'll be promising to update with the next chapter tomorrow night if that's something you guys would like to see so soon? If not I can postpone it a little so it's on a normal posting schedule, but I have a feeling you might liiiike where it's headed ;)
> 
> Either way hit me up and let me know :D  
> Ps.  
> Major thank yous to Linds for editing and Whitney for pre-reading and for cheer-leading me on this xo


	16. Just A Date P2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised the second part because I'm really not a cockblocker.   
> Steve can no longer call himself a hetero-virgin, Peggy enjoys the show, and Bucky's just happy to be there ;)

** **** **

They stumbled in the door, lust swirling like clouds around them both. Him against the wall, her against the hallway table, the door, the couch. It’s when they heard someone clear their throat that they looked up like two teenagers caught making out where they shouldn’t be.

Bucky was causally standing by the entrance to the kitchen off the living room in nothing but his sleep pants and a white tank top with a fascinated look on his face.

“No,” he said, nothing but exasperation in his voice.

“No?” Steve asked nervously.

“Seriously?! You two- There is a room  _ waiting _ for you across town! I’m not meant to be here when–” he hand gestured to them both, “ _ this _ happens the first time! I thought we made that clear!”

Oh he was so very annoyed.

For some reason Peggy found this hilarious and dissolved into a fit of giggles, starting Steve up too and only serving to annoy Bucky even more.

“Jesus fuck. Fine, but I need a drink,” Bucky said, then nodded to  his coffee mug in hand. “A _real_ one.” He disappeared into the kitchen, returning to a straightened up twosome with tumblers full of whiskey and an adorably cross look on his face.

 **************

An hour or so later and they were all good and liquored up, even if two out of three of them in the room couldn’t really get drunk. It wasn’t the alcohol that was getting them drunk anyway.

It was each other.

“And what exactly  _ is _ normal anyway? Twin beds five feet apart, separate bathrooms, separate closets, separate lives except when it comes time to make kids, and then it’s a quickie and some fake moaning until it happens, circle repeat until we die? Well, gentlemen, no offense, but that’s horseshit. I watched men’s heads get blown off, I’ve seen the up close and personal effects of war, I’ve seen more death than I care to remember and I want more from my life.”

They just stared at her as she rambled.

“You’re a bloody super soldier for heaven sake, and you’re the sharp shooter with freakishly amazing aim, hearing and healing – don’t think we don’t notice Bucko. And I’m, well I’m a bloody good Agent of SHIELD is what I am.”

“Co-Founder,” Bucky added with a grin.

“That too, damn right. Why should we  pretend  to live mundane lives when our lives are so clearly the opposite of that? Why conform when our real world – the one with monsters and evil and chaos — demands that we stand up and put our lives on the line every day? Steve has already lost so much, why should he be forced to lose one of us now just because ‘society’ frowns upon such things. Things people do in the dark but never talk about. I repeat, utter horseshit.”

“She’s a sailor,” Steve commented with a laugh, into his glass, causing her to roll her eyes.

“You have no fuckin’ idea. It’s amazing,” Bucky added.

The record changed and Peggy was feeling warm and fuzzy inside – whiskey had that effect – as did the looks she was exchanging between the men in the living room. The sweet tones of the music filled the silent room; the irony of the song wasn’t lost on them at all.

_ It had been a long, long time, after all. _

“Steve, I do believe you owe me a dance.”

His ears pinked and Bucky smiled, having heard the story of their ill-fated date and disgustingly bad timing.

“It’s not nice to make a dame wait, Steve,” he commented, enjoying it far too much. Steve took the lead though, surprising them both as he crossed the room to take her hand.

“May I have this dance, Miss Carter?” he asked, earnest and sweet, his eyes dancing with mischief, and she felt herself blush in spite of herself. He took her in his arms, strong and sure, pressing up against her beautifully. He was blushing too, but his movements made no show of this. He only stepped on her toes once as they slowly rounded the space between the furniture. Both of them were aware of a pair of curious blue eyes on them, humming lightly to himself happily. Peggy looked to him sitting behind her dance partner and he shrugged, wearing that boyish smile that did things to her. Bucky nodded, and it was as if a switch flipped, this was happening. What they had been dancing around, pun intended, for days. She made the call. She could ignite this or throw water on the fire and walk away.

Steve held one hand softly, the other rested just over his heart. It was beating so fast she wondered if he was okay. Instead of asking she just dipped his chin and kissed him. It was exhilarating and terrifying, right there with a man she was falling in love with, and the man she had been in love with for a decade. And she didn’t have to choose, and neither did they.

_ Imagine that. _

Their kiss got more heated as the record changed and she heard Bucky cough and shift in his seat. Enjoying the view a little too much, perhaps.

“Steve’s a quick study, Carter,” he commented from his position, his voice thicker than usual. That alone sent a shiver down her back.

“I’m sure he is if his dancing is anything to go by,” she answered, full of sass after finally coming up for air. “Have you ever  been  with a woman, Steve?”

She knew the answer, but both she and Bucky took a little sadistic pleasure in seeing him pinken. It filled her head with naughty thoughts on how else she wanted to get him to colour that way from now on.

“Well … okay no, not  _ technically _ .” He was beet red and scratching the back of his ear.

Bucky chortled, pouring them all another round. The dancing had stopped but they still held on tight.

“I mean there have been girls. I  _ have _ done stuff!”

“Fingering Missy Andrews when you were fifteen doesn’t count,” Bucky commented, his glass to his mouth.

Peggy held in her smile at that. Those boys really did know everything about each other.

“Not  _ just _ that,” Steve huffed as if to say,  _ fuck you, Barnes _ _._ “I was on tour with USO girls for a long time. I’ve done stuff, just not, you know … all the way. It wasn’t proper. Some of them had boyfriends at war and it wouldn’t have been right.” Bucky looked shocked and a little proud. Apparently they didn’t know everything after all.

That was good.

Peggy took a healthy swig of her drink. Dutch courage, she promised herself before she asked the next question.

“Do you want to go to bed with me tonight, Steve?”

She forced herself to remember her training; don’t blush, don’t give yourself away no matter what the circumstances. She and they were adults, she could do this.  But, as it turned out, even a well-trained spy such as her had tells. She was rubbing her ring fingernail off her thumb rapidly by her side. This caused Steve to take both her hands in his, his blush now well down his neck and showing no signs of dissipating. It was as if Steve was searching for something in her eyes, on her face. She had almost forgotten how lovely his eyes were, even in a dim room they were like pretty crystals she liked to get lost in.

“I want to do everything with you…” He leaned in, still holding her hands in his and kissed her again, this time sweetly before pulling back. “I’m nervous as hell I just thought you both should know–”

“Steve–” Bucky began from his seat before he stood. “This is something you both should do alone. It was why I went out, why I booked the room. Honestly, you two–”

“Why?” Steve asked. It was part of what they had discussed before, seemingly coming into reality now. Bucky was a part of them now, just as she was a part of them also. He was there for everything else, why not this? It wasn’t as if she had anything he hadn’t seen before, surely.

“What?” he answered, confused.

“Why leave? You’re the only person in the world I’ve ever had  any  kind of sex with, Buck.” Steve smiled, licking his lips he continued, squeezing Peggy’s hand in the process. “And you and Peggy are you and Peggy now – have been for longer than you and me were you and me, or even me and her … you get where this is  going right?”

“Uh … no?”

“Honestly James,” Peggy laughed before walking to him and kissing him. “Steve wants you to be a part of this, in whatever capacity that feels right to you.”

Bucky looked past her to Steve, who nodded before focusing on Peggy again and whispering, “But no, this isn’t how– you both deserve your shot. This isn’t it. I’m not meant to be here.”

“Says who?” Peggy asked, her fingers snaking around his neck, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck that she knew he liked. “Honestly? Why not be a part of this?”

“Because! Steve has blinders on and it’s not fair, you both deserve your chance to have this moment, this special moment to  yourselves .”

Peggy just sighed.

“Bucky–”

“No, seriously, how are we meant to go into this as equals if I’m hogging you both? You for almost ten years and him for a lifetime before that. No. It’s not fair. As much as I want you both, and trust me it’s  killing  me here,” he grimaced, shifting his pants a little. Subtle as a brick as always, she thought before putting his hands up. 

“I … can … I should go?” he offered, awkwardly.

“No! Stay!” Both Peggy and Steve said in unison, causing them both to look at each other then and dissolve into the giggles. Steve had already rid himself of his shirt and tie in the midst of their rationalising, standing there in his grey dress pants that Bucky picked out because they really DID bring out his ass. And his arms in that vest … and all of it was a little too much. Then he leaned into Bucky and kissed him softly once.

“Please just stay?”

At that Steve and Peggy looked at each other and giggled before turning two sets of what could only be described as puppy dog eyes at him.

“Oh my god you’re both such nerds…” Bucky sighed in fake exasperation.

“Nerds who love you, you idiot, now sit back down until it’s your turn,” Peggy answered with a laugh in her voice she never wanted to lose.

“We’re … there are  turns ?” Bucky asked, now loving every minute of this, the asshole.

“I didn’t say with whom, but yes. And so help me, if you make one joke about Coney Island you’re sleeping in the shed,” Peggy quipped, making Steve laugh again.

Laughing was good, laughing made things easier.

“Yes Ma’am,” Bucky agreed with a cocked brow in her direction.

A few more exchanges of kisses, a little touching here and there, and Peggy knew things weren’t going to stop that night, nor did anyone want them to. So, without saying anything she tentatively led both her boys up the narrow staircase. Everyone was afraid to speak should it break whatever haze of lust and love and curiosity that had washed over them.

The softly lit bedroom awaited them, illuminated only by the old bedside lamp on what was Bucky’s side, closest to the door.  ‘ _ Because, Carter, I understand you can knife a man from twenty paces, but I’m taking point when we sleep.’ _ It was tactical and romantic all at once, and she found it charming. The double wrought iron bed had been hers since she moved to New York and it had stood the test of time – and Bucky’s sex antics – but looking at it then, she couldn’t help but wish it was somewhere less connected to them as a couple, and more somewhere new, to them as a trio.

Peggy exhaled loudly before Bucky, sensing her discomfort, crossed the room and Steve to stand in front of her.

“You okay there, Carter?”

She nodded. Her emotions were bubbling, but she wasn’t sure why she was feeling this way now. Perhaps the intensity of everything they were about to do and what it meant from here on out was somewhat intimidating, even if they all wanted it.

“I’m good,” she whispered. “It’s just it’s…” she glanced at the bed again and he got it instantly.

“It’s our bed, I know I … know, but–” He looked at Steve, no doubt recalling their last intimate encounter in the other room for this reason alone.

Steve smiled softly before patting them both on the arms.

“I have an idea, excuse me,” he said, pushing between them and lifting all the blankets from the bed then quickly making a makeshift bed on the floor. It was a sweet and oddly romantic gesture that had Bucky grinning before he leaned in and kissed Peggy on the cheek, then took two steps across the room to the chair that sat by the dresser.

“It’s not stepping on any memories down here right? At least not a lot I hope because ouch.” Steve was beaming and it was adorable. Peggy felt something inside of her relax as he shucked out of vest shirt and they both admired the view, because it was difficult not to. Then when he tentatively rid Peggy of her dress and earrings between soft, pliable kisses she relaxed further, leaving her in her slip, stockings, underwear and bra. Then it was the men's turn to enjoy the view. She laughed, kissing Steve again until he took to the impromptu nest on the bedroom floor. Three big blankets and six pillows to be exact, all soft and warm and so welcoming, like his open arms to help her to his level.

Peggy put her hands back and unsnapped her bra, beginning to expose herself fully with a flush.

“I’ve … changed a bit … from before. Not as young–” she blushed again, powerless to stop it.

“You’re still the most beautiful woman in the world, Peggy,” Steve whispered – none of them were sure why they were whispering – as he slid some hair from her forehead. She rolled her eyes playfully, trying to keep things light.

“You’re just saying that because I’m the first woman you saw after all those injections.”

“No, I’m saying it because it’s true, and you were the only woman who really saw me, before.”

There was nothing more to say, not really. He gently rid her of her stockings, painfully slowly, and she was enjoying the kisses he left in their path, then same with her underwear until her body was softly humming. Slowly but surely they sank into a rhythm of kissing and touches before shucking the last of their clothes and retrieving a rubber from the nightstand which Steve swiftly put on, no questions asked, both of them hyper aware of Bucky watching their every move. Small, almost inaudible breaths were coming from where he sat, where he would shift every so often. She dared not look, for she knew if she did she would lose whatever nerve she had built, and it seemed as though Steve felt the same way. It wasn’t until Peggy straddled him, slowly sinking down on him hotly, tightly grasping him inside her that he moaned, his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes flying open, hands grasping at her back. He saw him then,  their Bucky, so utterly wrecked from just watching.

Her lips were on his ear, softly kissing and licking, sending shivers down his spine, and yet his eyes never left Bucky’s. It was as if they were both locked in a staring match, each unsure but unwilling to look away. She took his large hands and allowed him – showed him – where to touch, how to touch, and what to do. Steve was thankful; he wasn’t used to being soft, not anymore. Touching her silky skin, her soft, heavy breasts, her curves and thighs, smelling how sweet she smelled – just her being her and surrounding him so completely was almost enough to push him over the edge. Breaking eye contact with Bucky was difficult but necessary as she pushed hard, up and down, forcing him to bury his face in her shoulder, in her neck, in her hair, unable to suppress a rather loud moan. For minutes or hours or years he wasn’t sure, the hypnotic pace of their movements together fascinated him. It felt so good, so, so good but so different with her compared to with Bucky. Even at his most gentle, at his most considerate, there was no softness, no feminine scent of sweet perfume in his nostrils, no long graceful fingernails against his scalp.

He heard Bucky shift then, and that’s when it happened.

Her breathing stopped for just a second as if she was forcing it to, before she whispered Steve’s name. He looked at her face then, blissed as it was before she called  Bucky’s  name.

If it were possible, it turned Steve on more to know that she wanted Bucky to see, to know everything they were feeling in that moment.

“She feels like warm honey, doesn’t she Stevie?” The broken and utterly ruined voice came from across the room. “Just like heaven.”

Her breathing hitched again, this time her eyes were slammed shut as she went harder, faster, and she bit back a moan when he kissed behind her ear. Little moans of  _ yes, god, yes _ only added to the heat that surged through him as she canted her hips, biting at his shoulder as he felt her tense.

She met Steve’s eyes with a nod before she called for Bucky again, breathless.

“Come …  Fuck  … come here,” she said, her hands now on either side of Steve’s head, pulling him into her chest as she fucked him harder than ever, almost manically. She slowed as they both felt the warm and unmistakable presence of Bucky at her back.

“I’m here, it’s okay…” he kissed her naked shoulder, flush against her back, his legs straddling Steve’s, moving her hair from her neck to one side, running kisses up her heated skin, making her moan even louder as he ran his fingers down her spine.

She shifted and turned, craning her neck to kiss Bucky, a kiss that he welcomed like she was an ocean to a man dying of thirst. Steve was pretty sure he was going to explode at the sights and sounds and sensations he was currently confined in. It was when Peggy made the decision to shift again, curling her hand around his neck, another twisted to reach Bucky as she took them both in with her half closed eyes, lip between her teeth, and pushed them into a kiss, that Steve felt himself unravel. Bucky’s hand slipped between them, pushing into her sure and confident, and just at that she was moaning into their mouths as they both attempted to kiss her, squeezing her thighs together as she came with a silent open mouth moan that got lost somewhere in her throat.

There was buzzing in Steve’s ears, then panting, but it wasn’t his panting he heard. It was hers, it was Bucky’s.

_ Breathe . _

“That was um…” he began, but then Peggy pulled away and the sensation ran through him like lightning. “Agh…”

“Sorry,” she whispered sweetly, kissing his nose before moving with Bucky to lie down on the nest of pillows and blankets they had created. “God … almighty,” she huffed, and his eyes focused enough to take in her thoroughly wrecked form. She was breathless still, red patches on her skin from exhaustion and orgasm, her eyes still closed, her hand wrapped around Bucky’s as they took their place beside him.

“Are you alright, Steve?” Peggy asked, forcing him to open his eyes just in time to see Bucky shuck his shirt off slowly, eyes trained on Peggy’s mouth, then Steve’s gaze. The heat Steve saw there made his dick twitch, which was beyond surprising considering a second ago he was about done and ready for a much needed nap.

“I’m good.”

She chuckled.

“Mmm, yes you are.”

It made him laugh, but it caught in his throat as Bucky’s lips latched onto her neck. Her fingers snaked to his belt, yanking it open with no hesitation.

God, the thought of watching  _ them _ sent a shiver through him that he refused to fight. It got Bucky’s attention though, and his eyes focused in on Steve while his mouth was still making Peggy squirm.

One of her hands was in Bucky’s hair, the other roaming over Steve’s arm as if to bring him closer. All the while Bucky kissed and nipped at her neck and lips, his hands palming her breasts. Before Steve know what was happening her hand was in his hair too. Roughly, she grabbed him and yanked him over to where they laid before breaking the kiss with Bucky to kiss Steve.

_ She tasted like Bucky. _

“I need a minute,” she whispered, pulling back before doing what she did just minutes ago and pushed Steve and Bucky together for a kiss. Bucky laughed, following easily.

“I think she has something in mind here, huh, Steve?”

Peggy shrugged and shifted, allowing Bucky to move and straddle Steve. Annoyingly, he still had pants on.

“I’ve seen the pre-show and the after-party but never the main event, so sue me if I’m a little  curious …”

“Curious huh? Hmm...” Bucky kissed Steve, which Steve readily accepted. “What do you say we give the lady a show then?” His fingers sketched lines over Steve’s hips, up his tummy and across his chest so softly it left goose bumps in their path.  Bucky twisted to kiss his way across Steve’s shoulders, to the collarbone, and up his neck. He could feel everything; Bucky above him, Peggy beside them, her eyes never leaving either man, too entranced by what was happening in front of her.

Steve never thought he had an exhibitionist streak before this, but by god he did now!

Steve closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing, though it was of little use as his heart was already beating out of his chest again, and his cock throbbed relentlessly with need. The need to be touched again, so soon, so much, by both of them, by either of them. It didn’t care, it didn’t discriminate, and it knew the amazing feeling of both of them now and was happy with anything that came its way. The slightest brush with Bucky set him alight, forcing him to grasp him closer, until he made it clear he was ready for more.

Bucky tortured Steve with his mouth, kissing and licking his way down Steve’s body. His tongue and lips lapped along each curve, every dip and little turn. His eyes though, they never left Peggy’s. Steve forced himself to take a deep breath, knowing how this was turning Bucky on, and when he looked to Peggy he saw that she was blushing now, her eyes locked on Bucky’s, on his movements, on them – a thing no one had ever gotten to witness before.

_ She was fascinated. _

By the time Bucky had worked him open, aided by the slick Peggy had so helpfully provided from the bedside locker, Steve was all but babbling and begging. It moved Peggy to come to his side and stroke his hair softly, kissing him deeply before whispering sweet nothings that he never knew he had longed so deeply for.

It was too much, much too much, when he felt Bucky push inside him, new condom, and more slick, all of it perfect.

Moans of _ ‘oh God _ ’  coming from his mouth … and hers.

A soft cry escaped and Bucky growled in retort. He pushed his way into Steve, pinning him down on the floor. Steve forgot how much he loved this, all of it. The feeling of utter fulfillment and connection. Bucky’s mouth found Peggy’s and she kissed him, slow and deep as he canted his hips, thrusting against Steve deep and hard. Steve groaned at their kiss and Bucky murmured back. His body was betraying him. He wanted this feeling to last forever, crushing all the pain, uncertainty and fear that the real world brought. This, here, with the people he loved – who loved him back – this, he wanted to hold onto.

_ It was so much, too much. _

But it was when Peggy’s mouth shrouded him, alternating with a soft warm hand, pumping him to a dizzying end, that he felt himself slip, coming hard and fast, his free hand tangled in her hair as it happened without much warning. She never faltered though, taking him in with a moan, one that set Bucky off, and soon enough he felt his whole body shudder to the point of tears. Everything, every nerve, every cell felt alive and he wanted to cry out. He would have if he had found the energy from somewhere. What he did hear though was her. Moans, muffled by a kiss, and more panting. He opened his eyes long enough to see one of Bucky’s hands working her over as he kissed her hard, both of them utterly wrecked and Steve could do little more than lie there.

Bucky got giddy after sex, always. He had spent many a night attempting to keep him silent  after , not that he tried very hard. The sound of his laugh was one of Steve’s favourite things.

That night added a lot of things to that list though, as they piled into the nest. Peggy nestled between both men, head on Steve’s chest, leg entangled with Bucky’s as he slotted perfectly at her back, spooning her as she spooned Steve almost.

“Well that was a … first,” Peggy muttered, sounding amused and making Bucky giggle again. The sounds of their soft talking was the last thing Steve remembered before the world went black. This time there was no fear, only bliss.

That was a first, too.

Hopefully the first of many.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. What did we think of that? ;)
> 
> If you're on Tumblr with this (or just wanna say hi!) tag me so we can chat! #Chaneladdict is tracked xo


	17. The Cat's Outta The Bag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their morning after doesn't go to plan.

There was a banging noise in the distance.

 

_Thump, thump, thump_

She didn’t care though, simply burrowing deeper under the covers between the two very snuggly men flanking either side of her. Steve was wrapped around her, hands around her waist, Bucky was  
nuzzled just under her neck, legs between hers, his hands at home on top of Steve’s arm. She was trapped, in the best possible way.  
Except the thumping was still happening and now she had to pee.

_Damnit._

“Ugh … Pissing Christ,” she murmured, de-tangling herself as Bucky moaned a quiet, ‘no stay’ that she sadly had to ignore.

She grabbed Bucky’s navy robe from the back of the door, no clue where her own was, and she stuck her head out the bedroom window, needing to see what the fuss was at. She glanced at the clock telling her it was just after nine – on her day off.

“Stark? What the hell? It’s my day off!”

“Open the door, now.”

His tone was cold, his face like stone. That wasn’t good.

“What is it?”

“Door, Peggy.”

It angered her that he assumed he could talk to her in such a manner, but she let it slide. Instead, she bypassed the bodies on her floor to leave.

“What is it?” Steve asked, slowly waking up as a still snoozing Bucky snuggled into him.

“Howard being an arse. I’ll take care of it and be back.”

The way he smiled warmed her heart and she attempted to lose her anger by the time she got to the door. Checking her reflection in the hallway mirror – good lord! – she quickly attempted to calm her hair and fix last night’s unremoved makeup before yanking the robe’s collar up as far as it would go as she was covered in scratches, and a hickey!

_Heavens indeed._

“Manners and charm as always Stark, do come in.”  
He just sighed and stormed past her. Before she could catch him to take the hallway entrance to the kitchen instead of the living room, he was already in there.

Fuming, he looked around at the dishevelled state of the room.

“Partying last night?”

“Matter of fact yes, we had a few drinks.” She cringed at the state of the room, however; she wasn’t raised to have company in an untidy environment. Her poor mother would be spinning in her grave if she knew. Then again she was probably spinning constantly of late anyway. The things Peggy had to do, the things she didn’t have to do, and everything in between.  
“Yeah a real celebration of life,” he all but spat from across the room, holding up a copy of the New York Post. _“‘Is the Cap Back? ‘Captain America back from the dead? Agent Margaret Carter seen on the arm of Captain America. Last night the duo was spotted during an incident at the Stork Club, where mob boss Archie Vincenzo was found murdered. Eyewitnesses state that it was the Captain_  
 _himself, long thought MIA by the SSR and US Army. Could it be that Cap has risen?”_

Peggy snapped the paper out of his hands and sure enough there was a photo of her and Steve.

Though it was more her than Steve, and really his face was partly covered by how she was standing. If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know for sure.

“Christ.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“This is rubbish, Howard! You can’t even see his face! This is what has you raging over here like a bull in a china shop on my day off?”

“Peggy–”

She attempted to tidy the couch cushions, and then gathered up the glasses as he followed her into the kitchen.

“What I’m saying is this is a huge problem, Carter. Jesus, all you had to do was keep him down and out of sight for another few days, at least! If we had just made it clear to him that he wasn’t allowed–”

That’s when she heard the smash and realised she had aimed one of the glasses at Howard’s head, which he narrowly missed by ducking out of the way. It smashed against the wall loudly.

“Bullshit, Howard, utter bullshit! _Allowed_ him? Kept him _down_? Are you even listening to yourself right now? He’s a PERSON Howard, not a bloody lab rat – although to you it is awfully hard to tell  
sometimes!”

“JESUS CHRIST, PEGGY!” he said, shocked from her almost assault, wide eyed and stunned.

At that the boys appeared at the door to the kitchen, Steve dressed in last night’s clothes, Bucky in his white t-shirt and sleep pants.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Bucky asked, forcing all eyes on he and Steve instead of her.

She noted Howard doing somewhat of a double take, but whatever he was thinking he kept to himself.

“Am I being kept against my will, Howard? Is that how this was meant to go?” Steve asked, calmly and evenly, allowing Peggy time to take a few deep breaths.

“Steve, buddy, no that’s not what I meant–”

“It’s sure what it sounded like, Stark,” Bucky added, nowhere near as calm, an anger bubbling that she could hear well in so few words, even if she couldn’t see his face.

“You spend the night here?” Howard asked, as if that wasn’t the most obvious thing.

“I did–”

“He did,” Peggy began. “As I said, we all had a few drinks, it got late, and there are a few guest rooms to choose from in this place as you well know. It made the most sense, rather than going back to the city at that hour.”

Howard looked at her then, then back to Steve and Bucky – who had separated from the doorway – as Bucky moved back and opened the living room curtains and window, and Steve joined them in the kitchen.

“Steve, we need to meet with the journalists this afternoon, before or during lunch would be good if you’re … available.” He was still taking in the scene before him, a brow cocked. “They want to do a full spread if that’s acceptable, and I was led to believe it would be, and that no one here might have objections to it,” he sighed, sitting down at the table carefully. “Or am I gonna get another glass thrown at me for suggesting it.”

Peggy rolled her eyes then, pushing past all of them to exit the kitchen and go back upstairs to get dressed. She had just reached their room when Bucky appeared at her side as she was taking in the wrecked room before her. The night’s activities replayed in both their minds as he took her hand and sat her down on the bed.

“Hey, look at me,” he asked, tilting her chin toward him. “Deep breath, okay. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“You don’t know that, Bucky. You don’t _know_ that.”

Sure, she was panicking, who could blame her? He pulled her into a hug then, one she welcomed with enthusiasm.

“I feel like a fool, all this fretting,” she sighed, pulling back before kissing him on the cheek. “I need to get dressed and go with Steve. I don’t trust Howard not to feed him to the wolves alone. What time  
is your study group today?”

“Not until three, I’m good.”

She shrugged off his robe and his eyes widened.

“Shit, Peggy.”

At that she looked down at her naked body, naked and covered in little bruises. They didn’t hurt yet, but she knew they would.

“Did we do this?” he asked, sliding a gentle hand along her side and her thighs. “Jesus, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think we were so rough.”

She shook her head.

“You might wanna look at yourself, sweetheart” she said, patting his arm where she spotted a bruise forming.

“Fuck,” Bucky whispered to himself as he stood in front of the mirror and pulled up his top. Sure enough, little finger-shaped bruises and a few hickies to boot.

“Well, at least we had fun?” she commented with a laugh, passing him to get washed up in the bathroom, her underwear, skirt and blouse in hand. Less than an hour later they stood in a pristine office of the Stark Tower, waiting on reporters and breakfast to arrive and the interview exposé to begin.

It was hell for Steve and about the same for Peggy. Once the reporters got over the shock of being let out of the dark, a lot of mouths a gaping and ‘oh so it IS true you’re alive’ was muttered a few times before they got down to business.

“So what’s it _like_ , coming back from the dead?” one asked, far too cheerfully.

“I wouldn’t rightly know, Ma’am, I was asleep for most of it. It’s as if I woke up from a really long, really cold nap. I never did know when to close the windows–” He wasn’t Steve, not anymore. This was full on Captain America Mode. His posture changed, his voice changed, he was sure of himself, full of humour, and confidence, and it was all an act. It hurt Peggy’s heart to witness, though she knew a thing or two about playing a role. She did it for a living after all.

“What’s it like waking up in a world almost a decade later... that has to be _strange_ at least?”

“It’s great to be waking up at all, Sir. We won the war which is great, right?” He smiled, but it wasn’t real. “Some things have changed but that’s life, and life is what I intend on living as soon as everything clears away.”

“Speaking of changes,” the woman reporter – _Susan_ – with her short blonde hair and too calculating looks toward Peggy began, “How does it feel to wake up after, as you say, a really long nap, to find your sweetheart has been seeing – rather – _living with_ – that is they aren’t married yet but have been in a very serious relationship with your best friend this past many years … how does that feel?’

The act slipped then, but only for a second and Peggy was sure she was the only one that noticed Maybe Howard too, but he didn’t flinch.

“It uh, it’s…” he looked to Peggy, then the mask went back up as he took her hand and patted it. “It’s swell, really it is.”

The reporters looked dubious, as well they should.

“You’re really okay with your supposed best friend betraying you, your wartime sweetheart-”

“Being totally honest, Susan,” Cap cut Susan off as Peggy felt her blood boil, and Susan slammed her mouth shut at his commanding tone. “It was a bit of a surprise, but not a big one, that the two people closest to me in life found each other in the wake of my … well, my death. To the world and to the people that loved and cared for me like my friends did, I was gone forever. Like Peggy, and Bucky, who I had been through so much with before the war and during … well, it made me happy to see that they hadn’t suffered that loss alone. Isn’t that what we all hope for? That we just find people who understand us right? Understand us and love us regardless of who we are or what we’ve done? I was gone, because I had a job to do and I did it, and I would do it again if it meant saving lives. Because that’s what sacrifice is. It’s something done by some so others can live free and happy, and I wanted them to live on and that’s what they did. The fact that they make such a handsome couple is just the icing on the cake,” Steve added with a laugh, fake to her ears but they bought it. As did Howard who hammed it up, sensing the tension now.

After that, Peggy was emotional but hiding it well, Steve was in full Cap mode and spinning lines left and right, even if he was blushing up a storm. He was charming – falsely so – but no one who didn’t really know him would notice. Peggy couldn’t have been prouder, and more than a little turned on, but that was as she recalled, very normal.

By the time they were allowed out, it had felt like the whole day had been wasted, when in fact it had been maybe four hours.

 

(())

“This isn’t _exactly_ how I imagined we’d spend our first morning together,” Peggy mentioned as they secured themselves – finally alone – in her office. She slipped off her heels and slid onto her desk to rest her feet, which dangled over the edge. His heart skipped several beats at the notion of her imagining anything intimate with him on the morning after the night before being just one of them. It had been life changing in more than one way. He was in all honesty still trying to process it all in his head. His body though … it remembered exactly what they’d done in detail and wanted it again, and again, and again.

“Oh? And uh, what did you imagine we’d do?”

She grabbed him by the tie, pulling him up against her desk before she leaned in flush against him and kissed him, open mouthed and dirty, not a hint of shame. It was amazing.

“Oh,” he said, breathless as she pulled back just a little. “That um, that’s a good idea, I like that idea.”

She grinned.

“Thought you might. _Ugh_ , bloody Stark.” Things had gone from blissful to stressful in the space of that hour, and she intended to make up for it soon.

“It’s done now, that’s what matters.” He was feeling bold, so instead of holding her close at the waist, he lowered his hands slightly so they rested on her pert bottom, or ‘arse’ as she preferred, he  
recalled with a smile. She noticed and cocked a brow in question. For a split second he panicked, thinking maybe he had overstepped his bounds.

But he recalled in vivid detail getting fucked spectacularly by both her and Bucky hours before, so he was pretty sure whatever boundaries that were there before had to be re-established. So instead of panicking, he gave her a squeeze. It made her laugh before she latched her lips onto his and all feelings of anything other than pleasure melted away. Their lips united tenderly at first. Like everything where they were concerned it started softly, timidly almost, until Peggy took the reins once more and kissed him a little harder and with a little more purpose until he was breathing heavy through his nose and kissing back, yanking her to him until they were unyielding against each other. He could feel her fingernails dig into his arms through his shirt, legs intertwining to allow her to feel every _inch_ of him against her as his hand abandoned her waist wrapped in that tight fitting skirt to make a mess of her hair, their kiss never breaking. If anything it grew more and more intense until they couldn’t breathe or move. Steve pulled back just a little, just enough to rest his forehead on hers and panted against her lips.

“ _Mmm_ ,” he responded, articulately of course, and she grinned before kissing him again. “Peggy?”

“Hm?”

“Last night was amazing.”

She pulled back fully, reaching up sweetly to pat down some unruly hair of his. “It really was. I’m glad your first time with a woman was–”

“Amazingly amazing,” he whispered with a dorky look on his face, he knew.

She grinned again. “And with me, and with Bucky but mostly with me because, well, he’s had you before. Not had you in the aggressive sense of having you in owning you I would never–”

He kissed her again, thrilled a little that she was as nervous and mouthy as he was in this situation.

“I thought it would be strange with him there, but God it really wasn’t, it was–”

“Hot?”

He blushed because, yes? It really was so very hot in ways he wasn’t even sure he had processed yet.

“I love that you still blush. I don’t blush often, nor does James, not really – unless it’s really embarrassing or he’s about to–”

“Right,” Steve added with a nod, looking at his shoes, willing the redness to leave his cheeks.

“But I love it. It’s part of you from before we tinkered with you in that basement in Brooklyn so long ago. I love that it’s still part of you.”

“Yeah, well, the serum didn’t fix the generally awkward shy thing. It’s mostly with women all my life and I figured when…” he inhaled and kept going, not being so used to talking about this aspect of  
his life, “when Bucky and I realised what was really going on between us, I figured how I felt around women was just because I was ... queer, but I still felt attraction to women, I still … wanted them in  
the same ways I felt when I looked at Bucky.” He shrugged again. “It was confusing, but it didn’t matter much. All of the women I attempted to date sorta hated me.”

Something seemed to click in her brain then and she shook her head. Pulling back.

“My god,” she murmured.

“What?” he asked, unsure.

“Did … now forgive me if I’m wrong here but … I don’t think I am.” She shook her head again. “Bloody Barnes,” she muttered under her breath.

“Peggy, what?”

“Did you ever stop to think that the reason those girls ‘hated you’ - and I’m sure that’s _bollox_ , Steve really. You were adorable and smart and had the prettiest eyes I’d remembered seeing in a long …  
not the point. My point is, Bucky was setting you up, but was he setting you up to fail? In case you hadn’t noticed he’s all kinds of in love with you? And I know from experience how jealous he was of  
me and that was back before you and I had even kissed. So one has to wonder…”

He was staring out the window then, and she could almost see the memories of each and every failed date. He knew Bucky wouldn’t do that to him, surely. He wouldn’t do that … to him.

“Oh my GOD.”

Peggy nodded, a sympathetic look on her face, though a knowing one also.

“Oh my … it … it makes _sense_. I mean we doubled dated a few times before we became you know, us. But after, I mean … oh my god?”

“I might be wrong!”

“No,” he sounded out as he started to pace. “I don’t think you are. I mean I was head over ass in love with him but I still liked girls. Hell, before we talked about it, it was just ‘messing around Stevie,  
don’t worry about it,’ and he was still off with women, especially that one who just wouldn’t go away … Helen McFadden, ugh, and I just … that son of a –” he ranted with annoyance, but no real anger.

“Steve I was only joking, really. Really, come here.” She grabbed him and pushed him down on her sofa before taking a seat next to him, holding his hand. “I’m sure whatever Bucky did, he did out of  
love for you.”

“Well … I …”

“And I know that it sounds harsh now recalling all the horrific experiences you had to go through, but if he did set you up I’m sure – we both know this – his heart was in the right place.” She was calm  
and rational, as always. Steve was just plain pissed now.

He stood again, this time with purpose.

“Yeah, all the while his dick was in Helen annoying laugh McFadden. Hell no. No. I need to talk to him about this.”

Peggy nodded, knowing he was a man on a mission and gestured to the door.

_Always so dramatic._

Least she could do was warn Bucky that he was headed over there, right? Well, she could, she thought, but she imagined that the hate to love sex they were about to have wouldn’t be half as  
exhilarating if he knew what to expect.

Instead, she rather smugly poured herself a cup of tea. He’d had a difficult morning, he should let off some steam, she thought. She just hoped the beds or the walls in the house could withstand it all,  
and that Bucky was fit for class afterward.

If she chuckled to herself she would never admit it, not for anything, but she would have completely enjoyed the show. It was a pity that work called as it often did.

Such a great pity.

***

 _“Helen McFadden!”_ Steve exclaimed when he got through the door to find Bucky reading in the living room, books on almost every surface.

“What?”

“Helen, you remember her, don’t you? Two summers before you shipped out, blonde hair, really tall, you saw her breasts round a corner before she did, THAT Helen.”

Bucky went from confused to amused in a matter of seconds.

“Oh yeah, I had forgotten all about her. Why you bringing her up now? You run into her or something?”

Steve was fuming and he wasn’t sure entirely why given their current circumstances - it all worked out, didn’t it? So far it had, but before … it still stung that Bucky could have lied to him like that for  
so long.

“Did you?” he asked as if Bucky could in fact read his mind.

“Did I what? Steve, you’re really red right now are you sure the asthma thing isn’t a factor anymore because–”

“Did you pick girls you knew would hate me?”

That stunned him enough to close his book, but not his mouth, which sat agape slightly.

“What?”

“You heard me.” Steve stopped pacing then, his heart rate still racing. He wasn’t sure why this was an issue, but he was angry, more angry than he had felt in a long, long time. “Did you choose girls for me knowing they’d reject me?”

“Because I’m magic, right?” Bucky added, an incredulous look on his stupidly handsome face.

“At finding girls you were.”

“ _Steve_ –”

“Did you?”

Bucky sighed then, running a hand through his hair before standing to walk toward Steve.

“Look all that shit back then. God, I was a stupid kid, Steve, I was a stupid kid–”

“Who set me up for rejection?”

“No. Look … no.”

“No?”

“I mean not … not at first but–”

“Oh _my_ God. Bucky!”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I was stupid, okay? So fucking stupid and I didn’t know how to … I didn’t know how to deal with how I was feeling. What I was feeling, Steve, Jesus. It was wrong and I was going  
to hell and you were my best friend and here I was this fuckin’ pervert who didn’t have just friend feelings for you and yeah okay so I was jealous,” Bucky spat in one breath to the point that Steve  
worried he’d pass out from lack of air.

“Jealous of what? I _never_ had anyone the way you did.”

Bucky folded his arms then, defensive.

“You had me.”

The look of pain on Bucky’s face was enough to stop Steve’s new rant in its tracks.

“Bucky–”

“I know it’s beyond dumb, I know it now and I knew it then, Steve. But … you were mine and I was yours and okay so I took too long to realise it could have been more, it could have been everything, I  
know that now. But hindsight is a helluva thing my friend. I was just so scared, of people thinking less of me, of _you_ … Hell was a big issue for a while, but then I went to war and figured we damn well lived through enough of hell that whatever ole Lucifer had to give us couldn’t be half as bad as Nazi bastards and Hydra freaks. I wanted to tell the world how I felt about you, but our world is fucked up and loving another person is wrong because he got the same parts as you. So I can’t, I can’t stand on a rooftop even now and tell them all how I feel about you, and for a long time I wanted a dame to find you and love you – and I figured it was Peggy, I really did, and as much as that broke my stupid heart, you deserved it.”

Steve reached to him then, but Bucky swatted him away, moving a few steps back.

“So yeah I’m a piece of shit for doing that to you and I’m sorry. You can be mad at me all you want but I’m still glad you’re still mine, now. I’m the selfish asshole that’s glad those other stuck up dames didn’t want you for who you were back then because they didn’t see what I saw, they didn’t see what Peggy saw – what we still see – behind the stars and the stripes. I’m selfish because of it but I don’t give a good god damn anymore because you’re mine, Steve, you’re mine and Peggy’s as long as you wanna be, and I hope you still wanna be because we kinda love the bones of you. Whether they be riddled with flaws or able to haul a building on its side, it’s just the truth.”

Steve tried to reach out again, and that time Bucky allowed it, his hand coming up to grip the back of his warm neck.

“You suck, you know that?” Steve managed through a sniffle, still sarcastic enough that he got a quick smile as Bucky wiped at his eyes angrily.

“Yeah, I fuckin’ know that.”

Steve pulled Bucky’s hands into his own, forcing them to look each other in the eyes.

“And you’re _kind_ of an asshole,” Steve said, not an ounce of malice in his voice; nothing there but fondness and love. Bucky just nodded, ducking his head again.

“Yeah I know that too.”

“But you’re my asshole, _our_ –”

Bucky couldn’t stand it a minute longer, he smashed his mouth to Steve’s with an urgency even he wasn’t expecting.

Somehow, at some point, they got to the couch, though neither could recall taking the steps to get there, nor losing Steve’s jacket, or Bucky’s sweater. It was funny how that worked. Bucky rarely forget  
anything, and Steve was sure the serum had super enhanced his memory too vividly, but once they touched each other it was as if the world melted away for moments at a time. It was only when  
Bucky’s breath stuttered and made Steve’s belly clench in that familiar and foreign way all at once, his body being hit by a wave of heat when their lips touched over and over, noses inelegantly  
smashing, teeth fighting for bottom lips, creating a messy and addictive pastime that Steve remembered in vivid detail from before. If it was even possible it had gotten better. Before things descended  
into naked chaos as Bucky was sure it would as there was no turning back – class be damned – he had to tell Steve that he knew … this had Peggy written all over it.

“Steve–”

“Mmmhmm?” His lips were on Bucky’s neck, and thus it was a struggle to remember much else, but Bucky ploughed through, pulling back for a second.

“We gotta thank her for this.”

That got him Steve’s trademark confused face.

“Helen?”

“No! Peggy.”

 

Bucky cocked a brow as if to say ‘yeah she gossips like everyone else, shocking I know,’ it also promised that whatever he was planning was something in the way of a rather delicious punishment of  
sorts.

“I mean, really, it was all her fault. Getting you all worked up like this…” Bucky punctuated, deliberately rubbing his palm to Steve’s pants. Worked up indeed, he thought.

Steve instantly agreed.

“Yes – Yes … all … all her fault,” he all but moaned.

“She has to pay.”

“She does…”

“Steve?”

“Hm?”  
“You know I’m talking about sex right?”

Those words made Steve pull back fully and open his eyes, lust swimming in them, but that little shit he knew and loved was still in there too, full of mouthy sass.

“Aren’t you always?”

Point, Steve.

 _Point_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the delay in this chapter but I needed a bit of a break. Real life is a tad insane lately and emotionally I'm just a little drained. But here we be! I hope you're enjoying the ride so far! If you are hit up the little review button and let's discuss these idiots! xo


	18. Taking Charge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is really just porn, with a lil bit of plot ;) Happy New Year bbs! xo

“Boys? You home?” Peggy called out as she yanked the key out of the door. The smell and the heat greeted her so she knew there was someone home. The fire was lit and they were cooking too. She smiled as she shed her coat in the hallway, hanging it up on the hook behind the door.

“In here,” she heard Bucky call, but she saw them both before she needed him to speak. They were in the kitchen, working wordlessly and effortlessly around each other, cooking up God only knew what, in their underwear.

“Not that this isn’t a  fantastic sight for sore eyes, gentlemen, but I could have had Stark with me.”

Steve looked up then and a smile bright and real met her and he just shrugged. “Well then he would have been in for a shock. I’d like to shock Howard Stark once in my life; I think this might do it.”

Bucky laughed, dropping whatever it was he was doing and making his way to Peggy. As he leaned in to kiss her hello she noted that he had brushed his teeth recently too.

_ Hm. _

“What’s cooking?” she asked, curiously making her way further into the kitchen, noting all the surfaces were covered with plates or pans or bits of ingredients.

“A bunch of stuff that makes no sense, but Steve…” Bucky answered, his hands up in the air in lieu of an ending to his sentence.

“There’s uh, meatloaf, and Lasagne – with real beef, and glazed ribs and some potato thing Bucky insisted on.”

That was a lot of food. The oven was packed, all of it beginning to cook up a storm.

“Wow.”

Sheepishly Steve looked from what she saw he was working on, which was a dessert.

“Yeah we got hungry and everything sounded good but now it’s clear none of it makes sense in a menu. I hope you like meat?”

At that Bucky burst out laughing, shaking his head. It, in turn, made Peggy laugh.

_ Oh Steve. _

“What? What did I say?” he asked innocently, but instead of telling him Peggy merely made her way to his side, leaned up on her toes, and kissed him.

“Looks good, anyone want a drink?” she asked, looking between both of them. The men exchanged looks and she wasn’t sure what they meant.

“No, you have one though. Relax, we’re almost done here, then we have some time to kill before it’s all done.”

By the time Peggy had mixed herself a martini from the drinks cabinet and settled down on the sofa, they had washed up and made their way in too. Steve took the arm chair; Bucky took a place beside her on the sofa.

“So, what did you both get up to today?” she asked, her eyes closed, head tipped back, but wearing a smug grin. She heard Bucky chuckle.

“As if you don’t know.”

She chuckled then too.

“Hmm, maybe, but I’d still like to hear about it.”

There was a beat of silence, both men exchanging looks again, though she had no idea.

It wasn’t until she felt a warm pair of lips on her neck that she popped her eyes open.

“Bucky!”

“How about … instead of telling you, we show you.”

Her stomach dropped and a chill ran up her spine simultaneously.

“Haven’t you both had your fill of each other for one day?” she attempted to say, though Bucky’s hand palming at her breast and his lips on her jaw made that a little difficult.

“Maybe  _ each other  _ for right now, but  you ? Hm. Not had that, not in all these years and Steve certainly … certainly…” He punctuated with a bite to her earlobe. “He hasn’t had you every way he wants.” His voice had gone from normal to bedroom in three seconds. she hated that he could do that and loved it all the same. “And trust me, he wants a lot.”

Her breath caught in the back of her throat as she looked past Bucky, who was still busy at her neck, as well as beginning to unbutton her blouse, and looked to Steve. He was sitting like normal, hands on his knees, still in his black undershorts, looking remarkably calm, except for his eyes, and mouth – pupils blown, mouth slightly agape, the only give away to him being fascinated by the scene in front of him. Peggy wanted to wreck him.

Although, she had a feeling she was the one about to be wrecked.

Knots began to unravel in her stomach at the prospect of it, of exactly what they had planned for her. She noted the faint flush atop his cheekbones as he worried his lip on his teeth in that shy, unsure, but curious way that way she loved. She did what she assumed he was waiting for, and invited him to the party, holding out her hand. She felt Bucky smile into her neck as he finished off her last button, shrugging the silk off her shoulder to plant a kiss there. Steve was on his feet instantly, kneeling on the couch beside her, eyes wide and curious taking them both in with such lust. She doubted highly that that look would ever get old.

Steve’s lips found their way to her neck and leaned in for a kiss, the brush of lips slow and gentle. He tasted toothpaste and fruit; it made her want to deepen the kiss and she felt him shiver as she roughly nibbled at his lower lip before opening her mouth ,allowing his tongue to flick at hers. Steve shifted closer then, before Bucky moved one hand from Peggy’s thigh to Steve’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss that rivalled hers, giving her a second to breathe.

She didn’t have long however, as Bucky clearly was in charge and Steve was following his lead. Peggy was just going with the flow, and when the flow decided she was to be taken upstairs via a fireman’s lift, she only mildly protested from the shoulder of her dark haired love as the blonde laughed himself pink while they all but bolted for the bedroom.

Standing breathless by the bed, Bucky yanked her skirt down. She had lost her blouse somewhere along the way. Steve was drawing the curtains and switching on the bedside lamp before he returned to her back. Bucky swung her around to face Steve, roughly enough to make her heart skip, but softly enough that his fingers kneading her hips told her she was free to do as she pleased, if she pleased. She was happy to obey, more than happy as Steve dipped his head for a sweet kiss, one that didn’t stay sweet for long. His strong hands were on her waist, Steve’s fingers pressing in warm and reassuring as he played with the waistband of her knickers. Bucky kissed her neck once more before stepping away, out of the room, as Steve yanked her closer, flush against him. He groaned pleasurably as she rubbed against the obvious hardness he was sporting, so she teased with the palm of her hand and pushed up against him repeatedly, revelling in the friction as he kissed the breath from her lungs.

“Is this okay?” he asked, making her smile.

“Of course. I would say so if it wasn’t trust me on that, darling.”

He smiled too before blowing air from his lips. He was nervous still.

That just wouldn’t do.

To put him at ease, she forced him to sit on the bed as she smoothly straddled his lap, her fingers ghosting along his neck, to his wide, fascinating shoulders, and down his arms as she felt the hairs there stand on edge as she kissed him.

“Relax,” she murmured into his kiss. She felt his body go lax a little, his hands gripping her arse possessively grinding her down on his still clothed dick.

_ Oh. _

“Goddamn it Steve, you had one job here,” she hears Bucky sigh from behind them. Something in that told her that the possessive thing was meant to come with a side of dominance. Which failed with her on top calling the shots.

“You got a problem with this, James?” Peggy asked, twisting herself to look behind her where Bucky was leaning against the door, necessary items in hand, cheeks red, and sporting a nice bulge in his underwear too.

She wanted to giggle but stopped herself. Because she was a grown up.

Bucky merely growled, dumping the oil (the fancy kind she brought from France, she noted, interesting,) and condoms on the bed beside them, before looping his arms under Peggy’s and pulling them away from Steve, locking her in place with him flush against her back.

“A little bit, Carter,” he whispered.

“That so?” she pushed out, but his warm breath was on her ear, Steve’s mouth was on the other side of her neck, and god it all felt so good.

“Mmmhm. You aren’t in charge here tonight. You’re not the boss _tonight_ , love.”

“And who may I ask is in charge here then because it’s certainly not the–”

It felt good, so good to be confined between them both, so solid and warm, but before she could finish her quip, she felt slick warm fingers at her rear.

_ “Oh!!” _

Her body shivered and she squeezed her thighs around Steve, fingers gripping his neck at the surprising sensations running through her.

“What was that, Peg? Who’s in charge?” Bucky asked again, menacing tone and all. She would slap him for that later, she thought, for the moment though she just enjoyed the feeling.

“Shut up and do that again?”

She felt him smirk, but he stalled.

_ The fucker. _

“You … you both are. Now stop being an idiot and do that again,” she conceded, ignoring the laugh from both of them.

She’d get her revenge, but later. Much later.

First she’d enjoy the compliance, the feel of fingers probing gently, working her over from both sides. Breathless kisses and one head spinning orgasm later, Peggy would admit that she was feeling a little silly, but she knew she and they could use all the silly they could muster. It wasn’t until Steve muttered a warm but amazing, “I love you,” in her ear as he kissed the shell and ran his lips along her neck and moved inside her that she felt a pang of unexplained sadness creep up on her.

It lasted mere seconds because Bucky was there too, behind, filling her so utterly and completely that the overwhelming sensations of that overtook any melancholy feelings.

“You’re the  only  woman…” Steve began, panting as he was, his bottom lip red with the constant biting.

_ God, his mouth. _

Whatever his thoughts were they got lost as they all moved in unison.

It was thrilling to know that she was the only woman to ever have him, that would ever – hopefully have him – that he loved her as she loved him. A different kind of love of course to the one she shared with James, but then again all love was unique, and they between the three of them proved that just as much as anyone else. Bucky’s hands squeezed on her ass again, lifting her off Steve gently. His arm snaked around her tummy, allowing her to turn to face him. Lavish kisses met her, his fingers in her hair as Steve pushed inside her from behind painfully slowly, taking all the care and soft movements to ensure her safety. It would make her smile if she wasn’t busy panting for breath in-between Barnes’ A-Game of kisses and thrusts.

She was a mess who couldn’t remember how to work her legs.

They all were.

By the time they all reached their final peaks, a tangled sweat covered, sticky mess on the too-small bed, giddy and stupid, cuddling together even though it was far too hot for any more touching she was sure she could die happy if this was their life.

This was a good life, this was fucking fantastic.

In its entire pun filled glory.

“Holy shit, the food!!!” Bucky interrupted a fast approaching nap with a sprint from the bed.

He may have gotten twisted in the blankets and fallen, but Peggy wasn’t sure, she was already asleep.

*****

It turned out that life was sadly not all great, messy, bone-aching sex and fantastic – if a little charred – food. It turned out that once the press got wind of Steve’s return, their little bubble was all but burst. The day the news broke there was a gaggle of press outside the house, newspapers, magazines, news reporters, the works.

It was incredibly invasive and a little unnerving; Bucky even admitted as much.

_ ‘How do you feel, Captain?’ ‘Are you going back to war?’ ‘What do you think of the country now?’ ‘How are you adjusting to life?’ ‘Are you living here, with them?’ ‘What do you think of your war-time sweetheart shacking up with your best friend?’ _

It only got worse the longer it went on, and it went on for three full days and nights before Howard made a call, and suddenly they weren’t at the house anymore, though it didn’t stop the calls at work requesting more interviews, nor did it stop them showing up at Stark’s building, or the New Jersey base of ops.

“We don’t have to go, Peg,” Bucky said from in front of the mirror, wrestling with his tie.

“Yes we do. This has been planned since last week; we’re not skipping it because of awkwardness,” she said, poking her head out of the bathroom to yell before facing herself in the mirror to fix her hair.

There was a party, a small one in Steve’s honour, and point on it being small – as Stark wanted half of Manhattan – but Steve just wanted a few buddies from the war, and his commandos, a meal and a few drinks.

Eventually Howard stopped pouting and agreed.

With the press intrusion neither of them had seen Steve outside of daytime hours since the week before. He had brought up how awkward it had been that day coming and going from their home, and the questions just led to more questions. So, he was rooming at Starks, not that it was an issue, Stark’s place had a million rooms.

It just wasn’t what anyone wanted, least of all Steve, and the discussion made sense, but it didn’t stop either Peggy or Bucky from missing him.

Bucky had his hair styled back, a little gel and a dash of cologne, teamed with a navy sweater, blue shirt and tie combo with navy dress pants and she was always shocked just how utterly handsome he was, still, if not more so than when they first started seeing each other. She was in a demure but fitted scoop-neck grey dress that nipped her waist with a pink belt and fell to below her knees with flair. She knew eyes would be on her, so she took time to perfect her makeup and hair for the occasion. Friends or foes, it was only manners to look one's best, more so when being judged as she knew they would be no matter what anyone actually said to their faces.

“You look beautiful. Nervous, but beautiful,” Bucky spoke then, standing in the doorway of their bathroom, looking as anxious as she felt.

“How is he?”

He shrugged.

“He’s not sleeping, feels cooped up even though he’s technically free to go where he wants.”

“Except not really.”

“Except not really, no. Stark says the interest will die down soon, I just hope he’s right.”

She nodded.

“You been seeing a lot of Stark?” Peggy attempted casually, though she imagined she failed as she called back to the file of his she found though never did open. It didn’t mean she wasn’t still curious as to why it was a half an inch thicker than before, nor did it mean he ever brought it up.

“Enough of him, and after tonight I guess I’ll just get more sick of him.”

He went to school, he worked two full days a week at the factory still – overseeing and scheduling mostly – lending a hand when he could. He took to the gym three nights a week when possible, always coming home exhausted but smiling, and still found time to see both her and Steve, and do whatever it was he was doing with Stark.

“We’ll go, show our faces, see our boy, eat some pretentious foreign food, and come home and sleep in tomorrow. How’s that sound?”

Our boy … Peggy smiled at that and it sounded like heaven, but sadly hell awaited her.

“You know I would love that, but I’m being sent to Washington at zero nine hundred, remember?”

He groaned.

“With Steve?”

“With Steve.”

“Super secretive something or other that neither of you can talk about; he mentioned something, then went red because he couldn’t ‘tell’ me.”

“One in the same.”

“Great. Just do me a favour? Don’t let any more mad scientists stick any more needles into him okay?”

She saluted him mockingly, causing him to roll his eyes but step behind her, picking up her necklace from the side of the sink, and slipping it around her neck. Once in place he wrapped his hands around her waist, letting his head drop to her shoulder, looking at her through the mirror in front of them both.

“You doing okay, Barnes?”

He just kissed her neck in response before shrugging. She understood Steve’s sleep issue. She knew from experience that she slept better in Bucky’s arms, and he had slept like a baby beside them both. It was about having that anchor to reality, it helped more often than not.

“Same old, how about you, Carter? How you doin’?”

She shrugged too, what else was there to say? They had all been through so much that some days because of her job she felt like she was barely human anymore. But then there was him, there had always been him, her anchor, pulling her back to shore. Now there was Steve, and with him came a new set of complications, but also a new set of amazing experiences. Such was life there was a trade-off, some good for some bad, though between the three of them she wagered there had been enough bad to last several lifetimes.

The piano music was playing, the drinks were being served by guys in tuxedos, there was a fire crackling in the corner of the large living room, the sunken pit for seating was almost full, and there were people mingling and talking just about everywhere.

“So much for a small get together?” Bucky whispered in her ear, shooing away the hostess and taking off her coat himself.

“Well it is Howard; he usually gets his way, no matter what.”

“I think someone needs to remind Howard that money isn’t everything and we had  agreed  on small. Steve must be dying,” Bucky growled as they made their way further inside. People from work passed Peggy with a nod and a smile, some greeting her with a kiss on the cheek, others, younger agents he assumed, making a beeline away from her with what looked like fear on their faces. He was oddly proud.

“Maybe dying is the wrong word, darling?” she offered, nodding to their left where Steve was laughing, big and real, the hand slapping on the knee kind of laugh, standing there with a beaming mini Howlies reunion. Bucky stood stock still taking in the sight before him.

“Not something you thought you’d see huh?” Peggy asked, letting go of his arm, and nudging him forward.

Before he could speak Dugan spotted him and grinned.

“THERE HE IS. THE MISSING PIECE! Barnes you son of a bitch, you’re late. Steve was just telling us about your run in with Sister Agnes.”

Bucky groaned, making Peggy laugh. She knew that story, a seven year old sassing an old cruel nun – there was something with a lot of chalk dust, her habit, and some vulgar words on the board before he made a run for it. He had told her it years before, told her of how Steve loved it because he witnessed it and it made Bucky the hero of the class to defy such a woman.

Steve smiled at both of them, the apples of his cheek slightly pink in the knowledge that everyone in the room was watching them now, some subtle, some not bothering to hide it.

“Peggy, you look beautiful as ever,” he said, eyes comically wide to communicate his discomfort before leaning in and kissing her chastely on the cheek. She reciprocated before he took Bucky’s hand in his for an exaggerated handshake. The rest of the group greeted them with waves and nods, all hiding awkward smiles as Morita handed her a large glass of champagne which she was so thankful for.

“I’m going to let you all catch up, I need to find Stark,” she commented ,winking to Bucky and nodding to Steve as she made her way away from there.

“Second floor, phone call,” Jones offered and she thanked him.

***

“And Zola has agreed?” she overheard, because she was listening at the door of course. Her blood ran cold. Zola had been put as far away from all of them as SHIELD could possibly put him, while still getting use out of him. She knew Howard had lied when he said he had ‘given’ Zola back to the Swiss, back under house arrest while working for their government. There was just no way Stark would let go of that kind of knowledge on the serum, she knew it in the back of her mind, suspected even, but knowing he was still in contact was another thing completely. “Fine, fine, I’ll need the prints by the summer, you know that right? I’m working on something and I want what he’s been working on, no discussion or negotiations.” She heard her friend sigh into the phone. “No, you deal only with me, there is a personal … issue with my partner, no, she doesn’t. It’s fine.” With that she knocked, leaving no room for him to deny her entry, instead just walking on in to his office.

Deer in the headlights didn’t quite cover his expression as he slammed down the phone.

“Pegs! Jesus you about gave me a heart attack.”

“Mmm I’m sure. You throw a party then abandon it?” she asked, looking around his rather messy home office. Coffee mugs and half-finished whiskey bottles were prominent.

“You know me.”

“I think I do, anyway.” She stared him down then, ice cold, and she swore he shivered.

“Steve is doing great, he’s a little stir crazy, but he’s been reading a lot, doesn’t say a whole lot but he’s dealing with all this great.”

She nodded.

“Right. Well, about Washington, I need to know what we’ll be facing there, exactly.”

“Right, of course. Uh, meeting with the head of the SSR, in that meeting there will be several points brought up, Steve’s new medical records for example, his account of Redskull and all that followed–”

“Again?”

“Again, and they’ll want to know what he plans on doing.”

“He’s been back–”

“I know, trust me, but they’re pushing for him to … well … to join the ranks. Hell, lead them, truth be told. I know you and Barnes disagree, but I think giving him his purpose again could be good for him.”

“He was a soldier in a war that war is over,” she stated emphatically.

“There’s always another war, Peggy, you of all people know that. You know there’s always another war, it’s never ending, and there is always a need for ones like you and Rogers to be there to fight the good fight.”

She crossed her arms then as he came to her side.

“What about you then?”

“Oh sweetheart, I’m more of a lover than a fighter, you know that.” He grinned, that grin that got most girls weak at the knees. She knew it was bullshit, but she took his arm that was offered to her and let him escort her out of the office and back to the party.

“Hm. Quite.”

She wasn’t about to cause a scene, not there, but she would be watching him more closely, she would be snooping more often, it seemed left to his own devices bad things seemed to happen. Like atomic bombs, or rogue Swiss scientists.

When she re-joined the party after being side tracked by her assistant, she found Bucky deep in conversation with Falsworth. And Steve, well, Steve was cornered, quite literally by a woman she knew from work though failed to remember her name. She worked on the switch board.

“Ah I see you two have met, wonderful!” Howard spoke animatedly from behind her, approaching Steve and mystery woman.

“Sarah–”

Okay, Sarah.

“And Steve, wonderful I’m so glad you’ve met.”

“You asked Morita to introduce us, Howard.” Steve spoke, a blush in his cheeks and something nervous about his words. “Of course we’ve met.”

Oh, that’s right; she was a woman, a beautiful one at that.

“I was just telling Steve all about the Apollo.”

Steve got redder if that was possible and scratched the back of his neck.

Oh lord, this was a set up! At that Peggy made sure to sip the drink her assistant had given her and attempt to get Bucky’s eye.

When she did, she subtly nodded for him to join them. In seconds he was at her side, listening to Sarah attempt to flirt with Steve as Howard beamed at them. When Bucky clued into what was happening his smug grin faltered.

Possessive Bucky was indeed possessive.

It was wrong how much she enjoyed this.

As Sarah finished hinting heavily that they’d be just swell on a date together, Bucky butted in, asking to speak to Steve about his new apartment, of which no such thing existed. He all but dragged him away from the petite blonde who looked at Peggy with wide eyes then.

“Oh gosh, Miss Carter I hope I wasn’t … I mean to say that I know ya’ll have history but Howard assured me Steve was single.”

Peggy schooled her face. To the world, Steve was very single; to them however he was very much attached.

“So I’ve heard.” She sipped her drink again as the blonde seemed to get more flustered.

“I mean you’ve dated him, would it be strange for me to ask what a girl has to do to get his attention?” They both then looked at where Steve stood with Bucky, standing close and talking heatedly. She wanted to kiss them both right there and then. She wanted to suggest she be Bucky Barnes if she wanted his undivided attentions too.

“What?”

“Steve–”

“Oh, well I don’t really think I’m the best to ask…” she attempted politely.

“You’re the woman he … loved before … well  before . Surely you did something to get him?”

Get him?

She was annoyed by blondie then, and suddenly hated the idea of Steve with her, he wasn’t a prize to be ‘got’ in any capacity. And certainly not by little southern blondes who as a couple would only serve as something Hitler might have a wet dream about. No.

Okay so maybe Bucky wasn’t the only possessive one.

Instead of telling Blondie what she thought, she made her way to her boys, tapping Bucky on his shoulder and informing them to meet her in the downstairs office in a few minutes from the time when she left. She didn’t look at either of them, attempting to be subtle.

She leaned against the unused desk in the unused office, tapping her fingers on the desk as Steve snuck through the door first, a slightly panicked look on his face.

“God, getting away from everyone is just the best idea you’ve had today, Peggy. I don’t even care if you approved a plan for world peace, this is still the best,” he said, slightly breathless as he came to stand in front of her. He smiled quickly before dipping down and kissing her rather chastely on the lips, he tasted like rum and she couldn’t help but put her hands on his shoulders, running down his arms. He looked amazing in that boyish yet somehow manly way he had about him. Fresh and sparkling even though he was also sporting some serious facial scruff and it was darker than she imagined it should be, but it suited him immensely. He noticed her looking and he rubbed at it self-consciously.

“It started as ‘I couldn’t find a razor’ and now I kind of like it… Trying something new, I guess.”

“I like it. It’s new, and you could do with some new in your life now.”

Noticing Peggy’s raised brow he rolled his eyes.

“You mean Sarah? No, not that new, thanks.”

“She’s very pretty.”

“She IS very pretty,” Bucky said on entering, closing the door tightly behind him, grinning again now.

“She’s not my–” before he could finish Bucky’s lips were on his and it wasn’t sweet or gentle like Steve had been with her, it was frantic and full of passion, possessive passion.

Steve pulled back, dazed, but then pissed.

“You’re so full of shit, Barnes.”

Peggy bit her lip to stop her from laughing, before Bucky nipped her on the arse and pulled her to his side. She let the laugh out then, unable to help it.

“Why’s that?” Bucky asked Steve but all the while eyeing Peg.

“This little show of … of … ownership, you think this is new to me? That I don’t remember–”

“Oh I _know_ you do,” he added, far too cocky for his own good, eyes flitting to Peggy.

“I see,” she murmured. “I assume this has to do with me?”

Steve sighed.

“Every goddamn time–”

“Every time, our lil Steve here–”

“No so  little assho–” Steve began but Bucky cut him off.

“Every time I would see the both of you together, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I was really jealous and so–”

“Even if we were just talkin’ which you know is ALL we did at the time, he wouldn’t hear me. He would just drag me off, somewhere, anywhere – store rooms, the medical bay, hell even behind the fencing outside the damn camp once, in the rain might I add–”

“And yeah, I uh, guess I need to remind Steve and myself–”

“Who he belonged to,” Peggy finished, smirking at her smug love and her very red and annoyed one. They were such idiots for each other, and she loved every inch of them for it.

“Thankfully though, our Peggy and I–” Bucky began before kissing her neck as she watched Steve watch them, pupils instantly blown. “Think alike. We haven’t had you - alone or otherwise–” he smirked, “–in over a  week , and that’s just cruel considering how amazing our time together has been thus far, we figure you missed us.”

“I do and not just the … this,” Steve answered, stammering a little but less terrified than before. Progress, she thought as she pulled him to her mouth by his skinny black tie, contrasting with his crisp new white shirt that she would later be told was courtesy of a shopping trip with Jarvis. Peggy really needed a right hand like him. They all knew they didn’t have time for anything intense, but Bucky was in a mood and if Peggy was being honest the idea of doing what they were doing with a room full of everyone that worked for her, with her and around her, judging her day in and out for every little decision that she made successful or otherwise; it was a nice subtle ‘fuck you’ to every one of them that used her, and were looking to use Steve again too. They belonged to no one in the other room, but to everyone in the room they were in, first and foremost, themselves.

Steve left the room first, his shirt a little mushed, his tie a little crooked. Peggy did her best to straighten him up as it were, but there was no fixing the blissed out look on his face or the hair that was now slightly askew. His shirt hid a pattern of sucked in marks, some with lipstick, some not, and if he was walking on a cloud of after orgasm, well that was just how things went.

“We’re a very bad influence on him,” she commented to Bucky when alone, allowing him to zip up her dress, having clipped her bra back in place. He placed a sweet kiss to her neck.

“Don’t even think that. He’s a little shit, he just hides it better than us. His favourite activity was making me worry for a living, Carter. He’s just as bad as us.”

She smiled then; each as bad as the other, she could work with that.

And as it turned out, she would be working with it, literally. The trip to Washington would once again change the shaky ground they stood on.

Soon all three of them would be back in service.

For better or for worse, Stark was right, War never really ends.

And theirs as it turned out, was only just beginning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love on this, here and on Tumblr it's v sweet and encouraging! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that 2015 is better to us than 2014 (groans). Oh, and hey, we get Ms Carter in a few days! Exciiited!
> 
> Review if you love, hell, even if you hate it, it's all constructive! ;)


	19. A lot of odd things happened in Belgium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve continues to readjust, Peggy killed a guy with her shoe once, and Bucky discovers he has a type.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Linds for being a great beta and even better enabler with this story! Sorry for the delay folks, I had most of this written two weeks ago but such is life. I hope you enjoy and leave a little comment if you do :D

 

The thing that Steve found the most strange since waking up was his lack of orders. There was no active war that he was a part of, he was no longer a soldier on duty; now there was just the world. The world he saved, the world he didn’t know, and one he was expected to live in. That little fact was one that everyone liked to remind him of, daily, sometimes thrice daily depending on how often he left the house. It was nice, it was sweet, and it was also incredibly uncomfortable for him. What did you say? You’re welcome? Glad you all didn’t die, but I did?

Many awkward conversations were had, that’s for sure.

Most of which involved Howard Stark.

“I’m just saying she was a nice girl,” he added, as his cook – this one’s name was Mark – smiled and served him up his scrambled eggs in the fanciest way he recalled ever seeing something so simple be laid out.

“Thank you.”

The man smiled again, Howard just nodded at him.

“She’s worked for us for a while so she’s totally vetted, and not a bad bone in her lush bod my friend. I wouldn’t set you up with a pale dame, Steve. She’s real smart, interesting I guess, she likes her music and wants to be a writer or a singer or … I don’t know, somethin’. What’s your deal anyway? Blondes? Brunettes? Big rack, small rack? Are you an ass man?”

_Steve missed the ice right then._

“I appreciate this, I really do. But I’m not really–”

“I know, it’s gotta be tough, I get that … well I don’t get that, I can’t get that, but at least I know I can’t know what you’re dealing with. So, what better way to deal with reality than to, you know, not?”

Steve smiled at the intentionally funny look Stark was giving him across the table.

“You’re saying create a fantasy to deal with this?”

“I create a lot of things to deal with life, why not this too. It’s what I do every weekend.”

Steve shook his head before taking a healthy sip of his coffee.

“I don’t need to know what you get up to in your free time, Howard,” he said with a smile, though he was pretty sure there were a lot of women and possibly a lot of drugs in the mix of his free time, but that just wasn’t Steve’s business. Especially considering what he had spent many a night the previous week doing with his two ‘platonic’ friends.

His face blushed at the thought, all the thoughts really. The vivid memories living in his brain of Peggy, wrecked and limber, and Bucky, smug and satisfied, and him …

“Anyway her name is Sarah, and at the party at least _attempt_ to have some fun?”

                                                                       *******

The day of the party came, and so did Howard’s butler Jarvis, into his bedroom with a scowl on his face to be exact.

“What is this?” he asked, snooty as you like, holding up Steve’s army duffel with all his clothes inside.

He cocked a brow and the man dropped it.

“This is _all_ you own, sir?”

“Uh, yes? And you don’t have to call me Sir, Steve’s just fine.”

“Captain Rogers–”

“Really?” It wasn’t that Steve didn’t accept his title, but it wasn’t as if he didn’t know that it was a gesture more than a rank that had been really earned. At least before … now, after the ice, things were still unclear. He knew he was Captain America, but wasn’t sure what that meant exactly.

“Captain, Mr Stark informs me you need to be, and I quote ‘properly kitted out for tonight, pal’ and so I must also inform you that I need your measurements.”

“Uh …”

“Or, if you’d rather accompany me, there are a few stores in the city that I trust, and will be prompt. It won’t take more than a couple of hours, and you really – really, sir, _need_ new things.” Which was how he ended up in upper Manhattan with a snooty butler who apparently knew his measurements just by looking at him? He got fitted for four suits and casual wear – who needed four suits?!

Him, apparently.

“If I may say so, it’s a pleasure to see Agent Carter be so happy upon your return, Sergeant Barnes also of course. Both exceptional people in their own fields, as much as Agent Carter would wish that Mr. Barnes would take a position at SHIELD, I dare say she’ll be happy to have you on the team once more,” Jarvis said with a slight smile while examining this one ‘charcoal’ suit before giving a nod to the tailor at his back. Seemingly one needed a, ‘classic colour, a navy and a grey,’ of course.

“It is nice,” Steve commented, shucking off the jacket. “To be home, to be … with friends again. I’m still not sure about my position or what I want to do, though Howard has some ideas.”

“Mmm he usually does.” He looked at Steve then. “Mr. Stark too of course, he was ever so relieved when he found you. It had been somewhat of an obsession of his for a long time.” The tinge of worry in the man’s voice made Steve’s stomach clench. He had stopped himself from thinking of what everyone had gone through while he was ‘gone’; their grief and just how long it had been for them.

“I … I’m sorry.” Was he? Was he meant to be? Bucky’s words rang in his mind about how he was Stark’s masterpiece. Was he nothing more than a science project to Howard?

The other man merely shook his head and smiled.

“No, Captain. It’s a joyous thing, at least _this_ time his obsession bore fruit. Now, let’s get you some shirts shall we?”

The party wasn’t awful. It wasn’t what they had agreed on either, but that was clearly never going to happen with Howard in the driving seat. He was nervous of course, but the rest of the Commando’s arrived together before everyone else and that served to loosen him up a lot. Well, that and Dum-Dum’s whiskey. He might not have been able to get drunk, but at least he felt a little more human, a little more like Steve Rogers, a little less … on show.

Seeing them walk in together made his heart skip and ache all at once. Bucky with his tall, self-assured swagger, looking strong and handsome in a suit fitted perfectly to his body. Steve inhaled a silent breath at their beauty, Peggy on his arm, their hair colours almost matching as they took in the room around them, whispering. She looked as regal as ever, though that was hardly a surprise. The woman looked put together and elegant on a war field soaking wet and covered in mud. In a form fitting dress and high heels it shouldn’t have been a surprise to him. And yet, it somehow was.

They were a beautiful couple, and a part of his brain whispered harshly that he should leave them be. That he had no business or right interfering in what they had spent all that time building together, that he should find someone new. The louder part of his brain however yelled a rather possessive ‘ _mine_!’ – It was an ongoing battle from the time Peggy suggested turning that perfect couple into a messy trio. He didn’t and couldn’t contain his smile when they approached him, nor could he contain his need to exit as soon as Peggy made it known that she wanted a ‘word in private.’

It wasn’t so much the words she wanted, as it was the actions.

And my God, what actions those were, he thought.

He left that room relaxed, sated and a little starry-eyed. He willed the blush to fade in his cheeks every time he caught either of their eyes afterward, forcing himself to mingle. He hated mingling, he had never been good at it and by the end of the party – and as it turned out being the Howard Stark Party Favour – he was pretty sure he hated people.

He slept for sixteen hours afterward, the longest since he ‘woke’. The first night free of nightmares sleeping alone too which he counted that as a win, even if waking up in a cold bed alone wasn’t what he really wanted. He knew things had to be the way they were, the press were still hounding him, and by extension Peggy and Bucky, and he was after all a national icon, and a national icon of catholic origins just couldn’t be seen shacking up with his two unmarried best friends, one of which was a known former love. The other, an unknown one.

Sometimes he really resented the skewed image of the accidental hero he became.

                                                           ****

 

“Okay just …” Bucky sighed before grabbing her shoulders softly, “just look out for him okay? He’s an idiot with _no_ sense of self preservation and I need you to be the voice of reason.”

Peggy smiled softly. His concern was endearingly beautiful.

“I promise I’ll stop Steve from killing himself or others if and when necessary, okay?”

At that they both turned to see Steve standing by the door, jar of peanut butter in hand, spoon in mouth.

Peggy grimaced.

“That’s funny, you asking her to look out for _me_ , that’s sweet really but–”

“Steve, there _is_ bread,” Peggy offered, cutting him off. She knew where this was going. He had that shit eating grin on his face, even with the spoon.

“Nah this is good as is, but honestly Bucky, our girl here … I mean you call ME reckless? The stories Howard told me, seems I should be the one keeping her on a–”

“Steve, really we’re going to be late, do you want a sandwich?” Peggy’s eyes went wide at him and it just made him grin wider. He had her.

Bucky looked from one to the other, clearly knowing he was missing out on something.

“Peggy what is he–”

“I mean did she tell you about the time she parachuted out of Howard’s plane, only to have the chute fail, and she landed in the goddamn Atlantic? I mean he got her and she had a safety jacket and all, but Jesus – I mean I got the serum to stop me from dying – sometimes literally – but that’s nothing compared to what happened in Belgium that one time he told me about.”

“Wait what happened in Belgium?”

“ _Nothing_ –” Peggy attempted but to no avail, he was on a roll.

Christ.

“She jumped on top of a speeding car and shot the guy through the roof, then the car, of course with a dead driver, crashed into a wall–”

“Is that the time you came home with the broken hand, Peg?”

Peggy merely shrugged. Might have been that time. Or was that the time she killed that guy with her shoe? A lot of odd things happened in Belgium.

“She’s so amazing, and I can’t _wait_ to see it up close and in person. We never got to run a mission together before and I’m excited to see what we can do, Peggy.”

Steve was, for all his trouble making, genuinely excited. It was sweet, but she still wanted to kick him in the shin for telling Bucky these things. They would only make him worry so much more, and that was a thing she had attempted to keep to a minimum for years.

She merely looked sheepishly at Bucky as Steve helped himself to another spoonful of peanut butter.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph there’s two of you,” he said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes and she swore if she listened carefully there was a worry ulcer forming as they stood there.

“It’ll be fine. It’s just meetings, I promise.”

“Mhmm,” Bucky answered as Steve moseyed off to the kitchen again, maybe this time to eat jam from the jar, she wondered. Bucky crossed his arms and raised his brows at her.

“Why you never let me know any of this stuff, Carter hmm?”

She sighed, playing with the buttons on his blue shirt.

“Because I don’t like you to worry, and you do, like a Catholic mother on prom night,” she said with a smile, forcing his arms down and allowing him to envelop her in a hug. “Besides, worrying changes _nothing_ , and I like you thinking all I do is push paper.”

“It is all you do. In my head you work on a cloud, all safe and soft and unhurt and not … jumping on to a speeding car, really?”

“It was only gathering speed, if that helps, really speeding is overstating things, he was already wounded so really–”

He pulled her into a hug then, making her laugh.

“I promise it’s just meetings, and we’ll be back in two days. Now, go say goodbye to Steve while I put my bags in the car,” she added, kissing him softly, longingly before pulling back.

“I can do that for y–”

“Go say goodbye to Steve, and then go study for your test. Peggy’s orders.” She gave him her best resolve face, though he never feared it.

He smirked instead, offering the most sarcastic salute she’d ever seen.

“Ma’am, yes Ma’am.”

The drive to Washington would take a few hours in good traffic. That evening they had a dinner meeting with a few private investors, friends of Stark, one of whom Peggy already knew. The next day was back to back meetings on the hill.

She was tired just thinking about it.

 

                                                           ****

There was only so much fake laughter Steve could stomach. The dinner was dragging into drinks, and he knew by Peggy’s tight smile and tired eyes that she’d had about enough. The financial guys that Howard was friends with were nice enough; fascinated by him, by the serum, by the myths and legends that had popped up in his absence, all of which they wanted to discuss – at length. Peggy had, bless her soul, intervened more than once when the topic got too personal, but then of course it got turned on her and, ‘how awkward it must be, being involved with your ex's best friend and all that now.’ Peggy, like the pro she was, took it all in stride, but by the time she had made their excuses – citing very real meetings then next morning – he was never as glad to be out in the fresh air and away from preying judgmental eyes. The drive up there had been freeing, the weather was starting to get a little bit warmer, but it didn’t bother him like it used to anymore either way. He was glad Peggy could have her window down a little, some fresh air in the car as she drove them, pointing out houses and stores on their way, making up stories about other drivers in other cars; she said it was something she liked to do, to imagine what normal people unaware of the violent world they lived in, what they were doing with their day, to pass her long journeys. It was a fun game, until it became a sad one. All the couples passing them by struck a chord. Some with kids, and even a pair of newlyweds still in their wedding attire.

“It’s fine. We’re just not a normal couple, that’s all,” she said with a smile, though it didn’t reach her eyes. He knew that feeling. All he’d ever wanted to be, all his life, was normal. He guessed though that it was just never on the cards. Not as a sickly kid that couldn’t play with the neighbourhood kids in case he got hurt, they branded him ‘odd.’ Not when he fell in love with Bucky, branding himself broken and sick in the head as well as the body. Not when he signed up for a job in the army, only to become the poster boy for everything he knew he wasn’t not inside anyway, and not now, with the one girl he ever fell in love with, and the one guy he’d ever fell in love with having them both in a weird little trio of oddness was just what his life was.

“Who needs normal anyway,” she reassured, her hand on his, patting it lovingly.

And he had to hold on to that, he knew. Their normal was just that, theirs. It didn’t have to be the same as anyone else and neither did he. It just took some getting used to.

Holding on to it and her as they walked back in the crisp night air to their hotel was a normal he took advantage of. To the rest of the world they were just like anyone else, even if they knew better.

“I like Washington. It’s got a different feel than New York, less hectic maybe?” He commented, taking in their street view, the leafy trees, and the decidedly less insane pedestrian traffic.

“Yes,” she said, following his eye line. “I do like it too, though it doesn’t hold as many bad memories for me now as it did before.”

“Why is that?”

“It’s where James and I–”

She looked at him then, seemingly shy. Shaking her head she replied, “Well, I mean before I would come here alone – for work mostly, but once a year I would come here … for you.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

A chill ran through him then, one he was certain had nothing to do with the night air. Dead men weren’t meant to know who mourned for them and how. It was yet another odd realisation.

“You would?” He tried to keep his voice casual, though his insides were twirling.

She nodded.

“And so would James of course. At first of course we kept our distance. There was an icy chill between us that, looking back on, still makes me laugh.” She was shy about this, he could tell by her inability to look at him. “But of course as you know that faded, in its place there bloomed a friendship of sorts, an odd one, but something resembling one for a time.”

“Until it was more,” he stated, unable to really fight the small smile that broke out on his face. He loved them both, that much was true, but that didn’t mean that the idea of either of his grieving lonely loves finding solace with each other didn’t warm his heart at least a little. Even if everything still hurt in ways he couldn’t explain.

She rolled her eyes then, but she too was unable to fight her smile, hers more genuinely happy than his.

“Yes, well, that’s another story for another time,” she replied as they reached the hotel lobby.

“But one I’d still like to hear,” he reassured her now, softly.

They took the elevator in silence. His room was to the opposite side of the hallway to hers, he started to dig out his key.

“What are you doing?” she asked quietly as they parted, her key already out of her small purse and in the door.

“Well I’m going to my room?”

She had a funny look on her face, one that he recognised as a _‘oh Steve’_ moment, before she took his hand and led him into her room.

“Unless of course you want to be–”

“No, I want this,” he spoke, rushed as his face heated slightly at her smile before she kicked off her shoes.

“Good, I’m glad. We … we missed you in bed you know? Not just …” she waved her hand. “That, but just having you there with us. The extra heating for example,” she joked as she shed her coat.

“I missed you too, both of you, and not just the … sex stuff.”

She laughed then.

“That’s good, that’s really good. Soon enough things will die down and we can find a routine again.”

_Finding their normal._

“Speaking of routine, I need a shower, but I promised Bucky we’d call, so do you want to shower first or shall I?”

“Ladies first,” he said, gesturing to the bathroom door to the left of the rather large perfectly made bed in the middle of the hotel room. There was a phone by the bed so as she nodded, heading to her bags to grab her toiletries, he shucked off his coat, undid his tie, flipped off his shoes and made himself comfortable on the bed.

It took a few rings but Bucky answered, a mouthful of food evident as he spoke and chewed.

“Classy, Really Buck.”

“Hey! How’s Washington?”

Peggy was tucked away in the bathroom, the sound of the running shower drowning out her curses as she dropped what sounded like her shampoo.

“It’s good, I mean, it was just dinner and–”

“Corporate ass kissing with Stark?”

“That.” He sighed. “It went fine, but man, people sure are nosy these days.”

“People were always nosy, Steve, we just weren’t interesting then.”

“And we are now?”

“Eh. You are, I guess, you little freak of science and all that.”

“Dick.”

Bucky laughed at his exasperated tone.

“Is Peggy charming them as always?”

“She do this a lot?”

“Weasel money out of rich assholes to fund training and education for their new agents? Yeah, pretty much. I saw her do it to this senator once; it was a thing of beauty. She had him believing it was all his idea. It was a little scary, but so hot.”

Bucky was still eating and talking about her so casually. The ache in his heart was starting to feel unwelcome after hearing how happy she made Bucky, how happy he knew she made him too … how could he even resent it a little?

“She’s showering.”

Would he mind? Was this okay? That he was there? She had asked him after all; they both had before … they both … _wanted_ him, even if the other wasn’t present, right? He wondered.

“Mhmm. She has this whole hair thing she does. It’s fascinatingly odd, and women have a lot of shit to do apparently. You staying with her tonight?”

Steve paused, still unsure.

“I – She asked me to.”

“‘K,” Bucky answered, still light and casual. “It’ll be good for you both to get some time alone I guess? Haven’t had much of that yet, I mean, real time to talk and … stuff.”

Stuff.

Sex stuff?

“She’s pretty wiped, we’re probably just going to–”

“Steve?”

“Yeah Buck?”

“You’re nervous about something; I can hear it in your voice, what’s wrong?”

Jesus, sometimes he hated how well Bucky knew him.

“I just … it’s nothing. I’m dumb.”

“Well I know that, Bud.”

“Ass.”

“Mhmm, what’s wrong with you? Don’t tell me being alone with Peggy’s makin’ you nervous? You’ve been _inside_ her Steve; there should be no more nerves.”

“God – _Bucky_!”

That set him off cackling down the phone line.

“Jesus, Rogers you are too easy. I bet you’re blushing it up right nice right now ain’t you?”

“Sometimes I wonder why I bother with you.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, wistfully. “Me too, now spill?”

“It’s just … everything is still so new, I guess, and I’m just not … not comfortable. Not to say I’m uncomfortable, but I kinda am?”

“You’re also making no sense? Is this Stark’s shit or our shit?”

“Ours.”

“Ah. I see.”

“Yeah, I mean it’ll pass, right?”

There was a pause and Steve could hear him breathing before he spoke, more softly than before.

“I hope so, for all our sakes.”

Steve nodded then, though no one could see him.

“I just want everyone to be happy, that’s all.”

“Yeah me too. Though, Peg will remind you, you can’t please everyone all of the time, logical dame that she is.”

“She catches you callin’ her a dame and she’ll kick your ass.”

That made Bucky laugh again, “Yeah you have no idea. Listen, Steve, this is new, all of it, and you’ve been through hell. It’s not going to feel normal and right straight out of the gate. We got issues, all of us, and we gotta work through ‘em, that’s what being part of a …whatever we are, whatever we’re gonna be … is all about.”

“When did you get so level headed?”

“Since I stopped getting into fights for you and getting kicked in the head. It levelled out right nice this past while. Got some of my sense back, some of my smarts too.”

Steve smiled. Bucky had always been smart, smarter than him that’s for damn sure. Steve had always been good with a pencil or a brush, but only for broad strokes and details, never for words and feelings and facts.

“How’s the paper going?”

“Eh, it’s going. I got a study group tomorrow, and I hand it in on Monday. Last one of the semester thank God.”

“We’re back Sunday night.”

“Right, listen you should – I mean if you want to … see my campus? See my, well where I been studying and stuff, I know you like that sorta thing.”

He agreed, of course he did. He wanted to see and experience everything he’d missed from being gone, and Bucky embracing his smarts was definitely one of those things. Peggy came out of the bathroom then, in a haze of steam, wrapped in a large white towel with another wrapped up in some kind of weird towel hat thing on her head. She was free of makeup and damp, her nose and cheeks were red, and Steve had a hard time not smiling. He said his goodbyes to Bucky, and handed her the phone, she told him where the clean towels were in the closet if he needed them and off he went.

It was disgustingly domestic, and he loved every second of it.

                                                                       *****

 

“Honestly, it takes the mystery out of everything, living together. It’s why most women don’t do it until there’s a ring, that way he’s trapped and so when he sees you without your makeup and rollers in your hair like Medusa. He can’t run because he swore in front of god, for better or worse,” Peggy laughed, slipping into bed next to Steve. He was smiling at her, as if she could ever look anything other than beautiful. To him it didn’t matter, and he was sure to Bucky too. She was just as beautiful barefaced as she was all dolled up, he told her that too, but she just rolled her eyes.

“You’re sweet,” she answered before cuddling in, both of them facing each other. “Did you enjoy dinner? I know Howard is a little full on when he’s on show, but he really gets the figures we need for funding more often than not. Tomorrow, with the Senators and Congressmen, SSR and us, hopefully everything will get sorted out.”

By everything they meant SHIELD funding, plans for the future, and Steve’s agenda. Was he still ‘Captain America’ and if so what exactly did that mean now that the war was over?

His stomach was in knots just thinking about it.

“You don’t have to decide…” she attempted but he knew she was just trying to be nice.

“But I kind of do though. I’m the only one still … there has been no advancement with the serum Stark says, and well, sure, we’re not at world war, but I know there are other wars that need allies. Other people that need a–”

“Hero?”

He cringed.

“A chance, in whatever form that comes in.”

“I just don’t want them pushing you into anything you aren’t ready for. Same goes for James and I, we don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. Steve, you’ve done your duty, you can retire if that’s what you’d like.”

“You really think they’d allow that? I am their masterpiece after all.”

She looked at him strangely then, so he clarified.

“Bucky said that to me once, it stuck. I guess being the only ‘super soldier’ I’d feel kinda shitty if I just up and left to do … whatever. God I wouldn’t even know what TO do.”

“You can do anything, go anywhere. You’ve almost a decade of back pay, and that hefty bonus I arranged for you. I’m tempted to make them call it the Christ Cash, but I think that would offend too many people. Even if you and he do have a few things in common.” She laughed, making him laugh before she scooted over, under his arm and laid her head on his chest. For a second he held his breath. This was new. He liked this. Cuddling with a girl was a lot different than it was with Bucky. If you even called it _cuddling_ , Steve remembered, Bucky’d sock him in the arm and roll his eyes.

“You don’t talk about it,” she whispered after a minute or so of comfortable silence, her fingers playing with the fabric of his t-shirt, because he wasn’t sure if toplessness was appropriate until she said either way.

“It?”

She looked up at him then, and he got it.

“Oh that, the dying but not dying thing.”

“Yes, that.”

He shrugged. What was there to say.

_Besides everything._

No, he wasn’t ready for that conversation. He wasn’t sure he ever really would be. How it had felt knowing that this time it was over. After so many times of ‘almost’ dying from sickness, ‘almost’ dying from getting his head stepped on by a guy twice his size, ‘almost’ getting blown up by a hydra bomb.

Knowing was a lot different than the idea of a maybe. Then there was the slow descent into what he assumed was death. The cold, the water, the slow but oddly peaceful freezing of his limbs, and then his organs in said freezing water, and then there was the part where he couldn’t hold his head up any longer as the plane sank further and further, the burning in his lungs that catapulted him back to ’39 and one of the worst asthma attacks he remembered. He had Bucky then, holding him close, helping him breathe, he remembered wishing how Bucky would have been there again, whispering reassurances and keeping him grounded.

In the end he was, even if it was all only in Steve’s head.

“It was quick, Peggy. I hardly remember anything beyond talking to you,” he lied, making sure not to look at her, nor to move.

“If you’re sure you don’t want to–”

“I’m sure, we should get some sleep yeah?”

She looked up, her pensive face making way for a smile before leaning up further to kiss him, her pink curlers bopping him on the nose on the way.

“Unless you want to do something else?” she offered, and he did, of course he did. But his mind was now on that plane, and not so much on the woman in his arms. He hated his brain.

“I’d love to, you know that, I … just …”

Sensing his discomfort she nodded, kissing him again, this time without the heat.

“Sleep, we’ve got plenty of time for everything else once tomorrow is done with.”

“Sure. Plenty of time,” he said, kissing her temple as he reached over and switched off the lamp. The reassuring weight of her against him felt like heaven, the smell of her soap and the feel of her hand on his chest, it kept him grounded, so unlike what happened when he slept alone.

She was right, they had plenty of time. Little did he know then just how much time they would have.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm. I keep hinting at what's to come have you guessed yet? I love hearing from you guys on this it's always a treat for me, either here in the comments or come chat about it on Tumblr, I'm Chaneladdict.tumblr.com over there too! xo
> 
> Ps. How amazing was Agent Carter? I was a little giddy seeing so much of 'my' Peggy in the real one on screen ngl! :DD


	20. A Walk Among the Tombstones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Such intense virtue for a man with a mouth like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the delay but I hope you like the update! Big thanks to Linds for being my beta and encouraging my crazy ideas! Hit me up on tumblr if you have one! Let's chat! Chaneladdict.tumblr.com xo

Feet hitting the pavement, over and over, harder and faster, rain, hail or shine; it was a comforting consistency that he enjoyed. He enjoyed the pain, the pull, the burn. With Peggy and Steve gone and his schooling done, it left him with little to do but worry. He promised them he wouldn’t, so in lieu of that he kept his mind and body busy. The gym, the pavements of Brooklyn all feeling his wrath.

Home, though empty, was still comforting. He showered quickly, leaving his stubble. No one to scratch up for a couple of days meant it could stay. Peggy liked it, though she liked it more when it went soft and not hard against her skin. Steve was the opposite, of course. Wiping the steam from the mirror he took in his appearance. The same, always the same. Sure he could grow a beard or a ‘stashe of some sort – Peggy abhorred them so it wasn’t ever really an option on the latter, but it wouldn’t change his appearance, not like time should have by now, at least a little.

Instead, no, he looked the same. The _same_ as the day Steve dragged him off that table in Italy. Not a fine line deeper or a hair grayer, and he knew it was genetic – his father went grey at thirty. His mother insisted it was distinguished and his father would roll his eyes and insist he looked like an old man before his time. Bucky didn’t look like an old man before his time, though a small part of him wished for it.

By the time he had dressed and cooked something to eat it was almost time for his appointment. Saturdays every other week, Mondays the weeks that corresponded, he made his way into the city, into the nondescript warehouse belonging to Howard Stark, where he was met by the usual crew. Two doctors, one for the body, one for the mind, Stark himself if he was in town, and of course the ever present machines.

He was crazy; he knew that. Before the Nazis got their hands on him he was always a little too reckless – though never as much as Steve. He was on a whole other level of dumbass. But Bucky knew he was never really a normal boy. Falling in love with his guy best friend had guaranteed him formative years filled with guilt and doubt and pain and suffering, and that was before taking into account his catholic upbringing. As if he needed more of those things heaped onto his already piling high plate of sin.  But the Zola kind of crazy was something he needed to know the details of once and for all, the education he had walked into had helped clarify some things to a point but not all, and with Steve back and the itch to get back into the field returned, he wanted everything on the level, out in the open, cards on the table, whatever they wanted to call it. He wanted it done. So, he let them poke at him, his body, and his mind, ask him questions repeatedly, write in their little pads, and nod to each other sporadically.

All the while he fought the urge to vomit at the memories it invoked.

It was like being in the chair in Italy, the chair, the bed, the table, except not. Here, it was by his choosing. Here, he could get up and leave when he needed to – and he needed to a lot. There, there was not choice or freedom or escape from the pain. At least with Stark’s quacks it was pain free, most of the time.

Most of the time.

But he had to know, for them now not just for himself.

******

Peggy tapped the pencil against her finger, over and over, in time with her toe against the leg of the table.

_ Tap, tap, tap. _

The dull sounds of the men talking had forced her to zone out minutes before, no one was listening to her and she had talked for a long time as it was. Why should she grant them the respect she was refused?

Oh right, because she was a woman in a man’s job  and they never ceased to remind her of that. That, or they not so subtly questioned her relationship to Stark, because of course it must be sexual and she was just his prop.

How wrong they were.

“Agent Carter, your requests are rather troubling,” one senator commented, looking through the files they had submitted weeks before. Peggy merely glanced at Stark, who shrugged.

“How so, sir?”

“Request for desegregation of potential agents, adding in, and I quote, ‘a fair and open hiring and recruiting process for all, regardless of creed, colour, sex or social status,’ I am to assume you meant N–”

“Sir, with all due respect I feel that the … short sighted outlook within our current recruiting process is limiting the potential of the future of SHIELD.” That forced a grimace out of the old white haired men at the table, surrounding her and Stark. Howard stepped in, easing her honesty with a little sleazy charm.

“Fellas she has a point, we’ve had applications from military men … and women from all over the world who’ve got wind of our little startup here, I think that given free rein it would be prudent to allow such liberties.”

“We can’t have that; it would give them the wrong idea,” said the one with the strong southern accent. Shocker.

“Them? Senator? Here I was, assuming that SHIELD was being put in place to protect and serve all citizens, not just Americans. Not just white American men, more specifically.”

Her heated response made Howard sigh and she didn’t care, this shit really grinded her gears.

“What she means to say fellas is that during the war Agent Carter was at the top of her game, really, and in that position was accustomed to working alongside all the interesting and diverse walks of life that fight for our freedoms. She and I see that SHIELD should be no different. A soldier is a soldier; their blood bleeds for us no matter the colour of skin it drips from, no?”

They looked at one another, some sort of silent old man code was being passed she was sure of it.

“There will be a cap on … non-whites,” the old fucker from Virginia forced himself to say, eyeing Peggy like she just spat on his mother. He continued, “a cap on how many _females_ , and a cap on how many are hired per year and we’re being extremely generous at that.”

Peggy ground her teeth so hard she was sure they would snap. The rest of the meeting went about the same.

She was exhausted.

*****

“Honest to bloody Christ Steve, it is unbelievable how after everything they’ve seen, everything they know, they could still sit there like idiots and debate over a person’s value simply because of the colour of their bloody skin!!” Peggy ranted as she and Steve made their way along the quieter streets of Washington, having been set free from The Hill. They had grabbed hot dogs from a vender and dawdled along at a leisurely pace, the early spring air a nice change of pace from the suffocating racism and sexism she had to breathe in all damn day. She took his arm and he smiled and she smiled and it was almost like a little date, it was almost normal.

“It is shocking that it’s still like it was. You’d think hey, there are things like genetically enhanced soldiers fighting legitimate evil guys in this thing but a regular Joe can’t be because he’s a different shade than some? It’s messed up is what it is.”

She nodded noticing he had all but inhaled his tiny hot dog. They needed a proper dinner, at least he did. She felt almost too angry to eat. Instead she chose to take several deep breaths. Bucky had always reminded her to breathe,  ‘ _ Breathe Carter or your heart’s gonna explode with anger if you don’t,’ _ he’d say when she went off on one of her rants. It made her smile.

“I’m sorry we were forcefully kept apart today, they kept me busy. Apparently there is a world security council being formed. Shows you their trust in Howard, truth be told I’m not all that unhappy about having an outside apparently unbiased party overseeing things, but still. Oh, and plans for a SHIELD Academy of all things. Good Lord. They are digging their heels in about you though, insisting that the USSR threat needs to be taken care of by the best, and I assume that’s what you were bombarded with?”

She had heard the phrase ‘The Captain’s British Bulldog’ muttered more than once, but she chose to take it as a compliment because she could and she would bite anyone in the arse that came for him. It had come as no surprise that they wanted to get him alone.

He nodded.

“Pretty much. A lot of patriotic chatter that ultimately didn’t mean much. I think most of the time they still saw me as the war bonds poster boy, you know? I’m not that guy; I never was. At least not to the extent they seem to think. That guy was an act, and the only reason anyone anywhere saw me as anything other than a dancing monkey was down to Bucky being threatened and you believing in me enough to help me.” He sighed, rolling his eyes. “I love my country, don’t get me wrong, of course I do, but I’m not above recognising our mistakes and prejudices either.”

“But they failed to see that?”

“When one of them suggested jokingly that we go full out on the MAD and be done with it I just about walked out. Jesus, I mean I just heard about atomic bombs? Howard … I … There’s been so much …” He shook his head again as they turned the corner. “They asked me to come back to serve, I … told them I needed to get my life on track first, find somewhere to live, that sort of thing before I jumped back into active duty, so it’s bought me a week or so I guess? They weren’t happy but what can they do?”

“Not much, they want to keep you sweet. Me, they don’t give a shit about me, but you they want to keep on their side.”

They didn’t need anything from Howard other than for him to control his mouth from time to time, not that that was ever enforced.

“Do I  want  to be on their side?”

Peggy laughed as they approached their hotel.

“Your own Government, Captain? How could you question such a thing? Don’t you know they are all good and pure and only out to help you?”

He laughed again, this time ushering her into the hotel lobby and to the elevator.

“I was thinking we could order dinner in tonight. I’m not much in the mood for a social setting,” Peggy suggested and he sighed happily.

“God yes, that sounds perfect.”

****

An hour and half, two bottles of wine, two large steak dinners with extra fries for Steve and extra wine for Peggy, a phone call to Bucky to mutually complain and have him laugh at them from a distance, they were laid back, digesting their day and playing it back for each other.

“You know, honestly Stark wants to put people in space? I mean isn’t that just crazy?” Steve mused, having had a discussion at length the previous evening, it wasn’t so crazy for Howard. Normal people, yes, but Peggy just assumed whatever Howard put his mind to, that he’d do, eventually.

“Stranger things have happened,” she answered, getting up to slip off her stockings, and her belt around her skirt.

He was laid back, sans shoes but fully dressed on her double bed. He was watching her intently. She found she rather liked it, even if she felt her cheeks heat up – still.

“Hey Peggy?” he asked in a whisper, biting his lip in wait.

“Hm?” she stalled.

“Can I draw you sometime?”

She held back a smile, because she was undressing in front of him and that’s where his brain went. He was adorable.

“Darling, you can draw me whenever the notion takes you.”

He smiled then, bright and true and god her heart ached, but she started on the buttons on her blouse.

“Wait,” he said, shifting off the bed and padding to where she stood barefoot.

Steve popped one button and placed a kiss on the skin it exposed. She tried so hard not to shiver.

Popped another and did the same.

_ Pop, pop, pop. _

Until he had kissed his way to her bellybutton and was on his knees. She bit her lip and closed her eyes at the gentle reverence of it all.

She assumed he would stand then, take her to bed, but instead he merely manoeuvred her so the backs of her legs grazed the mattress as she stood, then leaned in to kiss his way down her thigh, feeling her heart beat faster when his mouth reached her femoral artery. Her breath caught in her throat as he slid his fingers into her underwear, sliding them down her thighs, letting them pool at her feet before looking up at her, such intense virtue for a man with a mouth like  that .

 

With Peggy’s hands in his hair, petting and grasping, he dipped so slightly and with more grace than you’d imagine his size would allow.

And  _ oh . _

_ Okay. _

_ God bless those USO girls. _

“Just how – how many girls did you, OH!” Peggy gripped onto his hair a little tighter to save from losing her balance. “Practice on, _exactly_?”

She felt him smile before he licked and sucked, even more determined. That earned him an electrifying moan as the arch of her body pushed against his tongue as he lapped it over her again and slide his large hand up her body, slowly easing her down on the bed. She came twice in quick succession before he snaked himself up on his feet with no show of cramp or pain, shucking his shirt and pants before rolling them both further into the large bed.

It wasn’t long before she had him pinned, knowing he was giving up every bit of fight and letting her was a huge turn on for Peggy, something about having him so exposed but knowing it was nothing but pleasure for both of them spurred her on as he helped her with both hands grasping her butt, his lips on her neck or on her breasts.

Steve, as much as Bucky attested to his preoccupations with women’s legs and ass, was fascinated by her breasts. It made her laugh.

The fact that he muttered a string of obscene words in her ear his eyes shut and his skin pinkened as he came just made it all the funnier.

She never did get a number.

******

“Shoes…  _ shoes … _ ” Steve whispered to himself as he all but hopped around the dark hotel room, looking for his missing left shoe.

“Mmm go back to sleep.”

“Can’t I’m meeting Gabe for breakfast, remember?”

Peggy groaned into her pillow. She had forgotten he was in town for work too and they had plans.

“Mmk. Shh.”

She heard him laugh.

“I’m meeting you for lunch still, right?”

“Yes. At two, I have another meeting until then from noon. What time is it?”

“Just after eight.”

She groaned again.

“There it is!” he said to himself before bouncing back to where she laid and sprawling himself all but on top of her, moving to kiss her on the cheek.

“See you later, Peg.”

“Mm, later, see you,” she mumbled, and he took a second to admire how adorable she was, her hair all askew, and remains of her makeup still on her face. He knew she’d be mortified that she fell asleep with it on, but he didn’t care. It was moments like that that he held on to. The funny real reality of it all, the little moments of unguarded living.

“Love you,” he chanced as he pulled back, and he saw her smile, still half asleep.

“Love you too. You make so much noise, but love you too,” she returned before snuggling back under the too-white duvet. He smiled big and wide before he grabbed his jacket and attempted to sneak out quietly.

That was a success until of course he came face to shocked face with a hung-over Howard Stark.

“Uh,” Stark began, his eyes widening as he took in a dishevelled Steve coming out of what was clearly NOT his own room.

“Howard! Hi.”

“Uh … hi.”

“Hi,” Steve repeated, trying to shove his foot into his shoe, jacket still in hand, shirt wrinkled, hair … god only knew what his hair was doing. “Um, I have a breakfast meeting with an old friend, but we should um, catch up before we head back to New York, make sure we’re all on the same page.”

“Uh huh yeah sure pal, that sounds … that sounds great,” Howard said, weary-eyed but looking at the room number behind Steve.

“Good night?” he asked, and berated himself for asking. Just get away from him and his questioning gaze Steve!

“Yeah, date … well  sorta  date, mostly sex and food so I guess it was sorta a date.”

Steve laughed because his night had been remarkably similar, though he wasn’t going to admit to that.

“Well, I’ll see you later, Howard.” He clapped the man on the back as he passed, exhaling slowly and hoping the guilt he felt wasn’t written all over it his. Which means it probably was.

Great . 

***

It was official, Peggy hated people.

Rather, she hated politicians. It had been true years before and every time she had to deal with them it just reasserted itself as the opinion of life; politicians were scum.

“Racist arseholes the lot of them,” she muttered to Stark as they exited their last meeting for the time being with the Washington crew. She could not have been more glad.

“I hear you.”

“You do, huh? Did you hear me in there?”

“Peg, I think the whole building heard you in there. I mean it’s one thing to look out for Steve’s interests and SHIELD’s but to start harping on about race again–”

“HARPING ON? Excuse me? Do you not agree that this country, that the world is arse backwards on race? Did we not have this discussion a million times?”

“Yes, we did and you know where I stand. The more the merrier, the party is big enough for everything you KNOW that. But it just takes time. That’s all.”

She wished she could believe that.

“You know they almost didn’t give Jones or Morita their medals for serving with Steve? Can you stand there and tell me that this is okay?”

Stark shook his head as they got to the parking lot.

“It takes time, Peg, and with people like you hopefully not much time.”

“And you,” she added, and he nodded, smiling, as if to say ‘exactly’. She hated when it came to things besides money how little faith Howard Stark had in himself. “They can stick their hiring cap up their arse. I’ll hire who I damn well see fit.” She cocked a brow at him then, as if daring him to disagree.

“Yes, Dear.”

She shoved him playfully as he opened the car door for her.

“Where to Ma’am?”

“Can you drop me at Arlington? I’m meeting Steve.”

Howard pursed his lips at that as the car roared to life. It took him ten more minutes of silence before he spoke again, and when he did, she found it odd.

“So, how’s Bucky lately?”

She looked at him curiously, he never asked after Bucky. Mostly because he always got the standard ‘fine,’ and while they had buried whatever axe they had to grind during the war, things between them were still rather cool, in the icy sense of the word.

“He’s fine, he’s good. Finishing up for the semester, working hard, working with their history department on the side for one of the professors that is working on a WWII book series, so that keeps him occupied.”

“Hm.” Howard took the left hand turn a little sharper than necessary. “You know he and me … we never really had much love for one another over the years, right?”

“I do, though I don’t pretend know why.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Mm. That’s what he says… Why are we talking about this Howard?”

He chewed his lip.

“I just … don’t really know the guy that well, but I know he loves you. He loves you and he’s good to you, right? Makes you happy?”

She was officially confused.

“Yes, of course. Where are you–”

“I’m just sayin’ pal, that he’s  been  there. Been there for a long time, and that kind of relationship deserves respect.”

“You think I don’t respect him?” she asked, shocked.

“No, I’m sure you do. I just … see how … um … close you and Steve are and–”

“Oh. I see. Are you implying something I should take offense for over here, Howard?”

He looked at her.

“Should I be?”

There was a silent stare-off for a tense few seconds as Peggy decided what to do. Ultimately, she knew it wasn’t just about her, and while she didn’t much care what Howard threesomes-are-my-Wednesday-night Stark thought of her activities, it wasn’t just her personal life to consider, it was Bucky and Steve’s too, and that made it none of his business.

Instead they both broke eye contact and Peggy fiddled with the radio.

“It gives it to rain later; I should have brought a brolly.”

“Mmm, I have a spare in the trunk you can take that.”

“Thank you.”

He nodded, watching the traffic in front of him.

They spent the rest of the ride in silence.

Neither of them addressed it again.

****

Steve had spent a good twenty minutes walking around the graves, taking in the names and ages, ranks and quotes. He had steeled himself to go in at all, knowing that the men in those graves hadn’t had the second chance he had, would never get the chance to see their families and live their lives, let alone the surreal experience of seeing their own grave. He waited for her by a big oak by one of the fences. He’d seen Stark’s car drop her off and out she got with that air of wonder that seemed to follow her. She was wearing a flowing skirt in an army green that reminded him of what she’d been wearing when he first met her, though this was much more feminine paired with a cream blouse and a jacket in a light beige. She took a large umbrella out of the trunk of Howard’s car before waving him off. She spotted him almost instantly, her face lighting up.

He loved that it was directed at him.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Steve?” she asked on approach as she leaned in to kiss him. There was no one around, so it was fine, and he knew she knew that, but he also felt a stab of something he couldn’t name that he now had two people he loved and would never be able to show that love in public.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I think I need to see it? I mean I know you said the city … the SSR are gonna take it down now but I think–”

She nodded, linking her arm with his.

“Right then, it’s over here.”

They walked in silence for a little bit, bypassing graves and neatly kept grass. Then he saw it, and it was all but covered in flowers.

“Is that normal?”

“Mmm. It was to start, then it tapered off for a while, but I think with you being back people are just … well people are strange.” Her facial expression made him laugh as something crawled through his stomach as he saw his name and date of birth on the headstone. That old saying of ‘someone walking over your grave’ rang in his ears. He heard his mother say it clear as if she were standing next to him.

“This is … I don’t know, I guess most men don’t get to see this.”

He felt stupid then, of course most people didn’t because they were dead. And unless the second coming came around for everyone, no one got to do this but him.

Well, him and Jesus as Bucky liked to mock.

His mother was probably turning over in her grave at such jokes.

“No, they don’t,” she added softly, rubbing his back with her free hand. “James hated it. Said it was gaudy and over the top and that if anything there, ‘shoulda been one in Brooklyn’,” she smiled. “He was always meaning to add your name to your parents gravestone, but I don’t think he could ever bring himself to actually do it.”

His father had passed before he was born, and he had been lucky to have had his mother as long as he did, considering. Bucky’s folks and his three sisters all passed when they were away at war. An outbreak of Polio in the summer of ’44 took them all out within months of each other.

Bucky never talked about it.

“Yeah, he hates graveyards, says they give him the creeps.”

She smiled.

“He spent time here though, came every year like clockwork.”

“Like you did.” He smiled at her, oddly thankful knowing he had people that cared enough about him – the real him and not the propaganda machine, as he noted all the notes on the flowers were to ‘Captain America’ not one to  Steve .

“Like I did, yes.”

“And you guys fell in love here?”

She cocked a brow at him, laughing.

“Oh no, no, we got drunk here a couple of times though, lots of awkward silences and moody man moods from him, though truthfully my moods were probably just as cutting. No. I think we fell in something here, but it wasn’t love.”

“That happened later?”

“Much later. Well. A little later.” She smiled and he wanted desperately to know what she was remembering. He wanted to push aside the constant ache in his heart so badly.

“Will you tell me about it sometime?”

She smiled again, searching his eyes for something, he didn’t know what, before she offered up her arm.

“Talk a walk with me, Captain, and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

He was glad he did, he was glad she was there, warm and beautiful, full of life. He was glad, in a place surrounded by death, that he could take a walk with the prettiest girl he’d ever known and listen to one of the nicest love stories he’d ever heard.

It warmed something inside him that he hadn’t realised was still cold from the ice.

He held on to that, and her, and her stories of Bucky like a life raft.

_ He wasn’t drowning anymore. _

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading don't forget I love to hear what you think :D


	21. Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve makes a decision, Peggy has inappropriate timing to ask religion questions, and Bucky goes outside in his underwear.  
> (Or ... Everybody gets laid and some plans go to hell.)

 

* * *

 

Washington had drained them both. The drive back the next day had been a quiet one, neither of them struggling to fill silences between the songs on the radio and little titbits of random information either one thought of here or there. Steve drove them home, and when the roads got quiet he took the greatest innocent pleasure in holding Peggy’s hand with his free one.

“The interviews with the Washington press went well though,” Steve said after a few minutes of silence as Peggy hummed along to a tune on the radio he wasn’t familiar with yet. He wasn’t familiar with a lot of things anywhere anymore. “They were nice. Strangely less cynical than the New York press,” he mused with a smile, making her laugh.

“Yes, odd that New Yorkers would be cynical …”

“Well, we can’t all be like the Brits with their stiff upper lips and country invading ways.”

That got him a nip on the arm.

“Oi. Enough of that, thank you very much.”

“God save the King, right?” he mocked and she glared playfully.

“God save us all from boisterous boys from Brooklyn, Rogers.”

That got a real laugh out of him.

“Hey now, I’m not the one that’s spent the last almost ten years with James Barnes. You know the best of Brooklyn now babe, you can’t deny it. You and your alliteration and your King's English and what not.” He had meant it playfully, he really had. But she blinked a little too quickly and her smile slipped.

_ Shit . _

“Peggy …”

“No, I … I just mean sometimes it just hits me you know? That we’re here, doing what we’re doing. Hell, that we’re here just talking at all hits me like a brick sometimes. You were … gone so long and it …” she shook her head, forcing a smile. “ I just mean, we fell into old habits you and I … some new … but this is so familiar to me that it’s easy to forget for  the longest time I mourned the fact that I’d never have it again.”

He flipped on the signal to indicate pulling over and did so off the side of a dusty mostly empty road and killed the engine. Before she had time to protest he pulled her to him in a big bear hug, kissing her temple and reassuring her as well as himself, if he was being honest.

“I’m sorry. I’m just such an idiot. I feel like I should be over it because here you are.” She patted his chest before looking up with wet eyes and a red nose. “You’re here and real and warm and your heart is beating and we’re making this work.” She sniffled. “But I just–”

“I know, Peg. I know.”

And he did know, whether he felt the years that had passed or not physically, he sure as hell felt them emotionally. He hadn’t just missed so much in life, but life had missed out so much on him too as evident by Howard’s obsession, Peggy’s mourning, and Bucky’s pain. That and the flowers at the grave from dozens upon dozens of people he had ‘saved’ sure, but never met. The people that mattered to Steve Rogers missed Steve Rogers, but that didn’t mean that people didn’t miss or appreciate Captain American any less.

Just differently.

“Peg?” he asked her after a few more minutes of silent but lovely hugging.

“Hmm?”

“I think I need to go back to work. I think I’m needed there.”

She looked up to him again, an understanding expression but with sadness still evident in her eyes.

“Yeah, I think you’re needed too, not just selfishly by James and I either. I think you can do some really amazing good, Steve.”

“You never said that before…”

“No, it … wasn’t my choice to make, darling. But if you make it, or unmake it, you know I’ll be there a thousand percent.”

He felt a weight lift from somewhere in his brain. He nodded then, leaning in to kiss her sweetly.

“Thank you.”

She shrugged.

“Peggy?” he whispered before smiling. “Can you be the one to tell Bucky? And can I be ... not _there_ when you do?” He laughed, making her laugh too before she rolled her eyes.

“Oh sweet Jesus.”

****

He was hot, scorching, and there was a weight on his chest that wasn’t there before. But it wasn’t a bad feeling. This wasn’t a nightmare. He wasn’t still on that steel table in Italy. No, this was different, unexpected, but he was able to crush the spikes of fear that ran through him even before he opened his eyes.

Except he could smell her perfume before he did, and that was definitely Steve’s arm wrapped around him.

Huh.

He opened one eye and sure enough, there she was, in her black silk slip, leg tucked between his, head on his chest, lightly snoring – thought she’d protest to the end of the world that she did not, in fact, snore.

And there was Steve, massive and solid like a human radiator at his back, his leg lightly draped over both of theirs in the most awkward pile up of people he’d ever witnessed.

He didn’t bother biting back his smile. Instead, he looked to the clock on the bedside locker and saw that it was just after six pm. His ‘ten minutes’ turned into three hours, and in that time they had come back and made themselves at home on him.

It was a fact he relished and would never complain about.

“Hey,” Steve whispered, and he craned his neck to look at him. Steve was smiling too.

“You’re back.”

“Yeah, we didn’t wanna wake you, and Peggy needed a nap. Well, I insisted because I missed this, but … also she was cranky.”

Bucky laughed. He made her sound like a toddler.

“Well, dealing with assholes as much as she does is tiring,” he whispered, being sure not to wake her.

“No kidding.” Steve leaned up and kissed him softly, open mouthed but with no real heat behind it. A simple hello. “Missed you,” he said as he pulled back, his arm tightening around Bucky, who didn’t fight it and instead leaned in more, revelling in his heat.

“Missed you too.”

“Did you guys eat already? I’m starving,” Bucky murmured as his free hand slid over Steve’s that rested on his stomach. In lieu of an answer he felt Steve’s lips on his neck and shivered.

“Yeah, I could eat,” he answered, kissing up to his ear. If Bucky’s toes curled that was his own business.

“Not … not that kind of–”

“Shh,” Steve insisted, as his hand pulled from Bucky’s grasp to snake down his stomach, into his drawstring pyjama pants. Bucky didn’t protest, why would he as Steve palmed him through his clothes – getting him hard embarrassingly fast as he did so – nor did he stop kissing Steve, even though the strain on his neck was starting to get uncomfortable. The contact wasn’t something he was willing to give up.

Bucky bit back a moan as Steve’s hand slipped inside his underwear, more aggressive in his mission now, forcing Bucky to bite his lip to keep quiet.

Pointless of course, because it was just then that he heard the giggle.

They both stopped and looked at her. There she was, laying on her side, arms tucked up under her head in prayer position, a glint in her eye and a smile on her face.

“Afternoon gentlemen,” she said, giggling again. “Having fun without me?”

Bucky rolled his eyes, not giving her time to come up with another quip. Instead he grabbed for her and pulled her over on top of him, feeling the weight of her on him once more, the smell of her perfume, and the silk of her slip brushing against his hyper sensitive skin. He kissed her longingly, sincerely, and with everything he had, like always. She pulled back breathless.

“Well then!” she gasped.

“Missed you too, Peg,” he whispered, flushed.

She grinned before getting up to straddle but not sit on him, both knees on either side before she leaned down – her hair cascading around them both to kiss him again. He took the opportunity to slide his hands up her legs and grab her arse, to give it a squeeze, making her laugh, making her break the kiss.

“Yes, it sure feels like it,” she added before she worked her hips to grind down on him making him gasp. She leaned over and kissed Steve as Bucky slid the thin spaghetti straps of her slip down, exposing her pale and perfect breasts. He didn’t hesitate to give them some love either, always loving how warm and heavy they felt in his hands, as her hand absentmindedly petted his hair. No doubt it was askew and wild from sleep.

He didn’t see, but more so felt Steve shift, then felt another set of lips on his body, this pair on his neck.

_ Oh _ .

And that’s how easily it started, both of his loves seemingly on a mission to drive him over the edge as many times as possible.

“James,” Peggy all but cooed, her hair still cast around them like a tent from the outside world. “We’d very much like to fuck you right now. Would you like that?”

His heart skipped several beats and he was sure he swelled even further in Steve’s hand.

He heard Steve chuckle.

“Would you like that?” she asked again, this time just before she sucked his earlobe into her mouth, and Jesus Christ, yes he would like that. He couldn’t speak though, not with actual words because everything was just so much suddenly, but in the best possible way, and even better still, was his all his. From the solid warmth of her above him – their breathing in sync now – to the way Steve’s mouth curled around a smile against Bucky’s stomach as he made his way south, yanking off clothes as he moved. The warmth of Steve’s mouth engulfing him so completely made him twist, and jerk, but Peggy squeezed him still with her surprisingly strong thighs. He bet she could kill a man with those thighs.

She could kill a man with a stapler, he was pretty sure she would do it with her legs.

He moaned again, this time without holding any of it back before tangling his hand in her hair to pull her in for another kiss.

“Yes,” he answered, though truthfully it was an afterthought.

Peggy laughed.

“How would you like us, darling?”

Her fingernails, perfectly painted a deep shade of red dug into his scalp, scraping gently, making him shiver.

“I … _I_ …”

What were words? So far it was a struggle to remember to breathe with Steve’s mouth working him up and down so amazingly, so wholly, and Peggy and her head straddling his chest, her mouth coming at him from seemingly everywhere at once. He couldn’t speak. His body was too electric with pleasure, and she seemed to sense that, and kissed him sweetly on the cheek before there was some shuffling, and she leaned over to the bedside locker. He heard the click of the bottle of body oil they’d been using as lube, and the rustle of the packet of rubbers.

“That’s okay baby.” She never called him baby, not unless she was as turned on as he was and forgot herself, forgot how annoying she found that pet name, though he wagered it was probably only when it was directed at her. “We’ll decide for you, hmm? Just enjoy, okay?”

Again, what were words?

“Mmhm,” he managed before thrusting into Steve’s mouth, unable to stop himself. “Jesus Chr–”

Before he could register what was happening, it all happened.

He let out a string of curses and garbled flatteries aimed at them both as Steve worked his tight muscle open with his fingers and the warm, warm oil and Peggy slid the rubber down him with a tenderness that he knew was a careful choice on her part. Her breath was as ragged as his, his hands grasped for her instantly as she sank down on him, inch by inch. She cried out, beyond frustrated and aroused, needing it all so much. It was all  so  much.

Not half as much until she started to move, gently at first and he heard Steve’s breath hitch and it made his eyes fly open to be greeted by the most amazing sight. Peggy atop him, bent back at the neck to kiss Steve who was holding his legs wide, one hand busy in Bucky, the other on Peggy’s breast, tweaking her nipple making her clench her stomach muscles as she attempted to keep moving in a clumsy rhythm.

“Jesus Fucking Actual Christ,” Bucky sighed before pushing himself up as much as he could. His head was spinning with pleasure. He grabbed Peggy back, making Steve huff out a ‘Selfish!” before he laughed and pushed two of his fingers up inside him, almost in what Bucky wondered for a split second was spite. Except how could it be when, moments later, as his lips still kissed Peggy’s he felt Steve push his own swollen sex inside him as gently as he knew Steve could attempt now.

“You okay?” Steve asked repeatedly, breathless with a hint of worry. Bucky merely nodded a yes, not sure his voice would work. Peggy began to slowly pick up her pace, her hands on his keeping her upright before his slid to her sides, keeping her balanced and comfortable.

His brain was on sensory overload, his body was practically humming as they took him to the edge and back, and all the while Peggy was whispering sweet praises into his ear as she moved her hips expertly in the way that he loved; in the way that he couldn’t remember any girl before her knowing how to do, to get the exact reaction out of him that it got, which was utter and complete nirvana.

“You’re such a good boy, isn’t he Steve?” she piped up then, and he knew she was close. Peggy only began chatter like that when she was close. She was breathless too, and he had never seen a sight more beautiful than both his loves so utterly wrecked, wrecking him in the process.

“Bloody leg cramp, hold on!” she said, shifting comically, making Steve laugh from behind, Bucky was too fucked – literally – to do such things at that point.

“JesusMaryandSaintJoseph,” Steve muttered, speeding up and oh, God!

“Such a goo- Why is  _ Joseph _ the only one that gets named a Saint when mentioning all three?” Peggy asked, out of the blue and completely randomly right before she tightened around him and came with a shout for Jesus himself.

Somewhere, Bucky and Steve’s Catholic families were spinning in their graves.

Bucky couldn’t stop the laughter that pent up inside him, causing Steve to ask desperately that he stop because he was gonna–

_ But it was too late. _

He was laughing hard, and loud, his stomach muscles clenching, he wagered everything was clenching, and that’s when Steve lost it and came with a broken sob. Peggy was still perched atop him, confusion on her face until she started to laugh too, falling forward to nuzzle herself to his side, allowing him to straighten up and move. God, everything hurt in the best possible way, and he was still laughing.

“What’s so damn funny, Buck?” Steve was still flushed from nose to belly button, and it was adorable with his hair all sticking out everywhere and the remains of Peggy’s fingernail travels on his chest. Huh, he must have missed that.

“I …” he giggled again, “was just thinking … Steve, you think our families would approve of Carter?”

Peggy sat up then, curious confusion across her face as he and Steve stared each other out until Steve started to laugh too.

Soon Steve was flopping next to him, taking up the other side of the bed, pushing him to the middle.

“What on earth is wrong with both of you?!” Peggy asked, still confused and now sounding annoyed. Neither answered her, instead continuing to giggle like schoolgirls, much to her annoyance.

“What the hell?” she asked, slapping Bucky on the chest. He held her hands back because damn, that girl packed a wallop, and his everything was too damn sensitive just then.

“I’m sorry darlin’, really, no, I’m sorry.”

“He is … its just insane,” Steve attempted, both of them clearly high on hormones, or they had finally lost their mind if Peggy’s facial expression said anything at all.

“You’re a Brit; you’re a Protestant Brit to boot, Peg,  and  you’re in the military – or you were – and before that you were a subject and servant of His Royal Highness. God, I can just picture Steve’s Ma’s face.”

Sure she was raised it, but if anything she was rather agnostic these days. War made one question any God that could allow the things she had seen to come to pass. Religion was a messy affair and she had enough of those to worry about.

“And I can picture YOUR Ma’s face, not to mention your father’s–”

“Oh Jesus–” Bucky began and laughed again, but Peggy had had enough and slapped them both with her pillow.

“You are both fucking idiots,” she huffed. “And also who thinks of their  mothers whilst being truly fucked might I add. That’s just beyond the realm of creepy, James, and I think we need to discuss that. Christ.” She made a move to leave the bed, but Bucky grabbed for her arm, pulling her back, and she landed on the bed with a bounce.

“No, fuck off. I don’t need this right now,” she protested, and he realised then she didn’t see the humour in the situation. Shit.

He needed to explain.

“Honey…”

“Oh don’t you honey me honey!” she countered, trying to fight him but her heart wasn’t in it and he won, grasping her wrists.

“Peggy, I’m sorry, it was just a random thought, okay? And just, my mother and Steve’s had very uh…”

“They had very strong opinions about the Brits, Peg,” Steve offered, pushing himself up to lean against the headboard. “Just real strong opinions.”

She sighed, mimicking Steve’s position as Bucky followed suit. As Irish Catholic immigrants she could just imagine what those opinions were. It made her feel wretched and offended, though she realised it mattered little in reality, now, for these people were all dead and they couldn’t judge her. But still, she wondered if things were different… 

“Well first of all,” she began and Bucky smiled as the hurt was no longer evident in her voice and he was glad. “I am not _that_ kind of Brit–”

“We know that Peggy. You fight for the freedoms of all people, we’d like to assume that means people ruled against their will by governments that just sorta … you know… took over without asking or whatever,” Steve shrugged, hand gesturing wildly, simplifying it so greatly that it was almost funny to her.

“I believe every country belongs to its people, and the governments are there to protect, not … Look, I’m a peach, mothers love me, and frankly if yours didn’t well then maybe I might have just had to find some boys who weren’t attached to their mother’s apron strings so tightly.”

Bucky ‘oohh’d’ loudly. “Well lookie here, the British chippie has some bite.”

She hit him again.

“I’ll bite you if you don’t shut up!” she said, whacking him with her pillow, making Steve laugh as he leaned over to grab the quilt and blankets, pulling them around all three of them as Bucky tugged her to his chest to lay still.

“Aw come on darlin’,” Bucky kept going, “don’t be so sore. You’d-a won them over eventually.” Oh he was full on Brooklyn now.

She glared as Steve smiled, settling himself in too. It had gotten cold too quickly after all the sexing.

“Please, as if I care,” she uttered, closing her eyes. The smug playful smile finally faded from Bucky’s face and the feeling started to come back into his legs too, which was a plus as Steve attempted to fit himself at his other side comfortably.

They went quiet then, Steve drifting off almost instantly, his warm body back where it was when Bucky had been asleep. Peggy though, her fingers danced from his pects to his bellybutton a time or two, signifying she wasn’t asleep.  Almost twenty minutes went by and he had almost dropped off himself at the feel of the heat, the exhaustion and the oddly hypnotic actions of her touch.

That’s when she spoke, softly and oddly childlike.

“Bucky?”

“Hm?”

“Would your mother really have hated me?”

She looked up at him, all sad doe eyes and he squeezed her even closer.

“Nah, I was just kidding.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Like they’d hate you before they met you, that’s just a given, but honestly my ma would have taken one look at you, seen what a classy smart dame you were and asked me how I did it. How I got someone like you, because you know my mother she was a smart lady, and she knew that I didn’t keep the uh, most upscale company, you know what I mean? I mean there were a lot of alleyways and neck hickies that she got wind of, plus, I lived with Steve Rogers. You wanna know the shit I caught from her for being friends with a little scraper like him?” he laughed slightly, because man his mother had a glare that could have cut glass. “Besides, my sisters would have loved you on sight. They’d have taken you out dancing and I might have lost you to someone even better looking – a struggle as that might have been.”

He felt her smile against his chest.

“Well that is true,” she countered and he chuckled.

“It is.”

There was a beat and then she nuzzled back into her little nook where she belonged, under his arm.

“Plus, you know…” she sounded confident again, cocky even, so he knew what was coming, “She’d have a hell of a time judging me when frankly you were taking it up the arse from Steve Rogers long before I came on the scene. Doesn’t the Catholic church frown upon _that_ sort of thing?”

That’s what did it, he couldn’t hold it in, he started to giggle again, honest to God giggle, so much that a sleepy Steve put his big ole paw up to cover his mouth. It didn’t do any good, and soon all three of them were laughing again. Steve didn’t relax his annoyed eyebrows for a least another ten minutes though.

****

They hadn’t left the bed in hours, and when they had twice it was to retrieve the food from the kitchen and to use the bathroom, otherwise they had spent it with the fire in the bedroom roaring and crackling, and the sound of the wireless in the corner. It was a good evening. It had purposely been so, with one thing as its goal. Make Bucky happy, because they needed to lower the boom about Steve sooner rather than later, and if anything made him happiest it was sex, and food, and not necessarily in that order.

“I can’t believe you got takeout from Lil Rosie’s on the way home, you know how much I love their stuff.”

Yes, yes she did.

Each of them munched happily on the take out of homemade lasagna and pizza. She didn’t care if she couldn’t fit into her skirt the next day; it was too good, too necessary.

“God, a bulldozer could come through here right now and it wouldn’t dampen my mood at all. So fucking good.”

Peggy quirked her brow at Steve then, and he blushed. She bit back a smile. They really needed to teach that boy to reduce his tells.

“That’s uh, really good, Bucky. I’m glad you’re happy right now.”

He shrugged in answer, mouth full of pasta.

“Couldn’t really ask for much else right now. I’m a lucky son of a gun, you know?”

Oh god. Peggy cringed.

“That’s … yeah we all are, right?” Steve continued, the tips of his ears now pink.

“I’d say so.”

“That’sgreatbecauseIwanttogobackintoservicesoi’llbeworkingforSHIELD,” Steve spat out so quickly that Peggy wasn’t sure it was in a human language.

Bucky caught it all though, dropping his fork onto his plate with a clank. He turned slowly to Steve, his happy carefree face now one of fixed suspicion.

“You what?”

Steve just bit his lip.

“Steve? Seriously? Seriously!?”

“Buck, they need me.”

“Like hell they do. Look … no. Ok. Just. No.”

Steve’s jaw was working overtime then, his brows knitted together.

“Bucky–”

“Steve, we just got you back and you wanna run off into the flames again? Is there something wrong with you? Like, did you smack your head on that ice too hard, you know WHEN IT KILLED YOU?”

“It didn’t kill me! I’m right here!”

“Right, for how long? Until the next mission takes you out again and this time we don’t get a second chance?” he looked to Peggy then, hurt.

Oh boy.

“You knew about this, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” she answered, putting her plate and his on the bedside table. “Yes I knew.” She slipped off the bed to retrieve her robe that hung on the back of the bedroom door and wrapped herself in it as she spoke. “It’s his decision.”

“That, let me guess, you and your people support fully. Getting Steve back on the air as the dancing monkey – or ‘national icon’ as they’re calling it now. I see.”

“Bucky–” Steve attempted again, but he was on a roll, an angry roll. He got up and yanked on his discarded underwear.

“Nah, Steve, it’s fine, it’s all good. I mean the decision’s been made, obviously. I mean obviously this, whatever this is–” he gestured to all three of them, “it’s not real enough that something so extremely dangerous and life altering deserves a fucking discussion. No, just fine.”

He stormed out of the room, almost taking the door off the handles in the process.

“Fuck,” Steve muttered, rubbing his hand through his hair, taming it some before beginning to get dressed. They both jumped at the sound of the front door slamming.

“He’s … in his underwear,” Peggy commented and rolled her eyes, a second later the door opened and slammed again, and he was clearly back. “ _ Men _ .”

“We fucked up.”

She nodded.

“That we did. You know he had to have known this was coming. He might have these ideas Steve, but you’ve never been one to just sit around and be useless. He can’t possibly expect you to do so now. The Soviets are invading quietly like snakes, and we need all the help we can get in making sure that it doesn’t escalate. Big, better, faster, stronger, it’s what they’re doing. It’s ‘my dick is bigger than yours’ in war form – more so than usual, and to be honest, we do need you. However, if you want to stay? You want to get a different job? Go back to art school? Travel? Sleep for a year,” she said softly, taming the rest of his hair for him as they stood, him half dressed, her still in her robe. “I’ll support that too, I’ll always have your back, so don’t mistake my professionalism for detachment like Bucky has, okay?”

He nodded and let her kiss his forehead.

“I should talk to him.”

She agreed.

“Do, I’m going to take a shower. There’s no use in me talking to him when he’s like this, I’ll just be the target for his anger, and I’m just too tired to spar with him right now.” She smiled. “Cuddle him for me when he comes around, will you?”

****

Bucky was sat by the window in the kitchen, seemingly staring out at nothing in particular, but Steve knew he’d heard him come in.

“Hey.”

Bucky only glared.

“Don’t, okay? I’m not in the mood for this shit.”

“Bucky, can I speak please? What about my mood huh?”

He looked at him again, this time with less glare. Baby steps. Steve made his way over to the table and took a seat.

“Look, Bucky, you know I hate feeling like this. I feel like nothing makes sense anymore, nothing but you and Peggy and that’s just not right. I can’t … that’s no way to live. It’s not fair to you and her and it’s not fair to me. I need a purpose. I have one, a real good one, that helps people–”

“Find another one, go back to school, find something else you love to do. Fuck it, Steve, help old ladies across the street if you gotta feel useful, but don’t do this.”

Steve sat back, unsure of how to continue.

“It’s bad enough that they have Peggy, alright? I accept that. She’s building something amazing and I’m so proud of her, that’s her mission. I get it. But you completed your mission, Steve. When you saved the world and sacrificed everything once already, you did your job. They can’t ask you to stand up and do it again. Even the most obedient dog runs when it’s about to get hit the second time.”

Steve blew air in exasperation before getting up get a drink. There was vodka in the fridge, and mixer. It would do. He poured them both a healthy tipple before speaking again.

“Bucky, I love you.” Bucky’s breathing hitched at that. Steve figured that, much like him, it was something neither was used to hearing from the other yet, it was still a new novelty.

“But,” Bucky added for him.

“But man, you’ve always had this overprotective streak a mile long, and I know it’s because of how I was for so long, and I get it and I’m thankful for it, but it’s time to realise–”

“You don’t need me anymore.”

Steve shook his head, grasping for the other man’s hands.

“Never say that. I’ll always, always need you, I just need you right now to understand that I’m doing this for me. That being a good soldier, it’s what I am; it’s what I was meant for. Even before my body could keep up with me, it’s what I wanted.”

Bucky’s brows narrowed, the worry line between them deepening. He sighed.

“There is something so seriously wrong with me. I have this type, this – you and her – two people that drive me so crazy but who I would walk over hot coals to make happy.”

Steve smiled.

“We’ll spare you the coals, unless you’re into that sorta thing.”

Bucky just glared again.

“Punk.”

Steve smiled wider.

“Ugh, fine, fine, if you wanna throw yourself into the ring again, who am I to stop you.”

Steve so desperately wanted to say ‘you could come with me,’ but he remembered what almost happened the last time that happened, and he swore he heard the roar of the train in his ears as he remembered.

“Thank you, Buck.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, stealing Steve’s drink in retaliation.

“Hey, you think that shower up there would fit three?” Steve suggested with a grin, causing Bucky to laugh. God, he loved that sound.

“Well, whataya know, sometimes you have GOOD ideas.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy weekend loves! So what did we think? If you loved it hit me up, if you've just found this, hit me up! There's a pattern here huh? If you're on tumblr you can find me AND a sneak peek of a future chapter ;) at http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/ come say hi and we'll fangirl/boy together! xo


	22. Double Feature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky can't make a quick confession, Peggy really can't cook, and Steve is still a terrible flirt.

Taking Steve to the campus was one of the more fun parts of the week following his little announcement. Bucky was man enough to admit that while he saw it coming he was still sore on it becoming a reality. He had held onto a tiny piece of hope that Steve had gained some sense in his time on ice, but no, no such thing. He was still the self-sacrificing little shit he always was, regardless of how tall he got.

“It’s so alive,” Steve noted as they both walked the breadth of the campus, the late February air wasn’t as cold as expected. “Everyone so eager to learn.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“ _Sure_ , Steve.”

That earned him a nudge.

“Oh come on, we never got to do this when we were younger. It’s amazing to see. And you go here, you’re an actual student.”

Yeah, about that.

“Well I wouldn’t be here at all if it weren’t going on Uncle Sam’s tab, and after this I’m free, so …”

“Right, last paper of the semester. That must feel good?”

Bucky shrugged.

“I guess. I mean, yes. It does. It’s nice to have a goal, I suppose.”

“And it’s amazin’.”

He felt himself blush at that, and he couldn’t just blame the wind chill.

“You read it?”

Steve nodded as they took a corner together.

“Course I did, it was sitting on the kitchen table. Wait, was I not meant to?”

“No … I don’t mind it’s just … no it’s fine.”

“Sound less sure why don’t you.”

“Psh, no it’s fine,” he smiled. “I know what a nosy ass you are so I should have expected it.”

Steve ‘tutted’ to himself as they got to Bucky’s building. “It’s pretty deep stuff though. I mean, you spoke of your personal war experiences versus those of WWI on record. I was impressed, you’re not usually so–”

“Articulate?” Bucky smirked at his scowl as they took the final set of stairs to his floor.

“No, you always were silver tongued, ask all the girls on our block. Hell, ask Father McGovern, pretty sure he knew all about it.”

“What was my record again?”

“Twelve minutes.” Steve smiled as Bucky pulled out his key from his pants pocket, rattling the door open when he got it.

“That’s right, twelve whole minutes and the whole parish waiting as I took twelve minutes to confess my sins. Such a scandal.” He rolled his eyes, recalling the smug look he wore on his face, and the scandalised look old woman Henderson wore as she nudged her sister Nora, who in turn whispered to her husband Tom. ‘That Barnes boy up to no good,’ he could almost hear them say.

Well, they weren’t wrong.

But there were worse things in the world than kissing and feeling up girls, and he had seen some of that up horrifically close.

“It’s tiny. It kinda reminds me of home … before,” Steve commented with a smile, a loving one at that, as he took the whole four steps it took to get from door to window. “What they charge for this is insane though.”

It was, but the bigger universities were even worse. He was of the far too liberal way of thinking that education should be affordable or free for all in order to build a country up by its people.

“What does Peggy think?” Steve asked, sitting on his single bed, making him look even bigger and more imposing than normal, even as he kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed same way he did when they were kids.

“She likes their rep, likes the staff that she’s heard about, but she’s never actually been here.”

He caught Steve smiling at that.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing I just … there isn’t much new in your life now that I get to see first. It’s … nice, to be the first to see here. To see you here. Is that petty?”

Bucky didn’t answer him and instead nudged him to move up on the small bed so he could sit down too.

“I never thought I’d get to share any of this with you. Or anything, ever again,” he said quietly. “It was hard, coming here at first. Everything I saw I was thinking, ‘Man, Steve would get a kick out of this, all this art, and all these smart kids, just all of it.’ I’d think of how you’d draw the courtyard between classes, or the gardens in the snow, or the way the sunset streams through the stained glass in the library and floods the whole place like a rainbow.”

Steve was staring at him, an awed look on his face.

“But,” he cleared his throat, “I pushed it back because I just figured I was torturing myself.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go through that.”

When Bucky looked at him then, so close on the bed that their elbows were touching, he had tears in his eyes.

“I wish you didn’t crash that plane in the fuckin’ ocean. I wish you’d have listened to Peggy, to me. I wish you hadn’t–”

“Hey–” Steve forced him to look at him again, his fingers on his chin, hating the sound of his voice weakening. “You know I had no other choice, and you know if I had I wouldn’t have done it.”

Bucky nodded, seemingly accepting of it. Steve wasn’t sure. So he leaned in, if only to stop his tears, to distract from the sad turn the moment had taken, and kissed him. He could taste the salt from his tears as he kissed him softly, sliding his fingers into Bucky’s hair, pulling him as close as he could, loving the feeling of Bucky’s hands wrapping themselves around his back in a passionate embrace he used to dream of long ago. Feeling bold, he braced his hands on Bucky’s shoulders as they continued to kiss, breathlessly, and pushed him softly on his back against the hard mattress. He wasn’t sure where it was going. They couldn’t possibly have sex in his dorm room, right?

Bucky grasped his fingers in Steve’s scalp, making him shiver and want to climb into his lap and never leave when there was a soft knock at the door.

They both pulled apart so quickly that Steve was sure Bucky got whiplash.

“Who is it?” he asked, wiping his mouth, as if that somehow stopped his lips from looking swollen. Shit, that meant his were too. He touched them absently.

“Hey Bucky, it’s Jack? Uh, can I–”

Bucky stood up and fixed his sweater, ducked down to look in the mirror opposite the window, fixed his hair and wiped his mouth again, as if to wipe the traces of Steve away.

Steve knew it wasn’t personal, or even really on purpose. Not everyone was as accepting and loving as their Peggy.

“Hey man, how are you?” he said as he opened the door with a whoosh and a fake smile.

“I’m good, great. It’s been a while. We uh, haven't seen you around here much? Last I heard you were in a different time schedule now? Helping with the history guys’ research and stuff still?”

“Yeah, I have, I switched, mostly the later classes work better and stuff … personal stuff sorta took–”

Steve came up behind him then, knowing he was probably seen from the doorway, and didn’t want to make it seem like he was hiding. Even though he wanted to.

“Hi there,” Steve offered a genuine smile to the handsome boy – man – friend of Bucky’s – whose eyes widened when he saw Steve.

“So it is true. Uh–” he looked back to Bucky then and then to Steve once more. “Sorry, it’s just I thought Samuel was lying when he said Captain America was on campus, and wow.”

Steve could almost feel Bucky cringe.

“Like I said, personal stuff happened and I needed some time.”

His friend nodded and Steve realised the air was awkward.

“Hi, I’m Steve by the way.” He held out his hand for the man to shake, which he did, still slightly stunned.

“Right, of course you are. Sorry, Sir I just–”

“Sir?” Bucky asked, but the man kept talking.

“–It’s an honour really, I can’t … you … you’re a hero a real life honest to God hero. My dad, he … he really loves you.”

Steve felt himself blush.

“Oh, well, uh … thank you? Thank your dad too, that’s awful nice.”

He could feel Bucky’s glare.

“And you are?” Steve asked, looking from Bucky to his friend as if to say ‘someone introduce me so this can end.’

“He’s Jack Grimes, he’s a TA and a friend of mine from here, I guess.”

Steve smiled then, despite Bucky’s odd change of attitude.

“Well, damn. He doesn’t make friends easy it was one of the reasons I guess I was allowed to come back,” Steve joked horribly, but Jack just continued to smiled and nod. “It’s real nice to meet you, Jack.”

“You too, Sir … Uh  Captain …”

“Steve is fine.”

The man smiled wider. He was attractive, tall, dirty-blonde hair and if you squinted he looked a lot like Steve did now. Not before, most guys didn’t look like Steve did before, how he still thought of himself when standing in front of people attractive to him more often than not.

“What did you need, Jack?” Bucky finally asked in a manner that Steve knew the other man picked up on as rude.

“Oh! Well, you know rumours were you were back at the dorms and I just wanted to say hey, and wish you luck on the paper, its due today you know?” The blonde man smiled, a joke in his tone. Bucky didn’t reciprocate. What was his issue? Steve couldn’t help but wonder.

“Yeah I know, and thanks, really. It was a decent class, real informative.”

The man shrugged.

“Andrew – the professor, he’s the one doing all the work I just assist really, but I covered some of the modules and provided the talk topics so I guess I can be proud of that.”

Steve had no idea about anything he spoke of, but nodded anyway.

“I’m sure that’s true, and it’s great they are so open to allowing collaborations with the students – you’re a student right?”

“Yes si – Steve,” he caught himself with a blush. “Listen, we’re – the guys and me – we’re going to the coffee shop soon just for a last chinwag before we all head home for the break at the end of the week. You guys – I came to ask Bucky out – to come out for coffee  … with ALL of us.” The man stammered suddenly and he could see Bucky’s jaw tense.

Oh.

Okay.

Steve saw no objection. If anything wanted to know more about this very odd dynamic.

“That could be–”

“We can’t,” Bucky cut Steve off, still rude, actually getting worse. “I have to drop the paper off, and he wanted to look around before it gets any darker, and then I have to stop off at the history department for a thing and then we have plans back in Brooklyn later so–”

The blonde man in front of them was clearly taking the not so little hint, and Steve was sort of mortified for him.

“No, yeah I get that, sure.”

“Bucky? I’d love to meet your friends, we should go? I’m sure Peggy won’t mind if we’re a little late for the thing. A dinner thing,” Steve clarified.

“No really, I shouldn’t even be here now I just stopped by to show Steve so really, Jack, thanks but–”

“Sure thing, another time maybe?”

Bucky nodded, his lips a tight line. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.

“Okay well,” the man sighed. “Steve it was great to meet you, and welcome back and thank you on behalf of … New York? The world? For saving us.” He smiled and the jovial tone to his voice made up for the hurt in his eyes as he stuck out his hand again, which Steve shook and smiled politely, unlike Bucky.

“And Bucky I guess I’ll see you next semester?”

Bucky shrugged.

“Actually not too sure, Jack, I have a lot going on right now, and there are just some plates in the air and it’s … well, I haven’t fully decided yet is all, if I’m coming back.”

His friend narrowed his brows but then took a step back.

“Wow, that’s … surprising. Your grades are–”

“Like I said, a lot of stuff just–”

“Sure … well. I guess I’ll maybe see you around,” Jack said, his tone matching his face as he backed away. “Steve,” he nodded before turning the corner and Steve listened to his footsteps fade with each second.

Bucky closed the door and walked to the window again, silent.

“You’re a real son of a bitch you know that, Barnes?”

He turned on his heel quickly to face Steve, his face still like thunder.

“What the fuck was that? The guy was just being civil? Hell, when was the last time you made a friend? And you were just rude as all hell.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“He’s a gossip okay? First whiff of you being around and he had to come see. Such bullshit. You have enough people wanting pieces of you to tell their friends–”

“Oh no you don’t, don’t you dare make this about me.” Steve whispered angrily. “That guy was being nice and you were as rude as I’ve ever seen you, what the hell am I missing here?”

“Nothin’.”

“Nothing my ass, Bucky, what gives? Come on.” Steve stepped closer to him again, this time his hand on his shoulder to give it a little shake.

Bucky shook his head.

“Look, it’s nothing okay? Just some shit, some shit happened and I’d rather not spend time with him and you that’s all. It’s too … it’s too … I don’t even know. I don’t know.”

“You were acting really sore with him, like, obnoxiously so. As if you were punishing him for something. Like you were with me when we … oh my God.”

Bucky broke eye contact with him as Steve pieced the puzzle together.

“Did … something happen between you two?”

Bucky shrugged, shrugging Steve off in the process.

“No. Nothing … not … nothing but not anything worth anything either.”

Steve’s eyebrows rose.

“Then why were you acting like he kicked your Ma down a flight of stairs, Buck? Hm?”

“Look he’s just too damn forward okay, always asking and assuming and just–” Bucky ran his hand through his hair, messing it up from its formerly perfect quiff.

“Did he like you or somethin’? Is that–”

“He kissed me, okay?!” Bucky blurted, moving back to sit his ass on the windowsill, his arms folded, his body language screaming annoyed and trapped. “He just assumed that he knew me and that I was queer and that because I was that meant it was okay to do that, and he was so sure he knew that I was in love with you, and that I missed you as more than just my buddy, and then he kissed me.” Steve wasn’t sure if Bucky took a breath the whole time he was speaking but by the time he was done he was red in the face. “And yeah so okay that’s what happened, happy now?”

Steve stayed quiet, not really knowing what to say. He knew Bucky had kissed other women, been with women, and then there was of course the whole ‘in love with the female love of his life’ aspect of their little melodrama, but Steve knew that he was the first guy that Bucky ever went there with, and he had done so after a lot of pain and angst. So he understood his rudeness a little more now. This Jack guy had Bucky’s number. He could see him, see through him and his act, and that scared Bucky shitless.

“Not happy, you’re clearly upset,” Steve spoke calmly.

“Damn straight I’m upset, Steve!”

“Because he thought you were queer? Oh how terrible!” Steve whispered, sarcasm dripping from his every word.

“Fuck you, you know that’s not–”

“Then what?”

“Because he didn’t know me, didn’t know me from a hole in the wall but he KNEW. He knew that I was, what I am, what we were. He knew that I was in love with you and he knew that we were more than we let on and … Jesus Steve. You were dead, and people hero worshipped you, hell HE hero worshipped you and wanted to see my face when I said that yes, Captain America likes dick now go tell your dad and the press and the world and drag the name and sacrifice of my best friend through the mud so we can make out? No, fuck no and fuck that. And I didn’t want it to be him, I didn’t want him, I wanted Peggy and even when she and I were muddled up I always wanted her, and I always, always wanted it to be you.” He took a loud, deep breath, his voice shaking. “So yeah I’m upset, and I’m an asshole but fuck that guy he woulda ruined you.”

At that Steve broke, tears welled in his eyes as he grabbed his friend and hugged him for dear life. He didn’t care how sappy it made him; he just didn’t give a single damn. He heard Bucky sniffle after a minute or so of just holding on to each other, and he lifted his head to speak.

“I figured if he knew all that just by being alone with me, then being alone with both of us would probably end up with you on the news and both of us in the clink, so yeah, I was rude, but he’ll live.”

Steve nodded then, using his thumbs to wipe Bucky’s tears, even if he rolled his eyes at him for doing it. He let him, and that was the important part.

“Besides,” Steve offered as they parted, “Peggy will kill us if we’re late for dinner, she’s cooking and everything.” He widened his eyes comically, making his friend, his love, laugh as he wiped his face with his sleeve like he’d been doing since he was ten.

“Shit, yeah and her wrath is just out of this world, let’s not risk it huh?”

“No, let’s not. Let’s go home?”

“Yeah, let’s go home, but can we get something to eat on the way? You know, just in case?”

Steve shook his head at Bucky. Little did he know how right he was.

Peggy Carter was a lot of things but a cook was not one of them.

 

****

He saw Peggy sitting at her dressing table, deciding on two apparently very different diamond earrings. He smiled at her scrunched up nose before she decided.

“Hey you, when did you get back?” she asked as his morning gym workout had gone on longer than usual. It was just past noon at that point.

“A little while ago. I did a few extra rounds with Tim today, for an old guy he really is spry,” Bucky replied and she nodded, standing up and fixing her sweater. He loved when she relaxed at home like this, in those denim high-waisted pants that made her waist look tiny and her ass look amazing, and a simple but soft looking yellow cotton sweater tucked in, and her hair was up in a high ponytail, and there was some curl to it. She looked so regular and harmless like this. He smiled to himself knowing that was the complete opposite of who she really was.

“You went easy on him I hope?”

“He’s still alive, don’t worry.” He walked into the room as she was tidying away some jackets and wrapped himself around her waist from behind and kissed her cheek.

“Hi,” he said softly, making her laugh.

“Hi yourself.”

“Want me to make us something to eat?” he offered and she turned to face him.

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

The dinner three nights previous had been a comedy of errors. They had ended up getting take out. Their teeth weren’t built for eating solid charcoal.

“Little bit,” he admitted with a grin before kissing her. “But your strengths lie elsewhere, you talents–”

“Alright I get it. Honestly.”

He laughed again as she pulled away.

“I made us sandwiches, and the kitchen didn’t burn down. They’re wrapped up in the fridge, and there is soup, so you won’t starve.”

He kissed her on the cheek, turning to leave.

“I’ll go heat it up.”

She nodded, closing her closet door.

“Heard from Steve today?” she asked as he reached the door and he told her no, he hadn’t. He hadn’t seen him since that night. Steve had gone back to staying with Howard. Things were still so much up in the air and Peggy knew it unsettled him, as much as he wished it didn’t.

“I saw him for a minute yesterday. They were on their way to the lab, and then to the weapons storage Stark has out in Staten Island. I think they’re redesigning his Cap suit, and Stark wants to play with some new toys and some of them he’s thinking of giving Steve when he gets back into the field.”

“Oh of course, because he’s not reckless enough, let’s give him untested Stark shit to play with, that never ends badly. Did you not tell him everything that went down in ’46 with the Russian chick?”

Peggy smiled then, knowingly.

“No, I hadn’t got around to it, funny enough.”

Bucky merely grimaced.

“Maybe you should, might get some kind of sense into him, though probably not. It’s fine, really, it’s good that he has Stark … other friends.” He waved it off, rolling his eyes.

“Bucky–”

“I’ll go heat up the soup.”

Peggy sighed as he left to do as he said he would. She found him in the kitchen a few minutes later, deep in thought while staring at the chicken and vegetable soup bubbling away.

“We’re going to the movies tonight, Steve and I. He asked and … well I want to introduce him to Marilyn.  I think he’d like her,” she said softly, a joke in her tone.

“Yeah? He’s not much for blondes though, as fine a gal as Ms. Monroe is. Introduce him to Brando in Streetcar, might blow his mind,” Bucky grinned as she handed him the bowls.

“Ha, like he did  yours you mean? Don’t you think I forget how that movie … stimulated you, Mr. Barnes?”

“What? It was an interesting film. He was a fucked up character though, they all were.” He gave her a side eye, knowing full well the sex they had had that night was less spontaneous and more reactionary.

“Uh huh,” she said, sassing. He smiled, he couldn’t help it, and the man was insanely attractive. “Trust me though, he had a thing for Jane Russell in the Outlaw, last movie we saw before I shipped out. I think we both did ‘cause it was obvious she wasn’t wearing a bra.” He grinned and Peggy cocked her brow, unimpressed. “But for sure, Ava Gardener, Brando, Vivien Leigh AND Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind confused that boy for weeks,” he grinned.

“So what you’re saying is that Steve has a thing for attractive brunettes?” she joked with a smile as she placed the plates of sandwiches on the table and he joined her with their soup.

“Darlin’ have you looked in the mirror lately?”

“Have you?” she countered and they both laughed. So they were both very much in type for Mr. Rogers. “So, are you going to come or not?”

“Eh, nah. I’ll let you two have some time. He’s never had a date to the movies alone before, I don’t want to ruin that.”

She tutted at him, handing him the bigger sandwich.

“Bucky, you wouldn’t ruin it, and what the hell do you mean he’s never had a date to the movies?”

“Well, no girl really–” he began, but she cut him off with a nudge under the table with her foot.

“He had _you_ , didn’t he?”

And she beamed that big smile that told him all was right with the world. It was as simple as that with her, he had a feeling it always would be. He loved her all the more for it, he just wished silently that the rest of the world was as open minded.

******

“All About Eve and Monkey Business, double feature. I kind of wish we’d opted for one film,” Peggy complained as they took to the streets, eager to stretch her legs. He just smiled at her, helping her with her coat before they hit the chill air.

“You’re just not used to sitting still for that amount of time that’s all,” he commented, fixing his own scarf and fedora hat in place as she softly slid her arm in his. He still loved that .And he loved that he had spent the entire two movies, holding her hand.

“Well, that is true. My legs fell asleep. Sweetie?” she offered, still chomping on the bag of candy he’d bought her, he had finished off the popcorn before, and could still eat a cow.

“You callin’ me that or offering it to me?” he said with sarcasm.

“Sorry dear,  _ candy _ ?”

He nodded as she nudged him playfully.

“Thanks.” It was snowing again. It was always snowing. It was late February now, and the snow was there to stay still. He hated how it reminded him so frequently of a place he wanted to leave far behind. “You know I would love a vacation, somewhere hot.”

She groaned in agreement.

“God yes. It’s been so long.”

“You know, I don’t remember the last one I had? If I ever even had one? I guess my ma and Bucky’s folks would go to Coney Island for a day trip or that one time we could afford a few days in Atlantic City before my mom got sick – it was us all in this tiny little shack for three days and I got sunstroke and was sick, of course. Bucky broke his arm jumping off the pier showin’ off,” Steve said with a smile. “Needless to say we never did get to go back.”

They had reached the end of the block where there was a little café still serving food, it was just after ten.

“I love your stories, both of you. It’s like these little Steve and Bucky shaped windows into your childhoods, it’s fantastic,” she said, nudging him toward the establishment, not having to ask if he was hungry because she just knew he was.

He followed happily as they went in, and the heat that hit them in the face was more than welcomed after the brief but bitter stroll. The menu was basic but good. His stomach rumbled, making her laugh as they took their seats by the window.

“I want to hear about your childhood. All about little Peggy growing up, you’ll have to start spilling your guts.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Bucky knows some of my stories but they are all rather dull.”

“I’d still really like to hear ‘em, even the dull ones?”

She nodded with a slight smile, her cheeks pink.

At that a waitress came over and without looking at them asked what they’d like to order.

Peggy asked for tea, milk and two sugars, and a warm scone with butter. Steve was less reserved and ordered two stacks of pancakes that he intended to share but knew he would demolish.

“How _is_ Casa De Stark treating you anyway? Mr. Jarvis must be thrilled to have someone there on a regular basis these days? Are you going to stay there long term?” she asked before looking out the window. It had started to snow again.

“It’s fine, Jarvis is great, a little too … attentive. But very nice, and Howard really couldn’t be more welcoming. I mean it's been fun, but I do need my own place, and it seems like every day the press interest outside the main buildings is dying down, so that's something. We were actually able to leave and we took a tour of his weapons armoury the other day. You know he has seven in New York alone? Two under his house and one under his own airport. My mind was blown at the fact he has his own airport to much worry about much else.”

Peggy rolled her eyes.

“Yes I am all too familiar with that place, sadly.” Their tea and snacks arrived and she took a tentative sip. “Another time,” she shooed off his concerned look. “It was a while ago, some awful bother with the Russians and Stark and well, it was an  _ interesting _ summer,” she shrugged and he longed to hear all her little details. He wanted to know everything, everything that Bucky knew.

Realistically, he knew that wasn’t possible. She very well may love them both, but she would never be the same woman to both of them, it was impossible. He imagined he would always envy Bucky for getting all that extra time with her, and for a split second he felt the sick twist of resentment, knowing that Bucky had all that time with her, all that time to learn her details. Ones he knew she may never feel like sharing with another person.

For a split second he was sick with jealousy that he wasn’t that person.

That he would never be that person.

“You know what I keep thinking about?” He began.

“ _Hm_?”

“That day. When I changed, the day in Brooklyn with all the doctors and Stark, I keep thinking about how worried you looked. For me.”

She smiled then, bashfully.

“I mean everyone looked worried, but more so for the science behind it all, for the risk, the money, the funding, the war. But you, you were the only one, even afterward, after Erskine and the whole fight that seemed to care about how I was doing. I don’t know, maybe it’s spending so much time with Howard now that I keep retracing our steps, but I don’t think I ever thanked you for being there that day. I don’t know how I would have felt if I had been treated like an experiment from the get go. You, you forced them to treat me like a person.”

Her smile turned sad then, as if she was about to cry, as she patted his hand on top of the table.

“I’m glad I was there too. I -” 

“Excuse me,” came a voice, and they both looked up, and it was a woman with bright blonde hair and a big friendly smile in a maroon coloured dress with a blue silk scarf around her neck.

“Hi, may we … help you?” Steve offered, putting his fork down as the woman shook her head.

“No sir, I just … I know who you are.”

Peggy swore she saw his ears turn pink as he fidgeted with his silverware.

“Oh–” he began.

“No, I didn’t mean to interrupt but I just wanted to say … thank you,” she smiled again, this time touching his shoulder. Peggy watched it all with quiet interest.

“Oh no, really I–”

“No, Captain, you … what you did. It was a real amazing thing and I know I’m just one person but you should know, we’re all so … well we’re real pleased you’re back safe and sound.” She smiled again, and was still touching his shoulder. Peggy realised his face was now flushed and he had no idea that this woman, this very attractive woman, was flirting heavily with him.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting a … date?” she asked, and Peggy fought the urge to roll her eyes. She clearly knew who she was talking to.

Peggy shook her head, indicating no, this wasn’t a date. As much as doing so made her stomach turn.

“Steve, take the compliment the lady is trying to give to you,” she interjected before taking a sip of her tea. Steve looked then to Peggy and back to the woman.

“Thank you, Ma’am,” he began obediently as he stood up and Peggy smirked into her cup to hide her face. The blonde was still staring at Steve’s face.

“No, not Ma’am. I’m not married or anything,” she continued enthusiastically.

_ Subtle _ . Peggy thought.

“My name is Kelly. I read your articles in the paper and such, and it’s a real amazing thing and I just figured I’d say hi.”

Steve nodded, and Peggy cringed a little at his cluelessness. She wondered if things had been different would they have gotten to old age before he asked her out?

“Well, hi,” Steve said, the awkwardness practically radiating off him. Peggy just stole one of his pancakes, stuffing some in her mouth to stop from laughing.

The woman sighed.

Steve merely bounced on the balls of his feet, hands in his pockets. Peggy had to kill the terrible silence with fire, if only she could. Luckily for her Kelly had more sense, as she sighed again.

“Well, I work at Toffenetti in Times Square… Um, maybe I’ll see you there sometime?” she smiled again, this time less genuinely. She seemed like a girl that was used to getting what she wanted, and she clearly wanted Steve.

“Yes, of course I’ll … be sure to look out for you if I’m ever there,” Steve spoke, and it was his Captain America voice now, his shoulders square, and his ears completely red. Peggy merely smiled to herself as the woman took her leave.

Steve sat back down and they both watched her hail a cab through the window. Next thing she knew his head was slammed down on the table, repeatedly with a groan. Then she finally did allow herself to laugh.

“God, you’re really terrible at this!” she giggled, patting him on the back.       

_ “I know.” _ Came the muffled reply before they both cracked up at the silliness of it all. She’d have to teach him how to flirt, clearly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the updates guys and thank you all again for the love on this! It's so heartwarming and encouraging and yes. Let me know what you think of this here or on tumblr if you'd prefer! I track #Chaneladdict! xo


	23. Building Blocks P1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is a bit of a snoop with cold feet!  
> Part one of two.

 

Spending time with Steve and Bucky together had quickly become her favourite time of the week, though it wasn’t as often as any of them would have preferred. They met for dinner or lunch depending on Peggy’s work schedule, and for four days it seemed like things were falling into place. Many discussions were had since  The Commandos  decided that a monthly get together was something that needed to be scheduled, and from time to time one or two of them popped up at Starks Tower, or the base in New Jersey, there was a promise that it would continue when possible. As it stood, work kept everyone busy, no one more so than those men. It confirmed, however, Steve’s already concrete ideas of going back into service. They backed him, of course they did. They missed him, even if Frenchie and Falsworth technically worked for their home governments beyond a loan of their expertise here and there, and now there was talk of getting the band back together again full time.

With timely grunts from Bucky at interspersed times, naturally.

 

She wanted to address his feelings on the subject more, she really did. However, whenever she tried he would change the subject, attempt to distract her in a lot of cute but obvious ways, like with other news, random useless information that he found out that day, random facts like, _‘_ _ Hey, Peggy did you know the Titanic was so fancy she had her own newspaper for her passengers? _ _’_ None of it really distracted from the pained look in his eyes though, and she hated that more than anything.

“Captain Rogers for you, Ma’am,” her latest secretary Louisa told her as she spoke politely through the intercom, though she could practically hear her swooning.

“Send him in, thank you, Louisa.”

“Ma’am,” she acknowledged before Steve came through the door, a smile as bright as the sun itself.

“Well someone sure looks happy,” she commented, getting up from her desk to greet him. They hugged before she leaned up and kissed him softly. The blinds on her glass walls were shut and the door closed, but still, propriety was called for in the middle of the working day.

“I am happy, and you know why?”

“Why is that?”

“I just jumped out of a plane!”

Peggy blinked and then sighed as she sat her arse on the edge of her desk.

“Explain.”

“Okay so Howard–”

_ “Of course.” _ She sighed again, this time rolling her eyes, making him laugh.

“Howard and me we went out on his plane right, and he let me fly it. Of course there were so many, many, jokes about ‘don’t dive it into the ocean this time, Steve,’ which you know, was funny for the first five or six times but then I threatened throw him out of it if he didn’t shut up and so he did. But then he had this idea that we should test – rather I should test, the new parachutes, and oh, Peggy they’re fantastic!”

He was speed talking, and hyper, his cheeks were still red and his hair, now that she looked, slightly askew from its normal choirboy perfection.

“You jumped out of a plane, for fun,” she commented dryly, and he nodded, and it struck her how puppy-like he looked in that moment.

“Howard said that since I can’t get drunk or high like a normal person I should get my kicks somewhere else.”

God, she wanted to smack Howard.

“Okay, well, wonderful, let’s not tell Bucky, shall we? He’s having more than enough issues with you going back into the field, we don’t need to be telling him you were doing test runs into the Atlantic, you know?”

His face sobered as he approached her, planting his little bum right next to her.

“Yeah, I know. I was hoping, you know, that he’d have a few days and get used to the idea but it’s been over a week and he’s still…” Steve sighed. “I just want him to be okay with it, you know? I mean hell, I want to ask him so badly to come with us, to do this as a team but … I don’t want to ask at the same time.”

She nodded, understanding more than most why.

“I just wish he wouldn’t worry so much, but I guess that’s like asking me–”

“To not jump out of planes?”

He smiled, nudging her shoulder with his.

“Or you to not kill a man with a stapler. A  stapler,  really?”

Ah, so they had been talking about her. That made her smile.

“What?! It was the nearest thing and it was one of those big ones, lots of weight, I needed something…”

“You’re very resourceful, Agent Carter … Excuse me,  Director  Carter,” he beamed.

“Yeah, co-director really, and honestly it’s not really my thing this whole–” she motioned to her extra-large office, carpeted in soft shag rugs atop dark wooden floors. There was a table by the window with a vase of flowers, the couch that he knew she sometimes slept on after late nights, and that was it. It was clear she was still active in the field by the differences in her office to Howard's. “–thing … it’s more Howard’s insistence than mine. I’m fine being a field agent, though the pay is a lot better and the respect isn’t something I’ll turn down, but you know…” She quirked a brow, taking his hand and leading him to the couch.

“Not that I’m complaining, but why–”

“Oh, I stopped by because Howard wants my file? He says you have it?”

“Oh, right. How is the secret-not-so-secret redesign coming along?”

He smiled.

“It’s coming. It’ll be done in a few days and I said I’d stop by and show it to you and Bucky before … well, before we set off I guess.”

“About that, Darling, honestly when are we moving you in?”

He blushed and she touched his now hot cheek.

“Hmm? Unless of course you don’t–”

“I want to, believe me I do. I hate leaving you … both of you, every time. I just … how do I say to Howard … or the world that, yeah, I’m just going to  move in with my former girl and my best friend who happen to be a couple and I’m a single guy? I … it’s just …” he took a heavy breath before rolling his eyes, more so at himself.

She understood, they both did. They – she and James – had discussed this very problem repeatedly and it was sad to admit that it would be viewed by some as odd, and strange, which of course it was because he wasn’t moving in on pure need. It was to be a family … a mixed up non-traditional one, but a family nonetheless. She took a deep breath.

“We’re your family, Steve. James and I, Howard too. People like us, we don’t get to keep hold of the things we love very often, each of us knows the pain of losing our real families, and so we try to build new ones. I found the SSR after the death of mine, you found Bucky after yours, Bucky found me after his and you, it’s what we do. We do our best and we start over. You deserve to start over, and you deserve to do it how you want. Not how John Doe sees it from the outside. Who gives a shit about people we don’t know?”

“I kinda do?” He smiled, that sad smile and she wanted to kiss it away before she realised she could do just do that, so she did. When she pulled back his lips were reddened and his eyes still closed.

_ God, she loved him. _

“I know you do. I think we all do no matter how much we say we don’t want to. Wanting to be accepted is … well, it can make us do stupid things.” She thought back to her time at the SSR both pre-war and post, and shook her head. “But, you can’t let it stop you from living the life you want. You of all people know how easily it can be taken away from us.”

He nodded, threading her fingers with his.

“And I do, want this, you know?”

She petted his hair, attempting to set it to rights, in part, but in equal part just enjoying being able to touch him.

“I know, but you know you can change your–”

“I won’t.” He spoke confidently, that sweet excited glint in his eyes again.

“Well good,” she mused before pecking him on the lips again. “Stay here, I’ll go get your file.” She patted him on the hand as she stood up, letting go before sashaying out of her office and he enjoyed the view of her ass in that skirt, because he was allowed.

Not that hadn’t done it before he was allowed, but that wasn’t the point.

After a minute or so he was restless again and took a walk around her office. Her plants were in one corner with a lamp, a chair, and then her main desk. He took a seat behind it and marvelled at her neatness. Typewriter, telephone, little thing she used to speak to her secretary with, some pens, some pencils, little scraps of notes…it was all pieces of who Co-Director Carter was. And she was organised.

Steve however, Steve was just nosy.

So he popped the first drawer open, not to snoop, not really anyway, just to see.

Okay to completely snoop, but he was bored and it was harmless.

Random pieces of paper, brown files, nail polish in a few colours that he recognised, and then something else, a small photo album buried under candy wrappers and nail files.

He shouldn’t, he knew that, but he did. He totally did.

He flipped the album open, and there they were in all their heart-breaking beauty. Silly photos mostly, ones that didn’t make it into frames for the wall, or for the eyes of others. He felt a hot flush of shame run through him as he looked, but then it was happening and he couldn’t not look, so he kept on.

The first was of her, on a blanket in the sun, just her eyes and nose and hair visible, one eye squinting as if taken lying down with the sun in her eyes, but he could tell by her eyes that she was smiling. The next was of Bucky, seemed to be the same day, the same bright white sun in his eyes, though he was on show more. He figured Peggy took the photo and as always, did it right. He was so handsome, as always, too. Pulling a silly face for her, his arms behind his head, he was glistening in the heat and the sun, the shadow of a tree reflecting on his naked torso. The next photo was inside a house, not one Steve recognised, it was obvious Bucky had taken it by holding the camera at arm’s length and attempting to get them both in shot. Peggy’s hair was down and wet, Bucky’s too, and they were smiling. He flipped faster then. Some were of scenery, a horse in a field, a blurry shot of Bucky doing a handstand against a big old tree in the middle of nowhere, a view of him driving a car, his profile perfection. Then there were ones of them with the commandos, Christmas décor in the background, a quizzical looking Bucky caught reading in bed by the photographer, clearly Peggy. And another, this one taken by Peggy again, as she attempted to fit them both in frame, it was askew and almost blurry but they were kissing again, and he could almost feel the happiness radiate off the photo.

Steve’s heart was racing, his face and neck were hot, and he was sure he was burning up. He didn’t know why. There was nothing salacious or even remotely out of the ordinary about the photos. Except that may have been the problem, how ordinary they were, how normal and in love and happy they seemed. There was a pit in his stomach that he wanted to tell to scram when she spoke, making him jump.

“Flip to the last page.”

“Peggy! I wasn’t!” he attempted to lie, but really, what was the point? He looked to her as she stood in the doorway, a file in her hand and a sad look on her face. He wasn’t sure if it was because she caught him snooping or because of the look that he was sure was on his face too.

“Go on, flip.”

He did as he was told, of course he did, and his heart jumped again, this time for a different reason.

It was him.

_ Before. _

She had a beat up photo of who he was before Erskine got his hands on him. He was pretty sure it was the only photo of him before that there was now, unless you counted the ones his Ma got done for his communion when he was seven, but he didn’t. God only knew where those photos were.

He suddenly had a hard time swallowing.

“Peggy I–” his voice broke against his will, “I’m sorry I was just–”

“I keep that as a reminder, sometimes, when I need it,” she said softly, coming to his side of her desk and sitting on it, taking the small album from his hands and closing it. “When things get shitty here, or I’m dealing with some rather nasty business, I take a breath and go to this and see that I have things, good things, in my life that I hold on to. That means my parents, our house in England, the countryside and the freedom it represents, Bucky and our time together … and until you came back this was all I had left of you. Steve Rogers, the man too brave for his own good, who on faith and courage alone climbed into a machine that could have killed him on the spot just for a shot at doing the right thing. And I think,” she sighed, putting it back in its place, “If Steve Rogers at 95lbs can do that, I can do anything.”

He looked up at her then, allowing the tears to fall with no shame, because it was her and he knew he was safe with her.

“You should do this for a living, you’re real good at it.”

She chuckled, handing him his file. She had another in her hands too.

“This is yours, for Stark. I have signed off on your return, on a few conditions.”

He wrinkled his brow at that before standing as she did.

“And those are?”

“Weekly therapy sessions, either here or out in the field when possible. When not, a debriefing session must be had after every mission, and whenever you feel the need.”

He stared.

“Come on, don’t look at me like that, it’s standard. Or rather, we’re making it standard procedure and Steve, you came back from the dead, very literally, and I’m sorry but no one walks away from that unscathed.”

She was right, of course she was, he just didn’t do well with strangers.

“Do you have a therapy session?”

“That…” she sighed, rolling her eyes, “Yes I do, as a matter of fact, once a month.”

“How come I gotta go so often?”

“Hi, you’re Steve Rogers, not Jesus Christ. You’re inspiring, my love, but not invincible. We’re concerned for your noggin, okay darling?” she said with an air of comedy, to mask the fact that she was serious.

“Any other conditions?”

“Nope, that’s it. Oh, and you have mandatory holiday time.”

“Jeez Peg, I’m not even back and you’re already giving me a vacation?”

She smiled.

“It’s standard, now, run along, you’ve distracted me quiet enough for one day.” She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek and he was almost tempted to grab her by the waist and distract her some more but he was pretty sure he would get kneed in the balls.

He was almost out the door when she called back.

“James wants to know if you are coming for dinner tonight?”

“I … can’t. I’m looking at apartments with Howard tonight.”

She cocked a brow.

“Oh how sweet, when are you announcing the engagement?”

It was his turn to roll his eyes at her.

“It’s not like that, he just wants to make sure I find somewhere great.”

She looked to the file in her hands and then to him.

“I thought you already had?”

“Peggy–”

At that her secretary walked in, bumping into Steve in the process as she opened the door in a rush.

“Ma’am there’s a situation, you’re needed in conference room one.”

“Thank you, I’ll be right there.”

“Take that to Howard, get him to sign off and you’re good to go.”

“Peggy–”

She walked out of the office then, file still in hand.

“It’s fine, honestly I … we’ll see you when we see you I suppose. Have a nice afternoon, Steve.”

He closed his eyes as she walked away, wanting very much to bang his stupid head off the wall.

** ****** **

“Okay fine, you say that _now_ but honestly, James, what if he IS just being too polite?” Peggy asked, slipping into bed later that night. Her nightgown was blue, her curlers were pink, her face was scrubbed clean and he loved that she still smelled like flowers. She was so restrained colour wise for her job that he loved too that she let loose with her night clothes, underwear and casual items; she was far too colourful for the dull codes of dress that restricted her, he knew.

“Carter, come on. Steve is a lot of fuckin’ things, but overly polite ain’t never been one of them. Trust me.”

“Then why–”

“I don’t know, okay?” he added sharply, putting his book on his nightstand and turning to face her, sliding a hand across her stomach to pull himself closer. He was angling for a cuddle, she knew that. “I don’t know. He says he wants this with us and I believe him. But, maybe he just needs, I don’t know … space? Time? Look at us and how long it took us to get it together, maybe we just–”

“Give him space?”

He shrugged.

“It’s not what I want, I want him here with us. Like you said, we’re his family, he’s ours, we … but this isn’t something we should try and force. For Steve … it’s been five minutes, even if for us it’s been a lot longer.”

“God, I’m an idiot,” she said, shifting over so they could in fact cuddle. “How did I not–”

“Darlin’ it’s fine, you were just wanting things to be right, and there’s no harm in that. He just might need a little time. He woke up and _everything_ is different. Hell, he woke up and his girl and his guy are shacked up, living in sin, doing all of that, and then suddenly we’re a trio and supposed to just fall in line with that easily?”

She groaned again.

“Such a bloody fool. God, he must think I’m such a pushy old cow.”

“Peggy–” Bucky chastised. “He would never. Honestly, I just think … he’s not being too polite, love, he’s just being Steve. It takes him however long it takes him. We just gotta remind him that we’re here for him, that’s all.”

“I think you should be the one, to remind him I mean. You have a more intimate history and maybe he’ll feel more comfortable with you? I get the feeling that Steve still sees me as this … ideal? That perhaps he’s afraid of upsetting. With you–”

“Yeah it so ain’t like that,” he chuckled, but his laugh didn’t reach his eyes. She reached out to pet his cheek. “I’ll go see him tomorrow, I have to run a few errands in the city anyway, might make a day of it.”

She smiled.

“Okay, good.”

“Yeah, you know, fetch some lunch, informally inquire if my first love wants away from us … you know, casual.”

She really did laugh at that.

“God, what are our lives?”

He sighed, pulling her into her nook, before reaching back and clicking off his light.

“I wish I knew, Peg. I wish I knew.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do we think? Is Steve getting cold feet or just in need a little nudge in the right direction? This is part one, part two will be posted tomorrow night but leave a kudo or comment if you enjoyed this I read and love them all and hopefully respond to as many as I can! Thank you guys so much! xo


	24. Building Blocks P2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets that gentle, sweet, not at all passive aggressive nudge he needs from Bucky, Peggy just gets the flu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promised you two in two nights didn't I? I'm nice like that ;) As always your thoughts and reviews and rambles are encouraged and appreciated so thank you! Thanks to Lindsay and Whitney for cheer-leading this in docs full of nonsense! xo

Three meetings, six overseas phone calls, a check in with London, Spain and Los Angeles, she thought as she sneezed up a storm from the bathroom two days later. No, she didn’t have time to be sick!

“ _ Peggy _ –” Bucky called from their bed.

“Nope, I’m _fine_.”

“Except you’re really not,” he sassed. “You’ve tossed all night, and coughed most of it, come back to bed. Take a sick day.” 

The muffled sounds of his voice through the wall told her what she knew to be true. She rolled her eyes in defiance, mostly at herself. As if being sick was an option now. Right when they were about to launch a new team of covert recruits to Russia in a week, for heaven sakes.

“I’m fine, really.” She attempted to sneeze silently, but the truth was he was right, but she was nothing if not stubborn. Everything hurt. It even hurt to blink. Her ears were ringing and her stomach felt as Morita would say ‘funky as fuck and not in the good way.’ She grumbled to herself as she attempted to take her curlers out. She got three out when Bucky appeared in the doorway, deliciously dishevelled in his white vest and black boxer combo, his legs were so white it was almost amusing.

“Peg.”

“No.”

“ _Peggy_.”

“Nope.”

He sighed and walked into the bathroom, grabbing her by the waist gently and turning her toward the full length mirror on the wall.

“Darlin’, look at yourself. There is no way you’re fit enough to take on the world today, hell I doubt if you’d make it across the bridge, and you’re shivering.” 

She wasn’t.

Except that she was.

Her nose was red, her eyes were swollen and puffy and her lips were flushed red against her unhealthy washed out skin tone.

“And you’re clammy and paler than usual, even for you my English rose,” he smiled, twirling a curl on his finger. “Now, I know you can summon some odd stiff upper lipped British stubbornness that would give Steve Rogers a run for his money, but honestly just trust me on this? Get back into bed and I’ll bring you breakfast.”

She tutted.

“I can’t, I have–”

“Let Stark pick up the slack for once, for God sakes, it’s not like he owes you or anything. He’s practically Director in name only, you do all the work and take care of everyone. That gooseflesh tells me it’s time you let us take care of you for a little bit, hmm?” He hugged her from behind and God he was so warm and solid, and she was still shivering. She went slack in his hold and that told him all he needed to know.

“Good girl. Now, get back to bed and I’ll make you breakfast, pancakes and bacon, how’s that sound?”

Sounded like heaven, honestly.

“You’re too charming. I’m defenseless, and I can’t even breathe right now, this isn’t fair,” she countered as he moved them comically through to the bedroom, before he stepped back and kissed her on the forehead.

“I’m charming all the time you just don’t wanna fight me anymore. It saves us time if you just agree that I’m always right and that’s that,” he grinned and she was tempted to lob a pillow at him, but she didn’t have the energy. Instead, she slipped her rollers out quickly and slid back into bed. Apparently that wasn’t enough because he was fetching the heavy wool blanket from her blanket box that sat at the foot of their bed. The weight of it was wonderful, but she knew he had things to do, moving out of his dorm for one.

“I can’t keep you back today you have–”

“I can do all that in no time, honestly. I just have to meet with Fred at the history department about the speaking thing. It’s moved to next week before the close of the semester, officially. I offered Steve up in my place.” The bed dipped as he took a seat, and he began to tuck her in with the experienced fussing of a mother of ten.

“Oh Bucky!”

He laughed. “I didn’t really. God, can you imagine? But now that he’s back they are a little more interested in the hero of the hour and not just his side–”

“You call yourself his sidekick and I’ll sidekick you in the arse James Barnes.”

He laughed fully at that as Peggy fell into a coughing fit.

“Honey with your tea then?” he offered and she smiled.

“You’re too good to me.”

“I know,” he deadpanned and that earned him a weak slap on the hand before he reached up to tuck her hair behind her ears. “Take a snooze, I’ll be back in a bit. I’ll call the office for you, let them know you’re taking a couple of days off.”

“Bucky, a couple?!”

“Yes, no arguments, Margaret.”

That earned him a glare like no other, and he laughed to himself like a fool as he descended the stairs.

_Margaret_. She’d get him for that later, when it didn’t hurt to breathe.

****

The telephone in the kitchen was ringing, but Steve was too immersed in Mr. Jarvis’ teachings too much to other with it, and he was getting his eggs just right this time if it killed him.

And hopefully he wouldn’t melt the bowl.

“Yes of course, one moment.” He heard the clipped professional tones of Stark’s right hand man as he walked through, phone in hand. That thing had a cord on it a mile long apparently.

“For you, Captain Rogers. It’s Sergeant Barnes.”

“Oh. Great, thanks,” he said, taking his eyes off the eggs as he took the phone. He watched as Jarvis shoo’d him away and smiled.

“Hey Bucky what’s up?”

“Uh, hey.” Bucky sounded awkward, like Steve’s tone took him by surprise. “Listen, I just called since I was doing the rounds, but I left word with Peg’s secretary that she’s taking a couple of days off.”

“Oh okay…”

“Yeah, I know she said you um, sometimes call in to see her there alone, so just … to save you the bother I guess. She’s sick so–”

“Wait, she’s sick?” Panic hit Steve like a ton of bricks, Peggy was sick and he didn’t know?

“Yeah, I mean nothing serious she’ll be fine, just a flu or bug or something seems like, but I’m makin’ sure she stays put, you know?”

“You were always good at taking care of … yeah that’s a good idea,” he mumbled, annoyed at himself for not being there to know these things. Annoyed that he was annoyed.

“Yeah so, you know now. So, um, if you’re not busy with things … or Stark or finding a new place to live with Stark then you should, could, maybe call in if you’ve got the time.”

He fought back a sigh. The sarcastic bitterness was clear in Bucky’s voice and Steve hated it.

“You know it’s not like that at all, Buck.”

The man on the other end of the phone was silent for a beat before he spoke.

“Yeah I guess. Look, either way, you know where we’ll be if you can find the time.”

Bucky hung up and Steve felt that familiar frustrated pit in his stomach as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Sir, if I do say so–” Edwin Jarvis, with the grin of a five year old, began as he rounded the corner with the perfectly poached eggs on a plate, “They turned out wonderfully, almost as good as mine. Seventh time’s the charm, eh?”

He mustered up a smile for the man, but he knew it failed to reach his eyes.

********

Steve showed up two hours later at the door of the Brooklyn brownstone. He brought flowers for her and a huge box of tissues, some cough drops, and even toasted bagels with cream cheese and the works from the old deli he and Bucky used to frequent when they had a few extra dollars for such things back in the day.

Bucky opened the door and looked surprised. Steve hated that he expected him not to show up. “Oh, hey.”

“Hi…” It was awkward. It was never this awkward. God, this sucked, Steve thought.

“Can I ?”

Bucky stepped back, continued to dry his hands on the dish cloth that rested on his arm.

“Sure, come on in. She’s in bed though, has been all morning so…”

“That’s okay I can just leave the stuff here, maybe stick these in some water or something?” He gestured to the flowers which Bucky took as they walked into the kitchen. Steve put the rest of his purchases on the counter as he watched Bucky move smoothly and confidently around the cute mint coloured kitchen he shared with Peggy. Bucky knew where everything was, the place where everything belonged, because he too belonged there. And that was ninety percent of Steve’s issue with this whole thing, he didn’t feel like he belonged.

“I didn’t know if you had lunch yet so I got us bagels,” Steve shrugged, tearing open the paper bag; they were still hot from being toasted. Bucky, who had finished putting the flowers in a very twirly looking vase, looked at Steve then as he slid onto the chair by the breakfast bar.

“Okay, wait are those from–”

“Louie’s? Yeah, you know he’s still working there?”

“You went all the way back to our old haunt for these?” he asked with a sudden beam, coming closer to inspect, then taking a seat beside Steve to grab for his overstuffed one. It made Steve smile for the first time that day.

“Well yeah, I mean, Jarvis drove me but–”

“Oh,” Bucky said, putting the snack down. Steve was almost offended.

“What’s that look for?” he asked and Bucky shrugged, sliding off the seat again and seemingly attempting to get as far away from Steve as he could.

“What? What look?” Bucky countered, but the lie was on his face never mind his tone. “I didn’t give you no–”

“Yeah you did, you’re annoyed with me. I mean it’s obvious but what isn’t is why?”

Bucky rolled his eyes and went back to drying the dishes set on the dish rack.

“I’m fine Steve, just not so hungry, that’s all.”

That was bullshit. He’d seen how his face lit up, and Bucky was always hungry, regardless of time and space. They grew up in the depression and you didn’t forget, it was like the hunger of then never truly left you in the here and now.

Steve set down his snack and sighed.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I just came here to see Peggy and you and you’re acting like–”

“Like what? What am I acting like, Steve?”

Steve turned and slid off the stool, then took the few steps toward Bucky that left him all up in his space, Bucky’s back pushed to the sink.

“Am I acting like I’m hurt? Maybe I am? Am I acting like I’m pissed off, well, yeah, maybe because I am. Am I acting like I don’t know what’s happening what my best friend anymore, well guess what it’s because I don’t.”

“Bucky, stop okay? I don’t wanna fight.”

Bucky’s brows shot up then, a shocked look on his face.

“Well fuck me sideways, I think that’s the first time in your whole damn life you’ve uttered them words.”

“Bucky–”

“You know what maybe you should go check on Peggy. Or I will or something, but I think we just need to … yeah.” He attempted to brush past Steve, but like a violin string that was wound too tight, Steve snapped, and he grabbed for Bucky’s arm, the movement of both of them sending Bucky up against the wall. The clock rattled with the force of it. The look of sheer tension on Bucky’s face told Steve all he needed to know.

“Just stop, okay? Stop and tell me what I did.”

“It’s no–”

“Truth Bucky, for fuck sake, stop lying to me,” he said desperately and Bucky gave in. Neither one moved from their spot though, Bucky still against the wall, Steve still aggressively holding onto the sleeve of his long t-shirt.

“I’m not the one lying, Steve!”

“And what the–”

“It means you. It means you saying you wanted this with me, with Peggy, this thing that we were meant to be attempting, and all of a sudden it’s like you can’t stand to be around us at all. Having too good a time with your Sugar Daddy Howard to bother with us? Took you all of five minutes to get out and never come back. I’m sure he’s able to give you everything you want and more than willing at that!”

The hurt was obvious on Steve’s face, he knew that much, but he couldn’t so much as attempt to school his features.

“The hell are you–”

“It’s _fine_ , you know? If you wanted out all you had to say was that you did. Peg and I were more than clear about that. We don’t want you here if you don’t wanna be here, pal.”

“Bucky that’s–”

“I talked to Stark, okay? Tellin’ me just what an amazing time the two of you have been having over there. The parties, the new tech for your new imagine, the plans for overseas SHIELD work, all on his dime, all for his favourite toy.” Bucky was pissed, that much was clear, his eyes were wild and his face was starting to turn red, but he never lost his grip on Steve either, nor Steve on him. They were so close they could feel each other’s breath as they argued in hushed tones. “He’s just  _ giving  _ you everything you want huh? People like that always want  _ something  _ in return, Steve.”

Steve pushed Bucky then, his anger getting the best of him, and Bucky chuckled, nodding, mean and hurt.

“Like I said, he’s more than willing to give you what you want, and hey maybe a fresh start is what you want huh? Shed the old you completely. That must sound good.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“Yeah I know that,” he bit back, eye contact never once breaking, which unnerved Steve slightly.

“You think I don’t wanna be here? You think I don’t want what we said? I do, and it has nothing to do with Howard and whatever HE might want, it doesn’t mean  I  do.”

Bucky nodded, face still pinched in anger, almost smug that he was right about Howard. Steve shook his head, finally stepping back.

“Then why are you dancing around this? Hm? Why? Because you got a name to protect now, is that it?”

“ _ YES _ !”

Bucky jerked back as if he’d been hit, but Steve continued before he could rant some more.

“Cards on the table Buck, I do. There are people that look to that name and see a hero and … and even though it doesn’t make much sense because I’m still just … just me.” He ran a hand through his hair, stepping one step closer to Bucky subconsciously. “I just can’t let them down. I wanna do some good and I can’t do that if I got the press on my ass and I can’t do that to you two either. Disrupting your lives like this.” He gestured.

“Like what? Steve, having you back is … it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. It’s what we … you were gone okay? And this was never meant to happen. I was never meant to see you again or talk to you … love you … be with you again. Never. But here you are and here we are and we got time now, we got lives, and we’ve got a woman who wants it all with us. I need you to tell me that you know that. That you know that just because we had a past doesn’t mean that Peggy and I don’t have a future with you at the center of it.”

Steve blushed, as much as he hated the fact that he couldn’t control it, and Bucky noticed, touching his cheek, fingers tucking under his chin until Steve met him eye to eye.

“Tell me you know that, Steve.” Bucky shook him slightly, and it was obvious he was holding back. Steve blinked, then Bucky stepped up and kissed him hard and hot on the mouth, his fingers slipping to the back of Steve’s skull, cradling him as close as he could to make his point. By the time Bucky pulled back completely they were both breathless.

“Tell me you know that, Steve,” he pushed, this time softer, quieter, the question in his eyes so in dire need of an answer. Steve could only nod. He wasn’t sure his voice wouldn’t break if he attempted to speak.

“It’s just a lot. I’m scared Bucky.”

Bucky nodded, kissing him again, once, before pulling back.

“We all are, Steve, we all are. But the alternative is just unthinkable at this juncture.”

Steve smiled. “That sounds like a very Peggy thing to say.”

“That’s because she said it,” he smiled back.

Steve didn’t care about anything else in the world just then. He let his guard completely down and wrapped himself around Bucky for a hug he had needed more than air. For a split second he almost wished to be back as he was, able to fit against Bucky so easily then, cocooned in safety. Bucky responded in kind, gently rubbing his back in the process.

“You used to do this when I couldn’t breathe,” Steve said, muffled as it was, into Bucky’s shoulder.

“I know. It worked then, didn’t it?”

“Still does,” he responded, taking a deep breath before pulling back.

“You can breathe now?” Bucky asked, petting down his hair that got ruffled in the process. Steve nodded again.

“Good, so why don’t you come home, Stevie? It’s been long enough, just come home.”

****

Peggy woke up to the sound of scratching, like a pencil to paper, and to the sound of the rain against the window pane. She blinked a few times before she attempted to sit up, and her head immediately reminded her that she was sick as it began to throb.

“Hey,” he said softly, and she saw him then, sitting quietly at the other end of the room, seemingly drawing.

“Steve?” she asked, and he put down his things and made his way over to her. “You’re here?”

“Yeah I’m here. Bucky called me, I hope that’s okay?”

She rolled her eyes, which it also hurt to do.

“Of course it is, don’t be silly.” He put his hand in hers as he sat forward on the seat next to the bed. “Good God tell me you weren’t drawing me like this.” She patted down her hair self consciously. 

He laughed and shook his head.

“No, that would be creepy. Besides, the room is nice in this light. I wanted to work on my shadows. Mostly the window and the rain, your dresser … nothing weird.”

“Where’s Bucky?”

“He uh, he had some errands to run, then said he was gonna swing by his dorm, clean out the room. He has everything handed in so he’s done for the semester.”

Peggy sighed. Bucky and his errands as if she didn’t suspect what those were at this point.

“I always meant to do that with him, this stupid cold...” She had meant to duck out of work early and meet him with lunch, but no.

“Is the medicine helping?” Steve asked, nodding to the array of bottles on her side table.

“Mm, some, I’m mostly just tired and sore.”

“You work too much, you really do.”

“Someone has to,” she said softly, still holding onto his hand. She shivered slightly.

“This is insane. He’s bundled me up with six blankets and I’m still shivery.”

Steve chuckled.

“You think that’s bad? One time, the winter of the year I turned sixteen I took a real bad bout of pneumonia, my god. My mom was working a lot, so he took it upon himself to be my nurse as well as the tyrant of blankets. I swear if he could a made me a cape out of one to wear at all times he would have. Like somehow the more blankets I had, the quicker I’d heal.” Steve rolled his eyes at the memory and Peggy tugged on his hand.

“Come cuddle with me?”

He looked slightly shy for half a second before he stood up. His height was still something that took her breath away. He kicked off his shoes and yanked his navy sweater over his head, screwing up his perfectly parted hair just slightly before he slid in under the many covers next to her. He made such a good pillow, she thought as she unabashedly snuggled close and allowed him to get comfortable.

“I would kiss you, but…” 

“It’s fine. There’ll be plenty of time for kisses,” he reassured whilst leaning to kiss her forehead. If she blushed, she’d blame her fever.

“Will there?” she asked, looking up at him, and he smiled.

“Yeah, I’ve … I’m moving home.”

Her eyes lit up and he was never so relieved. His heartbeat skipped under her palm and she smiled.

“Really?”

He merely nodded.

“I don’t want to hide from this anymore, before weeks turn into months. I made a choice when you both asked, and it’s time I stopped being afraid of that.”

“We’re all afraid, Steve. It’s just–”

“It’ll be worth it,” he countered, confident as he leaned in and kissed her once on the lips. “You’re both worth the world, so yeah, I can deal with things as they come at me. I just hope we all can–”

“We will,” She replied, just as confidently, even if her chest wheezed.

They were both silent for a stretch. The wind was picking up outside and the rain was battering the window a little heavier.

“You know what I can’t stop thinking about, Peg?”

“What’s that?” she asked, her fingers resting again above his heart.

“When you took me aside in New Jersey and took me into that airplane hanger and taught me how to throw a punch.” He spoke with an affectionate laugh in his voice as he squeezed her closer. “I don’t imagine you did that for a lot of the recruits.”

She grinned.

“Well you already knew, but I thought–”

“You taught me to use what I had, not what I wished I had. I always wonder if I could do better now, knowing how to use my slight build better than before.”

“You mean you want to miss out on all those times Bucky had to reset your nose and stitch you up?”

He laughed.

“Right, it was so romantic.”

“I’ll bet it was.” She squeezed back. “He has a lot of those stories.”

“I have ones on him too, you know. He wasn’t a saint.”

She chuckled.

“Who you tellin’ Steve?”

“You know he’d bitch me out? Raising his voice to high heaven, God… There wasn’t a person in the world I feared disappointing more than Bucky Barnes. He had a side eye that told me more than my mother’s. He was always ranting, saying how stupid it was I was for tryin’ to prove how well I was by making myself sick.”

“He had a point,” she stated and he nodded.

“Course he did, the logical son of a bitch.” He smiled. “‘Course I’d never tell him that at the time, but I did … once… before he shipped out.”

“Before or after you promised not to get into trouble?”

He laughed out loud then, because honestly that had lasted all of five seconds.

“Well I figured it would either make me or break me, literally, so I’d be too dead to witness his wrath.”

“Oh, Steve!” she exclaimed. She knew it was true, but the idea of it still gave her pause. She had argued with Stark and Erskine more than once on the subject of the serum.

“But it made me, it gave me the abilities I have, and it saved Bucky’s life. It … it brought you two together. So, it’s a win win right?”

“It brought you back to us,” she said and he took her hand over his chest in his and she squeezed. “And we’ll work it out, we will.”

“What will we tell people?” He asked, for a second his confidence taking a hit.

“Beyond to go fuck themselves?” she deadpanned, making him smile.

“This place is four floors and a basement, the top floor has been storage and a makeshift office, it’s now your apartment, Steve.”

“That easy huh?”

“We’ll  make  it that easy.”

He wanted to believe her, he did, and as the heat of the two of them and the six Bucky approved blankets lulled him into a sleep, he thought they were so crazy that it might just work. Feeling safe and loved, he realised he was home.

 

  
  



	25. Flirting with Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Peggy continues to rule, Commando's Cocktails were really a item on the menu at The Stork Club and sounded delish.  
> Oh yeah, and Bucky gets caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Thanks so much for the kudo and comment love on this guys and for those of you that messaged me about that particular site thieving all the stories from here, mine included. I've taken the necessary steps and I'm waiting for them to remove the stolen stories! The nerve of some people right? But thank you again for the heads up. And thank you to everyone on Tumblr for the love on this! It makes my day! Enjoy this and let me know what you think at the end ;) xo

The venue was buzzing with chatter, seats scraping along the ground, laughter and voices all over the place but their focus was solely on the stage. Waiting.

“God, he just seemed so nervous, Peggy,” Steve whispered, leaning next to her from his seat where he just could not stop fidgeting.

“He’ll be fine, have faith,” she answered back, patting his hand, which sat on his knee. Truth was, Peggy was as anxious as Steve. Bucky hated public speaking, hated crowds, and in general sometimes just plain hated people. So the idea of standing up and speaking in front of a gymnasium full of them hardly sounded appealing. But here he was, of his own accord, his own goals, and she couldn’t have been more proud.

In the row with Peggy and next to Steve sat Jim Morita, and next to him Dugan – sans hat as he was inside. The others were a continent away, but called to wish Bucky well on his speech. There were about two hundred people, give or take, as well as a few media TV people because once word spread that the actual Captain America would be there, well, it generated some buzz. So much for Bucky wanting to keep it low key.

_ WWII – In Our Own Words  _ was written across the banner behind some seats. Stuffy looking lecturers sat making conversation amongst themselves and there was no sign of the man himself, but she knew he was pacing somewhere, probably pulling at his tie. Bucky hated wearing ties now.

The talk began and it featured speakers from all around New York that had been connected in and to the war. Peggy found herself tearing up a time or two while Steve did his best to remain stone faced. Then it was Bucky’s turn, and no one clapped louder than the two of them. He was smiling, nervously, looking up from under his lashes as he took the podium.

“I was asked to speak here tonight because I have the honour of matriculating here with many of you, and to be taught by many of you, because of my history with an American icon,” he turned to the faculty behind him. “I have only been here a short time, but in the time that I have been here I have found a part of myself that I had long since thought lost. You see I enrolled here to explore and expand myself, to learn not just in general but to learn more about myself. After the war I was like most that came back, more than a little lost. Lost in my own head mostly, lost without a sense of purpose, and lost in my grief.”

Steve shifted in his seat, obviously uncomfortable. Peggy remained still.

Bucky shrugged.

“You’ve listened tonight to all kinds of experiences out there on the front lines, in back rooms, and on battlefields big and small, and I was a part of all of it in one way or another. It’s been sorta well documented what happened to me out there, not because I was anything special or any different of any of you out there too, but because I happened to be the best friend of the guy that became a symbol of hope. The idiot,” he finished with a chuckle and the audience laughed with him. Steve just rolled his eyes. “That’s been pretty well documented too, at least officially, and part of what I was doing with the history department here these past few months was aiming to give a more human perspective. Captain America was a name that had spread amongst the units from the States fairly quickly back then. He was this government prop in a spangled suit out there reminding the good folks at home to back their boys at war, help where they could, do their part. I had no idea at the time that the man behind that mask was my best friend.” Bucky aimed his gaze straight at Steve and raised his eyebrows. Steve laughed low and nervously but Peggy saw him grip the side of his chair. She yearned to reach for his hand to comfort him, but knew better. There were too many sets of eyes watching.

“See, the best friend I left back in New York was a hundred pounds soaking wet and had just about every health complaint known to man. There was no way in hell … excuse me, there was just no way this was the same guy. But then you see, I forgot all about Captain America because other stuff was happening. Stuff like Hydra and the deaths of millions of people. So, forgive us all, but thoughts of home weren’t so much on whether or not you all were doing your part for the war, but more that at least you were safe when so many weren’t. And that, that is what it boiled down to for most of us on our own. We fought because if it could happen to these people, these millions of people in Europe, then it could happen to our families, our friends.

No one wanted that.”

He paused and Peggy was filled with such pride that he was doing this sans notes and on the fly. She couldn’t even chair a meeting without notes.

“I was captured with my unit by Hydra in late ’43. We were kept in cages like animals for weeks, each of us, and one by one were taken off – we assumed to be killed, though we all couldn’t figure out why it was done so slowly. Them Nazis, you could say a lot about ‘em but they were efficient in their tasks, and their main task was murder. We eventually figured out though, what exactly it was. And what it was, was torture. Experimentation by their science divisions, they were at the time attempting to create a new race. Race, it was kinda Hitler’s obsession right? The perfect race, as if there is any such thing, but he was a few marbles short of the pack,” the crowd laughed again, “and we were their test subjects. Officially, that’s all I can say. I can’t tell you what happened to me, but I will say that it was bad, real bad, and if I had a worst enemy I wouldn’t even wish it on them. I was tortured by Hydra for seven and a half days before I was rescued, and I was rescued by Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers, who I left in New York a hundred pounds soaking wet, with every ailment known to man, stormed that Hydra base and saved my life. Though for hours afterward I was still half way convinced I had dreamed it all up; there were a lot of things back then I wish I had dreamed up. But he was real, and he was a hero, not just to me or the guys he saved, but ultimately to everyone because it wasn’t Captain America. He wasn’t that singing, dancing bond salesman that saved all those people, that crashed that plane and in doing so saved the world, that was just plain old Steve Rogers, the guy who couldn’t walk away from a fight, even a hundred pounds and bleeding, so I shouldn’t have been surprised he couldn’t do it as a Super Soldier either.”

The chair creaked under Steve’s grip and this time Peggy didn’t care who saw, she reached over softly and took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Bucky scratched the back of his head with a nervous smile.

“I won’t lie, it was a hell of a lot easier to imagine saying this stuff when he wasn’t, you know, sitting right there,” Bucky nodded towards Steve and the crowd laughed again, “But God, I’m sure as anything glad he is.” He smiled before he cleared his throat respectfully and began again. “I could wax lyrical about what it was like for me, doing what they did and living to tell the tale. And I figure maybe one day, but not today, because even though what happened to me and so many others was horrific, at least I’m standing here, able to say these things to people now, and that’s more than millions of others get to do. The reason I started helping the guys in the history department add to their next book was because I wanted to be a part of it, and I wanted, in some small part the personal view of what I and others experienced out there alone and with my Captain and Commandos to be seen by people who could gain something from it. What that something is, well I guess that’s up to you. Thank you for listening to me ramble like a fool, and I’ll hand you back now to Professor Andrew Wilson.” At that the crowd erupted into applause, and Bucky smiled sheepishly, ducking as he nodded in thanks, then turned to shake the other man’s hand and proceeded off the stage. Neither Steve nor Peggy saw this however because they had legged it backstage, or at least ‘side of stage’ to wait for him as he came off.

“So how did I–” Before he could finish, Steve had grabbed him into one of the most aggressively cuddly looking hugs Peggy had ever witnessed, Bucky was just a step or two behind as Steve whispered to him as they stood off in the shadows away from everyone’s prying eyes. “You did amazing Bucky, we’re so proud of you. God damn it so proud.” Steve squeezed him again and Bucky gave Peggy a look, one that said ‘can you believe this fool?’ but she knew he loved it. As she patted Steve on the back she stepped forward, a little more reserved than her counterpart, but stood on her tippy toes to wrap her arms around him tight.

“So bloody proud. That’s one book I’ll be buying that’s for sure,” she attempted, but her voice broke, and then Steve was at her back yanking them both into a hug because he was a giant now with long arms and a heart of stupid gold.

She started to laugh through her tears and Bucky got annoyed.

“Alright, alright, _alriiiight_ , Rogers, Jesus, you’re like a big puppy like this, get off’a me!” Bucky protested, but with a smile on his face.

Peggy smiled too.

“Hmm, okay well, I think this requires a drink or ten don’t you?”

“YES,” they agreed collectively, allowing Bucky to grab his jacket by the stage door, and give the nod to the other men that they were ducking out early. The press were present and waiting patiently, albeit in vain, for a moment with Captain America, yeah that wasn’t going to happen.

“The Stork Club it is then!” she exclaimed happily before pushing them both out the side door.

“Peggy…” Bucky began as the rest all piled messily into a cab some ten minutes later.

“Hm?”

“Thank you.” He looked her in the eye then and she knew instantly it wasn’t just for being there that night, it was for that and everything else. They heard Steve complain about leg room and Morita quip that ‘ _ before this we could ‘a fit you in the trunk, Rogers. Bunch up man, I ain’t sitting on your lap.’ “AW come on it’s a nice lap,” _ Dum Dum commented from the front seat. She was sure she heard the cabbie sigh.

“You’re welcome, love. Now,” she pushed him toward the car, “let’s go get shit faced, shall we?”

He smiled. He could definitely try.

****

Three hours, six ‘Commando Cocktails’ – a drink that amused Peggy to no end and thus made her continue to order them for everything, as well as a mix of just about everything else – and two separate car rides later, Steve and Bucky were rather ungracefully escorting Peggy to the steps of the brownstone from the cab, which was harder than it sounded. Bucky tipped the man generously as Peggy was inquisitive when she was sloshed, and she might have gotten his whole life story from Manhattan to Brooklyn.

“You’re slaughtered Carter,” Steve whispered as she giggled. She had been doing that at everything for at least ten minutes.

“Yes sir I am so very … wait no, I’m not dead am I?” she asked, all cute and confused as they stood at the bottom of the steps. Bucky laughed. They had seen the other men to their separate cab and viewed it best that ‘Steve crash with them,’ and everyone drunkenly agreed and hugged, and kissed, and hugged some more. Steve might have been knocked sideways by that serum in terms of levels of drunk, but he wasn’t exactly completely immune to that much alcohol either.

Dum Dum wanted to test out just how much it took one day soon. Apparently they had a ‘deal.’ Bucky just sighed.

“No Peggy, you’re not dead, though there are steps so, one foot then the other okay?” Bucky began patiently, and she furrowed her brows at him.

“ _ Bucky _ .” 

He knew what was coming.

“Nope,” he laughed.

“Aw, come on,” she begged in a voice so foreign even Steve was laughing. It was so innocent and sweet. “Please?”

“Peggy–”

“ _ James _ ,” she started, more serious. Then, “Come on, be a man, do it.”

He rolled his eyes. Every. Time.

“Peggy, it’s like ten steps.”

She pushed out her bottom lip and Goddamn it…

“Fine. _Fuck_. Hop on.”

She grinned big and wide and stupid and drunk and beautiful and winked at Steve who just laughed again as she took a short skip and hopped on Bucky’s back for a piggy back ride.

“Giddy up!” she laughed as he took the steps at a run before getting to the door with her still on his back, hugging him like a little spider monkey in a blue dress which was now bunched up around her knees and Steve couldn’t help but feel the love. The stupid, dorky kind that no one ever got to see. He was glad he was one of the rare ones.

“My word, you are a strong, strapping young man,” she said in an exaggerated English accent so unlike her own, much more posh. “Both of you, honestly. I’d hate me if I wasn’t me.” She threw herself down on the couch with an exaggerated sigh. Both men entering the living room behind her, Steve shrugging his coat, and carrying hers because apparently drunk Peggy ‘doesn’t need a coat, thank you!’ even though Bucky had to remind her she was only three days over the flu. Steve watched as Bucky slipped out of his coat and shoes, and then as Peggy stole his coat and wrapped herself in it.

“Mmhm, told you you’d get cold,” he said before passing by to go through to the kitchen. Steve heard him running some water as Peggy held out her hand for Steve to take. He did, gladly. She yanked him down beside her ungracefully and just smiled.

“Hi, Steve.”

“Hi yourself,” he grinned back before tucking some stray hair behind her ear.

“This is a nice coat, don’t you think?” she petted the coat and he couldn’t help but find her utterly charming this disarmed and goofy.

“Yes it is.”

“Suits him, doesn’t it?”

“That it does, very well.”

“I like this coat. It smells like Bucky.” She nodded.  


“Hey are you saying I smell?” Bucky asked from the kitchen, clearly not hard of hearing.

“NO I’M SAYING YOU SMELL LIKE YOU AND I LIKE THE YOU YOU SMELL LIKE.”

“Oh, okay,” he answered back, continuing the do whatever it was he was doing in the kitchen.

Steve smiled as she moved closer and put him under the coat too, right before she leaned up to kiss him. He wasn’t hesitant in the slightest to kiss her back.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” she confessed, her hand slipping onto his chest as she leaned up again, this time shifting to straddle him, still under Bucky’s coat. She got rid of his tie first, and then the buttons on his shirt were hastily done away with before she slid her hands up inside his vest, raking her blunt but perfectly painted nails along his chest, making him shiver. “And so has he,” she widened her eyes in false surprise, “but decorum wins and as much as watching you and Bucky make eyes was amusing, it was also torture. But not in here. In here we can do whatever we like, can’t we Steve?”

He bit his lip as she scooted herself closer, all the while warm and safe on his lap. He grabbed her ass and it made her laugh as she leaned in and kissed him again.

_ God he loved her kisses. _

“Steve?” she asked sweetly as she pulled away.

“Hm?”

“Flirt with me a little?”

He grinned then and he knew his cheeks were pink. He was horrible at this, she knew it, Buck knew it, it wasn’t good.

“Peggy,” he whined a little, leaning in to kiss her neck instead.

“Ah-ah-ah,” she chided, pulling back. “Flirt with me, Steven,” she added with a very Director Carter level of authority. It went straight to his dick and he wasn’t even sorry. At that she heard Bucky chuckle as he came out of the kitchen, three cups in hand.

“Peg, for real?”

“What?”

“You are quite _literally_ straddling his dick, darlin’, I think the flirtin’ is moot.”

She narrowed her eyes at him cutely before sliding off Steve’s lap – he missed her heat and weight instantly – and taking a mug from Bucky’s hands, kissing him on the cheek sweetly.

“Thank you, love,” she cooed as Bucky handed Steve the other cup of tea and kept one for himself. “But we have to teach him!”

“Why? I mean, no … really … why?”

“Well _because_ –”

“I’m right here guys.”

“No, but why? Peggy, we’re pretty much a sure thing here so why’s he gotta flirt with strangers?”

“Guys?” Steve attempted to butt in, but to no avail.  


“Because James, everyone should know how to flirt, it’s a good tool to have at one’s disposal, including on the job.”

“Oh I see, so you want him flirtin’ his way into dangers uh huh–”

“You guys?”

“That is not what I’m saying AT ALL I’m simply saying–”

“HEY YOU TWO!!”

At that they both startled and turned to look at him. Bucky was looking smug and Peggy a little embarrassed.

“Mind if I make up my own mind on who and what I flirt with?”

Peggy bit her lip then, looking bashful; Bucky just shrugged and sat down next to him.

“Sorry darling I should just drink my tea and shush,” Peggy began before she took a sizable drink and sighed contently afterward, smushing in next to him on the other side of the sofa.

“Sure Steve, course. But also why?” Bucky asked, nowhere near drunk at all, which surprised Steve, but apparently didn’t surprise Peggy. She on the other hand was still happy-drunk as she sipped her tea next to them.

“Why what?”

“What would you need to be flirtin’?”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“Seriously, coming from you that’s fucking hilarious, Bucky.”

“It IS hilarious,” Peggy chimed in, not taking her eyes off her nails, which she was checking for chips. “You know he flirts with our mailman? The poor boy leaves blushing every time he delivers a package.”

“Aw come on, he started it!” Bucky defended, making Steve laugh.

“Well maybe if you didn’t answer the door in just a towel the poor boy wouldn’t be in the middle of a sexuality crisis,” she added, sipping her drink.

“That was one time, and excuse me he’s not a ‘boy’ okay he’s like … at least seventeen, you know what I was doing at seventeen?” Bucky asked, seriously.

“Steve, probably,” Peggy added with a smirk, looking to them with a cocked brow, making Steve full on cackle.

“Nice to see some things haven’t changed so much then, huh?” Steve added as he left his tea on the coffee table next to Bucky’s before he grabbed Bucky by the tie and pulled him closer.

“Okay so then why,” he sounded out the last word, all appealing and guttural, “is it okay for you, and never for me?”

Peggy’s interest was piqued. She sat her cup down and everything.

“It’s not that–”

“Yes, it is. Even back in the day you used to get almost fit raging jealous if I so much as even tried flirting with someone on my own. Why is that Buck?” Steve’s mouth twitched to smile, but he held it in well. Peggy was silently impressed.

“I don’t – I don’t know,” Bucky stammered, his eyes flitting to Steve’s eyes, then his lips, where he clearly wanted the rest of himself to be. “I just feel–”

“What do you feel, Buck?” At that, Steve slyly slid his hand to Bucky’s belt, then a little lower before he cupped, taking Bucky’s breath away and causing Peggy’s eyes to widen at the sudden boldness.

She realised they were better than any picture she could ever want to go see.

Bucky closed his eyes and let Steve touch for a moment before answering.

“It’s because they aren’t good enough for you and shouldn’t be allowed– oh, God …” he sighed at Steve’s actions, “to … to think they could be.”

“No, it’s because you’re a possessive asshole,” Steve countered, letting go of Bucky and standing up. The reaction on Bucky’s face made Peggy snort, forcing them both to look at her.

“Oops, don’t mind me, really, _keep calm and carry on_ and all that good stuff,” she said, smirk evident.

Bucky just sighed.

“You’re the asshole, Steve.”

“Mm, so I’ve been told,” he said, still standing. “Mostly by you, a fellow asshole, so it really doesn’t count.”

Bucky narrowed his brows at Steve.

“I’m too tired for this riddle shit Rogers, what the hell?”

“And I’m tired of you trying to wrap me in cotton wool, Barnes.” Steve spoke with all sarcasm and playfulness out of his voice, instead there was only candour. “I’m okay. I’m going to be okay no matter what, now. No one can hurt me, unless they’re built like brick shit houses and enhanced to boot.” He smiled. “Romantically, it’s irrelevant, because I have never belonged anywhere other than with you before, and after everything I lost I know I ain’t ever belonged anywhere other than right here with both of you, after. Isn’t that right, Peggy?”

Peggy got up and moved to hug Bucky before yanking Steve’s tie and turning it into a bigger one.

“That’s so very correct. Out there is one thing, in here is entirely another.  Here, we’re safe, we’re allowed to be who and what we really are, be that afraid or silly, full of shit or full of doubt,” she chuckled. “Here is where we belong, together, as long as it’s what we need and want. We belong to no one but each other, right?”

The men nodded, Steve holding her in one arm, Bucky with another, all of them clumsily wrapped around each other.

“So stop worrying and let’s get on with things, shall we?”

Bucky smiled at both of them. As always, Peggy put his mind at ease.

“Yes, let’s, I want to see how handsy a lush Peggy Carter gets!” Steve exclaimed with a smirk, causing Peggy to wrap both her arms around his neck.

“One, excuse you, I am no lush. And two, _yes, lets!”_ she grinned, silly and placated.

Bucky shook his head before leaning in to kiss Peggy on the cheek, then Steve too before ruffling his hair to annoy him again. But they did discover that not only is Peggy a real handsy drunk, but that there is only so gentle a super soldier times two can be when too excited.

And that’s how they succeeded in breaking the bed and Peggy thanked God that they had no neighbours above or below them in moments like that.

*****

Hangovers weren’t her favourite thing in the world, nor were things like waking up on a mattress on the floor, surrounded by broken wood and two very clingy soldiers. But, as it stood, Peggy had woken up in worse places feeling a lot worse and much less happy than she woke that morning.

Their domestic bliss lasted all of that morning until she had to report to work for an emergency meeting, and Steve broke the news to Stark about his new living arrangements. He assured her over the phone that he took it well, and while he thought it odd and a little strange, he gave Steve his blessing as well as the number of one of his decorators. As for the bed situation, Bucky waved them off with a  ‘I know a guy,’ to which Steve just shook his head and spooned more sugar into his coffee and went back to the living room to watch the TV, and Peggy left them to it.

“Hey there, Ms. Carter,” came the sound across the lobby and sure enough there he stood in brown slacks, tan shoes and a crisp white shirt. His hair was perfectly styled and he was looking ever so smug. She had had a difficult morning, first with Howard in one of his moods, then with forming the new board and calls to elect a committee to elect a council of security to act as impartial advisors to SHIELD and the like. It was all making her head hurt. Phone call after phone call, all passed through channels and red tape all to make sure she and SHIELD were on the ‘up and up with Washington,’ as Howard was so fond of reminding her.  She just wanted food, and decent coffee, and it was as if he had read her mind from Brooklyn, standing there with a bag in one hand and two coffees in another.

She smiled.

“You’re a saint, you know that?”

“Eh, I have my moments. This chick is new.” He pointed to the secretary at the front desk who now looked terrified.

Yes, she probably was new.

“Director Carter, it um, it said on your list that no one was to be let up today because of the meetings.” Her name badge told Peggy that the woman’s name was Angela.

“Angela, this is James Barnes,”

“‘Hem,” Bucky added, clearing his throat softly.

“James Bucky Barnes and he’s my boyfriend.”

Bucky beamed, “See, told ya. I’m her boyfriend, Angie.”

The woman’s eyes widened, as if she were going to get into trouble. Bucky’s smugness didn’t help.

“So, basically, he doesn’t need to be cleared. Actually, you know what there needs to be a better system for this. You could just get your own swipe pass Bucky.”

“And miss talkin’ to beautiful women before I talk to my beautiful woman? Come on now, where’s the fun in that?”

Peggy cocked a brow and he all but deflated.

“Right, sure, that’s great. Pass it is.”

“Are you coming to eat with me then?” she asked as they bid Angela goodbye and walked back toward the elevators.

“No can do actually, I have this thing in town.”

“Another errand?” Peggy asked, and he caught her look.

“It’s nothing okay, least nothing to worry about. I just got a few things I need to do and then I’m heading back to help Steve with the decorating. Not that he needs it of course, he probably has the whole thing painted by now anyway, but I offered, so…”

Small talk was made as she sipped her perfect coffee from the deli two blocks over, then as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared spouting some nonsense as well as some rather flimsy excuses. Honestly it was as if he forgot he was dating a co-director of a covert intelligence agency.

“Angela?” Peggy asked, watching Bucky leave through the glass windows, but speaking to the woman standing behind the desk. She was petite like Peggy but much thinner, delicate and birdlike grace behind her big blue eyes and perfectly styled silky looking blonde hair.

“Yes Ma’am?”

“It’s Peggy, really.”

“Really? Director Stark makes us call him … well … Director Stark.”

Stark would, she thought.

No, when possible Peggy preferred to be just simply Peggy. Not so used to the hierarchy of rank, or being at the top of it yet.

“Do me a favour and keep my lunch safe for me for a while will you, oh and forward whatever calls to my assistant until I get back, even from Mr. Stark.”

“Of course, anything else?”

Peggy looked at her then and smiled, “Yes, can I borrow your coat?”

******

Twenty minutes, realising she was in the wrong shoes and an impromptu cab ride later, she had successfully followed Bucky, unbeknownst to him, to a warehouse by the water. She knew instantly that Stark Industries owned it, because not only had she been there before but as with all things Howard there was a bloody obnoxious SI logo on the doors.

“What the actual Jesus are you doing, Bucky?” she asked herself out loud because of course. It took her another five to case the building and find an entrance at the southwest corner that led to a back staircase. She followed the stairs, one door at the top, unlocked, and she let herself in. It was a viewing area of sorts, and it hadn’t been there last time she was that’s for sure.

That’s when she saw what was happening down below. The setup was one like a barn, no longer a storage facility, and now it looked more like a lab on one side and an obstacle course on the other. Only it wasn’t for sport, it was for endurance of another kind.

Violence.

There he was, now in nothing but his running shorts and running shoes, taking on three at a time, first with a metal bar, then with his bare hands, then crates he’d throw and use the broken wood as more weaponry. Peggy was transfixed.

“Director Carter, what a nice surprise!” came the voice behind her, one she didn’t instantly recognise. It was a woman, black hair, smile genuine; she was Asian-American and apparently knew Peggy on sight.

“I’m sorry I don’t–”

“Agent Feema Ang, we met in Paris last year when I passed my recruitment and was–”

“Oh yes of course Dr Ang, I’m sorry, forgive me I’m a little distracted at the moment. What is the–” she thought better than to show her hand because she knew exactly what she was dealing with. This woman was SHIELD but that’s all she knew. “Update on the test subject currently engaged?”

“Positive, extremely so. We’ve discovered the neurological enhancements are substantial at this point that we can tell, and we’re in the process of determining what that means long term. Short term, it’s extremely positive however; improved memory, cognitive, sensory enhancement… beyond that his cell regeneration seems to be just about on par with the original dosage reactions. Speed, strength and agility are all scoring extremely high. While not an exact replica of Dr. Erskine’s original, it doesn’t seem to have as many flaws as we had anticipated. His healing time is excellent also.” She sounded proud, and Peggy wanted to slap her.

“But the flaws that you found?” She tore her eyes away from the woman, focusing then on Bucky down below. He had knocked out seven men in less than three minutes, and he hadn’t broken a sweat. They had him at a firing range set up next, farther down the line. Peggy saw in the distance a table with an array of weapons to choose from. Of course he picked up the sniper rifle first.

The woman shrugged, her eyes locked on the scene below as well.

“His temperament, for one, is somewhat unstable. When we run the tests for example he gets extremely agitated, violent even. There was an instance where he punched one of our assistants clear across the room with one hand with surprisingly low levels of epinephrine and cortisol, even while under duress and acting out.”

“When he acts out do you by chance have him strapped down and are poking him with sharp instruments?”

The woman nodded. Peggy sighed.

“Well then,” Peggy took his file off the table, and it was huge. She took a look at the dates on the first page to finally find out how long this had been going on. “Anything else of note?”

“He’s fast, extremely so. Strong, focused, razor sharp shooter – though I hear that was a rep he had before they got their hands on him.”

Peggy internally felt sick at the thought of ‘they’ and what their hands did.

“Mmm yes, anything else?”

“Nothing worrying beyond what I explained there were extremely high levels of testosterone, as well as the usual presence to allow for accelerated cell regeneration etcetera, much like Captain Rogers in that regard.”

“And you know this how?”

“Ma’am?”

“You can compare the two because? Last I knew the samples of St – Captain Roger’s blood were unavailable for use.”

“Yes Ma’am but that was before … before he came back and new blood was taken. We’ve had a fresh supply almost weekly since he got back.”

Peggy’s stomach dropped.

“Supply?”

“Well, a vial or two nothing overly wasteful of course. It was merely for comparison you understand. Comparing Mr. Barnes’ blood work to his and such.”

Peggy eyeballed the woman. Whether she knew the nature of her relationship with Bucky remained unknown, if she did she wasn’t making it obvious. Either way, Peggy found she didn’t care about that so much as what they were doing this for.

“Mr. Stark is?”

“He observes when he can; sometimes he carries out some of the more delicate tests on Mr. Barnes himself. He’s a quiet fellow, deadly, amazing, but deathly silent when he steps into that chair.”

“Mmm yes, I can’t imagine why,” she said dryly. Heavens forbid a man that survived Nazi torture feeling not so chatty when forced to relive it for science. “When Mr. Stark brought Mr. Barnes in on this–”

“Ma’am?”

“In on the project, when Howard sought out–”

“No … Director Carter, I assumed you were cleared for this?” the woman clued in then, still not fully calling Peggy’s bluff, but close. “Mr. Barnes came to him. It’s all right there in his file.”

“Right, of course. Forgive me, it’s a strange sort of week. You have a copy of this at the tower I assume? His file?”

The one she had in her hands when she retrieved Steve’s but out of respect and sheer stupidity she didn’t open. She knew better, she always knew better. She should have trusted her gut when she felt something was wrong.

“Yes Ma’am, Mr. Stark has all the files sent over after every meeting.”

Peggy nodded.

The woman looked out the large glass window again and began talking her through what they were doing, but by the time she got done with her sentence, Peggy was gone.

Gone and back to the tower, dazed and more than a little confused.

But as always, determined.

Determined to find out just what the hell Stark was up to and why the hell Bucky had agreed to be any part of it!

 


	26. A Little Rough & Tumble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy is left reeling. Threats are made. Steve embraces his bold side, oh and Bucky used to bring girls 'guilt flowers' apparently.
> 
> Ps. Warning for somewhat mild breath-play, and some details of Bucky's time of torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Hope you enjoy the new chapter! As always reviews/chitchat is actively encouraged! Hit me up here or on tumblr if you'd like :D xo

 

Peggy didn’t return to work right away.

It was nearly impossible for her to think straight, her mind was racing too much. She was experiencing an array of emotions, all of which were leading her to either lash out or cry. As things stood she desperately wanted to do both. What she wanted more than that however, was to know _why_. Why was he doing what he was doing? Why had he, after all the time that had passed, decided that now was the time for this, whatever this was? She wrapped herself in Angela’s coat as she walked back the way she came, and for a good ten minutes just spent it on a bridge, hoping the answers would be in the water somehow.

They weren’t, and her rage was still palpable. So, she got herself a cab, and got herself back to work, thanked Angela (‘call me Angie, please!’), smiled, and made her way to Records.

She found his file, the one that she had when Steve asked for his, only it wasn’t the only one anymore. Now there was a second file, a much larger one, and her heart sank.  She flipped through it on the elevator ride to the top; words stood out like ‘aggressive’ or ‘enhanced’ and she saw that he had undergone physiological evaluations, therapy, neurological testing, psychological testing, and he had done so with Stark, all under her nose.

She was hurt, she was pissed, and it didn’t bode well.

“Is he in?”

“Uh, Director Carter, please! Just let me tell him you’re here he’s in a–”

She marched on past Marcy or Mary or whatever pin up model he had masquerading as his secretary this week, and right into his office.

He was in the middle of a meeting, but it wasn’t for business. His lips left the girl’s instantly. He didn’t even look embarrassed, but she did.

“Peggy what a surprise, this is–”

“Get out,” Peggy said, directed toward the girl, she was a redhead this one, and not wearing stockings, in March. On the other hand, she had the sense to look bashful and to listen. She got off his lap instantly, which in turn pissed him off.

“Come now Peg there’s no need to be–”

“Get out, _now_ ,” Peggy directed back at the girl who now looked scared.

Peggy was sure she had fire in her eyes so perhaps she was right to be scared.

Once the girl left Peggy slapped the file down onto the desk with such force it blew papers off that landed at his feet. He grimaced.

“What the fuck is this Howard?”

“So he finally told you then,” was all he said, getting up from his seat and coming around to her side of the overly large desk.

“I want to hear it from you, what the hell–”

“Peggy, calm down, please it’s-”

“Don’t you DARE tell me to calm down or I will throw you out of this window Howard Stark, and don’t you think for one second that I won’t, now tell me what the fuck is going on!”

He flexed his jaw.

“He came to me, alright? He came to me and asked me to help, and I did.”

She just cocked a brow.

“He came to me and said that he was tired of not knowing. That he had researched as far as he could go on his own, done the readings, that he knew on a certain level what was done to him but that he knew he would need resources … money … doctors … to see just exactly what it all meant for him. So, I said I would be the guy who would peek behind the curtain basically. Without Steve or the original serum I had no way of knowing exactly what he was infected with, but with his blood and then eventually with Steve’s … I’ve been working on reverse engineering the serum again. And getting Bucky the answers he craves.”

“He was infected with their versions, three of them, the first two failed – he had two heart attacks and a mild stroke on that table, Peggy. The third one healed any defects the first two produced. After that, well he wasn’t real forthcoming, but one can only imagine what else they injected him with to experiment.”

“And what have you been injecting him with, hmm?” Her anger was reaching new levels. If she wasn’t careful she would give herself a stroke.

“Nothing.”

Peggy didn’t believe him and it showed.

“Nothing, Carter, I swear to God. We’ve been testing him that’s all.”

“Testing how?”

“His limits.” Was that all he would say? “It’s here in black and white, or ask him yourself if you must, since I’m guessing you’re here with anger and tears in your eyes because no, this news didn’t come from your boyfriend’s mouth at all did it?”

Peggy didn’t respond, instead she took to the window, to the view of Manhattan as if it held the answers, maybe. She wanted to close herself off, to not have to think about this at all. She knew war horror stories; she had seen some of them for herself. The freed from the camps she had witnessed, their stories, the stories of others, soldiers missing limbs, bodies littering fields, the aftermath of a bomb in a central town, the children, dear God so many children.

But this, this was so personal it didn’t just hit her in the heart, it hit her soul. They had fucked with him and back then she had been compliant in following orders, following her leaders, and it took Steve to shake her of that, to bring him home. If she had acted sooner, hell, if she had acted at all perhaps it would never have happened? But it did. It happened to him and countless others probably before and after, she hated herself in that moment.

Peggy couldn’t speak, so she didn’t. Instead, she took the file and marched out of his office as steadily as she marched in, ignoring his protests of her exit as she went.

She couldn’t go home, not in the mood she was in. She couldn’t face him or Steve and pretend that she didn’t know what she knew. She couldn’t lie, she didn’t have the energy. And for someone that lied for a living she realised how ironic that was.

He had lied to her though, and that was what stung most on a personal level. As hypocritical as she knew it would sound, she hated that he had done so. Having gone through what they went through when she kept Paperclip, and ultimately the news of Stark’s search for Steve being found from him. She had her reasons though, and most of them were to protect him from getting hurt, or getting his hopes up only to have them dashed. She wanted to be logical and if she was she knew why he had done the same, if he was ‘infected’ with something wrong or detrimental, it wasn’t any of her business until he made it her business. He was entitled to a private life, just as she was, and she knew all of this, yet it did little to lift her heart.

So there she sat, in the window seat of the diner two blocks over, nursing her cup of tea long since gone cold, and a file that she refused to open.

If he was testing himself to get back into the field now that Steve was back, she saw in him that urge to follow his Captain, his commandos, to – as they had joked – get the band back together. But would he? He had gone through more than them in the psychological sense, and that was sometimes harder to bounce back from than the physical. But even if that were his reason, they were just that, his reasons. She couldn’t interfere, and judging by his lack of trust in her with the knowledge it was clear he didn’t want her interference. So she would just have to suck it up, compartmentalize this too, like so much in her life. She would tuck it away until it was needed. Maybe he would come around on his own terms. Whatever would happen, she knew, it had to be his choice.

She sighed and played with the edge of her china cup, before looking up to see a friendly smiling face.

“Director Carter, I thought that was you. I figured I’d come say hi.”

“Angela hi,” Peggy smiled with some effort.

“Angie, remember?”

Peggy rolled her eyes at herself. “Of course, I’m sorry, and it’s Peggy, too.”

Angie smiled, “You okay Peggy?”

No, she really wasn’t.

“It’s been a day, that’s all.”

“You’re tellin’ me,” the bubbly dark blonde all but sighed, taking a seat in front of Peggy, a tone of voice that felt so casual, Peggy felt she’d heard it all her life. “Today was only my second day and man alive that place is just crazy.” She shook her head, her to-go coffee cup in hand. “And between you and me, I don’t much think that Irene likes me much.”

Peggy knew Irene to be the head of Human Resources for Stark Industries. Howard had been too cheap to hire another person for SHIELD too, so she had double duty, but less pay than she was probably owed. Peggy often wondered why she stuck around.

Loyalty, she supposed. Howard had an odd way of inspiring it, even when you wanted to throttle the bastard.

“I wouldn’t worry about her. She likes to use her power for evil sometimes, but she’s okay for the most part, give it a while and she’ll soon warm to you.”

“You think? She had me scrubbing the ladies room down in the lobby this afternoon and I figured my job was desk – least that’s what my father told me when they got me in.”

“Your father got you in?”

“Yeah, it was … well it is a battle we have every week, what I do for a living. I want to be an actress, he tells me I’m crazy and need to get my head out of the clouds. And I let him tell me it one too many times, and when I had to ask for rent more than once in the last six months, he put his foot down. So, I took a course, and he knows Irene’s husband Don, so I’m on trial. God, I’m so sorry,” she blushed. “I don’t know why I’m tellin’ you all of this.”

Truth was the distraction of someone else’s problems, as mundane and ordinary and non-life threatening as they were, were welcomed. It was nice to pretend to be a normal woman with normal problems like rent and parents to deal with, as opposed to spies and governments, and super soldier boyfriends.

“No, please go on, it’s a welcome reprieve from what’s been bugging me.”

“Somethin’ to do with you stalkin’ that handsome man of yours today?”

Peggy smiled.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“He ain’t cheatin’ on you is he? ‘Cause if he is he’s an idiot, I mean look at you. But … if he is … I know a guy.”

At that Peggy burst out laughing. She happily sat through another hour of Angie’s drama, and found that when she left – sharing a cab with her, dropping her off in Dumbo – that she felt lighter, and glad that while it had been one of the worst days at work in a while, she was content to know she had made a friend.

                                                           ****

Steve was feeling accomplished. A personal mission was as good as a professional one, he found, and decorating was one way to do that. The entire top floor was his now; a bedroom space that was bigger than his entire apartment before the war, a small toilet, and a room that was to double as a living room slash office. He had spent the entire day painting the whole upper level walls, skirting boards, and coving, all in various muted shades of soft grey and off white trim. The place was looking a little more loved now, and a lot sleeker than before. There had been this hideous floral wallpaper that Bucky had commented reminded him of ‘a bunch of sad vaginas,’ and after he had finished laughing at his horrible joke, preceded to help him move some furniture before he left to go … wherever it was he was going. He’d need a bed, but then they all sort of needed a bed as things stood. Though Bucky ‘knew a guy’ Steve was tempted to just call Jarvis and ask if he knew any stores that did same day delivery, but thought against it, because if Steve remembered one thing it was that Bucky knew a lot of ‘guys’ who had a lot of ‘ways’ of getting what they needed. Always had, even when they had nothing but the air in their lungs, and sometimes Steve didn’t even have that.

By the time the sun had gone down, he was feeling proud, and starving.

But mostly proud.

The old but comfortable looking dark blue velvet sofa that sat in the attic now sat in his living space. There was a coffee table, some books from downstairs, a pair of dark navy curtains that used to belong in the guest bedroom on the other floor, the one that was now going to be Peggy’s office, though Steve wasn’t sure why she couldn’t work from the same workspace as him. Then again, she had a hell of a lot more stuff to do than he did. He made a mental note as he lit the fire in his living room to get her something nice for her new room, before he added to his physical notes of things he might need to pick up. A few new lamps, maybe some art supplies. If the view from the attic windows was any indication, he had a sweet view of the bridge and the houses and people below that he had the sudden urge to sketch. By the time Peggy came home with a shout to announce her presence, he had all but bundled down the stairs like a kid.

“Hey!” he said, aware that he was probably still covered in paint, and not the most welcoming of sights. That didn’t seem to matter to her though, she looked at him like he was water in the desert, and before she had her coat off she had engulfed him in a huge hug which he was more than happy to reciprocate.

“You okay, Peggy?”

She shook her head and his heart ached. But she pulled back and he saw it, the fake smile that took up residence on her face.

“I will be, I just … I just needed a hug I guess.”

“Can you talk about it?”

She looked to be considering it before she wiped her nose discreetly with the back of her hand, and under her eyes. She’d been crying, he realised.

“No I don’t think I can just yet.”

He nodded, putting his arm around her and taking her coat before leading her up the stairs, “How about I show you how I spent my day and then you hop in the shower and I’ll cook us something hm?”

She looked at him funny.

“Don’t believe anything Bucky says, I AM a good cook.”

She smiled as he got to his floor and began showing off. She loved it. Loved it more because it meant he was home for real now.

She kicked off her shoes and fell back on to the couch, dragging him with her and sat contently in his arms, admiring the new make over the rooms around them had gotten.

“You did a great job. It finally looks fit for human company,” she said with a smile, cuddling closer still, and he happily cuddled back.

“Thanks, I figure even if I never use it we could all do with having our own space every now and then. It’s an amazing house.”

“It’s still technically Howards, though my name is on the deed now too. He just … _gave_ me a house.” She shook her head.

“What was the catch?”

She chuckled.

“All those boxes in the attic and basement are his. Schematics, plans, that sort of thing, files, all kinds of nonsense.”

“What kind of plans?”

“Weapons, bases, prototypes. I stopped trying to understand what they were the first year. He has safe houses all over the place apparently with nothing in them but files. He’s an odd bird.”

Steve smiled, that he was, but he had a good heart in there somewhere, though sometimes – most of the time – his heart seemed to get drowned out by his brain and his damn near scary desire to be the best at everything.

“And it’s okay with you? That he keeps all that here?”

She shrugged.

“Eh, we can handle it. Hydra learned the hard way when they tried to attack me in my old place, and you know this place has a secure panic room right? Bucky showed you?”

“He did, it was mind blowing, and a little weird that it’s in my ‘bedroom’.”

“I think you can handle it. Not that you’ll be in there much if Bucky or I have a say in it.”

He grinned as she moved up to kiss him, her hands gracefully moving up his chest, to his cheek and ultimately to his hair. The shiver that ran through him as she scraped her nails on his scalp was addictive. He was feeling bold, so instead of asking permission for what he thought she wanted, he just took the lead. He could do that now that he was confident that she would respond well, and if she didn’t it wasn’t the end of the world and they could stop. But he was getting better at reading her moods. And this mood meant she wanted reassurance and judging by the day she’d had maybe some tenderness too, and if he could do that he would, in whatever way they both needed.

Instead of attempting this on the couch, too small for both of them to do it the way he wanted, he moved them both swiftly to the floor; her on top, him taking the brunt of the hardwood, softened only by the rug. She laughed but didn’t protest at all, instead she hastily began to straddle him, their lips never once parting, laying over top of him, her soft weight grounding him in the moment so exquisitely, the smell of her soap and perfume all intoxicating and only adding to his arousal.

Lips on lips, lips to neck, she could feel the soft scrape of scruff on her neck making her shiver, and soon she’d had enough and began to remove the layers between them, but he wasn’t having it. He flipped them around gently, and soon she was trapped under his weight, her thighs spread, her skirt bunched around her waist.

She would have laughed if she wasn’t so bloody turned on.

As his fingers yanked down her stockings and her underwear and gingerly slid inside her, working her over slowly, but ever deepening. She sighed happily, forcing all thoughts of the day out of her head, making room for only this, only him and pleasure.

Her hands yanked his t-shirt – paint stained and smelling like hard work – up over his head, messing up his hair adorably as he smiled a dorky smile to make her laugh before nuzzling at her neck again.

“Steve–”

He kissed and licked, grabbed soft skin between his teeth softly, then let go. All of it only servicing to drive her crazy.

“Steve–”

He started in on his belt, yanking it open, and reaching for the buttons on his paint stained jeans.

“ _Steve_!”

“What? You okay?” he looked up, startled. She just shook her head.

“Condom, my love.”

He looked to the side, as if thinking.

“Shit … _shit_ … okay be right back … don’t move!” he cautioned with his hand up, as if she’d somehow run away. Hyper and aroused, he jumped to his feet with not-so-surprising agility and made his way speedily out of the room, belt falling to his sides as she saw him disappear down the stairs to the master bedroom. Peggy caught her breath, laying there, disorientated on the floor, noting that he had even painted the ceiling, and she noticed the cold without him there to keep her warm. She didn’t have more than a minute or so to contemplate the day before he was back, grinning like a fool that was somehow so contagious.

As they got back into things, Peggy decided that while his sweet and softly-does-it ways of lovemaking were wonderful, and they were, it wasn’t what she needed. Not then, not with flashes of Bucky on that chair and in those files. Not the memory of him taking out those men without so much as breaking stride or sweat.  No, she needed something else. She needed to be taken in a way that made her forget.

As diligent as always, she rid herself of her stockings, or rather, stocking, and shimmed herself out of her skirt before he swatted her hands away and undid her blouse for her. The look of concentration on his face would forever amuse her. When she was laying there in just her bra and underwear, he lost all composure once again, and she used that to her advantage. She enveloped her arms around his neck then steadied herself before shimmying until her thighs were clenched around his waist. He gasped and rutted rather helplessly against her, still in his jeans, closing his eyes and burying his face into the side of her neck, mumbling something she couldn’t quite hear.

Once he yanked out of the remainder of his clothes she wasted no time in using their protection and guiding him home.

Unable to do much other than bite his lip to suppress the cry of pleasure that he knew he’d never tire of as he pushed inside her, softly at first, giving her time to adjust. She was having none of it, apparently, and instead flipped them back over and pushed herself on him completely. His fingers grasped into her sides as she started to unapologetically ride him.

When she scratched her nails violently down his chest he instinctively pushed into her, moaning loudly, embarrassingly. He didn’t care, he couldn’t care, not when it felt that good.

“Stop,” Peggy said, reaching her hands around his neck, bucking her hips over and over and over.

“St- _Stop_?”

“Stop holding back, Steve, stop it right now. I don’t want gentle, I don’t need gentle. Just … Just … God!” she moaned, throwing her head back, her grip tightening. She was so much stronger than she looked, he remembered then as the pressure took the air from him in the most erotic of ways. He did as he was told – a good soldier always did – and flipped her back, violently this time, no concern for her comfort, and she did nothing but egg him on.

It was all she needed in those moments; to utterly lose herself in him, to feel him on top of her, hammering into her, no tenderness to be found, as her fingers sharply dug into his shoulders, both of them already wrecked with adrenaline and a little fear. Panting and gasping and yet she still wanted more.

So he gave it to her, and then some. Starting with returning the favour and clasping his hand around her delicate, soft neck, and pushing down just so, stealing the air from her as he fucked her deeper with each thrust.

“Peggy–” Steve attempted, but failed at words. He wanted to reassure her, but somehow was feeling too lost to even reassure himself. But, if she wasn’t feeling it she would stop him, he knew that, right?

Instead, she closed her eyes, bit her lip and pulled him closer, letting his face nestle at her shoulder as they both frantically attempted to push each other over the edge. All the while Steve remained terrified of hurting her, of going too far, of being too rough. There seemed to be no such thing though as she came, and thus came apart in his hands, her body rigid and then pliable in his arms. He wasn’t far behind her – merely seconds, if anything, and even he surprised himself that he had lasted as long as he had given how they were acting.

“Jesus, Mary and St. Joseph, that was um … wow,” Steve began as he moved out of her, and he caught her wincing before she sighed happily. Her body was as red as his, scratches almost matching too.

She chuckled.

“Mmhmm, I agree, very wow.” She smiled before grabbing Steve’s shirt and dressing herself in it, and only it, and getting up as if they’d just had a cup of tea and a chat. Not … what they had just had.

“Darling, you need a shower, as do I but if we both go in we’ll waste all the water and never get clean. You go first, and I’ll put the kettle on.”

                                                                       &&&

Since they had no proper bed to sleep in, Peggy being diligent, decided that that night they would sleep in a makeshift fort, inside the bedroom. She was rather proud of her little tepee of blankets over chairs, an old sleeping bag, all the cushions from the living room, and of course the mattress. She even draped some pretty scarves over her lamps to give the room a warmer glow. When she got to the kitchen again she witnessed Steve in full swing, cooking a late dinner. He was in his element, she noticed, confident with her egg timer and all the proper cookware and it smelled amazing.

“Well, well, maybe I should send Bucky to Stark’s for a week or so, see how he gets trained up,” she commented, making Steve smile when he turned to face her. He was happy, and it made her happy. It made her want to forget all she had found out that day.

“That obvious, huh?”

“Not really, only Bucky said you weren’t much of a cook. And Mr. Jarvis likes a project.”

He grimaced.

“That son of a bi– Actually I think you’ll find he was the one that would burn WATER, but ... whatever.” He turned back to his pans, mumbling something about ‘he always said he liked my stew…’ before Peggy took a seat on the kitchen counter behind him, enjoying the view.

He heard the door close and then a very cheerful call out from Bucky came from the hallway.

“Honeys I’m home,” he said before laughing at his own joke, the nerd. Steve rolled his eyes but smiled as he came in to view.

“Well, hey there, you two.” He was flushed, but smiling, and he had flowers, which he gave to Peggy.

She looked surprised from where she sat on the counter.

“Flowers? What did you do?” she asked comically, clearly kidding as she accepted her small bouquet. Steve laughed, because yeah, back in the day with girls he was seeing flowers always meant he was seen talking to another dame and felt guilty, or he was going to break up with them. Steve still remembered the hilarious sight of Bucky Barnes getting his ass hand to him by a little woman of no more than five feet, tulips and daisies used as a weapon. It was a sight to see.

“Nothing at all, I just saw them and thought you’d like them, is that okay?” he smiled still before leaning in to kiss her. He turned to Steve then, a playful look on his face, so Steve played along as Bucky leaned in to kiss him too.

“God damn this is an awesome thing to be able to do.” He shook his head at himself more than anything before revealing a separate rose of which he took far too much pride in giving to Steve.

Peggy giggled, and it was a glorious sound.

“It’s stupid, I know, but–”

“It’s not stupid,” Steve defended before taking his rose, putting it on the counter and leaning in and kissing him this time. Sure, he blushed, but he figured it would always be the case when anyone was watching – even Peggy – after so many years of having it be so forbidden.

“You’re letting Steve cook?” he asked, shocked as he noticed the food.

“Letting? Excuse me…” Steve piped up, semi-offended if he was being honest.

“What? He says he’s a good cook!” Peggy defended, popping a grape in her mouth.

Bucky rolled his eyes with a sigh.

“Jesus, he’s worse than you and that’s saying–”

“HEY!” she threw a grape at him with a scowl on her face. “I am not that bad!”

“Darlin’ I love you, but that’s bullshit.”

“One time I mess–”

“And three times you almost burnt the kitchen to the ground, and twice you set the gas the wrong way and three–”

“Okay, okay. So I’m no chef. But look it, he’s doing fine.”

He seemed to be, but appearances could be deceptive.

“Thank you, Peggy. At least someone here has some faith in me.”

“Hey, Stevie I got all the faith in the world, but much like my faith in God I ain’t SEEING what I may believe in, you know what I’m sayin’?”

Steve sighed and flipped the steak, passive aggressive as you’d like as Peggy hopped down off the counter and over to where he stood.

“Ok, so I’m not the most Lady Like of Ladies,” she rolled her eyes. “And okay, I’m better with a rifle than a wooden spoon, so sue me. But I think I’d like to learn, eventually. I like having skills in things and cooking … might be one of them.”

“You are a lady, Peg,” Steve added flipping something else in another pan as he looked back with a smile aimed for her. She smiled back and then Bucky found himself smiling and then they were just three smiling idiots in a kitchen.

“Yeah you are a lady, Peggy. You are the lady-est lady I ever did lay,” Bucky added and it earned him a light slap on the chest as he grabbed her ass and pulled her closer.

“And I’ll teach you a few things if you’d like.”

Both Steve and Peggy smirked at that. Dirty minded bastards; for once he was being sincere.

Sorta.

Peggy didn’t ask where he learned to cook or how because she knew. His Ma had a big family of young kids and he was the oldest. The only boy, sure, but keen to help. They had all died while the war was going on, all of them within months of the other. He never talked about it, never. But she knew.

There were a lot of things they didn’t talk about and he wasn’t sure if that would change. Part of him hoped it would, while another part never wanted to go there.

“So what’s for dinner then, cook?” he asked Steve, and Steve gave a wave to the pans.

There were potatoes boiling, steaks and chicken in some kind of spiced glaze in the oven. Everyone was starving and more than ready for it.

Taking a seat at the table like a normal person, Bucky followed Peggy and sat down too. Helping himself to the pitcher of lemonade that sat there.

“So, how was your day?” Peggy asked as he poured her a glass too. She wasn’t looking at him, instead looking at the glass.

“Oh you know, a few things here and there. Had a session with the new kid at the gym, showin’ him the ropes.”

“Oh, really? That’s interesting, is he a boxer?”

“Starting out, he’s just turned fourteen but his folks want him in there, you know? So the old man suggested I show him a few hits. It went well, I think.”

“That’s great, Buck,” Steve added, peaking into the oven and paying them little mind.

“Yeah I guess. I mean I figure now the semester’s over I need to start earning again. Can’t rely on Uncle Sam now for much I guess.”

Peggy took a slow sip of her drink.

“And what else?” she asked, eyeing him.

“What else what?”

“What did you do today? I saw you at lunch, then what?” There were four hours to account for, Steve wagered, and his stomach sank. He only hoped Bucky wasn’t idiot enough to be doing guilt flowers with her – or hell, even him – if he was seeing someone else? Surely not?

He looked at Bucky, and he pushed the thought out of his head. No, there was just no way.

“I went to Jersey to see Stanley about the new bed. It’ll be here in the morning.”

Peggy cocked a brow then.

“Really?”

“Yeah, special delivery and such, he owes me one from back before the war, so he’s doing me a solid. Said it was for a special lady, liked her décor just so – British, so obviously very stylish and very particular.” He grinned then, that boyish grin Steve loved so much – had always loved so much – then leaned over and pecked her on the cheek.

“I’m going to run wash up before we eat, back in a sec,” he said before taking off out of the kitchen. Steve eyeballed Peggy and shrugged. She did the same with a sigh.

He had a feeling there was something being left unsaid, he just wasn’t sure from whom. But the feeling wouldn’t leave him. It was a feeling that was all too familiar; one of quiet dread.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the new chapter guys! Did any of you seee AOU yet? What are your thoughts? Ho boy mine are all over the place between that and the press tour from hell, are we all running out of faves?? lol! Dying to know what you think of the new chapter btw ;) xo


	27. Waging War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 50 Shades of Howard Stark leads us to Steve's first foreign mission which leads him in to a land of pure frustration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Looks at her calendar* Has it REALLY been over a month since my last update? God, such failure! Sorry for the wait on this you guys but some much needed support came through tumblr for this, this past few days and it really kicked my ass to put together this chapter for you all. So, I hope you like it and if you do that you'll let me know? :D 
> 
> Thanks to Linds for betaing and for everyone for reading see you on the flip side! xo

* * *

 

By the end of March storms began hitting the East Coast full force. Getting to and from Manhattan became a chore in and of itself and the people were feeling the strain in all areas of life, no more so than in the mood – as grey as the skies. It started with a little thunder but it didn’t end with it. For three days New York was battered by storms, constant rain, flooding all over, and worst of all, electrical shortages. No electric was one thing, but then the sewers got blocked all over Brooklyn and they couldn’t run their water. It was a living nightmare, and in a house with three people – dishes, clothes, and bodily function piled up quickly. It showed no signs of ending when Howard, being the considerate inconsiderate friend that he was, offered them his place just outside the city, assuring her that she should have gone there first, and his ‘own personal generator’ would be working and they could take care of things as needed.

He was in LA, where there was sunshine, and she could practically hear him getting a tan.

So, she gave in, and gathered the troops.  

“Holy shit this place is fucking huge though. Like, I knew it was huge, but _man_!” Bucky startled them again, running – literally running – back into the living room. “You could lap this place and tire even Steve out. Did you know he has a pool room and a room _with_ a pool?!”

Steve laughed as they kept their seats, all three freshly showered, in three separate showers too.

“Yeah, pretty much knew that.”

“This is why you didn’t wanna move back in with us, right? This is completely why. Hell, can we live here? I love you guys, but … it’s heated!”

Peggy knew he meant the pool; she was toying with the idea of telling him about the Jacuzzi.

“Peggy, you shoulda brought your suit, this is just …” he flopped down on the large suede couch beside her with a sigh. “We’re clearly in the wrong business, Steve.”

Steve smiled, sipping his gin and tonic with way too much ice for Peggy’s liking.

“Who says she needs a suit?” Steve quipped and it even got Bucky’s brows raised.

“Oh God, we’ve corrupted him, Carter, it’s _finally_ happened. Oh Christ Stevie, the nuns would have my head!!” He took a running swing for Steve then, right after he’d put his drink on the side table to his left. They both fake wrestled and called each other names, before conceding because Bucky wanted to go ‘nosy around some more, come on!’

And that’s when she remembered.

The one room in the place that no one was ever allowed into. Not even Mr. Jarvis knew what was in there, though Peggy had her suspicions.

“Hey Buck?” Peggy called out at the end of the hallway, on the third floor.

“Yeah?”

“You still good at picking locks?” she asked, knowing the answer full well.

“Yeah why?”

“C’mere. Bring Steve!”

It wasn’t that Peggy couldn’t pick a lock, it was just that it wasn’t her speciality, and if she was right, what was behind that door was a little scandalous, and she really wanted to see their faces upon the reveal.

“Oh no, there’s nothing in there, Howard said so–” Steve said sweetly when they finally saw where she was standing. “He said–” but he stopped at the incredulous looks that both his loves were giving him and bit his lip. “He lied, didn’t he?”

“He totally lied. Guys like him don’t lock one room in a house with a zillion rooms if they ain’t hiding something big.” Bucky was already on his knees at the door handle, Peggy’s hair pins in hand. She found it far too arousing how good he was at odd and very illegal things like this.

“Maybe we shouldn’t, I mean he was nice enough to let us stay here we should you know … respect his priv-” By the time Steve had his sentence half finished, Bucky had popped the lock and swung open the door and –

“Holy fucking mother of shit!”

The trio stood with their mouths agape. For three people in a polyamorous relationship you’d think they wouldn’t be easily shocked but no, trust Howard to one-up even them.

Steve’s cheeks pinkened, Peggy forced herself to close her mouth, whereas Bucky just marched on in, eyes wide.

Yes. Howard had a sex toy _room_.        

“What does this even DO?!” Bucky asked, pushing the … swing. Oh good lord.

“I work with this man, this man is my friend, I regret this immensely,” Peggy muttered, but she still took in everything around her and picked up a boxed false penis, oh heavens.

“I really shouldn’t be shocked but holy hell this fucker is a kinky bastard!” Bucky exclaimed, opening the closet to an array of outfits. “Hey Peg? You think you could rock this?”

It was a nurses uniform with some rather effective cut out parts.

“No but you’d look real sweet in it, darlin’,” Peggy mimicked his accent with a wink, making Steve laugh out loud.

He shrugged when Bucky glared.

“She’s right, you’ve got the legs for it, don’t lie.”

Bucky sighed.

“Man this is … _interesting_. But honestly, I was half expecting a shrine in Steve’s honour with maybe some nudie pictures taken through his Secret Steve Shower Camera.”

“Bucky–” Steve whined, sighing again. The subject of Howard’s apparent massive crush on Steve was something Bucky never missed an opportunity to bring up.

“I’m just sayin’.” The brunet held his hands up in defense. It was lies of course. Bucky liked pushing Steve’s buttons about Howard more often than not.

“Are we going to have this discussion again?” Peggy interrupted with a laugh, flinging a rather glittery piece of underwear at Bucky who ducked with excellent reflexes.

“No …” Bucky surrendered. “We could just figure out how this thing works though?” he suggested while pushing the swing toward Peggy with a grin. He knew her answer, of course. It didn’t stop him asking.

“I refuse, flat out refuse to ever get naked and sexual in any room where … Howard Stark has … arrived.”

At that Steve laughed out loud to the point where he snorted.

“Peggy, you do realise that’s probably every room?”

“Every surface of every room,” Bucky backed him up, much to her disgust.

“I refuse to acknowledge this. I’m going for a swim. Flip the lock back on when you’re both done in here. I feel dirty…” she got to the door and turned, dramatically. “And not in the fun way either.”

Both men smiled, Steve gently replacing the lid on the sweet smelling-whatever-that-was- jelly that sat in the pot on a chest of drawers. The bed was huge, overly so. In fact, he would make a mental note to ask if Stark knew a good furniture guy, for future reference.

“Last one in's a rotten egg!!” they heard Peggy call out and never one to back out of a dare, both men looked at each other again before racing for the door, promptly getting stuck in the frame together too.

“Me, I’m faster–”

“Psh maybe in ‘43 but we’re a long way from that Barnes!” they pushed the other to no avail, one dragging the other back. “She’s swimming naked, you don’t need to see this Steve!” Bucky said with a laugh.

It landed him on his ass, as Steve sprinted from the room with a laugh.

Yeah, he’d pay for that later.

Bucky kept one of the smaller riding crops and he wasn’t afraid to use it.

 

>                                                            *********

 

March made way for April and by the end of the month their routine was one of playful comfort, on the home front at least.

“Well I think it’s safe to say that we’ve got the best boyfriend ever, Steve,” Peggy commented as they took the steps to the subway. It was late and the last train was due in ten minutes, and they’d had a ball. It was intentional of course, as it was  their last night together for a while. Bucky had decided they needed to go on a date, all three of them, to hell with what people might think, he said with conviction that convinced the other two to agree. And so, they managed. They went to a movie – Peggy seated in the middle, allowing them all to be together but to raise not one eyebrow while the lights were up. Truthfully, she forgot half of what the film was about she was so focused on paying them equal amounts of subtle attention. After that they had a long and luscious dinner at the Russian Tea Rooms, because apparently Bucky Barnes liked nothing more than a good pun, no matter how expensive their steak was. He said it was worth it if only for the groans Steve gave when he made said puns.

Peggy would never admit it, but she loved his puns too.

They were headed to Stalingrad the next morning, and while each of them were worried in their own right – Peggy because of Steve, Steve because of Peggy, and Bucky because of both of them, they fought hard not to let it show and enjoy their time. The mission was intel gathering, as most were in Russia lately. Peggy wanted to be there for Steve’s first impressions of the Union and their dealings. He was a soldier, not a spy, but in times of war you were what was required of you, Peggy knew that more than most. And while Steve was still on the fence over the US involvement, SHIELD’s involvement with the CIA and so on, he was still willing to step up and see what happened. Peggy took it as a sign that they would take on this mission, see how it went, dip his toes in so to speak and ultimately see what happened.

“And damn right I am,” he perked up, nudging Peggy with his shoulder as they walked along in a line, Peggy in the middle.

“Oh hey, look they got one!” Steve said, making a beeline for the booth next to the toll booth, both by the entrance. A photo booth. Peggy had seen them around of course, but never thought to do it.

“You want to?” Peggy asked, a little giddy at the thought. There was no one around, and if there were, they would making their way a little tipsily just like them, toward the trains.

Steve just shrugged but his smile said otherwise.

“Pft okay!” Bucky nudged him then before he dug some change from his pockets. Four photos were offered so Peggy wanted to get it right.

“Come on!” she hopped in, and Bucky slid in beside her, it was tiny and cramped but she was going to make it work. They posed, goofy and beyond anything you could show in mixed company. Peggy had her tongue out cheekily, Bucky had his eyes crossed. Then Peggy hopped out and pushed Steve in. He laughed but went and he smiled at the camera while it caught Bucky unawares, looking at Steve instead of the flash. Then Bucky stepped out and Peggy was back in, this time Steve pulled her closer, arm around her, both of them grinning with a loud ‘cheese!!’ and then it was time for the last shot and Peggy was feeling bold. She yanked Bucky back in by his tie, and he landed rather ungracefully across both her and Steve’s laps.

The look captured on all three of their faces was her favourite one.

Surprised happiness. She liked that emotion on them and she pitied that it was something she never saw more of. But when the photos came out and they giggled their way to the subway train that would drag them back to Brooklyn, Peggy was careful to keep the strip of tiny pictures in her purse. She loved them, and it was their first real set of photos together too, which made it all the more special, even as silly as it was. Steve was weary. Any photos they took with the film camera at home were very reserved, very public friendly. He didn’t trust the chemist that developed them, hell, he didn’t trust most people.

And sadly, she knew he had a point. Pictures of Captain America acting anything other than hetero-manly would surely find a home on the front page of a rag or two. But these, these and others like them, under their control, she knew could show a peek of the real Steve. And she would cherish them.

Plus, now they knew what to get Steve for his next birthday.

                                                           ********

They slept that night tangled in a mess of limbs and snuggles, not wanting to let the other go for fear that maybe, just maybe they wouldn’t come back. But they would, she knew, they always would.

Peggy had written the date on the back of the photos, and stuck them in a frame by their bed. Neither man commented on them, but she noticed Steve’s smile get a bit wider as she kissed him goodnight. She was glad he was a part of their family now, and that he had a place on their mantle, even if it was the mantle in their bedroom. She figured it mattered all the same to him.

The next morning, quiet and dark, Peggy shifted from Bucky’s grasp. Steve was his big spoon and he was hers, this was their way now and it worked well, and she loathed to leave it behind.

But, the job still came first.  She sighed and dragged herself off to shower. A few moments alone got her hair washed and her legs shaved. She was still tired but excited about the job, excited to see how Steve took to the ropes again. She knew that last night meant a lot to him and Bucky though he hid it better. He hid a lot of things better – including whatever he was up to with Stark. Part of her desperately wanted to push, to poke, to find out exactly what was going on, but she knew Bucky better than that now. If you poked the bear you got bit. He would could around in his own time; she just hoped that it was sooner rather than later.

She didn’t jump when she felt him step into the shower behind her, kissing the scars on her shoulder sweetly, before groggily wishing her ‘good mornin’’. She had been so lost in thought her senses had betrayed her, and she hadn’t heard him come in or undress. She forced herself to take a deep breath and shake herself out of her trance.

“Morning darling,” she said, stretching up to kiss him on the cheek. She stepped away from the spray, allowing James to step under it. He was groggy until the hot water hit him and he moaned.

“Back hurt?”

“No, I slept on my arm, or Steve’s arm, or … something, and it’s all–” He cracked his neck and she cringed. “It’ll be fine. You sleep okay?”

“Yes, cocooned in between you both at times does have its advantages.”

“Not Steve’s snoring though.”

She smiled then and so did he before reaching for the shampoo and working it through his hair and she soaped up. She reached up and massaged the shampoo through his hair and his eyes closed instantly as he hunched a little so she could reach easier. She dug her nails in a little, knowing how he liked that, and she was rewarded with a moan for her efforts. Before she knew what was happening he had her backed up against the cold tile. It wasn’t sweet, or gentle, or anything of the sort. It was almost panicked.

She desperately wanted to know what was going through his head as he looked at her in that dark way she had become so familiar with at the start. The nights he’d wake in a scream, in a sweat, in a swear. But it went unsaid, as so much between them did at times like this. His lips instead stayed silent as he used them to kiss her shoulders, then her neck, fingers gently sliding down her wet arms, skirting over to her tummy and finally between her legs where they earned him a gasp.

Working her up slowly with his hands, he leaned in for a kiss. It was softer than his previous actions, as if he realised where he was and who he was with.

“I’mma miss you _so_ much, Peg,” he whispered, sliding his lips back to just below her ear, her weak spot for him, and she keened. She felt heat flutter indolently in her belly, a languid sort of yearning in the acquainted way he rubbed against her.

“It’s a week, we’ve done longer before.”

“They say it’s a week, we know better _because_ of before.” He frowned then, pulling back to look her in the eyes, wiping wet hair from her forehead. The water, the steam, none of it mattered; she just didn’t want to see that sadness in his eyes at that moment. Instead she wrapped her arms around his neck, maneuvered carefully so he could position himself inside her, gently too, almost too gently before he backed her up against the cold tile once more. Inside her, thrusting in a rhythm only they knew, in a way that hit her just right, she not so softly dragged her nails down his arm. He hissed, then kissed, then made her laugh by moving and slapping her ass just in playful retaliation. This was their goodbye, always had been, quiet moments of intimacy before he would slowly distance himself for her departure. It was a well stepped out dance they both knew by heart, as was his knowledge well-learned in their time together. He was right, they knew better, it would probably be more than a week and she would miss him terribly. She always did.

                                               ********

Steve was uncharacteristically quiet as they boarded the plane with the rest of the SHIELD operatives. Each had a destination east and west of the city, each had a mission and theirs was just one of many. But she knew to leave Steve to his thoughts. First time back on the job, in a plane headed toward the Atlantic, she knew what was floating through his head. So she knuckled down with Grace Winslow, a Brit, and one of the newer recruits out of London. She was tasked with walking her through protocol. That took up an hour, and then she buried herself in paperwork. There was always paperwork.

“I didn’t like how he looked when we left,” is what he opened with a few hours later as she was finishing up and unpacking her softest blanket so she could curl up on her seat and sleep. He took the empty seat next to her and spoke softly, knowing the others were at best attempting to rest if not to sleep themselves. Practice meant Peggy could sleep anywhere.

There was a time Stark found her snoozing in a laundry basket and he’d called her Kitten for a full hour before she threatened to slap him.

“He’ll be fine. It’s just how he gets.”

Steve shrugged.

“I guess, but still I didn’t like it.”

She patted his hand then, offering him the spare blanket she had packed – for him. Planes got cold, super serum or no.

He accepted with a smile.

“Honestly, we’ll call when we get to the safe house, he’ll be right as rain by then, and busying himself with something or other. I mean he mentioned going to see Dugan this week, so that’s something – Lord knows the trouble they’ll get into. Then Morita is coming in from LA for a few days; he won’t be lonely.” She was convincing herself more than Steve and he seemed to pick up on it.

“If you’re sure, you’ve danced this song with him before–”

“Many times,” she nodded, suddenly aware of all the years she had on Steve once more. It was depressing.

He nodded.

“I trust you then.”

“How kind of you,” she sassed, before reaching up to switch off her light. “Get some kip. There won’t be time for snoozing once we land.”

He chuckled then, wrapped the blanket around his legs, pulling what he could as far as he could up his chest.

“Yes Ma’am, Director Carter, Ma’am.”

She just faked scowled at him, making him laugh once more.

“Goodnight, _Captain_.”

                                                           ****

Steve hated Russia.

He was at least pretty sure he fucking _hated_ Russia.

It was cold as all hell (why was lost on him, it was MAY!), and he had spent nearly a decade in actual ice. Between the Eastern Bloc brainwashing political propaganda, the need-to-know attitude that Peggy adopted as Director Carter in the field, and the good god damn cold, after eleven days Steve was wound tighter than a violin string. They had landed just outside of Russia, taken three separate cars and a potato truck to gain access to the country, and another two cars to the safe house where Peggy used a rather terrifyingly large device of Howard’s to scan the place for bugs. They were sharing it with two other agents, Miles and Fallon. Agent Fallon, who was a tall, terrifying woman with shock white hair, shared one room with Peggy, and Agent Miles – ‘Call me Andrew please,’ – shared with Steve. Agents under Director Carter did as they were told, to the letter, and while it was a rather arousing display, it was a beyond frustrating one in more ways than just their pretense of being nothing more than co-workers.

Everything that went in our out of their hands was coded, the place was swept twice a day for bugs – and the phones were rarely used because of fear of taps.

They were there initially on an Intel collection run – one of Stalin’s men in the inner circle had ties to the Red Skull and they needed to see how deep it went. In and out, she said.

Not the case.

They were on track, Howard back at HQ was happy with the intel coming in from the other agents, Washington was happy with him, everyone was happy but the people on the ground it seemed. They were scheduled on time, until there was something of an uprising of rebels in the city. There were bombs and a police force that seemed to triple in a matter of minutes. It was a mess, but they managed to get the information needed by Washington – eventually. It was encrypted of course, as everything was, though he knew by Peggy’s reaction to it that she knew their code – at least in part. She had blanched white when they had hacked the file room of the secluded mansion just outside the city. The owner – a large, clearly political, man had a taste for vodka. Peggy had a drop or two of something that he had assumed was her perfume that knocked him clean out for hours.

It confused him. In truth, it scared him. To see people so deeply affected still by the war he fought in for the freedoms of the people. The actions he took so they – everyone – could be free of the Red Skull, of Hydra, and to see others like Stalin, to see the operation so like the one before succeed – sickened him to his core.

“It reminds me too much of before–” Steve began, quietly. They were driving – Peggy was driving since she knew the area – to a meeting in the city. It was held below a closed down butcher shop, apparently.

“What’s that?”

“Here. It reminds me of home before the war. The depression, the … that _look_ on people’s faces.”

Peggy nodded, though he wondered if she fully understood.

“Did Bucky ever talk to you about before?” he asked, curious.

She shrugged.

“Only a little … said that when your mother passed you both moved into a different place, together, that you both worked and the only thing that ever stopped you was when you got sick. He said you were the most house proud orphan he did ever meet.” She said the last part mocking his accent, and it made Steve smile. Bucky would always rag on him for being too much a ‘damn housewife Stevie, who cares if we got linens, what do we need linens for if we got no food!’ They were his mother’s linens, and his grandmother’s before her.

It broke his heart into a million pieces the day he sold them to Mrs. McGarvey. But, it was linens or medication and Bucky would have killed him himself if he’d come back without the latter.

“That’s one way of putting it. I was an albatross around his neck a lot of the time.”

She looked at him then as she pulled the rickety car into park. They had arrived as he was tripping down bad-memory lane.

“I’m sure that’s not true, darling. He always spoke with such pride.”

“Sometimes our pride was all we had, because it was bad. Real bad for a long time when I got sick. He was working … shit… three jobs at one point? I swear he was probably relieved to get drafted.”

“Steve–”

“I just want to make it up to him, now that things are different,” he said, looking at his palms. “He shouldn’t have to worry about anything now. I should be the one … taking care of him. Taking care of you. Both of you.  I–”

“Steve really–”

“I know it’s old fashioned and you ain’t that kinda woman, I know that, Peggy. Hell our whole set up tells me that.” He half smiled, looking at her. “But part of me still feels guilty for what I put him through, what I put you both through really. Him back then and you both after I–”

“ _Rogers_!”

That snapped him to attention and she was staring, brows knitted, a concerned expression on her face.

“ _Darling_ ,” her voice softened, “I won’t have you eating yourself up with guilt over what was. Bucky isn’t the kind of man to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If it’s presented to him as an option, sometimes even if there’s only one choice in things – life, work, war. He’ll do what needs to be done.”

He wanted to interrupt.  But didn’t.

“You are the same way, and I refuse to sit here and let you waste one more minute on self-flagellation over the past – the past, might I add, that you had no control over. Your health was horrific, no one will deny that. Wanting to make amends is a wonderful thing darling, but I’m telling you, and he’d tell you the same. You don’t need to make amends for THAT.”

“Hearing it and accepting it are two very … different things, Peggy,” he shrugged, then smiled, it was forced.

“Come on, we’ve got a job to do. Let’s do it.”

She would bring this back later as he needed a stern talking to, clearly, but he was also right; they did have a job to do. So she put on her hat, straightened her stockings and got out of the car. If she had a M1 pistol between her thighs, that was her business.          

                                   ****************

“You _lied_ to me!” he yelled from across the room, the small cabin safe house was theirs for the night now that the other two agents were incapacitated. Miles sent home on discharge. Two broken arms will do that. And Fallon was sent to Spain on another lead – the desired outcome decidedly not complete as the location on the object of their mission was now unknown.

A lead he had found out from Miles as he laid doped up on morphine before they helicoptered him out of there, since no one else was telling him shit.

“I didn’t lie, I just–”

“Peggy do NOT pull the classified shit on me not right now!” he was beat to hell, his clothes torn, a rapidly healing gash on the left side of his face. She was a wreck too, though she attempted to hide it. The passive aggression between them had grown in the previous week, marking their eighteenth day and night in Russia, and also marking the end of Steve’s patience with lies when they were ambushed by KGB and what looked like HYDRA agents outside the city. The tech that Stark was really after was alien in origin, of course it was. They weren’t after files or simple intel for the US, they were after Hydra tech to tip the goddamn scales.

To obliterate the scales.

“It’s HYDRA Peggy, when on earth does that not translate into death and destruction?” He paced, he had been pacing like a wild animal trapped for at least fifteen minutes.

“Which is WHY it’s best in our hands!” she reasoned, and he scoffed.

“You really believe that? That it’ll be better in Howard’s hands than Hydras? When you won’t even tell me _why_ he wants it.”

She sighed, getting off the couch and walking to him, stopping him in his tracks.

“Steve–”

He shrugged her off and for a second he saw the hurt in her eyes. He hated that, and instantly regretted his actions, but he was angry at everything in that moment, including her. They had grown distant in the days prior. Their only physical intimacy were stolen moments born of frustration and time constraints, and there had been nothing loving about their last few sexual encounters. In fact, it had been downright violent at times. There were broken tables in a meeting bunker and a tiled wall in a bathroom to prove it, too. And the worst thing was Steve had grown to like the impersonal gratifying rush of it all, much to his own disgust.

“Steve, did you just imply that Stark is more dangerous than Hydra?”

He shrugged, grinding his teeth.

“I’ve read all about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Peg.”

She closed her eyes then, nodding.

“It was a … _tense_ time. Things were so fragile–”

“Like the lives of all those people?” he questioned with anger still tinged in his voice.

“Choices are made by people who at the time think that they are doing the right thing, and the outcome of those choices is often regrettable.”

He took a step back then, almost hurt by her cold words.

“It’s as if … this … this mission this … whatever the hell we’ve been doing here, it’s as if you’re not you. It’s as if there are two Peggy Carters. Peggy who I know, who has consideration and empathy, and Director fuckin’ Carter who is a stone cold–”

He stopped himself but she smirked almost, stepping that much closer.

“ _Bitch_ ,” she enunciated cuttingly. “You can say it, Steve. A stone cold bitch, because you’re right, I am. Except there isn’t two of me just like there isn’t two of you, there isn’t Steve Rogers the meek mannered, sweet but cynical, sarcastic Brooklyn boy verses heroic Captain America who lops the enemies heads off with his shield. There is only one of each of us and the choices we make in the circumstances we’re in. I thought you, of all people would understand that dichotomy.”

With that she took the anger storming on her face and in her eyes and she walked to her bedroom, slamming the door and snapping the lock shut as she did so, leaving him standing more confused than when he first woke up from the ice.

This war was a lot more confusing than his last, that’s for sure.

* * *

 

 You can reblog this on tumblr [here](http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/post/120395226892)! Come say hey! :D xo

 


	28. Cold Front

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve has a kink, Peggy's had just about enough of everything including leg cramps, and oh, Bucky, honey...
> 
> TW: Breathplay, Panic attack and sad Bucky Barnes sad thoughts being sad xo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the love on the last chapter and hopefully you like this one too. I won't lie, I've angst hard on it because why do I do this to them? Why? SMH. ANYWAY heed the trigger warnings if those are things you need to do etc and I hope you'll let me know what you think, as always it's encouraged! 
> 
> xo

 

* * *

 

 

Sixty-four Hydra soldiers; that’s how many there were. Sixty-four men guarding the tech in a base outside of the city. The hail hadn’t stopped in two days and they had sat on the base for eighteen hours attempting intel collection – who was top of the chain, the ins and outs of their operation.

Peggy had a leg cramp, and she could hear Steve’s stomach growling from where he lay.

_Sometimes she really hated stakeouts._

“Are you ever going to speak to me again?” She asked on hour nine.

He continued to ignore her. She wasn’t hurt by it anymore, she was just plain fucked off. At least when Bucky got pissed at her he yelled. She could yell back, and they’d yell ‘til their throats were raw and it was all out in the open. She would be an asshole to him and him to her, but at least it was out there.

But Steve was different.

_Steve was a passive aggressive asshole._

She merely sighed and continued to tap her code that was being sent back to their operation base in Leningrad.

When they moved in on orders it took all of thirty minutes to raid the base, capture or kill, and evac. Peggy’s rule was never kill what they could capture, but don’t get yourself killed in the process.

By the time they returned to the safe house it was almost morning; the sun was peeking through the grey clouds behind a mountain, and the air was crisp and clear. Covered in other men’s blood, tired, aching, starving and annoyed, Peggy and Steve made their way inside.

He still refused to speak.

Instead he went to the kitchenette, grabbed the vodka and poured a glass neat.

Peggy shucked off her shoes, lost her coat, and pulled back her hair that had fallen out of her tie.

Steve took another glass, having downed the first.

“Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, _Steve_ ,” she sighed, walking over to him, taking the glass from his hands, and placing it on the table where they both stood. The tension between the two of them was electric, it was palpable, and not in the usual way it was at home.

She missed home.

“Yell at me, scream at me, SOMETHING Steve. I cannot abide the silent treatment you’ve been giving me, punishing me for doing my goddamn job! If you can’t accept that there are aspects of this life that are morally wonky then I don’t know what to bloody tell you, Rogers. You wanted to fight a war, this is still a war, and only how we fight it is different than it was in the forties. I am a co-director of an intelligence agency, I am an agent of SHIELD and I am a woman willing to do whatever it takes to keep the scales of freedom balanced. Sometimes that means keeping things close to my chest, sometimes it kills me inside; sometimes it doesn’t but it’s part of who I am. It’s a part of who I have always been, and I refuse to apologise for that because I hurt your feelings.”

At that the glass that had been on the table was whacked clean across the room, by Steve.

She had never seen him lose his cool before, not in a personal setting at least, and she was intrigued. Her mother had always told her to judge a man by his temperament and Steve’s, for the most part, was mellow.

For the most part.

“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think that’s ALL I can think about? How Goddamn _right_ you are? How this is the job, like it or not, and sacrifices have to be made? You think I don’t _know_ about sacrifice Peggy?!” His hands were shaking and his breathing was beginning to become erratic, he was blinking excessively, and sadly, Peggy knew the signs of a panic attack when she saw one. Approaching him carefully, she cupped his face in her hands. She could feel him shaking now. He still refused to look at her.

“Steve … it’s alright–”

“No – no it’s not, it’s not! It was meant to stop it was all meant to STOP!” he whispered, his chest heaving.

She steadied his shaking, cupping his face with a stronger grip, forcing him to make eye contact before speaking.

“What was, my darling?”

He finally made eye contact then and when he did he broke her heart.

“Everything. The pain, the suffering, the murder - I did what I did to stop them and I … _died_. I was willing to die and I didn’t want to, God, I didn’t want to Peggy but I was willing if it meant something and it – it means–”

He closed his eyes, clearly trying to regain some kind of composure.

He grasped on to her hands that still held his face.

“It means nothing because nothing’s changed. One war replaces another one. Hitler gets replaced, Hydra is still in action and I can’t control anything anymore, I can’t even – even breathe.”

“Hey, look at me, okay? So you take it back, you take it back, Steve. Take the control. Back,” she told him, meaning every word, hoping it would get through to him that she understood that terrifying feeling of quiet building panic.

He shook his head, eyes closed again, his deep breaths making her hair blow with the force of which he was trying to calm down.

His hands then cupped her face, and she attempted something, slowing moving them from her cheeks to her neck, gradually hoping he would catch her drift.

She squeezed her hands over his, forcing him to squeeze on her neck.

As he caught on his eyes flew open and he looked panicked once more.

“No. No, I won’t. Peggy that’s not how–”

“How what?” she asked, applying more pressure, enjoying the tingle that flew through her at the power of his hands, and how much of it he was handing over to her.

His confused puppy face was always one that amused her; it reminded her so much of whom he had been before as the adorable skinny man she met once upon a time.

“How I…” She removed her hands and like a good soldier his stayed in place. Instead she moved hers to his belt. His pants were covered in mud and blood and God only knew what else, but she had a point to get across and she got there just fine because before she could unloop the belt he had her backed up against the larger door.

One hand still on her neck, the other hiking her up by her ass.

He was still a fast learner, she mused. But, his eyes were wide and full of questions. Ones she wasn’t even sure she knew the answers to. All she knew was that he needed this … whatever this may be, and maybe she did too.

So tired of being gentle, of being considerate and careful, she forced his hand, literally. Once more she applied more pressure as one hand worked her field uniform pants down her cut and bruised legs. She’d gotten no further with his; being held down by the hand of a super soldier left even Peggy Carter immobilised.

As he began hastily pulling open her protective gear that she had worn under her coat, layers of it carefully applied, including the bulky bulletproof vest. It was the only time he took his hands off her skin and it was only to expose more skin. She watched him carefully. He was calmer now, still not at ease, still very angry, but it was good; anger was, sometimes, very good for the soul in Peggy’s experience, if vented properly.

She hoped this was a proper avenue for venting.

When he had her properly stripped, standing in the freezing cold cabin kitchenette in only her bra and knickers she thought it time to speak.

Steve thought otherwise though and immediately put his hand over her mouth. Ordinarily an action that would piss her off wholly, but in this instance, she let him go, if only to see how far he would go on his own. And it gave her time to run her hands through the deliciously bristly short hairs of his neck, down his sides and up the muscled planes of his back.

He closed his eyes as he let her go before kissing her fast, rough, ruthless, and filthy, especially for Steve. She embraced it, encouraged it, of course she did, she was testing his limits, even if they both knew it.

There were no sounds beyond the buzzing of the old shoddy electric light, accompanied by their heavy gasps and pleasurable broken moans. It took him less than a minute before his fingers were inside her, not soft and careful, but rough and purposeful. She couldn’t help but gasp raggedly as his body heaved with a shudder as his large hand went around her delicate neck once more.

“ _Peggy_ –”

“Keep going–” she managed, as he used one hand to hike her leg around his waist, the other inside her, working her up and up until she was seeing black spots in front of her eyes, “Please–” They maintained eye contact as he nodded before burying his face in her neck, then it was his turn to beg.

“Please … please–” she wasn’t sure what he was begging for, but before she could blink his hand was gone and instead he was filling her in a way she had missed in the days of their pretense. “Please just–” he begged again, this time using both hands to hike her around him, slamming her against the wall as she cried out, “Just tell me you need me, please.”

And she did, repeatedly, softly into his ear so she knew he could really hear her.

“Tell me you need me, just me, only me.”

That gave her pause, of course it did, and the implications were enormous. He must have felt her hesitation before his hand slipped around her throat once more, eye contact maintained.

“Just for tonight, please just tell me you need only me, just us, for right now,” he pleaded, fucking into her at a gentler pace now, though his grip remained strong.

She forced his chin up with one hand, maintaining eye contact, as her heart broke a little for him. He had tears in his eyes and he looked so lost.

“I need you, Steve.” There was a beat as she let her words sink in. “Tonight, I need only you – do you hear me?”

He blinked, letting the welled up tears fall softly.

“Do you hear me?”

He nodded.

“Wherever you are, wherever you’re going right now, I need you to stop and come back to me. Come back to me because you’re all I need right now.”

With that, wherever he was mentally brought him back to the present, as he carried them both to the bedroom he had been using. The small single bed was perfectly made until he lowered Peggy on to it, following her instantly, never breaking contact and didn’t skip a beat as he began again to slowly fuck her. Her hands grasped his face, his neck, down his back and to his arms, anywhere as an anchor as she held on, and quite frankly, enjoyed the ride. She laughed and warned him that he couldn’t finish inside her like this, there, without anything between them. He knew it by heart now, knew when to pull away, but it made him smile as she warned, breathless, with that serious look in her eyes as he ‘yes Ma’am’d’ her and distracted her with boyish smiles and with kisses.

It wasn’t until he effortlessly flipped them around, Peggy on top, and took her hands and placed them around his neck that she got nervous. Her heart was already pounding in pulse with his as their bodies moved in sync. This was new. This was a surrender of power from a powerful man, whether or not he always acknowledged said power.

Peggy took that challenge into her own hands, literally, and applied the same pressure that he had to her, and the thrill that ran though her when she felt his breath hitch was something unlike anything she’d experienced before.

Before she knew it, it had set the tone for all intimate encounters on that mission, as they spent an extra six days travelling around attempting to find the smaller soviet bases their source had tipped them off about. Then Stark called them home, a coded note that informed them they were chasing dead ends, that the Intel they had was enough – for now – and they packed up and prepared to head home.

As the plane was touching down on New York soil, Steve leaned over and quietly asked one thing.

“Can we keep what happened between us out there, between us?”

From the look on his face, she knew he didn’t mean the men they had killed in self-defense, the women they had seen die at the hands of the Hydra agents as they failed to empty the base at Kamennogorsk, or the other parts of the job, like the lies and half-truths he was now privy to. No, she knew what he meant.

“Any reason why? It’s not like he’d care–” She thought, anyway. Surely something as what got Steve off would be of interest to Bucky? And so she gave him her confused face, but he just exhaled softly, looking slightly panicked.

“N – No, I just would like to keep it between us, if that’s okay.”

He was scared she realised, and that didn’t sit well with her.

“You know he wouldn’t mind–”

“No, I know that he’d accept it eventually, but this isn’t about me and him, this is about me and you and I don’t … I don’t want him to know about …that. That part of us.”

Puzzled didn’t describe her, but, she was a keeper of secrets, he had fully realised that on the job. Could this just be another one of many? Of all the things she kept from Bucky this was seemingly the most mundane and innocuous of them all. But this wasn’t a matter of national security or international securities come to that. This was them, and they had always been her one real truth, no holds barred, matters of the heart.

It didn’t sit well, but she knew that their unconventional set-up sometimes meant challenges. She and Bucky were She and Bucky, Steve and Bucky were Steve and Bucky, and they individually had their issues and their separate pasts, She and Steve were no different.

It was just that when it was Peggy, Bucky, and Steve, where did those secrets go?

“Of course darling, whatever you want,” she offered and his face relaxed. He nodded in thanks and went back to his seat as their pilot told them landing was imminent.

Suddenly she was the one that felt sick. This would just be another challenge, she assumed. If she could keep the secret of Bucky keeping secrets she could keep this to herself too.

She sighed to herself. Sometimes her brain was just exhausted.

                                                                       ****

Bucky was doing the dishes after their dinner on their fifth night back, Peggy was on the phone in her office – something to do with Stark getting arrested for drinking and driving and she was attempting to charm the officer on the other end of the phone to not go to the press – and Steve was tasked with drying the dishes.

“I didn’t know she’d be like that, after,” he said after minutes of comfortable silence.

“After what? Oh, when she comes home?” Bucky asked, handing him another dish. Steve nodded.

“Yeah, she’s like that. It’s her way, I guess.”

Steve nodded again, but Bucky knew he was still unsure.

“Look she just deals with things a certain way. The job takes a lot out of her – physically, mentally, emotionally, and yeah she shuts down, and that means quiet time. It took me a while to get with the programme, but now it’s fine.”

“You think she was mad?”

Bucky smiled, handing him another plate.

“Nah, and she wasn’t being dismissive either, she just likes a long bath and silence for a bit, reads her trashy romance novels that she thinks I don’t know about, and then, after a good sleep she’s herself again, you’ve seen the difference tonight.”

Steve nodded again, stacking the plates.

“I guess, I just … there’s so much I don’t know about her now, still.”

Bucky leaned in and kissed him sweetly on the lips.

“It just takes some time, and in case you didn’t notice, you got all of that in the world now with both of us.”

Steve smiled, taking the bunch of cutlery he was handed and began drying them too.

“Yeah you’re right, you are, I just…”

“Over-think everything to the point of insanity, yes I am aware of who Steve Rogers is, thanks.”

That earned him a smack on the arm, and it made him laugh.

“Bloody motherfucking shitting Howard, honestly,” was what they heard as she descended the stairs.

“Bad news?” Bucky asked as they finished up and he let the dirty water out of the sink.

“Yes, of course, isn’t it always? Ugh, he’s under arrest and they’re not giving him bail because he smart mouthed a cop, and the guy is making comments about his family and his kid being sick so of course it’s a money thing – so either we pay him off or the papers do. Fuck sake!” she ranted as she pulled on her coat.

“I have to go down there and try and smooth things over. Mr. Jarvis is there now but knowing him he’s being far too polite for New York cops anyway and he’s probably making it worse.”

“Shit, fucking Howard man,” Bucky said with a smile.

“Oh you think this is funny?”

“Yes.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Come on, the man is a fuckwit. He’s a genius, but he’s a fuckwit. Without you around to keep a leash on him he’d have gotten himself killed a long time ago.”

“Steve can you give me a lift? I’m too angry to drive right now.”

Steve didn’t miss the look of surprise Bucky gave her for the split second that it showed on his face, but ignored it as she leaned in and kissed Bucky on the lips.

“Thank you for dinner darling, honestly I’d be skin and bones without you and I’m sorry this put a damper on things. I aim to be back as soon as this is all sorted out. We’ve hardly had any time since we got back,” she said, buttoning up her coat. The rain was falling hard outside so she was right to do so, and Steve grabbed his jacket from where it sat draped over the couch.

Bucky took them both in once more, sharp eyes, slack jaw and a shrug.

“We’ve got all the time in the world, right Stevie?”

Steve nodded, stiffly.

“Course Buck, be back soon.” he added before Peggy leaned again in for a short cuddle and another kiss.

“I’ll kick him in the balls if you want me to? I want me to, ruining my bloody night off and my plans!” she spoke adding an eye-roll for effect making him smile, he really wanted to nut kick Stark himself in all truth, but he wasn’t sure how serious Peggy was as she huffed her frustrations once more and made for the door.

“Love you, James!” she called before closing the front door and he noticed Steve didn’t.

He clenched his jaw and took the slight, whether Rogers meant it as one or not. Or maybe he was just paranoid.

                                                           ****

Turning right on to the street that led them to the station where Howard was being held by New York’s finest, Steve turned down the radio enough to talk to Peggy about something other than Howard or the weather.

“He hasn’t … I mean we haven’t been together since we got back.”

Peggy eyed him and nodded.

“It’s … I mean it should be strange? I always want … to do that.” He blushed and Peggy smiled. “But … we haven’t and he didn’t initiate and we didn’t, and I didn’t, and I was wondering if maybe you both have since…” He trailed off, fidgeting with imaginary flint on his pants.

“Alone?”

“Yes?”

“No.” She looked out the window her mouth twisting awkwardly. “It’s not that I don’t want to. In fact I had planned to instigate something tonight but this–” she gestured to the station in front of them. “I know he senses something is off, I can feel it radiating from him. And like you said it’s not that we don’t want to it’s just I was so exhausted when we got back and I really did figure you’d be at it like rabbits frankly, and I’m a little surprised you’ve been so restrained.” She turned then, a smile on her mouth. “But let’s worry about that later shall we? Let’s go un-fuck this fuck ups fuck up.”

“Margaret Carter, you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

She smiled.

                                                           ******

Bucky had felt the difference as soon as the two of them stepped through the front door that first night back. He wasn’t sure what the change was, just that there was one.

Peggy, as always, needed her time, and Steve as it was didn’t really know what that meant yet.

He had pushed for conversation, attempting to get her to join in, to tell the stories to Bucky with him, but her way post mission was one of quiet time, and he had years of practice at accommodating it. Steve just didn’t. But it would, as all things did, take time to learn the nuances of a person after all, and while Steve had had her to himself for weeks, Bucky was still sure there were a million little things he knew about Peggy that Steve never would, and vice versa; it was just how time worked. But that part of him, that sneaky, screaming, insecure part of him, also knew that Peggy had loved Steve first and while Steve had loved her second, she was still the first woman he’d ever fallen for, and a part of Bucky would always wonder if he was the one standing in the way of fate. It was normal to feel insecurities, he knew that. He knew they loved him and that he loved them and that rationally, all was well. But, there was that shift in the air that first night, an awkwardness that he couldn’t recall being there before. An awkwardness that reminded him of the times that Steve had attempted to lie, only this time, it was a lasting feeling.

He shrugged it off, just as he shrugged off Steve’s sudden lack of interest in sex with him. Peggy’s, not so much, her period had arrived and frankly they both knew better than to attempt anything with her while that was happening. She wasn’t for it, and they’d never push her. Frankly, Bucky saw nothing dirty or wrong in fucking the woman he loved when she was experiencing such a thing, but Peggy was a lady raised a certain way, and had no qualms about telling you to ‘wank off a cliff’ should she need her space. It made him smile, annoying her like that, but he always won her over with her favourite caramels that she couldn’t really resist when dealing with Mother Nature, she said. But then that’s when he heard what he heard, ten days after they came back, and it all suddenly fell into place.

It wasn’t that he was shocked that they were having sex, nor that they were having sex in the laundry room, nor that they were having sex without him – though that last part did sting a little – he was only human after all. No, it was the content of this particular sexual encounter that surprised the hell out of him. For one, there was a lot of talking – Steve particularly – in a pained whisper, asking, no, begging for what he wanted from Peggy. It sent a chill straight through him in a way he wasn’t expecting though. Steve was never one for voicing his needs, not really – too many years spent coming with Bucky’s hand over his mouth, his teeth in skin, or a pillow, or his fist to drown out the sounds because God help them if any of their neighbours heard. But here and now he was strong willed even in his beseeching, he was confident and whatever awkwardness that had still lingered between he and Peggy before had obviously faded in their time alone.

He tried to squash the old insecurity rising in his throat as he heard Steve fuck Peggy against their washer so hard that he swore he felt the walls shaking as he stood silently in the kitchen. The noisy little thought of ‘this is how it is now, they don’t want you anymore,’ and instead attempted to wrap his head around if it were maybe this one time, actually true? Instead, for a split second and feeling more like a pervert than he’d ever felt, he stood and watched them through the crack in the door, and his heart skipped several beats at what he saw.

Steve’s hands were around her neck so tightly she was turning a worrying shade of red, and not just the mid-sex blush she wore so beautifully.

_He was choking her._

She was attempting to do the same to him.

His first instinct was one of, _‘No, stop that, you’re hurting her!’_ but the more he watched the more he rather idiotically realised … they were getting off on it all.

Confused and with a growing headache he stepped back, allowing them their privacy that they had obviously counted on as he was supposed to be at the gym for another hour as usual. He stepped back into the hallway, opening the door and slamming it again, this time with force, this time to announce his presence. Instead of heading to the kitchen as he had done before, he headed upstairs, to the shower, to buy them some time to collect themselves and to spare himself the embarrassment of witnessing them witness him in the state he was in.

He wore his emotions on his face; Peggy had told him that once.

 

Safely locked inside the bathroom he ran the water as hot as he could get it before stepping in unclothed. They were separate people; he couldn’t know everything, rationally he knew this, irrationally and emotionally he was still hurt. Why had Steve never attempted this with him? Did Peggy want it rough more? He had never been rough with her, he had spent years after the war, after that table in Italy, forcing himself to remember to be gentle, but was he wrong for it? Was this really what she needed? He was never too rough with Steve, never before because he was fragile, and after, he guessed, old habits were hard to break – a little like Steve’s skull, skinny or fit.

“Darling, is that you?” Peggy asked through the door, and he fought the urge to ignore her.

“Uh yeah, just need to get clean is all, I’ll be right down.”

“Okay, of course, well dinner’s almost ready – I cooked, be proud,” she laughed and he could almost see it.

“I always am, Peg. Always am,” he answered, attempting to keep the crack from his voice, his head against the cold tile, willing his erection to fade.

Willing his sudden whispering resentment for both of them, to fade with it.

 

* * *

 

[Tumblr post! ](http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/post/121718564462)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. Do I foresee a male ego pissing contest? Do I foresee Bucky's secret getting let out of the bag next chapter too? I think I do ;) What a tangled web we weave! As always I'm dying to know your thoughts on these three fuckups! xo


	29. Balancing Act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The strain starts to take it's toll & Peggy hopes that world war threesome doesn't break out any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves! Guess who's been on Ao3 a year today? That would be me! So to ~celebrate of sorts, here, have a super long angsty chapter of our Ot3!! Thank you Linds for beta-ing! 
> 
> As always I encourage you sharing what you think as it's a fantastic motivator and well, I just love hearing from you on these guys! Hope you enjoy!

Twenty minutes of just sorting recruitment files with Angie when her time could have been spent on other things. Peggy really needed to have several words with Howard on keeping his end of things flowing more smoothly. Less liquid lunches, more meetings.

“And send that down to HR. I’ve signed off on all the new recruits that Howard sent along. Three of them have requested staying on at the London office, so see if they can accommodate them there, if not, we’ll have to offer some kind of incentive to get them over here–”

“Beyond just cutting them out of the programme?”

Peggy smiled. “You’re a hard woman Angie, my word.”

“Uh, Peggy you just ordered bombs like you ordered breakfast, I’m just learnin’ from the best.” She sassed, stacking the files and the papers neatly and hugging them close.

“They weren’t  bombs  they were–”

“Hey Ladies,” came the voice from the door-frame, and both women looked up. It was Bucky.

“And here I thought all women talked about was clothes and makeup and shoes,” he said with a shy smile. “The ladies at the salon really stepped up their game in terms of conversation topics, huh?”

“Do you want a smack now or later, Bucky Barnes?” Angie answered for Peggy then, making them both laugh.

“Aw, come on Martinelli you know I’m just screwin’ with ya. I’m here to talk to Peggy if that’s okay?”

Angie looked to Peggy who just laughed again.

“Its fine, I’m due a break.”

Angie looked at her watch and nodded. “And lunch by the way.”

“Which I have thoughtfully thought to provide,” Bucky smirked, showing off the big brown bag he had hidden behind his back. “I even have fries.”

“You may enter,” Peggy said with a grin as Angie gave him a look as she passed which only made him smirk all that much harder.

“I don’t know why you do it, you know that you’re just pissing her off,” she offered when he closed the door, making him laugh.

“That’s why I do it. She’s so easily riled, I get a kick out of it.”

“Mm I’m sure you do. Come, sit,” she waved to the couch before slipping off her heels and throwing herself down with a sigh. “Oh god my back, seriously I need a new desk chair.” She commented as he took a seat next to her and began taking out all the containers from the bag.

“Hey?” she asked before leaning up and pulling him to her for a kiss, a kiss he gladly accepted and returned with vigour. 

“Hi,” he spoke then, pecking her sweetly once more.

“You in the mood for hamburgers or hotdogs? I got both.”

She groaned.

“I love you, seriously,” she added before nipping some fries from the table. “I haven’t eaten since…”

“Probably last night?”

She shrugged.

“I had meetings all day and–”

“And you’re terrible at saying, ‘no, piss off, I’m the boss leave me be’?”

“Sometimes,” she added before she grabbed her burger and took a rather unladylike bite out of it, making him laugh. “Not that I don’t ‘ppreciate this because I do ohmywod-” she added with her mouth full, “But aren’t you meant to be training those kids today?”

At the gym, he’d taken up the coaching job, the boxing kids loved him but it was part-time and paid not so great, but it was a distraction from everything else mostly.

“Not today, today I decided I’d see my girl instead. That’s allowed, isn’t it?”

She furrowed her brows then, but he started eating and didn’t stop.

“Always,” she answered before another mouthful.

They ate then in comfortable silence, her tucking her bare feet under his thighs, chit chatting on and off about co-workers, the weather, how he almost got run over leaving the subway. Little details that she loved to hear and talk about with him.

“So where’s Steve?” she asked innocently before taking a slug of her soda. She missed how he bristled.

“Um, you know I don’t know? He said something about checking out an art class in the city, and then he has a thing with Howard. I didn’t really ask.”

She looked at him and he swore he started to sweat under her gaze.

“James.”

“Hm?” he attempted to answer casually.

“You’ve been twitchy for a while now…” Almost two weeks since they had gotten back. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’ honestly Peg. Now hush up and eat your food before a continent collapses on itself or something and you have to rush out of here.” He smiled, clinking his soda bottle with hers, staring out the window as he drank.

Her patience with his ability to keep things to himself was wearing thin. The irony of that was not lost on her.

****

Peggy hadn’t planned a shagging session into her mundane Thursday afternoon, but she was glad it had happened. The tension was there when they talked of Steve, and she vowed to sort that out as soon as she got a breath in sideways, but Bucky had other plans. Rather than kissing her a sweet, chaste goodbye as he usually did when he’d visit for lunch, he backed her against the door, slid his hands into her hair and kissed the bejesus out of her.

And he didn’t stop there.

So instead of getting back to the mission reports from Moscow, there she was at three in the afternoon, her skirt bunched around her waist, her hair awry, and his lips tentatively on her breasts as his hand slipped over her mouth as they did their level best to fuck silently. He was rougher than usual, and it took her by surprise, enough that she commented on it, pulling back, hesitating, and looking him in the eye for an answer as to why suddenly.

There was no answer there so she gave one herself. Touching his neck, his cheek, getting his attention, giving him the hint to loosen his considerable grip on her hips.

“Be gentle, okay?” she requested softly.

That got her furrowed brows for a second before he kissed her hard, panting and glassy eyed. He pulled back with a whisper, “You sure that’s what you want?”

“Gentle,” he clarified, and instead of an answer she sucked his bottom lip in to her mouth, making his eyes roll back as he stuttered inside her, momentarily losing their rhythm.

“Yes,” she moaned into his neck where she dug her nails in a little too hard and he flinched which knocked some sense into her and she stopped, and he stopped, her legs still wrapped around him, him still hoisting her against the wall by her ass. “Don’t you?” she asked, all seriousness present in her voice, and he just swallowed then bit his lip.

“‘Course…”

_ Bullshit _ .

She grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her.

“Are we on the same page, Bucky? What is going on right now?”

At that the confusion seemed to clear from his eyes.

“Nothin’ … I’m just … I’m just fucked up right this second is all, it’s all good, anyway you want to Peg.” He attempted again to move her but she just brought him back to eye contact.

“I’m asking how you want to?”

He just shrugged and leaned in, kissed her cheek, dejected, slowly lowering her to her feet, steadying her with his arms. Well shit, she thought, that was that. Way to be a mood killer, Peg. But she was too busy being confused to mourn the loss of the orgasm she was chasing.

“Bucky, are you okay?”

He fixed himself back inside his pants with a cringe, and then shimmied her skirt back into place before looking at her with a look she hadn’t seen since they first started seeing each other.

That big, fake ‘I’m great’ grin.

“I’m just fine darlin’, but I gotta go okay? I’ll um … see you back at the house I … I’ve taken up enough of your time.”

He was breaking her heart.

“Bucky come on–” she tried to stop him but he was just smiling beyond manic, beyond the obvious sadness in his eyes.

As she watched him go, Angie passed him and he didn’t acknowledge her which Peggy could see annoyed her too.

“Here are the finished reports from Stevenson, oh and you need to sex it up a little quieter Peg, I could hear you in the ladies down the hall.”

Peggy cocked a brow at her.

“Uh, oh uh, ‘boss?’” she added before grinning, clearly missing that Peggy’s heart was shredded. She hated that feeling of his unexplainable pain when there was nothing he’d let her do about it. She had thought those days long past, but it seems their past had a way of repeating itself in more ways than one.

That night Peggy didn’t make it home, making a sad excuse about Europe and a deadline and there were six or seven of them there, and that she was fine. He knew it was bullshit but agreed with no fight left in him, and that evening for the first in a long time Bucky ate alone, and by the time Steve made it home he was more than willing to fake sleeping if he could get away with it.

And he could.

But then felt like the world’s biggest _asshole_ when Steve leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before gently spooning him and pulling the blankets up over his bare shoulders.

He wasn’t sure what was going on but he was pretty sure his brain was wrecked.

He needed to get his priorities straight and soon before his jealousy ate him from the inside out.

****

“Morning Angie, is Peggy in?” Steve asked, coming to her desk just before ten. He had coffee for her which she accepted gladly and with a sweet smile.

“You can’t bribe me always, you know.”

“Sure I know that, but it’s good coffee, from the little Italian vendor down the block and everything.”

She smiled again.

“Yeah she’s in, but she’s in a bit of a mood so tread carefully okay?”

“What happened?”

Angie shrugged.

“Hell if I know, she and Bucky had words I guess, and I’m pretty sure she slept here last night.”

He was more than pretty sure, but of course he couldn’t admit to that.

“I’ll be careful then, thanks for the heads up.”

“Thanks for the coffee,” she nodded to her cup as she kept on typing and Steve went to knock on the inner office door.

When he saw Peggy sitting at her desk he smiled as she looked up.

“Oh, hi. Come in.”

“I brought coffee and donuts, I know it’s a cliché but I figured–”

“No that’s lovely, thanks,” she replied, coming from behind the desk in clothes that he knew weren’t yesterdays.

“I keep a few spare shirts and stuff here in case I need to change in a hurry or something.”

“Smart thinking,” he agreed as he leaned in and kissed her, safe in the knowledge her blinds were closed and the door was shut. “You didn’t come home last night, I was worried.”

She sighed, sliding onto her desk, coffee in hand, and he took a seat next to her.

“I took the coward’s way out last night if I’m honest. Bucky’s been acting strange since we got back and I’ve let it go on too long, and honestly I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Maybe he’s just in a mood–”

“For two weeks? No, something’s off and I think you know what I’m talking about.”

Steve shied away from looking at her, focusing instead on the carpet.

“Has something happened between you both?”

“No. Nothing.”

“Steve–”

“I’m not being dramatic. I mean literally nothing has happened. Not alone, and not as us–” he motioned to her and himself, “and we don’t really talk not really … so yeah I’ve noticed but I don’t know what to do either.”

“I don’t like feeling like this … this disconnect.”

He nodded.

“He was asleep by the time I got home last night, or at least he wanted me to think he was asleep. Either way, he was gone when I woke up this morning and there was a note on the fridge saying he’d gone to talk to the guy at his gym, and run some errands. What errands though? That’s what I don’t get, he never talks about anything outside of us and when he does it’s vague. I love the guy but goddamn sometimes nothing changes.”

Before Peggy could continue Steve took a breath and kept on going.

“And did you know he wasn’t around when we were gone? At least not with Morita. He called me asking me what happened to ‘our boy’ while we were gone,” he gestured to himself then Peg, “They were meant to meet up and he didn’t show.”

“He told me he did, said they had drinks,” Peggy admitted, her gut sinking.

“So now he’s lying on top of everything else but we’re the ones that feel like assholes, how is that fair?!”

Peggy sighed.

“It’s not. Has Howard mentioned anything?”

“About what?”

Peggy desperately wanted to tell Steve what she knew, but it wasn’t her story to tell. As much as she hated the lies and the secrets between them, it was James’ choice and something deeply personal, and again, not her story to tell.

“About, I don’t know, anything?”

Steve shrugged.

“No, they aren’t exactly _pals_ , you know?”

Peggy closed her eyes attempting to see a solution, one that didn’t involve an argument. If he didn’t want to talk there was no use in forcing him. He had a vice grip when he wanted to.

“Hey, come to dinner and dancing with me tonight?” he asked, suddenly all bouncing puppy with wide eyes. “Howard said Benny Goodman was playing, and I kind of want to go. He says I should go and find me a date.” Steve rolled his eyes. “But if you say yes, then I already have one.” He wriggled his brows, making her laugh. “ _ Pleease _ ?”

“You begging for dates now, Rogers?”

He laughed at that.

“I’ve done worse. So is that a yes?”

In truth, Peggy could think of nothing better to take her mind off things, and maybe get a little drunk.

“Pick me up at seven, bring me my blue dress that’s hanging on the closet and my silver shoes if you must. I won’t have time to go back and change. I have meetings with some agents from two until six.”

“Ouch.”

He didn’t need to know that the meetings involved one party in chains and in pain.

“You can say that again.”

******

He watched them carefully from his spot, a sniper's spot, high up in the trees of Central Park, they had been talking for eight minutes, not directly to each other of course, but as if they were merely two strangers sitting on a bench enjoying the view. One of them had a sandwich the other an ice-cream, it looked like any other business men on a lunch break enjoying the surroundings. Except they weren’t, because Bucky was tipped by Stark and had bugged the man six blocks before, having bashed into him as he ‘hurried past’ with a quick apology.

“You know I could take one of them out right here,” he whispered into his com, a tiny prototype that Stark was working on for mass distribution. There were some kinks, mainly he was pretty sure he could pick up radio faster than a reply from Howard.

“No, just watch. You agreed.”

“ _Shady ice-cream eatin’ assholes_ …” Bucky mumbled to himself, but did as he was told, did as he had been told for weeks now. Surveillance first, hands strictly off the prey. His feet were starting to itch from the lack of action. The two of them, one a Russian politician here on business with the FBI of all things under a flag of co-operation, was plotting with the thin man, something about a package being unwrapped. Bucky assumed a bomb, but Stark had other ideas. And so he listened.

More package talk, but this time there were multiple packages being unwrapped at various locations throughout New York. Delicate. Handled with care. And it all sounded like something you could gift wrap until one of the men slipped up.

‘Dispose of the women after ….’ he said, and then he scowled at himself before reverting back to their package metaphor.

“Stark, is there a reason why I’ve been tailing this asshole with this heavy piece of shit on my back for weeks now, other than to mangle his face? They’re talking about children.”

“We don’t know that.”

“How do we not know that, it fits it fits as to why the hospital files showed up in that intel I got you a few weeks ago, why it was blood samples, redacted results, ten month cycles, we aren’t looking at bomb building here, we’re looking at pregnant women,” he whispered.

“Sleepers?”

“My guess.”

He heard Howard sigh on the other end.

“Washington wants word on the nukes.”

“Yeah, well, what’s more nuclear than countless kids raised to be American hating spies on American soil? They’re on the move. I’ll check in when we agreed.”

“Good. Be careful,” the other man warned, as if he needed to.

“Sir, yes sir,” Bucky added sarcastically before signing off and descending his spot with an odd grace he had forgotten he had. He tailed the thin man for six more blocks out of the park and back to his hotel.

He’d need to change. Lose the backpack for one, fix his hair, and straighten his shirt, if he was going to sweet talk any information out of the girl at the desk. But it would be easy enough. At least someone in his life that week would be receptive to his charms, even if they were all lies.

****

The day had been swallowed up by meeting after meeting until her belly ached with hunger and her head was swimming with too much information. Forcing herself to stop, she took advantage of the SHIELD changing rooms and the hot shower, and attempted at least to revive her tired body and her even more exhausted mind. By the time she got back to her office showered and fresh, Steve was waiting, her dress and shoes hanging on the coat rack. He was messing with her photo frame that sat on her desk, looking smart in his navy blue suit and blue shirt, no tie; his hair was even sporting some product.

“You look nice," she stated with a smile, and he grinned, coming to her.

“You smell good.”

“Wouldn’t have been the case a half hour ago I assure you. Give me a second and we’ll head out,  okay?”

He nodded before leaning in to kiss her cheek.

“Of course.”

*****

Peggy drank and danced the night in the arms of a man she’d gone through so much to hold. She’d danced to songs they knew, songs they didn’t, and a few that at times she didn’t even hear. She had him in her arms and in her heart, but there was something missing, someone missing, and whether Steve would admit it or not she knew he missed him too. Hating that it was a spat that was lasting longer, feeling more and more strained, she drank to forget, she drank to remember. Getting Steve sloshed was difficult, but getting Steve sloppy was easier than she'd imagined. He told her stories that even Bucky had forgotten, little details of their lives before the war. Peggy loved every second of it as she got Steve to do shot after shot, watching it have very little effect on him, but not none at all which was promising by the end of the evening. They laughed and teased the entire cab ride home, vowing to fix things with Bucky, to fix the world, to fix the universe if they could handle it. Gin and Peggy’s emotions never did mix well, and between home life and work life, and all the lives she had to consider in between, she was truthfully exhausted.

Only when they got home, they found they were alone. No lights, no fire, no sign of life at all. No dishes in the sink, no radio left on, nothing.

“I guess he had somewhere to be,” Steve mused as they slid in to the too-big-for-just-them bed, a space in need of filling between them. She couldn’t make love, she couldn’t think beyond the need to fix things, and the gin didn’t help; her emotional state didn’t help either. So if she sobbed softly in the arms of one of the men she loved while missing the other, so be it.

She’d blame the gin.

*******

“Is this how it’s going to be now? You're just not going to come home? No note, no nothing?” Peggy began in a harsh whisper. Bucky had finally gotten in touch that next morning and asked to meet her at the café on the corner behind the SHIELD HQ. He looked like hell, his hair under a cap, a three day beard on the go, squint eyed from lack of sleep, inhaling his coffee.

“I wanted to apologise for that, I had to just … I just had to...”

“This is such bullshit, Barnes.”

He looked at her sharply then.

“My feelings are bullshit?”

“No, this, this is bullshit. We don’t do this, we don’t. We agreed a long time ago that avoiding and ignoring were not ways to fix our problems. We talk it out; yell it out if we have to. I miss you.”

He looked bashful, looking down at the floor then to her.

“I miss you too.”

“I don’t like what this has become, what we’ve let it become.”

“Me either, Peg. Which is why–" he produced a wrapped box.

She rolled her eyes.

_ “Really?” _

“Really.”

“We don’t do-"

“Maybe not, but just this once let me indulge in you okay?”

She was of course secretly thrilled, because what person didn’t love gifts?

She unwrapped it slowly and popped open the long box.

She restrained a gasp.

“Oh my God, she’s beautiful.” 

He smiled at her naming it a She on first sight.

“Yeah? I figured you’d like her.”

And she was beautiful, a WW2 Filipino Balisong Butterfly Knife with mother of pearl handle and gold detail. It must have cost him a fortune.

“James …”

“Don’t, okay? I just wanted to and you love it and that’s what I want to focus on here.”

“Not how much it cost or where you even got it?”

“No," he smiled, leaning in to kiss her cheek but she caught his chin and kept him there for a real one.

“I’m sorry about the other day in my office–"

“Me too–" he began, interrupting her with a shrug. “Going through some stuff is all. It’s fine now.”

“Is it?”

“I promise.”

She wanted to push then, she needed to.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? You know that?”

He broke eye contact with her then.

“And you I, you know that too.”

She nodded of course and they kissed, much to her relief, but what she didn’t realise was that _this_ was how it started.

The rivalry, the pissing contest. The subtle but firm fight for _her_ time, _her_ affections, _her_ body.

They went home as they were meant to, and Steve was happy to see them, to see him. They even embraced and kissed, made tentative steps to making love as a trio for the first time since their trip. Peggy so elated at the thought of getting things back on track, so distracted by work, by Bucky’s secrets, by Steve’s behaviour, all of it swirling, that she missed the crucial details.

They made love to  her ; they lavished  _ her _ with attention, which wasn’t something she was about to protest to, in any lifetime. But she missed that they rarely touched the other. Had she noticed right off the bat, it might have put an end to what would become weeks of tug of war.

It started off sweetly enough, one of them showed up with breakfast or lunch, the other insisted on dinner, one offered to take her to the movies, the other was dancing, a walk in the park was followed up by one or the other insisting they go shopping – spoiling her in the process. Constantly attempting to one-up the other in subtle and not so subtle ways.

She had never in all her life received so much jewellery she wouldn’t have time to wear!

 

* * *

 

When Howard threw Steve – and just about everyone else that worked with him – a massive Fourth of July slash Steve’s birthday party, Peggy assumed it would ease the tensions. A good night on the town, but she was wrong again. They separated as they did at social functions, chit chatted with others, circled the room. Peggy held court with her co-workers, Bucky nodded along, mostly looking bored but attempting not to. Howard got high, attempted to get Steve high, and somewhere in the mix Steve disappeared.

“Your blonde boy is looking real close to throwing himself over the edge,” Angie commented to Peggy, drunkenly leaning with her quizzical brow and hand on her hip. She had previously been busy being chatted up by Gary from accounts. Peggy then looked out from where they sat and sure enough, there he was standing alone at the railing, watching the waves. The fireworks weren’t due for another hour or so, but he had been working the room with Stark last time she had checked in. Instead she thanked her friend and went out to check on him.

“You know someone said Captain America’s birthday was also on the birthday of American freedom. You people don’t do puns by half do you?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I’ve been hearing  that one all night.” He looked at her then, and he looked sad. It broke her heart every time with those eyes of his.

“Come on, Steve, they’re putting on a fireworks show just for you,” she attempted again, with a smile, nudging him, aware they were probably being watched.

“You know Bucky used to tell me that? When we were little, every year, said it was for my birthday, said it was ‘cause it lit up the whole of New York. Cheesy right?”

“That’s our Bucky though, sweet, but cheesy which sounds disgusting but he defies all logic, that boy.”

He looked out on to the water again and agreed with her, though his tone was still sad.

“Are you sad because we’re here or sad because you want to be somewhere else?” she asked, and that caught his attentions and he shook his head.

“No, this is lovely. I mean, Howard … it’s amazing, a whole yacht and all this food and people it’s … more than I ever had. It’s great.”

“But?”

“I’d have been happy just us back home, no people, no questions…”

“We can leave–"

“We’re on the middle of the water Peg we can’t just–"

“You wanna see them try and stop me?” she added with a laugh, and he looked at her then, so beautiful in her lemon dress and white cardigan, the gold necklace he’d bought her that week teamed with the gold bracelet Bucky had bought her after.

“I’d imagine they wouldn’t dare.”

“No, they wouldn’t. If you want to go home darling just say so.”

He shook his head again. “No, here is good, I was just remembering that’s all.”

“Well, remembering is good, but looking forward is sometimes better. So, come inside and have a drink with our boy and let’s toast to you, hm?”

He smiled then.

“Sure thing, Peggy.” At that she grabbed his hand, gave him a reassuring squeeze and all but dragged him inside.

Inside had alcohol, and in that moment she needed nothing more.

******

The strains kept up though, all through the fireworks, for another two days in fact, until Steve had about enough of the awkward and began training at the SHIELD gym into the wee hours, and Bucky was spending more and more time at his regular gym too. Peggy had the house to herself more often than not, and truth be told she hated it. Bucky was still refusing to come forward with his problems, Steve was refusing to talk about anything other than what _they_ brought up. It was in a word, torture. Not the kind she was taught to withstand either, the emotional kind that she knew she was weak to. She couldn’t force them. She couldn’t _be_ Director Carter within the walls of the brownstone, where her agents didn’t have the luxury of lying to her. Her boys, her loves, were her equals. They had choices, they had lives, and she wasn’t their boss she was their lover. Sometimes lovers lied, sometimes they kept things close to the breast, and sometimes it drove everyone mad. But, she was a woman in love with two men that up until a few weeks prior had been madly in love with each other and it was slowly killing her that no one was using their words. No one was communicating, not even through sex. But still, she knew what it was like to have issues within oneself, which needed resolving before bringing the rest of them into the fold. But, god, sometimes she so wished she could pull rank with their stubborn asses! And yet, there she was, trying her hardest to respect everyone involved, their choices and their mistakes, because she knew that whatever they brought to the table as a threesome, they brought it with their own freewill.

It didn’t stop her wanting to scream at the top of her lungs that Steve was scared to confide in Bucky what he needed from Peggy, that Bucky was scared or cautious or whatever he was feeling because of what he was doing at or for SHIELD, that she was slowly losing her sanity knowing things she shouldn’t know, or can’t know about and just wanted everyone on the same page.

****

Peggy had spent the next afternoon in hell, literally in the bowels of the building with an Agent gone rogue. She was selling information to the Soviets. Peggy wasn’t angry so much as she was disappointed. Lacy had been one of the first in under Goldman – one her first recruits to SHIELD full stop.

Peggy wasn’t a supporter of torture; she found it tasteless and almost always a waste of time, they were all trained to withstand the worst after all. So rather than drag it out longer than necessary, Peggy womaned up, went into the room, and was present for some of the more cringe inducing attempts at getting her to admit to whom she had sold the secrets.

“It’s not my anger, Betty, it really isn’t, this isn’t my anger. _This_ is my disappointment. We fight and we fight to get women in positions such as yours, to be seen as equal, seen as trustworthy and loyal, smart and proficient. And _this_ is what you do.”

She was tied down, but able to speak, for the time being.

“I was loyal; it was you that failed ME.” She was downright demonic in her rage. Peggy could relate, though she kept it under wraps.

“How so? No really, I’m curious. Was it when we paid for your family to move with you across country, or when we set your son up in one of the best schools in New York free of charge, was it when we bailed your husband out of jail three times in six months, was it when we took care of your grandmother–"

“You and Stark failed me!” she screamed, but Peggy was uninterested. She merely closed her file. They had what she sold – locations of Stark tech, blueprints. It was always the fucking blueprints.

“Maybe so, but it seems we’ve failed each other, and you, you didn’t just fail me, or SHIELD or the country, you failed yourself and you failed your son. What’s he going to do now? You gone and his father unfit for a straight walk down the street never mind raising a boy with his needs?”

She cried then, and Peggy knew, she could withstand the torture, the water-boarding, the pain, they all could. It was the emotional torture that she had always fallen short on.

“Why’d you do it Betty?”

At that she stopped her sobbing, straightened her back and looked Peggy straight in the eye before she spat.

_ “Fuck you.” _

Peggy merely sighed, “Yes darling, you too,” before she stood and walked out. “Let Stark decide what happens to her,” she spoke to her second in this situation, Agent Farley, who nodded. “I advocate isolated locked down, but if … it’s decided that expiration is necessary, notify her family that it was on mission, set up the account for her son when he turns eighteen.”

“Ma’am if I may, I don’t fully understand?”  Farley asked, still writing.

“What’s that?” Peggy asked, shedding her coat and dreaming of a shower, the one in the locker room would have to do.

“She’s a traitor to her country, her family should be shamed–"

“No. Her husband has enough to be embarrassed about, and her son deserves none of this. He is not his parents, he was not in this life, and hopefully he’ll have his own.”

Farley shook her head.

“But she–"

“That’s all Agent, have a good evening.”

She realised, nodded curtly and bid her good night.

Peggy all but dragged herself inside, saw that Bucky was on the couch, reading, and that from the sounds of things, Steve was up on his level listening to the radio, maybe drawing, she hoped he was drawing again.

“Bucky?”                          

“Hey you,” he began, but she shushed him with a finger to the lips. Instead she grabbed for his hand, and began for the stairs. “Peggy what’s wrong?” he tried but she shrugged as they got to their bedroom.

“Wait here, okay?” she asked, before leaning in to kiss him with all her strength. His confused face seemed less so then, as he watched her take the other set of stairs to Steve’s level. Steve was laid out on his couch, sketch pad in hand, doodling. He smiled and stood to greet her, but instantly noticed her sombre demeanour.

“Just come down with me okay?” she asked, leaning in to kiss him too, lingering for a moment, “I want us together tonight, can we do that?”

Steve swallowed and paused, so she pushed.

“Can you do this for me?”

And that got a nod so she led him down the stairs and into the bedroom where she instantly saw Bucky tense.

“Peggy I don’t–" he tried, but she stopped him by unbuttoning her blouse.

“I understand … actually no that’s a lie. I don’t understand what’s going on with you two, and it bothers me, but tonight I just need you both. I need _us_ in whatever way I can because I just had a really, _really_ , shitty day and I’m feeling a little spun right now, so I’d be really grateful if that could happen, but if it can’t then that’s fine, I’ll go take a bath, and take care of myself.” She punctuated by sliding her silk blouse off her shoulders, exposing her white lace bra as she stood toeing off her heels, still in her skirt and stockings.It wasn't a form of manipulation, she was fine taking care of herself, but she'd rather not have to.

Steve looked at Bucky and Bucky looked at Peggy, before he took a step forward and kissed her, digging his fingers in to her hair as he did so, making her melt against him.

“Yeah Peg, whatever you need.”

A second later, she felt another kiss from Steve as he stepped behind her, peppering her shoulders, unhooking her bra, unzipping her skirt all from where he stood.

She ran a hand over Bucky’s chest, taking her time down to his abs, keeping eye contact so he would hopefully feel connected where it lacked last time. There was nothing but relaxed lust in his eyes so she felt fine yanking off his t-shirt before he stepped forward to kiss her deeply, yanking down her skirt in the process before grabbing a handful of her ass and pulling her to him, kissing until she melted against him. Between their hard bodies, Peggy felt like she was racing toward the sun, hands everywhere, mouths ... she hated that she was so ticklish at times like this but it was hard not to be when there was so much sensory overload. Peggy's head fell back against Steve as he continued to kiss small bruises into her shoulder and collarbone, running hot fingers down her spine, making her shiver repeatedly. She felt like melting wax, and realised she needed this more than anything in that moment, she just need to be taken care of, to forget for a second, and they were good at giving her that.

Amongst …other things.

They worked well together, they had a rhythm, they had a way of working between them that left everyone satisfied – if not at first, then try and try again was the unspoken motto – but everything was so off kilter about them at that point that she shouldn’t have been surprised when it bled through to their sex life. It has started off so well, the men had even kissed – on Steve’s initiative, but not much more – they instead focused on Peggy.

Focused a little  _ too  _ much.

When it happened she was stunned. It was hard not to be when you’ve taken a super solider elbow to the jaw.

It was an accident of course, but one that still left her with a bloodied lip, a panicked looking Steve and a suddenly furious at the world Bucky.

“Jesus Christ, Steve, can’t you just stop?! Can’t you just stop hogging her–"

“Hogging her? She’s not a blanket Bucky!”

“You think I don’t know that? Peggy are you–"

_“I’m fine,”_ she protested, though truthfully she wasn’t. She was furious as she grabbed her robe from behind the door. “This is so fucking stupid. I am not a thing to be toyed with,” she began, and Steve threw a smug ‘told you so’ glance at Bucky that she had to shut down before it started world war threesome. “And I am not okay with this!” she waved her arm at them, attempting to dig through her purse that sat on her dresser for a tissue. “This … whatever the fuck this is, this pulling me in all directions. It’s been going on for weeks; you think I don’t see it?”

At that they both stood sheepish. Bucky looking to the floor, Steve at her feet. Both of them in various states of re-dress, ruffled, half-hard, and flustered.

“Tonight was no different, just physically what’s been happening for too long. The silent treatment, the silly elaborate presents, the tension…”

“Peggy I’m sorry–" Steve began in earnest, and she hated that sad look.

“I know, it was an accident, it's fine.”

Bucky sighed loudly.

“Yes?” she asked of him and he folded his arms.

“Nothin’.”

She was seconds away from snapping she had to get away from them and their auras of awkward.

“I’m sleeping in the guest room,” she announced, and they both looked confused.

“You said it was an accident, Peggy please–" Steve began.

“No. This ends  _ now _ .”

That sparked fear in both their eyes instantly, and she sort of felt bad for them, for a second or two.

“Peggy!?” Bucky asked, panicked. “We can fix this.”

“You both damn well better, Barnes.” She stared them out for it. “This tug of war over me, while flattering to some, _isn’t_ what I signed up for. I signed up for us, as a team, and if we can’t do that, if you don’t  want  that then I need to know. I love you, both of you,” she spoke before touching both of their chins in each hand. Each were sitting on the edge of the too-big bed now, looking forlorn and exhausted. “But I can’t fix this; it’s not up to me. So I’m going to sleep in the guest room and if anything changes I’m sure you know where I’ll be tomorrow.”

They nodded and she held back a sigh. Men were like children in so many ways. Instead she simmered her anger and kissed them both on the cheek.

“Get your shit together boys, for all our sakes.”

 

                                    *****

 

Peggy had gotten wind that the plant they had been eying in Queens had been cleared. Thomas and Andersen were meant to be on it, but they had kids and lived all the way out in the sticks – by New York standards. She had dismissed their agreement to take the mission and assured them that she would deal with it. She would deal with it alone. She needed to blow off a lot of pent up steam after all.  


And it was nothing in the grand scheme of things, just planting a few bugs. It would take her twenty minutes, tops.

She didn’t really feel like having the out and out argument with Bucky though. The night before had weighed heavily on all of them, most notably by their absence from her office that entire day. Instead, she did what she rarely did with him. She flat out lied.

“I’m calling over to Angie’s for a little while, she just wants to show me some of her new buys for an audition she has on Friday. I shan’t be long,” she attempted causally, over the phone. She could hear the TV in the background and the rustle of his book closing.

“'Course. Tell her I said hey and uh what is it they say? Break a leg?”

Peggy smiled.

“Will do.” She breathed a sigh of relief as they told each other they loved each other and hung up.

 

*****

“Gosh I just don’t know _how_ I managed it,” Peggy continued in a faux southern belle accent that she was rather proud of. She wondered if Angie would be proud of her perfect pitch. She knew how she ‘managed it’ just fine; she’d stabbed her tire with her trusty Bella, that’s what. But the men didn’t know that. They also didn’t know that when they were done flirting with her, and eying her up and down in a manner so unlike the way Bucky had before she left, that she had slipped a bug under their car, one in the pocket of the larger one’s overalls, and one on the smaller man’s shirt pocket all without them noticing a thing. It was a waiting game after they got inside and she pretended to drive off, full of thanks and praise for them, and God and salvation in the form of, ‘two of the most handsome men in Queens.’ Sometimes she even surprised herself with how far she allowed these aliases to go.

A ten minute wait was all she had to endure because they got talking about something other than ‘that broad’s ass, man,’ and got down to it. The warehouse was a front, of course it was, and underneath it was what she needed, underneath was where she needed to set up her surveillance. Thankfully Howard was a madman whose bugs also omitted a tiny amount of sleeping gas at the touch of a button if desired. He had joked about marketing them to new mothers.

At least she had  hoped  it was a joke.

Burly was passed out in front of the main door, and Skinny was in the office to the left, head on desk, snoring loudly.

“Sorry, Gents. Needs must and all that.”

She had managed to decode the lock that led to the sub-level easily enough, getting half way down before hearing voices. They were coming closer and coming from the upper level.

She had very well been made.

She refused to let the panic that flooded her win however, and she continued her descent of the stairs, attempting to get a glimpse at least as to what they were running before she’d have to more than likely fight her way out.

Except by the time she’d gotten her photos, planted her bugs and readied herself for a good old fashion arse kicking ... 

Something strange happened.

The men, the voices, they were all laid out unconscious on the floor.

“What the bloody hell?” she muttered to herself, sidestepping several bloodied bodies in her wake.

Before she could digest what was happening the sprinklers were set off. There was a crash in the far corner, and six other men came rushing in with guns. Before she could even begin to test a play for how to run them down, there was a small explosion where the noise had originated and three gunshots.

Four of the men fell to the ground and the reason for it walked out of the shadows, not that she could see him as the other one ran to him, and one to her. She reached for her knife and for her courage and went to town as they faced off against each other. She’d got a few good licks in but so did he, he had a weak knee that she noticed and preyed on, breaking his leg for good measure and knocking him out. The bugs were a bust now and the place would either burn to the ground or be relocated. Thankfully the tiny camera stored in her bra was filled with what she hoped were the locations of the sleeper agents they had heard about from their Moscow source. The man in black battled it out equally and impressively from the other side of the warehouse that was on fire and rapidly catching. She got the man she had been battling to his knees and in pain before she ended his misery with a swift punch, knocking him out cold. As she did the other two men came closer, the man in the dark clothing had the clear advantage and before she could take another breath had knocked him clean out with a punch to the gut and to the head respectively.

She was impressed. She was in awe, and then, of course, she was fucking furious.

He was coming at her, at an annoyingly slow pace.

Fuck that, she thought, and went in, hitting him square in the chest with her whole body weight, knocking him to the ground before she wrapped her legs around his chest, holding him down and not hesitating with her punches, but something odd was happening.

Or rather, _not_ happening as it were.

_ He wasn’t fighting her back? _

Instead he was trying to grapple with her, to grab her fists mid-hit.

She got in a few more slugs before she’d had enough of this bullshit, and yanked off his cover. She could swear she heard her heart stop in those seconds before he spoke.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, PEGGY? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WOMAN!”

Her eyes widened as she held the black balaclava that was covering his face in her hands. His cheeks were red, his eyes wide, breathing fast and frantic; she wagered she was a mirror image in that moment.

A beat of nothing but their breaths filled the rather convoluted air.

“ME? _ME_??? WHAT THE HELL ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 30 brings us all the much needed conversations, and hell of a lot of yelling. Fun right? ;)


	30. Don't Blow It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy and Bucky deal with the aftermath, Howard gets angry, and Steve gets more than he bargained for. Hell, maybe they all do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Hope you're still with my little story ;) If you're with me don't forget to say hi or pop by my tumblr and ramble with me about this crazy ot3! 
> 
> Enjoy
> 
>  
> 
> xo

He flicked the wires off his chest with a wince. It wasn’t a bad ‘session’ but it wasn’t something he was really in the mood for either. And he felt the beginnings of a massive migraine coming on, a normal occurrence with this stuff.

“Levels are _steady_ , Barnes, been steady for weeks. Everything we’ve tried on you, you’ve spat out like a pinball at high speed. Advanced healing, advanced brain activity – memory, perception, cell regeneration, lung expansion, advanced strength, combat …  sensory … we’ve been through this a million times.”

“Never can be too careful is all,” he shrugged before reaching for his t-shirt to pull it over his head, pulling himself together.

“We’re plenty careful, you’ve been on ops–”

“Recon, nothing serious, no hand to hand, nothing violent.”

“You’ve been in and out of the ring a dozen times, kicking everyone’s ass I send in there. I think we’re good. You’re GOOD, Bucky.”

Howard stood there, file in hand, exasperated. He knew that, but it had been this way since they started this thing. He needed to be sure, he needed to feel sure. Sure of what, he wasn’t even aware of at first, but now he knew, he needed to be sure he had a handle on whatever it was that was done to him. Whatever was pulsing through his veins, he needed to know he could handle it in every setting.

He was getting there. Slowly. But with the hope that maybe one day he’d wake up and feel like himself again.

It had been a long time since he’d felt that, sadly.

                                                                       *********

When he was in the gym alone it was when he felt the most free; there was no one around, no one to scare, no one to see. He would run lap after lap, work his way through two punch bags – at least, and bench more weight than he could comprehend when it first started.

_He had skills._

Even that took him a while to let loose on. The first few years he held back, worked out like a normal guy, it wasn’t until he decided to let it flow and test his limits that he realised. He’d been kicked out of three gyms for wrecking their shit in the process; it was safe to say he was different now. What he’d been trying to understand was, was it a good-different like Steve, or a wrong-different like that thing with the red skull.

He wanted it to be the former, but there were days that the frustration and bitterness welled up inside him that he was left floundering.

He felt floundering as he spotted Peggy in that warehouse. A sweat that broke out had nothing to do with the half a dozen men he laid out on the dusty old floor and all about the inevitable; coming face to face with his girl.

You know, after she was done trying to beat the shit out of him.

He was beyond proud of her technique. SHIELD trained, or SSR, or just plain Carter willed, she knew what brought a man to his knees in battle and in the bedroom, and the fact that he was on the receiving end of both was just an incredible (and wholly inappropriate) turn on.

Not so much was the verbal bollocking as the building burned down around them.

“This was my op! It was surveillance only, and now, now we’re fucked!” she screamed, hands in the air, as the flames behind her grew. “What the hell are you doing here?!”

“Stark sent me! He said no one was on this, that it needed taken care of, you weren’t meant to be here!”

“And what are you his errand boy now!?”

“Peggy we need to leave!”

“NO! Not until you tell me what the fuck–”

“Peggy!” he gestured to the flames around them but she stood her ground and in that moment he feared her more than ever. She was hard core.

“Fine, okay, _fine_ , I’ve been training with SHIELD, I’ve been going on small, harmless missions, to … to… find my feet, to test myself!” he yelled back somewhat desperately.

She cocked a brow, still not satisfied so he hurried.

“It’s been part of a project, one I set for myself, okay, I had to … know. So yeah maybe I am his bitch but can you please just get out of here with me and yell at me later! The cops will be here in a minute, and guess what I’m not an official SHIELD agent so I just murdered some random guys in their eyes so can we PLEASE?!” He grabbed her by the elbow then and all but dragged them both out of the building that was rapidly filling with smoke. She pulled away angrily as soon as she was outside, glaring.

“Meet me at the pier,” was all she said, still pissed, and it was, funnily enough, all he needed before they ran in their respective directions. Six miles later he reached the pier front, still in Queens, but away from the sirens and suspicion.

She was sitting on the bonnet of the car, legs crossed out in front of her, gaze fixed on the water. As soon as he got out of the car, the glare returned.

“You could have got yourself killed,” she opened, softly.

“It was–”

“Not just then, in general, playing with fire in Stark’s playpen.”

“I know.”

“Charging in there half-cocked, making a mess of an op we’ve had eyes on for weeks, and why on _earth_ are you wearing a bloody balaclava?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Because Ms. _Secret Agent_ Ma’am, this is fucking Queens, not Moscow. We know people who fuckin’ live here, my old school teacher lives a half a block from where we were tonight, you ever think a that?!” he asked, his Brooklyn in full effect. She sighed and crossed her arms.

“It was idiotic, of you, of STARK, sending you in there alone! You aren’t even an agent, you have zero clearance, and if something went tits up you had no extraction plan, nothing!”

“I’ve been doing a lot more than planting a few bugs I think I could have handled myself just fine.”

“By what? Killing the op completely and setting the place ablaze?!”

“By DEALING with it. We got out of there didn’t we?”

The glare turned to hurt as she spoke.

“So why hide it? Hm?”

He exhaled.

“Peg–”

“WHY? Why trust him, and not me?” she all but cried and the irony of her question enraged him, but he pushed through it.

“Do you share every aspect of your life with me?” he countered and she looked away, he knew why, of course he knew. “I wanted,” he began, hopping up on the warm car beside her, though still giving her space. “I needed to see how … what I was first. If it turned out what they did to me left me like that Red skulled Nazi asshole? Last thing I wanted was for you to be the one to see that.”

Her face softened then, “Bucky–”

“It was personal. You get that right?”

She nodded slowly, picking lint off her sweater.  “I do. It doesn’t mean that I’m not angry, or hurt that you chose a man you can barely stand to help with your … issues.”

He laughed. Issues, right, that was putting it mildly.

“Yeah, well, me either, but he had the tech and the time, so here we are.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?” she asked, softly then, too softly.

“Eventually, when I was sure it was … safe. I guess? But I have a feeling you knew something.” He searched her face and she nodded once.

“When?”

She cleared her throat before she spoke.

“Just a little while.”

“And you didn’t say anything because?”

“Because _you_ didn’t. I thought you would, but then time went on and on, and well…” she sighed, “I just figured I’d wait?” She yanked off her gloves and her sweater, the hot July night too muggy, and the atmosphere between them almost the same.

He looked out on the water before he asked, “Did you tell Steve?”

She looked insulted.

“No, of course not!”

When he didn’t respond, she continued.

“Bucky this was your business, and it was always going to be your choice whether or not to share it with me, or anyone else, including Steve.”

He felt a weight lift off his chest.

“As much as it pained me to keep mum on this, it … wasn’t my place. I could see your pain, and yet …” she shrugged.

“I am sorry, Peg.”

“I know, though you shouldn’t be. As a professional I understand this.” She looked him in the eye then, “As your girlfriend, a little less so.” She smiled, sad but honest. He moved in closer to her, daring to put an arm around her, thankful when she came willingly and snuggled into his chest.

“You will have to tell him you know?”

He nodded, closing his eyes.

“I know…”

“I just want the truth, James. Work is so … murky all the time, but home, home is where I was sure the truth was. Now, not so much.”

And so he sat and he told her everything, from the first day he walked into Stark’s office ‘til that day and his on-going diagnosis of his abilities. By the end of it, she was crying and he was too, even the sky was crying as the rain started to fall hard and fast forcing them to retreat to the car, where she not so subtly took charge of the situation by sliding gracefully, even in tactical gear, into the backseat. His movements were less so, and he landed in a heap on top of her, making her laugh.

“Nice to see some things just don’t change,” she giggled, stripping him of his sweater, t-shirt, and undoing his pants, all as he caught her between for kisses, then she pushed him into a sitting position and straddled him.

“What is it with us and backseats of cars?” she asked, yanking his pants down past his knees, as he pulled back with a smile.

“Hey now, back seats have been _very_ good to us, don’t knock it.”

She smiled.

“I got the best view in the house right here,” he said with a grin that made her laugh when he was eye level with her breasts which were spilling out of her black lace bra, much to his delight. He cut her off mid eye roll with a moan as he began assertively kissing her breasts, still covered by the thin lace of her underwear, then dragging his tongue, making her gasp and sigh happily as he paid her some attention. He was unable to stop the smirk when he found just the spot to suck that made her arch her back again, pressing their bodies closer together.

She ran her fingers through his hair over and over before taking his earlobe between her teeth and giving it a sweet tug, and then a suck that made him shiver, which in turn got a giggle out of Peggy.

“Darling, not that I don’t appreciate your dedication to foreplay, but it’s only a matter of time before someone–”

Right, car, public place, on the run from cops and shit. At that, he pulled them down with a thump and a startled scream from Peggy before she laughed as he shimmed his pants down to his ankles, and yanked her underwear to her knees.

“Well, then!” she laughed and he grinned up at her, wiggling his brows.

He was himself again, they were themselves again, at least it felt like it, and she breathed a sigh of relief for that.

“You’re very efficient, Mr Barnes, we value efficiency at SHIELD.”

“Is that right?” he asked as he pushed inside her, making her gasp.

“Y- _yes_. Highly valued.”

Cutting her off with a kiss and a thrust, he just murmured.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

                                                           ****

He felt light as air, lighter if possible as they pulled up on the curb after each other, both tired and messy, but giggling and as united as he’d felt with her in weeks. They even showered together – and actually showered this time, much to his surprise. But even that was only adding to his weightless feeling.

“Let’s do it tonight. Right now, even.”

Peggy eyed him in her mirror then, as he sat in his towel on their bed, as she fixed her hair – shower-cap hair wasn’t attractive, apparently, even if he disagreed and found it adorable.

“Darling, we just did? Now I know you aren’t exactly lacking in ener–”

“No, I mean, let’s tell Steve. Everything. I’m feeling…” he was grinning, and he liked it.

_“Post coital?”_

He laughed at her, rolling his eyes before coming to stand behind her. She stopped brushing and watching him through the mirror.

“You’re a real stand-up, Carter, really.”

“I know, I’m here ‘til Thursday, tip your waitress,” she grinned and he bent to kiss her cheek.

“No, let’s get dressed and go pick Steve up from the Tower huh? He’s in a meeting ‘til eleven. With Stark,” he added, slightly less cheerfully.

“Great idea, we’ll pick some food up on the way too, hmm? I’m starving.”

He nodded before disappearing out the door. He had lost his underwear somewhere between the staircase and the bedroom and those were a crucial part of actually leaving the house.

                                               ****

By the time they rolled up to Stark’s tower it was well past eleven, and Peggy’s stomach was rumbling, but even that didn’t stop her silly grins as Bucky took her arm and led her past Hank the night security, and up the elevator to their floor.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page again, Peg,” he whispered, and it was beyond obvious that that was true. He seemed like a new man, and she was so pleased.

Well they were on the same page, he and Steve however…

She saw his face drop as they walked past Howard’s office, the shining glass walls giving them the view of everything going on in his office. Rarely was this allowed for the sanity of her co-workers; they had a rule, but it was late night, and no one was around, so he got careless.

There stood Steve, in all his glory, in a new and improved – or so she heard – Cap suit.

It made them both stand stock still with pause, because it looked that good. But also, Howard was there, on his knees. They – rather she –  knew it was innocent. He was fixing the boot, readjusting the knee pad, she could see that, but the grip Bucky had on her arm increased, and his jaw did ‘the thing’ that signified he was more than a little pissed.

“James–” she attempted, but it was too late. He was through the doors, not so much a pause to knock, succeeding to startle both men standing in the room.

“Well if it isn’t my favourite couple, look at you two, Jesus you’re beautiful,” Howard said with a grin that told her he’d had quite a bit to drink. Steve just smiled and waved from his mini podium, a bashful look on his face as they both took in the suit.

“Yeah. Hey,” Bucky all but barked, his eyes never leaving Steve’s.

“We thought we’d stop by and well…” She held up the bags of food, as Bucky laid one down on the desk before folding his arms.

“This is real cosy, I gotta say,” he said, blinking to look at Howard who seemed nonplussed – even if Peggy saw the flush in his cheeks – but she blamed the scotch for that.

“Yeah we wanted to um, finish this off without anyone else around, see what it looked like on, fit – that kinda thing,” Steve spoke then, before looking down at himself with a laugh. “It feels weird to be back in stars and stripes that’s for sure.” He noticed Bucky’s mood – it was hard not to, but he played it down, instead stepping down to greet Peggy with a kiss to the cheek.

“You look wonderful, Steve.” She fought the urge to ‘darling’ him like usual, as Howard took another swig of whatever was in his glass.

“Don’t he though? We worked hard on this, he and I–”

“I’m sure you did,” Bucky cut in, arms still folded, an air of ‘fight me’ floating between them. She saw Steve give him the ‘what the hell’ eyebrow, as she called it.

“Uh, yeah, we did,” Howard began again, this time almost in spite of Bucky’s juvenile tones.

“He’s being nice. I just said a few things here or there I wanted changed – the ability to pee in a hurry being one of them.” Steve laughed, awkwardly, and Peggy wanted to die. It was too much testosterone for one thing in one room, all of it aimed in anger.

“I’m sure he spent a lot of time thinking long, and hard,” Bucky emphasised because he was twelve, apparently, as he nodded to Steve’s crotch, “on that particular … problem.”

Steve was beet red, and Stark just drained the last of his drink, all but slamming the glass on his desk.

“Barnes, you got something to say just say it, I’m about done with your jibes.”

“Bucky–” Steve began, but was cut off by Bucky walking up to Howard.

“You just can’t wait, can you? Can’t wait to feed him to the fuckin’ wolves again, huh? Wasn’t once enough?”

Howard bristled at that, Steve looked between the two men, confused.

“Bucky it’s not a big deal alright? I want to do this–”

“I’m sure without a nudge or a push from money bags, huh?”

“That’s enough!” Steve yelled and it even shocked Peggy, but Bucky ignored him, focused still on Stark.

“He’s a sweetheart ain’t he? Standing up for his new bestie like this? It must feel pretty amazing huh? Having someone like him look at you like that–”

“Bucky–” Steve attempted and was ignored again; he was red again, this time from rage.

“Boys–” Peggy attempted to interject but Bucky looked back at her and shook his head.

“Nah, Peg honestly I think its sweet, isn’t it? Being a man in Howard’s position, could have anything and _anyone_ he wants, and probably does on a regular basis… but what does he _really_ want? A kid from Brooklyn to fight his wars? Win his race to the fuckin’ moon? Or is it something else? Something a little more–”

“That’s ENOUGH, Bucky,” Steve said, without raising his voice, but somehow he was Captain America now, enough that Bucky stopped mouthing off – if only for a second.

Howard was gritting his teeth, his hands in fists.

“You’re so transparent, Barnes, it’s laughable. Honestly, you think I can’t see what this really is? Huh? You wanna talk about ulterior motives? Why don’t we start with some of _yours_ huh pal?”

“I ain’t your pal,” Bucky all but spat. “Means to an end you and me, but him? He did his job, he did his duty, why can’t you people leave him in peace?”

Peggy felt cold run though her whenever he referred to them as ‘you people.’ It was a reminder that she was ‘the man’ now, for intents and purposes, she was the government, and Bucky still viewed Steve as just a regular guy being taken advantage of. Maybe he was right, but if he was, they were all the ones being used as means to an end.

Not just Howard.

“Something a little more, personal, that maybe if he spoils his boy enough he might just get what he really wants. You think you can _buy_ him huh? Is that it?”

They were about to come to blows, Peggy could feel it. So she side stepped in between Bucky and Steve. She wasn’t worried about Howard. He had a mouth on him, but he wasn’t a hitter.

He was, however channelling every little street rat instinct he once told her he had when he squared up to Bucky, who had a good half a foot and at least forty pounds of muscle over him.

“Barnes you are so full of shit, maybe if you wanna look at someone who’s using Steve, you might wanna take a look in the fuckin’ mirror. I’m not the one pining away for something I can’t have here, that’s all on you! You think I can’t see it? You think Peggy don’t see it?” He scoffed. “Darlin’ I don’t know why you put up with this bullshit, I really don’t–” he chided, aimed at Peggy before Bucky grabbed him by the scruff of the neck.

“Don’t’ you go worrying about Peggy, she’s _just_ fine,” Bucky bit back and she wanted to roll her eyes but she didn’t. Instead she nodded to Steve who nodded back, exasperated. He took action, literally, by grasping Bucky by the shoulders, furrowed brow facing furrowed brow, before turning him on his heel and shoving him at the door.

“That’s enough, you’re coming with me.”

It left Peggy standing with Howard who was fixing his shirt.

“Well, this is awkward,” she admitted stepping forward to fix his clothes for him. He just sighed.

“He’s an asshole.”

“Yes,” she admitted straightening his tie.

“You deserve better than that,” he admitted in earnest, and she smiled.

“You and he never have seen eye to eye.”

“He’s in love with Steve, you know that right?”

Poker face, Peggy. She thought.

“I know that too.”

He sighed for real then, grasping her hands.

“Then _why_?”

“It’s complicated, Howard.”

He eyeballed her and she smiled.

“I’m fine, we’re fine, are you fine?”

He rolled his eyes.

“It’ll take more than a Brooklyn asshole to ruffle my feathers, you know that Peg.”

She laughed.

“Good, I’m glad. You sent him on my mission tonight didn’t you?” she brought up without skipping a beat.

He shrugged.

“Howard?”

“Yes. Fine. I was sick of the bullshit. Sick of knowing that he wasn’t being level with you, sick of your sad face being sad when your smile is what lights up my days.”

She laughed then.

“You old charmer.” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before grabbing the food bags. “You want something? We brought enough for a small family.”

He declined.

“Nah I got a date.”

“A date,” she deadpanned. “It’s eleven thirty at night, Howard.”

He grinned.

“Ew, is this the kind of date where you pay for more than dinner?”

He laughed out loud and returned the kiss to her cheek.

“No, not at all. She’s a nurse.”

“Really?”

He walked to the coat rack, shrugging on his impeccably tailored jacket with a sly grin.

“Well, she _will_ be at some point, later on, if I’m lucky.”

She laughed, happy that the incident seemingly left him unscathed if a little embarrassed.

Before he left though she called out to him, making him pause.

“Steve’s a real easy guy to love, I know that as well as anyone. Regardless of–” she waved her hands in a shrug, “of _hostilities_ , it is understandable.”

He smiled then, and if she’d ever seen Howard Stark look bashful, it was in that moment before he saluted her.

“Make sure they don’t leave blood on the rug, those things cost a fortune.”

“You have a fortune,” she yelled back as he got on the elevator with a laugh.

“I know,” he grinned as the doors closed, leaving her alone with the sound of distant yelling as her only company.

Well, she was used to defusing bombs, this should have been no different. Even if all she wanted to do was eat her chicken and noodles.

                                                           ****

 

“You know damn well why!”

They continued, it was Steve this time, she heard through the door. “A. It’s fuckin’ RUDE and B. we talked about this before I thought you were over whatever insecure shit you had with Stark.”

“Yeah well, maybe it’s easier said than done, it’s been a _stressful_ time, Steve,” Bucky bit back. “And you’re blind if you don’t fucking see–”

“So WHAT?! So what if he likes me like that, is it a fuckin’ crime? Is it? That someone besides you finds me attractive, huh?”

There was silence, most likely because Bucky was stunned.

“I know it was always us, okay? Because no one would look twice at me, and not once with you around, so what if he does? It doesn’t mean I’m lookin’ back at him like that.”

Still silence, so Steve continued, now clearly fuming and not bothering to hide it.

“And you have some fuckin’ nerve waltzing in here accusing me of fucking someone else when you can practically sense all the sex you and Peggy just had by the way you’re both walking.”

“Yeah, well, it’s been a while, and at least SHE wants to touch me. Can’t blame a guy for taking what he’s given.”

Peggy could just imagine Steve’s face at that.

“I want to touch you, Buck,” Steve whispered, and yes, maybe by now Peggy had her ear against her office door, but no one needed to know that.

Bucky scoffed at that, and she cringed, she knew why.

“Yeah maybe.”

“No, I do, I always … I _always_ do.”

“Maybe, but you don’t wanna tell me things, like the truth maybe? And you haven’t touched me in weeks, so what the hell am I meant to think.”

She heard Steve take a big breath, before he snapped back.

“Maybe that you’re the pot and I’m the kettle with this shit?”

No sound from either of them then.

“You don’t wanna tell me what you’re doing with Stark? Fine. You don’t wanna tell Peggy? Fine too. You don’t wanna tell me where the cuts came from the other night, or the long hours ‘at the gym’ where you come back looking wrecked from more than a work out, fine. But don’t stand there and pretend to be a Goddamn saint, Buck, because it’s bullshit.”

“I know I’m no saint, Rogers. Always have known that. You on the other hand...”

“Oh don’t start that shit again.”

“Little Stevie Rogers could do no harm to a fly they said, it was always, hatta always be the Barnes boy that was dragging him into trouble not like it wasn’t the other fucking way around from when we was kids!”

“Are you SERIOUS right now, this is what you’re going with?! Neighborhood gossip!?!”

“Yeah, well, same shit, different year I guess.”

“ _Oh my God!_ You infuriate me sometimes you know that? Stop deflecting, James.” Steve barked then and she heard Bucky’s bitter laugh.

“Oh I’m deflecting, smart ass, huh? I’m the one keeping shit inside? Pot and kettle is right huh? What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You know I trust you with my life, Steve? Have since we were old enough to know better, and I still would have walked to the ends of the earth if you said we could. I done told you all my secrets my whole life. You know me better than anyone, maybe even better than I know myself.”

“Right back at you.” Steve huffed, clearly not getting where this was going, though by now Peggy had a sinking feeling.

“So then why not tell me? Why avoid me like you have done since you got back from mission with Peg huh? You’ll touch her; you’ll confide in her, you’ll … trust her. But not me?”

“Same reason I imagine that you didn’t tell me what you’ve been up to.”

Peggy took that echoing of her own words to Bucky used as his issues with Steve as her hint to give them time, to walk back very slowly to Howard’s office; maybe a peace offering of food could bring them around?

                                                                       ****

Steve sat, his ass on the edge of Peggy’s expensive walnut desk, as Bucky paced close by before coming to stand right next to him.

“I saw you, with Peggy, shortly after you guys got back from Russia,” Bucky all but whispered, and Steve blanched at that, causing him to look at his feet.

“I can explain–”

“I don’t need you to, I get it.”

He looked at Bucky then, and he didn’t look mad, just tired. Resigned.

“I just … it hurt, you know? Not that you didn’t include me, I don’t give a shit about that, but that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”

“I do trust you, Bucky, my God I trust you with my life!”

“Don’t seem like it, Steve,” he whispered, mirroring his stance, ass half on the desk, feet out straight in front, both not looking at the other.

“I was scared,” Steve admitted and Bucky cocked a brow at him.

“Didn’t seem so scared from where I was standing, if anything you seemed to be really, really enjoyin’ yourself–”

“Not of …” Steve sighed, looking up to see Bucky grinning. “Not of that, of…” he couldn’t find the words really, because it was dumb, it was, but he feared Bucky’s judgement.

“Go on; explain to me why you couldn’t tell me. Why you had to lie, and hide this from me. When I have never hidden anything before this from you. I’ve told you everything Stevie, from my first kiss to my last, because I trust you.”

“I didn’t want you to think…”

Getting answers out of him just then was like pulling teeth. Bucky knew his avoidance tactics as well as his own, and he wasn’t letting it go.

“Think what?”

“That you were right, that all along you were right, that I did like it,” he blurted out, knowing his face was beet red.

There was a pause as he attempted to piece the crazy logic together.

“Getting hit, getting in trouble, getting the shit kicked out of me because–”

“Because I used to say that? It was a joke, Jesus!” Bucky exclaimed, starting to pace once more.

“Didn’t feel like one, okay?!” Steve yelled before standing in front of him and repeating at a more human decibel. “It didn’t feel like one.”

Bucky sat then, exhausted on Peggy’s oversized couch.

“And what? You think I would, what? Say no?”

Steve looked at him, brows furrowed, streaks of pink still through his face with exerted anger and embarrassment.

“That it? That I’d say _no_?”

“You … aren’t … you don’t _like_ it … to _hurt_ or … to – to cause pain you said to–” Steve attempted, clearly self-conscious.

“When have I _ever_ said no to you?” he asked, the timbre of his voice so low now that he could see it visibly give the other man a shiver. “Hm? When? When have I ever? Even when I probably _should_ have?” He got closer to Steve, enough to slide his fingers along the star of his suit. “Why’d you think I’d say no?”

Steve refused to look at him, instead focusing on his shoes enough for Bucky to touch his chin with his fingers and tip him in the right direction.

“Please tell me, sweetheart?” he whispered.

Steve shrugged and in that moment Bucky wanted to forget his anger that had brewed in the past days, the resentment, the over-thinking. He just wanted things okay enough again that following his instinct to reach out and touch Steve wasn’t one he’d have to second guess. “I was ashamed, I guess.”

Bucky just looked then, attempting to understand.

“Steve, I’ve had your balls in my mouth, you’ve come inside me, and pretty vice fuckin’ versa. Why would you be ashamed of liking–”

“Because maybe you were _right_ back then, maybe I did have something wrong with me, that I sought out pain in ways I shouldn’t have because I couldn’t … get um … pleasure in any other way.”

Oh.        

“And was it?”

“No, it was because those assholes were being assholes so–”

At that Bucky had heard enough, he had to kiss him, he ached to kiss him, and so he did. By grabbing the front of the suit and yanking him down on to the sofa with him. Steve moaned into the kiss, shifting Bucky onto his lap, his fingers scratching into his hair – down to his neck, to his shoulders and back up again, all without breaking their kiss. Steve shivered and gasped as Bucky grinded down, through their clothes, through the suit.

_The fucking suit._

He was too hot, and far too bothered to be that encased.

“I need to–” he moved back, and didn’t dare look at the look of pure wreck on Bucky’s face as he slid his fingers into the hidden zip at his chest, doing his best to yank and pull, only to be stalled by Bucky’s warm hands.

“Let me, okay? Let me do this for you?”

By the look on his face, he meant more than just the suit, but Steve nodded anyway, suddenly overcome with emotion.

“I love you, you know? I’m sorry and I love you and I’m sorry,” Steve muttered into his neck, but all Bucky did was look at him with glazed eyes.

“I’m sorry too, about … did Stark tell you?”

Steve said no with a shake of his head.

“I saw your file on his desk a few days ago, thought it was strange you even had one at all … so I looked and saw the missions, the tests, the … everything.” Steve looked up at him then and Bucky felt all of fifteen years old again.

“I guess I was scared too, but for different reasons,” Bucky admitted finally.

Steve nodded.

“I get that too. You wanted to make sure first. I just wish we’d … you know?”

Bucky smiled, thankful that whatever bond they had was still there, under all the angst.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“And what did you find out?” Steve asked between kisses, before flipping them over so he was on his knees between Bucky’s thighs as he sat on the too-comfortable couch. The action left Bucky slightly breathless and even harder than he was before, which was surprising even to him.

Even more so when Steve started to undo his belt, and the buttons on his pants, and then yanked them off his hips and down to his knees.

“Lots of things–” before he could elaborate the blond took his cock into his mouth and he lost all train of thought, because Jesus! The way Steve’s lashes hit his cheek when he closed his eyes, the way those lips looked wrapped around his dick. His world was soft, warm, and wet in those moments and nothing else mattered.

"Goddamn baby, you’re so–" Bucky moaned as he pushed, pressing snugly against the back of Steve's throat, causing the other man to moan and use his hands and tongue, making his own eyes to roll involuntarily back in his head with the pleasure it rang through him.

It didn’t take long, he knew it wouldn’t, even having gone two rounds with Peggy not two hours prior, and he knew that Steve on his dick in any capacity after so long would leave him done for easily. It was maybe ten minutes, maybe less, but a few more strokes and one soft moan from the mouth of his boy, and he was too close for comfort. Trying to pull back was futile. Steve, the stubborn little fucker, just held on tighter to his hips, pulling him deeper as he gripped the sides of the couch and felt the tingle from his toes travel up as he lost himself in the pleasure.

Smug as anything Steve leaned back on his heels and wiped his mouth like he just had dinner – shit, _dinner_!

“Peg thinks we’ve been fighting all this time,” Steve brought up as he got to his feet, face flushed, and eyes happy. Bucky did his best to keep a straight face and tucked himself back into his pants.

“Nah, if she’s managed to distract Stark this long I’d say she knows what we’ve ended up doing.” Bucky kissed him again, leaning in to ghost his hands on Steve’s bare chest, his suit hanging open like a jacket. Already on board with the easy access thing, for sure.

“There was a mention of food?” Steve asked, redoing his zip.

“There was … but um,” he nodded to the rather nicely large bulge in his new-suit pants. “What about you?”

Steve smiled.

“I’m good, real good, for now.”

Bucky took a mental note that if Steve liked it a certain kind of rough, maybe a certain kind of denial was his thing too.

“Oh, for _now_ ,” he said in full sarcasm, moving to fix his suit for him. “I see.” Bucky took him in again, and Goddamn that suit.

“You did well with this by the way. It looks good.”

“Even if Howard had a hand in it?” Steve asked with a glint in his eyes.

“Unless it’s literal, I don’t give a shit. I was just wound up.”

Steve nodded. “Understandable.”

“I’m sorry I lost the plot though. I’ll apologise to Stark later, maybe.”

“Maybe,” Steve scoffed. “Let’s go find Peg, and food, but mostly Peg.”

“Yeah baby, she was eying you in that suit too don’t think she wasn’t,” Bucky chuckled as they exited Peggy’s office, and Steve nudged him so hard he hit the wall with a laugh.

_“Shut up!”_

“She’s feelin’ it. FEELING IT,” he laughed as he ran ahead of Steve to Howard’s office. Feeling stupidly sexed and high as a kite on hormones.

He stopped in his tracks as he reached the door of the glass encased office, and there she was. Steve came up behind him and rested his chin on his shoulder.

“I guess we were gone longer than we thought?”

Curled up on the large leather sofa that matched the one in Peggy’s office in all but colour, she was snoozing happily, cuddling a container of chicken fried rice, files on God knows what around her.

“Nah, we had a bit of a night before we got here,” Bucky said as he walked into the room gently, pulling the yellow blanket that lay on the back of the couch over her as he cleaned up. “I’ll explain later. Let’s get this shit cleaned up so we can wake her and go home, huh?”

“She’s already awake,” she murmured and he smiled.

“You gonna part with that chicken Peg?” he asked, leaning down to kiss her temple.

“Not on your life, Bucko.”

Steve dissolved into laughter, but eventually dragged himself inside the office and helped himself to a carton of food. A moussed and content Peggy tucked her feet under his thighs and smiled as Bucky took a seat on the floor, crossing his legs like he did it all the time.

“You boys work your shit out?”

“Yes Ma’am,” Steve answered while Bucky smirked.

“Hmm I’ll bet,” she agreed, noting the looks on their faces.

“I mean if all I had to do to get Bucky going was put on the suit–” Steve began, but got a piece of chicken fired at his face from Bucky’s direction before he could continue.

“Let’s eat this and go home hmm? It’s been a long night,” Bucky offered and they all agreed.

Yes, home. For the first time in weeks all three were in agreement. Home was were their hearts were, and it felt really, really good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that little romp! Poor Howard, right? Tut tut, Bucky! If you read this pop a review in the little box it's hugely encouraging and I always love to know what you guys are thinking!
> 
> Coming up ...
> 
> We've got a mission, a time jump and a bit of a surprise 'oops'. ;)


	31. Birthday Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard's revenge borders on childish. Having two boyfriends is super tiring, and turning another year older for Peggy has some perks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this has been so long in coming. Hopefully you're still with me and hopefully this extra long update makes up for my month long absence. I hope you enjoy and review when you're finished :D xo

As it turns out Howard Stark is a fighter, just not with his fists. Instead he chooses to use his power, namely, in this case, against Bucky.

First it was little things, like an excessive amount of mysterious junk mail forwarded to Bucky’s name and address.

Then it was a number of men looking baffled and confused when, _‘this … this_ _ isn’t  Madam Barnes Brothel of Bewonderment? I knew a guy…’ _

And then it was his banishment from the Tower, and while it might sound like something out of a fairy tale, it was, in fact, anything but. Nor was Bucky’s pissed tantrum at being turned away from the tower that first afternoon. It took six security guards to see him out, and that only happened because he didn’t put up a physical fight. The verbal stylings of Bucky Barnes got a showing off that day though, and the poor secretaries got an earful that good Christian girls just weren’t used to.

It was safe to say that Howard was pissed, and it didn’t matter what Peggy did or undid, he always went back and reordered his banishment, or thought up another sham to somehow niggle at Bucky without it ever being traced back to him. Only Peggy knew it was him, because of course he was smug and cocky and couldn’t keep his little mouth shut. But, to save face and to really save Howard’s face from being smashed in, they agreed that Bucky wasn’t to be part of SHIELD – at least in Peggy’s mind, for the time being, until Stark got over his retaliation phase, and Bucky learned to live with his jealousy. It was fine, it was perfect actually. Steve had meetings in DC and Bucky went along this time – partly to keep Steve company, and partly she hoped, to cool himself off. For a long weekend she had the place to herself and they got some much needed one-on-one time. The nightly phone calls were something that she found herself more than looking forward to – both of them vying for the phone, talking over the other. Steve being professional in his assessments, Bucky thinking they’re all ass hats and then wondering what an actual ass hat would be used for.

It was good, they were happy, she was happy. There was a relaxed element of whimsy in their conversations that had been missing in the months prior. It was all good at home.

At work, less so, and not just because of Howard’s antics. Hydra had been spotted along the Soviet border transporting weapons; one of them had been caught by Goldstein, a native of Poland now on the SHIELD payroll as part of the Swedish office now working outside the Russian border. He had got almost nothing but a name, one that like a good operative he tracked down to a warehouse and found that the weapons were prototypes, on their way to being doctored into chemical airborne weapons aimed at the US.  

One of them was being sold to a Texan within the next month, and if they could get to the Texan they could get to the prototype, and if they got to that, then Howard and the science squad could surely, hopefully, determine what they were working with. And hopefully stop them from working with it, in the process.

First job was finding the fucker.

Her other job was staying awake long enough to actually do her job. Not that she was complaining, not that she felt she had the right. Most women didn’t have one man who loved them as much as her two loved her, and so … well … frequently, too. It wasn’t a chore, getting sexed up by two rather hunky-dunky men, ones that she adored and cherished, and had a really, really good time with. It was just, well … she was only human, and a busy one at that, and frankly getting double teamed by her two on a nightly and sometimes daily basis, was, well, exhausting.

No more so when it caught up with her at work over particularly boring paper work, and that one time Angie had to wake her from her puddle of drool over a pile of field reports she had yet to sign off on.

“Hey … _Hey_ … Director Carter?” she felt a poke, someone was poking her with a pen.

She shot upright, a stray page sticking to her cheek.

“Hi, yes, Angie, what … yes.” She composed herself quickly, though the woman in front of her had a hard time concealing her smirk.

“You really should rest up more you know?” she said with a more genuine smile, before handing her a big mug of coffee.

“Thank you, and yes … well, I have been trying.”

“Two guys in the one house has to be hell though, right?”

At that Peggy’s sleepless brain got slightly panicked, and it must have shown on her face.

“Uh, I just mean, you know, I have brothers … and they seem like brothers, well not like MY brothers, but … close. And … you know.  Men ,” she ended with a sigh, and Peggy relaxed.

“Right, yes, exactly that’s what it is exactly just … too much …”

“Stimulation?”

Peggy looked at her then before taking a sip of her coffee, God, her kingdom for a bath full of it just then.

“You know, too much conversation, interaction, that sort of thing.”

At that Howard appeared with a nod. They were late for a meeting, and she was as never as glad to see him as right then.

*****

It was an odd dichotomy to say the least. At work she was large and in charge and had it all together in front of the men that worked with and for her, for SHIELD, but as soon as she stepped inside that brownstone it was as if she could shed that skin and just be Peggy. She let her hair down – literally – she ate on the couch with her feet tucked under herself, without fear of being judged for talking with her mouth full, all while wrapped in one of her boys’ sweaters. She let them cuddle her and spoil her and was able to be a brat about life in general until she was ranted out and could relax. And since everyone made up, it was a well-known fact that neither Steve or James could keep their hands off each other for long – too busy testing the limits of that serum, Bucky would say. He’d also say that it was ‘exploring what other kinks Steve didn’t know he had’, and it was also a well-known fact that even if they’d had time together alone, in the same day, they’d do it all over again with her.

It was great, it really was, but again, bloody exhausting.

Meeting, meeting, half eaten lunch while on the phone to Washington, debrief sit in with the returning Agents from Moscow and a broken heel on her shoe later, Peggy was so glad to be home. To walk in and find dinner cooking away and Steve watching TV as Bucky read by the big lamp, his feet out in front on the coffee table … she was able to release the tension that she hadn’t realised she had held in most of the day. To sit and cuddle and tell them about her day was heaven, and beyond necessary, she was finding.

Of course once they all hit the hay, it was a rare night indeed that they just simply went to sleep. It was difficult to ignore the desire, even if she knew her men had had each other in one way or another at some point during that day. It didn’t matter, they wanted her, she wanted them, together and apart, and the idea of saying no never occurred to her because she was tired of denying herself what she wanted most, and what she usually wanted most was them.

Well, them and heels that didn’t try to kill her.

************

She was pegged – no pun intended – though that didn’t stop Steve; between both of them. Both of them were inside her as she faced Steve and had her back to Bucky’s chest, both of them carefully, but completely fucking her senseless. She trusted them, she did, because otherwise James wouldn’t be where he was and certainly not both at once! She also trusted herself to know when too much was, in fact, too much, but she was nothing if not brave, and all of that combined with the serious lust firing through her veins having been worked up and over for a solid half hour before they even got to the main event. Peggy was sure she was jelly in their hands between strong thighs pressing against her sides, holding her safely.

Face to face, their pupils dark and blown, each of them struggling to breathe and move in sync, sheen of sweat covering them due to exertion. It was easy to be rough, to lose your mind, it was harder to keep control, and even Peggy knew that. Bucky nuzzled against the back of her neck his hips snapping in time with Steve’s. She could do little but let it all wash over her as she tingled, breathless from head to toe. She’d come three times by the time they pulled away from her, collapsing in a heap of graceless groans in between the both of them, and she could do little else but giggle.

“Well, that has to be some sort of record…” she managed as Bucky slid out on wobbly legs attempted to stand but abruptly sat back down. It made her laugh.

“You’re telling me? I can’t feel my legs.”

“Hmm, me either,” she sighed, sore but content.

She looked behind her where Steve had managed to land, and they both giggled at him as he was already half asleep, his mouth slightly parted, his hair a total cluster-fuck, with pink cheeks and nail marks in his neck. He looked so happy.

Bucky disappeared into the bathroom and she heard faint sounds of running water as she dozed off, only to me awoken minutes later by his lips on her neck.

“Darling, seriously, some of us are only human.”

“And some of us have run you a bath, come on.”

“I … can’t, I’ll go later.”

He kissed her again.

“Want a lift?”

She opened her eyes then and he was, well, a mess. A silly, smiling, happy mess. She merely held up her arms and let him do the lifting. Seconds later he was tipping her so she could tiptoe into the bath and sink into the welcomed heat.

“Oh that’s so nice,” she sounded out, more like moaned, really as Bucky just kissed her forehead and moved to leave.

“Nuh-uh, come … in.”

Logically it was going to be cramped, but he merely shrugged and carefully stepped in either side of her and they made it work. She was the little spoon against his hot, wet chest, and he was toeing the tap to fill the tub some more.

“This is nice,” he muttered, putting his head back.

“We need a bigger tub if we wanna do this with Steve too,” she mused. to which they both heard a ‘IT’S FINE I LIKE SHOWERS WITH YOU BOTH TOO,’ muffled from the other room.

“Good to know!” she yelled back before chuckling to herself, sighing again as Bucky picked up the pink cloth she knew to be hers because, well, it was pink.

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” he asked after a few seconds of careful cleansing.

She sighed happily.

“No. I mean, no. It’s not exactly … comfortable being double dipped by two super serumed horny men,” she laughed, “But it’s the best kind of uncomfortable.”

“But did we–”

“No.” She squeezed his thigh to her left. “You know I wouldn’t stand for it if you did, the kind that hurts, not the good-kind of pain I mean.”

Bucky sighed.

“You’ve been hanging out with Rogers too long.”

‘I heard that!’ Came the same muffled voice from the other room causing them both to laugh.

“Jesus, Steve if you’re just gonna eavesdrop get your pretty little ass in here and join us.”

‘No … comfortable shh.’

A beat and then, ‘It’s not my fault, enhanced hearing you know?’

At that Bucky wrapped Peggy in his arms and relaxed.

****

It was the same the next night, only this time it was Steve that got taken over by both Peggy and Bucky. They didn’t alternate on a schedule or anything, but sometimes it felt like they did. Peggy was constantly tired, and constantly turned on; the more they sexed the more sexing she wanted to sex. It was, curious.

Laying in the bed, on sheets she knew would be added to the rapidly growing pile of laundry, Steve walk back in, naked and shame free. She and Bucky could do little else but enjoy the view in the soft light as he cracked open their bedroom window and made his way back to the bed. Though he stumbled against the shield, stubbing his toe, causing a half-asleep Bucky to chuckle, knowing what happened due to the whispered swearing. It usually sat in the hallway, beside Peggy’s briefcase and Bucky’s boots. Minor injuries aside, the early morning sunrise peeked through the curtains and allowed her to see him more clearly.

“Oh my darling,” Peggy gasped with concern in her eyes, hand to mouth, and it startled Steve.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Darling we…” she looked at Bucky then, still distraught. Steve still didn’t know why.

“Is it my hair?” he joked and it caused Bucky to sigh.

“Nah, look in the mirror.”

So he did, and oh … okay. He saw what they saw, and understood.

“Steve, we’ve mauled you, we’ve hurt you!” Peggy exclaimed, climbing out of bed to hug his back, her hands snaking around his front up to his chest and holding on.

He just smiled.

“That’s kind of the point, Peg.”

“No! Look at what we did, this isn’t right!”

He understood her concern. To a normal person being covered in bites, teeth-marks, some hickies and a shit ton of nail scratch marks, would be a cause for concern. But, Steve … well … he liked it. It felt good. It felt good to feel it all, even hours later.

And besides, he knew they’d be gone by mid-morning anyhow.

“It doesn’t mean _I_ do.”

“Peggy–”

“No, I don’t like to see you like this, even if we are the culprits, even if you do insist on it.”

He turned to her and wrapped her in a proper hug, whispering reassurances into her neck. He didn’t want her going to work worrying and he knew that’s exactly what would happen. Instead he coaxed her back to bed and spooned both her and Bucky, stroking her hand with his fingers gently, hoping the action would relax her.

It did.

It did a little too much.

She was an hour and twenty minutes late for work.

She walked through the building with her skirt on backwards.

It was an odd start to the week professionally for sure.

^^^

By the end of the next week Peggy had spent all of one night at home. They were worried – Stark had swanned off to Los Angeles and left her with a large workload, and they on the other hand, had nothing to do. Bucky taught the kids at the gym twice a week still, but Steve, Steve was at his wits end because there was simply nothing on his agenda. Instead, he spent his days reacquainting himself with Brooklyn, with Manhattan, and beyond, relearning how to just simply be, as a man that could walk the length of the borough and not get tired or feel the need to pass out. He bought himself some new art supplies, some books he wanted to catch up on, even took a time or two at the gym with Bucky. But they both missed her, and daily lunches just weren’t the same as curling up with her at night, or waking up with her next to them in the morning. She assured them that she was fine, that it was merely part of the job and that she didn’t mind bedding down at the office when need be. But it had been almost a full week, and well, it just didn’t sit well with either of them.

It was when Steve called Howard to only mildly complain about this that he was greeted with honest to God confusion.

Howard had no idea what Steve was talking about, and said that things had been light since Washington had stuck their oar in and were fielding half their cases off on the FBI. And their new cases were currently routed through the London office to ‘give those kids a chance’ at being team players. It was why he’d taken some time for some Stark Industries business, and had assumed Peggy had taken some days off for personal time.

They both quickly figured out what was happening, and they became so annoyed with themselves that it was all they could do to sit on their realisation and not storm over there and apologise to her. Instead, they went food shopping in the hopes of cooking her a meal, welcoming her back and hopefully reassuring her that it wasn’t just about sex with them. That they wanted to wine and dine her whenever possible; they wanted to date and flourish, but her work made that time limited – which they all accepted. Bucky had from almost-the-get-go with her. He knew the job came first, and of course with Steve, it did too. They call. She insists she’s fine, but that she would be home.

They decided that her favourites should be on the menu, and nothing else.

He walked in as she was bathing. When she took her unwinding bath was one of the more common places where they used to converse, particularly when she would get home from a mission. He’d know she took a few minutes to herself to de-stress before she’d knock for him to come see her, in the old days before … before. Seeing her with her hair pinned up high, the rest of her covered in bubbles was a common sight for him, but one that he knew he’d never get tired of seeing.

“Peg?”

“In here…” she called but he was in the doorway then and it made her laugh. “I didn’t hear you come in, I must be slipping.”

“Nah, I’m just sneaky like that.”

“That you are. You’d make a helluva spy.” It was always her argument. Now considering, he just laughed.

“I wasn’t expecting you home.”

“Hmm,” was all she answered, leaning her head back on her bath-pillow, scented lavender. He secretly loved it because it was ‘her’ smell too.

“I just mean that you haven’t been home in a few days, and when we called … it seems like you were pretty swamped.”

“Mmm.” Her eyes were still closed as he came inside and took a seat on the floor by her feet, positioned so that he was looking at her face.

“Peggy?”

“Hm? Sorry, this is just lovely. You were saying something about work?”

“Yeah, you seemed pretty swamped this week. We’ve barely seen you at all.”

Her hand rested on the side of the bath, moved then to his hair where she ruffled it and slid down to touch his face.

“There was a lot on, so it was just, you know, easier to stay at the office rather than come home for just a few hours and wake up the whole house, so I just stayed there. I called Steve so you both wouldn’t worry?”

“No, I know, and that’s … I mean we weren’t worried we knew you were fine, it’s just … well...”

“Spit it out, Barnes.”

She opened her eyes then and that’s what he was waiting for. She could lie to everyone, but he could tell by her eyes.

“Peggy,” he smiled. “I talked to Howard tonight.”

Her face dropped for a second, and then she picked up her rough scrubby thing that he forgot the name of, and began brushing her body.

“Oh?” she attempted nonchalantly.

“Yeah, funny thing is, he says there’s nothing pressing right now, that in fact things have been light since Washington’s been sticking their nose in.”

“Well, I mean,” she attempted to keep it casual and failed miserably, “that’s Howard, he swans in and out of that office–”

“Peggy,” He pushed with a smirk and she just rolled her eyes.

She sighed then, giving up the act.

“Okay fine, so things have been light at the office, but there’s still been work.”

“Enough to keep you there for three nights in a row?”

She sighed, reaching for the soap. She could tell by the laugh in his voice he knew where this was going. She was caught.

“Not exactly, no.”

“So then why…” he let that sit in the air for a second before he had to smile. “Peggy are you avoiding us?”

She stilled.

“No…”

“No?”

She dropped the soap then, turning to him, her arm on the side of the white porcelain.

“Fine, honest to God truth?”

He just cocked a brow, that silly smirk still present.

“I’m bloody exhausted Barnes, utterly and completely wrecked.”

He smiled then, partly because her tone was so exasperated, and partly because he what he assumed to be the case was right. He enjoyed knowing her that well.

“Is that right?”

“Yes! Now look, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy our … arrangement, of course I do and I wouldn’t really have it any other way, not now.”

He just nodded.

“But?”

“But I’m tired! Not to look a gift horse … or horses rather, in the mouth or anything and I know I’m lucky – most women lack one good man to love them, and look at me, I have two! But my men aren’t regular Joes! They’re infused with some kind of bloody super serum and frankly it’s a lot for a girl to take on her best day, but constantly, CONSTANTLY BARNES, I’m just–”

“Worn out,” he answered, that smirk firmly fixed in place, and he knew it would madden her. He was right, she lobbed the soap at him and he ducked to dodge it.

“Stop looking so satisfied with yourself, it’s really unbecoming!”

“I can’t help it, I mean it’s nice to know that you’re so well taken care of that you need a break from all the, ahem, care we’ve been … giving you.”

She groaned.  He would be insufferable now for sure.             

“Shut up!”

“No, no I mean it’s flattering really to know–”

“Shut it, James.”

He splashed her with her own bathwater then, laughing a big loud booming laugh that bounced off the bathroom walls.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to gloat.”

“Yes you do.” She glared with no real malice behind it; she was just annoyed he had read her so well.

“Yes, I do.” He leaned up to kiss her on the cheek, she playfully swatted him away. “Tell you what, finish up in here, and come to bed.”

She cocked a brow at him, making him laugh again.

“We’re going to read something not work related, and Steve and I will flip a coin on a foot rub for you, and then … we’ll nap if you want, but dinner's almost ready so … maybe we just talk? Does that sound good?”

In truth it sounded a little heavenly.

“A bit…” she conceded finally, splashing him once more. Bubbles landed on his chin which she leaned up to wipe and he caught her in a quick kiss.

Some ten minutes later, when she was dried off and wrapped in Bucky’s t-shirt and Steve’s sleep pants with the string that make them perfect, topped off with her white silk robe. It was an inappropriate but much worn gift from Stark a few years back, when luxury was a dirty word, and one he insisted on using for her after the war. She padded into the bedroom to find them both in bed already, innocently separated, a large space in the middle – her space, both of them reading in the low soft light of their room. She missed her room, her bed, her men.

Steve looked up first, putting his book down, and she noted Bucky’s eyebrow raise as he continued to pretend to read.

“I’m – We’re glad you’re back,” Steve smiled, a little blush creeping into his cheeks, and as she approached the bed he held out his hand for hers. “I get to be on foot rub duty tonight.”

Bucky chuckled. He hated feet, all feet, so she had expected it would be Steve.

It was nice, it was their normal – but their normal was about to be flipped on its side.

They were about to be shipped out.

Bidding farewell to their little Brooklyn brownstone and the odd simplicity that came with it.

*****

For Peggy’s birthday that September Howard insisted that they take a long weekend and party it up in the Hampton's, at his place there, and invite a few dozen of her closest friends.

Thing was, Peggy had maybe three friends total that didn’t include her boyfriends, so the rest of the people were SHIELD employees she liked well enough, or people Howard knew were a good time.

Maggie made the trip though now she was living in Stony Brook it was less of a trek for her and her new beau, Samuel. She was a divorcee now, and it caused quite the scandal in her part of Brooklyn, though Peggy missed it with being away so much. She made the move months before and was, so it seemed, as happy as she’d ever been. She stopped by for a drink and the dinner but they made their excuses after. Still, Peggy was pleased to see her, and beyond pleased that she was, finally, happy.

Maria and Angie were there too and she was ever so grateful for them, and for the fact that they seemed to get along like a house on fire too. They became her go-to gang for the evening, when she needed to escape the government grumps and her boys were MIA. The main event was a party in her honour, though everyone knew it was so Howard could be centre of attention and spend a lot of money on tiny food and a river of booze. She didn’t mind, the parties were always fun … eventually.

They had arrived at the beach house – though beach mansion was a better term, at five that evening. They were shown to their rooms – Bucky and Peggy in a double, Steve in a single next door. His sad puppy face almost killed her as he made his way in there alone. Bucky’s tense posture didn’t help much after that either. They got settled and made their way to the beach. No one else had arrived, they along with Angie and Maria, and Anna Jarvis were the only girl friends she knew were coming and staying over too. The rest of the guests were being put up in a hotel or commuting to the city again that night. She really didn’t want this, a big mess of an affair, but Howard wanted to show his love, and showering people with gifts and things they didn’t need was just his way. So, she indulged.

Maybe a little too much.

“Howard, there’s an ice-sculpture of  me . What the fucking fuck?” she all but yelled over the phone, as he still hadn’t turned up at seven and she was pacing in her robe and hair curlers. “There is an ice – what do you mean it’s funny!? It’s weird, Howard.”

When he made some unsavoury jokes about licking she promptly hung up on him and stormed off to get changed. The kitchen was full of caterers, the boys were off exploring the grounds, and she had convened in Maria’s room where both she and Angie were pampering Peggy. She’d had her nails and makeup done and honestly felt rather wonderful, Howard’s fuckery aside.

“I’m just saying he’s cute is all–”

“Who’s cute?” she asked Maria, coming in to take her seat at the vanity, as she began to undo her curlers.

“Steve.”

She froze as Angie rolled her eyes in Peggy’s direction.

“She seems to think the good Captain would be interested in someone like me, and I’m telling her that’s just not so.”

“And why the hell not? You’re beautiful and funny, smart and–”

“I’m just saying I don’t think I’m much his type is all.”

“Why?” Peggy asked then, attempting to be natural and not give away that her heart was clenching in her chest.

“Peg, really?”

She busied herself with her curls, pinning them back slowly as the women spoke. She knew it would happen eventually, that someone somewhere would attempt to take him away. Outwardly she knew there was nothing she could say or do, so she just let them talk before making her excuses to go look for Bucky.

When she finally found them they were napping on the beach, Bucky with a book covering his face, Steve with his arm over his eyes. A short walk from the house and down into the sand barefoot lead her to them, where she sat down with a long sigh.

“Oh no what did Howard do now?” Steve asked, not moving.

“Nothing – well – everything, but I was expecting that. Did you know that there will be six types of fish at this thing?”

“What if I don’t want fish?” Bucky asked, maudlin.

“James–”

“If I don’t want fish?”

“Then there are two types of chicken, and beef, happy now?”

All she heard was an ‘hmph,’ so Steve continued.

“Then why the sigh?”

“I think Maria will try and set you up with someone tonight, Steve.”

At that Steve groaned, and Bucky sat up to speak.

“We just  had to agree to this circus didn’t we? I knew we shoulda stayed–”

“I tried to say no.” She reasoned, but frankly was getting annoyed at him. He had been in a mood all day. She was annoyed in general if she was being honest. All she had really wanted was a day at the salon and maybe a trip to the seaside and a greasy horribly bad for her figure meal with her men. The universe had other ideas.

“Peggy you never do anything you don’t want to do, we all know that.”

“Bucky–” Steve tried to reason, but he was still talking.

“If you wanted this fanfare then that’s fine, but really just try and keep Stark on a leash.”

“Fanfare? Really James?”

“Peggy–” Steve attempted, but she was still talking.

“Yes, fanfare, God sakes the waste–” he motioned to the house. “There were sixteen waiters in the dining room before we left, and there’s an ice sculpture of you in the hallway and literal actual cases of expensive champagne, and pretentious food–”

“If it’s so horrible then why the hell did you agree to come? Hm? Why?”

“You know why?”

“No, _actually_ I don’t. You’ve been petulant since we got into the goddamn car, and since we got here it’s just gotten worse and frankly I’m sick to my teeth of it. Maybe it’s nice of Howard to want to do something nice for his friends, maybe it’s nice to want to be the centre of attention for once, and maybe it’s just bloody nice to be thought of on my bloody birthday. So if you don’t like it, you can lump it Barnes and go the hell home and stew there because I’ve had it!!”

With that she stomped off angry, maybe not entirely justified in that anger but everything was getting to her. The fact that Bucky was right didn’t help either. This wasn’t what she really wanted but it wasn’t something she was willing to protest to either. She hated what that said about her; that she did, for a night, selfishly want to be the centre of attention, when she usually shied away from it with gusto.

Giving up with her mood being what it was she decided she’d get dressed, at least that was one thing on the list for the day she was looking forward to. She’d bought a slinky gold sparkly number the year before, almost to the day, and never got around to using it for anything. The night, the guest list and the … fanfare, well, it just seemed about perfect.

***

“You screwed up,” Steve helpfully pointed out as they stood side by side at the full length mirror, both buttoning up their tux appropriate shirts.

“I know, I know. You don’t need to keep telling me that. I know.”

“She looked really hurt Buck, and she wouldn’t talk to me either; said she was busy getting ready with the girls and closed the door in my face. I get it, you have issues with Howard, and Howard’s money–”

“I wish I hadn’t said anything okay? It’s just these people … make my teeth itch.”

“Because of the money thing?”

“Because of everything. Because of the dirty money, because of how they make a living, because of how they profit from war–”

“You do realise that Peggy works for and with these people, right? She IS ‘these people’.”

“No, she’s not. She’s different.”

“Different how? Bucky? How is she different?”

“She does it because she wants to make a difference, to make things better. You’re telling me Stark wants to make the world better?”

“Ah, okay.” Steve looked away then, and it pissed Bucky off.

“What’s that mean?”

“Nothing–”

“Don’t do this, not now, Steve.”

He sighed and gave up trying to tie his bow-tie, letting Bucky step in and do it up for him.

“It’s just because she’s ours, right? You don’t think she has to make hard choices every day? Come on Buck, you know what war was like, you know the struggle. It’s not easy, even if she makes it look so. You only know this about her at all because you gave her a chance – remember what you first thought of her, back in the day? And now? Maybe if you just give Howard a chance–”

“We’ll shack up and live in sin in a few years?” Bucky scoffed.

“No. But maybe you’ll find something in him that you relate to. He wasn’t always like this, you know? He wasn’t born with a silver spoon, hell; he was born just like us, with hardly no spoon at all.”

“There, you’re done. Now go on ahead and I’ll follow you,” he ordered and Steve nodded, turning to walk to the door, but pausing to come back before he grabbed Bucky by the back of the neck and kissed the life right out of him, practically.

“Jesus, what was that for?”

Steve shrugged.

“I won’t get to do it all night, figure I’d do it now,” Steve smiled looking at his lips before leaning in, softly this time. “I love you. Be nice.”

“I am nice, I’m a fucking delight. Get the fuck outta here.”

*******

When Bucky finally walked out of the bedroom wing to the dining room and ballroom – yes this simple, humble home had fucking wings. He found an array of people he didn’t know, all dressed to the nines. There was classical music playing thanks to an impressive looking band on a makeshift stage by the large windows that even looked to the sea. There was the team of wait staff serving platters of tiny food and big flutes of alcohol. He just wanted a beer. He figured it would be rude to ask though, and he didn’t want to make Peggy look bad by being ‘that guy.’

Steve was talking animatedly to Angie, Maria was conversing with Stark, and there she was, Peggy, standing by the window listening to some old guy with grey hair and a perfectly fitted suit yammer on. No one else would notice her glazed over eyes but he did, even across the room. She was bored silly. But she looked amazing doing it. The dress was one he knew but never seen her in. Floor length, gold, sparkle, with a slit to the side exposing some classy-level leg. Her cleavage was ample but again, in a classy way. Her hair was down and in waves, pulled to the side revealing her long, perfect neck.

So he decided to do the one thing that was either going to distract her into forgiving him, or seal his fate in the doghouse completely for that weekend. He walked up onto the small stage where the band were playing, and he grabbed a mic – causing the band to stop. He nodded to them in thanks and hoped he wouldn’t pass out. At that, someone, he took a second to figure out it was Steve, was clinking his glass to get everyone’s attentions, and he took a deep breath.

Shit.

His eyes went to her and as he saw her realise what he was doing her eyes went wide.

He cleared his throat softly before speaking.

He was winging it and he was terrified.

“Hi everyone I uh, just wanted to take this time to say a few words. Um, most of you probably don’t know me, and that’s okay, I like it like that,” a few people laughed, “But we’re all here for one person tonight, and we all know her, and we all should because it’s a real honour to know the woman we’re here for tonight. Peggy Carter.” At that people started to clap and she was slowly turning beet red where she stood beside Boring Guy. But, she was smiling. “So it’s her birthday, and that means a year older – we aren’t meant to ask a lady her age, but with Peg – Peggy–” he corrected himself, “it doesn’t really matter what age she is or isn’t, because she’s already done more in her time than most of us will with all our time. She does it so flawlessly that those of us who don’t know exactly what she does – and she’s good at her job because I live in the same house as her and sometimes even I don’t know!” the crowd laughed, and thankfully, so did she. “But she does it flawlessly. She fights the good fight as fair as she can, day in, day out, and she does it with such poise and grace that sometimes I wonder if she’s even real.”

She smiled at him then and he saw her take a breath.

He almost got lost in her gaze. Almost.

“So yeah uh, not really one for words but I figured I should toast to my girl tonight, standing there looking like a movie star, and trying to save the world all at the same time. I don’t know how you do it, or how you put up with any of us.” His gaze fell then to Steve who laughed and tipped his beer – he got a beer (?!) at Bucky to continue, “But you do, so thank you and um, Happy Birthday Peg.”

The band music swelled then as he made his way down the small stairs, and she made her way to the middle of the dance floor to him. He smiled nervously.

“So uh, go big or go home I figured.”

But she just kissed him. Miss I-don’t-DO-public-displays-of-affection just kissed him hard and fast in front of everyone. He couldn’t help but smile when he pulled back.

“I love you,” she said as he took her in hand, to waltz her around the floor.

“I’m forgiven then?”

She smiled.

“Yes, you are. Now don’t step on my toes.”

*****

She escaped to the fire pit outside where she found a very tipsy Maria and Angie sharing a bottle of plonk.

“Without me?” she joked, sitting on the log beside them.

“Miss Carter, Director, ma’am would you like a sip?” Angie offered with a slur. Peggy, not being one to shy away, took a slug and handed it back.

“Ayy, you’re good Peggy. Not snobby at all.”

“Who says I’m a snob?”

“The bitches in accounting.”

Then she ‘oops’ faced with scowl.

“I wasn’t meant to say that.”

“I keep telling her she needs to just take the bull by the horns and find a nice man and settle down.” Maria interjected.

“What about you? Where’s your nice man? Huh? And Howard Stark doesn’t count.”

“Wait what about Howard?”

“It’s nothing.” Maria attempted to dismiss but her blush, even in the fire light gave her away.

“Uh huh, sure it’s not.”

“This isn’t about me, it’s about Steve.”

At that Peggy grabbed for the bottle again, wishing her boys would come save her. Or her dress would catch fire – anything to distract from this topic.

“Oh are we still on that? If she doesn’t want to date she doesn’t want to.”

“But I do. I want someone. Someone nice, and sweet, and with arms that look like they could really hold up as we get down,” Angie confessed, almost making Peggy spit her wine. Jesus.

“Peggy, would he be interested in Angie?”

“Oh I…”

Maria gave her eyes that said to agree anyway.

“I don’t see why not? But really I don’t know–”

“I don’t think I’m his type. He seems to like really badass brunettes,” Angie smiled at Peggy, before petting her hair.

“That doesn’t mean anything … it was ages ago…” she tried to brush it off, but tipsy Angie leaned in with a hiccup.

“Sure it was English, sure it was.” She leaned back with a wink.

******

Hours, and too much food and wine later, half the guests had left and the other half were leaving. Goodbyes and thanks were said and resaid, and Peggy finally got a second to catch her breath as the dance room emptied out, and she slipped off her shoes.

She slid down the wall and when she sat and looked at the glorious mess in front of her, she smiled.

“I was wondering, Ma’am if it would be okay if we had this dance?”

She knew who it was without turning around. Steve stood in the doorway, bowtie undone, hair slightly dishevelled. They didn’t dance all night, knowing all eyes and ears were on them if they had. But now, now it was just them.

“It would be a pleasure, Sir.” He pulled her to her feet then with ease and he started to hum as he glided them around the floor.

“You’re improving fast,” she noted and he just smiled.

“Nah I just work better without an audience.” He twirled her once, then dipped her, and she was a little breathless but happy. His warm hand was at her back, caressing her softly.

“Have fun tonight?”

“I did. I mean those guys from DC are a bit heavy on life but mostly it was fun.”

“I saw you dancing with Angie…”

“She asked me, it would have been rude–”

“It’s fine, Steve. She’s a great girl.”

“Yeah … I mean she is, great I mean, but as a friend you know?”

Peggy just nodded.

“Relax darling, and twirl me around the floor once more hm?”

“I can do that.” The tension in his shoulders eased as he took them around, only standing on her toes once.

It was progress.

*****

“So the ice thing wasn’t a total bust, they’ll be talking about it for weeks,” Howard mused as they both sat on his kitchen counter devouring the large tub of left over Pavlova with two spoons.

“My face melted all over the table, Howard,” she attempted a stern tone, but failed as he dissolved into giggles.

“Fucking hilarious though.”

She conceded, as it had been.

“Did Andrews mention the funding for the Academy tonight?”

“Briefly. They want the European one up and running by this time next year, it’ll be a lot of work, and one of us will have to take it on if we’re to keep it kosher.”

She nodded, knowing what that meant. Knowing that he wouldn’t be the one, that Stark Industries came first, she just wondered how long it would be until she – they – had to up sticks. Or if they’d even want to at all.

“Still, it’s better than disregarding the idea entirely.”

“That it is.”

“Bucky’s speech was sweet I guess,” he began with a mouthful of pie. She just laughed.

“You can say something nice, he can’t hear you.”

“Where is he anyway?”

She shrugged.

“I think he was kicking Steve’s arse in your billiard room.”

“Ah.”

“But thank you, for tonight. For all of it, and for my beautiful necklace.” She touched the piece of jewelry hanging around her neck. It was a delicate gold, with a sparkle that almost matched her dress without being too much. “For you, it’s positively understated.”

He grinned.

“Yeah, well my party – your party–”

“MMhmm,” she mocked, flicking cream at him.

“Was my real present.”

“Well, either way, thank you. You’re a good friend, Howard.”

He blushed then, honest to God blushed, before she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

She wished him goodnight and warned him not to eat the entire desert or he’d be sick on top of the alcohol, she knew he wouldn’t listen. He never knew when to stop with things that were bad for him.

She glanced at the clock on her way to the bedrooms and saw that it was past five am, way past her bedtime, and she was sort of shocked to see that Bucky was still awake when she went into their room. She just  - wasn’t having any of his, ‘you miss Steve too, right?’ face. Instead, she changed into her nightie and robe, and motioned for him to follow her.

Ten seconds or so of stealth, and they were inside Steve’s room. He, on the other hand, was dead to the world and never moved when they both slipped into the tiny bed beside him.

“Happy birthday, love,” Bucky murmured.

And it was, it really was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, hi, so sorry my muse has been MIA but I'm hoping it's back and I get on track with this again. If you've read this and enjoyed it please review as it works wonders for the old inspiration somehow, and I do always love hearing what you guys think! xo


	32. Team Reckless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky makes a decision, the gang do Europe and Howard is kind of scared to eat that breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it been as long as it's been? I'm so sorry guys! I was away on a very busy vacation to New York! But in terms of inspo, living in Brooklyn for a little bit has been very interesting ;) Enjoy! xo
> 
>  
> 
> Ps. Thanks to Linds for being a better beta than I could bet on !

Steve had gone to bed grumpy and alone. He hated it now, so used to the snuggle and struggle for blankets and space. Knowing they were in the next room, so close, yet so untouchable drove him a little nuts. It was, he knew, part of the gig. To the outside world they were all just friends, and friends didn’t sleep in the same bed with other friends no matter how close you were. He slept, fitfully, but somewhere past five he must have fell into that weird coma-like sleep that hits after being at war with your brain for hours on end. He woke up feeling warm and secure.

And then he realised why.

Peggy was beside him, head on his stomach, almost cat-like in her curl. He smiled and touched her hair, waking her up in the process.

“Hey,” he began, groggy and deep and she just chuckled before lifting her head.

“You sleep like the dead, Rogers.”

He smiled again as she shuffled to sit up before leaning in to kiss him quickly.

“Morning breath,” she said, pulling back and putting the sheet to her face, only her eyes and eyebrows visible.

“Mine or yours?” he asked.

“Probably both.”

“You came in here last night? Did anyone see you?”

“We both did, just after six, just for a little while. Neither of us could really sleep otherwise.” He could see her eyes crinkle, signifying her smile. It made him feel so stupidly warm inside that they’d risk that for him, even without waking him.

“God Peggy if anyone saw–”

“They didn’t. Relax, Steve, it’s fine.”

“Where’s Buck?”

“Bucky,” she began, sitting upright this time, head against the headboard, “Is making breakfast for everyone, and I think aiming for a chat with Howard.”

“Oh Christ, we better get down there then!”

She put a hand on his chest then, shaking her head.

“They’re big boys, they can handle themselves. And besides, I wager we have maybe … twenty minutes before someone somewhere comes looking for either one of us, so …” she maneuvered then, putting her hands on his chest, pushing the blankets off him with her toes and straddling him, all in a matter of seconds.

“Oomph,” he joked as she playfully slapped him on the arm.

“So, what do you say, Steve? Want to be a good Catholic boy and not get me in trouble this morning?”

Before he could answer she was yanking her nightie over her head.

Good morning indeed.

***

The kitchen in Stark’s beach house was a chef’s dream; hell, it was an anyone-with-eyes-dream too. Large, with two stoves, lots of open space, large ovens, and a bread maker! Bucky was having too much fun all alone whipping up breakfast foods from the overstocked fridge, having sent Edwin and his lovely wife on a much needed beach morning, as he’d inadvertently given the man the day off.

He smirked to himself. It was sure to piss Stark off, but that was just a bonus. Bucky wanted to make everyone breakfast, and have a talk with Howard and he figured it killed all the birds, so to speak.

“Um, where’s Jarvis?” he heard as Stark shuffled in, hung-over and confused as to why this guy was taking over his kitchen.

“I uh, gave him the day off.”

“You did what?”

“Yeah, he works hard. It’s his vacation too right? Besides, I wanted to make breakfast and he fusses, he hovers, it’s strange.”

“He’s very protective of his kitchen.”

“Mmm.”

“You know you had no right giving him the day off. What if I needed him for something right now?”

Bucky finally turned to the other man, a pan of eggs in hand.

“Well do you?”

Stark sighed, and took a seat at the breakfast bar, closest to the pot of coffee.

“No…”

“Well then.”

Then there was silence as Bucky cooked up another pan of scramble. There were a few hard boiled eggs on for Steve, an omelette for Peggy, bacon, a plate of toast getting rapidly tall, and there was also fruit but no one besides Peggy would touch it, he knew for sure.

“You cook a lot?” Howard asked, inhaling a large mug of black stuff. No sugar, no cream. Bucky winced.

“It soothes me,” he joked. He was joking with Stark, baby steps, he thought.

“Right, you could do with some of that.”

“Yeah, well, you piss me off,” Bucky admitted. “I tend to go on the defence, it’s a natural mechanism, I guess.”

Stark nodded. 

“So, how do you like your eggs?”

Howard looked startled then, as if he wasn’t sure he was included in the breakfast.

“Uh, scrambled is good, thanks.”

Bucky nodded and set about fixing him a plate.

“I blame my Irish mother and Italian grandmother for my food obsession. Those women coulda made a meal outta nothing and always, always over-fed us. Even when we had nothing at all.”

Howard nodded. It was all very awkward.

“Bacon?”

“Yeah… Thanks.”

Putting the plate down in front of the man, Bucky couldn’t help but smile at Howard’s surprised expression, which he was pretty sure the man wasn’t even aware he was wearing.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t poison it.”

Howard glared as he stuck a piece of crispy bacon in his mouth before Bucky turned and grabbed his own plate and sat on the other side of the island, next to Howard, but not too close.

“Where’s Peggy anyway this morning.”

“Sleeping like the dead most likely. Booze doesn’t fit her well the next day, it’s best to let her sleep it off,” Bucky half lied easily.

“Oh. Right.”

“I don’t like you,” he began and Stark just sighed.

“Jesus Barnes, and we were getting along so–”

“Let me finish, alright?”

“Insulting me?”

“Look, I don’t, not since the war, not since you did what you did to Steve–”

“We–”

“Rationally, I know you probably saved his life, sure, and by extension mine, so I should be grateful to you, but I ain’t. It was a dumb thing for him to do I don’t care the reasons.”

The other man sat silently.

“He was my friend and I did all I could for as long as I could to keep him safe and that was all shot to goddamn hell before I’d even shipped off American soil. So yeah, the bitterness runs deep, what can I say? But … and it’s a big but, Steve respects you, likes you even, though I struggle at times to see why...”

“Right back at you,” he sassed, and Bucky let it slide.

“And Peg, she loves you like family, they both do, and well, they’re my family. And … if they see something in you, as deeply buried as it may be, but if they see something and well … then there’s probably something.”

The other man ate with a contemplative look on his face. His chewing was even calculated looking. He took a sip of his coffee before speaking.

“Right back at you, I guess.”

Bucky nodded then, eating a piece of bacon.

“But for an apology–”

“Ok, fine, I’m _sorry_. I was … out of line, and it _will_ probably happen again but I’m trying to keep myself in check.”

Howard nodded, continuing to eat.

“So why now?”

At that Bucky got to the point, the genius was smart after all, he figured.

“Yeah, I want in, on SHIELD, on Team Reckless. Yes, I know they have a nickname,” he finished with a bite of his toast as Howard failed to suppress a smirk.

“And you want to what? Join the madness full time?”

He shrugged.

“Maybe, maybe not, I’m not sure. I just … can’t watch them go off on another mission and not … know.”

“In another life you were a mother to a dozen kids, right?”

At that Bucky did laugh.

“Yeah that was my ma’s dream, not the mothering part, but the kids part. She wanted me and Becks to fill the house full of grandkids.”

Wow, he wasn’t sure where that over-sharing came from, but Howard embraced it.

“My very Jewish family were exactly the same, but growing up poor, I always figured I’d leave that to the rest of the world.”

Bucky nodded, a sudden common ground forming between them.

“You think you and Peggy will?”

He smiled then chewing his toast.

“Peggy and you what?” Peggy said from behind Howard, and he laughed.

“Of course you hear that part.”

She shuffled in in her pyjamas and robe that she was definitely not wearing when Bucky left her last, and came around the side and gave Bucky a chaste good morning kiss on the lips. He gripped his fork tightly, as she still tasted faintly of Steve.

“Peggy and you are doing what?” she asked Bucky, and he just shook his head. Of course Howard intervened.

“Making babies.”

At that Peggy laughed, patting Bucky on the cheek as he continued to eat, then walking over barefoot to the stove and fixing herself a plate.

“Let’s change the subject, shall we? Like, for example, Mr. Jarvis’ birthday next month.”

Howard waved his fork.

“Nah, taken care of. I’m sendin’ him and Anna on a cruise around the Med. She’ll love it, he’ll protest, they’ll go anyway and have a great time.” He smiled, stealing another piece of bacon from the plate Peggy brought over and put in the middle, just in time for Steve to come shuffling in, his hair askew, wearing blue shorts and a white tee.

Did he even own anything that wasn’t red, white or blue anymore?

“Mornin’,” he spoke before smiling as Howard turned to look at him.

“You do sleep like the dead. Everyone else’s been up for ages, Barnes even cooked and look I’m still alive!”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“Bucky’s been an annoyingly good cook half his life.”

“And Steve can’t boil water,” Bucky interjected, making Peggy laugh before hiding behind her coffee mug. It was nice, this feeling of dysfunctional family, Bucky thought. ‘Course then he looked at Peggy and imagined babies for a half a second, those half a seconds he allowed himself every now and then. But then he looked at Steve, and yeah, it just wouldn’t be fair – to choose who, what and where they did it, if they ever did, without someone feeling slighted. And so they dodged the subject once more.

Forevermore, probably.

They said their thanks and their goodbyes very late that evening, Steve being the one to drive them back to the city, this time with Angie in the car, much to Bucky’s chagrin. But he made nice; he was on a roll apparently. 

First Howard, then Angie. 

Peggy found his paranoia endlessly hilarious at times, because really, it was totally unnecessary. Steve was ass-backwards for him and had been it seemed since they were kids, and she knew he adored and loved her too. There was no danger of him dumping them both for Angie, as sweet as she was. Even if there were times that she second guessed herself, the denying him a ‘normal’ life with someone like Angie, she knew better, she knew who he loved and that was that. She wished Bucky would relax a little more about it, but it just wasn’t his style. He was stupidly, amazingly loyal, and he worried others weren’t as such. Angie though, she was a loyal one, she could tell. She loved Angie, they worked well together, and she was a sweetheart with a no nonsense personality and a huge heart. Peggy wished there were more people like her.

**********

Another month, another overseas mission, it was becoming their regular at that point. By late fall they were shipped out again, this time back to Europe. Bucky had had enough of seeing them off, worrying to the point of ulcer induction and having it brushed off like it was nothing. And so, he stepped in. With Stark’s approval, hell, with Stark’s  enthusiastic  approval, he stepped into an agent’s shoes whose wife delivered their son weeks early. He made his way onto the plane and out of the way before either of his loves could spot him. Not that they were looking for him of course. He got his briefing pack from an overly chatty guy named Scott, kept his head down and did the reading.

Not that he needed to of course, pillow talk had its advantages, he realised.

They were suiting up, full body cover – head to toe, including masks. They were to infiltrate the hotel from the basement; it was rigged – apparently – with a blue glow showing up on Howard’s ridiculously tiny satellite invention. He knew a blue glow never meant anything good.

“APO only the op is strictly observation for most of you. Captain Rogers and I will take point inside the hotel, the rest of you disarm the assumed bomb as soon as possible. If unable to disarm, alert as per protocol for evac. All going to plan etcetera, I take the mark. My alias is Irene Belington, single, loaded, and looking for a good time,” Peggy said with a slight laughter to her voice, making the others laugh too. “Basically Nyman’s type to a tee. He also likes them a little dumb. So, let’s see if we can’t give him what he wants tonight in return for access to that safe. Your specs on the mark are on page twenty seven for those of you not paying attention.” She said, playfully slapping the paper of the blonde one, his name was Peterson he though. “Andrews, Stevens, and McNamara, you’ll be on the coms with us from the BCC. Anything from the outside goes tits up after I have him taken care of, alert the Cap and he’ll get me out. Otherwise we go radio silent, got it?”

They all nodded, flipping through their pads and taking notes like good little students.  Seeing her standing there, nothing but confidence and power was a hell of turn on. Not that he could let on, he was still having too much fun being anonymous and the idea of messing with Steve was too good. Seeing him standing next to her in all his Captain America glory too was pleasing to Bucky, not just in pride for both of them, but a little smugness as he thought ‘yeah, they’re mine.’ It took all he had not to giggle to himself as he watched the newbies all but gape in awe at their leaders.

He understood it better than most.

What he wasn’t prepared for was his reaction to Peggy; seeing her on mission was new to him. Sure, he knew what she did for a living, and knew that part of it was acting to get what was needed. But seeing her in a role was something he was entirely unprepared for. Seeing her exit that elevator in a perfectly placed blonde wig, a tight white dress and an over the top sun hat to match was something he never imagined he’d forget.

Because damn.

From his sniper position with comms he had a front row seat.

“Target at three Ms Monroe,” he heard Steve say with a chuckle over the coms, and she tugged her left earlobe in reaction to say she got it then made her way to the front desk. When the pitch perfect southern belle came pouring out of her mouth, Bucky had to remind himself not to gape from behind his gun.

“Hi there, I believe you have a reservation in my name, penthouse I think? I’m not entirely sure, my daddy made the reservations.” She smiled at the girl behind the desk, then to the man – the mark – beside her.

“I am just so darn forgetful these days it’s really a problem,” she said to the mark with that perfect innocent grin. He smiled back, not so subtly taking her all in, slowly.

Bucky gripped the arm of the chair a little tighter at seeing his reaction.

“Mrs. Belington?”

“Oh Miss please, I’m no wife. I prefer the freedoms this world provides, thank you,” she said with a charming lilt that had the girl behind the desk nodding in agreement, the mark was more and more interested.

“Penthouse, for three nights, these are your keys, and the bar is that way, the pool is to the right and down the steps and if you need anything else please don’t hesitate–”

“I won’t, don’t worry,” she added with a wink and Bucky heard Steve chuckle over the com.

Just as she was sauntering toward the elevator again, it happened.

“Oh, Miss?” the mark began, coming after her like his life depended on it. He had no idea.

“Yes? Oh did I forget somethin’?”

“No uh, I couldn’t help but notice you were here alone, I am also here alone…”

She giggled, she honest to God giggled.

“Is that right, handsome man like yourself travelling alone? How sad.”

“Not as sad as a stunning woman such as yourself being left to her own devices.”

“Maybe my devices are best left alone,” she added and there was a hint of the real Peggy there for a second.

“Well that’s also your right, but I would like to ask if you’d like to join me by the pool for a drink or two when you get settled. I can show you the island if you’d like.”

She pretended to think it over.

“I am rather tired after my long flight, a drink by the pool sounds delightful if I do say so myself. Give me half an hour, say?”

He nodded like a good little puppy.

“Where can I find you? I trust you’re staying here too?”

“I am in room 612. I wanted the penthouse and put up quite a fight for it, but it was already reserved. I only like the best of all things, and it is I hear the best on the island.”

She pouted then, flirting. My God, she was amazingly good at this.

“Well, who knows? If the evening goes well you may get to see it after all?”

Bucky took action – it was as if his body compelled him to – when she got on that elevator alone. He took the back staircase and made it to the penthouse door just before her. He was standing there, facing the door in full tact gear, looking insanely out of place, much to her instant annoyance.

“Did Rogers send you here? I told the ops that you were to stay out of sight, if you don’t think this stands out like a bloody sore–” as she was opening the door to the suite, he couldn’t help but tip her over the edge. He grabbed her ass.

In an instant she had turned to punch him in the face, only he had ducked just in time, knowing some of her moves already.

She was furious.

“Who the hell do you think–”

At that he whipped off the helmet and face cover at once, wearing only what he was sure was a stupidly smug grin.

“Well I think I’m yours Agent Carter, and in that get up, yours to do with what you please.”

At that all Peggy could hear over her shock was the billowing laughter of Steve on the other end of the line.

“Going radio silent, tell Buck I said hey,” he continued through the laughter as her earpiece went dead.

“You arse!”

“More like  your arse. Jesus, if I knew this is half of what you get up to,” he said, flicking a blonde curl that rested on her shoulder. “It’s …  hot .”

She rolled her eyes, taking him in in his ops gear too. He wasn’t stupid enough not to notice her reaction too, but before he could make another smart arsed commented she all but dragged him inside.

“We only have twenty minutes.”

He laughed.

“Yeah, trust me, this isn’t gonna take twenty minutes.”

“Don’t waste my time, Barnes.”

“Never, Director Carter, Ma’am.”

****

Steve was busy bugging room 612 when Bucky snuck in. They knew Peggy was on her way to distract the mark, though it all seemed unnecessary to Steve. All he had to do was put his fist through the safe, break it open, and retrieve the map, but no. It had to be covert, they couldn’t raise the alarm for another twelve hours if they hoped to get where the map led without the end game being changed. The blue bomb in the basement had been removed, currently on its way for inspection in an armed container. He wondered how brave the guys doing the inspecting were.

All of this for another little blue box.

“You just had sex,” he commented, taking in Bucky’s dopey grin, as he helped wordlessly plant the little black bugs, under the bed, under the chairs.

“I did. I really did,” he grinned.

“Well I’m glad you decided to come,” Steve added, smirking.

“Aw now we both know I had little say when I came, with our–”

“Bucky–” 

Steve shook his head. Sure they were radio silent but he wasn’t taking any chances.

“Oh come on, you know I have a little thing for hot blondes, Steve,” he said, darting to his left to plant a kiss on Steve’s cheek.

“Careful,” Steve warned.

“I know, sorry. I’m just–”

“Giddy. I know, orgasms do that to you, idiot.”

Bucky smiled bigger.

“So, you were the one that grabbed my ass.”

Exiting the flight in full tac gear, yeah Bucky had grabbed his ass. Steve’s non-reaction-reaction had made his day.

Bucky laughed at that, reining it in as they finished their task, exiting the room and out the fire exit quickly.

“I couldn’t help myself.”

“So you’re really here. You’re really doing this?”

“Surprised?”

“A little, but you know this is great right? This is what we’ve wanted, all of us working as a team.”

Bucky shrugged when they reached the outside of the hotel, walking the block to the surveillance van, Steve and an Agent What’shisface. Before they got to it, he grabbed Steve by the arm, stalling him.

“This is really is okay, right?”  

Steve smiled, honest and real.

“More than okay. Now come on, let’s go watch our girl in action! It’s better than the pictures, I swear.”

*****

And so that’s how Team Reckless got a third member, how they managed to find and defuse three more hydra weapons in the coming four weeks. They were on a roll. The three of them made a hell of a team, and not just inside a bedroom as it would turn out.

Reckless was a fitting term though, Bucky thought as he had flashes of Peggy zip lining down a sixty story building in Rome, of Steve scooting out of a plane sans parachute, of himself even jumping buildings while being chased by rather unfit but sneaky KGB agents. By winter they had taken on Tuscany, Moscow, Berlin, and oddly who would have thought a sleepy town in Devon would be a place for a hydra base, but it was, and it too went boom. Every week there was something new and every night, or sometimes morning, they would fall into bed together, exhausted but exhilarated. He had, he realised, missed that feeling. Not only feeling useful to the cause, but feeling the kind of alive that only came from adrenaline rushes of the stupid variety. Thankfully, or stupidly, he was in good company where those emotions were concerned.

By Christmas they had given up any notion of returning to the States before the year was out. Peggy had commented that she was just glad she’d cleaned out the fridge before they’d left. It was accidental, their stay, and their trek across the globe to anywhere other than home. But as they spent their first Christmas as a trio in a half empty hotel in Scotland, surrounded by nothing but sheep and snow, Bucky figured there were worse ways to spend their lives.

He was with them, he was able to keep them alive, he was able to keep his inevitable stomach ulcers at bay … most of the time.

By the New Year of 1953 decisions had been made that yes, Peggy would take on a larger role in the development of the SHIELD Academy in Europe, that Bucky and Steve would continue Team Reckless, and that Stark would balance both SHIELD with Peggy overseas and then SI with his new partner – a slime ball named Stane who made the mistake of grabbing Peggy’s ass once at a dinner in London. Before he or Steve could even so much as react, she’d laid him out cold on the immaculate marble floor.

Needless to say, he didn’t do it again.

They spent Steve’s first anniversary slash technical new birthday on a rooftop in London getting Peggy drunk on expensive wine pilfered from Stark’s stash.

She giggled, they fucked, Steve laughed at their gag gifts – including a ‘first birthday’ cupcake, and for a time, all was right with their world.

You know, until the next time the Nazi bastards tried to blow them up.

Or until 1955 when a little bundle of something very much _not_ a bomb would blow their lives as they knew them to pieces just as much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that little bombshell we'll time jump some more, but only by a little next chapter! If you're still with me THANK YOU and you're always welcomed and encouraged to come chat with me about my idiots <333 No, really! ;)


	33. Oops!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Trio return home, shit hits the Zola shaped fan and the gang are on their way to learning that their lives are about to change forever.  
> In more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! New chapter for you! This one had to be split in two, as when I sent to to Linds it was 44 pages. 44.Pages. So yes. Split in two, a little like Steve at the start of this one! Ahem. (Warning for Pegging I guess??) Anyway since you last saw me I've had a birthday, I've injured myself and I'm currently nursing a hangover. Good times. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, and as always I'd love to know your thoughts xox
> 
> Ps. This chapter has one of my favourite *ever* scenes I've ever written for this. It's been sitting waiting for this chapter for months. I just love these moments between Bucky and Peggy and I hope you do too!

[Check out the fan art made by the lovely **Summerchild-madeofstone** for this! So pretty! xo](http://summerchild-madeofstone.tumblr.com/post/129781742974/give-up-the-ghost-by)

 

* * *

 

“Harder,” Steve exhaled.

Bucky’s head was resting in the crook of his neck, both of them breathing hard and fast. He had one hand on Steve’s neck, squeezing harder, the other reached back to Peggy. Peggy’s hips twitched as she started pushing into Steve a bit rougher. Steve’s back arched as he whimpered inarticulate words at the sensations before gripping Bucky’s face.

“Harder please…” she heard Bucky groan, but the motion of Steve on her false phallic intensified and she felt it inside her, causing her to moan loudly in appreciation too.

All of them were begging and pleading in time with the mutual thrusts, making the bed Bucky laid on knock up and down against the wall. “Yeah, yes, oh my Christ you two. Please, please … oh, oH…” Bucky squeaked, eyes shut, as Steve fucked him back just as hard and Peggy fucked Steve even harder.

She had realised the first time they had tried it this way that it wasn’t as easy as they made it look. With a little help from her aid, strapped firmly to her hips, she was tiring out but not before she continued to chase her own release. She felt one of Steve’s hand reach back to pull her ass closer. He had to have pulled a muscle in doing so, but she didn’t care if he didn’t; she was right there – and from the sounds of things so was he. Bucky came as the bed knocked so hard against the wall a little bit of plaster fell from the ceiling, making her dissolve in giggles as she pulled away as gently as she could. Steve still winced, but collapsed happily next to them as she got rid of her contraption.

“Christ, we know how to go out with a bang,” she punned, snuggling in next to both of them, accidentally poking Buck with her elbow. “Yes I punned,” she laughed as Steve leaned in and kissed her, first her lips, then her nose. “You two make this look easy. My back is fucked,” she complained making Steve giggle for more obvious accidental punny reasons.

“I’m going to miss this place,” he commented, leaning in further and brushing hair out of Bucky’s face. He was slowly dosing as Peggy snuck under one arm before placing her head on his rather sweaty chest. Steve took the other side, pulling a sheet over the three of them.

Paris had been good to them; it had been the longest they had stayed in any one place in almost two years. Peggy took the role in setting up the Academy seriously, and had for the previous six months been stationed out of London. The boys had been on duty wiping out necessary Hydra threats as well as dealing with their old friends, the Soviets. They were dotting around the landscape, but returning to her when allowed. The latter half of ’54 was spent in central Paris, allowing them all a little breathing room from work, and more time with each other in the famously dubbed ‘city of love’. Dark and moody afternoons were spent by the Seine, day trips to the countryside, or lost inside a museum or sightseeing. You know, just being a regular triad of lovers.

But home called as it so often did in the New Year, and things had been quiet in comparison to their usual schedules. SHIELD had a decent array of amazing agents now, they had the foundations of the Academy up and working, matriculation was expected to begin in the fall, the first students out the doors. The idea of it all gave Peggy a rush.

What gave her a rush of another kind was returning to work, returning to SHIELD – now based in DC full time with offices in NY, Boston, and LA. But she returned to find that Howard had not only been slipping in her absence, but that they had been keeping a rather important point of information from her. An item of importance she only stumbled upon as she caught up on paperwork, and even then it had been placed on top of the pile by Angie’s replacement – Colleen.

“Armin Zola has been missing since August last year?” she yelled, storming into Howard’s office. She didn’t care that he was on the phone.

“Peggy–”

“LAST YEAR? And you didn’t tell me? Were you going to tell me? What the fuck, Howard?!” she was livid, utterly and completely. She was jet lagged and overly angry at the world in those moments, because she’d travelled across the world, stopped off for ten hours in New York before making her way to DC for a week of catch up, and this was the shit she was dealing with on day one?!

“You had enough to deal with over there, with the school and the offices you were juggling a lot of shit all of you were–”

“And you didn’t think this was a fucking priority for us? For Bucky!?”

He looked guilty at that, shuffling some papers.

“I didn’t want to worry you, any of you.”

“And?”

“We had it under control, we were tracking him – he was based out here, out of DC–”

“But obviously not any fucking more?”

He stood then, walked to his bar and poured them two large scotches on the rocks.

“No, not any more. We lost him. He was delivering an address to other scientists that we were in the process of recruiting, and he just … went off the grid. We’ve had teams deployed … for months, but nothing.”

“He’s not skilled in battle, in ops or in espionage, he can’t have just vanished into thin air, and he can’t have done it alone. Who was he working with here?”

“Me,” he admitted, his eyes dark before clearing his throat. “Me, and the other scientist. You know the drill Peg, they were recruited to do their jobs but just do them for the right side this time. That’s all it was. He was being monitored–”

“BUT NOT CLOSE ENOUGH. That little rat is free from our cage and you don’t see the need to tell me? After everything–”

“I know this is personal for you – for Barnes, I do, but we WILL find him.”

“No you won’t, I will.” And with that she stormed back out.

As it turns out there were teams looking for the little worm, teams and a ton of paperwork that she gladly carted back to New York with her. There had to be something – an out, a plan, an escape route. Something, anything that pointed to where he was; for he may have been a turd in the face of humanity, but he was a turd with very dangerous knowledge that if left unrestrained could be utterly disastrous.

                                               ******

 

Back in Brooklyn they were in full swing of attempting to get settled back in. Teamed with Steve buying up the place next door as Mrs. Goldstein had sadly passed away in their absence, and her kids were looking to sell up. There were plans afoot for knocking down walls and expanding their ‘home’ into two. They were both so giddy.

It made her smile because work woes and Zola shit aside she forced herself to live in the moment at home. She had yet to break the news to her men, if only to keep things on the happier note they had been on a little while longer. The idea of that light going out of Bucky’s eyes filled her with dread.

The guys were excited to be back, it was sort of adorable to see from her perspective. Planning days out at Ebbets Field, picnics, the fair, Coney Island was calling apparently too. She had to admit being back in Brooklyn Heights gave her a sense of comfort she wasn’t even aware she had lost in their time away. She realised why eventually.

They’d come home.

Coming back meant organising, cleaning and doing so quickly to make their place livable again. Sure, Angie checked on the place when she was around every now and then, but with her career off Broadway keeping her busy, it wasn’t always possible. So, things needed to be done. Some painting, new radiators, all of which were the boy’s area, and she was happy to let them take charge. But still, organising gave Peggy a high. It was probably unhealthy, but given what she did for a living she was constantly assuring herself that it was perfectly normal to like things ‘just so’ in her home, and just so meant finally making space for Steve’s things in the large bedroom closet. Realistically, there were three floors to their home and the top one was slowly becoming office slash storage rather than Steve’s floor, but the space in the bedroom closet was more symbolic rather than practical. And once the sale went through with next door she knew it would be all moot anyway, but that didn’t stop her from trying.

One issue that never resolved itself though was that she lived with two Brooklyn boys who became men in a war, and never quite forgot the depression, meaning they hoarded everything.

Bucky Barnes was the worst!

“Honestly, comics, shirts two sizes too small, and sweaters with holes in them…” she talked to herself as she made room, knowing if she did this with him at home he would only find excuses to stop her. His winter jackets could use a wash too, she decided before cleaning out the pockets of three, finding nothing but lint, some change and tissues. Then the forth jacket, the one he favoured in the colder months came up,  and sure enough there were more change, matches and something else.

Something else she wasn’t expecting buried in the back of their shared closet.

A little velvet box. With an engagement ring inside.

Her heart stopped as she took in the pretty gold ring with a beautiful but simple diamond in the middle of two smaller stones. Taking a seat on the bed, she had to remind herself to breathe.

Suddenly reality hit her, selfish reality at that. All of a sudden it didn’t matter what she had, this ring represented everything she lost.

She lost a chance at normality.

“Hey Peggy what should I do with the suit? I figure it’s too bulky to sit in the closet so–” Steve stood at the doorway, her back was to him so he didn’t see her snap the box closed and put it in the pocket of her dress. She hoped he didn’t see the tears in her eyes either.

“I have to go out for a little while … we need boxes,” she stammered.

“Oh, I can get those–”

“No, no really it’s fine I need some air anyway … so much dust is making me dizzy.” She forced a smile, patting him on the shoulder in passing. He caught her wrist before she made it fully.

“You okay?”

She nodded, once again forcing a smile.

“I’m fine; I just need some air, that’s all.”

Before Steve knew what was happening the engine of her car was roaring to life and off she sped, leaving him with an uneasy sinking feeling in his stomach.

She drove around for a long time, and then broke free of the limits of the city, taking her somewhere familiar that she remembered from a simpler time. She sat west of the pier in the car at Coney Island for what seemed like hours before she got out and walked the beach. The cold sand between her toes and the welcome lull of the waves helped a little in settling her frayed nerves. No matter what though, she couldn’t stop the sporadic tears that came and went as she palmed the box from one hand to another before finding a rock to take the weight off her feet – where she sat entranced in the hopes that the ocean would wash away her sadness.

                                               ****

“And she just left?” Bucky asked, not even taking off his jacket. Seeing the stricken worry on Steve’s face when he came through the door was enough to make his skin crawl. Something was very wrong.

“I didn’t like it, she looked like she was crying but wouldn’t say what was wrong, and she all but ran out of here. I wasn’t sure where you were so I just waited here thinking maybe she was just getting boxes and I was worrying over nothing.”

“But?”

“That was three hours ago…” Steve sighed, flopping down on the sofa. He had paced and cleaned and paced some more at a loose end, having no idea what to do or even why the pit of worry was spinning in his stomach.

Bucky just nodded.

“What was she doing before?”

“Uh, cleaning out the bedroom closet, old shirts and stuff…”

Bucky paused. And didn’t blink.

“Shit.”

Bucky ran his hands through his hair before he spoke again, “Jackets?”

Steve merely nodded, not really getting where this was going.

“Shit. Okay look, I’ll be back okay? I just … I need to talk to her.”

“Should I go with you?”

Bucky knew he wanted to help, hell, needed to; it was just how Steve was wired – serum or none. But this was something between himself and Peggy, and he had to be the one to explain.

                                                                       &&&

He’d been driving around forever, he’d checked all their spots until he realised where she might go. The water, with no luck at the docks or from Mr. Jarvis whom he called from a payphone, sounding, he knew, frantic.

Then he went all the way to Coney Island, his last resort, and sure enough eventually, there she was. Sitting atop of a rock, gazing out at the rapidly approaching waves. It was getting dark, it was freezing already and God only knew how long she’d been out there as it was. His heart lurched as he saw her wrap her arms and her cardigan around herself. Her hair blowing beautifully in the wind.

“Peggy, you’re freezing,” he said as he shucked his jacket off and onto her shoulders, approaching her noisily, though he already knew she knew there was someone there. She just shrugged.

“I’m English darling, you Americans feel a chill and it’s the end of the world.”

He smiled awkwardly, taking a seat next to her. She still hadn’t looked at him. Too transfixed by the ocean.

“Yeah well, we Americans don’t like it when our women get sick because we weren’t lookin’ out for them, or because they forget their common sense and forgot a sweater.”

She remained silent, and he saw the box.

He exhaled, and she laughed.

“I’m sorry I made you worry I just–”

“It’s fine, really … I just need to explain, about the ring–”

“It’s a very pretty ring, you have good taste.”   

“You sound surprised.”

She finally looked at him then.

“I’m not.”

“Peggy–”

“I just … for the longest time, I convinced myself it wasn’t what I wanted. Wasn’t what I needed even, and what we had was so, so good …”

It was, it still was but in a different way. Everything was different now.

“I suppose I just … panicked when I saw it because it slapped me in the face.”

He nodded.

“I’ve had it a long while.”

“I figured…”

They were silent again, this time he was brave enough to reach for her free hand – cold as it was – and she grasped his warm one.

“I wanted to ask you that, for a long time… it just never seemed to be the right time.”

“When did you...”

“When we last got back together, the next day I went out when you left for work, spent what the university paid me for helping their history department, and saw that and thought it would look real pretty on your finger.”

She nodded.

“But then,” he kept going, “everything changed and I wasn’t sure what we were anymore, with Steve … and if it was even possible, so it just stayed in the coat.”

“Everything did change, and now I can't take that ring even if you did give it to me and have it mean what it would have meant before, and you can't give it to me either.” She exhaled, nudging closer to him. “We just went with the change because it felt right, felt natural, and because he’s Steve and he’s ours and that’s just how it is, and I don’t regret that, not for a second … it’s just…”

She sniffled and it broke his heart a little.

“Seeing that ring reminded me how simple things were between us before. I could hold your hand in the street and kiss you goodbye and no one blinked an eye, neither of us get to do that with Steve, Steve doesn’t get to do that at all and that’s sad. Sadder still is that I’ve found myself today in mourning for us, you and I, and that simplicity. I never had to pretend with you, I spent so much of my time pretending and lying, it was nice to come home to the truth.”

Now there was no truth, nowhere but between the three of them and only when it was just the three of them. The strain of the outside world was slowly but surely taking its toll.

“I know, sometimes I miss that too, but–”

“But he’s worth it,” she said with a smile. “I’m just being selfish I suppose.” She wiped her eyes then, conscious of her makeup, he knew. She was still perfect, tear stains or not.

“It’s not selfish to want a normal life, Peggy. It’s normal to want things that everyone else has.”

“But it is, you see. I have not one, but two amazing men who love me and each other, and I have never felt more cared for in my life!” she said with a sad giggle before looking out at the sea again. “It’s just hard sometimes to keep that to myself, when my girlfriends chide me for you not marrying me or for not having kids with you after so long… I want to stand up and shout at how much I’m loved and have nothing to prove.”

“But?”

“But it’s hard … because if you had asked me before all of this, James, I would have said yes and our lives would be unrecognisable right now if we had.”

If they had been married, if there had been kids, there was no way Steve would have allowed ‘them’ to happen. That’s just how he was.

“But he’s still worth the loss of normal?” he asked quietly, unsure in that second of what her answer might be.

“Yes. I knew then that normal wasn’t on the agenda, it’s just sometimes, like today, I get nostalgic for it.”

“I wish it were easier, to love who you love and have the world just deal with it, but it’s not, not even close. I … don’t want you to wake up ten, twenty years from now and regret this, Peg. If you wanna get married, you wanna make babies? We’ll do that too! Hell, we’ll flip a coin to decide if we have to!” he said with a laugh, standing in front of her, animated and a little manic. She knew this side to him, he was playing it for laughs, for if he didn’t she knew he would cry.

“How romantic!” she countered, letting him pull her up and into his arms for a hug, a great big tight one that allowed her to hear his panicked breaths.

“I swear it, if it’s what you want we’ll find a way,” he whispered and for some odd reason just the fact that he – they – wanted to make her happy no matter what, put her heart at ease.

“But what about what you want? What you both want?”

“We’ve already got so much more than we ever thought we’d get. We got each other back and we got this amazing woman who kicks so much ‘arse’ and knows us for who we really are and loves us despite it all, we’re the two luckiest bastards in Brooklyn … hell the whole world!”

“Because …” Peggy admitted a little shy suddenly pushing her forehead into his chest, allowing him to embrace her fully.

“Huh?”

“Loves you because she knows you both, also please don’t mock my accent you’re really terrible at it, love.”

“Noted,” he added, kissing her on the temple before they both fell into silence watching the waves crash violently against each other for a precious few seconds before she took his hand and led him back to her car, parked in a secluded spot of a now empty parking lot.

“Mr. Jarvis lent me this car. It’s one of Howard’s naturally, hence the sheer size, and the obnoxiously dark glass in the windows,” she commented, fixing her hair in the mirror before looking at him with a sardonic smile. “Fancy parking with your old lady, Buck?”

“I know you’re joking right now, but honestly never expect me to say no to that question, Peg,” he laughed, leaning over to kiss her but she pulled away after just a peck. He smiled at her then, genuine and big. He knew she was joking but he wasn’t. And he desperately wanted to shed this mood, this cloud over both of them. So he shrugged out of his jacket and kicked off his shoes as she started to laugh.

“Bucky! No, there could be people!”

“Obnoxious windows remember? We just gotta keep the erm, rhythm to a minimum and the radio loud enough and no one will bother us.” At that he all but threw himself into the backseat with a stupid grin. He started to unbutton his shirt and he could see her watching him in the rear view mirror, her expression serious. So he went in for the kill, slowing his roll and looked at her through hooded eyes, using that grin that had gotten him laid since he was fifteen.

“Unless of course you really don’t want to, in which case…” his hand slipped to his belt and he saw her look. “I won’t really pass up an opportunity to defile something overpriced that belongs to Howard Stark, so I may just … help myself.”

She rolled her eyes with a huffed laugh then, turning to him, her cheeks were pink and he knew he’d won.

“You are completely shameless.”

“Like a whore in church, darlin’. So whatdoyasay huh? Let’s fuck in the backseat of a Stark Industries vehicle, all in the name of business and pleasure.”

“You used to be a lot more romantic than this, as I recall?” she smiled, but she was already toeing off her shoes too. His heart and his dick skipped a beat. By the time she was shimmed on top of him, undoing the top few buttons of her dress, he didn’t care if they did have an audience.

“No I think you’ve just gotten too used to Steve that’s what I think.”

She kissed him then, deep and dizzying before pulling back.

“You don’t fool me, you know. I know you love the schmaltzy romance as much as he does, if not _more_.”

“Well, I mean sure, but you never bring me flowers anymore …” he added with a grin.

“I’ll buy you flowers, baby,” she continued, but her lips were on his neck, right by that spot they both knew he liked being paid a lot of attention to. His hands gripped up her back and his hips moved of their own accord.

“Mmmm … mmm. Yes, flowers.”

“All kinds of flowers, what would you like, hm? Roses?”

She bit, he gripped.

“N-no, too cliché.”

“Oh, of course.” Her fingers, nimble and confident, in steps to a dance they’d done a thousand times, moved down with ease to push his pants down onto his thighs.

“I like–” Before he could finish his sentence she had grabbed him, knowledgeably stroked him just how he liked, and he forgot what the topic at hand was. So to speak.

Instead he got willingly lost in her touch, grasping her to kiss her deeply, to try and pour just how much he loved her into those kisses. How madly he loved her, a reality that scared him at times, but he figured there were worse ways to be a madman than one in love with people that loved him back just as much.

He yanked the straps of her bra down, exposing her always perfect breasts. She hated them, hated how large they were, but to him and to Steve, and he was pretty sure to anyone with eyes, they could see how perfect they were, hot and heavy in his hands like always, as he tweaked and palmed just enough to get her to grip his hair a little tighter.

He didn’t want to rush it, but they were in public and the co-director of SHIELD being arrested for public indecency wasn’t something they needed, and so he shifted to maneuverer them so that he could slide his fingers inside her, finding her already ready. The knowledge made him even harder, if possible.

“Shit, no shit!” he gasped when she separated from his mouth.

“What?” she still had him in her grasp and oh, God.

“I don’t have anything, Peg. I wasn’t exactly expecting to get laid on the fly today–”

“Shit… Shit!” she said leaning in to kiss him again, before pulling back and rolling her eyes.

“I don’t even care right now, I just need you, I refuse to get us all worked up like this and just go for a cup of tea.”

He laughed then. “But I thought tea solved everything.”

“It will if I pour it on this?!” she asked, incredulous, and she kind of scared him which in turn was well, a turn on, as usual.

“You sure?”

“Fuck it, just practice what they teach you Catholics in church or whatever and pull out before.”

“You know they don’t REALLY–”

“I don’t careeeee–” she singsonged, moving to kiss him again, moving so she was straddling him, before yanking aside her knickers.

She moaned into his neck as he pushed up inside of her, her thighs grasping at his as she started to move right away. Rubbing her there too just the right rhythmic timing thanks to countless encounters in backseats of cars, he thought.

He really was a classy guy, deep down. Way down. In like, the soles of his feet he was a Duke.

Gripping her skull, threading his fingers in her soft hair as she made it all look so easy on top of him. Moving them both in perfect rhythm making him crazy and starry eyed.

She was breathless and open-mouthed before biting her lip blood red the way she did when he or Steve hit her sweet spot just so, and the crimson that creeped up her cheek made his chest tingle. As did hearing her short breathless moans, biting out the Lord’s name, his name, all while riding him recklessly. It didn’t matter that his head was hitting off the side of the car, or that he had a leg cramp, or that her nails were actually starting to draw a little blood. None of it mattered because he felt her tighten and tense, eyes closed, lost in waves of pleasure that rivalled the waves outside the rapidly steamed up car. He lost his cool then as he so often did, the pleasure of his loves getting him off quicker than anything else, and that’s when he could have shot himself in the foot.

“Wait, wait no, Peggy–”

Her wide eyed reaction, he was sure, matched his perfectly.

                                                           **********

“Peggy I’m gonna put a man on the moon!”

“Howard are you high?” Peggy asked from where she was suited up and in position.

“Most always yes, but this is real,” he chortled.

“So the pissing contest continues,” Steve sighed over the comms and it made Peggy laugh. Bucky was in position, sniper in hand, she and Steve – much to Steve’s chagrin – were tasked on abseiling down the half blown up block of flats in east London, rumoured Hydra tech was apparently on the remains of the fortieth floor.

“We’re already winning Stevie boy, don’t you forget that. We’re gonna crush those bastards with everything we got.”

Peggy just rolled her eyes.

“Another time, gents, yes? Tech to be found and I have an Academy to check up on.”

And Steve and Bucky were off on another goose chase. It had been this way since they had all found out about Zola. Apparently he and a small handful of seemingly useless but in actual fact critical to the research of Project Rebirth, had in fact gone MIA with him. She had put off telling them for as long as her conscience would allow it, but eventually, that night in fact when she and Bucky returned home to a fretting Steve, she had decided to sidestep the engagement ring story in favour of coming out with a more pressing matter.

She’d never forget the look of pain on Bucky’s face that night, and more so when Steve attempted to comfort him out of earshot, only to be shot down like a bird, unwanted.

Things had been tense since, Steve vowing to stop at nothing to find them, Bucky initially taking on somewhat of a passive role, a more detached reaction. It was one that she had expected from Steve, but then again Steve never suffered at the hands of the little troll like Bucky had. Her own anger at herself, at her inability to stop things from the get-go threatened to overtake her, as silent as she kept it, he knew. Until one afternoon he told her as much.

Still detached and unemotional, he assured her it was fine. He trusted in SHIELD to do what had to be done and that was that.

She wished she could have believed him, but of the three of them, she was the seasoned liar; it was after all, a part of her job.

But that had been three weeks prior, and they had each gone back into the field since. Short missions, then back home in a day or so. But now was different, her guys were headed home. Steve to Washington to press the flesh and be Captain America for the president and the press, and Bucky to Brooklyn, and her to the Academy, to oversee and be the boss there too.

She hated the idea of him being at home alone in the mood he was in, but there was little she could do about it, being the boss meant very little when there was shit to be done.

She and Steve went radio silent until the job was secure.

“He’ll be fine, he’s always fine sweetheart,” Steve mused as they secured the tech into the annoyingly large metal box. His terms of endearment were always a surprise, even now, but she loved them just as much as the first time he’d tried it out.

“I know, I just worry he’ll go and do something stupid, this is so personal for him.”

“It’s personal for all of us, he’s our guy, but I trust Howard. He says there’s a team, there’s a team.”

She shrugged to herself. “Yeah, I know, but still.”

“You have enough on your plate, I’ll get back, make sure he’s okay and we’ll call. I’m gone for two days tops.”

“Maybe make him go too?”

“He hates DC you know that, it’ll be like getting blood from a stone.”

At that she stepped up into Steve’s space. It was dark and just the two of them, so Peggy got on her tiptoes to kiss him like there was nothing to worry about, and he made sure to take full advantage. Grabbing her ass, pulling her closer, knowing they couldn’t touch until they were all back at the hotel. But it was early March in England, and they were fucking freezing.

“Persuade him, you’re better at it than you think.”

He licked his lips as she pulled back. They had only just gotten de-tangled from each other less than five hours before, but somehow it was never enough.

“Not as good as you though.”

She winked as they yanked on the line, the signal to get pulled back up.

“SR PC to base. Mission accomplished, bring us home,” she said through her comms, and the wires started to tighten.

He wanted to skip dinner that night and dine in on her alone, he was sure Bucky wouldn’t protest that idea. The Washington thing though, that would be like pulling teeth.

****

She bid her loves long goodbyes that morning, gentle kisses and long hugs were had before she tiptoed out of Steve’s hotel room, leaving Bucky with him as they were flying back together. She had a long day, a long week really, ahead of her. It was only the first quarter of the year but they were accepting students in September and she wanted to be on the ball. Their first cases of admission were being processed and she was to oversee. There would be six hundred in the first semesters and she could not have been more proud. They had tasked teachers from all walks of life, willing to accept a small government salary until things got up and running, and then hopefully it would be less small, but she wasn’t holding her breath. Washington and Parliament in conjunction with the newly forming World Security Council were right tight wads with their money, even if they were fighting their fights and bringing up the next generation of genius kids on the side of good to boot. But she could – she would – do it as best she could, with the best people she could find, just like she did everything else they threw at her.

No matter what little _bumps_ in the road she might experience, in the road or … _elsewhere_ for that matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Oh yeah she's in for a shock next chapter, that's for sure ;) Review if you like loves! xo


	34. Ebbs and Flows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky isn't over it. Pancakes aren't a priority, according to Steve and Peggy gets a shock...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part2 of what had to be split last week due to size. Enjoy, and as always you're invited to come chat about these losers any time ;) xo

A few days of piecing together their new venture meant that Peggy and Maria had been spending almost all of their working days together. Not that she minded in the slightest, it was nice sometimes to have female company, and particularly Maria who she was very fond of on a personal level, as well as admiring her work as an Agent.

“I’m just saying mixed dorms, really Peg?” Maria spoke, carefully reapplying her makeup in the ladies room mirror.

“It’s just an idea.”

“Yes, a terrible one. The parents would never allow it.”

It was probably true, she was just thinking about her lunch if she was being honest, Peggy peeing for the millionth time that afternoon.

“So single sex dorms stays, it’s fine, I’m just shooting out ideas here. I do think they need to be painted a nicer colour though.”

“Not a fan of the grey?”

“No, we’re a school, not a prison. Maybe a nice eggshell,” she said from behind her stall as she heard Maria snort.

“Eggshell, listen to you.”

She had only buttoned up her skirt when she felt it, the lurching in her stomach. She had a two second window before she upchucked all over her shoes. Thankfully, her reflexes weren’t total shit and she aimed for the loo.

“Jesus Peg, you okay?” She heard from the other side, but nope, no, not exactly okay.

She got some tissue and wiped her mouth, feeling queasy again.

“No I um, I think … it was the tuna.”

“Ew, yeah, I knew it looked funky.”

She got to her full height and flushed, attempting to steady herself, though she felt weak as anything and very light-headed. When she reappeared Maria saw it in her face and demanded she head back to her flat and that she could handle Howard when he arrived later that evening.

“I’m  sure  you can,” she sassed sadly as she washed her hands. She really did need to lay down.

“Stop–”

“It’s fine, I’m not judging. I’m the last person that will judge you. I’m not saying everyone  else  with a brain won’t judge you, but I won’t, is what I’m saying,” she managed with a smile. “You can just say you're shagging him, you know I won't think less of you.”

At that Maria just rolled her perfectly pretty green eyes and all but shoved her out the door.

“Go home and rest, okay? Take a cab, drink lots of water and call me later?”

“Yes Ma’am. But really who’s the boss of whom here??”

                                                           ***

“Bucky?”

“Mmphn.”

“Buuuck…”

“Sleeping shh.”

“Buuuck- _oomph_ , okay,” Steve stopped mid-sentence because Bucky had hit him over the head with a rogue pillow.

“Go back to sleep, Jesus Christ.”

“Aw, come on, the sun is coming up don’t you wanna see?”

At that he opened one eye, the other squished to his own pillow.

“Are you on something? Did Howard slip you something last night?”

He laughed then. He was wide awake, too awake really.

“Steve I seen enough sun rises, what I don’t got is enough Z’s so, please?”

“You coming with me today?”

“Nope.”

“Aw come on, they’re real nice–”

“To you, Captain, but we lowly peasants don’t get them their PR so they don’t give a fuck.”

“Ok, so they’re assholes, but there’s free food.”

He snorted at that, still squished against his pillow.

“Usually I’d never turn down a free meal, but no, I’m just gonna go explore I think, maybe take in a picture if it rains, wait for you and go to dinner. That was the plan right?”

Steve hummed.

“I think they want me to meet with the president, again. I heard Howard on the phone.”

“I mean it’s always an honour right?” Bucky smiled.

“Of course, I mean, sure, I just… always kinda feel like–”

“A new toy on show?” Bucky offered.

Steve nodded.

“Well, even if he is a Republican, he’s the guy in charge, so go … enjoy it?”

“I guess. There’s a lot of talk on weapons budgets which involves Howard more than me, I guess. I’m just the face of things for photos, again.”

“And that bothers you?” Bucky was fully awake now, though he hadn’t moved.

“Kinda. I mean, being away, being able to just be … me for so long and coming back to Cap duties in nothing but name only, it’s a little jarring.”

At that Bucky scooted over and grabbed Steve by the arm, moving him forcefully so he was eventually cuddled next to him, though facing away. Bucky was the big spoon, hilariously. He wrapped them both in the blankets and waited for Steve’s breathing to even out.

“You’re more than the pretty face of the cause of mad men, Steve. You’re a good man, an amazing soldier and a great lay.” At that Steve laughed. “You don’t got to do this anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, tell them to go fuck themselves.”

“Buck!”

“I mean it; Captain America was a symbol of bullshit during a bullshit time. We fight, we fight for those who can’t, isn’t that what you said? We don’t need any ass kissing in order to do our jobs. Unless it’s literal, and from each other.” He smirked, leaning in and kissing his cheek. “They want their poster boy? Tell ‘im he grew the fuck up.”

“There are tensions – threats of retaliation against Russia, nuclear war Buck. Guatemala is bubbling, not to mention the shit with the North Vietnamese–”

“Stevie…”

“I know you hate this shit, I know, I’m sorry, but I’m involved.”

“That’s what Peggy and your 'lil political rants are for. I’m good for … other stuff.”

At that he squeezed him closer, his fingers dragging up and down his bare belly, his lips to his ear. Steve wanted so badly to get lost in his touch, but he would be late, and that was unthinkable. So, regretfully, he pulled away.

“You’re good for all the stuff, Buck don’t you forget that,” he added before leaning down to kiss him quickly, not letting Bucky get a hold of him or he really would be late.

He got dressed and was halfway out the door when he heard it.

“Love you!” Bucky called from the bedroom. He couldn’t help but smile as he sprinted back in, kissing his guy on the cheek fast as anything.

“Love you, too. Don’t be a bum today, come meet us for lunch at two.”

Bucky grumbled in response but Steve knew he’d be there.

                                                           ********

Peggy picked at her beef stew; she just wasn’t feeling it, instead she was lost in thought, pushing it around her plate.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Maria asked, looking somewhat perplexed. “You’re not usually this quiet.”

“I’m just tired, didn’t sleep much last night.”

“Ah, missing your man?” she asked innocently, but truth was she  was missing him, both of ‘him’. Stories she’d tell her friends about her other half were always stories from both of her men, they had somehow merged into ‘one’ – which everyone who knew her assumed to be James.

“Something like that.”

“You still sick? The flu is goin’ around, plus this weather–”

It was freezing but Peggy loved it. It was a fresh March like the ones she grew up with. Maria wasn’t much for London.

“Queasy mostly.”

“Hm.”

“Hm?”

“Headaches?”

“Not so much.”

“Any bloating?”

At that her head snapped in Maria’s direction, found her smiling.

“I’m not saying you’re fat Peggy I’m just asking. Maybe it’s that time of the month or something, just a few days and some pain meds will bring you back to rights.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. I think it…” and suddenly a cold sweat formed on her neck. “What’s today’s date??”

She pulled out her date book and flipped frantically to the newest page.

It was the 24 th .

Oh.

She wasn’t a regular girl; her life and body clock was too stressed for that, but she should be due her pain in the ass period soon, within the week. Maybe that’s what it was. That’s all that it was. She was fine.

She was just stressed, with traveling and all her responsibilities, that’s all it was.

Of course it wasn’t, but she was remarkably good at lying to herself, which she did, extensively over the next three days. She got shit done, she got a faculty up and running, she called her boys, and she lied. She told them she was great and rapidly turned the conversation toward them as much as possible. And she was, sort of, at least until the fourth morning when she and Maria were mid conversation in her office, and she projectile vomited into a waste bin by her desk.

Wide eyed and embarrassed, Maria informed her she was one of a litter of children and advised her to see the doctor as soon as possible. Peggy knew what it was, she wasn’t a fool, but the idea of confirming it made it too real.

She put off the visit for a whole six hours, before she succumbed to realities, and knocked on that door.

                                                           ******

“I’m just saying there are six … seventeen different types of lube in this house, some of which was brought in from,” Bucky squinted to read the label, “motherfuckin’ ASIA … wait is this the stuff that burns, can we bin this? This was not fun.”

“Seventeen types and what?” Steve continued from the bathroom, cleaning out the tub.

“Right, all of that and we don’t got nothing to make pancakes with, I mean what the hell, Steve.”

Steve just laughed though Bucky couldn’t hear him.

“Well, what that tells you James Barnes is that we have priorities in this house, and it ain’t pancakes.”

He turned the corner and sure enough Bucky was on his knees on the floor, the box that Peggy kept under their bed, the Naughty Box as she adorably called it, was getting a clear out. Sure enough, there were seventeen types of lube, a ton of condoms in no real order or organisation, and some of their more modest toys that they had picked up from far flung places on their travels.

“Well they should be a priority, a small one at least. We need a new pan and maybe a new icebox, and I need some new shirts since Peggy just like dumped all of mine!?” He looked up then, adorably confused. “Some of those had good wear left in them.”

“Some of them you’ve had since before the war, the answer is no, they didn’t.”

At that he got some ‘tastes like real strawberry’ lube fired at his head. Luckily his reflexes were what they were and he caught it as Bucky dubiously eyed him.

“That tasted nothin’ like any strawberry I’ve ever had. And besides, who wants ass to taste like fruit anyway? You’re eating ass, the whole point is that it’s ass it should taste–”

“I get it,” Steve fired back. “What are you looking for anyway, there is no pancake mix in there just so you know.”

“I’m cleaning, Steve. This place is a mess. Still.”

“I think we need to paint it, just give it a whole new fresh coat, maybe downstairs too? Might be a nice surprise for Peg when she gets back.”

“Hm.” He looked around the room, musing. “Could be an idea, can we just go shopping then? We have shit to get and I really want pancakes, and I think Louis’ is open ‘til nine.”

Steve rolled his eyes but agreed.

If it took them four hours and a car full of stuff by the time they got back, with Bucky’s three servings of pancakes ‘to go sweetheart, thanks’, then that’s what it took.

                                                                       *****

“Are you sexually active?” the doctor asked, not looking up from him little clipboard.

Peggy was sitting with zero dignity with her feet in the stirrups, business wide open.

“Not at this second?!” she joked, and it fell flat. She wanted to die. He kept calling her director, it was all very strange.

He merely looked at her through the top of his glasses, unamused.

“Ahem, yes, yes I am.”

“With your … husband?”

Mortified.

Just mortified.

“Ahem, no he’s my boyfriend.”

That got a judgemental ‘hm’.

“Often?”

“Often?”

“How many times a week average, say.”

Oh God… her head hurt.

“Um–”        

“Is he a particularly aggressive lover?”

“Excuse me?”

“There is some tearing, nothing to be concerned about, but you might want to take things a little more … gentler at times.”

Her face was burning. She was going to burst into flames like that Russian guy they tried to capture that one time.

“How many sexual partners?”

She fought the urge to say ‘at once,’ but didn’t because hey, know your audience.

“I really feel fine now, honestly I think it’s just a bug.”

“Oh, it’s a bug alright.” The doc answered before sliding in on his little chair, before leaning in and poking around. Again.

She stiffened with the discomfort. At least when her men did this, they bought her flowers.

“It is?”

“Well more the size of a kidney bean right now I’d imagine, perhaps smaller depending on where you buy your beans.”

Her heart stopped.

“Director, your bloods and my exam are in unison. You’re pregnant.”

Her ears started ringing.

                                               *****

“Look I’m just sayin’ you can go into a store without making the sales girls fall in love with you. I swear that one girl–”

“Shannon–”

“Shannon,” Steve added bitterly, “thought she was either getting a ring or a dick tonight.”

At that Bucky cackled uncontrollably.

“If the world knew your potty mouth, Cap.”

“Oh shut up, you know what I mean.”

“I’m a flirt, always have been, it’s harmless.”

“Does Peg think it’s harmless?”

At that Bucky nudged him like he always did when they walked together; there was a time when he could get Steve off balance. Now, it was more the other way about.

“She call today?” he asked. He had been out all morning at SHIELD HQ, mindless paperwork.

“Yeah this morning, super late her time, but she sounded stressed so we talked,” Steve began as they took the steps to the brownstone, groceries in arms. “She didn’t sound okay, but shrugged me off when I asked, I just hope she’s actually okay.”

They got inside and dumped the bags. Bucky pulled a juice from the fridge and almost downed half of it before he responded.

“She takes on too much. I was thinking, maybe after they get the school up and running, maybe if things calm down, we could all take a real vacation?”

“Yeah?” Steve asked, putting away the perishables. “Where you got in mind?”

“I don’t know somewhere hot with a beach and no phones for like a week. I think she needs it more than us, could do us no real harm.”

“Howard says Europe was our vacation spot.”

“Howard is an asshole.”

“He still thinks it’s weird that I ‘volunteered’ to go with you guys.” Steve shook his head.

“He doesn’t think it’s weird you volunteered to hop into his little science machine of horrors though, but oh no, being on the job with your team. Unthinkable. Like I said he’s an asshole.”

“I thought you two had buried the hatchet?”

Bucky shrugged. “It ebbs and flows.”

“And what about you, I know you say you don’t want to talk about Zola–”

At that the fridge door slammed.

“Drop it, Steve.”

“Bucky, come on.”

“I can’t have this conversation again. I said I’m fine so I’m fine.”

“But you’re clearly not–”

“What do you want me to say? That he’s the one person that I fear in this world because even though it’s fucking irrational and I could actually squish him, what he did to me still haunts me? That I still dream of it? Feel it? What would that help?”

“YOU,” Steve yelled, feeling helpless.

“It doesn’t, trust me. So please. Just, stop?”

At that he stepped passed Steve and headed to the living room, then the stairs.

“Put away the milk before it spoils.”

Steve gave it all of maybe four minutes. He put away the food, tidied a little, giving Bucky a little window of breathing room before he took the stairs two at a time to find his guy sitting on the bed looking out the bedroom window.

“I’m sorry Buck,” Steve began, climbing on the bed behind him, kneeling there to put his chin on his shoulder like a dork. “I am.”

“It’s okay, I just gotta get over it. I know that.”

“No you don’t, I should think before I speak, I just … I just want you to know you CAN talk about it if you want that it’s okay if it bothers you. That’s all. I just want to help.”

At that Bucky reached up and patted the side of his face.

“I know you do, I’m sorry too. I just,” he sighed before turning to Steve then, sliding his legs up on to the bed and laying down, pulling Steve down next to him.

“It’s just I thought I was okay, you know, I thought I was getting over it.”

“We’ll find them … him. We will.”

“That’s what Peggy says, but honestly, the fact he was allowed to work in this country at all after what he’s done to its men … well it’s just another thing on the list of shit Howard Stark does and gets away with.”

“It wasn’t just his choice–”

Bucky side eyed Steve and that shut him up. Before they could argue again Steve moved up to kiss him before moving again to straddle his hips, kissing him deeper, needier, half hoping to distract him, half hoping to make him forget.

“You’re beautiful, Buck,” he murmured, making the other man smirk though his kiss.

“Naw don’t go trying to woo me, Rogers, it won’t work, I’m mad.”

“No you’re not.” He kissed him again. “You’re beautiful, always been beautiful, even with a scowl that scares old ladies, you’ve been so beautiful,” he complimented through kisses. “Cause your soul is beautiful.”

“Oh sweet Christ you’re–”

Steve cut him off with a kiss again.

“Shut up and lemme wax poetic about you for a minute, would you? God, would it kill you to enjoy a little romancing?”

At that Bucky pulled back, a thoroughly amused look on his face at Steve’s exasperation.

“Go on then, romance me,” he stated, pure defiance in his eyes, running his fingers up and down the back of Steve’s neck.

“Well … I can do it as a DARE Buck, Jesus. Just … Lemme just–”

“Nope, you said you wanted to romance me so, go on!”

Steve sighed before grabbing Bucky’s face with his hands and, as Peggy would say, ‘snogging the life out of him’, which only made him laugh.

“Delicate like a flower as always, Stevie.”

Before he got distracted again, Steve made sure to do that thing he liked and scratched his fingernails gently up his neck, into his hair a little, tugged it too; he liked that sometimes. He was still a little apprehensive to push, Bucky’s mood made it so, and he didn’t want to over step. If he was too sad to do anything more than kiss, that’s what Steve would be happy and content with. But then Bucky leaned up, and grabbed Steve’s ass, pulling him closer, and yeah, he could take a hint.

“You remember the very first time we did this?” Bucky asked as Steve made his way to his neck, the space between his shoulder and his collar bone and just kissed and kissed.

“Yeah, I was so scared. Of everything. Of what I felt – how good it felt, of how you made me feel, of everything…”

“Of your Ma coming home from work and catching us. Damn, how old were we again?” he asked. Steve knew he knew, but indulged him anyway.

“Old enough to kiss.”

That made him laugh.

“We must have just kissed for hours,” Bucky mused before kissing Steve back, so like the very first time. Gentle. Sweet.

“An hour and forty three minutes,” Steve confirmed and that made Bucky pull back.

“What? I wasn’t getting kissed, ever, by anyone, damn right I kept track.”

Buck just shook his head, he loved his big nerd of a guy, he really did.

“We can do a lot more than just kiss now though,” Bucky mused as his fingers went to the buttons of Steve’s too-tight plaid button down shirt and started to undo it. “Lots of things, with apparently seventeen types of lube.” He smirked and Steve took that as his A-Okay to just go for it. And he did, whipping off Bucky’s t-shirt, starting in on his belt, his lips touching him everywhere as much as he could.

By the time he had Bucky writhing underneath him, on his knees, hands gripping their sturdy headboard for dear life, he allowed himself to get lost in the pleasure, just enjoying his guy. Enjoying making him moan and pant in the ways that he did, that he could now, still, without getting winded or scared he’d work himself into a stroke. He’d gotten used to his body, but at times it took a little deliberate thinking to get his brain to catch up.

Pressing one large hand down Bucky’s smooth, perfectly muscled back he made sure to kiss it, to pull him back, to pull him into a proper kiss as he fucked him, completely, slowly, making him forget, even for a little while, his horrors.

“I love you, you know that right? I love you so damn much, Bucky.”

Bucky, with his eyes closed, lost in his own feelings merely nodded, the sweat from his brow glistening slightly in the light from the bedside table, “L-love you too, always have.”

                                                                       *****

“Oh Pegs,” Maria stated as she opened the door to what she was sure was a horror show. Her nose was red, her eyes too. She’d been crying for what felt like hours.

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted and Maria merely nodded, welcoming her into her small but sweet apartment. It was a third floor in a nice enough area of SOHO.

“Aw honey, come in and we’ll get you some tea.”

Ten minutes and a cuppa in hand later, Peggy found her voice.

“It’s not that he won’t be happy.” God, she knew Bucky, she knew both of them would be thrilled, so thrilled, too bloody thrilled. “It’s just–” She couldn’t say ‘oh I don’t know who knocked me up,’ because no one could know, so she just wiped her tears again, before sipping her tea. “It’s just a shock that’s all.”

“Bucky seems like a great guy. Howard says he loves kids, acts like one from time to time, but coming from Howard that means nothing,” she smiled, offering Peggy a chocolate biscuit.

“I know, no I know, he’ll be so happy it’s just–”

“Not what you want?”

She sighed then.

“I don’t know what I want. I just always knew that with this job came certain sacrifices, and I thought babies were one of those things. I can’t do this job and be a mother, I just can’t.”

She wasn’t so sure how traditional either of her men were deep down, not when it came to this. Would she just be expected to give up her career and stay at home? She assumed them to be far more open minded than that, but if they weren’t she feared it would break her heart. She had no plans on listening to them if they were to prove themselves ignorant but, still her head was spinning.

“I’m not a mother, Maria, I’m a director, I don’t know how to mother!”

“Aw Peggy, that’s the thing, no one does. No one, not even my mother who had a ton of kids knew at first what she was doing, and she was sixteen when she got married and had her first at seventeen. You, you are amazing and so strong and so scary and wonderful all at once that any kid would be lucky to have you as a mother.”

She tried to smile, she did, and she appreciated Maria’s encouragement. Instead, she let her friend pat her hand from where she sat next to her.

“Besides, this is bullshit, Peggy. I know you’ll be an amazing mother.”

“Oh yeah, how do you figure that?” she sniffled, using her tissue.

“Because,” her friend beamed. “You work with Howard Stark on a daily basis and he’s still alive, so that proves to me that not only do you have the patience of a bloody saint,” she smiled, “but that you can endure all kinds of pain.”

At that Peggy did laugh.

“And at that, Bucky is great, he’s really great, and he’s smart and not a total toolbox like some guys our age. And he’s a modern man, he won’t want you barefoot and pregnant, he knows what kind of woman he’s with.” Peggy nodded in agreement. “Besides, think of it this way, you’ll finally be forced on leave for a little while, and being totally honest here, that’ll be one good looking human you’ll put out into the world, so really, it’s a win-win.”

Peggy laughed again, this time leaning in to hug her friend.

“Thank you, Maria, honestly.”

“This kid is going to be so smart and so amazing and so loved, Peggy – God. So loved. I love it already,” she added with a small pat to Peggy’s belly. “Now, let’s stop this nonsense and go out and get something to eat, hm? There’s a nice café around the corner and I need to eat and I know you haven’t in the midst of your emotional upheaval. So, go into the bathroom and fix your beautiful face, boss, and we’ll go toast on some orange juice to the next generation.”

Peggy wiped her eyes again and hugged her friend, again.

“You’ll make an amazing mother one day, Maria.”

Her friend winked.

“Maybe. One day.”

One day indeed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget you can review if you're liking this! Thank you to those that do you're an inspiration!


	35. So who's the daddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where everybody knows.

She’d had a week to come to terms with how things were, and she’d been to see another doctor in the meantime, something about a panic feeling and needing a second – female – opinion. But yes, she was entirely pregnant, and from what they could gather would be due sometime around Christmas.

She was in a shocked stupor for a day or so. After she’d finally stopped crying and attempted to pull herself together, she’d spent at least twenty minutes looking in the mirror to see if she could see any changes.

She couldn’t. Yet.

She knew before anyone else found out she needed to tell her men, it was only right. Only she wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to do that. It kept her awake the whole plane ride home, she had booked it so she’d be home for their third anniversary together, and she wanted so desperately for this to be a thing they could add to the celebrations, but as her frantic brain kept telling her – it just wasn’t fair to one of them.

Whatever way she looked at it, this was unplanned. They had never really discussed children, not seriously, and not since Steve had come back into their lives. What if they didn’t really want this? What if the one who wasn’t the father felt slighted, felt left out? What would things be like once she got bigger, would they want her? What would happen when the kid arrives, what do they do about their relationship then? Her head was swimming and she so desperately wanted a drink, something stiffer than an orange juice, but had read somewhere that that was probably not the best idea in her ‘current condition’.

By the time she’d gotten a taxi at the airport, and made her way to Brooklyn, the sun was almost rising. She crept inside the house, left her bags in the hall, and shrugged out of her coat. As she made her way silently into the living room she had to smile. There was a giant  ‘Welcome Home Peg! ’ banner hanging by the entrance to the kitchen, done in Steve’s distinct artistic flair, but signed by both of them. She also noticed they’d freshly painted the living room – same shades but just new, crisper, and welcoming. Still smiling, she made her way to the kitchen and found a massive plate of sandwiches – chicken and mustard – covered with foil with a note on top  ‘if you’re hungry’ next to a platter of brownies also covered by foil and a note. This was there was obviously some debate about  ‘treats!’ said the one note, followed by what she knew was Bucky’s handwriting  ‘Steve made these … approach with care’ , and then another, in Steve’s  ‘He’s full of shit they’re amazing!’. She was full on laughing to herself in the empty kitchen by the time she’d finished one sandwich, and attempted a bite or two of the brownies before putting them all back in the fridge. Food could wait – she needed sleep – but the gestures didn’t go unnoticed. Leaving her shoes at the bottom of the stairs she crept up and to their room, not surprised to find their bedroom dark, and both men sound asleep.

That was until Bucky popped open one eye. Always the sniper, she thought.

“Hey,” she said, leaning down to kiss him on the forehead before beginning to undress.

“Safe flight?”

“Safe enough,” she whispered back, Steve didn’t stir. “Glad to be home though.” She shucked out of her skirt and her stockings, undid her blouse, and unpinned her hair quickly in the dawn lit room before climbing into bed, allowing Bucky to scoop her in and wrap her up.

She finally felt like she could exhale the breath she’d been holding for days.

“We’ll talk when I get some shut eye hm?” she appeased, feeling the tension as he obviously waited for her to continue. She instead squeezed his hand and felt him relax around her.

“Of course. Good to have you home, Love.” He kissed her on the head then, smelling her hair like he did when he thought she wasn’t paying attention.

She smiled.

“Good to be home.”

                                                                       ****

She woke up to an empty bed but the distinct smell of bacon. Her stomach rumbled with no shame. She still felt the jet lag creep up on her as she slowly pushed herself into awake. Turning from her position, face planted into her pillow, she took the next few minutes to stretch and think – again – how she was going to break the news. Did she just out and tell them? Did she sit them down? Did she wait?

Part of her wanted to wait, and the other part of her wanted to slap that part of her.

She just hoped to God they took it well, otherwise her already delicate nervousness over the whole thing may just crumple to the ground.

“Look see, there’s too much syrup, Jesus!”

“No such thing man, come on, look it’s perfect.”

“Yeah not for those of us with the taste buds it’s not, Christ, how can you even taste the pancake like this.” Both of them were facing the kitchen windows, busy bickering and making pancakes on the grill. She just stood and took it in, having missed this and them so very much.

“Look, there’s a consistency issue here, there’s a pancake to sticky shit ratio that needs to be followed otherwise you just get soggy pancake and too much sweetness.”

“Okay you’d think first of all this was a five star hotel and we were serving the Queen.”

Bucky chuckled.

“She is our Queen man, I know you really want the title but–” that got him a nudge in the ribs and he nudged back and soon she realised she’d have to step in.

“Something smells good,” she stated with a happy tone.

“HEY!!” Steve was the first to turn this time, and wasted no time in going to her and scooping her up, kissing her, making her laugh. He tasted like sugar. “We didn’t want to wake you; apparently jetlag is a bitch, though I wouldn’t know.”

“Show off,” Bucky groaned before going to her and kissing her quickly, tucking some of her bedhead hair behind her ear. “There’s also bacon, and coffee, and juice, Steve made the pancakes so you know…” He rolled his eyes just as Steve saw it and clocked him on the arm.

“Hey now, they’re good. They’re good, Peg, I swear. Unlike the world’s biggest food judge over here…”

“I’ve missed you both,” she said, taking her plate and a seat at their nook. “Come, sit, and eat with me, huh?”

They nudged each other and she had to laugh. Sometimes they were just such boys.

“So how was the mission?”

“Boring. Admin isn’t really my preference,” she admitted. “But it’s looking positive. We’ve got good people, some of the best really – though some just want their mitts on the tech Stark’s been promising certain departments, but whatever gets the butts in seats,” she mused, biting into her stack and grabbing some of the bacon. “Other than that, same old,” she lied, then they started to tell her about the sale of next door and how they’d know in a couple of weeks if it’s all going to plan.

“I think you should pick out the colours and stuff, maybe,” Steve began. “We tried to pick something for here that you’d like and we argued so much that I think they were gonna throw us out of the store…” he playfully glared at Bucky who just feigned ignorance. “So we just kept it what it was before. So yeah, Peg, if you’d do the honours, I trust your taste.”

“Says the man with none,” Bucky quipped and Steve just kicked him under the table, making him laugh.

This was her in; she took a deep breath, ignored the whirlpool in her tummy, and set down her juice.

“Of course, I’d love to. We’ll make it great, and maybe for one of the bedrooms something in a nice pastel maybe.”

“Really?” Steve asked with a mouthful of food. “Anything you got in mind?”

“Maybe blue? Or um, pink? Or you know, if I’m being honest those two really are binding to a specific gender stereotype that I think we might want to avoid off the bat … but it’s usually the two most traditionally chosen–”

Bucky put down his mug with a thunk. He got it. The look on his face, that look of cautious awe told her he got it. She smiled. Steve, on the other hand was still eating. She wanted to laugh.

“–colours, but lemon is also an option, it might be nice,” she shrugged, Bucky was beaming, and Steve was still chewing.

“I guess, yeah I mean I’m not really sure, they seem kind of like colours you’d use in like a kids bedroom or something, I think maybe we need something–”

At that he looked at her, finally ignoring his plate and he saw the tears in her eyes, forcing him to look rapidly at Bucky, who looked pretty much the same.

“Wait, what? Are … Is …” he looked from her to him and back again, and Peggy burst out laughing. Bucky still hadn’t spoken, but she swore she saw tears.

“Yeah, she is,” Peggy admitted with a giggle, her nerves getting the better of her. “I found out while I was away I’m, yeah. I’m pregnant.”

Both men stood up then, Steve getting to her first and pulling her up for a hug, off her feet to boot. Bucky was less physical, but pulled her in for a hug – just a softer one. She hugged them both back at once. “Oh my God, I was so scared to say it out loud,” she admitted to the crook of their necks before they pulled back.

“Why?” Bucky asked, smoothing down her hair.

“Nerves, I suppose, and I just … it changes everything.”

“Peggy, this is so amazing, we’re going to have a baby!” Steve exclaimed. He was so, so excited. His cheeks were pink, his eyes bright. Bucky too, though he looked quieter, more cautious in his excitement.

“There’s gonna be a baby. When is there gonna be a baby, Peg?” he asked, pacing now. God he was so excited.

“Um, mid-December they said, not totally sure on a due date yet, but yeah.”

“A Christmas baby,  oh my God  Bucky!” Steve slapped him on the arm then and Bucky finally seemed to move out of his stupor.

“Christmas,” he smiled.

“Are you … how do you feel about this?” she asked the darker haired man. He had stuffed his hands in his pockets and withdrew, and compared to Steve’s reaction, it was downright nerve-wracking.

“I’m–” his voice cracked a little then and he quietly cleared his throat in attempt to cover it. Instead he just moved over to where she stood at her seat and sank into a hug, burying his face in her neck and taking a breath. “I’m so happy Peggy. I’ve wanted … I’ve dreamed of … well I’m just so happy is all.” He squeezed her and she closed her eyes too, squeezing him back just as hard, revelling in his touch before opening her eyes at a beaming Steve. She motioned for him to join the hug train, and he did with zero hesitation.

“Everything changes now, and we aren’t in control of how it changes.”

“It’s scary but amazing, Peggy, you’ll be an amazing mom,” Steve offered and it made her cry on the spot.

“Maria knows. She was sort of with me, and she said the same thing. I wish I had your confidence in me, I really do.”

“You do amazing in anything you set your mind to, this will be no different. Besides,” Bucky said then as they pulled back, he looked at Steve. “You aren’t alone in this. We’re a team, aren’t we?”

“Right,” Steve offered, squeezing her hand. It took her a second before she nodded, but she did. She did because in that moment she believed them, because with them she could take on the world, so what was one tiny little person?

“Right, we can do this, I can do … this,” she breathed and they laughed at her self-deprecation, but it was very real this time, not just for laughs.

“Okay, shit. I hate to do this now, but I have to do this now. I have to go,” Steve spoke, his voice laced with regret before he leaned in to kiss Peggy, first on the lips, then on the nose, then on the forehead, making her giggle. “It’s that meeting with the Security Council, aiming to get them to shift around some budget money, and Howard–”

“Wants his pretty boy to charm the suits,” Bucky chimed in, going back to his pancakes. Steve just rolled his eyes.

“To help welcome them,” he finished.

“Maybe I should go–” Peggy began to offer, but then Steve stopped her.

“Nah you’re our backup charm if this don’t work. Stay, eat, sleep even, we gotta start taking better care’a you now, Peg. It’s not just us anymore.”

She rolled her eyes.

“You gonna start in on me already, Cap?”

Bucky chuckled.

“No, no. I’m no, I’m just …saying is all.” He attempted to downplay before grabbing his jacket off the back of the chair.

“Take the car!” Bucky chimed in but Steve just grabbed a slice of toast and stuffed it in his mouth, made it to the door and stalled before backtracking, taking the toast back out and leaning in to kiss Bucky. To which of course Bucky played off.

“Great, now there’s butter everywhere.”

“Yeah love you too, take care of our girl. Peg, take care of our boy. Baby, take care of my people,” he added, aiming to her tummy before he was out the door like a shot. He was so fucking hyper it was beyond amusing to Peggy.

In his wake, Peggy and Bucky were left with only silence, and all the unsaid words that Steve’s hyper happy sort of overshadowed.

“He’s happy. Haven’t seen him this happy in a real long time,” Bucky mused, getting up to refill his coffee mug. “Course, happy Steve tends to be an unrealistic Steve.”

“And you’re the realist now?” she offered, picking at her pancakes.

“Nah, I’m the pessimist maybe, or the optimistic pessimist.”

“Is there such a thing?”

He shrugged.

“I’m tired, Bucky. I think I’m going to just go lay down.” She wanted to escape, escape what she was sure was coming out of his mouth next. She got as far as the living room before he caught up with her, gently grabbing her wrist to stop her from fleeing like she wanted to.

“We need to have this conversation, Peggy.”

“Do we, now? Right now?”

His face softened then.

“Can’t we just, I don’t know, enjoy this for what it is for five minutes before we jump into how it could fuck us up?”

He nodded.

“I’m sorry I just–”

“I know what you just, and I just too, but for right now I’m tired and jet lagged and would very much like to go curl up in bed – with or without you, but I’d like it to be with you?”

He sighed, squeezing her hands reassuringly, “I’m sorry darlin’, I am. Let me just put this stuff away back there and I’ll be up in a minute, hm?”

She merely agreed, suddenly more tired from not having the conversation than having it.

Instead she got into bed, wrapped herself up and forced herself not to think of what she was thinking, what Bucky was thinking, and soon, when he came down from his high, what Steve would be thinking. She must have nodded off quicker than Bucky could get to her because the next thing she knew it was his arms she was waking up in, drowsy and confused. She moved to look at the bedside clock, and yep, they’d slept – or she had anyway – most of the early morning and some of the day away. It was almost three pm.

She snuggled her face into his chest a little, enjoying his heat, his Bucky-smell of that cologne he always wore that she wasn’t even sure what it was meant to be, only that it was his smell, mixed their lux hand soap and a gentle undertone of clean sweat.

“Afternoon,” he spoke, and she looked up and sure enough there he was, wide awake, smiling. He’d been reading while she slept.

“I didn’t mean to sleep so long, sorry.”

“You needed it, clearly. It's fine, besides, Steve called and we’re getting takeout. He’s bringing home a few options, and champagne, because yeah, he’s still giddy.”

She smiled then.

“Bucky–”

“I don’t care,” he confessed. “I don’t. I really don’t care, Peg.”

“But this is what you wanted–”

“And it still is–”

“How can you just–”

“Because it’s  our  kid, all of ours, no matter who’s in there biologically.”

She shifted then, moving to sit up next to him. He’d been reading The Fellowship of the Ring – again.

“I’m scared, Bucky.”

“I know. I can see it in your face that you are, and it’s weird because hey, nothing scares you.”

“Some things do,” she admitted, petting his scruff.

“You can do this, you know. You’ll be an amazing mom.”

“Why do people think this? There is no evidence that I can mother anything, let alone a baby.”

He smiled.

“You’re a caring, loving, sensitive soul, Margaret Carter.”

“Shut up, no I’m not. I know mission protocols and extraction navigations, I know how to talk to governments, and give orders to underlings, and I know those things. I know how to win wars, I know how to talk to military, I know how to be an Agent, be a Director, I do not know how to–”

“So, you learn. You learn like you learned all those amazing, terrifying things you just listed. I mean you didn’t know how to do all that at first, right?”

She nodded.

“So there you are then. You learn to be a mom just like you learned to zip line down a building or crash a car the right way and survive.”

“What if the baby hates me?” She pouted for affect.

He laughed then, pulling her into a hug, messing up her hair without a care.

“Aw Peg, darlin’, stop worrying. The baby will be half of Steve or half of me and half of you, and Steve and I adore you, and that’s our DNA. Our DNA loves you, so the baby will love you.”

Her face was squashed now, into his chest, so she was sounding rather muffled when she spoke.

“You’re so full of shit, Barnes.”

He continued to laugh.

“Not about this I’m not, trust me!”

                                                                       *******

She’d gotten around to calling Angie; she was thrilled – so much that Peggy was sure she had damaged an eardrum from her high-pitched squeal of a reaction. But, it was cute, and it made Peggy smile. She had then told Mr. Jarvis on the car ride to the office the next afternoon, and while his reaction was decidedly more British, he was just as happy for her, assuring her of course that his lips were sealed until she decided that Mr. Stark should be made aware.

But Peggy didn’t want to put it off any longer, she couldn’t, realistically. She was, after all, spending a good chunk of her time now throwing up in the bathroom, much to her eternal chagrin. Why did they call it ‘morning sickness’ when it was ‘all the damn day long sickness?’ So after lunch, and after then seeing her lunch in reverse, she decided enough was enough. He was at home, back from DC for the week, and working from the house. So she called ahead, and made her way uptown by three. His estate was impressive of course, as were most things he decided to spend his hard earned … well, his earned money, on. But it was so big she wondered often what all those rooms were actually used for. She’d ask him, one day, maybe.

“Pegs! Come in, tell me tales of your motherland. Or your fatherland, or really, is it both?” he began after she had let herself in and found him in the kitchen, making a sandwich.

“Mr. Jarvis?”

“Off today, taking Anna for a nice lunch in the city. Come in, you hungry?”

Her stomach groaned but it wasn’t from hunger.

“No, I’m fine, thank you. I’ll take some juice if you have it though?”

He waved at the fridge.

“See for yourself, I never know what he buys.”

So she did, she did and she listened to him bring her up to speed on the budget, and the expansion of SHIELD in DC and how the New York office would fare when everything eventually got moved out there. She dreaded to think of leaving New York. She dreaded that conversation with her boys.

She settled for apple juice and took a seat at his table.

“Howard, I have to tell you something.”

“You don’t like the juice?” he nodded at her drink, but she just smiled.

“No, I’m …” she exhaled. Do it just do it, Carter! “I’m pregnant.”

His mouth fell open, and his eyes widened.

“Well say something for heaven’s sake, it’s not like you to be lost for words,” she added, rushed, self-consciously petting down her hair.

“I …” he closed his mouth then. Before smiling, “Congrats pal, I’m so happy for you.”

He moved over to hug her and she gladly accepted it.

“Really?”

“Yes, really, fool, of course!”

“It wasn’t exactly planned…” she admitted.

“Never is, Peg, never is. Look, you’ll be amazin’ and I’m sure he’ll be great too.”

“Yes I’m sure he will,” she added, playing with the rim of her glass.

They were silent for a few seconds or so before he spoke again.

“So who’s the daddy then?”

Her eyes snapped to meet his.

“Excuse me?”

“Peggy,” he stated as if this was nonsense, as if this was a normal part of the conversation.

“What the hell–”

“Steve comes in, giddy happy, beaming even, asking me if I have nephews or nieces, never mind the fact that I’m an only child – asking all the ladies if they had kids, and then you come and tell me this today. Oh, that, and I totally know you three have some weird kind of  thing going on that I don’t fully know the details of, but I know it’s happening.”

Her eyes were wide and she stood up, seconds away from reading him the riot act.

“How da–”

“Peggy, relax.” He yanked her back down into her seat again and she went, but only just. “Look I get it, kind of. I mean he and Barnes have this whole like, soulmates thing going on and you and he are special and you and Barnes – though I’ll never understand THAT, but you are clearly lifers so... The heart wants what it wants. I’m not judging you; I’m the last person that will judge you.”

She was reminded of the same words she’d said to Maria about him when he spoke them back to her.

She took a breath. Took a seat and stayed silent for what felt like forever before she spoke.

“Look it’s not … it’s not some weird thing, I mean it’s not …” she sighed, unsure of her words for the first time, maybe ever. “It’s real, what we have, it’s not some kink or experiment, or flight of fancy.” She sat straighter then, her head held high, “We love each other, all three of us.”

Her heart was beating so fast she thought she was going to throw up, though that could have just been the baby.

Howard nodded.

“You know, I suspected that Steve and Barnes had a thing, you know, when he broke all rules and protocols and stormed a Hydra base just to find this guy. I thought, hey maybe they just fuck? Maybe Barnes is just a great lay and that’s where it ends. But, over time, it was obvious they had something else too, whatever. Love or whatever,” He waved off. “And I was worried when you got with Barnes, I thought, no, he’s gonna use her and break her heart and that’s just not fair to her…” he downed his drink. “But you’re big girl, and you seemed to know what you were doing so I said nothing…”

“Howard–”

“You’re like family to me Peg, okay? You’re like the little sister I never got,” he smiled. “So yeah, I worried. But he proved himself, he proved himself a lot. But then Steve comes back and yeah, the worry starts again because hell a blind man can see how they look at each other, Peg.”

She sighed then, knowing he was right.

“And look, it’s not as if I haven’t you know, um, sampled, in that … area before. I get it, there is a certain appeal, and … Steve is … you know…”

“Appealing?” she suppressed a smile.

“ _Whatever_ ,” he blushed, “my point is, I didn’t want to see you get hurt by either of them, no matter how noble their intentions; if they were fucking without your say so, then it was a no-no.”

She nodded.

“But then, I don’t know, he was clearly gone on you too, then I thought,” he got up to pace, “that you were screwing around on Barnes. But then realised you’d never do that, though he might–”

“He wouldn’t,” she defended.

“Whatever, so then, fine, I thought maybe they’re all just weirdo close, you know, like, it’s some odd Catholic thing I’ll never understand, some kinda brothers bond or strange abstinence thing.”

She laughed then, he had clearly thought about this a lot.

“What gave it away?”

He sat then, exasperated.

“That morning I went to pick something up, he hadn’t been back long and well, you all looked suspicious as all _hell_ … and his shoes were by your bed.” He shrugged. “I think I always knew, I just didn’t really want to admit that I did.”

She wanted to sigh, because of course it would be something stupidly small and seemingly insignificant.

“I need to know, I need to know–”

“Peggy, I would never–”

“It’s illegal, Howard, extremely. And please, if word got out that Captain bloody America had a _boyfriend_? Had a boyfriend AND a girlfriend? There’d be war all over again. And not to mention prison, and shame and–” her heart was beating fast, too fast, her head felt light. “I just need to know that I have your word.”

“Peggy, always, I would never do anything that would ever put you in danger. I promise, my God.”

He had grabbed her hands then, their seats facing each other at the table, and she nodded slowly.

“Can you get me another drink of this? My head feels funny.”

He got up without complain and did so, setting it down in front of her gently.

“You’re the first person outside of the three of us who knows … about us.”

His eyes widened.

“Really? Damn, I thought for sure that girl … Angie? I thought for sure she knew.”

“Why do you say that?”

He shrugged.

“Nah nothing just some things she’d said in passing at the party is all, but again, I was hitting on her and very drunk, but I always remember thinking maybe she knew what I suspected. But then there was gin … so.”

“She never said anything to me…”

“Well no, of course not. Anyway it’s no big deal I didn’t say anything to confirm my thoughts or deny them, I was, at the time, trying to get into her pants and worrying less of where you were losing yours.”

At that she slapped his arm, making him smile.

“Naw come on Peg, it’s a joke. Besides, my original question still stands, who’s the daddy?”

She blushed at that, reaching for her drink.

“Oh my God you little hussy you don’t know do you?!” He was gossiping like a teenager and she wanted to scowl but couldn’t. Instead, she smiled.

“Oh _shush_.”

“Oh shush nothing, oh my God is it like a complete orgy over at your place, or what?”

At that her eyes widened.

“Oh please, as if you’re getting any details for your forbidden little spank bank, Howard! My lips are sealed,” she sassed and he laughed.

“Yeah, I’ll bet that’s not a phrase that’s uttered to your boys very often though huh?”

At that she really did slap him harder, causing him to move back, faking pain.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, excuse me I’m sorry, I’m just curious!”

“You know what it did to the cat.”

“I’m smarter than a cat…”

“And it has nothing at all to do with the idea of imagining what Steve and Bucky look like when they’re together?”

When his mouth fell agape she really did cackle.

“Sorry, couldn’t help it. For the record, it’s a thing of beauty.”

“You’re a horrible person Peg,” he whispered, shaking his head.

“Yeah-yeah, more importantly, I can tell Bucky he was right,” she beamed wickedly. “He’ll just love that.”

At that Howard face planted on the table. All in all, as far as secrets went, she was glad this was one she could finally be open about, if only to one other person.

                                                           *******

“I look like a bloody whale, I can’t do this!” she fought with her reflection as Steve just sat on the bed, looking perplexed.

“Peggy you look ador–”

“Do not say adorable.”

“Ad– ok no I can’t think of anything to save myself, but you do!” he reasoned, standing behind her. She was in a bathing suit, it was late July, and she was just about six months gone.

And pissed off.

“I’m huge, I look like a beach ball and I refuse to go out in public like this.”

“It’s the beach, and it’s the beach house, so it’s super private … no one cares.”

“I care!” she wanted to cry, irrational as it was. Her body was changing and she thought it fun at first, her boobs got even bigger and her bump stayed marginally small, she could get away with her old clothes just a zipper down or a button or two undone, but then right at the start of her fifth month, it was as if she’d expanded three sizes overnight. Nothing fit and she simply refused to be like those other women running around in what amounted to sacks of shame. Her one piece was simple, strapless and black – any attempt at slimming – with a ruffle of white along the bust and back. She still looked horrific.

_“Oh hello!”_ came the voice from the doorway, and sure enough Bucky was stood with a big old grin.

“Stop it now, this isn’t happening.”

“Babe, look at your boobs, this is happening. Is that new?” he came closer, standing next to Steve in their bedroom by the bed.

“Exactly, look at them, they are monstrous.”

He looked genuinely affronted.

“Do not speak ill of the girls, they are much loved and appreciated.” He sassed and she rolled her eyes.

“I’m just going to keep my dress on, no need for another whale in the water.” She decided before walking into the closet, and stripping off away from preying eyes.

“Peg, come on, I thought you were doing okay,” Bucky offered from afar, and she snorted.

“I was until the kid decided to expand overnight. I don’t do well with shocking changes, you know that. I swear I wasn’t this big yesterday.”

“The book says,” Steve began and she heard Bucky sigh, one that matched her own. Steve was fucking obsessed with ‘the book’, “that the fetus can turn or move at this point meaning that you haven’t really gained any more weight than usual, it’s just in a different pos– Ow what was that for, Bucky?” She heard as she slipped into her only fitting sundress, one that was navy with red flowers, she couldn’t help but smile. They had been careful not to draw attention to the fact that she was putting on weight, to the point of being too careful and thus hilarious; she was thankful though. She had heard horror stories of husbands who simply weren’t attracted to their wives when they got pregnant, preferring to look and not touch until she was ‘back to herself’ again. She hated those pregnancy classes, the women of the Upper East Side and Peggy had very little in common.  

When she was dressed and she had pulled her rapidly lengthening hair to one side, she came out. They were both sitting at the foot of the bed, looking like two dorks.

God she loved them so much.

And then, then she started to cry.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what this is!” she argued, but moved to them, and in between them. “I love you both so much and I love that you love me even though I’m fat!” she sobbed and she heard Bucky laugh before he allowed her to pull him into the awkward three person hug she was apparently adamant that was happening.

“You’re not fat!” they said in unison, but they were being squashed by her massive pregnancy breasts so it sort of sounded more like ‘Yo’ naw’ flat’, either way she just kept on crying, because hey, it was a Thursday.

                                                                       ****

They had spent the weekend at the beach house. It was meant to be relaxing and calming, for her, for the baby, for everyone really.

Except it was probably the complete opposite. Because it wasn’t just them, it was Howard and Maria – who were shamelessly ‘dating’. Though Maria had let it slip she was at this point just using him for sex – even though Peggy saw right through her and knew Maria found the most idiotic genius Peggy knew to be on the top of Maria’s crush list, and her on his, but it was none of her business, so she nodded and agreed that it was the right thing for them if it felt right. Then there was Jeb Stane and his current piece, a poor girl attempting to break into modelling named Julie who hailed from Tennessee. Far too sweet for an oaf like Stane, but again, Peggy said nothing. But with her men walking around like the Adonis and the ladies of the group looking like movie stars, Peggy felt more self-conscious than ever, and just hated it. So she kept to the shade for the first while, citing caution rather than self-pity as her reasoning.

And then there was a surprise visitor. Howard had joked that Peggy needed a playmate, since Anna and Edwin were off to see his sister in England, she had no one to really converse with. Howard seemed to ignore her men in this equation, because hey, apparently they didn’t talk. Regardless, the start of the second of the four days there, and up she popped. Bag and baggage, Angie appeared in a cab from the airport while all the others were down at the beach, and she had faked tiredness to get out of it. Angie had been in Los Angeles trying her luck since that April, and had apparently decided to come home – on Stark’s dime.

“Oh Peggy you look so cute–” she cooed, touching her bump – one of the only people that could do it and not lose a hand, Peggy thought. “So adorable, you’re glowing.”

“That would be the throwing up, or the sweating, or both,” she deadpanned. Angie shook her head and hugged her again.

“What are you doing here though, not that I’m not entirely ecstatic to see you–”

She sighed.

“Hollywood was a bust. It’s not what you know it’s who you know and I don’t know anyone, so I’m back. Howard called, said there was this thing, and realised where he had in fact been patched through to me. Bought me a ticket, and here I am. He even offered me my old job back.”

“Aw Ang…” she sympathised, petting her friend on the arm. “You know they’re always asking Steve to do more movies. He hates the idea, but he knows a lot of people from out there, same with Stark. I mean there probably isn’t an actress today that hasn’t fell for his silly charms, so he knows a lot of their managers.”

She shook her head while swallowing her iced-tea.

“No, I’m a stubborn girl, English, you know that, I want to–”

“You want to make it on your own, yes, I know,” she smiled. “It’s very admirable, it really is, but darling, honestly, you don’t have to do it all alone. We’re here for you, if you need us.”

Her friend smiled at that, “Thank you, I’ve missed you, and I’ve missed so much too,” she nodded to the bump. And, yes, she had. Peggy had called when she was telling everyone but at the time Angie was with a travelling play, stuck somewhere in Idaho and then she was off in LA, so they hadn’t really touched base since then.

“So tell me, do we have any names in mind for my Godchild yet?” she grinned.

                                               *******

“He’s an asshole, Stark. Why you gotta hang around with so many assholes?” Bucky began as the other man walked up beside him where he was manning the barbeque.

“You including yourself in this Barnes, because I gotta say you should. He’s a work colleague, a partner–”

“In crime–” Bucky mouthed, causing Howard to roll his eyes.

“Oh stop acting like that, he’s been nothing but nice to you and Steve, AND Peggy.”

“Well yeah, because last time he was in a room with Peggy she laid him out cold, he’s not  stupid ,” Bucky grinned, flipping a burger onto Starks plate. “And everyone kisses Steve’s ass, so.” Bucky shrugged and Howard just chuckled.

“No one more so than you,” that got him a side eye from Bucky and he shrugged, having the sense to look slightly ashamed, “Sorry, sorry, I get it.”

“You told Peggy–” Bucky began, his tone hard.

“Barnes, on my mother’s grave I haven’t told a soul.”

They looked out at the others, all distracted in various stages of conversation.

“Not even your girl?”

“No, not even her, no one, I swore, and I swear, your secret is safe with me.”

“What secret is that?” Peggy asked, startling the two men, and even six months pregnant she could still sneak up on them like no one else.

“JESUS PEGGY!” Howard exclaimed, holding onto his plate for dear life.

“Oh hey Angie!” Steve called from behind Bucky, and yeah, sure enough there she was coming down the steps from the house onto the beach. Bucky sighed. Great, another one.

“Hey, Angie…” he offered, going back to his burgers as Peggy leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

“Play nice,” she whispered, before patting his cheek.

“I’m always nice.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Hey everyone, sorry if this is crashing!” Angie began, standing there all pretty and tanned and thin, in a white dress and a matching sun hat that could probably block out the sun, Peggy mused.

“Hmph,” Bucky grunted, but the sizzle of the fire drowned him out.

“No not at all, come and get a drink, Steve! Get the girl a drink will you?!” Howard demanded and Steve complied happily. Peggy smiled and Bucky continued to look like someone kicked his grandmother down the stairs.

The joys of relationships, she thought, patting her bump as the baby kicked and kicked.

                                                           ****

“You know, the first time this happened it scared me. I thought there was something wrong,” she confided in Steve as she lay with him on the big bed, intended for only her and Bucky. She had gone to take a nap after dinner, and he had come an hour or so later to check on her. He was officially making a phone call in the office, if anyone asked. He had his hand on her bump, right where the kid was playing ball.

“Yeah? Remember Buck’s face first time he felt it when we were having sex?”

She giggled.

“He got so freaked out he stopped and walked out of the room, leaving me hanging, might I add.”

Steve laughed too, she loved his laugh.

“Idiot.”

“He can be,” she agreed.

“Especially where Angie is concerned, you know she knows he hates her? It makes her really uncomfortable.” She reached up to smooth out the crease of worry that lived between his eyebrows.

“I know, I keep saying, be nice, I keep telling her she’s imagining it, but I don’t even know anymore.”

“It’s a thing.”

“It is.”

“He was always jealous, even of you.” Steve said. The baby had settled a little, so his hand had strayed to her hand.

“Oh I know, it was one of the first things we ever talked about, he and I … after,” she shrugged. “I was jealous of him, he was jealous of me; it was all _very_ childish, really.”

“It’s a hell of a confidence boost though,” Steve beamed. “Two amazing people, hot as hell… wanting me. It … well, it wasn’t the norm, and you know that.”

“Him wanting you was,” she squeezed, “and me, well, _before_ , too, I did.”

He blushed.

“You say that but it wouldn’t have been much fun with me then, I could hardly have done with you what we do now without passing out or having an attack…”

“I would have gone  _ very  _ slowly,” she attempted to seduce him, but God she was so tired. Instead, she leaned in to kiss him, letting him caress her neck, her boobs (he was always so gentle now, even more so than before), as she stroked her fingers through his hair. He was letting it grow again, a little longer, more swoop, Bucky said. That teamed with his perfectly groomed beard, now he looked so unlike the boy she met so long ago.

“Peg…?”

“Hm?” she asked, pulling back, not wanting to open her eyes.

“If … if the baby is mine,” he exhaled before speaking again. “I’m scared, if the baby is mine.”

Her furrowed brows made him continue.

“I just, I keep reading about all this stuff, you know, and there’s all these conflicting things … but genetics, right? I mean, if the baby is mine, it won’t be strong like me now, it’ll be … my genes, and my genes before were sickly ones, Peg.” She squeezed his hand then, burrowing closer to him, both of them still side by side.

“Listen to me, everything is going to be alright, I promise you.”

“Peggy–”

“No, it is, because even if your part was sickly, mine isn’t, and hey, nature does some amazing things, and science can do even more. Our baby is going to be just fine,” She attempted to reassure him. She had done the math, and really if they had too they’d know, but as it stood she didn’t want to bring it up, to disappoint either man, she was stressed enough as it was.

“I wasn’t just small, okay? I was sick, really sick, Peggy–”

“I know, I’ve read the–”

“Reading it isn’t the same as living it! And I wouldn’t wish that on any kid, least of all ours!” he was panicking then, she saw it in his face. He had kept in for so long, she realised. While Bucky had had his freak out early on, Steve did what Steve does, and he kept it bottled up. She wanted to kick herself.

“Darling, oh no, shush, come here, come on.” She pulled him into a hug, making him the biggest little spoon she could make, petting his hair and doing her best to calm his breathing. “Listen, we’ll cross that bridge IF we come to it. Please stop worrying, Steve.”

“There were times I’d get so bad, I wished to God to kill me,” he confessed quietly. “My ma, the neighbours, Bucky’s folks, and him, all of them watching over me at times, all with that same look on their faces, fear.” He sighed. “I hated it. I hated feelin’ so useless, so much of a burden. Couldn’t hardly breathe, couldn’t hardly walk and when I did it was bad, couldn’t hear right, got everything like a flytrap, my system was so bad.”

It explained so much of his personality post-serum, she knew that. In fact, reading the files had given her a good idea of what he had faced, but living with Bucky Barnes had given her even more.

“I am sorry you had to go through that, Steve. You deserved more.”

“And I got more,” he looked up to her then, before kissing her sweetly. “I just worry is all, and I won’t stop until we know, one way or another, that’s just who I am,” he shrugged, and yeah, she knew, of course she knew.

She kissed him on the forehead, at a loss for words for maybe the first time ever.

                                                                       *****

He was finishing up the dishes, even though Howard had chided him, saying that it was fine to leave it, that the cook didn’t clean; he needed something to do. His people were off without him, and it left him with ones he didn’t particularly care for. So, faking busy was always a good way of getting out of conversations you didn’t want to be in. That is until little miss nosy came floating into the kitchen.

“You need a hand?” she asked, glass of wine in one of hers.

“Nah, I’m good thanks, you should get back to the living room, probably more interesting than in here.”

She laughed then, but there was a bitter tone to it.

“You really don’t like me, do you?”

She had come to take a seat at the island, beside the sink where he stood with hands deep in suds.

“I like you just fine, Angie.”

“No, you really don’t. And I don’t really get why; I’ve never done anything to you to make you so mad at me.”

He just kept on washing.

“Why don’t you like me, Bucky?”

He sighed.

“Oh for goodness sakes, is this some kind of actor thing? An incessant need to be liked by everyone? If it is, you may wanna see a shrink, sweetheart. I said I like you just fine.”

“See there you go, you’re mad at me! Mad at me for something and I don’t know what! I’m an actor, I know all about tone and intent,” she all but cried. He could tell she was having a hard time keeping herself at a normal decibel.

“I’m not mad at you–”

“Oh my God, just be a man and admit it, we’re both grown enough, Bucky,” she snapped, and damn he’d never seen this side of her before.

She swigged at her wine before slamming the glass on the counter top.

“Well?”

“I think you should go back inside before either of us says something–”

“That’s the point, I _want_ you to say something, say it! Because we both know why you hate me, you’re just too scared to say it out loud.”

At that he dropped the last plate onto the drying board with a crack. She jumped. He looked to the other room to make sure there were no prying ears.

“Stop this now, you understand? I don’t know what you think you know, but it’s bullshit. So whatever little fantasy you got cooked up in your overdramatic little head. Stop it now.”

She looked scared of him and he hated himself for it, but the last thing he needed was some drunk broad outing everything to the people in the other room and shooting his life to hell.

He’d done and said worse to protect his life with Steve before.

At that tears pooled in her eyes and she screwed up her face before speaking.

“You’re a real asshole you know that? I don’t know what either of them sees in you!” and with that she all but ran outside, slamming the door behind her. Leaving him feeling, indeed, like the asshole he was.

A second later a much-too-happy-for-his-current-mood Steve and Peggy came walking down the hallways from the bedrooms, but they stopped short when they saw the look on his face.

“Oh God, what happened now?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, um, we got a problem.” He admitted, trying to think of a way out of this one.

                                                                       ***

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well. You know, for spies, they kinda suck at keeping secrets don't they? lol!
> 
> As of right now this is all I have written and my inspo has taken a bit of a hit this past while, so I'm not entirely sure when the next update will be, but I do hope that it's soon! 
> 
> Thoughts/reviews/questions/squee is as always welcome IF anyone is still reading this which I have no idea ...   
>  xo


	36. Rumour Has It...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bearding was a thing in the 1950s, right? ;)

Peggy took two wraps from the sofa in the kitchen, leaving a shame-faced Bucky with a stone-faced Steve to whisper fight their way to a resolution, while she did the decent thing and checked on her friend. She found her, crying by the water, in one of the three deck chairs still out there.

Without a word she wrapped her in the blanket and took a seat next to her.

They didn’t speak for a few minutes; Peggy knew this wasn’t her lead. If Angie had something to say, she’d say it in her own time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say what I said, to cause fuss…” she whispered, wiping her eyes.

Peggy nodded.

“But what you did say was rather … shocking.” It was the right word really.

“I know I … he just infuriates me, nothing I do or say can make him like me and … and I don’t know why.”

Peggy knew, but she wasn’t going to say it.

“What you said–”

Angie looked at her then, clear eyed and lip quivering.

“I …  see  how they are, both of them, with each other... and I know it’s not my place Peggy–”

She took a silent deep breath for what was to come. With Howard she knew she was safe, with Angie, less so. 

Her job wasn’t to keep secrets like theirs was.

“And besides, my brother is queer – it’s why my folks don’t speak to him anymore and why I only do when they don’t know.”

The hair on the back of her neck bristled. God, if one of her dearest friends was intolerant of other’s lives like this, she would have to re-evaluate everything.

“Angie–”

“I see how much they love you though, anyone could. Spend enough time with them and it’s plain as the noses on their faces. Those men, they adore you, but … you … I couldn’t figure it out. I thought maybe you were having an affair–”

_ Charming _ .

“Or maybe he was.” By the bitter tone of her ‘he’ she knew she meant Bucky. “But Steve is just stupid in love with both of you, he never shuts up about you both. Makes it kinda hard for a single girl to get a hook in,” she laughed, and then wiped her eyes with the side of the blanket. “Wasn’t ‘til I went to LA that it fell into place, I met this couple … they had a boyfriend,  _ both  _ of them, and well, it was like a light bulb you know?”

The baby kicked and Peggy wanted to say,  yeah, me too kid.

There was no use in denying it, not that Peggy had the strength just then.

“Besides that, the press talks about Steve being single all the time. The stuff they write is downright awful sometimes, but if they could only see how he–”

“Are you planning on telling them?” She had to ask, and she hadn’t meant to sound so emotional when she did. Angie looked to her then, wide eyes full of tears, mouth in a perfect ‘O’.

“Peggy no! Never! I would never! Oh my God … do you think I would? I would NEVER!”

“Because if you do, we could all go to  jail  Angie, and I’m not guilt tripping you here but it’s the truth and I need to  know  that I can trust you.”

“Peggy!”

“Because this world is screwed up, Angie, and we know that more than most, what we’ve all given, what we continue to give, and for this to get out, it would finish us they’d jail them in a second and they’d strip Steve of anything he’s earned – with his life, Angie,” she was silently allowing her tears to fall then, because it was a very real fear, a very real one indeed. “And Bucky too, they’d take everything he’s earned with the war, with SHIELD, and he’d be thrown in a cell and disgraced and I–”

At that Angie moved to her knees by Peggy’s side, grasping her hands in hers.

“Peg no. I  promise .”

Peggy nodded, hoping she could trust her gut with one of her favourite people.

“It’s weird. I won’t lie, I don’t fully get it, but it’s not my relationship so … besides, maybe I’m just jealous huh? You got two hunky guys and this girl can’t even get one.”

Peggy laughed then, wiping her tears.

“You can get  anyone  you want, you know it too, you’re just smart and choosey that’s all.”

“Smart an’ very single, it doesn’t really fly with my mom. She wants it all. She wants me working and a wife and a mother, and I keep sayin’ I don’t know when any of that is gonna come true for her, or me.” She hated seeing her friend sad, instead she put her fingers under her chin and pulled her in, she kissed her softly once on the lips, then one cheek, then the other. Her friend pulled back, perplexed.

“Thank you, Angie. For … being a decent human being?” she attempted with a laugh, though it fell short through her tears.

“Come on, English, your secret’s safe with me, I swear on my Grandmother’s grave.”

“Your grandmother lives in Chicago…” Peggy pointed out.

“Nah, the other one she’s been dead decades.”

Oh.

***

“Why don’t we put a Goddamn ad in the paper then huh? Why don’t we just  advertise  this to everyone? Isn’t that what’s happening here?!”

“Would you just lower your damn voice?!” Steve asked, attempting to usher him further into the suite. “That isn’t what’s happening here.”

“Isn’t it? First Stark and God knows who he’s told, and now!? Now!? Little Miss Hollywood. You think she’s not gonna shop this around? Get the biggest bang out of us for her buck?”

“STOP!” Steve yelled, crossing the room and putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “Just … stop.”

“I know you wanna think the best of her Stevie but this is our lives!!”

“You think I don’t know that?!”

“I think you want to see the good in everyone but so help me if she fucks with this.”

He was livid, beyond anything Steve could remember seeing in a really, really long time. If he was totally honest, it made his blood run cold. Steve grabbed him by the shoulders again this time leading him to the couch by the bed.

“You hate that girl, and she’s done nothing on you. Nothing, Buck. She’s Peg’s friend, she’s a decent person, she’s sweet and genuine.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Well why don’t you just marry her then, huh?”

Steve ran his hands through his hair out of sheer frustration.

“Oh my God.”

“Oh, don’t even Steve–”

“That’s what this is? Look, I get it, you’re a jealous person. It … it’s part of you, I get it. I’ve known you long enough by now, I  get  it! But for God sakes, Bucky.” 

The other man had the sense to look abashed as he took a seat.

“Have I ever given you reason to think that I wanted anyone else? Anything else than what we got?” Steve asked, and the dark haired man shook his head. “Answer me, Bucky.”

“No.”

“No, so what the hell? Either this stops now, or I swear to God… You can’t keep this up man, you just can’t.”

Bucky bit his lip then, running his own hands through his hair.

“I get it. You think I didn’t spend half our lives waiting … waiting for someone to come along and take you away? I did, a long time,” Steve admitted bitterly. “I just accepted it because I wasn’t blind, I got that too, you know? It’s why I didn’t care who you screwed before us, I just didn’t because I knew they didn’t mean to you what I did … but damn if I didn’t know that someday a girl would show up and you’d just be like, well, this is it. And you’d stop lookin’ at me like you did and start looking at her that way.”

“So when I say I get the jealousy thing, Bucky, I ain’t lying. But I’m not gonna do that, Peggy isn’t either.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky sniffled, wiping tears that had fallen without his permission. “I just look at her and all I see is your normal life, your out, your … chance at–”

“Stop.”

“But you  deserve –”

“I deserve to be with the people I love… My family. You’re my family you idiot, and whatever Angie is, she’ll never be that.”

He nodded in acceptance.

“I’m sorry–”

“Not me you need to be saying that to.”

He wanted to groan, but he knew that Steve was right.

As both men stood up, Steve opened the door to find Peggy and Angie, arm in arm, standing there about to enter.

“Oh good, there you are,” Peggy said softly, leaning up to kiss Steve on the cheek. He fought the blush in front of the other woman. “We uh,” she looked to the blonde. “We have a proposition for you,” Peggy went on, pushing Steve back inside, and Angie followed her as Peggy still held her hand.

Bucky was confused, what exactly was going on now? Whatever it was, from the bashful look on the blonde’s face, he was sure he wasn’t going to like it.

Not one little bit.

*****

“Wait what? Are you pimping me out?” Steve asked with a laugh as Peggy went over the plan one more time. Bucky hated the plan. He was pretty sure the plan was the stupidest thing he’d heard since that story about Steve and the grenade. He poured himself another scotch. Bless Stark’s alcoholic ways, providing liquor in all the guest rooms.

“No, not at all, it’s not real. Like I said, Steve, we got to talking–”

“And somehow decided to pimp Steve out to Angie,” Bucky added, raising his glass to Steve. “Told you,” he said to Steve who just scowled at him and looked to Peggy.

“Pegs, have you been drinking?”

She pointed to her belly and then sat down in the arm chair by the window.

“One, no don’t be silly, and two, this isn’t such a crazy idea.”

“Where does Stark think we all are right now?” Bucky asked, not really giving a shit about the plan.

“He’s six sheets to the wind I don’t really think any of them even noticed. I’m pretty sure Stane was ready to pass out, his girl is already gone to bed.” Angie offered with a shrug. She was leaning against the door, legs crossed over one another, and arms too.

“It’s three sheets.” Dick move, Barnes. But she just smiled.

“Yeah he passed that about two hours ago, pretty sure it’s six  now ,” she smiled, a sarcastic smile. He raised his glass to her then, and downed his … seventh shot?

“Look, Steve, we got to talking and you know you have a public imagine to keep up, we all do in a way, though you are a celebrity–”

“Peggy, I don’t do that anymore.”

“No I know, Darling, but they still write; they still pay attention, even if we don’t.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, there are rumours, ones that the SHIELD public relations office often keep nailed down before any stories can get legs.”

What kind of stories, Bucky wondered.

“Like what?” Steve asked, insulted, but blushing.

“Like you’re a handsome, eligible, bachelor who’s you know, a super serum-ed soldier, and a war hero and basically the catch of the whole country, and yet you live with your best guy friend and his girl, who happens to be your ex girl. People aren’t stupid, Steve.”

Now his ears were pink. Bucky looked and found another glass, and then another, filling them up. He offered one to Steve, and then to Angie, which he was surprised she took, surprised still that she almost downed it.

Damn, girl.

“Tell me again what exactly–”

“It’s fake, basically. You’re seen with Angie on all kinds of adorable dates, being all kinds of straight and what have you,” Peggy waved her hands, pacing. Sometimes the bump got touched, other times it was pure Director Carter in the room. “The press accidentally just happen to find all this out, and get pictures. And maybe you finally start accepting those invites to premières and such you keep getting in the mail that you think we don’t know about…” she half scowled. “You go out, you have fun, you protect the image that Washington has been wanting since day one, and everyone wins.”

“What does she get out of this again?” Bucky asked, on shot nine. He missed being able to get shit faced. 

He barely felt buzzed. 

He moved to raid the liquor table then, mixing his drinks rapidly. There was some clear stuff that looked like rum in a tiny bottle that didn’t look like any alcohol he knew but it didn’t matter, he dumped it into his vodka. Oops. Oh well.

“She–” Angie began, this time walking toward where Bucky sat, and refilled her drink. “Gets her name in the paper, her face out there. The added benefits of some press means that when I walk into an audition people will have heard of me.”

“Don’t mean you’re any good though,” Bucky added, and she narrowed his eyes at him, “No offense.”

“Right because you care so much about offending me.”

“James–” he heard Peggy say as she took a seat again, this time next to Steve.

“So you’re his beard, basically,” Bucky asked and she nodded.

He looked to Steve, who shockingly looked fine; he was nodding, he was almost smiling.

“You’re not seriously considering this?”

“I am.”

“Why?!”

“For all the reasons Peggy said, I know people whisper, Buck. People been whispering about me my whole life, ‘cept now it’s on a world scale. I have a responsibility to–”

“Lie to the world, of course, of course.”

“No. I know you think that Captain America is bullshit, and maybe it is, but it’s a part of me now, I took on that responsibility when I took up the shield.”

“And you fought the war and gave your life, you did your JOB Stevie,  it’s done .”

It’s never over, it’s what Peggy had said once. And maybe she was right.

“I know, but … I can’t. That’s not who I am. Giving up, giving in, it’s never been who I am, costume or no costume. It’s part of me now, and I owe it to myself to … live up to people’s expectations.”

“ Why ?”

“Why?”

“Yes, why? Why do you care? Wasn’t dying once enough for them? Wasn’t sacrificing everything once not enough? The idea of–” They had this fight a lot, and he never listened. Why Bucky was surprised anymore was anyone’s guess.

“Angie is my friend, Buck, that’s it. It’s not real,” he looked to her and she nodded.

“He’s cute and all, but other people’s fella’s never been my style.” She downed her drink.

Steve nodded. “She’s my friend, and Peggy–”

“I only bring this up as a suggestion, darling. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Is this how you got him into that chair, huh Peg?” Bucky changed targets then, his head was spinning. 

At that Peggy looked hurt.

“Don’t start that again, Buck,” Steve warned.

“How  dare  you, you’re really on a roll tonight aren’t you, James. Just out to bloody insult everyone, or just those of us who dare touch  your Steve.”

Steve grabbed her hand at that, attempting to comfort her. She looked overly tired and their guy’s mood wasn’t helping.

“I’m the asshole, you’re the one  pimping  him out to a  stranger,  and I’m the asshole. Just fucking wonderful,” he sounded out, standing up wobbly. “You know what, do whatever the hell you all want, I don’t care anymore. I’m over it, you wanna make an ass out of yourself making a show with some actress trying to get herself some fame, you do that. You can pimp him out to Stark too for all I care.” With that he grabbed the blanket from the edge of their bed and made a rather ridiculous exit.

And maybe he’d realise later, that maybe, just maybe that Stark stocked the good stuff, the real good stuff, and that on a bottle and half of the real good stuff he was rip roaring drunk for the first time in almost ten years.

Yeah, he’d have a lot of grovelling to do in the morning.

Of course that would be after he figured how he went to sleep in a  tree .

Well, once a sniper… 

(())

 

Steve was sitting at the kitchen table when Bucky walked inside, cramped and sore, rubbing the back of his head. There were twigs.

Huh.

“Is there coffee?” he asked, and was met with a wall of silence. Awesome.

He wandered to the coffee pot, and poured what was left. He almost considered just drinking it from the pot.

“Is Peggy up yet?”

Silence.

Steve continued to eat his cereal, the boring kind with no sugar, because Steve hated fun.

“Steve?”

Instead of acknowledging him, Steve got up and placed his now empty bowl in the sink, fixing Bucky with a glare before walking out toward the bedrooms.

God his head hurt.

With his coffee mug in hand he noticed their car was gone and thought maybe Peggy had gotten up early and went to the store, though his gut told him that was a lie. So instead, he marched towards their room just as Stark rounded the corner.

“Hey Barnes, uh, weird question?”

“What?”

“The vial with the cork top with a clear liquid, that I may or may not have misplaced, you haven’t seen it, have you? I’ve been looking since I woke up and I can’t find it, I wanted to show it to Steve.”

“No ...What? That’s…” something that sounds exactly like what was in the liquor table the night before. “Oh.”

Stark looked worried.

“You left it on the drinks table, man.”

“Oh, thank GOD. That’s where it was, I was in there opening the windows before you guys came I must have mislaid it there - it’s coming back to me now… Thank you!”

“Wait!” Bucky stopped him before he rounded the corner again. “I um, thought it was alcohol.”

Stark’s eyes widened.

“Uh…” at that he marched up to him and grabbed his face, he checked his eyes, and his pulse, and his temperature with the back of his hand. “Okay, no you’re okay. You’re wrecked looking though.”

“I slept in a tree,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head.

Stark’s eyes widened again.

“Yeah, Barnes … that shit, I mean, I confess it was meant for Steve, it… It’s a shame he can’t get drunk you know? Anyway, I tinkered with some stuff, and it knocked me out cold from a shot so … I figured…”

Jesus… 

“Yeah it um, mixed well with other liquor, a lot … of it in fact.” 

“Oh no… I take it that’s why Peg and Angie left?” he added, no trace of judgement in his tone.

They left?!?

“I fucked it up, I mean I haven’t been drunk in forever and really I was fine one minute -”

“Then shit-faced drunk the next? Just be thankful, I had a sip, Barnes, a sip, and Jarvis found me on my bedroom floor nine hours later, still passed out.” He moved to check his temperature once more but Bucky moved back. Enough touching.

“So let me get this straight, something that knocked out a short but grown ass man, for hours, you just leave lying around the bedroom of a pregnant woman?!”

Howard took his turn to look sheepish.

“Uh.”

“What if she’d have drank it huh? Or Angie? Or Jarvis?”

“Why would Jarvis or Angie be in your b-”

“Not the POINT Howard!”

He was smart to look scared, and Bucky was in no mood for his fuckery.

“Look, no more fucking around with stuff that could kill Steve, alright? No more leaving your experiments lying around and for the love of fuck, no more messing with the liquor.”

The older man nodded then, stepping out of his space.

“I’m going away from this now,” he added, moving back toward the bedroom where he’d hoped to find Peggy and prove Stark wrong. He didn’t.

He found it empty. The bed was made, and her stuff was no longer on the dresser.

Shit, shit, shit.

He walked down the hall to where Steve was meant to be sleeping and knocked softly on the door. There was silence again but he was over that and walked in anyway. He found Steve standing at the window looking out toward the ocean.

“Peggy’s–”

“Peggy left at dawn, with Angie. She’s too angry right now to be here. She told me to tell Howard that something came up at work but I doubt he bought it. Stane passed out on the couch and he’s still there, so I figure he won’t even notice.”

“She just left?”

At that the other man turned around.

“Yeah, she did. You know, when the man you love turns on you like a dog, it’s kind of hard to want to stick around and be part of the team.”

“I didn’t–”

“You DID,” Steve said and Bucky swore he saw him clench his fist. Did he want to take a swing at Bucky? That was interesting.

“You stood there, on your high fucking horse like your opinion was the only one that mattered. You accused her of sweet talking me, of manipulating me in our discussion last night and during Rebirth. You think that didn’t hit her hard, Buck? You think that wasn’t the most insulting thing you could have said to a woman who is constantly fighting for her place beside men who accuse her of using that very part of a woman’s sexuality EVERY damn day?”

Shame. That’s what Bucky felt, and he felt it creep right up to his cheeks.

He stayed quiet because really, what could he say right then?

“Bucky, I love you, she loves you, but enough.  Enough  with the jealousy man, it’s not healthy.” Steve spoke with the authority he only usually used on the battlefield. He’d had enough.

“You think I like feeling like this?!” he croaked, because really, he knew he’d fucked up, yet again.

“I don’t know, I just don’t. But it feels like shit on this end because it feels like you don’t trust us.”

Bucky opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“I trust you. I trust you both with my life!”

“Then fucking start believing it.” Steve was still so angry, he could only imagine what Peggy felt. “I love you, and I’m in this. I’m IN this. We’re in this together, the three of us, you know that by now, so please just … believe it.”

“I do…” he cleared his throat softly. “I did, I do. I just…” he sighed, sitting at the foot of the bed. “I was never like this, before.”

It took Steve a second to realise what ‘before’ meant. Before the war, before Zola.

“When you were …  gone , it felt like my insides were slowly dying, Steve. I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was broken, period. I couldn’t eat, I tasted nothing, I existed and I tried, I really did. But it didn’t work because I was like a broken clock, right twice a day but pretty much useless anyway.”

Steve looked concerned and horrified as he took a seat next to his guy.

“I know I feel things  more  now than before, but yours seem to focus in on the negative shit, Buck I mean … am I wrong? You ever tell Peg any of this?”

He shook his head.

“I tried not to even think about it myself, let alone saying it out loud. But when she came into my life, it was like, the clock started ticking again, slowly, not quite right, not at full speed at first… but soon enough, food tasted good again, I didn’t feel like I was dying so much inside.”

Steve took his hand. They rarely did this with each other, the hand holding thing, though Steve wished they would.

“I don’t think that’s just normal grief, you know? I think when they fucked me up, Stevie? I think they  really  fucked me up in there.” He touched his head before biting his lip. “I do trust you both, I just don’t trust many other people, and I know that’s messed up too–”

“You’ve gone through hell, I think it’s normal.” Steve gripped his hand tighter. “I am sorry, you know? Sorry you were made go through what you did.”

He smiled half-heartedly at the blond man, gripping his hand right back.

“I think … I think I need to see someone, a doctor, a shrink, maybe.”

“You mean you haven’t been seeing the SHIELD appointed quack?” Steve said with flair, making his guy laugh.

“Not exactly.”

“Nah, me either, she’ll kill us when she finds out.”

Steve smiled too.

“I need to go make it right with her, fuck. I can’t believe how I acted. I’m a fucking idiot. And Angie, God, Christ, she probably hates me. She’d have every right.” Bucky stood then, taking a deep breath.

“So how do I make it up to them?”

Steve mused.

“Oh no, you’re on your own there, Pal. I am not getting in the dog house with you, nope. No. Bye.” He stood up and quickly paced to the en-suite, Bucky comically followed just as quick.

“Aw come on, you just said we’re a team.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Ok you didn’t but I’m sure you’ve said that shit in the past, come on  Cap  take one for the team, help me out here?”

Steve sighed.

“I know nothing about women, and what I ever did learn was from  you .”

“And two dozen USO girls,” Bucky grinned and it made Steve laugh. Steve was sure Bucky knew what to do for Peggy – Angie, less so, but he’d give it a shot. He understood he was doing this with Steve to, in a way, win him around too. “So come on, give me the goss.”

Steve rolled his eyes and sighed, but began anyway. Slowly he came out of his funk, and soon enough they’d be on the road back to Brooklyn.

Whether or not Peggy would be there when they got back was another story.

                        *****

“He’s a complete jerk, and I get it, he’s hot … or … whatever, but  really  Peg.”

They sat in Angie’s cousin’s living room on Sixth Avenue; Angie had her gin and tonic, Peggy her cuppa. Both still in rage mode, even hours later. Peggy looked out to the greying skies overhead, and sighed.

“I know, I mean, the thing is … he’s not.”

Angie sighed.

“No, he really not Ang. That’s what makes this shit so infuriating, he’s not  that  guy. Never was.”

“Was to me, a lot,” she said, raising her glass.

“Yes, I can’t begin to pretend that I understand that, sorry again.”

“Stop apologising for him, he’s a grown up, he makes his choices – moods too.”

“He’s a sweetheart, he is, and I’m not one of those women making excuses for their oafs of husbands or boyfriends. I’m just not. He’s considerate and wonderful, and of course he has his faults, but he’s never been outright mean, at least not without a hell of a cause.”

“And I’m the cause?”

“No, I just think he’s insecure with our position in Steve’s life, it’s an easy thing to get swallowed up in.”

“How? That boy looks at you both like you’re his moon and stars.”

Peggy smiled.

“But he’s … he could if he wanted just … you know what, it’s not important. What’s important is that James Barnes apologises to you.”

“Oh Peggy, I don’t care.”

“I do. And if he knows what’s good for him, he will. I am sorry–”

“Stop,” she said, holding the plate that held the ‘cookies’ to Peg, which she gladly accepted.

“I know, it’s just annoying. I get that he might not be on board with our idea and that’s his right, but my goodness. Besides that, he hasn’t been drunk…” hasn’t been able to, she wanted to add and thought better of it, “in a very long time, that in itself was shocking.”

“Steve seemed pretty okay with it,” Angie offered, with a shrug.

“Hm. He did, I mean maybe we were just being silly, I don’t know. But it was only an idea, one that was made to help … not hinder,” Peggy spoke with a sigh before sipping her tea.

“I wish Bucky understood that, that it’s innocent. I don’t make moves on other people’s guys, I am not that girl, never have been, despite what Suzi Quavers said in tenth grade.”

That made Peggy laugh.

“I know that darling, I know that.” She patted her hand.

“I just, I figure it’s not easy what you got going on.” Angie nodded to the bump, which Peggy instinctively patted. “Last thing you need is press sneaking around once that kid pops.”

“He thinks we don’t notice you know, the articles, the invites in the mail he just bins without a glance, the requests, and the demand for interviews. He thinks, I think, if he ignores it, it’ll all just fade away. That isn’t the reality, and in Europe at least, we avoided it, and we just did our jobs. But here…”

“He is who he is to a nation of very nosy people.” Angie concluded.

Peggy agreed with a nod.

“And those people are looking for a story.”

“And the one he’s got isn’t the one anyone is ready for,” she giggled. “Can you imagine the Republicans? Their heads may  _ actually _ implode,” she added with wide eyes and a laugh that made Peggy feel young.

“Oh my God!”

                                      *****************************       

 By the time they figured out where Angie was staying, and by extension, Peggy, it was almost eight. They had borrowed one of Stark’s cars to get home, where Peggy most definitely wasn’t waiting. So, with the continued stink eye from Steve, Bucky took a shower and put on his Sunday best, the navy three-piece Peggy liked, and decided if he was going to grovel, he was going to do it in style.

He may have spent ten dollars flowers alone; he wasn’t fucking around.

“She’s not here,” Angie said after she opened the door with her usual sass, and a pissed off face that rivalled Steve’s.

“I know she’s here, she called Mr. Jarvis to bring her files.”

“That little snitch,” Angie cursed under her breath. “Well, fine, but she isn’t actually here right now, anyway.”

“Are you lying?”

“No?”

“Seriously?”

“She went out for a walk, and I think to get a pretzel. I’m making us dinner. My cousin Betty is in Memphis for the week, so this is actually her place,” she added, still not letting him inside.

“She does like pretzels. A lot, lately,” he mused.

“See, not lying.”

He nodded.

“Alright, well, um, okay, I have some stuff I need to say to you too.”

“What makes you think I want to hear it?”

She had a very valid point.

“That’s your right. You can tell me to go to hell if you want, and I’ll understand it, Angie. I will.” 

She looked unimpressed, bored almost.

Tough room.

“But I am sorry, for what I said, how I said it, and also my whole attitude toward you in general. It was horrible and uncalled for, and you did nothing to deserve it and I am sorry that I’m such a fucked up mess of a jealous bastard, okay?”

That got a reaction out of her, and when he handed her one of the two bunches of roses – the light yellow; the red were for Peggy. He figured he’d give her the yellow they were still very pretty. Kinda like her hair.

“You are a jealous bastard, and I was just trying to help. But what you said to Peggy–”

“I know.” There was that shame feeling again. “I’m working on fixing it, I am. But I … want you to know that I appreciate you being a friend to Peggy–”

“Well, she’s an amazing person.”

He nodded, sincerely.

“Very. The most in fact,” he smiled, “and … to Steve too, and … that the idea in reality is a necessary one, because I know how the world works, I’m not stupid.”

She cocked a brow.

“Despite my actions, I’m not, and I know that questions asked loudly enough could ruin our lives, and our baby’s life, and your offer was, in hindsight, a real nice thing to do. For him. For … us.”

She nodded and sighed, rolling her eyes.

“English is right, you are oddly charming.”

“Oddly?”

“Well, she said charming, I’m adding the odd, because you are an odd noodle Bucky Barnes, but two of my favourite people adore you, so I figure maybe you deserve a second chance.”

He beamed at that. She was really pretty when she smiled.

“Yeah? For real?”

“Only for them. If it wasn’t for Peggy I’d never speak to you again.”

“I get that, I do, but thank you?”

“She’s at Ferrara bakery; she left like ten minutes ago so you should catch her there.”

He smiled again.

“Thank you so much, Angie. I mean it.”

“Yeah, yeah, you better charm the pants off her, mister, she’s not happy.”

He took his scolding and moved to sprint out of her building.

One apology down and hopefully only one more to go.

                                                         ****

He saw her through the window, sitting prim and lady like in that grey dress that she likes, her hair in a high perfect ponytail, the baby bump concealed with a light summer scarf. She was sipping her tea and taking bites of her pastry. When he went inside she held up her annoyed face for a little while, but still allowed him to say his piece. And he did, all of it, in whispered tones, relaying his conversation with Steve, with Angie, and with himself. And after a scary ten minutes or so, her eyes softened.

“You told me you were seeing the shrink.”

“I know, and I’m sorry about that too. But I will, I promise this time, just maybe someone outside of SHIELD.” He couldn’t keep saying he was sorry for the same mistakes, the same horrible insecurities, he had to get a grip, it wasn’t just them anymore. He had to be more responsible. 

She understood that at least, too much knowledge of your weaknesses in one place was never smart. They talked it out, and he ordered a coffee and a piece of cake, she admired her roses, he explained about Howard and his misplaced vial of poison only adding to the clusterfuck that was his reactions, though he was smart enough to realise it wasn’t to blame. She liked that he at least had his common sense back in working order and she forgave him because she understood, at least in part, where it all stemmed from. Though she did so not without a stern warning about ‘fucking around with your mental health,’ and she ordered him to make an appointment as soon as possible. For her. For Steve. For their baby. And most importantly, for _himself_.

He wholeheartedly agreed.

 

                                                        ****

Peggy stood in front of rows of women. This meeting had been called for a specific reason. There were dozens of women agents and would-be agents present and there were men too – there were always men, but they stood, and they stood to the back of the room.

Wearing her ‘work clothes’ six months pregnant had been a chore to find. Pencil skirts were not kind to growing bellies, but two sizes up and with a zip undone she found a few that did the trick.

“You’re probably wondering why I called you all here today. I’d like to clarify some whisperings that I’ve heard travelling through the halls of our various bases. Number one: No, I am not a dragon lady setting out to make an all-women version of the CIA. Though such a thing would be a fantastic idea, right ladies?” she asked and they laughed. The men did not. She paced, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at their lack of humour.

“Number two: No, I am not aiming to oust men from high ranking positions and replace them with under qualified women just because they are in fact, women. However, should a woman earn her place and her rank, like the rest of us, she will be rewarded as such.”

Whispering came from the back again and she looked to Howard who just grimaced.

“And three: Obviously, I am pregnant. No, I haven’t just gotten fat, nor have I another vaguely ridiculous medical condition. And obviously in time I will be taking leave, one of you will not be ushered in as my  replacement ,” she aimed that at the back, mostly so the ass kissers who were all but sucking Howard off in the off chance of getting on his good side could hear.

“I am co-director and founder of this agency, and I am in fact, a woman.” The women laughed at the audacity of having to point that out. “And those of you who have a problem with that, with me, are free to go at any time. You know where the door is.”

The women looked at each other and smiled. The men, well there were rare smiles, and of those she took note.

“I will confess this, I have made it my personal mission as co-director of SHIELD to make sure that the percentage of women working here is high, yes, I have.” Howard smiled.

“Because of course we’re in an age where we women can escape the kitchen if only for a little while, and yes our government will tell us to be a good little woman we must do it all, have it all, and they will provide us jobs outside of the home. The CIA, the FBI, the DOJ, the DOD, DOL, even the SSR to an extent; them, and all the government acronyms I can remember. Sure, they’ll hire you if you have a vagina, but we know they won’t actually let you do the job.”

That caused a ruffling of feathers in the back, and the women mostly smirked.

“What’s the matter gents? Was it something I said?” She paced again, this time smirking herself. She did so enjoy making men uncomfortable. “Honestly men, half the world’s population has them and the other half spend half their time trying to get into the them. You can say the word out loud, God won’t strike you down.” She raised her brows. “Moving on…”

“And if the other agencies let you do the job it’s only to their liking, to their standard ‘for a woman’. You’ll make a fine secretary, at the desk, on the phone, provide the coffee and the eye candy, take a lot of lunch orders … but no – no field missions – despite the same training the men go through, despite the same standard tests and endurance expected, to, be a dear and merely take a seat.” She rolled her eyes, going back to her own seat.

“That’s not how we roll, not now, not ever. You want to be a field agent for SHIELD you prove it, you show up, you do the work, you don’t get killed. Simple. I don’t care much for what’s between your legs as you do it.”

The men blushed. Some shuffled their feet. The women began to applaud her, which then in turn brought on her own blush? She really didn’t do well with that kind of attention.

“Well enough of that, there’s a lunch laid on in meeting room three, go eat,” she dismissed them before leaning into Howard.

“Please don’t make me do that again.”

“But you’re so good at it, Peg. I love watching you make men squirm.”

At that she rolled her eyes. The baby though, it seemed to agree with Stark.

That wasn’t a good sign. She patted the kicks anyway, letting her little one know she felt them. It felt wrong to ignore it, somehow.

“The team from London got back to base safely last night, the latest sweep for Zola bought up nothing, again,” she admitted with a sigh and he just kept on reading whatever it was he was reading.

“Hm.”

“Howard, are you listening?”

“Course I am. Look, he’s a snake in the grass. God knows where he is by now, he could be dead, Peggy.”

She rolled her eyes.

“If only God were kind he would be, painfully and horribly too.”

He just shrugged, and she hated his nonchalance on the topic. The man, after all, was loose with the knowledge and power to abuse Erskine’s life’s work.

“I’m starving, you want something from that Chinese place?”

“No,” she declined as he gathered up their papers. “We’re going with Steve and Angie to that thing at seven, so I’ll eat there.”

He made a face.

“First date and it’s a group thing huh?”

She sighed.

“He asked us to come.”

“Of course he did. Though it’s hardly going to sell if you’re both on their tail all evening.”

“We won’t be.”

They wouldn’t. It was a birthday party for the vice president, and Steve had been invited, and Peggy too, though separately. So it was the perfect time to test run the plan. There would be press, and Washington cronies. Word would spread quickly that Cap had a girl. 

_ Finally _ .

The twig of jealousy rumbled in Peggy’s chest, though she pushed it far away.

_ It wasn’t real. _

“Well, good luck, having to deal with those people all night, I’m glad I’m not invited.”

“You were. You just never go to these things either.”

He smiled.

“Unless financially or morally _required_ to do so, I don’t much like leaving my house if I can help it.” He took her hand and helped her from her seat. Moving much, at a speed any faster than turtle was rapidly becoming a struggle.

“I hear you there. I want nothing more than to cuddle up with a good book tonight, but alas.”

“You have _two_ hot boyfriends and you want to snuggle up to some paper? You’re an odd one, Carter,” he said with a smirk that if she’d had the energy she’d gently but firmly slap off his face.

“I’m too tired to argue with you, can you just call Jarvis and ask him to take me home?”

“Your wish…” he said with flair as he walked towards his office and her toward her elevator.

She had to get ready for the oddest double date of her life.

****

It was terrifying, stepping out of the car to flashes, to questions and press. He wasn’t a big deal, at least in his own eyes. He was just a soldier. Except he knew, deep down, he was more than that to everyone else, and apparently to the press too. Angie looked stunning, in a floor length gown, gold and silky against her newly tanned skin. Her smile seemed brighter and her eyes were on him. He was sweating and he wanted to go home, he liked home, home was good. She grabbed his arm and whispered into his ear.

“Peggy and Bucky are inside, they told me to remind you that they love you and to smile, you aren’t going to the gallows.” At that he did a laugh and so did she. They both walked inside and he waved but ignored the press. The president and vice president were to be present so surely his presence was just one of many?

Apparently not.

“God, that was horrible,” he exhaled once they’d got inside. Angie looked positively buzzed, and he found it cute.

“It was such fun though!”

Taking the champagne offered, he took her arm again and led her through the crowd. Steve glanced to his left and saw them, and instantly felt better. Bucky and Peggy were standing, dressed to the nines, Bucky handsome as ever in his tux, and Peggy in a floor length black dress, dipping in her ever expanding cleavage to distract from her ever expanding tummy. She was wearing a diamond necklace he had bought her in Italy during their travels, something about that warmed his heart. He wanted to go to them but he knew that eyes were on him and he’d have to wait. Bucky smiled and raised his glass to them and he smiled back. Maybe, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all, he thought.

*****

Getting through the dinner and drinks was a breeze. Angie had a way of making everyone her friend, even the Vice President of the United States, he thought with a laugh. Talking and laughing as if everyone in the room were old pals. He wished he had that skill, but he was never the social butterfly. That was always Bucky’s thing more so than his. But he tried, and he spoke up when he had to, and generally enjoyed himself. Though as the night wore on he could feel eyes watching him still, but these felt familiar. And he was right, his people were whispering at the other side of the dining room, but looking his direction every now and then. He was dying to know what they were discussing, he was dying to talk and touch, but he knew they had to keep their distance, at least for the time being.

He found out quickly however once he got home, tired but happy and happier still that he was helping Angie in some small way too; he had introduced her to three casting agents, and her big old smile as he dropped her off at her cousins place could have lit up a room. Peggy and Bucky though, they made short work of any misgiving he might have had on exactly how they felt about watching him all night with another woman.

Namely by attempting to, quite literally, fuck him through their mattress. Reassuring him constantly of how much they loved him, how much they needed him, and just how much he belonged to them and vice versa. He felt as though he could burst from feeling so loved.

He really did like the new arrangement.

A lot.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! Listen thanks so much for the love on this, the comments mean the world, and the kudos are cute too! Hope you're still enjoying it! I wasn't a million percent on this chapter, but the next one is coming along (as is fictional baby! Next chapter!) and theeen, the ~twist. Hope you stick around :) xo


	37. Baby Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where there's a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies! This one got away from me and had to be cut in two. It was getting redonk long and that's just bad for people's bladders and stuff, so part two of HEY LOOK THEY HAVE BABY NOW will be up within the week, or sooner if you'd like! Because I'm awesome like that and take requests lol! Hope you enjoy and hit the lil buttons if you do xoxo

Peggy was sitting quietly in the kitchen, only the light above her head illuminating the room, the rest of the house dark. It was late enough for normal people, but her evening still had a lot of writing involved. She had three field reports to sign off on, as well as a ton of other boring admin things that Howard seemed to like to pretend didn’t exist. Bucky had quite a day, first at the therapist, then sparring with some agents as practice. They attended three meetings together before she left to go home. The SHIELD GP had warned her about her blood pressure, and after feeling woozy for the second day running, she was inclined to agree. He’d come home beat, and they’d cooked a little dinner and watched some TV before he hit the hay, leaving her with her work.

Steve was out with Angie, again. This time it was a benefit hosted by Elizabeth Taylor thank you very much, and one Peggy was most certainly not invited to, but she only felt a little bit jealous, if only because of whom the host was. They’d been on a number of dates now, he and Angie, over the past month, and Bucky had become very relaxed about the whole thing considering how he took the news initially. Maybe because he knew their every move, because whenever they did have a ‘date,’ it was always conveniently captured by one or more of the press. Their walks in the park, their days shopping, all it took was one snap and they ran with it. A blooming romance on the streets of New York, the gossip rags said.

No, she was only a little jealous, and it was after all completely natural.

She patted the bump. The baby had been busy all after dinner, just rolling around it seemed. They liked a lot of meat, and they  loved  ice-cream. Well, she’d blame the kid anyway, if she liked it too, well that was just gravy.

_ Oh, gravy! _

No, she resisted. The left over dinner was for Steve, not for her third plate.

Thoughts of food subsided, at least for a little while when she heard Steve come in, ever so quietly.

“Hey, you’re still up,” he spoke from the door. He looked good. He always looked good, but in his tux, with his scruffy three day beard and his hair parted to the side just so, with his bow-tie undone, well, he looked downright devilish.

“Work,” she gestured to the table full of files as he walked in and leaned over to kiss her cheek. She wanted to stop him, to give him a real kiss but her size and her self-consciousness stopped her.

“You work too hard, Peg.” He smiled at her as he took the carton of milk out of the fridge and slugged from it. Bucky did it too. Their lack of concern for milk hygiene annoyed her a bit, but in the grand scheme of things, she would let it slide.

There was small chit-chat, about Bucky’s therapy and how well it had been going, his own as he took the small steps back, once a week, for now. Talk of the baby’s room and colours cropped up – neutrals were decided, but Steve had a Disney theme he was working out on his sketch book, and she was a little excited to see what he’d settle on of course. Then of course, they were back to the topic at hand.

“So how was it? Was it fabulous? Did Angie pass out?” she asked with a smile of her own, getting up to stand with him as he moved to lean against the counter. She reached up and sweetly wiped away his milk mustache. He dipped to kiss her again, and this time she went deeper. She could feel his surprise before he grasped her waist and pulled her close, or, well, as close as the bump would allow. When he pulled back his eyes were still closed.

“There’s dinner in the oven if you’re hungry,” she offered before tapping his bearded chin and moving out of the way. He took it out, unwrapped it and started picking at it with his hands.

“Don’t you want it heated? Also, forks,” she nodded to the drawer.

He shrugged.

“I’m an uncultured swine, Ma’am.”

“I wonder how Miss Taylor took to your table manners,  Captain .”

“Oh, she took to them just fine, she’s really nice too.” He grinned. “A little scary, and I swear when she came up to us, that Angie almost did faint. She squeezed my hand so tight, it was hilarious.”

Peggy smiled, she could imagine. She would no doubt get a twenty minute phone call the next morning telling her all about it.

“But she had fun, and I did too. Eventually, I guess.”

“I’m glad you had fun, you can regale our boy in the morning.” She spoke with humour in her tone. They both knew Bucky was as big as gossip as anyone, it was really a wonder why he and Angie didn’t get along better, they were similar in personality in ways she could never be.

Before she could think about putting the milk back in the fridge, he had her pressed up against the kitchen counter. His hand went to her ever expanding waist, his other hand in her hair, deepening his lean and the kiss and making her happily sigh.

“Aren’t you hungry though,” she whispered, but he shook his head, still transfixed by her mouth.

“Not for food.”

She suppressed a giggle at that, feeling his soft beard rub against her neck before pushing him away.

“ Darling ,” she attempted again, but it did feel nice. It was no secret she hadn’t exactly been feeling all that sexual in her current condition. In fact, she’d stopped participating two weeks before, no matter how they tried to lure her in. She didn’t feel sexy, therefore didn’t want sexed. Thus far Bucky had been gentle and understanding, if a little disappointed, Steve too. They had even kept whatever they had been doing – and she knew they had to have been doing something – to whenever she wasn’t around. She wasn’t sure if she was grateful or annoyed but she had been the one to brush them off, so she figured they were respecting her choice. But feeling his hands on her, smelling how good he smelled, feeling his kisses. She was having a hard time resisting.

“I don’t feel up to it, I know it’s–”

“I don’t want to push you if you don’t want to, Peg of course.” He stepped back, like a gent, though he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his face. “But if it’s over some silly misgivings over how you look, I’m here to tell you, I find you as beautiful as ever.”

Peggy scoffed.

“I do, believe me or don’t, but I do. You’re doing this amazing thing that, super serum or no, none of us could do, and you’re growing–”

“Expanding.”

“ Growing , and sure things are a little…” his eyes widened as he slowly peeked under her at her cleavage, making her laugh out loud, “different, but you’re as sexy to me as you ever were. If not more. There are more curves, and you’re all… soft and… I  like  it.”

She was blushing. This man had had her six ways from Sunday, and somehow his words still made her blush. It could have been hormonal, or her insecurities being squished momentarily, but either way, she relished feeling just a little bit of her old self under his hot gaze.

“I really like it a lot, Peg,” he whispered again, going down her neck, peppering kisses, sucking her skin, making her squirm. “But of course if you really don’t want to…” he stopped and moved as if to move away. She caught him by his untied bow-tie, making him stumble and laugh.

“Ah, so maybe you  do ?” he teased.

“You just spent the night with movie stars, all trim and glowing, some probably have diamond encrusted vaginas for heaven sakes, Steve, what on earth could I do for you right now after that.”

“You’re the most beautiful woman in that room; you’re the most beautiful woman in _any_ room, Ms. Carter.”

“Oh and why is that? It can’t be with these ankles.”

“It’s because I love you, that’s why,” he whispered again, this time before taking her earlobe between his lips and making her tingle. He didn’t stop there, not by a long shot, not before he’d lifted her up on to island counter top, pushed her back a little, and began kissing up her legs, her thighs, until he had her nightie hoisted at her waist, and was gingerly sliding her underwear off.

“Steve–” her insecurities came roaring back, but he hushed them up right quick in a flurry of lips, hot kisses and fingers, making her gasp softly. She felt his smile before she saw it, before he lifted his head to speak.

“But if you really want to stop–”

“Don’t you dare,” she half ordered, though a tad breathless considering how his fingers were working her up, before he chuckled and went right back to work with his tongue.

_ Christ on a bike, she’d forgotten how good he’d gotten at this. _

She gripped the edge of the counter with one hand, the other buried in his once perfectly parted hair. He moaned into her, winding her up like a clock. She felt dizzy, she felt amazing, like she was about to burst with pleasure.

Steve growled low enough that it resonated, making her tingle. His hands slid along the silk of her slip, cupped the roundness of her bump. She let out a stammering breath as his warm mouth pressed between her legs before she closed her eyes and tilted her head back to focus on the wave of his tongue.

“Steve – Steve! Oh God I!” she couldn’t finish her sentence; too busy experiencing the ripples of an orgasm she’d denied herself for weeks. She fought the urge to slam her thighs shut as he kept going and going, working her up again, until she had to push him away, far too sensitive to let him continue. He finally pulled back, his face glistening; a fact that made her blush, still, and a grin that rivalled any Cheshire cat.

“Like I said, beautiful,” he cocked a brow at her, making her laugh, before she leaned in, and wiped his face with the end of her nightie before kissing him stupid. She loved that he still, even as big as she was, lifted her like she weighed nothing, moving her to their couch, moving her slowly and carefully as if she were made of glass. Their usual way of working on the couch just wasn’t going to fly, not with the bump, but a little moving and the loss of his belt, and his pants, a lost shirt button or two later, she was facing away from him as he kept her balance with his stupidly strong arms. He was pushing into her at a pace that had her rapidly reaching another orgasm, that he continued to fuck her through, all the while whispering hotly into her ear how much he wanted her, how much he  always wanted her no matter what, that it never stopped, he’d never stopped, he loved her, he needed her, and that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever been with. Which of course led to her usual sassy and honest answer, gasped through her moans, that she was in fact the ‘only’ woman he’d ever been with.

To which he’d laugh, and kiss her, and agreed, before losing himself inside of her, clinging to her gently for a man with his strength.

God she loved him so much it almost hurt.

******

The leaves had well and truly fallen. Central Park was the epitome of Fall, all browns and reds and burnt oranges hues. Steve loved it, he itched to paint it, but usually in a place such as that, if he stood still for too long, someone recognised him and just had to strike up a conversation. Sometimes it just wasn’t ideal. It didn’t stop him talking Bucky’s ear off about the different nuances of colour and just how he might paint said scenes, though, even if they were on their way to a gallery or two, and even if their treat of choice was ice-cream when everyone else preferred hot chocolate.

“You don’t have to go, I like going alone it’s no big deal,” Steve said after the topic of paint structure quieted down, with a shrug too as he bit into his ice-cream like the heathen he was.

“No, I want to. I know it’s yours and Peg’s thing but I like art … and stuff too.”

Steve smiled.

“I know you do, you got real expensive tastes Buck. If this little date is anything to go by.”

“What? You too good for hot-dogs and ice-cream now, Captain America?” He scoffed, causing Steve to laugh.

“No, not at all. This is great, really. We got hot dogs, we got chocolate ice-cream, a romantic stroll around Central Park, and I mean really, you’re the bestest boyfriend _ever_ ,” Steve whispered as he leaned in close because, well, they weren’t stupid. Bucky rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop the smile from getting out. Steve chuckled smugly.

“I mean I am a pretty good one,” Bucky agreed with a lick of his cone and then it was Steve’s turn to sigh exasperatedly.

“Honestly, we’re in _public_ you can’t just go around–”

“Go around what? Huh?” he asked, teasing as they took a seat on an empty bench that overlooked the pond.

“Being a jerk, that’s what.”

“Getting you all hot and bothered huh? Shame on you, there are old grandmothers in the vicinity Captain, how _could_ you?”

“Stop!” Steve said with a laugh at the look on Bucky’s face, both of them being idiots. Both of them sat then, in comfortable silence. The sun was beating down on their backs, the grass looked soft and dry due to a dry week, the lake was glistening, hell, there were even ducks swimming happily.

“Besides, I gotta step up my game, Stevie. You got two women to woo now, I have to do some of the wooing myself.”

“Bucky…” he began, the now very old verse of defending Angie and their arrangement. Bucky was joking – this time – he really was.

“I’m kidding, Punk, chill out okay?”

Steve took a breath.

“You two have plans for the weekend?”

“Nah, she has an audition, it’s for on-broadway, she’s pretty excited.”

“And your little arrangement help her with that?”

Steve blushed.

“She’s good, Bucky, she really IS good.”

“But?”

“I mean I may have told a producer who told a director, but that’s just to get her foot–”

“I know,” he sighed. “Well, they do call it show business for a reason I guess. I hope she breaks a leg.”

Steve barked a laugh, nudging him.

“It’s break a leg, not … never mind.” He knew by the sly sarcastic look on his guys face that he was just not going to win this one.

After a few minutes of silence, their ice-creams finished and something shifted as he heard Bucky take several deep breaths before he spoke.

“Steve, I wanted to spend some time just us today, not just because it’s awesome–”

“Because it is awesome,” he agreed with a silly grin.

“It is,” Bucky repeated, this time though the mirth was gone from his eyes. Steve’s stomach dropped.

“Bucky is everything–”

“I want to ask Peggy to marry me,” he huffed in one big breath, his eyes now filled with something other than laughter. “I … yeah. That’s the thing and I wanted to talk about it. With you.”

Steve could see Bucky’s cheeks were turning pink, his breathing had picked up, he was nervous.

“You’re–”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Well I mean…” Steve was stunned. He could hear his own heart thundering in his ears, he felt hot all of a sudden, and sick, nauseated, and a little dizzy. He also felt incredibly stupid, because of course. Of course this was going to happen. Peggy was pregnant, and even though they weren’t sure on the father, they were sure there was a baby on the way, and in 1950s America, well; you just didn’t have one of those without a husband without ridicule, no matter who you were. “Of course you are, it’s normal right? She’s … yours.”

Bucky stood, his face fully pink, typical bottom lip worried between his teeth.

“You know that’s bullshit man, you know it,” he whispered harshly though there weren’t any people around to care, and Steve was sure the ducks didn’t give a fuck.

“No it’s fine, really; honestly I … don’t know why I’m surprised of course this was going to happen. I mean she’s having a baby and you know how people are–”

“Look she doesn’t care about this, she likes things how it is, and so do I but…”

“But what then?” A sliver of hope or something like it rose within Steve once more. Why, he wasn’t sure.

“That kid, that kid doesn’t get a say in this,” Bucky spoke softly then, sitting next to Steve again, gesturing between them. “They don’t have a choice because we are how we are, but the world will look at this kid and see  _ our  _ choices. See that his or her mother wasn’t married, that their father – for all intents and purposes made a bastard kid and _wouldn’t_ marry their mom. That kid will go to school and church and hear things about unwed mothers–”

“Yeah, but Peggy–”

“But Peggy would kick their ass, I know that, you know that, but this kid Steve, you know what it was like when we were growing up.”

“It’s different now…” he tried.

“No it ain’t. You know that too,” Bucky said with serious conviction.  “People are still people, God fearin’ and shit who’ll taint this kid and make ‘em think we’re the devil incarnate and that they’re less than what they are because of it.”

“Bucky–”

Steve desperately, desperately wanted to touch him then, to ground and reassure him but he couldn’t; not on the off chance that someone could see.

“But I know what this means to you too,” Bucky began again, “I know if I do this, it means you can’t and I am an asshole for it.”

“Bucky–”

“No, don’t take the soft tone with me. Get mad, get pissed, Steve!”

“Why?!”

“I’m marrying your girl, Steve!”

Bucky was really, truly, still holding onto that guilt and it killed Steve a little.

Cautiously, he looked around before throwing caution to the wind and grabbing his hand and yanking him back down in the seat again.

“Listen to me, she hasn’t been my girl – just my girl – since the war, I get that! You should too.”

“Steve…” 

“No.”

“YES! Look this is huge, it’s huge and it … it _changes_ things.”

Steve’s stomach dropped again, because of course, he was an _idiot_. Of course if they were _married_ , and there was a little person and of course they couldn’t keep doing what they were doing. Even if the baby was his, which he had his doubts about, but those he kept to himself.

“Oh…”

Bucky took several deep breaths, in that time Steve spoke up.

“Of course it does. Now I feel stupid, of course this would mean change … mean that we’d have to stop–”

“Wh- what? No Steve, no that’s not–”

“But isn’t it? I mean this kid will need  _ normal _ –”

“This kid ain’t never gonna have normal, not really. Their mother is a director of an intelligence agency, their father is a sniper with fucked up poison in his veins, their dad is a superhero, and they have Howard Stark as an _uncle_. But–” Bucky gestured with his hands.

“But you want to marry Peggy and try anyway.”

Exasperated, Bucky threw his hands up in the air before shrugging.

“I don’t know, I mean I do … I want to of course I do … but you–”

“For a second, just think if I hadn’t come back–”

At that Bucky fixed him with his scariest of looks, he knew that look, he’d get a sock in the jaw if he wasn’t careful.

“Fuck you, Rogers.”

“No, just humour me.”

“Sick humour…”

“Humour me – If I hadn’t come back, would you have asked her?”

Bucky swallowed then nodded.

“Steve, to the outside world – as much as I wish I didn’t give a fuck – and I don’t most of the time, I don’t, life is too short to give a fuck, but … the kid.”

Steve knew this, they all did, and they had done a fantastic job ignoring it thus far. But of the three of them, Bucky was always the realist.

“The kid will have a tough time explaining why their mom isn’t married to their dad – and you will be their dad, to the outside world you are already, aren’t you? Peggy’s telling people and they just – as they should – naturally assume it’s yours, because hey, how could it be mine? We’re all just friends here.”

Bucky worried his lip some more.

“Teacher meetings, sleepovers, kids parties, it all involves the outside world, sadly, and I don’t want our kid left out or ridiculed in any way because of somethin’ we could have done to stop it,” Steve spoke up with a nod.

“But I feel like I’m taking this from you, you shoulda been the one–”

“Shoulda, Woulda Buck, I thought we got past this?” he tried to smile but failed. Because yeah, it hurt, he was still human after all. But, the fact was he loved them and they loved him, he didn’t want them to hurt too.

“We have … but…” 

“But nothing, Buck. I mean hell,” he smiled, leaning back on the bench. “This is all assuming she says yes.”

That made Bucky bark a nervous laugh.

“Shit, you’re right. She might just tell me to go fuck myself.”

Steve laughed then.

“Oh wank off Barnes,” Steve attempted Peggy’s accent, making them both laugh harder.

“Do you actually think I NEED a husband, seriously James? Bugger off, you idiot,” Bucky attempted too, both of them horrible imitations but the nervousness, the adrenaline had them both rolling.

“I can do as I please, no silly old men in robes will judge  _ my  _ child I’ll cut his fucking head off!” Steve began again, and they both had tears in their eyes laughing, Bucky clinging to Steve’s jacket as he doubled over, neither of them cared to notice the passing couples who paid the two idiots no mind.

“Oh God, Steve, oh God! I can’t … her face would be priceless.”

“Hell, I think you should sell tickets to this thing, it would be an event if she took a rant over equality at you.”

**********

Peggy returned to the house, paperwork in arms, briefcase on her hip, key in her mouth and dropped it all in the hallway. The house was quiet; she hated the empty feeling when her boys were gone. But just as she got home, finally after a lot of ‘gentle persuasion’ she agreed at seven and a half months gone and as big as house, that she’d take her leave. Maria was her choice to keep Stark in line, and they were in Washington anyway, overseeing the building of the Triskelion. The idea was to move the headquarters there by the next year, but the thought of leaving Brooklyn filled her with dread. Steve and Bucky were called to a mission a week before, in South Korea, but were, if her calculations were correct, currently en-route home.

Maybe she’d cook them something big and carbohydrate filled.

She smiled as she took her laundry upstairs. The door to what was now affectionately known as the ‘baby suite’ was open. They had some furniture, and it was painted a deep cream, the outline of Steve’s art project already on the walls. He decided, girl or boy, neutrals and Disney went well together, and he had an eerie way of doing them just like the real thing.

They needed to be filled in of course, but they had time. They had time for the crib too, it was in pieces on the floor after she gave up the day before. Never had a screwdriver angered her so bloody much, she thought. She knew exactly how much time because Steve took to obsessing, marking off their little calendar every day to ‘B Day!’ as they now called it. She was knocked out of her thoughts though when the phone started ringing off the hook, she all but waddled to their bedroom to pick up the one in there.

“Hello?”

“Peg?!”

“Steve? What’s wrong?” her heart dropped. They were meant to be in the air, on the way home.

“We’re in–”

The line was crackled and she couldn’t make out exactly what he was saying, what was unmistakable though was his panicked voice.

“Where are you?” she asked twice before she heard him answer. They were meant to have left Busan hours before, her heart was pounding.

They were in Sendai, Japan, after an ‘emergency landing’. Hydra shot them straight out of the fucking sky.

Bastards.

“Where’s Bucky?”

The line was crackling again, this time his panic was the kind that you knew was being forced down, as were tears.

“He’s in hospital, but please don’t worry.”

Yeah, like that was going to not happen.

“He’s in bad shape, Peg, but they’re good here, I think. I think they’re good, he’s in good hands.” He sounded small then, worried.

“Bad how? Steve?!”

And he explained, the bastards had shot them out with a plane, two warning shots before it rammed straight through the SHIELD jet.

They were coming stronger now; the complete disregard for their own agents now in pursuit of their goal, was new, and was terrifying. A chill ran down her spine.

Steve grabbed Bucky and Bucky had grabbed another Agent – Evelyn Fury. Her husband, Peggy knew, worked for their finance department, they had met and married on the job. The plane and the six other agents were missing. Evelyn was in a coma, and Bucky had suffered some lung damage when they’d landed in the water before Steve got them both to shore.

She sat down on the bed, and spoke to him as calmly as she could, their kid was kicking up a storm, and her heart was breaking.

“Is he going to be okay?”

His hesitation was all it took.

“Steve, answer me.”

“He … hasn’t woken up since we got here an hour ago, Peggy. I don’t…” he sniffled. “He will. I know he will. It was just…”

“Okay listen to me, there’s a contact of mine, I want you to get in touch with, he works for British intelligence, he’ll look after whatever you need until I get there.”

“Peggy no, you can’t. You have to stay home. He’s going to be fine and we’re going to be on our way in–”

“Steve don’t argue with me, now take down this number, call him, give me your number there, and I’ll call you when I’m on my way.”

“Peggy, the baby.”

“The baby isn’t due for weeks, now stop stalling and act, Rogers.”

It was all it took to snap him into gear and as soon as he hung up she was calling Stark. She needed a pilot, she needed a jet, and she needed them an hour ago.

************************

 

Several phone calls, a car, a plane, another car, Stark’s plane, and twenty hours later, they were landing in Hawaii. Steve had eventually taken her words to heart and got on the ball; they had moved Evelyn and Bucky to the US as quickly as medically allowed. Radioing via the HQ told her that the clean-up crew had found all but one of the bodies of the fallen agents, and that Captain Rogers had radioed for a pick up, moving them ‘home’ as quickly as possible.

She was stressed to the max, but knowing they were closer to home soil than before, that Bucky was awake, breathing, and only a little broken, filled her with the energy and hope she needed to keep moving. Howard had insisted on flying her out, Maria came too, both of them as wrecked with worry as Peggy.

 

************

 

“Pegs!” he said from where he laid. He was sitting up, his head bandaged, his left arm too, his right hand – three fingers wrapped, there was a gash and a stitched up slice through his right brow. She had let out a gentle sob, one she’d been holding in since she got the damn phone call. She ran to him, or rather, waddled, and wrapped herself around him, his arms encasing her in a tight hug as she let herself cry.

“I thought you–”

“I know, I’m sorry darlin’, but I’m not going anywhere, see? Head like a brick, totally fine.” She pulled back and he was smiling through a recently healed split lip. She ran her finger down it, and he grimaced. “How fast are you really healing right now, James?”

“Fast enough that I can be out of here in a few hours. Steve is harassing the docs as we speak. He told me he told you to stay put.” He nodded to the bump. “You shouldn’t be flying like this, Peg.”

She slapped him on the good arm then, and he laughed.

“Don’t you dare chastise me right now James Barnes, don’t you dare!” she wiped her eyes as Steve came in and without a word hugged her tight, kissing her on the cheek, Howard on his heels, Maria following after.

He looked like shit.

“Did you get any sleep?”

He shook his head.

“Nah, one of us had to look after that idiot. Glad you’re here, and pick up the slack would you? He’s such a pain in the ass.”

At that Howard smirked.

Peggy just glared, because she knew what innuendo was floating through his stupid head in that moment.

“The doctors say he can be out of here in a few hours, so that’s good news at least?”

Stark nodded.

“I can get the jet ready to go in three hours, if need be.”

At that Peggy took a seat by Bucky’s side, and took his hand gingerly. He might have healed quicker than most, but not as quickly as Steve, and besides she just wanted to be gentle with him.

“Good, do that.”

“Peggy, don’t you want to rest, you and Steve–” Bucky looked at Maria quickly then and rephrased, “You should both go get rooms at a hotel, or something, or nap or … I don’t know but I feel Goddamn awful for this,” he pouted.

“Like you planned it,” Steve scoffed, before unwrapping the jello, and shoving it at Bucky. “Stop, okay? We’re here and we’re going to be here until you can go.”

“Exactly, now, tell me of Agent Fury, what are her injuries?” Peggy agreed before asking of the other agent, to find she was down the hall, healing at a human rate, and thus still in shitty shape. Peggy would visit her as soon as possible, and she had hoped that HQ had notified her husband. But that was after she snuggled up against Bucky for a little while, just nodding off ever so slightly, for just five minutes, she told herself, as the sounds of everyone talking around her drained away, and all she felt was the baby kicking and her Bucky breathing. Two of the best feelings in the world.

****************************

 

Loading up the flight went better than expected. Steve was out like a light before they even took off, snoozing while wrapped up in one of the blankets Peggy brought from home, and her pillow. She took care of Bucky and made sure he was settled, though he would chide her for fussing when she should be resting, but that had never stopped her before, and as she saw him drift off too, she realised how glad she was that she could nag him and have him sweetly kiss her hand in thanks as she’d pass by to get more water.

It was only an hour or so into the flight when Peggy woke up curled up with her head on Bucky’s lap that she felt it, the sharp pains that felt like that one time she got stabbed in combat, only this time, it was inside.

And her pants were wet, her shoes? Her seat? At first she assumed she had some kind of bladder mishap, as was known to happen, apparently – according to Steve’s extensive and off-putting reading materials.

Shit.

Shitting, shit, shit.

She took a deep breath and moved away gingerly, side-stepping the odd puddle of … stuff on the floor of the plane – Howard was going to murder her, she thought as she stepped as awkwardly as possible as the pain ripped through her. She didn’t want to wake them if it was nothing, she wanted a girl to confide in, and was never as glad to have Maria close by as in those moments. Tapping her snoozing friend on the shoulder in the cordoned off first class area, she woke her softly.

“Maria, we have uh, a  slight problem.”

&&&&&&&&&

 

Maria came out of the first class partitioned area, a nervous look on her face some twenty minutes later.

“Alright, gentlemen slight problem was an understatement. Peggy isn’t just feeling unwell, she’s in labour.”

Steve stood up so fast the papers on the table flew off, Bucky stopped arguing with Stark mid sentence, and Stark himself just gaped.

“What? No that’s not … she’s not due for four more weeks!” Bucky spoke and Steve followed.

“And three days, believe me, we have a very  important calendar. Is she okay?”

“Well, no,” Maria quipped. “She’s having a baby on a plane that’s flying over a goddamn ocean and can’t land, so I’d say she’s pretty far from being okay.”

“But … the calendar,” Steve said almost to himself, as Bucky pushed past both him and Maria and went behind the curtain.

Peggy was propped up on a lounger, eyes closed, breathing deeply when Bucky took a seat next to her and grabbed her hand, mimicking her breathing because hey, he needed to remain calm.

“Are you alright?” they asked in unison, making Bucky laugh nervously as he got to her side.

“I’m fine, God, don’t worry about me, you–”

“So this is happening,” he said softly, why, he had no idea. Maybe he didn’t want her to hear the real honest to God panic in his voice.

“Such bollox, this wasn’t meant to happen, not for bloody weeks,”

“And three days, so Steve says.”

She chuckled.

“Oh his poor calendar, oh sweetheart I can’t believe this is happening now, I feel so stupid.”

“No – no you’re not, Peg. Come on. If anything it’s my fault. I’m the one that fucked things up and made you–”

“I should have listened to Steve.”

“Well, yeah.”

“I should have stayed put.”

“Well, YEAH.” He smiled.

She punched him lightly, but continued. Her cheeks were red; she was in pain, his heart clenched.

“I should have _OWWWWWWWWW. FUCK_. Okay fuck this, the doctors lied they all lied this isn’t natural!” She squeezed his hand tightly for a few seconds more, forcing herself to breathe before she seemed to relax. Clearly he failed in hiding his panic.

“Contractions, it’s okay. This is  apparently normal. Women are crazy, this can’t be how the world keeps spinning. Jesus Harold Christ.” She inhaled and exhaled slowly. Maria reappeared, this time with gloves on, and some towels.

“Howard really keeps this thing stocked doesn’t he?” she commented setting them down by Peggy.

“Yes well, it is his party plane, there’s a hot tub in the back.”

Maria’s eyes widened.

“Or so I’ve heard,” Peggy shrugged.

“Alright Peggy we’re gonna need you to um, take off your stockings and underwear now.”

“No.”

“Peggy…” Maria protested. “The kid can’t scoot out, and it can’t come out if you’ve still got your hose on.”

“No. It’s just gonna say in until we land. That’s all. I’m having my baby in a hospital with doctors and nurses who know what they’re doing, not two soldiers, a playboy, and while you’re lovely Maria, you aren’t a nurse, so no, we’re not doing this. The kid is just going to have to–” she didn’t get to finish, instead she just screamed. “Okay fine! Help me up.” She motioned to Bucky who instantly helped lift her to stand. It hurt to stand and rightly so, but they got her stripped of her underwear as discreetly as possible, then seated on some towels with a blanket over her lap to keep her warm, though the plane was plenty hot.

“I’m not a nurse but my mom had seven kids, Peg. I’m the oldest, you think I didn’t help? We’ll be fine, now I’m just gonna check how far along we are okay?”

“We? Seriously? We? I don’t see a baby coming out of your vagina, Maria.”

“Fine, you. Okay?”

Peggy rolled her eyes. Okay, so pushing out a human makes Carter cranky, check that off the list.

“I … I can step out if you–” Bucky panicked, this time she saw it and rolled her eyes again.

“Fine, go but…” she grabbed his hand again and he squeezed back, “I’m okay, right?”

“You’re gonna be so great Peg, I’ll even tell Steve so he can stop worrying.”

She smiled.

“Like you aren’t worrying.”

“I always worry, it’s what I do.”

****

“But we don’t have the crib built; I told you we shoulda built it! We don’t have a name either, the kid is nameless, and you had better have been kidding about Lester, Bucky. God, oh God!”

“Steve!” Bucky grabbed him by the shoulders. He was pale and wide eyed. “Hey, okay look this isn’t ideal I get it, but she’s a fuckin’ warrior man and she … we can do this.”

“We? Nuh-uh.”

“Steve, you let random strangers inject you with God knows what just to fight a good fight. You could have died on that table, and you probably would have had I known and kicked your ass for being so stupid.”

That made Steve laugh, but he was still freaking out.

“Peggy needs us now more than ever, okay?”

“How are you not terrified right now?”

“I am, I’m just a better actor than you, and you’re the one with the goddamn movies. They’ll let anyone be famous these days,” he ‘tutted’ before shaking Steve once more. “Now, you with me? We go in there as a unit and we support our girl. She needs us to be solid right now, not falling apart at the seams. We got this right?”

Steve nodded, taking several deep breaths, much like Peggy in the other end of the plane.

“Good, let’s go. And Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t mention that time your Ma made you watch Mrs. Henderson give birth okay? No stories of death today.”

Steve nodded again, “Right, yes good point. Let’s go.”

****

Two and half hours, and nothing had happened but Peggy getting more and more agitated. She was in serious pain, but was, as always, so brave that she would almost refuse to scream.

“Peggy sweetheart, ain’t no one up here to hear you scream, holler the place apart if you need to,” Howard said on entering the section for the first time, three whiskeys on a tray. One for himself, one for Bucky and one for Steve.

“Ladies, I’d offer you something to drink but you seem … you know, busy.”

Maria just rolled her eyes at him and Peggy flipped him off.

“Who’s flying the plane Howard?” Peggy asked, as Bucky wiped the sweat from her brow.

“Automatic piloting, I’ll show you it some time.”

“Oh good, so no one is flying the place where this kid will be born, oh excellent,” Steve said, indignant before getting up and going to the cockpit– apparently to keep an eye. Howard just rolled his eyes.

“God, so much blood on my plane. Hasn’t been this bad since that time Ginger Rogers got mad at me and starting throwing crystal.” He shook his head. “You need anything? How far along is she anyway, any sign of this kid?” he moved into the section then, dangerously close to Peggy.

“Howard Stark you stop right where you are, you are going nowhere near my vagina!”

That made Maria laugh.

“Bet that’s the first time a woman’s said that to him.”

“Peggy how about I fill the tub for you huh? You look real uncomfortable and I’ve read that warm water helps, you know, with that.”

“It’s not a water slide, Howard the kid isn’t just gonna shoot out,” Bucky said looking to Peggy, and then Maria, “…right?”

“Jesus…” Maria rolled her eyes again, asking Peggy to start pushing. Bucky decided if he didn’t look he wouldn’t faint because, sure he could bash a man’s skull in and not blink an eye, but his girl was bleeding and in pain and it was a whole different ball game.

“Peggy you’re doing so good, so good!”

It took another twenty minutes when it started. It was happening so fast, or so it felt. Howard was rocking in the corner, eyes wide and full of fear, and Steve walked back in at possibly the worst moment as she was ‘crowning.’ His eyes and expletives told Bucky it wasn’t something he needed to see from where Steve stood.

“Okay keep going darlin’, keep going, you squeeze my hand as hard as you need to!” Bucky exclaimed as she held out her other hand and Steve rounded to the other side of her seat and took hold of her, one hand grasped the other at her shoulder, egging her on, as she got through the last hurdle.

“There’s the head!” Maria exclaimed, and she was beaming and sweating as much as everyone else.

“Yay it has a head!” Howard spoke from the corner, he was now fully seated against the wall, scotch in hand, raising it up, refusing to look.

“Okay Peg, just one bigger one okay,” Maria ordered and Peggy felt lank in their arms, she was sweating beyond belief and her whole body felt foreign, but she was still fighting.

“I can’t do this!” Peggy cried and they wanted nothing more than to do this for her, but that was impossible, sadly.

“You’re doing this, look at you, Peg,” Steve reassured. “It’s almost over, okay, just one more big one, one more, okay?!”

Peggy nodded and pushed herself forward and with that she cried out and there it was. Just like that.

There  she  was.

Startlingly blue and covered in goop, looking all kinds of squished, but there she was.

“You wanna cut the cord?” Maria asked the three of them and Steve’s eyes went wide and Bucky just laughed.

“Go on Stevie, go on!” Bucky nudged Peggy, and she nodded. Steve was filled with fear and awe but took the scissors and did it where Maria pointed before she wiped her off anyway. And that was that, with the biggest cry you ever did hear, she was born.

She was here.

“It’s a girl,” Peggy spoke then, exhausted, looking to Steve and Bucky as she did.

“Yeah, it’s a girl, and she’s _amazing_ , Peggy,” Steve answered. Bucky wasn’t sure he had a voice anymore.

Peggy exhaled and fell back into Bucky’s arms feeling spent as anything, as Maria worked over by the bench with the hot cloths and the smaller towel, Steve close on her tail.

“Here you go, momma,” Maria offered as she left the now pink and quieting tiny little thing on Peggy’s chest. Howard was crying, now standing in as much awe as the rest of them, glass still in hand, of course.

“Mazel Tov!” Howard exclaimed, coming closer still. Peggy spoke to her and Bucky took her little hand in his and looked to Steve who was, like a sap, just sobbing into his t-shirt, and yeah, Bucky was a little too.

“Welcome to the world, little one, where the men in our family do all the crying. And I’m no longer outnumbered.” Peggy laughed as the little girl with the shock of dark hair and big, curious eyes looked up at her. Bucky wasn’t sure what perfection felt like, but he figured that that moment had to have been close. Didn’t matter how Stark was looking at them in that moment, nothing else mattered.

Nothing.

 


	38. Isabella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where she gets a name, a lot of them actually. Where Steve turns a weapon of war into a kids play thing, and Peggy makes a decision.

Another hour passed and they were still in the air. Peggy, exhausted and breastfeeding, (another circle of hell she was also sure the doctors lied to her about!) assured him that they were more than willing to make a much needed pit stop in Los Angeles, originally for Bucky, but as it turned out mostly for her and the baby. No matter how healthy she seemed, nor how hungry apparently, she was still at least three weeks early, and to Peggy and anyone with a brain that meant she wasn’t ready to be born. The guilt she felt was unbelievable, but she hoped her strong cries and healthy appetite meant that she was okay. She was perfect to all of them, but internally Peggy knew it was still too soon. She hated that she was so far from home, as she wanted so desperately to go to sleep in her own bed, but it would have to wait. As fine as she felt, considering, she needed to make sure everything was how it was meant to be medically with herself and the baby and Bucky – no matter how much he protested.

Once the baby was fed Bucky more than eagerly took over burping duties and she found, bed or no bed, she was just willing to pass the hell out anywhere, including where she lay.

“You are just the most beautiful girl in all the world, yes you are. And seriously kid, you’ve seen your mom, right? So you know that’s some tough competition right there, but she’d agree with me right now. You are just the cutest lil’ cutie,” Bucky was sitting with her now; she was on his lap, facing him, awake. Steve couldn’t help but laugh at the voices, voices he’d never heard this man make in whole life.

“She looks like Becca,” Steve commented, sitting next to Bucky then, coffees in hand, smiling at her.

“Yeah she does a little; I think it’s the jawline.”

“Definitely a Barnes jawline right there. Your eyes too.” Steve nodded and before Bucky could think, he was agreeing with him. Because, well, it was true.

“I see so much of Peggy in her but she does look like Becca did when she was a baby, it’s funny–” and then he looked at Steve – Steve, who was still looking on in awe at the baby. And it hit him.

_Oh_.

If she looked like a Barnes to Steve that meant…

“Steve, she’s a _baby_ , she looks like herself, she _looks_ like a baby.” He tried to play down what was happening here, but it was hard to deny, as much as for Steve’s sake, he wanted to.

“Bucky…”

“No, come on she … _could_ be–” he attempted, desperately.

Steve shook his head with a soft smile, now a little sadder. It was something so small only Bucky knew to look for it but that was his sad smile that he tried to hide but never could.

“Your daughter is beautiful, Bucky. I’m so proud of you. Both of you.” He nodded to behind the curtain where Peggy was sleeping. “Honestly, look at her, she’s perfect.”

“You know, just because biology says one thing doesn’t  _ mean  _ she’s not equally–”

“I know.” He smiled then, looking up at Bucky, a real, happy smile. “Thank you.”

“Hell, don’t thank me. You won’t when it’s four am and she’s got those Carter lungs on her.”

That made Steve laugh before he took a sip of his coffee.

“Nah I’m good, I don’t run on much sleep these days anyway, don’t need to.”

“Well there’s no need to boast, is there? No there isn’t…” Bucky began talking to him in a normal tone but bled off into baby speak, Steve just shook his head.

“Nameless baby, this is Stevie, and Stevie hasn’t held you yet and that is just a crime.”

Steve’s eyes widened.

“Oh, no, Bucky, you know how clumsy I am–”

“Steve she’s like a six pound weight, and she’s like a little wiggly loaf bread right now, you can do this.”

Steve didn’t move so Bucky sighed and stood up.

“Put down the coffee.”

Steve did and stood up too, wiping his hands on the front of his jeans.

“Don’t be nervous, she’s … she’s ours. You won’t hurt her.” 

“What if–”

“You won’t hurt her,” he reiterated, before scooping her up and placing her ever so gently in Steve’s arms.

She was feather light and warm, and Steve couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped his lips before a big wide smile took over his face.

“Wow.” He looked up at Bucky, and he was smiling just as big.

“Yeah, pretty wow,” Bucky added before leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. “See, you got this. I need to go pee.” He nodded, as if pleased with himself before walking away.

“You’re leaving me with her?!” Steve whispered sharply, not wanting to startle her as she lay in the crook of his arm.

Bucky didn’t answer him so he thought best to just take a seat; less chance of screwing up if he was sitting down.

Her little fists were balled, one by her mouth the other just mid-air. She yawned and Steve felt himself melting at the little sounds she made.

“So yeah, I’m … Steve … and you … well, we don’t know your name yet but I’m sure it’ll be great. Bucky – that’s your Papa, he’s an idiot by the way. I feel like you should know now, saves the shock later on I guess. Don’t tell him I said this or anything, but he’s also the greatest guy you’ll ever meet too, so that helps.” He touched her cheek and she yawned. He was so easy; he was just completely enchanted by her already.  “I can’t believe you’re here. We’ve talked about you a lot … maybe you heard us … maybe you didn’t.” Then Steve thought of all the other things she might have heard and thought differently. “Actually you know what, I hope you didn’t hear anything because you know … the book says sometimes you can and well … you’re not ready for some of that just yet.”

She wriggled a little and his heart stopped, but then, oddly, it was okay, she didn’t scream or sense his fear, instead she nuzzled into his chest a little more, and he held her closer, her fist going to her mouth this time.

“That’s a good Carter fist you got. Your mom will have you using those before preschool I’m sure.” He smiled because he was an idiot that loved the idea of Peggy teaching this little girl to kick some ass. “She’s amazing, your mom. You know her, you’ve been there. Cosy right? All tucked up in there, sucks out here, it’s so bright and noisy I bet huh? But it’s a good place to be, most of the time anyway, that’s sorta what we do? Your mom, and Papa and I, we … well we try to make this place a better place for … well, for people like you.” I hope we don’t screw it up went unsaid, but he still thought it.

“Getting to know each other then?” Peggy asked, making him look up. She was standing in a robe by the curtain, her hair in a ponytail, no makeup. She was paler than usual and clearly tired, but Steve thought she still looked radiant.

“Yeah, we are,” he whispered. “She’s pretty cool Peggy.” She smiled as she came to sit next to him, not wanting to disturb her. She was drifting off.

“You want–”

“I do, but this is too good. She seems happy, unless you–”

“No – No…” he looked down at her as her little eyes fluttered closed and Peggy touched her fist. “We’re good.”

They sat in silence for a minute or so, just looking at her and then each other. That’s when Bucky came back around, whistling to himself like a fool.

“Hey what are you doing up, Peggy? Come on, you promised.”

“I did, and I am. I’m … well I need a shower frankly.” The less said about after-birth the better, “Did you know Stark has of those here? I mean he said it’s tiny, but praise Jesus.” She rolled her eyes. “I couldn’t sleep anyway, and she doesn’t have a name.”

“She’s hours old.”

“She needs a name, James.” They all looked at the baby then, snoozing away on Steve’s biceps, lucky girl.

“You have something in mind, don’t you? No way you’d have sat awake if you didn’t,” Steve asked, in a whisper and Bucky just laughed before Peggy sighed and stood up.

“Well I think it’s important that she have her own name, you know, but also that maybe … we you know, incorporate some ladies that went before her.”

“God please tell me you’re not naming her after a Queen or anyone from England that chopped off anyone’s heads’ once upon a time?” Bucky joked, but it earned him a slap on the arm.

“Shh, and no.”

Steve just laughed.

“Okay, it’s just an idea and it’s what I wanted to talk to both of you about because you know, everyone should have input even though I made her and birthed her did _all_ the hard work and whatever…”

“Continue…” Bucky said, this time reaching for the discarded coffee Steve had brought him. Peggy stood in her robe, as if she were giving a meeting at work.

“I like Isabella, you know how we discussed?” They had. She had been Peggy’s maternal grandmother and she had more memories of her as a child than her own parents; kind memories of a small woman with a sweet smile and bright green eyes. Steve and Bucky had no objections, “But I also think that Rebecca should be in there somewhere, I didn’t have any sisters … and I feel like she would have loved her Auntie Barnes.” Bucky just smiled a small smile before sipping his coffee. Of all his family he'd been closest in age and in personality with Becca.

“Peggy–” Bucky began, cutting her off because she was starting to cry, and pretending she wasn’t.

“No, I’m fine I’m not sad I don’t know what this is!” She waved at her face trying to air out her tears or something, Steve wasn’t sure. She grabbed his t-shirt then with a soft smile. “And I also have always loved the name Sarah.” Steve felt his heart jump, and couldn’t help but smile. “But I don’t know which one to choose,” she said, this time allowing Bucky to hug her. Bucky looked to Steve as if it say ‘what do we do about the crying’ but Steve merely shrugged. Sometimes people just had to cry.

“Well, who says we gotta choose just one?” he offered then.

“That’s right, Catholics like to name their kids lots of names,” Bucky began and it made Peggy look up at him. The topic of religious child rearing always riled her up and he knew it, the fucker. Also Steve was sure he was just saying that, as if multi-naming was just exclusive to Catholics.

“James Barnes we are–”

“We are not having this conversation right now,” Steve interrupted softly. “She needs a name, and honestly they’re all good ones. All real good ones, and she should be named after some amazing women, since she came from one too.”

“Smooth Rogers, real smooth.” Bucky bit with a smug smile of his own that got him another gentle slap, and he grabbed her and held her close as they both looked at Steve and the baby.

“So are you Isabella Rebecca Sarah Carter-Barnes-Rogers or–” Bucky spoke softly to her.

“My God she sounds like a very large law-firm,” Peggy added with a giggle.

Steve laughed too, trying to hide it.

“She’s Isabella Rebecca Sarah… Barnes,” Peggy added then with finality. “The world isn’t ready for all her hyphens.” Steve nodded in agreement with a grin.

“It would be cruel, too many names, too many questions,” he added, stroking her chubby little cheek. “Kinda honoured that my mom’s in there though, she’d have loved her.”

Bucky smiled.

“They all would have, and doted on her something fierce.”

At that Peggy let out a tiny sob. “I can’t wait until my body is back to normal, this is just awful!” she all but wailed before disappearing behind the curtain again.

“Ho – shit. Peggy, do we realise what her nickname will be?” Bucky called softly knowing she’d hear him. And he gave it a second before it sunk in.

_“Ah Jesus Christ!”_ he heard from behind the curtain, and he instantly began to laugh, without the attempt of keeping it in.

“Bella Barnes,” he laughed.

Steve knew the story of her knife, the one that used to live between her legs, and then he too dissolved into soft giggles, careful not to wake the baby.

Not to wake the new Bella.

Peggy may have scowled to herself until they got back to New York.

 

***********

They were an hour out, Peggy had passed out and Maria had too. Bucky had drifted off about a half hour before, and Howard was thankfully awake and piloting the plane. Bella was down for the count and all Steve could do was marvel at her in his arms. He didn’t get tired easily these days, so it was an advantage being awake as long as he had been, and still being able to enjoy the moments alone with her as everyone else slept. He was lost in thought looking out the window when she started to stir. He didn’t want to wake the others, not unless it was completely necessary. They had all been through so much and deserved to sleep until they landed at the very least, so he attempted to keep her occupied, content, just not crying? So he walked, bumping her in his arms gently, shushing her softly, he may have sung a few off key bars of ‘You are my sunshine,’ as it was the only kid-friendly song he could remember. The war had kind of ruined him for songs that weren’t dirty or death filled.

“Oh shit, ohh, shit, okay, no shouldn’t say shit. Sugar, oh sugar, okay kid work with me here you aren’t hungry, or windy, or…” he sniffed her butt, but no she was fine, “no so you’re good here, are you just bored, am I boring you? Bucky says I can be boring when I’m not jumping out of planes, and with you here that’s not really an option right now, so…” She was wrapped in one of Bucky’s shirts. Peggy had packed for them both when she’d come and got them, and thankfully it included a change of clothes, so she was currently sporting some very haphazard baby fashions in the way of his white v-neck tee and a silk scarf belonging to Peggy made into a very well fashioned diaper. Bucky was a diapering pro, apparently.

She was pitching a fit, all red and annoyed and nothing he was doing was working, so he had an epiphany of sorts.

The shield.

It sat against the chairs near the back, strapped in to save it from sliding off during landing, and he had the best idea of his life, or so he thought. So he took the shield, the symbol of his fight, the symbol of so much violence and pain, the thing that he relied upon to protect himself and others, and turned it into a baby rocker.

He flipped it painted side down and undid the handles, and he put one of the blankets down first to make it soft and safe, and then he placed the tiny girl inside his shield, tucked her in and began to rock it, side to side, softly. And sure enough, she eased. She stopped fussing, only breathing and the odd squeak came from her little self as Steve sat on the floor of the plane legs crossed with her in front of him, fist to mouth happy.

“Oh yeah, I’m awesome, look at you all _not_ crying and I did that, and we didn’t wake them and we did it, kid! Captain Dad yup, hi, that’s me.” He was smiling down at her when he heard the giggle. He turned around with a blush to see Peggy standing by the empty rows of seats, dressed now in pants and a sweater, her long brown hair tied in a high ponytail. She looked tired and pale still, but happy. She was laughing at him.

“Captain Dad huh? Should that be an official name change?” she asked, walking over quietly and sitting down gingerly on the floor with them both, she tapped the shield and it rocked again.

“I don’t know how Washington would feel about that,” he said as his blush grew deeper. She just laughed again before leaning over to kiss him.

He welcomed it, snaking his hand to her neck to deepen it.

“This is amazing, Steve. You’re a genius, really,” she said as she pulled back, stroking the blanket softly. “Thank you.”

“Oh, it was nothing she just–”

“I mean, for everything, for being so…” she sighed, “I don’t know, gracious about this whole thing? Most guys when they had their hopes on something would have been angry, maybe that she … the situation didn’t turn out like they’d hoped. And I know you hoped–”

“It doesn’t mean I don’t love her as much, or that I’m not so happy for Buck,” he whispered, mindful of where they were.

She linked her arm with his as they both sat, continuing to watch their little girl bob happily in an instrument of war.

“Bucky still passed out?”

She smiled and nodded before resting her head on his shoulder.

“Yeah, I think it took a lot out of him.”

“You were the one doing all the hard work, Peggy.”

“Not that!” she laughed. “But maybe that too, I don’t know, either way, he’s wrecked but refusing to admit it.”

“We did get blown up…”

She squeezed his arm.

“I’m so glad you made it out, as well as Agent Fury. I just … my heart sinks for the others. We have to tell their families, and I know Gonzales’ mother relied on his wage, it’s going to be difficult.”

“We’ll figure it out, we always do.” He tapped the shield again making the baby bop.

“I’m just so glad … I don’t know what we’d do without you, you know that, right?” Peggy asked, squeezing him, a sob in her tone and it broke his heart.

“You’ll never have to know, I promise. We’re in this for life, Peg. Hydra can’t touch us.”

She prayed to whatever God was listening that that would remain true.

****

LA to the airport, to the hospital and to Howard’s, to the airport, to New York, to home. It had been a whirlwind of a weekend, and Peggy was just done. So done. All she wanted to do was curl up in her own bed, in front of a big fire, with her family, and block out the rest of the world. She didn’t want to talk retaliation, she didn’t want to take revenge, she wanted to do simple things, like watch her baby sleep, freak out when her baby cried, and honest to God wonder what was in breast milk to make her poop like that, because that shit was not normal. Maria had ran out and bought her some clothes, a basket and a travel-appropriate cot when she was being checked out in the hospital. The threesome had been unwilling to leave her side for most of it, getting them all funny looks from the doctors – though thankfully they put it down to first time parents and Captain America being, well Captain America.

Bella was fine, miraculously, she was just about perfect. She had some issue with her lungs – and when Steve heard that his face dropped, and Peggy knew that his heart probably did too. But to their relief it was a minor thing that they said would ‘work itself out’ because she was female, and a good size; a ‘chubby Barnes, seven and a half pound exactly,’ Bucky joked. She was allowed to go home, check-ups with her own doc back home scheduled etcetera, but Peggy had taken her first deep breath since she’d been born at the news, so when they finally got back to New York all four of them wanted nothing more than to sleep.

And sleep they did, even the newest edition to their shrinking room. They all slept for a solid six hours.

It felt like heaven to Peggy.

******

“I don’t … no, I know this … ok no look it’s not staying on, did you get the right ones?”

“They’re cloth Steve, just wrap it!”

“I am wrapping it, look her little ass keeps wriggling out, okay, kid, work with us here ok no–”

At that he made a break with her in his arms to the sink. Not amused.

“She peed on me, _again_.”

“She likes you,” she heard Bucky between gasps of laughter.

“This isn’t funny Bucky, how can we not do this? It’s a diaper.”

“We can disarm bombs but not a baby?” she heard Steve grumble as she walked into the living room, which in itself looked like a bomb hit it. Blankets, powder, cloth diapers, pins…

“You should have woken me,” she spoke, padding in in her nightie and dressing gown.

“Nah it’s fine, just some unexpected friendly fire,” Bucky commented with a grin before leaning in to kiss her cheek. “I made you tea, it’s on the stove, and there’s scramble and bacon, Steve was on toast duty but–”

“I’m a little busy!” he called from the kitchen and when she peeked her head in the door there he was, cradling a very naked baby in one arm, and mopping the floor with the other. It was a hilarious sight.

“Give her here. Come on love, what are you doing to these boys huh?” And just like that she stopped wriggling and let Peggy do her up in the proper sized cloth, before wrapping her back into the discarded white onesie, adding her pink blanket to swaddle.

“Damn you’re magical,” Steve added before pushing bread down on the toaster.

Peggy smiled.

“I thought I’d be worse at this than I feel, but she’s not so scary once you get to know her.”

“Like mother like daughter,” Bucky added, retrieving the milk from the fridge. Since when did they have food?

He read her face.

“I popped out to the store this morning, and the deli too, there’s a ton of stuff in the larder. I figure you’d want to be at home for a bit, rest up.”

And Peggy was crying again.

_ Fucking hormones. _

****************

The first week of Isabella Barnes’ life was one of cuddles and questions, and Steve talking to himself out of muddled frustration. Bucky was constantly floating on a sleep deprived cloud, and wanted to capture everything forever in a bubble and relive it whenever things got bad, which he knew they would eventually, because eventually they’d have to leave the house for more than food or shopping. There were more random photos taken of everyone in her first weeks here, than Steve had taken in a year. And yet, no one was complaining. Everyone had come for a visit. Maria was first on the list, even Howard called with food and baby things he was sure Mr. Jarvis had picked out, but it was still welcomed. Angie was stuck at her Aunt’s across the country but had called and made Peggy promise she was due cuddles when she got back. Three agents stopped by to say hello, and a few of the new assistants also stopped by with flowers – and sixteen case-files, because yes, work was still there.

All in all, Peggy could get used to the whole ‘people come to you’ thing.

Peggy experienced her first hit of friendly fire one afternoon when she’d been too busy attempting to remember rhymes from her childhood mid-change and this got peed on everywhere. She’d need to speed things up if she was to attempt to change her on her knee again, lesson learned, and one pair of pants left to soak. For the most part her fears so far had proven to be pointless. She wasn’t scared of her kid, and her kid wasn’t scared of her. Hell, Peggy would go as far as to say the kid even kind of liked her, and this was at times when it wasn’t boob-time too, so that was a plus.

She was a sweet baby though, Peggy knew that much. She figured that she got that from Bucky’s genetics, because she remembered clearly her grandmother always talking about what a fussy baby Peggy had been, constantly restless even in her sleep. Whereas Issie was contemplative, if Peggy had to pick a word; she wasn’t fussy, she didn’t make strange with strangers – though Bucky assumed she should have with Angie on principle that she was his kid, but no, she just took them in – for all her sight allowed her, but she did. She let them talk to her and mused at it all with a look of ‘huh okay’ on her little face. There were mornings when Peggy went to check on her and find her fully awake too, just lying there, enjoying her own company.

Peggy smiled to herself at the thought. As an only child she had to get used to her own company real quick. Maybe she took that after her dear old Ma’ after all.

Three weeks into her leave and Peggy was going a little nuts. She was still contemplating going back early versus not going back at all, torn between duty and well, duty with smiles and hiccups, but she knew one or the other couldn’t be given up. Her girl needed her but so did her SHIELD, and she knew when the time did come when the lazy mornings and twice a day naps ended, Peggy would mourn their loss. For the time being though, she snuggled into bed, a book in one hand and her baby on the boob, waiting for little miss to signal when she was done so the second nap of the day could commence.

Maybe nap times should be mandatory in jobs, Peggy mused before turning her attentions back to her trashy novel.

****

“Nah, something, I don’t know, _prettier_?”

The shop assistant smiled. “First baby?”

“That obvious huh?” he asked, holding up two very frilly pink dresses, one had a baby hat and the other a bonnet. Maybe the bonnet was too much?

“It’s for Christmas photos, so–”

“Oh, well if it’s for that then you should see these in red, they’re beautiful too in red. There’s even one with a velvet skirt.”

“She’s less than a month old she doesn’t–”

“Steve, shush,” he nudged him, rolling his eyes playfully for her benefit.

“We’d love to see them, thank you.”

“Seriously, velvet skirts?”

“What? It’ll be pretty.”

“She’s pretty in everything, Buck, that’s the perks of being a baby; they’re adorable in their diapers for heavens sakes.”

Bucky smiled. Yeah she was.

“So really, spending … _Jesus_ …” Steve put down the price tag, he knew he shouldn’t have picked it up at all. They were in one of Manhattan’s most expensive stores, and for kid’s clothes. Sheesh, for such little material, and it just didn’t make a damn lick of sense to him.

“You know that was once a month’s rent for us.”

Bucky merely scowled.

“Seriously Rogers, you gonna do this now? We’ve already spent a fortune, so what’s a little more.”

Their day of Christmas shopping had proven fruitful; they had left Peggy and Bella at home, relaxing and snug, where Steve kind of wished he was too. Snow, New Yorkers, and getting recognised, and cab finding nightmares … he was just so done, so very done. But not Bucky.

“More,” he deadpanned. But he couldn’t deny seeing Bucky so damn happy made his heart swell. He wasn’t just happy, he was goddamn glowing. He was in love with that kid and everything she brought to their lives, and in her short life already she had transformed his. Well, Steve adored her too, he did, but he knew there was probably something a little deeper there when it was biological, not that he’d ever say it out loud, because it didn’t matter most days, it really didn’t. He loved her from her tiny little toes right to her curious little eyes, she was amazing and he’d love her forever, but still, he knew, it had to feel even deeper knowing…

“What do you think, look how stinking cute this is!” he was shook with the sound of Bucky’s voice, laughing as he held up the mannequin baby. Complete with black shoes and little white socks.

He shrugged, resigning himself to just letting his guy go nuts.

“Come on, Buck up Rogers we still got Peggy’s gift to get yet!”

_Oh yay._           

******************

Peggy looked up from her seat by the window, little bundle of snoozing joy in her arms as Steve walked in, the brisk air following him and without saying a word landed face down on the couch. She couldn’t stifle her laugh.

“Long day?” she mused and he just groaned without moving.

“I at oh boyfond ‘o muh,” came the muffled response and it made Peggy giggle again, this time as whirlwind Bucky came through the hallway with a shout.

“I have nothing here, _nothing_ , don’t follow me,” he said before he took the stairs, she assumed, two at a time with whatever he had with him. It made Steve turn around and glare at her.

“Christmas shopping?”

“The man is a menace to society, Peggy, he has to be stopped. Do you know, God, do you know how many stores he had us look in today?”

“A lot?”

“Probably all of them, I … hate him. I hate shopping.” He groaned, turning over fully, still laying there in his coat. “ _Sir would you like this gift wrapped_ – I swear to God.”

Peggy laughed before getting up and walking toward him.

“Here, hold your daughter. I’m going to pester him into tell me what you got me,” she added with wide eyes.

“Yeah good luck with that, I was banished until he got mine I wasn’t allowed to carry any of the bags either. He’s gotten really weird.”

“He’s always been weird. It’s why we love him,” she added before pecking him on the cheek in passing. The sleeping girl content to switch to his arms, to snuggle in, and Steve welcomed her special brand of snuggliness.

*********

Three days before Christmas the house that Steve bought closed, and there were celebrations afoot – a good news/Christmas dinner with their nearest and dearest, including the Commandos and their partners. Peggy was excited, Steve was ecstatic, and Bucky, well, Bucky was Bucky.

“I’m just saying, why do we gotta get dressed up to eat in our own house? It’s stupid, Peggy.”

He was lying in bed, Issie chilling out extensively on his shoulder nook, as they watched her raid her closet in her underwear.

“Bella, tell your mom she’s being silly.” He moved her hands as if to say ‘why,’ and Peggy rolled her eyes and tried another dress. Nothing was zipping up. She wasn’t going to cry.

She wasn’t.

“What about this one?”

“Didn’t you wear that to Major what’shisface’s funeral?”

“Well, yes, but it’s basically all that fits me right now.”

“In that case it looks fantastic.”

She threw a pair of socks at him which he caught expertly of course.

Wanker.

“Peg come relax with us for a bit will you? Steve’s gonna be gone all day, let’s just relax.”

“I can’t, I want to look nice and I need to get the living room gutted out, and I need to make sure we have a guest room done up in case anyone needs to stay … I need–” she was making lists in her head inside the closet.

“You need to come sit down and breathe, love. The party will be fine, and even if it’s not, no one cares.” He appeared then, wrapping his arms around her waist as she was standing there in her girdle, stockings and bra, not really giving a fuck. “Come on.” He handed her her robe, and she went – noticing the baby was in her Moses basket by the bed now.

“Peg, I know you’re stressing but there’s really no need. They’re all our friends and they just want a good dinner and some good drinks, that’s it. Wet the baby’s head, so to speak, and wish us Merry Christmas, and go home.” He shrugged, pulling her onto the bed with him, before wrapping them in the quilt. She went willingly, liking it a little too much when he did this. “So I’m going to need you to relax.”

“I’m relaxed, I’m always so relaxed,” she lied, looking up at him through her lashes. He smirked before leaning in to kiss her. They had done a lot of that lately, kissing. And only kissing; it was as if, since she’d had Isabella, they’d both been afraid to touch her. She knew the doctor said at least six weeks before any uh, action, but really she was getting damn tired of being treated like glass.

She sighed softly when he pulled away.

They sat in sweet silence for a little bit before she shifted, moving out of his grasp, as cuddlesome as it was, to her ‘side’ of the bed.

“I just worry, having people here, questioning … things.”

“I’ve already made up Steve’s floor, hell, even left some clothes laying around in case anyone goes up for a nosy. It looks utterly lived in. I know everyone thinks Steve is this neat freak but let me tell you…” he smiled. “They’ll buy it. Besides, he’ll be too busy showing off the new house for them to want to even look up in here.” He winked, like the fool he was. She only hoped he was right. “But … I don’t want to talk about that, not right now.”

“Oh, and what do you want to talk about?”

She could have sworn he blushed.

“I’ve been trying to get you alone all week, but you kept shooting me down, woman,” he joked with a dramatic sigh. “So I figure just go for it. I want to talk to you about us, about us and Bella–”

“Issie…” 

“Bella…” he said again, this time with his trademark smirk, they both knew it drove her nuts. “Anyway, look, it’s fine now, she’s tiny and wriggly and what not, but she … things aren’t always going to be this easy.”

“Four AM breastfeeding is not easy, Barnes.”

“Well, if you’d stop being _stubborn_ and use the weirdo pump you could snooze, but _nooo_.”

She rolled her eyes. He had her there. But it creeped her out, okay?

He got up out of the bed and walked to his jacket that was hanging on the chair by her vanity.

She couldn’t see what he was at, but he came back to the bed with a nervous look on his face. And he kneeled on the bed beside her.

“I had a whole plan, you know? First time I thought about this, there was going to be a park maybe, or a nice restaurant, and flowers, and candles, and just…”

Her heart started to pound. Surely he wasn’t going to do this?

“But that never happened, and then this time, when I thought about it, I thought about how much had changed, and how we’ve changed, and how though it would be the same question…” her cheeks were pink, his lip red too from being worried on and off through his teeth with nerves. “There’s a lot to … consider … but not for one second do I have to think about how much I love you, and how much I want to give us a tiny bit of normal. Because I love you, Peggy,” he added, cracking open the little leather box and inside was a stunning engagement ring, bigger than the last one, this one with three clear diamonds on a band of gold and smaller clear stones. It was breath-taking.

“James…” she was speechless, maybe for the first time ever.

He laughed nervously. “Steve helped me pick it out, a diamond for each of us 'cause he's a cheese-ball.”

“He knows?”

“Course he knows, Peg,” he smiled. “He’s okay with this, he gets it.” He nodded. “He knows that no matter what goes on behind closed doors, we’re not the only ones involved anymore, and I love you now, not just as you – though that is more than enough, but to add to the luck we’ve had. You’re now my daughter's mother, and that makes you the most important woman in the world to me.” He rolled his eyes at himself. “She’s second, but shush, don’t tell her yet.” The most important guy was Steve, which went without saying.

That made Peggy laugh, which broke the ice, and Bucky fell down onto the pillow beside her, ring still in hand, grin still on face.

“So whatdoyasay Carter? Will you do me the crazy honour of allowin’ me to be your husband?”

She laughed again, unaware of the tears that suddenly fell.

“You’re really doing this!” she added, putting her hands over her mouth.

“Am I mad?”

“Yes, but not for this,” she took the new ring, with the new meaning, and examined it up close. It was truly beautiful.

“Yes. Yes, James. I’ll marry you.”

“Yeah?” he asked, almost not believing it.

At that she let him slip the ring on her finger before she jumped to straddle him, both of them laughing.

“Yes, absolutely, I love you. I want to be your wife. I love you this, for thinking of us, and of her, and of what she needs too.” They both glanced over to where she was lying before focusing on each other again. “It’s not just us anymore, and we have to do what’s right, and what’s right is giving her whatever stability she needs, and if it’s showing her how much we love each other on the outside as well as in, then hell yes, let’s get married!”

He smiled so wide he was sure his face was going to break. He wanted nothing more than to take her then, make love to her all day, all night if he could manage, but they knew they couldn’t. At least not yet, she was a few weeks from pushing out a human in a premature birth. They weren’t pushing her for anything physical, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t kiss the hell out of her, or make her come with just his mouth – which he did, three times, before they pulled themselves away, because hungry babies are not quiet babies, and they demand attention, even if she could barely feel her legs.

***********

The snow was finally starting to slow down, so he knew he could make a break for the subway before it started again. Rush hour was long over, but he still liked it less than cramped. There was less chance of being questioned if it was quiet enough for a seat at least. So he wrapped himself in his navy double breasted wool coat and grey flat cap and bid Leesa – the receptionist, goodnight. She smiled, he smiled back. She was nice. Marion was less so. He was sure she hated her life, and him, and basically everyone, but Leesa was pleasant.

“Hey there, Soldier,” came the voice at the gate of the subway and he almost didn’t look up, except of course he knew her tone.

“Hey you,” He moved to kiss her and then realised where they were and they both felt the sting. She was bundled up in her navy coat and red scarf, a navy hat on top her head, her hair cascading in curls around her neck. She was wind chilled but beautiful with hardly any makeup on at all. 

“Fancy letting me treat you to a coffee and something disgustingly sugared?”

He smiled. “After a three hour meeting with Stark, and a two hour one with the hobnobs of Washington, that sounds about perfect. I know a place not far, you want to take the subway?”

She nodded.

They took the train, arm in arm, sitting side by side, silently. Him with his cap down as far as it would go, her bundled up with her scarf at her mouth. They exited and walked the half a block to the old hole in the wall that Peggy knew he loved, the one that served his coffee just so and always had at least six kinds of pie. Chit chat was made while they waited for their order of coffee black and pie hot, and when it arrived and he’d had his first bite – sighing happily, making her smile – he leaned back with a shy smile.

“So, are you ever going to mention the new hardware or am I going to have to wait for an invite to the wedding?”

She put the piece of pie back on the plate then.

“I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”

“How about, Bucky asked me the thing and I said yes?”

“Well, yes.”

He smiled before reaching over and reaching for her left hand, now adorned with the new jewelery, and he patted it comfortingly.

“Peg, come on.”

“I know, it’s just … he said you helped choose it, is that right?”

He nodded.

“You like?”

“I love.”

“Good, between us both we aren’t doing too badly then. It suits you.”

“But I just … it’s awkward. Now,” she shrugged.

And yeah, it was. But only because they were letting it be awkward.

“Nothing changes at home, he assured me of that, not unless you want it t–”

“No, never!”

“So then, nothing to worry about. It’s just, legally, you’ll be his wife, and I guess emotionally we’ll still be…” he looked around, leaving what might be overheard unsaid. She understood completely though.

“I just … with everything, with Isabella, and now this, I feel like we’re neglecting you in this partnership, and I hate that feeling.”

“It’s not anyone’s fault that Bella is biologically a Barnes,” he smiled, as did she, their jokes about rhyming also going unsaid. “It’s not a bad thing.”

“No, I know, but I just … want you to know that…” she lowered her voice still, “we’re as committed to you as to each other, legally or … any other way.”

He was touched, he really was. Her speech and heartfelt words, as well as Bucky’s constant, and honest reassurances that it changed nothing, he knew in reality it would a little, but they would try and make it not alter things too much. But, as he’d said, it wasn’t just them anymore, and they had that little girl’s emotional needs to think of as well as anything they could give her, and if that meant in the eyes of society at least keeping up the pretence of a twosome, then so be it. They sat in peaceful silence for a time, just eating and people watching before she finished up she fixed her fork on her plate just so, then sat back with a happy tiny moan.

“I really need to lay off the sweets, but screw it that was amazing.”

“It usually is here.” And they super-sized his pie piece. Not a bad perk, she thought.

“I wanted to talk to you alone though, not just about this – but to thank you for helping him choose something so beautiful, and meaningful too.” The three stones were his idea, and he was rather chuffed, as Peggy would say, that Bucky found it so sweet he dragged him behind the store when they left and kissed the life out of him for it. “But also, that um, well, I wanted to run something else by you.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Um, well,” she was honest to God blushing. “I want, oh God,” she laughed. “This is going to sound insane, and it’s a long, long, long way off just yet okay, but, I uh.” She couldn’t say it, the café got a rush of new customers, and the noise level increased, distracting her. Instead she took a pen out of her purse and wrote something on her napkin, and folded it and passed it to him. He laughed, it was almost like high school, had any girls been passing him anything in high school, he imagined.

His mouth gaped when he read it though.

“I don’t…” 

“I want to do that, and I want to do that with _you_ , next time.” She beamed; the words had said in her typically elegant hand, simply, ‘I want to have another baby.’ “I mean, if you want, only if you want to–”

“Of course I want to, if you want to?”

“I just said I did!” she giggled and took his hand. “I want. Just … maybe in a little while,” her eyes widened. No, they were just fine with what they had now, and they deserved time to enjoy their girl and watch her grow before adding anyone else into their mix of madness.

“Oh, yeah, shit, of course, no … no pressure, no… I wouldn’t care if it was tomorrow or ten years from now, whenever you’re ready, but I … I mean how could it work? Like, the making sure part?”

“I’ve been reading. Those many, many, many,” she smirked, “books you brought home were really insightful, and apparently I can track when I’m … well basically it’s math and we’re good at math so, it’s just a matter of, when the time is right we … um … do _it_. A _lot_.”

“Well,” he bit back a grin, sitting back. “I _think_ this calls for another piece of pie, don’t you?”

She laughed at him then, the urge to stretch up and kiss him almost too much.

“Go on then, you’ve twisted my arm.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I'm so so sorry this is later than I said, I wanted to post mid-week but it got turned around and delayed and ugh, so here it is now. I hope you enjoy the fluffy goodness (ahem while you can, muahhaa) but no really, thank you for the love on the last chapter it REALLY makes me happy xo


	39. The Future's Not Ours To See...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter what the past comes back to bite you in the ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holiday Season guys! Sorry for the delay on this but it's a big chapter in terms of word count and what we get through time wise, we've got something for everyone this chapter, including a very unsubtle anvil at the end. Don't hate me for it! ;) I'd love to know what you think, so hit up a review or pop by my tumblr if you wanna chat! xo

Bucky watched as Peggy worked the room with ease, and he smirked over his drink. All her fretting for nothing, she’d even allowed herself a glass of gin, though just the one she insisted but he wondered how long that would last. The Commandos and their wives and girlfriends showed up with gifts for the baby, and for Peggy, a good old fashioned ribbing for the guys, and a ton of alcohol. According to Dugan, wetting the baby’s head and toasting to Steve’s new house was a big enough occasion to come armed with at least three bottles of the good liquor Bucky knew he hated to part with.  Angie had arrived before everyone else, of course, but she had arrived with food so Bucky was almost pleased to see her constantly smiling face. And by the time it was time to sit down to eat, everyone had already had at the very least one drink, loosening them nicely. Before Bella had been put to bed, they had all taken a turn to hold her, and Steve even snapped some pictures before Dum Dum had patted Bucky on the back and congratulated him on a, “damn fine baby, Barnes, a damn fine baby. It’s about fucking time,” he added with a grin, and it set the tone of the evening, needless to say.

“So Steve, how did you and the lovely Angela meet?” Falsworth asked, taking a break from making her giggle with his stupidly charming accent, Steve coloured instantly. He was sitting next to her, with Dugan on the other side of him, Peggy was mid-bite and stopped to see what he’d say, her fork mid-air.

“Um, well, we met through Peggy, at SHIELD, she worked for Peggy.”

“Snatching up your employees, Peg? She tells me you encouraged her to pursue her acting?” Falsworth then aimed at Peggy, who just nodded.

“She’s good, why shouldn’t she aim for her dreams?” she added with a smile at Angie

“And what was it? A little office romance?”

“No, if it had been an office romance I’d be datin’ Peg,” Angie spoke up before comically winking at Peggy, making everyone laugh.

“You’d do worse than to date our Peggy,” Gabe added, raising his glass, to which Peggy merely blushed, shaking her head.

“But it seems like it’s going well, or so the New York Times tells us,” Dum Dum added, chewing with his mouth open like the gent he was. It was Angie’s turn to colour then, sipping her wine.

“It is,” Steve spoke, taking her hand on the top of the table and holding it before doing something very un-Steve-like and leaning in to kiss her. She gladly and rather enthusiastically kissed back. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat, but it wasn’t jealousy he felt, which in and of itself surprised him. No, it was amusement at just how fucking tight Peggy had a hold of her wine glass. Her face schooled into her Director Carter neutral, which meant she was anything but, underneath.

“Darlin’,” he whispered, “you grip that glass any tighter and it’s gonna smash.” She merely glared at him then before smiling it away.

“Anyone want more potatoes?” she spoke up out of the blue while getting up and going to the kitchen before anyone could even answer her. Steve looked up, concerned, but Bucky just subtly shook his head.

She’d be fine.

“Angie was tellin’ me she has a play coming up, is that right?” Dugan’s wife Carrie asked, and off Angie went with animated hand actions, explaining just what she had coming up, she had a captive audience.

“Hey, you okay?” Peggy didn’t jump but she would have. She had been so lost in thought she barely registered Maria standing beside her.

“Yes, sorry, just sleep deprived.” She smiled, finally uncovering the second bowl of mash.

“I just meant with Steve and Angie. You seemed a little tense.”

“What? No, don’t be … it’s fine.”

“It’s fine?”

“Yes, I love Angie and I love … I want Steve to be happy, so it's fine, they’re great together and that’s what matters.”

Her brows were knitted together for a second before they relaxed.

“I don’t know how you all do it.”

Peggy’s heart started to pound.

“What’s that?”

“You know, stay so close after what used to be. I mean, you and Steve were sweethearts or so Howard and the history books say,” she smiled. “And then Bucky is his best friend. I mean I just think you’re all handling it with such … class,” she decided, sipping her wine some more. “I don’t know if I could be so gracious with my ex, that’s for damn sure.”

At that Peggy relaxed. Jesus, she was so tense she was ready to scream.

When they made their way back out to the living room that was now housing their bigger dining table and a roaring fire, they were discussing Steve’s new house.

“I just figured with the baby, I was using up some space that might be needed.”

“Bull,” Bucky offered while topping up Monty’s girl’s sherry.

“I know they were fine with it,” he smiled, “but it’s time I got my own place anyhow, you know? And it’s as close as we’re gonna get and still have our own space.”

“Because we all know how codependent you two are on each other,” Gabe said. He was a smartass and Peggy loved him for it.

“Shut up, Jones,” Bucky said with a grin, but Steve just continued.

“Anyway, yeah, it’s in great condition, the woman that owned it before was like, you know, old money. So it just needs some fresh licks of paint and some of my stuff and it’ll be home.”

“Well, that’s just great Cap,” Gabe’s wife Michelle spoke up with a smile. Bucky was always struck by just how pretty she was. She looked like she was glowing no matter when he saw her, even with two kids now and a husband that worked private security, and running around while she ran their bakery, she always looked so elegant. “It’ll be a nice set up made just right when you finally get yourself hitched! I think you and Angie would make the cutest, whitest babies Brooklyn ever saw!” At that everyone laughed, and Peggy just dropped her fork.

No one but Bucky and Steve noticed.

Dinner and drinking went on until the small hours, everyone making sure everyone else had enough to eat and drink and get a word in edge-ways. But Peggy was on edge, they both saw it. She checked on the baby a few too many times, she excused herself to make a phone call, and disappeared for twenty minutes, she spent a lot of time mixing drinks. Talk of engagement happened when Gabe finally clued in and saw Peggy’s ring. Bucky noticed her blush, he also noticed the tight not–so-real smile around Steve’s face as he sipped his whiskey. He was having trouble keeping track of his people’s emotions, if he was honest with himself.

But beyond that, a good time was had as promises were made by the women of the party to allow them to throw some kind of celebration. Peggy attempted to shrug them off but Gabe himself was having none of it.

“Aw come on, it could be an engagement slash anniversary party, right?”

At that Steve’s interest seemed to pique.

“Isn’t that the night you guys really got your shit together? You remember that New Year’s, right Dugan?” he all but shouted, far too happy and drunk on the memory. Bucky just laughed, knowing what was coming.

“That’s right, I had sour puss Barnes here,” he said to Angie, “moping because of Carter, with his finger up his ass, doing nothing about this spectacular woman, letting her slip away because he’s a stubborn son of a bitch.” That, he aimed at Steve, and it wasn’t as subtle as Dum probably needed it to be. Steve merely took a large gulp of his drink whilst pretending not to notice. “And we sent Jones on duty to retrieve our good English boss lady, and turn Barnes’ frown upside fuckin’ down. And it worked; we figured you were banging in the car before you made it home.” At that Peggy slapped his arm; his wife covered her smiles, and Steve. Oh, Steve and his shitty poker face. He laughed, or attempted to at least, before excusing himself, he needed more ice.

Oh, the irony.

Peggy followed a minute or so later. She was nothing if not attentive to everyone’s dying livers. Even Steve’s. He knew she had other motives. With the way she’d been eying him up all evening the tension was obvious to him, and he was well aware what would happen as soon as everyone was out the door. He was glad too, as they hadn’t all been together since Isabella was born, and frankly, he wanted it and them so badly he was itching for it. Sure, they’d spent time and touched and cuddled and come, but it had all been tame and soft; which, while nice, wasn’t what he needed in that minute, and judging by the tense stance of both his loves, it wasn’t what they needed either.

In the slurred words of Monty, they needed a right seeing to, and he wanted to be heavily involved in the seeing. Hell, he planned on it in graphic detail as Dugan’s wife rambled on about some kind of special way to burp a baby.

***

She watched him add the ice to his drink from the ice-box – three pieces exactly – before he closed it and exhaled a big breath she had no doubt he’d been holding in too long.

“Hey, you okay?”

He smiled. It was fake. Her scowl in response was very real however, and when he walked over to her and pushed her against the fridge it disappeared. He held her there against the cold metal door, his hand possessively on her hip, his mouth dirty and wild, kissing her deep enough that that alone was making her toes curl.

As much as she hated to, she pushed him back a tad, looking to the door, just in case. He, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care. She knew he wasn’t drunk, but just for a second she wondered if he wished he was so he could write this off as drunken choices, reckless drunken choices.

“ _Steve_ –”

“Shh, just a second okay? Just kiss me.”

She kissed him, how could she not? His voice was thick with need, or sadness, she wasn’t sure which, but as he pushed against her, his thighs encasing hers as they stood ;she figured it was probably need. She felt small against him, like always, the way he towered over her. Everything about him was big now, big to match his soul and his heart, she thought. His arms, hands, height, and well … she allowed herself to get lost in his needy touch, his lips on her neck, his breath at her ear, his hardness rubbing just so against her skirt covered thigh. God she wanted to kick every single one of them out that second and have him on the kitchen floor. But reality hit them in the face with the sound of Angie’s laugh from the other room, forcing her to pull back without looking at him and walking away, to the sink. She held onto it and took a breath. She heard him hit the fridge door softly in frustration before turning to her.

“Sorry.”

“For what?” She turned to him, her fingers delicately fixing her stockings before moving to her lips to make sure her lipstick was still in between the lines.

“Out there, I know it upset–”

“Steve, stop. We know what we signed up for.” In both regards to Angie, and what he was forced to endure as she and Bucky were what was expected from a normal twosome. He rolled his eyes.

“I know that, but don’t make it easy … on anyone.” At that she touched his hand as it mirrored hers, gripping onto the countertop. Then Jones walked in, silent as the grave, and it almost made Peggy jump.

“Uh… sorry,” he said, looking at where their hands touched, she thanked the Gods for his late timing, had it been seconds before… “Peg we called a cab, we old.” He laughed. “And my wife informs me that weekends are my mornings with the kids, so I need some shut eye.”

She smiled.

“Sorry darling I’m a little drunk. First big night since the baby.” Thank god she’d finally given in to the weird pump thing. She had enough for the next day, allowing her the drink she so needed to get through that night. She wasn’t totally lying; she was a little light headed, whether from Steve or the alcohol remained to be seen.

Hugs and kisses and more promises of babies days out and an engagement party, and a ‘hell of a wedding Barnes, you owe us a massive party, we got you both together after all,’ and everyone was out the door. Well, everyone besides Angie.

“She … they think she um…” 

“Stays the night,” Angie finished for Steve, petting his arm as they all waved everyone off before shutting the door. Bucky noticed Peggy notice them, and her tight smile returned. Oh, she was in form tonight, he thought.

“And are you?” Bucky asked, blunt as always, and a very tipsy Angie just shook her head. “I called a cab from the bedroom phone, I hope you don’t mind?”

He shook his head.

“I asked for it in about five minutes, just to give everyone else time to go.”

“Smart,” was all Bucky said, moving past her to help Peggy clean up.

“Angie darling, do you want to take some of this home?” Peggy called from where she was leaning over the dining table. There was still a pie left.

“Nah, I’m stuffed, Peg, but thanks!”

A few minutes of tidying and clearing and they heard the discrete honking from out front. Angie and Steve had been standing by the window, talking in hushed tones, and Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle at how much ‘not watching’ watching Peggy was doing.

“What are you smirking about?” she asked as she carried more plates into the kitchen. The actual clean-up could wait. Little miss would be awake in a mere three hours if she was keeping to schedule, and she could do all this tomorrow anyway.

“You. For a spy, at times you’re really not subtle.” He nodded to the living room. She stuck her tongue out and he leaned in and kissed her, laughing.

“I don’t know what you’re–”

“Yes you do. The tension between you and Steve has been rife all night. It’s amusing actually.” Before he could finish, Angie came bustling in, all wrapped up in her coat.

“I wanted to say thank you, for tonight. Didn’t want to yell because of the baby…” she smiled, still tipsy, before going in to hug Peggy, who hugged her back. “Bucky,” she nodded, knowing better. They didn’t hug, they weren’t there yet. Maybe they’d never be there.

He had doubts if Angie was in the cab fully by the time Peggy had Steve pushed up against the front door. Her hands were pinning his big lunk of a frame to it with all her might, not that he was resisting in the slightest though. Bucky laughed at Steve’s inability to contain his moans and continued with the clean-up. They needed this. He wasn’t wrong about the tension, hell, even Dugan noticed, pulling him aside with a look, to which he could only make something about a case gone wrong to appease him. Though he wasn’t sure if it worked or not, either way, he didn’t ask again.

“Don’t mind me,” he announced comically, as Peggy all but jumped on their guy. How was he the one stuck with the washing up and Steve was getting laid?

“You don’t need a written invite, Barnes, get your arse up here,” he heard Peggy call from the staircase, to which he said, fuck the washing up and dropped the dishes in the sink unceremoniously.

Peggy wasn’t really sure what had come over her, but she wasn’t going to fight it. Even if the doc had said six weeks before ‘engaging in anything of the sort’ she just couldn’t wait any longer. She needed Steve in a way she’d never experienced before. This wasn’t just hormones, she would wager a bet it was, but with a rather unhealthy dose of claim thrown in for good measure. They had, all three of them, engaged in softer activities since the baby, both of them going far too easy on her, almost to the point of annoyingly gentle. She wasn’t made of glass because she was a mother, and she needed them to know that.

Starting with Steve.

Steve had made short work of her stockings. He’d buy her new ones, and her garter belts snapped easily, he yanked her dress up to her waist before yanking the top of it down, exposing her chest, her breasts, as he’d hastily taken her bra with it. She was breathless and smiling and feral, and he loved it. He loved that he was responsible for fucking up her otherwise always perfect red lipstick, smearing it across her face, and he was sure he was covered in it too. Glancing quickly at his chest confirmed it. She had stripped him of his sweater and shirt, leaving it hanging by his sides, but before he could even move to get it off completely she had pushed him onto their bed.   

“You don’t go easy on a fella, do you?” he asked between kisses, loving how utterly possessive she’d become of him. In fact, he revelled in it, realising in a tiny part of his brain he’d needed this. Craved it even.

“You wantin’ me to go easy on you, Rogers?” She adapted a very convincing Brooklyn brogue when she spoke, and his insides twisted with butterflies as he raked his hands through her hair and pulled her closer to him, kissing the breath out of her. She moved down his body and gracefully stripped him of his pants, hand her mouth around his dick and before he could even take a deep breath he found himself resigned to pleasure, just allowing the moment to be. His head tipped back of its own accord. All he could was focus on was her mouth, and what her hot, hot, wet mouth was doing to him, making his toes curl and his brain forget his own name.

“Hot Christ, Peg,” he huffed out, fingers in her hair, softly, he remembered softly. He’d pushed one too many times, and that was not fun for her. Softly, he reminded himself still as she sucked and lapped and just raked her nails down his thighs and Jesus wept!

He sensed Bucky walk into the room and half expected to feel the weight on the bed, but didn’t, and it took all his power to open his eyes, and when she did that thing with her tongue just right, he arched off the bed as they both moaned.

“Buck?” he asked, but Bucky wasn’t there. Instead he was on the chair by the window, slowly stripping out of his shirt and tie.

“Coming?” Peggy asked, momentarily stopping, making Steve almost whine in protest.

“Not before Rogers is seems,” he smirked, the soft light of the room making him look so young, Steve thought, before he licked his lips, willing himself to speak as Peggy went back to her ministrations.

“Come on, Buck,  _ come on _ , and just come to bed.”

He heard the small laugh, maybe he was whining after all, it was hard to tell.

“OH! God, Peggy, please…  _ Please _ !”

“I will Stevie, in a minute,” his guy answered, and he heard the clang of his belt buckle and his stomach knotted again.

At that Peggy did stop, pulled herself up his body slowly, before straddling him, and without preamble, pushing down on him, with her bottom lip between her teeth.

“He  wants  to watch, Steve,” she whispered before looking back, flipping her hair over one shoulder. “Isn’t that right, Darling?”

Peggy wasn’t moving and he was starting to sweat. Her breasts were touching his chest. Bucky wasn’t speaking and Peggy was just so hot, he wanted to die in her arms right there.

“Yeah, that’s right,” was the gruff response, a million years later, or so it felt to Steve. He didn’t dare look. Instead, he decided if their guy wanted to watch, they may as well give ‘im a show. 

“That’s right, Peg,” he reiterated and she giggled before moving her hips just so, and he arched his back again. She knew just how to work him, to get him so riled up that all he could do was hold her, breathe into her sweet smelling neck, and let her ride him as she wanted. He’d do whatever she wanted, however she wanted. Gently, he thought, she was still not ready, but she was all at once. He was so torn, but torn was the last thing he wanted her to be.

She was whispering in his ear. At first it was moans and sweet things. How she loved him, how she cherished him, how he was hers,  _ theirs _ , how there was no one like him and never would be, how he could get her to come by looking at her if he wanted – it was all designed to push him over the already delicate edge. But words just for him to hear, and it was working perfectly. What did it though, the kicker, was when she whispered, breathless and red-faced, her breasts bouncing – gently, he thought again, she was tender there too, she whispered, a simple “Look at him while you fuck me, Steve,” and he _did_. He looked, he made eye contact with their guy and saw him sitting there, wrecked, just from watching, pink cheeked and chewed lip, pupils blown and hard as a rock, and he lost it. Lost it on the eye contact, on Bucky’s one cocked brow. He felt her come, felt her tightening around him like a vice, and all he could do was hold on, push up and flip them so she was on her back and he was above her, fucking her through her orgasm as gently but as thoroughly as he could. He heard Bucky’s hitch of breath and it did nothing but egg him on.

It was a bit of a blur when suddenly there was another pair of lips on him, at the back of his neck, moving him, moving his face, and then there were Bucky-kisses on his mouth, and he was a little lost for half a second when it felt like he was floating.

“You’re both fucking magical, you know that, huh?” he all but huffed, hot and wet into his cheek, his hand rough on the other side of his face, pulling him back for another kiss. He gladly went before Bucky leaned over, pushing him further into Peggy. He never went fully soft after just one orgasm anymore, it took at least three … and she yelped before putting her hand to her mouth.

“Both ‘a you make me fucking crazy do you know that, Steve?”

He tried to nod, he did, but gave up. Bucky wasn’t really looking for answers, not when his already lubed up fingers sneaked gently at his ass, making him startle, but melt back into his guy’s arms, letting him in, one finger at a time.

“JesusFuckBuck…” came slurred words, he couldn’t help it.

Bucky’s free hand grabbed Peggy’s and they held hands. Steve was distracted by that. Why, he wasn’t sure, he thought it sweet, right before Bucky curled a finger inside him and he let out what was surely a less than manly moan.

At that, they all stalled. The baby had let a cry out from her bedroom, and it caused them all to stop.

“I’ll go,” Bucky attempted but Peggy just laughed, yanking him to her with their enjoined hands and kissed him quickly on the mouth before pulling back and rather impressively untangling herself from them both with ease.

“You’ve got your hands … _full_. Love, I’ll go.” She leaned again and kissed Steve on the cheek.

“Thanks for the good time, handsome,” she winked before walking across the room, grabbing her robe and leaving. Both men, in awe, watched her go.

It seemed wrong, almost, continuing without her, but once Bucky started moving again, this time pushing Steve down on his stomach, softly caressing his back, replacing his fingers with his mouth, suddenly the guilt faded because, “Jesus Fucking Christ, Bucky!” Steve felt him smile and it was the most amazing and annoying feeling all at once. “Sho … should we go help?”

“Peggy’s got her, there’s like three bottles in the fridge.”

He remembered then, the weird breast thing. “Right. Good.” Vaguely he heard her rustling around with the baby, taking her downstairs for example, but his brain was only working at half speed. “She … she’s good.”

“She is, very.”

He laughed then, nervously.

“She just … never seen ‘er like that before.”

“Mmm.”

“ _ Oh _ !!”

Bucky smiled again.

“Yeah, our girl is possessive, man.”

“It …” he swallowed over the feeling of his fingers again, Christ his body tingled. “It’s nice…”

“It is.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her with Angie you know,”

“I know,”

“I mean–”

“Stevie, I’m tryin’ to do something here. If you got a point, make it so I can fuck you, huh?”

“I kinda didn’t mean to.”

“Just kinda?”

He felt shame them. An odd thing to feel shame over, considering he was face down ass up but it took all sorts.

“Not hurt … but Oh,  _ God _ , Bucky…” he drifted then, he’d hit him in that place and oh yes. “I …  just … wanted to see what’d she do. She’s always so … so … oh, Buck–”

The other man laughed and Steve knew he was placing on the condom, then there was the snap of the lube bottle, he wanted it, and he was waiting for it.

“But?” Bucky pressed, in more ways than just verbally.

“So rational.”

“So you wanted her to get jealous and fuck your brains out, that it?”

He laughed then, uncontrollable as it was. At that, he felt his guy push in a little more, and he was done.

“Little bit,” Bucky was kissing his neck and he was inside Steve and slowly fucking him and oh GOD.

“You’re a bad man Steve, really, awful, how could you?” he deadpanned. And at that Steve got a not-so-gentle-but-still-nice slap on the ass and the noise echoed in the room.

“Horrible, really,” he half-heartedly agreed. “But it was worth it,” he conceded, making his guy laugh out loud and stop for a second before he bent to speak in his ear.

“Well how about you shut the hell up and let us both do you right, huh, baby?”

He merely nodded, his words weren’t working, and they weren’t for the minute or so of unrelenting fucking before Bucky slowed down a little, allowing him to breathe, knowing he liked it like this, slow and perfect.

“Steve?” he spoke, breathless.

“Hmm?”

“Love you, know that right?” he felt his fingers grip his ass then and he buried his head in his pillow. Yes. Yes, he knew.

Peggy knew too, as she rocked her suckling baby in her arms, she realised they really, _really_ , would need to soundproof their bedroom. 

And soon.

*****

By March they had gotten into the swing of things with Isabella, even if it took a while to learn how to ride that particular bike. Her first Christmas was filled with far too many gifts from all her new ‘Uncles’ and ‘Aunties’. Bucky went expectantly over the top on toys, and Steve being the dear he was, backed it up with sensible things like clothes, and a bigger crib – as well as finishing her Disney mural in her bedroom. She was far too small to even know, but it made them happy and it made her happy, so it was no sin in it, she felt. She had woken up to new things too, as her guys went a touch overboard on the whole ‘sorry you had to give birth on a plane ‘cause of us,’ guilt trip thing they were still on secretly. And while she had attempted to get them nice things, they were boys of the depression, and like her, were just happy with anything her loved ones thought she’d like. She was a practical woman, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t indulge in the nicer things every now and then. For example, her one splurge to herself had always been her lingerie. Working where she did, doing what she did, and being surrounded by so much horror on the daily basis, it always reminded her she was a woman and not a tool when she’d feel her silk underthings. Her guys took advantage of that a little too often after Bella, but it made her feel like a woman and not just a mother, and that at times she needed.

Isabella was a good baby that kept her Bucky Barnes blue eyes. She was quiet and curious as all get out, but she took her time in studying you, and her surroundings. Anywhere new got you the big curious eyes and annoyed cries if she was taken away from a good view. Kid was downright nosy is what she was, Peggy thought with a smile, as she attempted to feed her only to be pushed away. 

Today was a not so quiet day. She had her diva moments, as Steve called them. Nothing either of her dads couldn’t hush, leaving Peggy feeling slightly inferior, but Steve had more books, and Bucky had kid experience, which reassured her more often than not as time went on. It was just that Isabella had just been so delicate at their first Christmas that they ended up staying in, inviting Angie over for a late dinner, and eating and drinking far too much before Steve rather sweetly walked Angie home.

By January they had dodged a large engagement party in favour of dinner at one of her favourite places in Manhattan with a handful of their friends, much to Howard’s annoyance. He had been desperate to flash some cash, but even if she had wanted it she knew Bucky would hit the roof if she’d allowed it. So they kept it small, and it had been her first outing post baby, with a stranger looking after her. And by stranger it had been the Delancy kid down the street – straight A student and a really lovely teenager, but no, Peggy’s nerves were on edge, and she knew that Bucky was making one too many calls from the back room even if he did try and hide it.

The six hours apart were enough to put her off going back to work for another three weeks, and that was only because there was a crisis.

Between the baby, Steve and Angie’s fake relationship making every newspaper editor an old romantic, and a christening they kept putting off, plus a wedding Bucky and Peggy kept stalling on even planning, they all chipped in and made Steve’s first house a little less ‘old lady’ and a little more fifties bachelor. Though, they steered clear of anything they’d seen in any of Howard’s properties.

They weren’t going for THAT kind of vibe.

It was muted tan leather couches, and dark wooden floors, big area rugs, and plenty of space. It was, in fact, almost like her place, but with less clutter, less traces of a family. It felt calmer, and in a way that’s what it became. It became their sanctuary. If Peggy had a deadline on a report, or if Steve wanted to paint – the front rooms of the house got insanely good light, apparently, or if Bucky wanted to read or just nap they could, it slowly became that place for them separately and together. Of course it was also joined to their own place. A small discreet door was knocked through on the third floor, in what had been Steve’s living room in their place became the gateway to Steve’s entire house. The door sat behind a large but sparsely decorated bookshelf, naturally.

But their routine soon fell into place. Peggy took the very early morning feed just before sunrise. She got to sit and cuddle with her daughter in her Christmas gifted rocking arm chair, both of them under one of her fluffiest blankets, just Peggy, little miss and her chomping cheeks, and the misty Brooklyn sunrise. She treasured those moments, the quiet. Their lives were so noisy that the quiet was a luxury. After that, she went back to work, insisting on a normal nine to five for as long as was possible – which wasn’t often. But she rested easy knowing that when off duty, Bucky had her from mid-morning to evening, and then Steve took her from the afternoon until Peggy got home in the evening. Allowing all of them time to themselves, as well as keeping her safe within their family unit for as long as possible.

Peggy wasn’t naive enough to think that if and when they were all on active duty they’d need someone to care for her full time. But they were all avoiding that reality for as long as possible.

“Come on, Steve,” she said, giddy almost. She was in her field gear. They had been running through training modules all morning. She was worked up.

“No, Peggy. What even … no,” he brushed off and she laughed, pushing him again.

“I’m saying _fight me_ , Rogers!”

“And I’m saying no, Carter,” he playfully pushed her back as they walked back inside. “We have to set an example,” he added, looking back at the new recruits that were still being put through their paces.

“Right, because you’re all about the proper example, Mr. Break-Every-Rule.”

He rolled his eyes as the hollering from outside continued as they walked away.

She had hired an old-new manager for that particular part of SHIELD and she was sneakily proud of herself. She nodded to Chester Phillips as he stood, proud and tall, if a little older than she remembered him during the war, clipboard in hand. His wife had moved them to Florida for five years, and he’d had enough, his face when he told her tales of the heat was hilarious and it made it hard to keep a straight face herself. He had won the war at home too, convincing her to move back to New York a few months before.

“Come on you fools, my grandmother could move faster than that, and she’s been dead for thirty years,” his gruff voice rang out and it made Steve laugh.

“He really was an excellent choice. He’s so spry for a seventy-eight year old.” His eyes widened. Both of them remembered him and his ways from before. Turns out age changes nothing where he’s concerned and she loved it just a little.

“He got in touch. He was bored out of his mind and hinted strongly that I may need someone of his calibre.”

“So modest of him,” Steve quipped as they got inside the facility. Before he could haul the bags on the ground on his shoulder, Peggy had blind sighted him and knocked him on his ass onto the training mats. He let her once he realised what was happening, and let her over power him because it was all kinds of hot.

“You remember when I took you into one of these things and taught you how to throw a punch like a girl?” she asked, straddling him, the sound of their work just outside the door of the abandoned barn. Camp Lehigh was getting a new lease on life, just like Philips.

“Yeah I do. I also remember how hot you were doin’ it.”

“You never let on.”

“Oh please, I was practically shaking when you’d touched me, remember?”

She smiled. Yes, she remembered. Skinny and delicate, but determined. He had heart, and soul, and anger and he just needed to know how to channel that anger. Bucky taught him to fight like a man big and strong; he needed to know how to leverage what he had at the time, which was the element of surprise, the ability to duck and cover, and a sharp right hook. She knew then he had a crush on her though, the blushing and the hesitation was enough, but he kept staring at her arse too when he thought she wasn’t looking. Steve was sweet even then, but he was still just a regular man.

“What are you going to teach me now, Agent … excuse me, Director Carter?” His eyes were shining with mischief and she loved it. Instead of speaking though she just moved, deliberately slowly, grinding down as hard as she could through their thick gear.

“Oh I think I’ve taught you everything you need, Soldier.”

He bit his lip.

“Not everything, surely.”

At that she laughed, big and bright, so much so that a curl fell from her carefully arranged braid, and he longed to tuck it behind her ear. Instead she got off of him, and put out her arm and pulled him up off the ground.

“No, not everything, but that’s what home is for.” She bumped him with her hip again, before they started off, hauling all their crap into the vans. Training days were fun, he thought.

******************

“And I’m just saying, kid, but really we gotta work on your up chuck timing, honestly. At this point I’m convinced you’re doing it on purpose,” Bucky said with a look to where his daughter sat on the table in her bouncer thing. “This was a new shirt, you know?” He wiped and wiped before tossing the rag in the washer and closing the door. “Besides, we have other things to do like, say, convince your mom to marry me.”

He looked at her and she looked at him, four months went by in a blink and she was so big now, with dark hair and his eyes, Peggy’s mouth and her own little looks staring back at him. “I mean, okay, so we’ve convinced her but it’s the  _ convincing _ her part, you know? To actually do it? And I get it, it’s a huge thing, but you aren’t getting any younger lil’ lady and frankly I just don’t want to get to your eighteenth birthday and have you be pissed at us for not doing shi- things right, you know?” He went in again with the mashed banana, she liked it, she did, but she just also really liked aiming at his chest to throw it up. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” he sighed. “Anyway yeah, so it’s huge, but I get it you know? There’s a very large Steve shaped reason why us two getting married is kind of a pain in the … bottom.” God, he sounded weird trying to censor himself. “But, it’s not just for us, and Stevie understands, you know? Just because we vow to forsake all others doesn’t MEAN we…” he sighed, yeah, he knew why Peggy was putting it off. Hell, it was the exact same reason he was. They’d been to the church, talked to a priest, who was less judgemental of their situation than he anticipated frankly, and was kind of relaxed – for a Catholic priest. Bucky figured it was Peggy’s charm and his service record that did it, but he just smiled anyway. The priest had given them pamphlets, and copies of the mass, and the traditional vows. Peggy had been pumped until she’d sat down and read everything, twenty minutes later; he found the papers in the trash.

That was in early February, and since then they hadn’t really talked about it much at all.

“So that’s why the delay then?” 

Bucky almost jumped out of his skin.

“Jesus Christ, Rogers, what the hell?!” The tiny baby spoon and mushed fruit got dropped back into the little pink bowl. “How are you this sneaky now? You never used to be this sneaky.”

“Picking up a few things training the new recruits.”

Bucky merely scowled.

“Fine, sneak.” He picked up the spoon again and made noises as he fed the baby. Steve came over and kissed her on the head, before leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. His scowl faded.

“And no, it’s not the reason. Well, maybe it is, I don’t know, she’s complicated, that woman.”

“She is,” Steve agreed, heading to the fridge for some juice. “But seriously, if the vows are the reason, you know that I know–”

“I know. But still it’s just … a thing.”

“It shouldn’t be. It’s … yeah it’s not the nicest thing in the world to hear, I guess, as me, in the position I’m in, I admit that, I have admitted that.” And he had. They had talked about this then, but nothing ever came of it. “So you cross your fingers at that part of the vow, I mean if we’re going to hell for what we’re doing anyway, what’s another sin to the list, huh?” He smiled around the glass of juice he held to his mouth. But it was a fake smile, and Bucky’s scowl returned.

“Steve this isn’t a joke, you know? We’re not going to hell.”

“Sure we are, I mean the bible says–”

“Please don’t start with me on the bible.”

“You’re the one that wants to get married in a chapel, Bucky, and you want Isabella christened someday soon. It all happens in the eyes of God, and in the eyes of God we’re an abom–”

“Steve, Christ.”

“Don’t bring Christ into this, he knows more than me, it’s his Dad after all.”

Bucky didn’t respond, instead, he just aimed real high and flicked. There was a splat sound and Steve was hit with mushed fruit right between the eyes. Bella even laughed.

“You were saying?”

Steve just wiped, slowly, whilst fixing his gaze on Bucky.

“Oh, you wanna go, is that what this is, you wanna go, Barnes?” His mock serious Captain’s tone made Bucky giggle, he couldn’t help it. He aimed again and before Steve had time to react he was hit again, this time on the chest.

“Ok that’s it, Bella, your dad is a dumbass, get out while you still can, kid!” Steve added at the baby, happily bouncing in her little chair. “You…” he got Bucky in a headlock and dragged him off the chair. He fought back, weakly, fake, playful as you’d like, and he even let Steve get him on the kitchen floor.

“Steve, my hair!”

“Shoulda thoughta that…” He got him and managed to get a knee to his chest before straddling it.

“I surrender!”

“You? Surrender? That’s a first.”

“Yeah, well maybe this time I want to be taken back to your camp and interrogated.” He quirked his brows and bucked his hips.

“You are the worst.”

“You both are the worst,” came Peggy’s laugh-filled voice and they both looked up to find her standing there, Isabella in her arms. Shit, she was even sneakier, what the hell?

“Baby, what are these idiots doing huh? What ARE you doing?”

“I … there was talk of Jesus and then there was flying fruit.” Steve said, still straddling Bucky’s chest, though his hand was softly threading through his messed up hair. Peggy just rolled her eyes and turned on her heel.

“I’m going to change our daughter, you two … figure out your Jesus fruit and I’ll be back. Stick the kettle on please, I’d like tea!” she said, making her way down the hall to ultimately go upstairs. It left both men staring at each other.

“We got to get her to come around, Buck. Otherwise what’s the point in asking and sayin’ yes if she’s not gonna?”

“Maybe she’s changed her mind.”

He shook his head.

“That isn’t it. You know if she did she’d say. I think, we just have to … I don’t know, reassure her. I guess.”

At that Bucky pulled him down face to face for a kiss.

“You’re a punk, but I love you.”

Steve messed up Bucky’s hair again before getting up at warp speed and all but running out of the kitchen.

“You too, Jerk.”

****

It was mid-March by the time Peggy had her much needed freak out over the wedding, the one they all knew was coming. She’d had a few drinks one night after work and came home to find her guys and Isabella watching TV. Well, she was asleep on Steve’s chest, but it still counted. She proceeded to talk nonstop over her fears, her panic that was slowly building inside her that if they vowed in front of God and everyone they knew and fully intended to break those vows, that they’d be jinxed.

That they’d be cursed.

It took them an hour and a half to talk her down off the metaphorical rafters, convincing her that no, they weren’t jinxed, that maybe God was love, and if they loved each other it didn’t really count as breaking any vows. Maybe it was all bullshit, maybe they should just skip town and move to some remote village in Italy, like that one place they’d stayed in years before. Bucky was willing to do whatever was necessary to get them both - both Steve and Peggy – on the same page. No one was going to hell, no one was jinxed. If God couldn’t handle all the love in their home then that was his issue, but he chose to believe the big guy owed them this. After everything they had all been through, and continued to go through, they deserved a break. It made Peggy laugh, it made Steve giggle, his job was done.

They set a date for mid-May.

Peggy released the deep breath she’d been holding for months.

 

******

Elvis Presley’s ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ was playing on the radio, which Peggy found a touch ironic really. As Angie was fussing with her hair, Peggy took in her reflection in the mirror. They were in the chapel, in the backroom, waiting for it to be time, or rather, waiting for the priest to get off the damn telephone.

“You look beautiful, Peg, stop frowning you’ll give yourself wrinkles before your time,” Angie spoke, bobby pin still in mouth before taking it and yanking back her stray hair into place.

“Do you think God will smite me down if I walk up that aisle, Ange?”

Her friends eyes went wide before she came over and hugged her, no questions asked.

“No. Absolutely not, English, please. You run around saving the world, the world he created, and you think he’d hold this against you? Doing this for your daughter? If he did I’d need to have words with him myself!” She smiled then, fixing Peggy’s veil. “Besides, he’s got more pressing matters, you know, like the commie’s tryin’a blow us all to hell. So, maybe he’s too busy to smite today.”

She turned and looked in the mirror again, smoothing down the front of her dress.

“I just feel like we’re tempting fate. I…” at that the door was knocked on and they both jumped.

“It’s bad luck!” Angie called out and Peggy just laughed.

“Not the groom,” came the muffled voice behind the door. It was Steve. Peggy’s heart ached in that moment. No, no he wasn’t the groom. Her head started to hurt. “Can I come in?”

Angie rolled her eyes.

“If you must.”

At that Steve in all his suited up glory stepped through the door. They weren’t too formal, but it was still black with a white bow tie, his hair slicked down, his beard looking just right, trimmed and soft, his smile lopsided and timid.

“Hey. Um, can I talk to Peggy for a minute?”

Angie marched up to him and tapped him on the chest.

“Yes you may,” she smiled. “Peg, holler if you need me okay? I’m going to check on the baby.” She nodded to Steve, “You scrub up well.”

“You too,” he laughed back and she rolled her eyes at Peggy.

“Thanks Angie.”

Once the door closed with a soft click it left just her and Steve alone in the small room used for many a bride or a groom before the biggest day of their lives. Steve took her in, slowly. She almost felt bashful, her cheeks pinking.

“You look stunning, Peg.”

She laughed.

“I feel kind of ridiculous.”

“Bucky’s bet me ten bucks, says you’re armed, even today.”

“That why you’re here?”

“Nah,” he blushed walking up to her then, taking her hands. “I just wanted to see you, wish you luck, I guess?”

“Luck? Am I going to need it?”

“Marrying that guy? Psh.” Steve acted shocked. “The stories I could tell ya.”

“You’ll have to, sometimes.”

He shook his head then, squeezing her hands.

“No, at this point? You know him as well as I do, maybe … maybe even better than me. You know the man, I knew the boy.”

“Steve…” 

“I just … today is hard, okay? We all acknowledge that. Bucky’s back there pacing, freaking out, you know?”

“He is?”

“Mmhm, says we’re doing me wrong, all kinds of bullshit.”

“But Steve–”

“If you could marry both of us you would, I know, sweetheart, I know it. And you know, who knows, maybe one day right?” he laughed. “But, today you get to marry the guy we both love more than life, and who loves you back.

At that she did cry.

“I do love him, and I do … I do love you so much, you know that right?”

He smiled, his eyes glassy.

“I do. Pun intended.” It made her laugh as she wiped her tears, careful of her makeup.

“Not meant to make the bride cry anything but happy tears on her big day, Peg. I’m sorry.”

“They are happy tears, you fool.”

At that, there was a soft rapping at the window, making them both start. They turned to see Bucky opening the window, and climbing through.

“Are you serious right now, Barnes? I said stay put, that I’d check on her!” Steve all but stage whispered.

“I know, I know, sorry, I made a break for it. Angie is really obsessed with the neatness of it all,” he motioned to his suit, same as Steve’s, his hair slicked and parted on the opposite side. He wasn’t clean-shaven either, a little scruff, but it suited him. It was him.

“Besides, I figured this would be a good time, huh?” he wriggled his brows to Peggy and Steve just folded his arms.

“James Barnes, we are NOT doing THAT in a chapel!”

Bucky’s eyebrows went to heaven.

“What? No, you idiot, the other thing, and as IF I would. I may be a heathen Steven, but I ain’t the devil!”

Peggy turned and rummaged through her small white silk purse. She produced a ring, and Bucky had one in his hands too. Steve was confused, because he had theirs in his pocket. In fact he panicked slightly, and patted his pockets to check.

Yeah, they were there.

What the hell?

“Uh?” He was semi dumbstruck when Bucky walked up and kissed him, pulling back and smiling. “We were going to wait to do this later, but, well,” he shrugged, and Peggy smiled.

“Steven Grant Rogers, do you take us to be your unlawfully because governments that make laws are backwards, unwedded because religion, while comforting, is confusing and also backwards, husband and wife? Do you promise,” at that Steve burst out laughing, they all did, but Bucky powered through, “to love, and honour, and obey – just a little bit – every now and then – particularly in life and death situations – Margaret Carter, and me, James B. Barnes the first.” At that Peggy rolled her eyes. But she was grasping Steve’s hand in hers, and Bucky’s in the other. This was insane, they were insane, and in that moment, he felt like the luckiest bastard alive. He had two people willing to go to such insane lengths for him. He was beaming. “I do.”

Peggy giggled.

“I now pronounce us, blissfully illegally ‘trupled’ in unwedded bliss,” Peggy pronounced, slipping a ring on Steve’s left hand, and Bucky slipping it on his right. She leaned in to kiss him, and moved back so Bucky could do the same. He was floating.

“There’s also a chain for these,” Peggy added, straightening his now crooked bow-tie, ever the pragmatist, knowing if he sported new rings, questions would be asked. He could discreetly wear them around his neck, right next to his dog tags however. As much as an identity as they were after all. His heart belonged to these two people, and it was fitting he’d wear their rings over his heart.

“Alright boys, there’s a priest and two dozen people waiting out there.”

It was small, intimate, and they were having an after party at the plaza courtesy of a very annoyed Howard Stark; annoyed only because he didn’t get to plan a ‘goddamn lavish society shindig, Peg!’ so there was a show to get on the road.

“We’re mad, aren’t we?” Steve asked all three of them, now breathless and silly, giddy like kids. Bucky kissed him again, and then kissed Peggy, before taking her in, head to toe.

“Yeah we are, but most everyone is, in their own ways. This can be ours,” he said with a nod before she pushed them both toward the door.

“Go!”

They did, but Bucky came running back, slipping a little on the tile floor, holding on to the doorframe to keep him steady, that same flushed happy look on his face.

“Hey Peg? Did I win the bet?” he asked, and Peggy had to roll her eyes, before she looked around, just in case, before lifting her hem to her waist. She exposed her legs, and her garter, and the pearl handled knife Bucky had bought her way back when. He laughed so big and loud, she was sure the saints in heaven heard it.

“That’s my girl.”

“ _Go_!” she shooed again with a laugh. Yeah, they were all pretty much certifiable. But in that moment and in the ones that followed, she was elated, happier than she’d ever felt, maybe ever. She was loved, and happy, safe and well … they all were. It was, for a time, like something out of a story she’d read once, people happy and in love, if a little odd around the edges where people couldn’t see. But, still, they worked, and they worked so well in fact, that she began to take it for granted. And that, like all moments was the exact moment it all went to hell.

And for Peggy, it might as well have been a literal, first class trip.              

Bought and paid for by Howard Stark, supervised by one Arnim Zola.

 

* * *

 **A/N: I'm on[Tumblr ](http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/)if you are too ;)**

 


	40. Ordinary Lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where everything gets turned upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is this 40 chapters? What is my life?!?! Anyway, shock aside at the length of this story (so far!!) I really hope you guys like this chapter. It's angsty, and it'll be a tad angsty here on out for a little bit too, fair warning. But I love this idea and what follows, so fingers crossed it works. Reviews / chat as always more than encouraged!! Love you! Happy New Year! (Says that with this chapter, oh, self!)

_ Jan 1958      _ __

_ “Mom!!! Mom! Ma!! Mommy!!” _

“You go,” Peggy groaned, nudging Bucky with her elbow.

“Ugh no, she’s callin’ for you.”

“I went last time,” she attempted, face still planted into her pillow.

“Peggy please,” he begged, and yeah, okay.

The calling continued, and Peggy felt guilty even though she’d only closed her eyes an hour before. Their toddler was demanding attention. She opened one eye; it was 6:13. She wanted to cry.

Hauling herself up out of bed was a task, padding to Issie’s room even more so.

“What’s up, Is?”

Her daughter was sitting up in bed, hugging her rabbit, eyes wide.

“There was a monster again, eating my  _ toes _ .”

She was going to kill Howard. He liked to joke with her about feet eating monsters because feet were so gross, only monsters would eat them. She sighed and flipped on the bed side lamp.

“Look, see? No monsters anywhere.”

“Look again?”

Peggy made a show of checking under the bed, and in the closet, nope, nothing.

“It was just a dream, darling. I promise you’re safe as houses. Now, you think you can go back to sleep? Hm?”

She shrugged.

“Okay come on, snuggle in with Hopper okay? Down,  _ down _ ,” she sing-songed as she scooted further down her bed, and Peggy wrapped them both up. “Now, gimme a kiss.” She kissed her little girl, and then Hopper, because that’s how it went. “Close your eyes and count some sheep, you’re safe with Hopper okay? He’s got magic, right?”

“That’s what Stevie says.”

“Steve’s right.” She bopped her on the nose and turned on her night light, switching off the brighter lamp in the hopes of a few more hours shut eye. “Sleep tight and we’ll go to Gloria’s for pancakes ok?”

“And bacon?”

“And bacon.”

“And milkshake?”

Peggy just raised her brow.

“Sleep, young lady!”

She giggled at her mother before snuggling in properly. Peggy dragged herself back to bed. Bucky was passed out, his face into the pillow. Both of them had just returned from a transatlantic mission in France, leaving them exhausted and jetlagged. She rarely did this anymore, and the pains in her body reminded her why. After Isabella was born and a few too close for comfort missions, they decided as a team just before the baby had her first birthday that Peggy would bow out of field work, attempt at least to give their child one parent out of three that worked semi-normal hours. The boys continued to be part of Team Reckless, as evident by Steve having been on kid duty during their absence, but being called away as soon as they landed back in New York. They hadn’t spent any real time together in two weeks.

“She’s your daughter before sunrise,” she muttered and he merely snorted. She didn’t care what he said she just wanted to sleep. She was getting old, she thought. Flights and kids and nursing a bullet wound, it all just didn’t mix well. If she hogged the blankets off his ass, well, that was just an accident wasn’t it.

*****

“No,” he sighed, scooping her up and putting her back on his shoulders as they walked through the park.

“But  _ why _ ?”

“Because, that’s why.”

“But why?” she asked again, this time with a slight whine, gripping his hair.

Bucky laughed, she had been on the same route of questioning for over ten minutes. She really wasn’t taking no for a final answer. He was a terrifying sniper, a high ranking SHIELD agent, and he couldn’t get his two and a half year old to obey him.

“Isabella, you can’t have a puppy, we don’t have room for a puppy, and it’s not fair to them being stuck inside all the time.”

“But we go to the park, he could come too,” she reasoned like her mother, he thought.

“We’ve talked about this.”

“But that was  _ years _ ago, Daddy.”

It was in fact three months before, but he hid his smile.

“No dogs.”

“Stevie wants a dog.”

“Then  _ Stevie  _ can take care of it.”

It was her turn to sigh then, rather dramatically he had to admit.

“So hey, what will we get your mom for her birthday–”

She opened her mouth but he stopped her.

“And don’t say a puppy.”

She deflated.

“Then I don’t care.”

He just shook his head. God almighty, she was stubborn.

*****

“Ok now, little taps, that’s great just like that, see?”

“It’s like the sea!”

“It is, those are the waves!” he explained proudly. They were holed up where they usually ended up on Tuesday evenings - the third floor of his brownstone. There was tarp covering the wooden floor and his easel and hers stood next to each other. Hers was a hell of a lot smaller than his, but just as colourful, if a little less precise. But, this was their thing, their art. Today it was a watercolor beach scene, and while he was particular, hers was a glorious mess. They were both covered in their ‘special’ overalls, but paint was splattered from head to toe nonetheless. “Now dip the small brush into the white and we’ll draw some seagulls.”

“Ohh gulls!!  _ Quack _ !” She giggled, her wispy brown curls falling from their tiny braids at either side of her head. She had pink paint on her cheek, and he wasn’t even sure where that came from because on the page was all muted blues and golds. She had a way of making a mess even within a mess, he knew that much. “Can we get pizza?”

“We had pizza last night.”

“So?”

“Bella…”

She sighed. “Mom said more veg tables.”

“Vegetables.”

“But why?”

“You know why.” He looked at her sideways and she was concentrating on her picture. She had the same face Bucky would get when he clean his weapons, mouth in a pout, cocked to one side, eyes fixed and hands steady. He smiled.

“‘Cause it’s good for us?”

“Exactly.”

“But pizza is good too,” she reasoned with a shrug of her tiny shoulders.

“It is, but not too much of it, okay?”

“…’k.” She nodded.

****

Their routine now was one of necessity. It had worked well for them, too. They had made a rule early on that if Mom and Dad’s bedroom door was closed she’d have to knock, and she took heed and did as she was told from a really early age. So, it worked. It was fine. Steve was quick enough on his feet that he could stop, drop and roll before they opened the door to her, and as awkward as it was, it was just how it was going to have to be. She had been all of two when she was announcing to Angie that her Stevie stayed in  _ their _ house and not hers, and it was from then on that they had to rethink the logistics of their sleeping arrangements. It wasn’t ideal, but then again their situation was never going to be perfect. Nights were split sometimes, if one or both wanted time alone, someone would stay at Steve’s, or if they needed their space, the spare bedrooms were put to decent use. More often than not, it was a matter of getting her off to the land of nod, and then crawling in together with someone keeping an ear out in the night, for the pitter patter of tiny, nosy feet. They hated the idea of a locked door, it felt wrong somehow in the version of logic in which they prescribed, but it worked for now.

Their sex lives took a hit, but as always, Peggy had the perfect solution to that.

  


Her heels clicked against the hotel lobby floor as she grabbed her key and made her way to the lift, this was part of the routine. Once a week they met for ‘lunch’ in the privacy and comfort of a downtown hotel, for an hour or two of unadulterated adult time, where she didn’t have to force herself to be quiet, where they didn’t have to be on edge for something other than their orgasms; No, there was a locked door, and an island between them and the possibility of traumatising their child.

“Oh sure, fine, start without me why don’t you?” She walked in to find them both in robes, honestly, with wet hair. She kicked off her heels. “Some of us had work to do, you know that thing with responsibilities.”

“And  _ some  _ of us drove here on a bike and got splashed by a truck in the mud,” was Steve answer.

“Oh…”

“Yeah,  _ Oh _ . We were completely waiting for you.” Bucky smirked, and okay, so maybe they were, they were just lying on the bed listening to the radio after all. But she wasn’t naive enough to think nothing had happened in that shower. He got up and helped her out of her blouse, careful not to mess up her hair, though why he wasn’t sure, it would be messed up soon enough if they had their way. He kissed her first, deep and slow, before pulling her closer to him.

“Issie?”

“With the sitter, they’re on the way to the park with that kid what’s her name.”

“Lenny?”

“That’s the one, apparently it’s park day,” he said with wave of his hand, before pulling her back in for another kiss. She revelled in it, and melted even more when she felt Steve’s sudden presence behind her, his warm, soft lips on her neck.

She couldn’t help but sigh.

“Stark is MIA, I’ve been fielding meetings since eight am. I need this today.”

“Yes. You  _ do _ ,” Bucky agreed, sinking to his knees, kissing her as he went, her neck, her chest, her tummy, before carefully yanking off her skirt that Steve had so masterfully unzipped for him.

“But okay, no fancy stuff I only have an hour okay?” she blurted out and Steve burst out laughing behind her.

“As always, my love, to the point,” he commented before sliding off her blouse, and snaking down the straps of her bra. “No fancy stuff it is then.”

“Lunch meetings run long, Peggy, and you’re the boss,” Bucky offered with a smirk. Yeah, she hardly ever made it back on time.

***************

“Can you do it like Stevie?” she asked, and no, he really couldn’t. “With the curls in the end?”

“But your hair is already kinda… curly?”

“But more!”

“It’s a ponytail, kid, just keep  _ still _ .”

She sighed. She was three and she was sighing at his incapable ass, that was until Steve came through the front door and she was off  like a shot.

“STEVIE!” she announced, pouncing into his arms.

“Hey Cinders, how you doin’!?”

“Good! You bring me anything?”

“I don’t gotta bring you stuff  _ every _ time I go away, you know?”

She just looked at him, her little face the picture of knowing he’ll cave.

“Okay fine, I have stuff in my suitcase but gimme a second, okay?”

“Okay!”

“Hey Buck,” he said, beaming. Bucky was smiling back, hairbrush in hand as he went over and hugged Steve, squishing Isabella and making her laugh.

“Hey yourself, good trip?”

He shrugged, “Later. What are you guys up to?”

“Daddy can’t tie my hair, can you fix it?”

“Daddy CAN tie your hair just … curls?”

“Ah,” Steve recognised with a nod, “it’s just this.” He took the brush and set her on her feet on the coffee table so she was more to his height. Bucky kinda wished he’d had that thought, his back would have thanked him. “She likes it like this,” and it was the same ponytail except he curled her ends around his finger for a second, and let go. Her already curly hair was apparently better now. She nodded in satisfaction.

“See Daddy, it’s not so hard.”

Bucky just looked at them, perplexed.

“Where’d you learn the ways of doing girls hair Steve?”

At that his guy laughed.

“The USO ladies were great teachers in all manner of things, Buck. Including hair care.”

At that, Bucky just rolled his eyes.

******

Peggy had just finished reading Issie her favourite fairy tale – Cinderella – for the millionth time, before she looked over to see she was down for the count. Bucky and Steve had taken to calling her CinderBella, and she loved it, though Peggy knew this nickname would stick, and it might be another story in ten years. She smiled, petting her stray curls from her face. She looked so much like Bucky when she slept, same natural pout, soft breaths, clutching her rabbit like Bucky clutches her or Steve. She tucked her girl in, and left her night light on, making her way into her own bed. Her two guys were already there, reading.

They nudged over, making enough room for her to slip in under the covers and grab her own book on the bedside locker. She reached for her reading glasses, because she needed those now, more often than she liked to admit, and began to read too. Nothing but the tick of the clock was heard for five minutes or so, when Peggy realised she’d been reading the same page over and over. Her mind was elsewhere, on other things. Not that that was unusual, but this was a particular subject, one that had come up sporadically over the years, but less so recently. Things were good, settled even, or as settled as their lives got with the jobs that they had.

Peggy travelled to DC on Sunday nights and stayed ‘til Wednesday mid-mornings, she then worked the rest of the week out of New Jersey, or the smaller offices they had acquired in downtown Manhattan. SI had gotten back their HQ and that made Stark a very happy man. The Academy was launched in Europe, another in the works outside of Boston. Things were going well, but Peggy being Peggy, she yearned to shake things up a little.

She put her book down, folded her hands on her lap above the blankets, took a deep breath and spoke.

“I want to have another baby.”

Bucky immediately smiled at Steve, and Steve just dropped his book.

“Like, right now?”

Peggy rolled her eyes.

“No, James, not right now, this second. But you know, Issie will be off to school every day soon enough, and I’m enjoying the lack of field work frankly more than I thought I would, and well, I don’t know, maybe it’s time to try?”

Bucky was still smiling, now he was nudging Steve.

“Okay… okay.” Bucky nodded with a smile before going back to his book. Steve was still staring before he found his voice.

“Okay, but as we talked about or–”

“Like we talked about,” she confirmed and he took a breath. He was nervous and that surprised her. As if she would go back on her plan.

“How um, if we do that how do we–”

“Well Steve, when a mommy and daddy love each other VERY much–” Bucky began but was cut off with an elbow to the ribs, which only made Bucky laugh.

“I know that, idiot. I just mean if we are together-together like always won’t it get…”

“Well, I’d assume it rules out any fun time for Peggy and I until you knock her up.”

“Elegant, Buck.”

At that Peggy climbed over Steve to sit herself in the middle of the bed, kneeling before both of them, crossing her arms.

“Not necessarily, I mean, there are other ways…” she raised a brow at him and he chuckled. “But for the most part, I guess it would mean Steve and I would give it the old Catholic try and hope for the best,” she stuck her tongue out at Bucky then who just kept on laughing.

“And you’re sure?” Steve asked.

“Darling, we agreed when we agreed, I have no intention of going back on this, but if you’re unsure in any way…” 

“No I’m not, I want … I want to try?”

“You don’t sound so sure, Stevie.” Bucky interjected.

“No, I am, I just… what if it doesn’t happen? How long do we give it as a ‘try’?”

“Well, it’s more math than anything. I know my cycle pretty well,” she ignored how both men’s noses went scrunch, honestly, men. “So we’ll just … do the math.”

“Then do each other,” Bucky commented with a smirk. “It’ll be like one of those math problems in Sister Augustus’s class. Steve, how many ejaculations does it take–” Both Peggy and Steve nudged him then, despite the grin on her face.

“One, rude, and two, I really doubt any nun was talking about such things,” Peggy commented. “But for the most part, yes, we bunk like bunnies until … it happens. Or doesn’t. I say give it three months? And if we’re not pregnant by March or April then, we look into it.”

Steve nodded, clearly taking this very seriously. Peggy just moved to snuggle into the middle of her guys.

“But let’s not overthink this, okay? It’s meant to be fun. Greta, you know, from ammunitions?” Both men nodded. “She’s been trying with her husband for a few weeks now, and she’s stressed out, I don’t want us to be stressed out.”

“No, no that’s good, we’ll … it’ll be fun, we … there’s no pressure, on you or me, or anything for anything.” Steve spoke with nods and lip bites, his eyes light and happy. It was cute.

“Right, if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t,” Peggy added.

“Because I love Bella, you guys know that right.”

“Steve, of course we know that, and Bella knows that, and honestly half-a Brooklyn knows that,” Bucky concluded, leaning over her to kiss him, then she followed suit.

“No pressure,” Peggy added, patting his arm, “but just for fun let’s see what happens?”

“Last time you said that you jumped off a building in Rome, Peg.” Bucky said, getting back to his book, the idea of that just spiking his blood pressure at the thought.

“Are you tellin’ me that wasn’t fun for you? That was fun for me,” she grinned.

At that Steve just took to snuggling her, both of them facing Bucky.

“Peggy?”

“Hm?”

“Let’s have a baby,” he whispered, and she smiled, and though he’d deny it, she saw the small smile on Bucky’s face too, as he pretended to read his book. She liked happy plans, she really did.         

***********

Bucky sat in his office, because he had an office now, because that’s how things were now. He was a company man, now. Or so they assumed. As it stood, Bucky still couldn’t give a fuck about SHIELD, or the government, or Washington or their puppets. But, he had a job and it was one, most of the time he took pride in. He loved his team, he loved his Director, and for him, most days, that was enough. He’d fight with Steve until he hadn’t a breath left in his body if that’s what it took, if that’s what they wanted, but he did it for him, he did it for Peggy, and ultimately he did it to attempt in some small part to make the world just a little bit better, a little bit safer for his baby girl.

The rest, as far as he was concerned could go fuck themselves.

But he sat, and he took the call from the New York Governor who wanted to induct himself and Steve, and the other Commandos into a WWII hall of fame, in Brooklyn, because tourists love that shit, apparently.

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Sir, we’re still in active service.” Not so much the Commandos, most of whom had the sense to go into private security, but still. “I’m not sure now is the right time. Maybe in a few years?”

The man was persistent, and asked to talk to Steve.

“He’s overseas, sir, mission details confidential.”

Steve wasn’t overseas; Steve was most likely in mid-town about to get laid.

He hung up and finished his field report, closed the folder and took a breath before walking over to his wall and pulling back the dividing petition. He enjoyed where his office was, in the bowels of SHIELD’s smaller New York base. He flat out refused to go to New Jersey every damn day, so the smaller downtown offices worked just fine for him. Where he was – closer to the basement than the entrance, down a long dark corridor that held only supply closets and cleaning supplies, a toilet and an emergency exit – Bucky knew he’d be unbothered unless it was important enough to make the trip down sixteen floors. It hardly ever was, which was why his research went untouched. One side of the wall to another held all he had on the whereabouts of Zola. String was keeping his timeline straight, photos, sightings, near misses, all over the years from various sources throughout Europe. Some sources his own, some a little less savoury. All leading to a big fat nothing.

At times it angered him that that little tool was still free somewhere, doing God knows what, to God knows who. Doing what he did to him, inflicting pain and suffering no doubt. Bucky knew he was obsessed, and while he did a decent enough job of hiding it most of the time, he knew it was still there – always there- like the acid they injected him with, simmering within his veins, the poison that meant he wasn’t aging as he should, still no grey hairs, no aches or pains, he hasn’t had a flu in over a decade, he could out run any cadent, he kept pace with Steve, he could wield the shield like it was nothing but a sharp Frisbee, the little things too – perfect night vision despite his aversion to carrots, his hearing was second to none, it all added up.

And it all added up to him still wanting answers.

Luckily for him, they had acquired a new asset of sorts, straight out of Germany, a man who had in times gone by, worked with dear old Zola when they were co-operating under PaperClip. Bucky had used his files as a way to create the timeline in a clearer manner, and now, finally, after too many years, a pattern was emerging. The sightings, his plants, the few spare underlings that he knew were loyal to him, that he had out there in the field, had finally bore fruit.

If he was right, and he hoped he was, Zola was due to resurface again in two days, in Brazil.

He took another breath and lifted the phone. This time to book a flight to Rio.

*****

Steve was running late, as usual. He had stopped to pick up some sandwiches and sodas for them on his way to the hotel. It was lunch time on a rainy Thursday in March, so as he tipped his cabbie extra and hopped out and all but ran into the hotel – room 1205 she had said on the phone – he swiftly ducked into the elevator, which seemed to take forever to reach the floor in his anxious state. But when he tried the door it was unlocked, and what he was greeted with when he walked in made all the rushing worth it.

There she was, sprawled out on a chair, dressed… well, rather manly. She had on skinny pants, and there were suspenders, and what he knew was his grey flat cap. Only she wasn’t manly at all. The suspenders on her delicate shoulders on top of only her pink lace bra, the same pink on her lips – lips that were quirked in a smirk at his obvious distraction.

“I decided today was a more, straight-laced kind of day,” she spoke before whipping the hat off and having it land somewhere behind him, he wasn’t really paying attention.

“It um,” he cleared his throat, anything to distract from the hard weight now in his underwear. “Jesus, Peggy.”

She laughed before walking up to him and kissing him, wrapping her arms all the way around his neck and allowing him to pick her up off the ground.

“So you um, you like it then?” she asked, leaning back from his kiss, her lipstick smeared. He smiled big and at times like those she was reminded how young he still was. She and James had grown a little older in the years he had had been gone, more weary, but Steve was still just so young, bright eyes even after all they’d seen, pink lips prettier than any shade of makeup she owned, and just as sweet as him. She kissed him, and allowed him to lift her up.

“I have the afternoon, just so you know. I told a little white lie and got out of a meeting with Washington. Howard is back, so he’s playing catch up.” She grinned as they got to the bed, and he lowered them both down, his lips exploring her neck. She squirmed.

“Excellent. Let’s take our time, hm?”

“Yes, if a job is worth doing,” she started unbuttoning his shirt though her eyes were closed, “It’s worth doing right.”

“I wholeheartedly concur, Director,” he admitted with a wicked grin, before snapping her suspenders off her shoulders.

What a way to spend an afternoon, he thought. Had he known what the next one would bring he would have never left that room, never let her leave either.

****************

Her head was spinning. One minute it was quiet and peaceful, the next their world was unrecognisable. They were all home in time for dinner, she and Bucky cooked steak and potatoes, she had wine, and Bella had mash and sausage. She spilled her juice down her dress and took it rather badly. She didn’t like to be sticky, though she had no qualms about messing around in the dirt at the park, go figure. But it was good, it was normal. They talked of work, of sports, of the new grocers opening a few blocks over. Regular people stuff.

They watched TV, Bucky gave Bella her bath, they sang the alphabet song as she refused to get her hair washed, Peggy vacuumed the living room, and Steve changed their sheets.

From the outside looking in, there was nothing out of the ordinary about it. Except it was, it was their last time doing any of that. Nothing would ever be the same. 

After.

***

She woke early, even for her. It was still dark she noticed, the dull grey light through their curtains, the ticking clock telling her it was just after five. Maybe it was instinct, maybe it was something else, but she turned, expecting her guys, and only found Steve. Curiosity got her up, wrapping herself in Bucky’s robe as she did so. She found him in Isabella’s room, asleep on her floor, her in her little bed, they were holding hands, and her heart skipped a beat. He had borrowed a pillow and was covered in her pink fleece blanket. She was asleep on her tummy, mouth open and breathing like a snore. It made Peggy smile so much so that she had to capture it for posterity. Grabbing Steve’s camera that sat on the table in the hallway, she made sure the flash was off before snapping the scene in front of her. The picture finished the roll and it wound itself back. She’d get it developed soon. As it stood, there was nothing but the tick of the clock that hung downstairs, and the sound of breathing, all of them peacefully out in the land of nod. Satisfied her awakening was just habit, she decided to go back to bed since she wasn’t due in to work until nine. She’d nap, she thought, as she curled in around the human radiator that was Steve, and then she’d go back to trying to fix the world at a more reasonable hour.

******

“Oh and I need the six files on the FBI meeting from the 6th, and can you get me Agent Barnes on the line?” she asked her assistant who just nodded and made her way back out of the office. She was on the other line with Howard.

“And it was fine, they secured it?”

“Funding for the Academy through this, next, and the next year, we’re good.”

“How did you manage that?”

“My charms and intelligence of course.”

“Or?”

“I’m hurt!” she could see the pout, he was such a child. “But yeah, that and I may have promised we’d get them first refusal at any new tech for the military.”

She rolled her eyes.

“One day they will come collect and you’ll be screwed.”

“I know, but hey, they can’t have what they doesn’t know exists, right?”

“Hm. Right, listen I have to go. Good luck with the meeting and let me know how it goes.”

“Will do.”

They hung up and Peggy signed off on the mission statements on her desk just as Julia popped her head around the door.

“Ma’am there’s no answer at Agent Barnes’ office, should I send one of the girls to fetch him?”

“He’s in the building right?”

“I checked his office hours. He should be now, and he’s signed in from ten am.”

She knew she had it right; maybe he’d just popped out for something.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll … I’ll go down there myself. He’s meant to be overseeing the latest training modules with me and Captain Rogers this afternoon, I just hope he hasn’t forgotten.” So what if that was their code word, no one else needed to know that. She fixed her lipstick in her mirror before grabbing her bag, but just as she did, Steve came through the office like a bull in a china shop, startling her, and getting Julia to her feet.

“Ma’am?!”

“It’s fine, Julia, it’s – Steve what on earth?”

“We need to talk.” He was fuming, his cheeks were red, his eyes hard.

“Al… Alright, come in,” she shrugged at her assistant, before closing the door, “What’s -?”

“He’s gone, Peggy.”

“Who’s gone where?”

“Bucky, he’s up and left taken three of strike team one with him to fucking Brazil.”

Her head was spinning again.

“Why?”

“I don’t know why, all I know is that there was a Goddamn letter in my inbox when I got to the office this morning from him, telling me he’s sorry but it’s what he has to do. What does he have to take care of? And no sign of him anywhere, Peggy, so what the fuck? He’s not at home, I called and Dorothea answered, said he called her this morning after we left for work, said he had someplace to be, and could she sit for Bella. She said he seemed fine, but left with a rucksack. Now is there some mission I’m not privy to here? Because if there is–”

“No, Jesus, you know we’d tell you.”

“Even if it was need to know only?”

“When are you ever not on that list?” Peggy was panicked though, and part of her wanted to call Howard. Was this like back in the day, something secret, and something involving him?

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here, I really don’t … Julia?!” she called out, not even bothering to use her speaker, the blonde came in a second later.

“Yes?”

“My inbox is there anything from Agent Barnes?”

“No … oh there is a letter, but it wasn’t addressed properly and I hadn’t gotten around to–”

“Give me what’s in the box, okay?”

Brazil, they had nothing of note in Brazil, least of what she knew they didn’t.

“All of it?”

“All of it.”

Turns out all of it was a hell of a lot, but she looked through and saw his hand writing almost right away. Her heart sank.

A simple white envelope with Peggy on it in his writing.

She tore it open and took a seat. She assumed it was the same as Steve’s, that he had something to take care of but loved his family and her so much, and that if he didn’t come back from it, that she know how much she meant to him, how much they all meant to him but it was something he couldn’t put off any longer.

As she read the words, a chill ran down her spine. She dropped it and left the office so fast she was surprised her heels didn’t catch fire. She didn’t speak but Steve was on her heels, all the way to the basement of their building where Bucky preferred to be, with easy access to the side street exit. She threw open his office door and found it unsurprisingly, empty, but something, an instinct the same one that woke her that morning maybe, told her there was more to this. Travel documents, something. And there was something alright, and when she saw Steve staring at it she felt like she wanted to throw up.

“All this time, he’s been tracking the son of a bitch…” Steve mentioned as he took it in, in detail. “What the hell is he doing?”

Peggy saw the pictures, the letters from sources, the maps, my God, the maps, she thought. And the last large one with a big red circle.

“He’s finishing what they started, Steve.”

She never saw Steve look more helpless than he did in the moments that followed, not even when he was smaller and a lot weaker, physically. This, this kicked the emotional stuffing right out of him.

“We have to go get him, Peg.”

And she wouldn’t argue, though perhaps she should have. She wouldn’t because he was her guy, he was their guy. He was SHIELD’S guy, and she didn’t stop Zola the first, or even the second time from re-entering Bucky’s life, she’d be damned if she wouldn’t stop him a third time.

Or so she thought.

See as it goes, she would stop him from hurting Bucky, but that didn’t mean she could stop him from hurting her.

*********************

It had been going so well, he thought. He had the worm in his sights, and three snipers at his back. He had him, he thought.

It was almost over.

That was until it wasn’t. Until he clued in that he was being targeted and lured them to where he had backup all his own. An old house in the middle of dusty-fuck-tree-covered nowhere. Suddenly, two of his snipers were radio silent and the other one yelling for Bucky to retreat. But he couldn’t, not on his life, which was the point he wagered with himself. They were isolated, that’s true, there wasn’t another soul for at least twenty miles, which was also the point, he thought. He knew it was a trap, somewhere in the back of his head, he knew, but it had taken him sixteen hours from landing to getting a target on Zola’s back, and he wasn’t going to let it go, not now, not after everything. He owed to himself, to his wife, to his guy, and to his daughter, to end this.

“Sergeant Barnes, is this all really necessary?” the worm asked, hands up, smug expression ever present.

“Maybe it is, but you need to die.”

He was sweating, he was dying on the inside and he wanted to end it, and he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he end it?

“Why can’t you pull that trigger? Isn’t that your job? Trigger happy American.”

“As opposed to murder happy Nazi?”

He smiled.

“I am merely in charge of the weapons.”

_ Am. _

Am?

_ Just pull the Goddamn trigger and end the scum! _ His brain was screaming at him. At that rapid gun fire erupted, but it wasn’t from the Hydra soldiers at his six, some of which were dropping like flies, no, it was a SHIELD open back plane, and it was Steve, it was Steve and Peggy.

“James, we’re going to have so many words about this when we get home!” he heard from behind a machine gun. The Hydra guys had scattered, some were firing back,

Zola was gone, and Bucky just wasn’t having that shit, so as their transport landed, and his people got out along with a backup team of four strike team two, he made for the house, the only place the asshole could have gone.

Instead, he found more Hydra, and  _ them _ he had no issue putting bullets into, none at all, which made his brain hurt at the thought of why Zola was an apparent no-go zone. The house had, at his guess, four levels, not counting underground. Peggy and Steve were there, everyone in black ops gear, Steve sans helmet, of course, though this time he held a gun as well as the shield. The three of them fought, back to back, to clear a path, an exit of some sorts, to get a jump on Zola. They did, finally, Steve giving the orders, because Bucky’s head was a mess and they clearly saw that. He stayed on the ground level, with Steve as two snipers went with Peggy wordlessly to clear out the upper levels.

She hadn’t been field ready in a long time. In her last mission she took a hit, he knew this, and still he didn’t protest.

_ She wasn’t ready… _

Steve took six of them in as many heartbeats, Bucky took three, and he did what Steve did, only slower. By the time Steve’s radio crackled, Peggy ordering them out, there was no sign of Zola, it was a dead end, orders were to evacuate with whom they could save.

Guilt consumed him. He was the cause of the mess around them, of the people bleeding at his feet, his own people.

“Barnes is hit,” Steve said through the speaker, the tattle-tale. Though he felt fine, the response was immediate. “Looks to be the thigh, other injuries unknown,” Steve spoke, all Captain, taking none of Bucky’s shit.

“James, I love you but my GOD! Get to the helicopter, NOW. We’re clearing out. Meet me there, okay?” He heard her, spitting mad as she was but he wanted to grab Steve’s talkie and tell her no, that it was too soon, that he had no exit so where the fuck WAS he? But he couldn’t.

“Bucky, Jesus fuck. You’re bleeding, it’s a thigh hit, and you could–” Steve clued him in then, and yeah there was a bullet in his thigh, he hadn’t felt it go in but he knew it was there now his adrenaline was wearing off.

“I’m fine, can we just – another sweep.”

“No, out, now. Come on, Buck. Peggy will kill us if we don’t do as she says.” He smiled, pushing him, and Bucky smiled, because he was sure either way he was due for the wrath of his wife as soon as his ass hit the seat.

He could explain he knew that, but he had just wished he had ended the fucker when he had him in his sights.

Instead he took the loss, knowing she was right, as was Steve. He was reckless, and reckless with no backup was a dumbass thing to be. Instead, he took two wounded men under his arm, and Steve did the same. They made their way in and at that, he closed up the doors.

Steve barked orders at their medic, his name was Brown, he had a friendly smile and steady hands, funny details he remembered, but he’d chalk it up to blood loss, of which, if he was being honest, there was a lot now. He also thought he saw her where she should have been, maybe that was blood loss too, or wishful thinking on behalf of his brain. He thought he saw her in the seat beside Remy Antwan, a friend of Stark’s and their best pilot, who waved them in, and began assent, he thought he saw her as Holden Duncan closed the doors, he thought he saw her – “Peg, I’m sorry, okay?” At that who he thought he saw, in his fucked up woozy state turned around, and it wasn’t Peggy at all, it wasn’t her. It was Gloria Stone, new agent and a damn dead ringer for his wife from behind; long haired brunette, same build, same unamused expression as she turned when he spoke, but she wasn’t Peggy.

Peggy wasn’t on board.

Peggy … wasn’t on board.

If Peggy wasn’t on board, then where was she?

&&&&&

“James, I love you but my  _ GOD _ ! Get to the plane, NOW. We’re clearing out. Meet me there, okay?” she said, rolling her eyes at Duncan who merely laughed. The place was empty. They had taken down what was inside, and they had searched every inch of the place. “I’m going to kill him, I swear to God,” she muttered before handing off the rifle to Stone, she had her pistol, and her rifle was out of ammo. “Clear out.” They took two more bedrooms before making their way down a large empty hallway. Duncan lifted Parish who was bleeding out on the floor, but alive, if just barely. “Get him to the medic now, Stone, you too,” she ordered as something in one of the rooms caught her eye, something she never would have noticed before only for how it reminded her of one of Issie’s pop up books. It was a book about farm animals, she loved it.

“Ma’am?”

“I’ll be right behind you. Parish needs medic now,” she reminded and they scattered quickly as she stepped into the room, pistol out, all her nerves on edge. It was quiet, too quiet for what was happening around her. The wall was a petition, fake, and behind it was a switchboard.

“Son of a mother fucker,” she muttered, and attempted to radio out but the signal was blocked, the buttons on the switchboard made no sense to her, but she hit the green glowing button, and wouldn’t you know it, the goddamn room began to shift. It spun her, as walls moved, floors moved, and suddenly she was behind the walls – at count seven guns pointed to her head.

“Don’t move,” came his weakly little voice.

“I didn’t want to do this Ms. Carter, or is it Mrs. Barnes now? Congratulations, by the way,” he spoke, still smug, the weapons at her head nudged even closer. Yeah, she got the point.

“Then don’t do it. We gave you a chance Mr Zola, we–”

“Locked me away to be a lab monkey, Mrs. Barnes.”

The room was small, and she wasn’t sure how they could have missed it, though it was easily overlooked. There was some kind of science behind it because she was sure it was unseen from the outside, cloaked almost, like the tech Howard was working on for the SHIELD planes…

“Mr. Zola–”

“Your husband hunted me, Mrs. Barnes, and while it was so good to see that his rage still eats at him like worms to a corpse, it does me little to no good that you and your Captain showed up, yet again, and foiled my plans for him.”

He tutted, he honest to God tutted. She felt like she was five years old, being told off for being naughty.

“And what plans were those, might I ask?” 

That’s when he smiled again.

“It’s funny you should ask–”

_ Why did it sound like the plane was taking off, why was the sound of the engine fading, why were they leaving without her? _

“Because while you weren’t the Barnes I was hoping for today, you are the one that will do quite nicely.”

Before she could speak the stock of Nazi guy number one’s rifle hit her across the face, knocking her to the floor. Just as she blacked out she heard Zola order in the ‘reinforcements.’

Her last thought was of her baby. It was bath night; she hoped she went without a fuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'M SORRY!!! ;) If you're still with me let's talk about this! Therapy available lol! xoxo


	41. Empty Nest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve face reality, Peggy wishes it were a fantasy, and Bella gets a new Grandpa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little warning this chapter makes vague ref. to torture, and pregnancy, and general awfulness emotionally for everyone involved. But we'll hopefully steamroller though this next chapter and things will start looking up, just a little FYI! 
> 
> xo

His ears were ringing, his head spinning, knowing he had lost a lot of blood – even for him. He was angry and anxious, but all he heard was the fear in Steve’s voice.

“I don’t care, turn this fucking plane the fuck _around_ ,” Steve ranted, as Bucky yanked a bandage around his wound, not bothering to take his pants off, just strapping it on to stop the bleeding. He had more important things to worry about than his own life just then, like Peggy’s life. They were under fire, the plane was being hit left and right, the bastard had reinforcements that seemed to come out of nowhere, well over fifty from what he could tell, all with perfect aim at the plane. Antwan refused, he had his orders, orders from Director Carter, ‘ _get Barnes, get out’._ Given that they were heavily under fire and the left side of the plane was – Bucky was pretty sure it _was_ on fire, so he was duty bound to get the hell out of dodge. The life of everyone on board depended on it, but her life… _her_ life depended on _them_.

“Son of a motherfucker!” he yelled, as they got further and further away from her. “We circle back, you hear me, Antwan? We circle the fuck back, call in backup, I don’t care what you have to do, this is your director’s life on the line, you hear me?” the man nodded, he was sick looking, like he would vomit at any time, yeah, Steve looked the same way. He couldn’t think straight, he couldn’t think of anything other than landing the plane and getting her back.

He knew, deep inside, though, by the time they did circle back, that it would be too late.

He hated being right sometimes.

 ******

Steve felt helpless for the first time since he felt the cold water rush around his body on that plane, felt the ice creep into his bones, slowly, slowly, dying. It’s how it felt, all over again. As if he was slowly dying all over again. He couldn’t breathe, not really, his head was throbbing, his chest aching. He was a walking, talking, mess.

They circled back, of course, they did, with another team, but of course, they were too late. There was no sign of Peggy or Zola. A small comfort maybe, that there was nobody. He had, in all honesty, expected to find her body.

He couldn’t breathe looking at Bucky attempting to hold it together, frayed at the edges in a way only he could see, he barked out orders, and got the troops rallied, but for what? They had no leads, nothing to go on. Zola had disappeared into thin air and Peggy now too.

For forty nine straight hours they searched. Deploying six teams of SHIELD agents throughout the borders, they set up a camp at the site, they – or rather Bucky – took it into his own hands, not stopping for sleep or even food, as Steve went out time and again on the searches. Nothing came to fruition of course, even after they got local authorities, and local men involved that knew the area a hell of a lot more intimately. By the time Stark arrived on the third day, Steve was even feeling the effects of lack of sleep, and Bucky looked like walking death. Stark himself looked rougher than Steve ever remembered him, pale and rumpled, hair askew, bags under his eyes as if he too hadn’t slept. He jumped right in, scanning the area for any sign of cloaking tech, to everyone’s surprise as they had all but taken the base apart at the hinges – there was another department, and once Stark managed to ‘decloak’ the tech keeping it hidden. Steve stepped inside with Bucky at his left, Stark at their six, and saw it. Her gun, her helmet and her vest, along with speckles of blood.

If his heart could have physically broken there and then, he was sure it had. Stark closed his eyes and walked away, Bucky merely lifted hat and walked away.

He wasn’t sure where they went from there. The only way he saw was down.

 *******

It was his fault, and it didn’t matter what Steve or Stark or anyone said, as they looked at him with pity in their eyes, he knew, it was his fault. He was the one that charged off and he was the one that made her follow. If he had just let it go, been a normal person and let it fucking go, they’d be home, and she’d be safe.

Instead, she was …

He closed his eyes again. If he did for long enough he could see her, behind his eyes, safe and smiling.

_ It was his fault. _

Three days turned into three weeks, and when he was dead on his feet, unable to think straight, whatever useless trail they might have had was long cold; he followed an order from Stark for the first time in a long time. He went home. He and Steve both packed up their stuff, and took a SHIELD jet from Chile, and headed back to Brooklyn. Things had been, naturally, strained between him and his guy, for the first week he could barely force himself to look Steve in the eye, knowing what he’d see, the knowledge that he was responsible for her being gone, and he couldn’t stand it, so he avoided, by week two, Steve was the one avoiding, he went on separate missions, with different groups of agents each time – never with him. Bucky was barely sleeping, a few hours at most here or there, food had lost its taste, and Steve seemed to be functioning on the same wavelengths. It hurt him too to know that he was the one getting all the sympathy looks and extra soft handling because she was his wife, but Steve, poor Steve, to them he was just her old flame, her friend now, and was once again overlooked. The guilt was all consuming, and Bucky felt like he was drowning.

But there was Bella to think of, and in this mess, she had to come first, they knew that. They knew there were teams of agents scanning all border countries, any leads they’d know, anything at all, they’d know. She had to come first, and she’d been passed around like a parcel for three weeks, first with her 'sitter, then to Angie, then to Maria where she was currently. He wanted her close, knew Steve did too, but there was so much to be done as well. His stomach was in knots. He wanted to get drunk, he wanted to sleep; he wanted Peggy there to yell at him and to smile and to hug him and tell him it was okay, that she was okay. But he couldn’t do any of those things because it was all his fault.

Walking up the steps felt foreign, opening the door he half expected her to be there, like she’d be when he came back from work or the gym or the store, just sitting on the floor with the baby, playing or reading, or sitting at the kitchen table glasses on the edge of her nose, squinting at a paper or book. But no, there was nothing but the sound of the clock ticking, he and Steve looked at one another and said nothing. What was there to say?

Bags at their feet they just stood in the living room, uncomfortable in their own home, both of them suddenly.

“You should go lay down, huh?” Steve offered, he’d been trying to get him to rest on the plane, but he read, tried to get him to eat, but he refused. Now, though, he felt tired through to his bones.

“Okay,” he said, softly, nodding before passing him and patting Steve on the shoulder. “Thanks.”

“I’ll … get us some food or something yeah?”

“Yeah.” He murmured on his way upstairs, thirteen steps that felt like a hundred. He rounded the staircase, and walked the familiar path to their room, and stopped dead in his tracks at the door. Their bed was made, pillows arranged just how she liked them, and her silk robe was hanging off the bottom of the bed. He sat on the edge, grabbing her robe and putting it to his nose, just taking in her smell. The softness of it that reminded him of her, so many mornings, and the sweet smell of her perfume and self, mixed in was what finally broke him down. The tears that had been threatening for weeks finally spilled and he sobbed. Gently at first, silently, but he couldn’t help the sounds that came after, almost inhuman as he broke down on the outside as he felt on the inside. She was gone, and it was, once again, all his fault.

 ***

Steve walked from the living room to the kitchen and instantly wished he hadn’t. Her coffee mug was sitting in the sink, her lipstick mark still intact, her little blue notepad sat by the fridge, her grocery list written with little doodles in the margin. What really hit him in the chest, though, was their fridge, their little cork board beside it, all covered in photos. Most of which he had been responsible for taking. One of the three of them from their wedding day, outside the church – Angie had taken it; they were all busting a gut laughing at what he couldn’t recall. One of himself and Peggy at Christmas, Bucky had insisted on horrible festive sweaters and snapped too many photos that night. He smiled through his tears, seeing the other that was one of Peggy and Bella, just them cuddling in bed, Bella holding onto Peggy’s hair, her other hand in her mouth, sucking her thumb. Another of Bucky and Peggy at the beach the summer before Bella was born, Peggy hilariously pregnant and using their beach ball in front of her bump, Bucky just cracking up at the visual. He looked around at the silent house, and back at the photos. That was their life. She was their life.

And now she was gone. He hoped she was still alive but the longer time went on and there was no ransom news, the less hope he held onto. But he still held on, he had to. For all their sakes, they all just had to hold on.

 **************

Her head hurts, her mouth feels like she licked sand, and she’s cold. She’s so cold. Opening her eyes is difficult, and ultimately pointless. She realises she’s blindfolded. Her hands are bound and she’s strapped to a bed, or a table - no - a table - it’s hard and unforgiving under her skin.

“She’s awake?” She hears a voice in accented German.

“Another dose. He said to keep her out.” Came another voice, this one female, also in German. After that, the world goes dark again.

The next time she’s lucid enough to wake, she’s in a too-bright room, and they're people in white medical masks surrounding here, and he is there. Of course, he is.

“Where am I?” She asks but she’s ignored. So, she asks again, this time, louder.

“We cannot tell you that, but know that you are in good hands.” he speaks, still smug she realises.

“Your definition of ‘good’ is not the same as mine.”

“Maybe not, but things are progressing nicely.”

“I would say you won’t get away with this but that seems … redundant at this point,” he smiled at her wisdom as she sighed. “How long have I … been here at least?”

“Some time.”

“How much time?” She yelled.

“ _Time_ ,” he scowled. “Enough of it for you to survive the first round of injections, congratulations, most don’t even make it that far.” At that a smaller woman, mouth covered but with big blue eyes and blonde hair, injects her arm, she sees it rather than feels it.

The world goes dark again.

When she opens her eyes she feels … everything at once. Cold, heat, her teeth are on edge, her head is pounding. She’s alone in a room, white walls, white floors, no windows of course, and she’s starving. More hungry than she ever remembered feeling in her life.

And she was naked, with her hands bound in front of her, her feet too, she couldn’t move, but she could assess the damage to her body a little. Her once pale skin was now almost corpse-like in it’s colouring, all except for the blue bruises, the needle marks, and the stitches. She was stitched down her left side, over her tummy too, she put both bound hands to her head to check her suspicions and yes, they had cropped her hair too, some of it shaved in the back, more stitches. She gets maybe ten minutes to reflect, to attempt a plan of any kind, when the large metal door opens, and she’s invaded by three men, all in white medic masks once more.

They have a hose. She knows what’s coming and yet still screams in both pain and cold when they spray her down with the water, as fast as it’s coming at her, it feels like blades.

“You’re not a risk of infection anymore, up.” one yells in Russian, she can’t move, her body is numb, so the larger of the three drags her to her feet. Out of the sterile room and down a long dark corridor, into another room, and then through to another. She wanted to pass out, she wished she could. It all hurt so much.

When she wakes up again it’s to the sound of a machine, beep-beep-beep - constantly and when she opens her eyes she’s alone in a lab, with him. She doesn’t speak but he does. As if they are old friends.

_‘You shook his hand, Peggy._ ’ Is what she hears in her head, though, from Bucky, way back when.

She shook his hand. She fights the bile rising in her throat.

“ - And it’s been remarkable, in just a few weeks the changes in your physiology alone. So much stronger already.”

Her stomach dropped.

“There are others.” A statement not question, and he nods.

“Well there were, not a lot of them make it past stage one or two I’m afraid, but you are doing well. Once we removed the fetus, and took care of your reproductive system that is.”

Her heart dropped.

“Fetus…?”

He stopped whatever he was doing by her legs, and looked up.

“Oh. Well. That is … you didn’t know did you?”

She couldn’t stop the tears then, she just couldn’t. She didn’t care how helpless it made her look anymore, she sobbed.

“It was a few weeks at most but an obstacle that needed to be removed.” He dismissed with his scalpel waving. “You understand if we were to allow you to carry the cells to term it would … not turn out well for the resulting child. A few weeks at most, nothing of importance. Though I do wonder, was it your husband’s or his boyfriend’s?”

She stopped crying then and composed herself, deep breaths in and out, in and out, she couldn’t let him see this again. He didn’t deserve her tears. He was enjoying her physical pain, she wasn’t about to give him her emotional as well.

 **********

He was woken by the hammering on the front door, up instantly without even thinking about it. Sleepy and still exhausted made his way to open the door, Steve wasn’t home he realised.

It was Col. Phillips … and Bella. She was asleep in his arms, and Bucky was confused as all hell.

“Sir?”

They had only been back a handful of hours, at the most. He was disorientated.

“Barnes,” He said, gruff as you like as he walked past, his sleeping daughter in his arms. He followed his one-time superior, as he made his way to the living room to leave his girl still asleep on the couch. Bucky’s heart leapt, she looked so big, so changed since he had seen her last.

“Sir, I don’t understand, we were told Maria -”

The older man nodded toward the kitchen, and so, Bucky followed.

“Maria was called into SHIELD and had business to attend to. That place is no place for a child, and I was finished work, so I offered to take the child out as a distraction. For me or for her, well, I can’t say which it was for.” the older man sighed, and for the first time, Bucky realised, right, he was close to Peggy too. He was, for a long time after the war, her father figure. His heart sank again.

“When was the last time you ate, son?”

That was new.

“Um, I’m not hungry.”

“No,” the gruff voice came, “I’d imagine not, but eat anyway, even something bland. You need to pull yourself together now.”

Bucky attempted to stand straighter, but he found he just didn’t care. He couldn’t.

“I’ll be fine.”

“And what of that little girl? Huh?”

At that Bucky’s blood instantly boiled.

“What’s that meant to mean?”

The older man sighed.

“Look, I know what you’re going through -”

“So your wife was taken by Nazi assholes too, then?”

Philips shut his mouth.

“So, no, you don’t know what I’m going through,” He remembered his manners. “Sir. I’m sorry it’s just -”

“Stop, I don’t need your apologies Barnes, I just … she’s a great kid it’d be a shame to see her lost in the shuffle of this mess you know?”

Bucky nodded, running a hand down his face.

“I know, I just don’t know how to do this. Steve and I we don’t know how to DO this without her.”

Philips nodded.

“She’s a smart little girl, she’ll end up helping you more than you know it.”

Bucky felt himself smile for the first time in weeks.

“Yeah she is.”

“You know, she’s strong-minded like her mother. Walked right into my office you know, with Maria looking frazzled she was as calm as a swan. Asked if she could call me Grandpa.”

At that Bucky barked a laugh.

“Jesus Christ, Sir…”

The gruff man smiled then, it looked foreign. “I agreed. I could do with a granddaughter to spoil, my grandsons live in California with their father and their _hippie_ mother,” he sighed. “She said she needed a Grandpa. So.”

“Did she also say she _needed_ ice-cream?”

“It seemed like it was important.” He sighed before continuing, “ She’s not scared me, it’s strange, even Rogers is still scared of me.” he shook his head, moving to put the kettle on for himself. Bucky wasn’t about to argue. “Anyway, look. Just… think about her alright? More than ever she’ll need you, both of you. Until we get Peggy back.”

That surprised Bucky.

“You’re one of the few that thinks we will,” He admitted watching the other man make coffee.

“Well, people are idiots, Barnes. And, if there’s one thing that woman taught me is to have faith, even in the direst situations. Rogers stormed off on a one man death mission to save your ass and she was the only one who believed he could do it. So,” he looked out the window. “I choose to believe she’s still out there, fighting to get back. we just gotta fight with her.”

Before he could continue he heard her calling as she ran, sleepy-headed in his direction.

“ _DADDY_!!!” before she jumped into his arms and hugged him so tight. God almighty he missed her.

“Hey Bells, look at you!”

She pulled back to look at him, and for the first time in weeks, he considered his appearance. She squinted and put both her hands on his face.

“You look sleepy Daddy.”

“I am, you too huh?”

She nodded.

“Grandpa Chester took me and we had ice-cream and then we rode the subway and now I’m here.”

He smiled before looking at, God help them all, ‘Grandpa Chester’ who was pretending to fix a pot of coffee.

“Where’s Mommy and Stevie?”

At that Bucky’s heart all but stopped. The other man looked at him hard then. He had to decide how this went right now, and he really didn’t want to do that.

“Well darlin’, Steve’s gone to the store for things for dinner,” he guessed, “and well … Mom … “ he bit his lips, “Mom’s still overseas.”

It wasn’t a lie, not really.

“Is she working again?” Their kid dragged out the last work, she was exasperated and she wasn’t even three.

“Yeah, she is,” Chester interjected and Bella looked right to him, “on super secret stuff.”

“Like Howard.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Like Howard,” Chester added before bopping her on the nose. “I gotta go, but you be a good girl for your dad and Steve okay? Make sure he drinks that coffee for me, okay?”

“Okay!!” She agreed excitedly like he just asked her to go to the moon. Bucky walked with the man to the door, she was still clinging to him like a little spider monkey, not that he minded in the slighted.

“Thank you, Sir. For … well for everything. I appreciate it.”

The man nodded, and swung his coat under his arm heading out the door.

“Take care of my new granddaughter, Barnes.” It made Bella giggle and hug closer to Bucky.

“Daddy?”

“Hm?”

“Can we have ‘sketti for dinner?”

“Sure kid, whatever you want. Whatever you want.”

He looked around the empty hallway, having to let her down to run back to the kitchen, the empty stairs, Peg’s coat still hanging in the hall, her snow boots too. There was a blue umbrella she used, the living too, just full of her things. He fought the urge to cry. He couldn’t fall apart, not now. He had Bella. They had Bella. And for that reason alone he was able to think that maybe tomorrow, something might turn up.

He had to hold on to hope.

It was almost all he had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: *Exhale* You still with me? If so come talk to me in the comments! Therapy sessions every hour on the hour! Love yooou xox
> 
> PS. HAPPY AGENT CARTER DAY!!


	42. Tension On The Homefront

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy never did have a voice for singing, while Steve and Bucky almost implode, and Bella sees more than you'd think.

_Drip, Drip, Clink. Repeat. Drip, Drip._

She felt herself sigh. Happily.  In comfort.

She turned and he was suddenly there. Steve, laying on his side, head propped up with his hand. Smiling as he absently rubbed her arm with his free hand. She was breathless, she couldn’t feel her legs. They were naked and alone in a big old soft bed. She felt as though she should feel shocked, to see him, to be where she was, but she wasn’t.

She knew exactly where she was. The hotel, that last afternoon they were alone.

_She was dreaming._

“I’m worried about him, I can’t shake it,” He confessed.

“Me too,” She agreed, “but you know James, unless his mind is made up there’s no sense in us trying to wriggle whatever it is out of him yet.” They had realised in all their time with him that yes, pressure him into answers and he shuts down, goes for a lot of walks, leave him to his own devices, he’ll tell you everything in his own time. They both agreed he was acting ‘off’, but neither had been told why. So they agreed, again, to give it some time.

She snuggled into him then.

“He is distracted but we just have to keep an eye on him, he spends too much time inside his head, it’s not good for him.”

Steve hummed, she heard his chest vibrate. He was so warm and soft, sturdy and strong all at once.

“What about you?”

This wasn’t how the conversation went, she remembered he suggested he and Bucky take Isabella to the park the next day, that he’d talk to him alone and see. She had agreed. This Steve was going off the menu.

“What about me?”

“You going to spend all your time inside your head?” he tapped her temple gently.

“I like it here,” she answered softly.

“Mmm I know, but it’s not what you need.”

“Maybe it is.”

He shook his head.

“You have to get out of your head, and out of that place. Peg. You have to come _home_.”

Peggy opened her eyes in real time, pointless though it was. She was blindfolded again. She was sitting on concrete again, back to a cold, wet wall. Her hands were bound, but she was able to move them to yank off the blindfold. She wished she hadn’t. She was in a cell, a tiny one, no more than six feet tall, about ten feet by ten feet if she had to guess. The only light came from under the door. There were bars above her, three, only inches long, not even enough to fit a fist through, but enough to let water drip in from the rain outside. She wanted to stand up, to see whatever was out there, but she couldn’t move her legs. Unlike in her dream, it wasn’t from pleasure, it was from pain, she was stitched and broken. She was also chained down, that little detail pissed her off as if she had anywhere to go where she was!

Peggy had no idea how long she’d been in that room, but it was long enough that she had peed, which she also added to the list of things she was rightly annoyed about. But, men at war have had to cope with worse, she knew, she could handle the dirt, she’d have to, what other choice did she have, really? But it was her hunger that was harder to ignore. She was starving, her mouth again felt like she’d licked sand, her head was pounding, and her whole self just felt weak. She couldn’t think straight, her mind was racing, too many thoughts all the time, she was better off unconscious, she thought. But she also knew this was their way of weakening her mind as well as her body. She couldn’t let them.

She wouldn’t let them win.

And so, she moved to rub her feet, to attempt to get some feeling back, but couldn’t. Panic rose up but she had to keep her head about her. Clearing her throat, she sat up straight.

And she started to sing.

 _“O saaay can you see, by the dawn's early light,”_ She fought a smile, whoever was outside her door moved, she heard their boots on the floor. How could she hear their boots on the floor?

_“What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,_

_Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,_

_O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?”_ There was chatter. In Russian this time, but she kept on, unable to hide the smirk that maybe, just maybe, she was annoying some one of them. She thought of Bucky and the baseball games he’d take her to, how into the game he was, all wonder and attention to detail, like a little kid, too excited for his team to win.

By the time she was singing about the banner still waving, they had opened the door, a woman this time, in a white lab coat. She came in, a disapproving look on her face, slapped Peggy across the face, hard enough to make her bash her head against the wall behind, before she jammed a needle in her thigh. That she didn’t feel, and shortly thereafter, she felt almost nothing at all. Good, it was better this way.

*********

 

She’d been gone a month, they’d been home a week, and still they heard nothing. Both of them more than frayed at the end of their respective ropes.

Her coffee mug still sat on the kitchen windowsill, her clothes still hung around their room, her laundry in the hamper, her makeup on the vanity was  gathering dust, and not one of them thought to touch it. The first night back was hell, they made dinner for their kid, let her watch some TV, Steve took her for story time though Bucky knew it was another excuse to not be in the same room as him. Steve was a lot of good things, selfless, brave, kind, smart, loving, the list was endless, but he was also human, and he was grieving as much as Bucky was. Just because outwardly their world only saw Bucky’s grief, but no one thought about Steve’s. In his grief, he saw the little shit he had once known. The bitter, angry one that kept it all inside until he was fit to burst. Thing was, Bucky knew this, he felt the same. He was sure whatever anger and bitterness Steve felt toward him, he felt toward himself, he just wished he could fix things.

They were getting reports on the search twice a day through SHIELD, nothing of merit, and as the days went on, he knew, they both knew, what that meant.

The first week, they slept in separate houses, Steve went to his place, Bucky slept on the couch in Peggy’s office. Their room, as it was, well, it just didn’t feel right. Not that it mattered really, neither of them was getting much sleep, but they knew they had to be at least functional for Bella. By their third week home and her sixth week gone, though, Bucky was sure he was losing his mind.

In fact, he was sure of it.

“What are you doing?” Steve asked, Bella in his arms, both of them looking utterly confused. He was gutting out the backyard, not that it was ever really a ‘yard’. It was more overgrown and ignored. “I’m cleaning.”

In fairness, it looked like a bomb had hit it, probably Bucky too. But he had rid the weeds, and lifted all the old stone, so what if he was covered in nature, disgustingly sweaty and on his knees in the dirt? He had a task.

“Buck?”

“We don’t have a yard, Steve. Bella needs a yard.”

Bella looked between both of them, sensing the tension, because hey, kids aren’t dumb.

“Okay,” Steve sounded out. “Except she has one, next door?”

“Well, maybe she needs one in her real home.”

Steve looked like he’d been slapped. He didn’t say anything, just sighed and talked to the kid.

“Come on Bella, we’ve got lunch to make.”

“What about Daddy?” He heard her ask. What he didn’t hear was Steve’s response.

An hour later, Bucky was washed up and seated across from Steve. Bella was propped up on two cushions to reach the table, Steve had already cut her food for her by the time he sat down.

Neither of them spoke to each other. Not that that was anything new at this point. Steve was pissed, though, Bucky knew by the way he chewed.

“Kid, you see Stella-Ann today?” The new kid and her family had moved in across the street, their mom was Louise, and she liked to call for Bella lately, both her and her kid wearing matching sympathetic faces as they did so. Rumours were spreading, that Peggy was MIA, and no one asked, but he had heard the old ladies gossip in the Bodega that she’d left him, and the others correcting in saying that she was ‘working too much for a mother’ and ‘neglecting her wifely duties,’ Bucky’s blood boiled but he said nothing. So, no one knew anything real. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

“Yeah, she and her mom we went to the park and there was a dog, and-and, the man whos was the owner of the dog let us pet it. His name was Stan,” she rambled, breathless, excited. Bucky smiled.

“The dog?”

“No the man, the dog's name was um, was, Marv.”

Steve looked her then, confused. Who the hell named their dog, Marv?

“And he was nice and he said if we sees him again to say hi to Marv because his son didn’t call him anymore.”

Both men took a second from their self-imposed freeze out to look at each other. Bucky patted her on the arm them to get her attention.

“Yeah, okay, no more talking to strangers at the park okay?”

“But he’s not stranger! He’s STAN!” She expressed, her hands out like, ‘how do you not get this?’

Steve smirked, and she caught it, smiled, happy she was being a ham.

“I don’t care, Bella, no more strangers.” Bucky was stern, Bucky was almost never stern, and she noticed that too.

“But his name’s Stan.” she repeated low, this time, picking up her fork, before pouting at her Dad’s tone.

“Bucky it’s okay, she was with a grown-up,” Steve attempted to soothe, but he was met with a glare.

“And that makes it okay? What if he’d been someone else, something that could have hurt her? You think a woman and a kid could have done anything to stop it?”

Steve sighed, and somehow that angered Bucky more.

They continued to eat in silence until Steve got up abruptly and scraped his dish into the garbage, and all but threw it in the sink. Bella jumped at the sound.

“Kid, can you do me a favor? Can you go upstairs for a bit, I need to talk to Steve alone.” Bucky attempted in his most ‘dad’ tone. She wasn’t buying it, she looked from him to Steve, standing over the sink, Bucky noted the tension in his shoulders.

“‘k,” she said as she literally slid from her seat and walked out of the kitchen. Bucky waited until he heard her footsteps on the upstairs hallway before he spoke.

“What is your deal, Steve?”

At that he whipped around, his eyes were red, his cheeks too.

“You don’t get to decide _everything_ , Bucky.”

He stood up then. Folding his arms.

“Meaning?”

“ _MEANING_ that we are in this together, and we should discuss things, changes.”

“I just asked her not to talk to strangers, how is that a thing that’s up for damn debate, Steve?”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“It’s not that and you know it. It’s all of her things, Buck. Her dresser, her mug? You just … took it from the window and washed it and put it away like it meant _nothing_.” Steve was frayed his whole body rigid. His face red. “And her things, you just moved them around, and her clothes are not where they were, and you’re fucking with the garden, and you’re not  … not…”

Bucky nodded as Steve silently held in his tears.

“I was losing my mind up in here, Steve. All of it, just staring at me, getting dirty and neglected, the longer we left it. The longer … she’s gone -”

“And now it’s different and it’s gone too! You don’t GET to just decide those things okay? To the world fine, you’re her husband but Goddamn it, I am too, and I get a say in you just taking her from me!”

“I’m not -”

“Yes. You are,” he fumed. “You always do! Now, you think just ‘cause she’s gone you get to decide _that_ too, well you don’t.”

Bucky bit his cheek. He wanted to sob, he fought that feeling rising up in his chest. Steve was so angry with him that it felt like a bullet to the chest.

“You know what, fuck you Steve. I’m doing my best here but we can’t live in a house like a damn museum, with dust and dirt gathering on her things, it’s not healthy for the kid and it’s not healthy for here,” he pointed to his temple, “either.” Steve was clenching and unclenching his jaw. “You’re treating this place as if she’s dead, Steve.”

At that, Steve threw his hands up and turned away.

“No, I’m not!”

“You are because I see it in your face when you look at me, man. I see it. You blame me for all of this and you know what’s worse? Is that I know you’re right!” Bucky sat then, running his hands down his face. “I’ve seen it on the plane. You hate me for it and I don’t blame you, but you’ve given up. Treating this place like a damn grave,” he sighed.

“You are so full of -”

“Am I? Tell me I’m wrong then huh?” Steve said nothing. “You wanna blame me, go right ahead, whatever you think can’t possibly be any worse than what I think of myself right now.”

Still Steve was silent, and it was all Bucky needed. He merely nodded.

“Blame me all you want, Steve. But treating this place like a tomb won’t bring her back.”

“You had no right -”

“Probably not and I’m sorry okay? But I didn’t know what else to do. Until we’re cleared for active duty again I’m … stuck.”

“You’re stuck, here, with us is that it?”

“Honestly? Yes!”

Steve closed his eyes, disgusted. “So that’s what this is, you don’t want to be here?”

“No.  I do. But I want her here too, I thought out of everyone you’d want the same thing.”

“I DO!”

“Then fucking act like it! She’s not dead. She’s not and the fact that you just gave up on her! You just gave up!”

“We have no proof that she’s alive and just lying to ourselves is not proof enough, one of us has to be realistic here.” Steve moved, tears in his eyes to walk out the door, and Bucky wasn’t done.

“She never gave up on you.” he muttered, knowing how it would sting. “Not once.”

When Steve turned then he was allowing the tears to fall. But Bucky had to say his piece.

“She had faith in you, always had. Right from the start, she believed in you enough to hold on to nonsensical hope that you’d come home. I  didn’t. I was stupid and … realistic.” He swallowed a bitter laugh. “I gave up on you and I don’t think you ever really got over that. I’m sorry every day that I did. Every damn day, Steve.” His voice broke, “So if anything Peg taught me to shun reality, not when there’s still a piece of me that believes, that feels like she’s still out there. Tell me you don’t feel it.”

Steve wiped his nose then before blinking out more of his held in tears.

“And if we’re wrong? How … if we’re just kidding ourselves? What then?”

“That’s then. This is now and now we need to believe we can find her Steve because I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how to be without her anymore…”

Steve nodded allowing Bucky to step into his personal space, to pull him into a hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I screwed up with this, okay? I’m -”

“It’s okay, I get it.” Steve hugged back though and that filled Bucky with relief. They hadn’t connected, mentally or physically since it happened, this was the first real touch in weeks. He sunk into it and they stood there for a long time. Just attempting to heal the hurt, as best they knew how.

                       ***********

There was a lot of people in the room, she was drugged but wide awake. She couldn’t feel what they were doing but almost swore there were phantom pains, as she only imagined what they were at.

“So, the best I can gather is, you’ve been fucking around with my body. My bones. Right?”

No one spoke.

“Because I can feel my legs again, but couldn’t before, see?” She wriggles her toes just because. Again, no one says anything. “And you’re doing so inside my head right now because I can’t move my left arm at  all, so you’re poking around in there, but since I can neither see nor feel anything but I’m obviously still awake, and there’s muttering, I figure that’s what you’re doing.”

Zola sighed.

“And you haven’t knocked me out again, or gagged me, which tells me that you need me awake, which is fine,” She would have shrugged if she could. “The starvation thing isn’t fun, I’m just saying right now. I become a complete ninny when I’m hungry, total lack of cooperation and what have you,” she smiled as Zola sighed again. She was so glad she was annoying him.

It was when she broke into song, he got frustrated and asked the majority of his little worker bee Nazi’s to leave the room.

“Guess they aren’t a fan of Bobby Darin, huh?” She giggled.

“You … I doubt we’ve cracked you so easily. I know you are not insane, and yet you continue to foolishly antagonise me and my staff. Do you like getting into fights?”

Peggy snorted.

“With my hands tied, my legs unable to hold me up and a blindfold to my eyes, I’d hardly call _that_ a fight. A fight is when the two or more can aptly defend themselves, in my opinion at least. What your people do to me is more… a sick sport.”

Her stomach rumbled again. She was starving.

“Hm.” he was still tinkering.

“What I do like is imagining what I’m going to do to you and your people when I get out of here.”

“Is that so?” She heard the smile in his voice.

“Mmm. Wile away many an hour with those ideas. Lots of time on my hands these days, it makes me creative.”

“I’d hope so. Eventually, you will use that creative mind, but in different ways.”

“Art classes for little Nazi babies?” She offered sarcastically. He hit something in her brain and it made her scream. Her whole spine felt like it was being electrocuted.

“Stop attempting to be charming with your misguided wit, it doesn’t work on me.”

She breathed through the pain and didn’t speak again for a few minutes.

“I regret not letting you rot,” she spat. He merely moved around her to check eye movement.

He smelled of antiseptic. It made her want to vomit.

“Do you know what they did with me Agent Carter when you decided to go back on my place within PaperClip?”

Silence.

“They took me to your facility I now know was in Greece, deep underground and I was placed in a cell. Six feet by six feet and eight feet tall. One steel door with air holes and a mattress.”

He tinkered as he spoke. She recalled that it had been her order that removed him after Bucky attacked him and it came to light, she wanted him out of the way.

“It should have been a pine box!” she spat as her spine burned.

“Mmm. I was allowed, soon thereafter however, time to work. Two hours a day to work on my serums. For Mr Stark of course.”

Peggy was reeling. What SHIELD did with him … she never asked. Because ultimately she trusted her friend.

_Her friend who was plotting behind all their backs with this piece of shit!_

“You’re _lying_!” She blurted out, her lips quivering from the pain, now from the shock of learning such a betrayal.

“He hides many things from many people, but here I thought you two were peas in a pod? Hm. Obviously not as close as I imagined. This shocks you? It shouldn’t.”

The pain stopped as if someone flipped a switch. She exhaled and inhaled through ti.

Howard was many selfish things, but this was another thing altogether.

He had sworn to her that he was in prison where he belonged.

“In time with progress came his weakness. He rewarded me, did you know that? The cell got bigger, the meals larger, soon I had my own toilet. Within three years I had made myself invaluable to him. Of course, he insisted I keep the research and progress, where I was … for reasons I now know where you and your …lovers.” He all but snarled but then smiled. “Can you tell it was the same kind of cell you are sleeping in Agent? Though I must tell you now, I am not as soft hearted or as stupid as Howard Stark.”

“Charming.”

“I have no use for charm –“

“Good because you have none.” She interrupted. The pain going through her like lightening again.

He hummed as he rolled around on his stupid little stool to face her.

“I can see why the Captain and the Sergeant Barnes loved you, both that same spirit, strong and beautiful, that inherent need to protect the ones around yo…  it is why you will succeed, Agent. Only now you will protect us.”

He smiled that creepy unsettling smile that Peggy was sure no matter what they did she would never forget. “Or we kill her,” He added with a small shrug as if he didn’t just threaten her baby's life.

She attempted then to fight the restraints, to no avail of course.

“You will comply or we kill her and don’t forget, it would be so easy – the woman takes her to the park at the same time each day since you’ve been gone? Seconds is all it would take to snatch her, or put a bullet through her adorable little head.”

She gritted her teeth.

“They will find you, and this time, I won't be there to stop Bucky from crushing you like last time. That's if Steve hasn't ripped your heart out first.” She all but screamed.

That's where you’re wrong, my dear. They won’t, because you will be there to shield us. You will be our new asset, Miss Carter.” He grinned again and her blood ran cold. Whatever fight she had in her all but dissipated.

“Soon they will have no pesky emotional reign over you, and then, then you will kill them all.”

Before she could speak again, before she could protest. She saw the needle and then she saw nothing at all.

The world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi again! Thanks for the love on the previous chapter, it means the world and is, as you can see SUPER encouraging! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, therapy is still available in the comments, open all hours lol! Come say hey!! xoxo


	43. Little Spiders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Steve and Bucky float further apart, Peggy pays the price for her kindness as she meets some incy wincy spiders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Apologies for whatever in the hell is going on with this formatting guys. I've attempted to fix it but it's being a pain in the arse. Regardless, I hope the chapter is enjoyable! More soon! x

 

 

She heard the birds chirping, the rustling of the leaves on the trees, she felt the world around her and she knew where she was. She was sleeping on the old tartan blanket and in Bucky’s arms. The shade of the tree they sat under

kept the sun from her eyes as she hummed contented to herself.

  
She even felt the heat on her skin, that’s how real it felt.

 

“Let’s stay here forever,” she murmured, as she opened her eyes. Bucky had his hand on her knee, patting it in agreement. In the distance she saw Steve and Isabella by the pond, feeding the ducks, they had been there ages as it was but she was still utterly captivated, and frankly so was Steve.

 

She smiled to herself, “He’s so good with her.”

 

At that, Bucky looked over too.

 

“He is – he’s a natural. She has him wrapped around her little fingers though,” he smirked as a duck came to close and the baby was over excited. She was a year and a half here, beginning to find her little personality.

 

“As if she doesn’t have _you_ there too,” Peggy corrected, smiling.

 

It was summer and hot as hell in the city, but they braved it because they could. In her mind the park was empty but she knew that wasn’t the case. In reality they had a picnic and drank some wine; the baby was happy and loved

walking barefoot on the grass. Peggy had grass stains on her pink skirt, but she didn’t care then and she didn’t care now.

 

“She’s like her mother in that aspect got us guys head over heels for them and their charms.”

 

“Oh, you _poor_ souls!” She faked gasped and he nudged her.

 

“She needs her mother, though, we need her mother.” That wasn’t how the conversation went, she knew that but she was powerless to stop it.

 

“Not really much I can do about that now, is there?”

  
“Isn’t there?” He countered.

 

“I’m stuck. I’ve tried to fight it, but I can’t. I’m just so tired, my darling. The things they’ve done…” she feels as if she may be sick. She can’t talk about those things, not yet.

 

“You need to try harder, I know you. You don’t just give up because something’s hard, Carter? You keep going _because_ it’s hard. We need you back, Darlin’, deep down you know that.”

 

“I just wish… you were both here. I just want to go home.”

 

“Then start packin’, because we’re coming to get you.”

 

As she opened her eyes she mourned the loss of them all over again. Instead of the sunny park in the middle of New York, she was in her cell.

 

With only Elvis for company.

 

Sure, he was a rat, and he would probably eat her given the chance, but as it stood they were buds.

 

“Lookin’ good Elvis how’s the family?” She asked, sitting up straight, against the wall. He made that pitter-patter sound as he explored the cell, looking for crumbs. She was sad to tell him they wouldn’t find any with her.

 

“They don’t feed me, so sorry to say they won’t be feeding you.”

 

She tried to get up, and succeeded.

 

“Thank heavens for small mercies,” she told Elvis, before she stretched, hitting the ceiling on her tippy toes. Some much needed stretching, and some much needed push ups before she returned to her place. There was only so

much she could do, of course, being chained down. But she made it work for her until they came for her.

 

The same time every day.

 

Exactly twenty-four minutes after sunrise, Humpty and Dumpty, as she called them, would open the cell door as loudly as possible, to un-chain and drag her out. She learned quickly to be awake before that happens; otherwise

 

she gets a kick somewhere delicate.

 

From there it was routine now, the hose, the tube, the table.

 

The hose filled with nothing but ice water, the tube filled with mush - though it kept her alive so that was something, and then of course, the table. They’d strap her down and wheel her to him. She could count twenty-six days that

 

she was aware of this happening. But it told her nothing of her real time, wherever this was, she had been rendered unconscious and out of it for such long extended periods of time, she could have been gone years for all she

 

really knew.

 

“Good morning, Doc'.” she said as they wheeled her in, chirpy as the birds in her dream. The doctor looked perplexed.

 

“You’re in a good mood this morning.”

 

 

“I am, the gruel was particularly tasty this morning, I guess it just set me up for the day.” She shrugged with a terrifyingly convincing smile. He nodded before narrowing his eyes at her suspiciously.

 

He was all set up already. His preferred classical music played somewhere in the background as usual. He liked Mozart, Peggy now hated Mozart.

 

“It shall just be us today, won’t that be nice.” He added before she was transferred to his table, and strapped into place again.

 

“As always, a thrill,” she deadpanned, before one of them jabbed her with a numbing agent. Seconds later, she couldn’t feel her arms.

 

_So it was arm day._

 

***

“Humanity is flawed that we know. Science is flawless. There is always an answer to a problem. You and the others like you are our answer. No more talk.”

 

She merely laughed at him.

 

“Is that is then? We … our _flaws_ make you uncomfortable? We make you uneasy because of our desires? Does desire _scare_ you, Doctor?” She asked, watching him putter around with test tubes of her blood. She wanted to vomit

 

again but there was nothing left.

 

“Quiet.”

 

“So, desire and freedoms scare you. Christ, sex for you must have been a two for one on a nightmare of a time huh?”

 

He merely grimaced. Good, she was making him squirm whether he knew it or not.

 

“You people are animals,” He repeated.

 

“Mmm. Yes. You said that. Reasonably right really. Eating, fucking, dying it’s all _very_ unseemly.” She giggled. She had clearly lost her marbles she thought.

 

He rolled his eyes.

 

“Have you ever been fucked, Doctor?” he stumbled with a tube then, it clattered against other glass on the table. She almost smirked as the shocks when through her system. She was surprised she could still speak so casually.

 

Maybe she was getting used to it.

 

“SILENCE.”

 

“I mean really honestly, thoroughly and _completely_ buggered? It’s wonderful. Honest. You should try it some time. Meet a nice insane Nazi scientist girl … or boy if that’s what tickles your fancy … and go to town.”

 

He turned back and stabbed her in the chest with an injection. She coughed and winced but said nothing. Instead, she surprised herself by laughing.

 

“I mean, getting fucked by one man who knows what he’s doing can be life altering, but with two?” She made a whistling noise and was practically giddy that it bugged him

 

He sneered.

 

“ _Disgusting_ ,” He muttered loud enough for her to hear.

 

“Sometimes it felt like that, in the best of ways because oh, the freedom in giving myself over to the two people who loved me most? I swear, science has nothing on love.”

 

“Love?” He spat. “You are a foolish, idiot of a girl. It was not love you shared with them, it was fear and pain and desperation not to be left out all alone so you twist yourself into what they want.”

 

He was maybe a little, deep down somewhere dark a little right, but it was mostly so very, very wrong. So she just rolled her eyes through the pain.

 

“Listen, I know Bucky is everyone’s type an all, but my files said you had taken quite the shine to him. What did that mean exactly?”

 

“He was my masterpiece.” He replied after a time.

 

Like Steve was Howard’s, she thought. The two men in her world were products of mad men on power trips. Well, at least three was company, for them as always.

 

“He’s never let what you did to him win, you know that right? He’s still one of the best people I know, and I know a lot of people.”

 

“I didn’t get to finish with him, but that’s what you’re here for my dear.” He grinned and it took every inch of restraint to not head-butt him where she laid, but she knew if she did they’d just leave in the dark for a week like they did

last time. He still sported a nice shiny scar, but she remembered the punishment far more vividly than any mark she left on him.

*****

“What about this cereal?” Bucky asked holding up the corn flakes, his baby shrugged from her seat in the cart.

 

“I want these!” She wasn’t letting go of the box of sugar she’d found much more appealing due to their colourful appearance. He sighed. Steve was better at this than he was; she listened to him without screaming the house down.

 

There were women watching him, there were always women watching him when it came to shopping. He seemed so out of place. And in truth, he was. It was women and their kids, or Nanny’s and someone else’s kids. He ignored

 

the funny looks though, hanging out with Steve his whole life, he was used to the side ways looks of judgmental people. He just hated the idea that they were judging his kid.

 

“Bucky Barnes?” came the voice as he rounded aisle four, he needed milk. He looked back and sure enough there was a woman, he knew her once upon a time.

 

“Jane?”

 

She beamed. “It is you! How the hell are you?”

 

“Oh I’m –“

 

“And who is this little princess?” She directed at Isabella, she just held her bunny up to her face. Not in the mood for this, a bit like her dad.

 

“This is Isabella, she’s … shy today, _apparently_.” He deadpanned at his kid, yanking the bunny down comically, before she yanked it back up.

 

“How are you, Jane?”

 

“I’m well, as well as can be expected really. I just moved back from the mid-west, that life –“ she rolled her eyes, “just wasn’t for me. I’m a Brooklyn girl, you know how it is.”

 

Yeah he knew.

 

“You been back long?”

 

“Few months, been dealing with things – My husband and I divorced.”

 

He frowned.

 

“Sorry to hear that.”

 

She nodded. “It’s been hard but no harder than living with that man,” she rolled her eyes at herself, “Listen to me rambling on, how are you? I haven’t seen you –“

 

Since the week before he shipped out, he cringed thinking of what they did together last time he saw her.

 

“Before the war.”

 

She nodded her smile coy now.

 

Oh fuck. Was she flirting with him? Had it been so long that he didn’t know what that looked like anymore?

 

“I heard, about your um, your wife…” she whispered, and his hand gripped the handle of the cart that much harder.

 

“What exactly have you heard,” he added, sharply and she noticed.

 

“Oh, no… just … well gossip really.”

 

“What kind of gossip?”

 

“Just …” she was aware of how tense he was now, he saw the regret in her eyes. “That she left you…”

 

He nodded. Peggy had been gone six months now, things were incredibly tense. He was home this week and off to Europe the next, when Steve was home. One of them was always home for the baby. That was their deal, no matter

 

what. But six months was still a long time, and a longer time still for the gossips of Brooklyn.

 

“Sweetheart,” he smiled, “I’m sure you remember how the oldies are around here, and if you’ve moved all the way back home I wager it was to avoid the same kind of stories you’re helpin’ tell on me.”

 

“No Bucky I’d –“

 

“You remember that story running around about you and Jeff Simmons way back when that you did him and his six brothers?”

 

She blushed.

 

“Right, so you know how easy it is to spread _lies_ around here, and how much it might hurt if it got back to the person, right?”

 

She nodded her face scarlet with embarrassment.

 

“I’m sorry I just assumed they were right, I mean everyone –“

 

“Well everyone is full of shit, Jane. My wife has a very important job, and it takes her away from home often. Like now. So if they ask, and I’m sure they will because they’ve been watching us talk for five minutes now,” he nodded to

 

the register where old Mrs Atkinson was standing watching with no shame.

 

“Bucky I’m sorry, really.”

 

“It’s fine. So am I. Welcome home, Jane.” He added with a softer tone this time, he felt the hiccup of emotion bubble up inside him as he walked away, throwing two bags of potatoes into the card as he did so.

 

“Daddy you said shit.” Bella whispered at him with a giggle, even if it sounded out more like ‘sith’ when she said it.

 

He just poked her belly.

 

“Don’t you tell Steve?”

 

She smiled, hugging her sugary cereal, which he was allowing her to have, because fuck the world that’s why.

 

**************

 

“I won’t do it!!” She said to the glass, she knew they were watching, she knew what this was. She had been put through physical tests for days now; they took her out, for the first time in however long she’d been there – outside.

 

Fresh air, sunlight – as frosty and cold as it was she inhaled big and wide and choked herself in the process. Even though she was chained to three guards and made run and jump and climb and crawl for three hours, she almost

 

enjoyed it, because it was outside. But then they took her inside again, then it was weapons – disassembling, assembling, monitoring her brain activity as she did. It didn’t matter how many times she attempted to tell them that

 

she could do this by the time she was seventeen, they still insisted on monitoring.

 

Always monitoring now.

 

This though, this was something she wasn’t so up for agreeing to so easily, or at all.

 

It was a classroom, one filled with eleven little girls. All of the girls were sitting at desks, writing or drawing. The oldest she guessed was no more than twelve, the youngest, Jesus, no more than five.

 

She knew what she was asked to do, they made it clear. She was to go in there and eliminate the targets.

 

She expected men, she expected … not little girls.

 

They didn’t look up, they didn’t react to this person in the room, dressed in black from head to toe, Peggy had pulled the balaclava off, exposing her face, her now completely shaved head. She looked on, aghast at the girls she

 

was expected to just murder.

 

“You were warned of the punishment if you do not obey,” Zola’s voice told her, and yeah she knew. The hole, plus starvation maybe a beating or two - the thing was, she was always hungry anyway, always, she had lost so much

 

weight since the time of her capture, and though she had not seen a mirror, she could look down and see a ghost of a body she once knew so well. She knew what she must look like, but she was used to it now. The beatings rarely

 

hurt that much anymore, whatever they did to her bones – they had to try extra hard to literally break her now, so that was a plus. But it was when they got creative; the waterboarding was her least favourite thing in life. But, if it

 

meant sparing the little girls she could take it.

 

She looked over them again, her gun cocked in her hand, the teacher - or whatever the hell she actually was, looked up now, Peggy saw the gun under the desk, she sensed the clinking of the metal. Before the blonde teacher had

 

the chance, Peggy put a bullet through her head.

 

Before she could speak or breathe more than once, the little girls moved in sync with each other and suddenly Peggy had eleven guns pointed right at her.

 

Her heart stammered. It was a trap.

 

_Of course it was._

 

Her head was clouded, it was what they wanted? To test her emotional response? She had failed in any event, she had let her heart rule her, and for that she would be punished. One girl, a redhead with big green eyes and skin as

 

pale as Peggy’s, shook her head at Peggy.

 

“You should have just killed us,” She said in Russian accented English. “It would have been easier on you if you had.”

 

The other girls looked dead behind the eyes, but not this girl.

 

This girl had something else. A soul, perhaps, Peggy wondered for half a second before the little red-headed girl with a soul made a motion and the others cocked their guns.

 

“That was stupid of you, Soldier.” She spoke, her eyes calm but focused. Peggy noted she had the same scares as Dottie, they all did, from years of being chained to beds, she decided.

 

“We should kill you for your failure, but that is not what they want.” Red said nudging toward the mirror, where they all knew they were being watched. “But it will hurt.”

 

And before she could speak, they aimed and fired all at once.

 

Eleven bullets. Three in one arm – shoulders, forearm, then one in the kidney, two in the stomach, her legs, her knees, her ankles, she was riddled with bullets the force of which knocked her back, the pain shot through her, not

 

unlike the pain on the table with Zola a time or two. She remembered the little girl with the big green eyes as she lost consciousness, even in her pain Peggy was glad she didn’t kill them because it meant Zola didn’t get what he

 

wanted.

 

Or maybe he did. She wasn’t even sure what that was anymore.

 

****************

 

“Okay, good girl, see now flatten that down, right inside.” Steve said as he and Bella sat at the kitchen table, sealing her latest letter and drawing for Peggy inside the envelope. Bucky’s heart ached at the sight of it, but it was her new

 

normal. In the evening they’d sit down and read, and then they – either him or Steve would write everything Bella wanted to tell her mom that day, while she drew her mom a picture. Sometimes, she and Steve painted one, let it dry

 

and kept it special for ‘when she comes home,’ but every time a new picture would get finished, she would … realise how long it had been.

 

Judging by how sad she looked in that moment, it was one of those nights. She huffed to herself as she moved from the table back into the living room where he stood, before she hugged his legs.

 

“What’s up, Cinders?” He asked but looked to Steve who merely shrugged.

 

“She never writes back.” Came the muffled response to his knees. Steve’s face got all tight and pinched before he got up to dump his coffee in the sink.

 

“Come on Darlin’, you know why.”

 

She pouted, “‘Cause of the no post boxes?”

 

“Right.” He felt awful lying like they were, but it was that or a truth none of them were willing to face. “So, just know that she gets them all and loves them all.”

 

“But how’s you know?”

 

Steve continued to passive aggressively tidy up.

 

“Because I know she loves you, and anything she’d get from you she’d love just as much.” At that he scooped her up, “So, chin up buttercup,” he said, tickling her chin until she hid her head in his shoulder. “And off to bed we go.”

 

He carried her over to where Steve stood.

 

“Say goodnight to Steve.”

 

She pouted again but put her arms up for a hug which he happily obliged anyway.

 

“G’night Stevie, love you.”

 

“Night Bella, love you too.”

 

“Bed,” Bucky added before swooping her around in a circle, making her scream. Probably not the best tactic to calm her down, but he hated her sad face.

 

“ _No_!!” she protested, but he took her anyway, up the stairs in no time at all, to find her room gently lit, with her pyjamas laid out on her bed, and her nightlight on.

 

“Come on, Cinders. Beauty sleep.”

 

“I is already beautiful.” She sassed and he smiled, because he wouldn’t argue with that. Her curls longer now, neither he nor Steve would cut her hair, it felt wrong somehow, maybe Peggy wanted her kid to grow her hair however

 

she wanted it? And she seemed happy with it, so they let it be. After she’d gotten changed and into bed, they decided on a different story this night. This one was the three bears, which he had to read three times before he looked

 

up to see her softly snoozing on her tummy. It was only when he was tucking her in that he noticed it.

 

Under her pillow, the photo, it was crumpled and worn from constant touch. He closed his eyes as soon as he realised what it was. It was her, Bella and Peggy together, it was Christmas, and they were sitting reading in the

 

arm-chair down stairs, both of them engrossed, Bella in the book, Peggy looking at Bella. He remembered Steve had taken it, but he had no idea where she even found it though, or how long she was hiding it.

 

“I miss her too, kid.” He whispered before putting the photo back, and kissing his daughter on the cheek.

 

He’d ship out two days later, this time they were scouring with an ex-Hydra agent in southern Italy. He hated the idea of leaving her, as always, but the thought of Peggy never seeing her kid again, was enough to fuel him on.

 

What was more exhausting though was his relationship with Steve.

 

Since Peggy, things had ultimately shifted, and for the worse. It seemed as if, with her as their missing piece, now, they just didn’t fit like they used to. He still loved his guy, of course, and he knew that Steve loved him too, but

 

there was something broken between them – be it grief or blame, or whatever it was. They were so focused on the cause, on the mission and on the baby, that them… the both of them as a twosome wasn’t high on the priority list

 

anymore.

 

Or worse still, it wasn’t on the list at all.

 

They sometimes slept in the same bed, most of the time not though, Steve made excuses, and to be fair, sometimes he did too. On his side at least, it wasn’t as if he wasn’t still head over heels in love with or attracted to his guy,

 

he was, but it was as if the grief was … in a sense, blocking all that out. They had awkwardly made an attempt on each other, weeks after she was taken. It had lasted all of ten minutes before Bucky pulled away, sensing Steve’s

 

hesitation, perhaps obligation? Whatever it was, it wasn’t need or want, so he backed off. That had been months ago, but neither of them seemed into trying again.

 

Maybe, he thought, this is just what happens, like with his folks, he was sure when they grew up and grew older they just stopped having sex. As much as he didn’t want to think about THAT, it made a kind of sense. Maybe you just

 

didn’t do that anymore…

 

By the time he’d cleaned the bathroom, and washed up himself, he returned to their room to find Steve sitting up in bed reading, it went unspoken that he’d sleep there that night then. Bucky didn’t acknowledge it, instead went

 

about his business, changing into sleep pants, shedding his socks. Late August in New York was always a fresh hell, even at night it was insanely hot.

 

“We need a new air conditioning unit for the living room,” Steve noted, not taking his eyes off the book as Bucky got in bed next to him.

 

“Okay, yeah it finally go on the fritz?”

 

“Mm, this afternoon, made a noise like a shot, scared Bella something rotten.”

 

“Shit.” He responded, before reaching over Steve to grab his own book. Both of them sat reading for maybe ten minutes, before Steve spoke.

 

“I’m going to LA, while you’re gone, Bella too.”

 

“Angie?”

 

 

“Yeah, she’s working super hard out there. She’s a little home sick, I figured we’d go, stay with Jarvis and Ana, see the sights with Bella maybe.”

 

Something about him and Angie playing house with their kid rubbed him the wrong way, but it wasn’t like he could object, not really.

 

“Sounds fine,” still reading and he was reminded so starkly of how far apart they were now, even in the same bed.

 

“Great.”

 

He knew that when Angie had come to him four months earlier, guilty looking and sad to tell him she’d been offered a contract with a big stupid out west, but didn’t want to leave him – or them really – in their hour of need, that

 

Steve would insist she go. It was the point – or at the very least her end of the bargain, with their arrangement. Exposure with America’s Golden Boy, to get her into the business. And hey, it worked. It wasn’t’ their fault that Peggy

 

was taken, it was his, she should live her life, it was her dream and no one was going to hold her back no matter how much like family she’d become to Steve.

 

Steve sighed at his book, Bucky knew that sigh.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing –“

 

Bucky just cocked a brow, and he caved.

 

“It’s just, she keeps asking questions.”

 

“Angie?”

 

“ _Bella_.”

 

“Oh yeah, I know, we just … I don’t know Steve, we just have to wing it?”

 

“I know, I know that, but … it’s getting harder, you know it is. I hate lying to her about this.”

 

“So, what? We tell her the truth?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“No, of course not, I just worry we’re gonna fuck her up.”

 

“We’re already lying to her about who you are to her parents, and that was your idea if you recall.” At that Steve wore his Guilt Face. Bucky knew that face well too. And it had been, Steve’s idea, that is. When she got old enough to

 

name Steve – both Peggy and Bucky naïvely perhaps, had thought he’d just be Papa, or some variation on dad, until Steve slapped them with a dose of reality.

 

So, he became Uncle Steve, and they started to pretend again. She was still young enough that his ‘sleep overs’ went unnoticed entirely, but they knew there’d be a day when the bedroom door would have to be locked or, things

 

changed.

 

“It was unavoidable, you know that too.”

 

“I do.” He answered, turning his attention back to his book, before Steve took it gently out of his hands, and maneuvered to he was up and straddling his hips.

 

“We don’t touch each other anymore,” Steve blurted, his cheeks pink and it took him a second to meet Bucky’s eyes. Yeah, he had noticed, to say the least.

 

“Steve –“

 

“We don’t.”

 

“No, we don’t. I …”

 

“I get it, I do, we’ve … there’ve been more important things for us to … do. And it’s not the same without her.” Steve added though he was so tense it felt as though all the muscles under his skin were strained.

 

“No it’s not.” Bucky admitted with no hesitation.

 

Steve looked resigned at that, with a sigh he looked down unsure of where they went next, things had been so stressed and rightfully so, but they were so far apart now emotionally that it was difficult to see a pathway back

 

through the fog.

 

Before he could speak up though, they both startled when they heard the scream coming from Bella’s room. Both Steve and Bucky were there in seconds.

 

She was curled up at the head of her bed, with her bunny, sobbing. Both men attempted to comfort and distract her, their conversation dead in the air as they looked confused at one another.

 

 

By the time they’d gotten information out of their kid, it was enough to send shivers down their spine.

 

“The man left … he went upstairs.” She blurted out, causing Bucky's skin to rise with goose bumps.

 

“There is no man honey, you were just dreaming.”

 

“No, Stevie, the man with the… the camera.”

 

 

The air felt as though it had been sucked out of the room then, as the men looked at each other.

 

Surely not? Not without them noticing?

 

Steve held on to her as Bucky attempted to slip from the room. There was a gun under the table outside their bedroom, strapped there; the bullets were in the drawer. In seconds he’d locked and loaded it and tiptoed up the stairs,

 

to check. His daughter was adamant.

 

His blood ran cold when he saw it, the office window wasn’t open but the inside lock was flipped. There were fingerprints in the dust on the windowsill.

 

Clenching his jaw, he checked the rest of the house to be sure before returning to Steve and Isabella.

 

“Steve, pack her things, you guys are going to LA tomorrow.”

 

They had a silent conversation with their eyes until they got her back to sleep, as soon as they did though, they called in the incident to SHIELD, and unearthed Peggy’s weapons stash throughout the house. Every window and door

 

was reinforced; the loft was checked three times, the basement booby-trapped. Either way, they realised it wasn’t safe anymore, it was more than compromised. But it also meant one major thing.

 

Peggy was definitely still alive. And that, that made the next few months more bearable than they had been before. The hope, at least for Bucky, was strengthened stronger than ever.

 

************

 

She cracked open her eyes and they felt wielded shut, dry and course. Her throat felt like she’s swallowed glass – and maybe she had. Licking her lips she attempted to sit up, and found, amazingly that she could

 

He was sitting by her bedside.

 

“Why am I not dead?” she asked, scratchy voiced and weak.

 

He didn’t answer.

 

“Why am I alive? Those little bitches shot me full of lead, I don’t understand.”

 

Then he smiled.

 

“Because we designed you this why, that’s why. Non-fatal shots were fired, we made sure of that to … test how things were progressing, and I can see now they were progressing nicely.”

 

“So it was a trick then, you knew I wouldn’t…”

 

“No, I knew you wouldn’t. But you will. Soon you will, we can take care of that.” He shook his head, the grin fading, “but you are more now, better, stronger, faster, more than the weakling you were before, eleven bullet wounds and

 

look, not a scratch on you.”

 

Peggy closed her eyes.

 

“So, are you saying I can’t die?”

 

“No, I’m saying we’ve tested ways in which to kill you and you’ve passed every test… so far. I am good, but I am not God.”

 

She huffed then, taking a deep breath.

 

“The way you behave one would assume you’d want the mantle of God, not shy away from it.”

 

“I am something better, I am a man who defied the odds, and you … my creation. When we’re finished, you will see.”

 

She glared then, but he only smiled.

 

“I don’t wish to resort to more …drastic measures, but I will if you leave me no choice.”

 

She stayed silent.

 

“You will comply, or we won’t be having such a pleasant conversation next time.” He added in a more harsh tone now, clearly annoyed at her lack of communication.

 

Before she had the chance to speak again, the bed she was strapped to was being wheeled away. She knew where by now, she knew the corridors. Back to her cell, where she was unceremoniously dumped back into the dark – but

 

before she could catch herself she noticed something different about the cell.

 

It was covered in photographs.

 

In her gut she knew of what, in her gut she felt it before she saw them. The small light coming through her tiny window allowed her to see them as she got closer to the walls.

 

Her baby. Her family.

Her hands went to her mouth to suppress the sob that was sure to escape as she looked on. Tears falling of their own accord, her legs felt like jelly, her arms light weights, her head light.

 

Photo after photo of her kid – at the park, on a swing, at the door of their house, with Steve in the car, with Bucky at the store…

 

 

_Jesus Christ._

 

As she got closer to the center of the room she saw it, this wasn’t just outside from a hidden point of view this was inside their house.

 

Inside her bedroom. Peggy swore her heart stopped.

 

There she was, bigger now, her hair a little longer, sound asleep in her little bed. At that Peggy didn’t bother holding back the sobs that escaped her, she couldn’t.

 

This was how they were going to do it. They knew the violence washed off her like water, the pain, the starvation, the suffering; she could withstand it all - after all it was what she was trained for, but this, this was her weakness. Her

 

men, to an extent were, but what threat was Hydra to them, really, they could defend themselves. But her baby girl, no, she was innocent and helpless, and they knew this was what they needed to do to get to her.

 

She took several deep breaths, attempting to collect herself, grasping the photo of her sleeping daughter.

 

If this was how they wanted to play the game, she thought, they had better suit the fuck up.

 

She banged on her cell door for two minutes exactly before a guard came and opened the latch.

 

“Tell Zola… he has my co-operation.”

 

The guard nodded and slammed the latch shut again.

 

Peggy took the moment to grieve. For her life, for her loves, for her baby; because she was going to do whatever it took to get back to them, but fully understood that in doing so, she might never get back at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what will Peggy do to earn their trust? Will the guys ever get a lead on her whereabouts? Will they find her before Steve and Bucky lose themselves? 
> 
> More soon as I've already started on the next one so if you're still on board come say hi! 
> 
> Therapy still available ;)


	44. Bring Her Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy takes matters into her own hands, Bucky's sanity is hanging by a thread and Steve Rogers is only human after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is rather mammoth so be prepared. Maybe go pee, grab a snack, and enjoy! It sits at over 15.5 thousand words, so my hand cramp and I appreciate the continued support with your reading and your reviews! Much love!! xo

                                                                                                           

 

Her ears were ringing from the explosives, she was sure she was bleeding from her temple where he hit her, but her grip on his collar never let up as she all but dragged him from the building. There was, at least, five hundred meters of corners and corridor between her and freedom, with Zola by her side bleeding but moving, she took out anyone that stood in her way – those crazy Hydra laser guns really worked a treat when she needed them to.

“Move or I break your other leg.” She threatened, pushing him forward when he began to lag. Smoke filled the building and she imagined for most, it was difficult to see. Not for her, though.  Her balaclava helped, but she realised it wasn’t affecting her lungs at all.

_ Huh. Interesting. _

Another explosion went off behind them, she wants to say it was coming from the cells, but being slightly disorientated made it unclear. To hurry things along, she pushed him ahead of her again and again until they got to the door and he was asked to make himself useful by entering the first of what she thought to be three codes for three doors that led them outside the compound.

Two more doors, codes, a beep and a rattle and they were out.  Outside the walls of the compound, she took her first deep breath in what feel like days, before she kicked him along the snow covered ground.

“Now, you’re getting me out of here. Radio it in,” she threw the walkie at his head, he was laying whimpering on the ground, blood-soaked and uninteresting.

“I cannot, the compound is on lock down because of what you did –“

“The place is burning to the ground; they’ll _expect_ you to radio for an SOS. Now do it.”

He glared at her but took the contraption in hand, and switched it to the appropriate channel, and made the SOS call.  She had maybe ten seconds lost in her thoughts when she heard the distinct sound of a helicopter chopping its way toward them.

“That was scarily fast,” She said to him, making him look up. He just blanched more, if possible.

“That is not ours.” He admitted and Peggy instantly tensed, she was still stood head to toe in black, probably bleeding out though she didn’t feel it, her balaclava still in place when the black helicopter landed, and out jumped two familiar figures.

Her heart all but jumped into her throat.

_ It was them. _

They had found her.

How? Was this even  real? She wasn’t sure it was real. She wasn’t sure this wasn’t just another dream, like the countless others she’d had. They had their guns aimed at her, she had lost herself in thought again, and they were yelling at her in German, Steve in Russian, the other one in the helmets in English.

“Put down the fucking weapon or we kill you, put down the fucking weapon –“

The snow fell rapidly now around them in flurries, from the wind and from the motion of the chopper as Bucky got her by the shoulder, still yelling. She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t respond.

“Where the fuck is Peggy Carter?!” before he yanked off her mask, his mouth instantly falling agape, Steve lowered his machine gun, the other one in the helmet stepping back.

“Peg?” Bucky asked, his eyes wide, taking in her form in front of him. She wasn’t shocked at his reaction, she was sure she was a shadow of the woman he had married. Steve was as white as the snow they stood on.

_ She was free. _

 

**Three Months Earlier.**

 

Steve sat and watched her as she collected water and sand in her bucket, talking to herself and the sea as she did so. He smiled, as she twirling a little missing the waves under her little feet.

“Does she have enough sunblock on?” Angie asked, taking a seat next to him on the blanket.

“Yeah, I just reapplied,” He confirmed as she handed him a soda, from behind her big glasses and even bigger had she nodded. It was early November, and it wasn’t really that warm, but Angie was a stickler for sun safety.

“Good, the California sun is fantastic, but it's hell on us, pale girls.”

Steve smiled.

“So I’ve heard.” He motioned to himself, already starting to turn pink, because of course he was. Down the beach Ana and Edwin were coming back from there walk, sure they were about half a mile down, but he could see them perfectly.

“This is nice, I’m glad you forced us to come here.” He took a big deep breath, looking out at the crashing waves.

“Forced you, you make it sound so evil.” She laughed. “But yes, that little girl needed some fresh air and you too for that matter.” They had been in Los Angeles for three weeks, ever since the incident at the brownstone and the idea of returning to New York had filled him with dread. Bucky had left when they did, and they assigned a special agent from SHIELD’s security to take over watch on the houses until they returned.

If they returned.

It felt soiled now, somehow.

_Tainted_.

“Any word?”

“No, I mean, he called last night and talked to Bella about her birthday, but other than that, it was one word answers or grunts.  I …” Steve shrugged. “I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s not that we don’t want to communicate, but it’s as if we’ve forgotten how.”

She nodded, sipping her soda.

“It’s been hard; on all of us, but you both … I mean how could it not have been? And Bucky’s not an easy man to know –“

“But I know him. Or at least, I used to. Now? I couldn’t tell you the last real conversation we had, and that scares me to death.” He added, keeping an eye on their girl. She was now running toward Jarvis and Ana, they had shells.

“You just have to force a sit-down, call it all out there.”

“Easier said …”

“It always is, Steve. But this is you guys we’re talking about you know? I refuse to believe that you can’t find a way back from wherever it is you’re both stuck now. Emotionally speaking, you know?”

“You don’t think less of me for spilling my guts to you about this?”

She scoffed.

“Trust me I’d rather an emotionally transparent man, than the emotionally constipated jerks I meet. Emote away, if it’s one thing I understand it’s the need to act out.” She smiled raising her perfect brows above the huge sunglasses.

“Miss Barnes wishes me to inform you, Captain, that she is and I quote  _ ‘so starving, so can we go eat now?’ _ ” Mr Jarvis announced coming up the beach to where they sat, a smile on his sunburnt face. “She and Ana are saying goodbye to the  _ fishies _ apparently,” the older man sighed and it made Steve smile.

“Sure thing, Jarvis, I wanna take us all out for dinner, some place … not Howard fancy. Sound good?”

“Sounds marvellous!” came Ana’s response as she came to their side with Bella by the hand,  the two of them had bonded instantly in their time in LA, and for that Steve was pleased. Ana was a fun person, one not bogged down in their everyday drama, but still someone who understood loss and exactly how it impacted those around her, including that of losing a mother. She had said as much to Steve, so taking Bella under her wing was welcomed.

Hell, they’d all taken them under wings, and frankly, he wasn’t sure who needed it more, Bella, or himself.

They packed up their beach gear and headed to the cars, heading out for what would be a wonderfully mundane dinner, and tucking Bella into a bed in a home she was safe in.

If Stark was good for one thing, it was keeping them safe.

He just wished Bucky would call.

                                                                       *****

“UNCLE JARVIS LOOK IT!” She screamed on the back of the pony, the new Shetland pony that arrived suspiciously two days after they did. Poor Jarvis was at his wits end with all the animals wandering Stark’s property, but Bella was having a ball. There was an assortment of birds, tropical fish, a monkey, the evil Flamingo, three dogs, two cats, and now the pony. Steve just shook his head as he got snap after snap of her hilarious facial expressions as Ana led her around the grass, strapped into a harness securely, but still. It was all things considered, a good day. Her fourth birthday was one of singing and candles and cake, Jarvis baked one just for her and let her decorate it and everything. Despite missing mom and her dad, the kid was a trooper. Steve wasn’t sure how he’d do it without everyone around him though.

“Oh dear Lord, Ana do be  _ careful _ !” Jarvis asked as he worried from across the yard; he was facing off with said evil flamingo, much to Steve and Angie’s amusement.

“I’m going to go make us some lunch,” Steve decided, what he was really going to do was check for any telegrams, or phone calls, then make Bella her tea.

He was halfway through making her ‘bangers and mash’ as requested when the call came.

“You sound tired,” He commented, leaning against the kitchen counter, talking to his guy on the phone, finally.

“I am, but it's fine, we’re running on a lead we found just outside of Moscow. So, we’ll see how that pans out. How’s Isabella?”

“She’s good, she’s really good. Got to New York in a snap once she saw Howard’s new pony, which to be honest, I suspect wasn’t on the agenda for his zoo until she arrived.” Steve smiled, “But she’s asking for you, every day, every night.”

“She still asks for Peg?”

Steve closed his eyes, the answer was no, not really, at first it had been every night, now it was every other night, if at all. They still wrote their letters, but it was as if she had resigned herself to the fact that mom wasn’t coming back – her heart wasn’t in it anymore. He would never say that to Bucky though, not when he was working himself to the bone trying all they could to get any sort of clue on where she might have ended up. Steve knew when Bucky got back he’d get the itch to go in his place, to fight for her, it was just how it went now, regardless of how fruitless their searches turned out. He felt helpless otherwise, and he hated that feeling.

“Yeah she does, the first few nights she slept in with me, guess she was still   shaken, but since, she’s been enjoying her room here.”

“Yeah, she told me, Stark really does overcompensate huh? If he ever has kids of his own they’re going to be fuckin’ weird.”

At that, Steve did laugh. It was odd; they could converse better on the phone, through letters, than in person now. He wasn’t sure what that meant. He just wished it didn’t feel like a pit in his stomach.

“Yeah, he’s heading your way next week, if you’re still there, when are you coming back?”

“Not sure yet I mean, we’ll jump on this and see where it goes, if it goes tits up … I could circle back around I guess, give you a break.”

“Bucky that’s not what I meant.”

“She’s a great kid, but she’s a lot of work…”

“I know that,” he answered defensively, “but I knew what I was signing up for –“

“None of us knew this was what we were signing up for, Steve. I just … “

“Because she’s not really mine you think I look at her as some kind of burden?” That pissed him off instantly, even the insinuation.

“No, of course not, fuck Steve, I’m just dead on my feet okay, I’m sorry. I’m bein’ a jerk.”

“Yeah, you really are. She had a great birthday by the way, even if you missed it.” He bit back and it made Bucky sigh, which he knew was a low blow but he was pissed.

“I’m sorry, I am. I love you Steve, and I’m sorry.”

That made Steve stand up straighter, they hadn’t said that to each other in person since Peggy left. Not that he could recall anyway.

“I … I love you too, you know that right?”

“I do. I’m … sorry, it’s just … I’ve been awake for … Jesus … four, five days, my team all but locked me in this bedroom,” he chuckled. “I should get some sleep or something, or they might not let me out.”

Steve agreed with that and promised to call back that night their time to talk to the kid. Things were still awful, Steve still felt that dreaded sense of discombobulation, but, at least, he held on to those words.

Because he did love him back, no matter how fucking gut wrenching it was to do so.

                                 ****************

Her first task under their new deal was to put a bullet in the head of a stranger. She knew it was a man from his build, but not his crime – if there was one at all – nor his name. Not even his face. They tied him to a chair, with a bag over his head and she was to end his life, no questions asked.

It took her six seconds to decide, his fate – or her daughter’s.

Her daughter won. As Peggy had a suspicion, she always would.

He died in an instant, like squashing a bug, just a crunch, and then silence.

She was rewarded with extra yard time, and a blanket.  Her adventures outdoors consisted of being chained to her guards, as they worked her out, two men and a woman, she never knew their names. Jogging, squats and boxing took up most of her mornings now, either inside in a large mostly empty space, fully secure, or if they were feeling generous, outside. She still had no idea where she was, beyond it being snow covered year around, and freezing. She knew from the altitude they were high enough up that it bothered Dumpty, the second of the male guards that accompanied her, Humpty breathed just fine, but Dumpty had a touch of asthma. She’d keep that in mind for later. She kept a lot things in mind for later, like Humpty had weak ankles when they ran together, or the woman – whom in her head she called Evanora because she reminded her of the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. Wart and all. Evanora had a weak right wrist, probably from a prior break, and she needed glasses to read.

Peggy wasn’t sure why she kept these things mind, but it gave her something to focus on.

That was until one day after training they took her another direction, apparently their usual route was flooded due to a burst pipe, and was impassable. That’s when they passed a place she had never seen before. It was an office, with windows that looked out onto the mountains. There was nothing of interest in passing, of course, just a little office with a desk and an open door. But it had a calendar hanging on the wall, and that’s what caught her eye. She held back the tears, though, as she read the date circled, and the month. She had been there, wherever the hell she was for closing in on nine months.

Almost a year and no one had come for her. It had in its own way, eaten away at whatever hope she had held on to because it had been so long. It had been too long. She knew the US government wouldn’t sanction a search after such a long time, she knew that SHIELD wouldn’t have the resources to keep up such a long-term search either.

But her guys?

She had hoped her guys had held on, had been the stubborn, amazing men she knew them to be.

But with Howard Stark in the mix, on the side of the men that held her against her will, she wondered if they had hope at all in the first place, or had he killed it as easily as he had his loyalty to her.

She threw herself into their training, much to the confusion of the Good Doctor of course, but he didn’t deserve to see more tears, to see her any more broken than he had when she couldn’t help it, no. She composed herself when necessary, and pretended, she pretended so well that she assumed even Angie would give her a standing ovation.

She killed who they asked her to kill, and she was rewarded.

That man, another, then another. Then nothing for a while, only training, only discipline.

So, she was compliant, even if in her heart she planned her escape in her dreams every night.

****************

Some two weeks later, she had her next kill. This time it was a woman, and this time, she saw her face. She was tall, well dressed, wore her hair in curls, her makeup flawless through her tears. Peggy could only imagine what she looked like now, and from the fear in the woman’s eyes before her, she figured it was somewhat horrific.

Though, that could just have been because she had a gun to her temple, but Peggy’s vanity got in the way.

For a split second before she put the bullet though the woman’s skull, she thought of a woman she’d met long ago, a woman she too had ended. She thought of Dottie. Dottie and her upbringing, much like the little spiders that riddled Peggy with bullets, Dottie who seemed to form an obsession with Peggy, and for the first time in all that time, Peggy felt like she understood why. If this had been her life, and all she knew, of course she’d want to be like other women, who had in her eyes at least, had it, easy. As Peggy watched the blood drip from the woman’s temple, and the life drain from her body, Peggy wondered if just for a second, what it would be like to be that woman.

To just let it drain away so elegantly.

She took the gun she held in her hands and put it to her own temple and in less than a second she pulled the trigger.

The clip was empty, the clip was empty and the voice of the doctor came over the whole room.

“I was wondering how long it would take for you to try something so stupid, do you really think we’d equip you with enough weaponry for your own demise?” she swore she heard him chuckle, she just closed her eyes.

“For that, you will be punished,” He informed her, to which she merely shrugged.

Let him do his worst, she thought.  She was more that prepared for it by now.

                                                ************************

The first excruciating Christmas without her, came and went, and Steve wasn’t home either,  so it left Bucky and Bella had to spend it with Gabe, his wife, and their kids up state.

A relief for Bucky as the kids and a crap ton of toys over-compensated and distracted his daughter from the fact that her mother still wasn’t home, her Stevie was also overseas and that her dad had his head buried in a glass more often than not.

Their lives were well and truly in a shambles, and the truth was no matter how hard they both tried neither he nor Steve knew how to fix the cracks anymore, so when Steve didn’t come home at all by New Year, Bucky took matters into his own hands, and broke their arrangement. Against his judgement but with itchy feet and that dreaded feeling of helplessness, he left their daughter with Maria and Stark and followed Steve’s lead to Sweden. He wasn’t sure what it would achieve, if anything at all, but as things stood he couldn’t sit around and do nothing, he couldn’t allow Steve to shoulder the burden alone, and he couldn’t stand the lack of communication between them.

In a safe facility outside of Stockholm, he surprised his love by just showing up with three more of Strike Delta in tow.

The reception he got was as icy as the weather.

“What about the baby huh? We agreed, Bucky, Goddamn it, we _agreed_.” Steve whispered harshly the minute they were alone. “You and I…. we agreed that she needed as much stability as we could give her –“

“Well not for nothing Stevie, but I’m not feelin’ all that stable right now, so maybe she’s better off without –“

“Don’t you dare say that shit, not to me, not, after all, this?” He was pissed, rightfully so, Bucky had gone back on their agreement, he had done a lot of things in the past nine months he never thought he’d do. But he was floundering and he didn’t know how to stop.

“I’m so –“

“Stop apologising,” he bit as he sat down at the small table by the south wall, the building was an old MI6 one no longer in operation, they knew a guy, a contact of Peg’s that let them use it for SHIELD, his name was Gordon. Good guy and about as straight as a roundabout, or so Peggy used to say. She had set him up with her friend when they were training, John and Gordon had been together ever since.

“Christ, Bucky what happened to us? I don’t know what happened.” He was up now, pacing, “I mean, fuck it, I know, I know what happened, this hell we’ve been living in happened but … I just can’t.”

At that Bucky narrowed his eyes at Steve, not entirely sure where he was going with this particular rant.

“If this is because I showed up here, look, Bella’s perfectly safe; she’s in LA with Maria and the Jarvis’ right now, she’s happy as a clam, Steve. We’ve got shit to do and I can’t just sit around –“

“I get that, okay; believe me, you know I get that. But we swore to Peggy … we swore.” When Bucky heard his voice break a light bulb went off.

When Bella turned one they all had to be out of the country and almost missed her birthday, after that they all swore that no matter what happened, at least, one of them – one of her family – would be with her at all times. Not just to keep her safe, but to keep instilled that she had a family that loved her no matter what was going on with the world because she, as Peggy said, was their world, and she was so right.

He hated that he forgot that.

Steve, though, Steve never forgot anything any more.

“If I say I’m sorry for this will you yell at me again?” Bucky asked, meekly. It got him a half a smile.

“No, no I’m sorry too I’m just …”

“You’re tired; I can see it in your face. Look,” he walked to where Steve stood then, and suddenly found himself wanting to kiss him, God, they hadn’t kissed in such a long time, what the hell was wrong with them!?   “Why don’t I just … take it from here for a bit, and you … go get some rest? Hm?”

“I need to go home if you’re here –“

“Then do that, I don’t know what else to say, Steve,” He answered, suddenly so tired too.

“We’ve found nothing Buck.”

“Don’t –“ he held a hand up before stepping back, he couldn’t hear rationalisation right then.

“Bucky how long do we do this? How long do we chase ghost stories before we –“

“You wanna give up? Is that what this is? You want to give up on her?”

“NO! I don’t, but it’s been almost a year and not so much a trace you don’t think that’s…? That someone somewhere, out of all the contacts we have, hasn’t so much as seen a glimpse of her? Hydra hasn’t made a move in months, the American government are on the Russia’s asses, and we’re chasing our tails. I love Peggy as much as you,” he looked him in the eyes then, “but at some point we have to accept reality, and the reality right now is our little girl is alone –“

“She’s not –“

“You know what I mean, for God sakes.  She’s only got us, Bucky, we’re all she’s got and I’ll be damned if we get so fucked up that we forget that. You think Gabe didn’t tell me? That you spent Christmas chasing the answers at the bottom of a bottle?”

“I wasn’t even drunk –“

“Not the damn point and you know it. You think she doesn’t feel this shit? This tension? Whatever the hell we are anymore, we are still her family.”

“What’s that meant to mean?”

Steve sighed, sitting.

“I … can’t keep arguing with you Buck, I don’t have the energy to do it any more,” He confessed, before putting his hands over his face and dragging them downwards as he inhaled. “I love you, so fucking much I love you, but this isn’t … okay. Not any more.”

With narrowed brows Bucky looked at him, confused and helpless in the moments that followed.

“You want out.” Bucky answer for him when he stayed silent.

“No. I want us to be an ‘us’ again, it was always you and me against the world – against the odds but now… when it seems we need to be literally that, we can’t find our feet and it terrifies me, Buck. I’m just so, so tired of feeling like I haven’t just lost Peggy, I’ve lost you too, even though you’re right here.”

That broke his heart, Bucky knew this was true he had felt it for months, but the fact that it wasn’t just in his head any more hurt more than he could ever admit.

“Steve please, I can’t keep having this same argument, it’s not … it’s not just me here, you know?”

Steve looked perplexed.

“Agent Barnes are you taking point, we’re heading out in five?” Came the muffled voice beyond the door. It was Halston.

“Yeah. I’ll… I’ll be right out.” Bucky answered back, loud enough for the other man to hear.

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Steve, can we talk about this when I get back.”

“Back from where?” He hadn’t authorised anything so far as he knew, Bucky had just shown up.

“A contact of Zola’s, an ex-Russian scientist, he’s in a prison outside of Warsaw, we’re heading there tonight, see if we can get a sit down with this guy, see what he knows.”

“What are the chances he knows anything?”

“Slim, but it’s an opening we want to explore.”

“We?”

“We… Steve. We as in all of us. You included. Don’t be this way.” He answered, aggravated.

“We were in the middle of an important discussion, Bucky.”

Bucky felt so torn, so literally torn that he felt like his limbs were about to pop off. His head was pounding. “Can we table it until we come back? Stark is flying us out of here, you and your Strike are invited, if you have nothing here …”

“No … I mean… Yes take them if necessary, we’ve got nothing but cold leads here, I’m… I’m going back to the States, gonna be with the kid.”

Bucky nodded, before moving in to hug Steve quickly. And just as quickly he moved back.

“Okay, safe flight back, give her a cuddle for me okay?”

Steve nodded, willing himself not to cry as Bucky left the room, and he was still no farther for where they stood personally, he had a feeling he’d never know.

He left, resigned as he felt, but eager to see the kid again, it had been a few weeks, and their phone calls were great when he could get a secure line, but he missed her little face.  She was the only real light in their lives at that point, which probably was unfair to her too.

                                                           ***********

In a fit of sheer desperation, Bucky had taken the Intel, as weak as it was and ran with it. They got boots on the ground, himself and six of Strike Team One, and they’d been four hours into the trek when they’d come across it.

A massive building shaped like a convent Bucky remembered seeing during the war, this one was bigger, though, and more bleak looking, if that were possible. They split into groups and took it in, top to bottom.

What they found out rather rapidly that it wasn’t a convent, but a school of some kind. There were desks, and chairs all child size, there were dorms, with tiny iron beds, Spartan in decoration, and with an air of dread swirling through its halls, Bucky’s spine was creeping the entire time, and he wanted nothing more than to leave.

That’s when they found her.

A girl, skinny as you’d like, and the reddest hair he’d seen outside of his Irish great-grandmother’s do at his Aunt’s wedding when he was a child.

“Hey you … kid… Hey…” she took in the scene before her and booked it, under a bed out the other side, and through a hole in the damn wall.

Bucky tasked the other guy to follow him, but Bucky soon out-ran him in pursuit of the girl.

She, on the other hand, was clearly not expecting him to be so fast, or to catch up with her at all. But he did, and when he had her cornered, he took the opportunity catching her off guard, to ask her some questions.

“Look, kid, do you speak English?” He asked in Russian, the girl merely glared.

“I’m going to be punished for this,” she muttered, and his heart broke.

“English?”

“Yes, English,” She admitted with a sigh though she was heavily accented her pronunciation was perfect.

“Okay, well, hi.”

She glared again, this time folding her arms, as he had her backed into a tiny broom closet, but otherwise meant her no harm. He holstered his gun and had his hands up in a defence pose so she’d stop.

“Look, I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I’m looking for someone. Okay? Can you … look at this?” he slowly moved his hands to his jacket breast pocket where he took out Peggy’s photo. It was a personal one, she was laughing at something Steve had said at his birthday party the year before. Bucky had snapped it and was proud of how pretty it had turned out.

The girl took the photo, and for a split second, recognition flashed across her face. He wasn’t sure how he caught it because it was there and gone in a millisecond.

“You know her don’t you.”

The girl petted the photo, strangely.

“I do not.”

“You’ve seen her before then?”

She looked at him then, still not giving back the photo.

“I … have.”

His heart jumped.

“Where? Where is she? When did you see her, is she okay?”

The girl’s eyes went wide.

“You are … her _husband_.” She nodded to his ring. “You care for her.”

“Yes. I do. Now tell me. Where is she?” He moved closer and that set her off, she stiffened, this time producing a small blade from her sleeve.

“Hey no look, I’m not… going to hurt you.” He attempted to slowly reassure her. She just smirked. This child was dangerous, he knew that, and he also knew she was very likely playing with him. But he had to know.

“Where … when did you last see her? Please. She … has a daughter, she’s only little and she misses her mother, I miss her mother. Can you please -“

“Months ago, I do not know where they do not tell us… but she was kind. Stupidly so.” The girl sighed.

“What does that mean?”

“It means she defied her orders, stupid woman, English woman, your woman.”

Bucky was pretty sure his heart was beating out of his chest, he was losing his mind. She was alive.

Maybe.

Or maybe this kid was playing him like a damn fiddle.

“Any clue as to where? Not here?”

“Not here. Miles away. Bumpy road. We were in the truck for hours. It was … not here. Away.” Her English broke into rapid Russian then; she was going to be punished. “We …” she began and stopped. Bucky was losing his patience.

“Look, I can help you. I can get you away from here… is that what you want?” he offered, this place was hell, and she was much too young to be trapped in a place like this.

“Please. Anything you can remember… what did the place look like? Big? Small?”

“It doesn’t matter anyway, she disobeyed orders.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means she didn’t do as she was told.” The girl dead-panned, looking so completely over this conversation. Bucky sighed.

“You’re a smart ass kid.”

She merely cocked a brow.

“Her name is Peggy. Peggy Carter. She’s –“

“I shot her.” The girl admitted and his heart stopped again. “Your wife should be dead. If she knows what’s good for her, she _is_ dead.” He moved to grab her, to bring her in, to get her out of there, but she was fast – and he was off guard, stupidly. And he paid the price for it when she ran and stabbed him in the fucking gut ruining his fucking jacket might he add.

“Soft like her,” he heard as she checked as he fell, to make sure he fell before she ran.

As he struggled to keep his hand on his wound, he realised she ran off with Peggy’s photo.

                                                                        **************

Her days now were spent training more and more. More weapons, more outside – hurdles, physical tests, endurance being constantly tested.  She found that she picked up languages in days now, they give her a book and she could almost memorise it word for word – in different languages too. She wasn’t sure how that had happened, but she figured whatever they had juiced her with, it had multiple effects. With her co-operation she earned things, small things at first, like her blanket, and then a pillow, the day she got her mattress had come when she had killed for them again. And despite the feeling of dread in her soul, Peggy was proud to have earned a reward.

This was what they wanted, she knew that too. They wanted her so broken that the least showing of humanity had her on her knees.

She hated herself more with each passing day. Each day that she gave in and allowed this to continue. How could she fight now, how could she rage? She was one of them now.

She’d come back with the woman guard from boxing one rainy afternoon when she saw it, a large machine she hadn’t seen before,  being wheeled into Zola’s lab.

“What’s that for?” she asked, though why she had no idea, she knew she never talked.  It scared her because whatever it was, because deep in her gut, she knew it was for her.

Peggy used to love being right, it gave her a sick thrill of sorts, particularly if it was over the pompous annoying men in her office, then it really got her going. She practically glowed from it.

Now, though, she really hated being right.

The machine was for her. And they strapped her down and pushed her back into a chair, not unlike one used in a dentist's, they stuffed her mouth with plastic to stop her from swallowing her tongue, and then they went about their business.  She wasn’t sure what it was meant to achieve, except the colossal headaches, both during and after. She wasn’t sure, until the third time they used it on her, and then when she finally did realise. That is when she decided, enough was enough.

They were stealing her memories, little by little.

For instance, she knew she had a mother, a father, she knew in that vague sense of knowing – like wearing a ring for a long time and then taking it off, you knew something was there, in that place, even if it was there no longer.

She knew she was a child at some point in her life, and yet she could no longer recall what she looked like, where she grew up, what her parents were named, nothing.  So she realised then, slowly but surely they were stealing her earliest memories, and it went on to figure in this equation that only more would follow.

Peggy had to get out of there, that she knew, but now she had a clock. She had to get out before she forgot why!

                                               *************

“Don’t look at me like that, please.” He asked as he felt her looking at him from the bedroom door. He was sitting there drinking, alone, had been most of the afternoon and it was well after nine now. Angie merely clicked her tongue in judgement.

“Steve come on, no one’s ever found an answer at the bottom of a bottle. Just ask my uncle Frank.”

“How about ten bottles? So far … not so good.” He just felt kind of sick, and a little like he was on a boat, but nothing else. She joined him at the table, pouring herself a glass of whiskey.

“Is it helping?” she asked taking a slug.

“No…”

“Did he call?”

“Also no. I mean I thought he would for Bella, but maybe something got in the way, I know how it is out in the field it’s difficult.”

“But even when he did call …”

“It was horrifically awkward and yes. Don’t look at me like that.”

“Sorry,” she held her hands up before reaching for her glass again. “Where is Isabella?”

Steve shrugged.

“She’s with Ana, they went into the city to see a movie, and then Mr Jarvis saw me and decided she’d stay in their place tonight.” He sighed. “I messed up, she should be here… she should be home not here, we should go home. I need to go home.”  He moved to stand up but sat directly back down. He wasn’t drunk, but he was tired, bone tired and overly emotional.  “Shit.”

She giggled but then put her hand over her mouth to stop herself.

“I’ve never seen you this uncoordinated before, Steve.” She patted his arm, before finishing off her own drink.

“I’m … yeah. We had this strange argument before I left and I think we might have broken up, or, at least, started to break up but got interrupted.”

Her eyes widened.

“Are you sure?”

He shrugged again, pouring himself another drink.

“I don’t know, I mean, it felt final, it felt like … we were done. As if we were so tired of each other that it just ends, is that how it happens? People who love each other so much just become so unrecognisable to each other than they just drift apart, fuck I hate that term, drift apart. Except right now, that’s exactly what it feels like.”

“It’s a complicated affair all around with you two, it always has been. I mean just the two of you alone there’s enough history there to teach a class, adding in Peggy and your history and then her history with him – then both of you,” she blew air from her lips, “It’s just delicate.”

Steve scoffed.

“We ain’t never been delicate with each other in our lives, even when I was deaf and he could a snapped me like a branch, we just don’t know how.”

“Well, maybe it’s time you started hm?”

Steve shook his head.

“I don’t think … I don’t think I’m enough for him, any more.”

He couldn’t look at her, not with tears in his eyes like a moron. But he didn’t have to, she moved to hug him, burying his head in her shoulder as she moved.

“Oh, darling I am so sorry for you right now. You don’t deserve to feel like this, Steve.”

“It’s okay.”

“No – No it’s fuckin’ not, Steve.” She added, still hugging him, and he was really very okay with that, he just kept hugging her back, “looking at you, listening to you this past while, your heart is breaking as much as his and he can’t see it for his own rage and grief, and it’s messy but my God you don’t deserve this.” She hugged tighter and he may have let a little sob escaped him, he’d never admit, it though. He never cried, not even as a kid, least he tried to hide it when he did, wait until no one was around, he had enough stigma attached to how he looked without acting like a ‘sissy’ too.

“I just wish I was able to do what I’m supposed to, what they made me do… to save –“

“You already did your job, you don’t owe anyone –“

“Bucky said the same thing, but I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t. I wasn’t smart enough to see what was in front of our faces, too distracted with the team, thinking everything would be okay.”

“It’s human, Steve, you’re human. You’re allowed to mess up-“

“Not when it costs Peggy her life.” He admitted sniffling now, as she pulled back, she was still on her knees, still in a half hug, both of them holding each other. “What’s the point in being what I am if I can’t even save her.” She hugged him again as if it would somehow transfer his sadness to her, before petting his hair softly, and kissing his cheek.

“I am so, so, sorry Steve. But Peggy knows the job, better than anyone she knows the choice, hell, she gave the order.”

He nodded.

“I know…” he exhaled moving back. “Shit, I’m sorry Angie, I’m … sorry –“

“Nonsense,” she smiled. And he’s not sure when he stops thinking rationally, or if he even was thinking at all. But one minute they’re looking at each other, the next they’re kissing.

He’s not even entirely sure who made the first move, may be they moved together? Either way, he had her in his arms, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened their kiss. One kiss led to another, and at some point, they moved to his bed. His mind was racing, his heart was too, he knew somewhere in his head that this wasn’t how it was meant to go, that he was meant to bid her goodnight and leave it at that.

But it seems neither of them was up for following the usual rules that night. She just felt so good in his arms, so warm and present, she smelled amazing as always, and was just everything he needed in that moment, and the moments that followed. He knew he should stop, they both should but there was no hesitation in their movements, she was tipsy sure, he was in the deep end of heartbreak, it was probably the worst idea either of them had had in a long time… and yet. It was what it was, and what it was, was comfort. He needed her then, whether it was right, or pure or just, or any of those things – the people he loved were gone, either physically or emotionally, Bucky had all but checked out of their relationship – if they even had one anymore, and his failure to keep Peggy safe gnawed at his heart every single day. So he took her soft touches, and warm kisses, he let himself drown in her because it had been so long since he’d felt such pleasure and kindness, he had been alone and lonely, clichéd as it may have been, she was a sweet hearted distraction while it lasted. It had been strange, the only woman he’d ever been with was Peggy, and Angie wasn’t built like Peggy in anyway, she was, of course, a beautiful woman, but she wasn’t nor could she ever be, Peggy in neither body nor spirit.

She gently dragged her fingers through his hair, flattening it down as it was no doubt comically askew, after all, they had done together, and he returned the favour and tucked hers behind her ear.

“I came here tonight to break up with you,” She stated, still looking at him fondly, moving her hand to his cheek, petting his week old beard.  “Our fake relationship needs a real ending,” she went on to explain, and he guessed why.

“That actor guy?”

She smiled. “He’s sweet, he wants to court me but won’t make a move because I’m Cap’s gal,” she smirked. “It’s been a long while, Steve.”

He nodded, touching her bare arm,   “I know, and thank you for everything, Angie.”

She grinned, “Please, it was a mutually beneficial relationship, you know this.” But she blushed, and he   had a crazy thought that in another life at another time maybe he could love her too. But he didn’t in this one and that was the reality. “Besides, we broke the rules tonight, and we probably … definitely, shouldn’t have.”

He agreed, as soon as his head cleared the guilt set in. He had a feeling he would always feel this way about what they did, but what would it really matter if Bucky was truly done with him like it felt he was, and Peggy never came home? It wouldn’t matter, because he would be alone, as it should be, really.

“No it was me –“

“I could have said no, Steve.” She reminded him carefully; as she got up and retrieved her bra from the bottom of the bed, sliding it over her breasts she found the rest of her underwear with it. “But in a way, I mean… at least we go out with a bang, right?” she quipped, obviously trying to lighten the mood. Steve knew how much Peggy meant to her too, how rare she had found it in Hollywood that women where who they said they were not in occupation, but in agenda and in soul. She missed her friend as much as Steve missed his girl. They were all in a messed up cycle of grief, and it fucking sucked.

“Steve, I want you to be happy you know that don’t you?”

“Back at you,” he smiled, and he really did mean it too. “This actor guy good to you, or I’ll come kick his ass.”

At that, she giggled, “No you won’t.”

“No … I won’t. But I can threaten to if he steps outta line! Peggy …” he started to speak, then stopped. “Peggy probably would have kicked his ass regardless, just as a warning.” He forced a smile and she noticed.  She was fully dressed now, just shoeless as she leaned over and kissed his cheek.

“Go home, Steve. Go home and try and fix things with Bucky. Try and if you’re still unhappy, then … I think you have your answer?”

She was right, he knew she was. He merely nodded as he watched her slip on her shoes, wave a sad little wave and walk out the door.

He could give it one more shot; he just had to be honest with Bucky about everything. About how he felt and about what happened with Angie. For the first time in forever, Steve was truly unsure of his guy’s response. They had once known each other so well they finished each other’s sentences, now it was like he was a stranger. The thought of losing him too made his heart ache, but regardless of how it was before, when Steve told him the truth, maybe Bucky would decide his betrayal was the final straw.

Steve’s sanity was hanging by a very thin thread.

                                       *************

On returning to New York and letting the Agents watching over both houses go, Steve took to an early spring clean, attempting, at least, to freshen up their environment. He made it a game, one Bella was far too good at once she got started.

That kid wasn’t going to be a pack rat, that’s for sure.

With Bucky not due back for a couple of days, it gave him time to work up the courage to have The Conversation. He had a pit in his stomach at the thought of it, but knew that more than anything he had to be honest – and not just because he was a horrific liar and Bucky would probably be able to tell just by looking at him that he was hiding something. Like that one time when they were seventeen, Steve’s mom was working triples, and he had what he knew was pneumonia, he attempted to keep it a secret, feigning the flu. But Bucky knew better and quite literally dragged his ass to the hospital.

It was hard to believe that once Bucky got home they might not be a them anymore, and not just because of how distant they were as a couple, but because of Steve’s rather stupid, impulsive actions.

By the third day at home the kid was feeling the boredom, and in truth, he was too. So, he accepted Philips invite to go for dinner to their place, and once they got there saw how well Bella was getting along with their grandkids, they asked if she could stay the night, a thing she was far too excited to do. So of course he agreed, she was young, but they had a granddaughter who had just turned three, and she was ‘such a big girl’ according to Bella, and it was adorable to watch. Their grandson, on the other hand, he was six and much cooler, though he didn’t seem to mind the little girls.

Steve was apprehensive of course, but she was in a safe, happy, relaxed home environment. Something he couldn’t really say for their home anymore. Any exposure to that kind of life had to only be a good thing. So, he agreed. He also agreed to pick them up in the morning and take them all out for brunch, as a thank you.

Col. Philips begrudgingly agreed – heavens forbid  give that man a free meal!

                                               **************************

“The Los Angeles wanderer returns.” He heard from the living room as he shut the door.

The house was dark, and the living room smells like the bar on the corner, and when he switches on the lamp by the door he sees why. Bucky is sitting in the dark, with a bottle of vodka, several more scattered around the chair, there’s a glass long forgotten, he’s a mess, a complete and utter mess.

“Jesus Christ, Buck what the hell?”

“Sorry. ‘M sorry Steve. You’re back real soon,” he waved his glass at him.

“We’ve been back, Buck.” He looked around. “You’re drunk?”

“Fuckin’ finally. Only took like nine bottles, ain’t that a kick huh? But it happened and I felt good for like a minute and then hadda keep on chasin’ it. So… kept on drinkin’.”

Steve looked around, the house was a mess again, and the curtains were closed, seemed like they had been for a while.

“You see the fuckin’ papers?” Bucky asked snarling at the discarded newspaper on the floor. Steve hadn’t and when he looked down, he wished he hadn’t.

S.H.I.E.L.D DIRECTOR MIA – What are they hiding?

So they had a leak. Great. One more thing to deal with.

“Where’s Bella?” Bucky asked.

Steve just shook his head, opening the curtains, much to Bucky’s chagrin, then popping open the window.

“She’s with Philips and his wife, their kids and grandkids are visiting so they’re gone to do kid things with his family. It’ll be good for her. Get away from us for a while. Poor kid… should probably stay there.” Steve spoke more passive aggressive than he had intended. “We’re not doing this today, Bucky, come on.”  He added moving from bottle to bottle picking them up, before moving to throw them in the kitchen trash.

“Why not huh? Good a day as any I think. Why the hell not just get pissed drunk and stay that way. The world feels fuzzy like this all the time, least now I know it’s natural.”

Steve came back into his peripheral vision, and handed him a pint glass full of water.

“If that’s not vodka I don’t want it.”

“You’re being childish, drink the fuckin’ water, Buck.”

Bucky merely sat up, and stared him out for it for a hot minute, before he took the glass and all but downed the water.

“Good. Now, when was the last time you slept?”

At that his guy chuckled, his sad pout never leaving his face.

“Never really sleep no more, Steve. Can’t. Not here. Not there.”

“Yeah. Me either.” He admitted hunching down beside him where he sat. “Buck, you wanna take a nap?” he asked, gently as if he was talking to Bella. And Bucky just nodded, sadly.

“Yeah… I think I do. I think I do.” He added, slowly, lowly, before Steve held out his hand and pulled him out of the chair, standing up straight as he went. Both men stood before each other and Bucky all but fell into Steve’s arms, hugging him tightly, burying his face in his neck. His eyes were wet, he was crying, Steve realised.

“’M sorry.”

“Ain’t like I never saw you drunk before, Buck.” Steve added, rubbing his back as they kept on hugging it out. He felt relief in that hug, and not just for Bucky.

“Not just for that, for everything for bein’ me and doin’ what I do.”

“And what do you do?”

“I shut people away from me, when you … when it _happened_ to you I was a wreck for a long time, probably would have been longer if she hadn’t been there. Even when she was, I pushed at her too… I’m an asshole, Steve.”

He hugged Steve tighter, and the guilt felt all consuming for Steve now.

“Come on, let’s go to sleep huh? That sound good?”

He felt Bucky nod rather than saw it, before Bucky took his hand so sweetly and led him up to their old room. It still felt foreign without Peggy there, without her smell, her perfume, her being. But they kicked off their boots, shrugged off their sweaters, and pants, and got under the covers. Steve made sure he had the glass of water in his hand for beside the bed, and they snuggled in together.

“I failed you didn’t I?” Bucky asked, in the dark.

“No, you never –“

“I did. See… I gave up on you Steve, then and … and I never forgave myself for it. She never did. She had this way of having this amazing faith in us Steve, in both of us. She loved us both for who we were and how could she? We never deserved someone like that.”

Steve agreed there. They never thought they’d have it, and yet somehow there she was. Everything either of them never knew they needed.

“But …” he sighed. “I failed you, and I never got over that, how I could do that. So … it’s why I’ve been holdin’ on so hard, Steve. You know that right?”

“Well, I do now.”

“I shut down, I do that, I don’t know why. I shut you out because I was scared, so fucking terrified.”

Steve moved then, finding Bucky’s hand and lacing his own together.

“Of what exactly?”

“Of …” Bucky sniffled, moved to wipe his hand over his eyes. “Of losing you too.”

“That’s why you pushed me away?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose, least … least not at first. But I could see it in your face Steve. I could see the blame.”

“I never –“

“You did, and it took me a while to realise that it was okay, that it was okay to blame me because it was the truth, I deserved the blame and this isn’t just … some stupid pity shit. I put her there, I put her … you… in danger because I just couldn’t let it fucking GO.”

“Bucky he tortured you, he … you weren’t wrong to want vengeance. I would have too … I still do for what he did… Peggy too. She'd tell me that she wanted to do unspeakable things with her knife to that man.”

Bucky chuckled then.

“I fucked it all up.”

What little light bled through from the streetlamps outside illuminated the room in soft orange. Steve could make out Bucky’s face anyway, but that helped.

“You didn’t though, you’ve been working so hard to … convince me and to keep yourself afloat.”

“Team are still searching, Russia is so fucking big.” He sniffled again, “Little girl stabbed the shit out of me.”

Steve’s heart stopped.

“What?”

“‘S okay, I’m okay, but … she might know things, so the team ordered me home, can you believe that? I’m their damn superior and they be ordering me home,” he scoffed again. “Idiots.”

“Smart idiots.” Steve countered.

“That … doesn’t even make sense, Steve and I’m shit faced.” He laughed then.

“Bucky I …” he moved then to switch on the lamp, Peggy at bought it in Washington two summers before, perfect for reading she said. Bucky squinted.

“Give a guy some warning, Jesus.”

“I’ve made mistakes, even ones I knew I was making when I was making them.”

“Like pickin’ that fight with the Brown brothers when you were twelve,” Bucky asked softly, putting the silk cushion that adored the bed when made, over his eyes.

Yeah okay, so that was dumb. First time he ever got his nose broke though.

“No … I mean … yeah, I mean kind of it ... it… I’ve been stupid –“

“Steve.” Bucky took the cushion away then and looked at him, eyes red, lips redder still. “I love you, and I … we have to find another way of saying sorry at this point, but I am. I don’t want you to leave.”

Steve’s mouth opened then but he closed it right up, unsure of how to respond.

“I know I’ve been hell to deal with since … everything. And I pushed everyone away, and I was so focused on … everything else that I ignored your pain, and that makes me a jackass.” He swallowed. “And I know you’ve been feeling … neglected.”

Steve shook his head, ready to argue, even if it was the truth it sounded so selfish.

“You have and it’s … fair. We’ve been distracted and maybe you’re right maybe we can’t argue anymore, and maybe we need to step away from each other to see that, but God it’s the last thing  I want Steve.” His face so open and honest, he was still feeling the effects of the alcohol, Steve could tell, but it was the most chatty he’d been in months.  “But if it’s what you need to do… I won’t force you to stay, but I’d ask you not to go because I want to … at least try and fix what’s broken between us, if we can.”

“I still love you, Buck. I just think we don’t know how to be  us without her.”

Bucky felt almost relief; it was almost exactly how he felt. Well, with a unhealthy dose of guilt to boot.

“I … you know I love you, Stevie,” he confessed moving to grip his face in his hands, and yeah, they didn’t touch sexually anymore, they didn’t even really touch casually either. It was a massive loss, on top of the other losses they were coping with. In short they were a mess.  Bucky leaned up, and kissed his guy, and his guy kissed him back, grabbing his face with the same hunger that he did that very first time when they were barely teens. God, he missed feeling like this was something he could have.

They kissed, hungry and desperate for it, for what felt like ages, before pulling apart for breath.

Steve’s heart was hammering in his chest as they pulled apart. Just say it; just tell him you slept with Angie. But looking at Bucky’s face then, just so exposed in his emotions, he knew how hard it had been for him to say those things, and he just couldn’t shit on that with the truth. Not when things were so delicate.

“I’ve made my share of big mistakes too, Bucky, I… did blame you in the beginning when I was just so wrecked with guilt myself,  and I’m sorry for that too.” Bucky took his hand then; his hand was cold in Steve’s warm one.

“I still believe she’s out there, Steve. I do, truly.”

The truth was Steve did too. He was just so utterly terrified of being wrong – again of not being able to save her that he set himself up, mentally to be wrong so much that it had blocked out any hope he might have had. Bucky still had hope, and faith, not just in Peggy, but in him too.  Steve leaned over and kissed his guy for the first time in months, and my God, what a kiss. Sloppy and tasting of tears and it was still the best kiss ever in that moment because of who it was with.

“After this, we get Bella settled, we work something out, because we’re hitting the search with everything we’ve got. We’ll task the entirety of Shield if needs be.” Steve announced. “Stark can spare them, Washington can kiss my ass if they want anything from Captain America from here on out they’ll give us the funding we need, we tap all of Paper Clip again, and we … do this how we should have done it from the start.”

Bucky smiled big and wide, beaming, the happiest he’d seen him.

“What good am I as a Goddamn symbol if I can’t find our girl? What good am I if –“

“You’re good enough without the shield, Steve.”

“I know, but it stands for something more… and that something is Peggy Carter. She believed in me when none of those assholes did, so if they want me to do their bidding, they’ll goddamn well do mine.”

Bucky moved over and hugged him again, this time with less intensity of pain and more of joy. They both fell back onto the pillows, still holding onto each other, and if they fell asleep like that, well it was the best sleep either of them had had, in months.

               *******************

It took thought, it took patience and serious precision but somehow she managed to do it. With the stolen chemicals from the labs to the makeshift bomb she was able to put in place  when they weren’t watching her. They didn’t watch her now when she ran her course – like an animal in a pen they knew she couldn’t or wouldn’t escape – the electrical fencing saw to that physically – but they assumed her Stockholm syndrome had kicked in completely at this point and she was allowed free rein of sorts during her works outs. She was timed of course, but a few weeks of running it slower than she really could buy her five minute intervals in which to put things in place that would, she hoped, allow her to make an escape attempt.

She’d either get killed doing it or she’d be free, both were now her only options as they continued to train her, and continued weekly half hour appointments with ‘the machine’.  Her first memory was one she was sure shouldn’t have been her first, the day they got word that her brother had been taken by the war. She was sure, in the back of her mind that shouldn’t have been the first thing that came to mind when she reached far into her memories.

So she worked, quietly, efficiently, against them in the hopes that if she bided her time, it would pay off.

                                               *************

A few mornings after their recondition, Bucky woke up to the warm feeling of Steve’s lips on his neck. It felt nice, real nice. But things between were a little awkward now, a different kind of awkward when they first started going together, this was something else. As if they were still too careful of each other and very busy checking in with the SHIELD agents, old and new that they had tasked on Peggy’s trail, finally. At least with the little girl’s information before she stabbed him they had somewhere to focus on, finally. After so long just failing and the leads going cold, it finally felt like they had a real shot. And that cheered both men up considerably. They had hope again, they had each other again. But things were still … delicate. Bucky almost scoffed at his brain for using such a word, he and Steve were never any such thing, even when Steve was fragile as glass, Bucky’d never treat him that way. However, something was off – he was acting guilty for something and while Bucky’s brain had its own suspicions, he’d never voice them for fear of being right. So, waking up to this… was unexpected.

“ G’Morning to you too,” he spoke, his voice groggy from sleep. Steve just smiled and kissed his way down his chest, oh so this was happening.

“Steve, come on you don’t have to –“

“When have I ever done this because I have to,” he smirked and for a minute Bucky just let him go to town, until he got to the waistband on his underwear and tugged. Oh … okay.

“Steve, seriously, I didn’t lock the door –“

“She’s asleep, trust me…”

“She’s sneaky.”

“Mmm…” but he didn’t listen, and Goddamn it neither did Bucky’s cock.  Traitor.

“Wait, Steve … we should … ah…” he was sure he had a point, but it had been so, so long since they’d last done anything remotely like this that his brain was having trouble keeping up with his body, or Steve’s mouth. So, momentarily he let it slide, just enjoying what was happening. Sure they’d talked a lot, Steve made it clear how he had felt, and Bucky too, and while Bucky was still convinced Steve was still hurting over something, he couldn’t tell what. He figured though whatever it was; Steve would tell him in his own time.

Steve wasn’t sure what had come over him, but since their talk he had felt lighter, he knew he had to come clean about Angie, he just had to, but when Bucky looked at him that way, so hopeful and happy for their fresh start and their plans for returning to Russia, he was invigorated and Steve – perhaps selfishly, didn’t want to take away from that.

It could keep.

He hoped.

                                               **********************

Her timing had to be impeccable and she was sure her heart was going to explode from nerves as she took her morning jog, counting down the seconds in her head,  as she dumped the chemicals next to the discarded batches, redirected the oil tanker that was connected to the inside heating system and left it to leak. Once the chemicals interacted with each other a series of flames or sparks should set off and one would, she hoped, hit the oil – working up a rather nasty explosion that would she hoped, carry inside.

And soon.

She covered herself with mud, her backup for her timing being off being that she fell down and it took her a second or so to recover. Just as she had set on her way, she looked back and sure enough, there was a sign of smoke.

She doubled her time, sprinting as hard as her tired bones could carry her. And then she picked a fight.

As she hoped she was dragged bloody to Zola’s lab, he looked up at her annoyed, like a teacher annoyed at its wayward student. She had been one of those in her time too, and she knew what was coming.

“Leave us.” He told her handlers, who dumped her on the ground like sack of potatoes.

She could smell the smoke, even if no one else could.

“You’ve been warned, time and time again, what does it take to get you to simply co-operate?”

She smiled.

Tweedle-dum wasn’t informed that regular cuffs were to issue for her anymore. She snapped them, but kept her hands behind her back, looking as contrite as she possibly could, her balaclava sat on her head like a hat, her black on black outdoor gear still covered in mud, and now blood. She merely shrugged.

“I got bored.”

He looked even more agitated then, good, she thought.

“Are we not working you hard enough then?”

“Obviously not.” She deadpanned, crossing her legs as she stood her arms still behind her back as if cuffed. He thought he was safe as he approached and backhanded her so hard she almost fell over.

_Almost_.

“Then I suppose we’ll have to just find other things for you to occupy that busy little brain of yours with, while you still can.”

She swallowed the blood that pooled in her mouth and smiled a bloody smile.

“Oh don’t worry Doctor, I’m plenty occupied.” She muttered before she made her move and got him in a headlock in under a second. He couldn’t scream – her hand over his mouth saw to that.  She swiftly kicked his leg from behind, and she heard the snap of his fibula. Moving as fast as she could, she gagged him with his own stethoscope and tied his hands with one of the restraints from the experiment table.

She knew where the drugs were kept and so she went there first, she picked out the adrenaline and shot herself full of it, she’d need any extra boost she could get for what was to come, and they didn’t feed her enough to keep up what stamina she needed. Short rounds of violence sure, that was safe, anything longer and she tired out due to exhaustion.

Now was not the time for that.

“Now doc, you’re going to lead me out of here, or I put a bullet through your skull.” She threatened as she retrieved the weapons she knew they kept hidden under the sinks. Idiots.

Out the door and down the first corridor before the alarm sounded, there was more smoke now, filling the halls, people were running down the other outer corridor, but Peggy kept the shadows of the back hall, the one only used for her. She knew it now like the back of her needle marked hand.

They both heard the second explosion, this one louder and closer, and the outer staff halls were in chaos. She heard them radio in, through his radio strapped to his belt. They were looking for him. She didn’t have enough time.

“Move it,” she shoved him on and he attempted to talk, so she ungagged him. “Shout and I shoot.”

“You need codes …”

“That’s what you’re here for fool,” she bit pushing him on and on before they reached the first door. Before they rounded the corner two agents came at her and she fired. Her heart was thundering. Jesus fuck if she could do this it might actually work. Zola snarled.

“You keep a tiger in captivity for long enough Doc, it’s sure to bite sooner or later.” She smiled. “This is my bite.” She whacked him with the barrel of the gun moving him on. Alarms went off around them again.

And then there was another explosion.

If she was going to die, he was going with her.

                                                           ************************

“And what about here?”

“There’s nothing there sir, we’ve scoped the whole area.”

They were standing in tents in Russia now, Steve taking point, Bucky his second, the SHIELD team at their side. They had combed all of the areas that the little girl had led them to believe might have been an area that Peggy might be kept.

_ So many mights and maybes but they had to try. _

“Nothing, Sir. Only sign of life in a sixty mile radius were the bears, sir.” The younger one, Banks spoke. “But …”

“But?”

“But we … I heard things, sir, and I …” he looked nervous in front of the others to speak of it, embarrassed. “They told me I was hearin’ things, that it was the altitude, and my delicate ears,” he rolled his eyes, “but I swear I heard voices.”

“Captain if I may,” the most senior of the crew Fitzgerald spoke then, “Rest of us were with him and heard nothing, so excuse us for being sceptical.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, the kid seemed certain.

Maybe he wasn’t wrong.

“The room.” Bucky spoke and everyone turned to look at him, confused. “The room where he took her, it was cloaked. Jesus Fucking Harlot Christ, Steve. We’re fucking idiots!!!” he announced before stalking from the tent out into the snow, and into Stark’s tent.

“What did we find out about the cloaking tech Zola was using?” He asked, Howard who was bent over a table full of maps, examining them, “we got anything?”

“Yeah, we know you find a force field of the stuff and hit it with a laser I had been working on that the barrier collapses. Why?”

“You have any way of detecting the stuff, say from the air?”

Stark stood then, seeing where Bucky was going, Steve was standing behind him, seeing it too.

Stark smiled a great big genuine smile.

“Barnes, radio in air support. We’re going on a trip.”

                                                *****************

Dumbfounded, would be one way of describing how they felt when they saw the figures in the snow appear as if from nowhere. There were smoke and flames, seemingly from the snow itself.

But two figures stood in the snow, and Bucky’s heart lept to his chest as Steve gripped his arm. They knew, they both knew, this was it.

As they exited the helicopter and got closer, he saw Zola’s broken and bloodied face and something in him snapped. This had to be her or he wasn’t sure he was making it home.

When she yanked back her gear and he saw her face, his legs went to jelly. Steve held his breath, he knew he felt the same, shocked and terrified all at once. It was her. Even if she was unrecognisable from the woman he once knew. Her head was shaven down, only dark fuzz covered her head now, her face gaunt, her body too, she was skinny now, but strong he could see it in the way she stood.

And then he saw Zola again. Somehow throughout all of this, still fucking breathing.

That wasn’t about to be the case for long.

He looked to Steve who seemed to read his mind, and with a nod, he looked to Peggy again. Desperately wanting to touch her face, just to reassure himself that she was real. But he figured she had enough people touching her without permission and didn’t.

Instead he put all his rage into the man at her feet and grabbed him by the collar.

“Wait please I beg you, Sergeant Barnes,” the man whimpered, but he didn’t care. Instead, he followed the trail of blood to where it stopped, turned the corner and then followed it to the room where it began. Dragging Zola behind him the entire way, before lifting him onto a chair, a little like the one the old dentist used back in the day. The place was filling with smoke, but this room had got the least of it so far. He saw files, and he pocketed as many as he could with her description on them, stuffing them in his jacket, first priority. He may never know what’s going on inside him, but that doesn’t mean Peggy got to suffer the same fate.

“I should have finished you when I had the chance, I won’t make the same mistakes twice.”

“ _PLEASE_!”

“You tortured my wife, Doctor. You get no mercy.” He answered as he had him tightly by the throat. Primitive, uncontrollable, he just wanted him dead.

One punch turned into six turned into his arm getting sore by the time he stopped. The little man was almost unconscious, but he made sure he was awake.

Bucky shot him in both legs, arms, hands, kidney, balls for good measure just in case he had any, and then finally in the head.

It didn’t feel as satisfying as it should have. He merely shrugged at the corpse before spitting on him.

He took a look around for anything else of use, as his brain took in the scene before him his stomach lurched at the thought of what they did to her in here. He remembered his time on a similar table, in a similar room, and that had been days. She had been subjected to this, for almost a year.

Whoever that woman was outside, he wondered if their Peggy was still in there at all. But she was alive, she was going home, the rest, they could deal with as it came at them. As a team.

                                                           *****************

“Peggy, thank God. _Thank God.”_ Steve exclaimed. “We… found you, we … Bucky is she okay?”

She could see the tears in Bucky’s eyes, the shock on Steve’s face as he all but gave her the once over, checking her gash on her forehead, looking for more obvious wounds.  Steve’s warm hand was in hers before she knew it, he was squeezing, trying to get her attention. She felt as if she was merely observing whatever happening from above them somewhere, she felt as though she wasn’t really there at all.

She did see Bucky move, though, his gun on his shoulder now, as he looked from Peggy to Zola and back again before moving and grabbing the man by the collar of his shirt and without so much a word, dragging him back inside the compound.

No, she thought, no, don’t go in there, if you go in there they won’t let you out.

But, it was burning and the rats were running for cover where they could.  Whatever Bucky was going to do with Zola, and she could imagine in graphic detail exactly what that was, he wanted it to be in  there, in there where they had kept her.

She was a tiny bit envious as Steve loaded her carefully as if she were glass, onto the helicopter, she was jealous that Bucky would be the one to finish him.

As poetic as it was.            

“Peggy…” Steve squeezed her hand again, and this time, she squeezed back. “It’s over, Peggy, we can go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, breathe!
> 
> SHE'S FREE!
> 
> Now, it won't be easy that's for sure, but at least she's free, right? ;) Therapy available upon request xoxo <3


	45. A Room with a View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with all the emotions, Drag Queens and a Dumpster Cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's been a month since I updated, ah, life! But thank you all so much for the love here and on Tumblr it means EVERYTHING and is as always, so encouraging you have no idea!! I hope you enjoy this one too, it's a long one, just not as long. Because, I have no self control! 
> 
> Dying to know what you think!! xo
> 
>  
> 
> Ps. Sorry for the formatting on this, it's taken me over an hour because ao3 hates me and my ruins our lives.

The wind picked up and the snow was fluttering around them all in flurries of angry white as Steve helped her onto the aircraft, up and in, and right away covered her in a big, thick, woollen blanket.

“Now, we’ll just get you warmed up, okay?” he talked softly, even over the noise around them. She felt like she was above herself watching all of this take place, and watching Bucky stalk from the mist, covered in blood only added to the otherworldly feeling of what was happening to her.

He was truly covered, head to toe in spattered blood – his own, Zola’s? She couldn’t tell. The look on his face was one she now recognised, it was feral. She knew what that felt like now, and she was still a little jealous that he got to be the one to finish the bastard. Though she figured, he started all of this with Bucky; it was only right that he be the one to do it. 

“He dead?” Steve asked. 

Bucky just nodded.

“It’s done, it’s over … we can just go home okay, is that okay?” he asked looking to Peggy and she wanted to laugh, because really, that was beyond fine with her.

She merely nodded back as he got in with them, and sat beside her, turning instantly to look her over.

“Are you hurt anywhere we need to know about, Peg?” He asked as gently as Steve had spoken which went at odds with how murderous he looked. She shook her head silently, still unable to find her voice. 

“Okay, well okay, are you warm enough let’s get another blanket okay?” he moved as they took off to fetch the other blanket.  Which he wrapped around her shoulders all without touching her. They had both been very careful about that, she was eternally grateful.

“We’re taking her to a hospital,” spoke the guy in the co-pilot seat, looking to her with a soft expression, “if that’s alright ma’am? We need to give you the once over in a proper –“

“No, we can take care –“ Bucky began but Steve cut in.

“Bucky no, she needs proper attention, we don’t know –“ 

“Steve Goddamn it just trust me on this –“

Peggy’s head was swimming and with difficulty, she reached for Steve’s hand, and then for Bucky’s giving them a firm squeeze. They instantly seemed to get it and stopped talking, before Steve asked for them to radio in transport   
home as soon as humanly possible. There was talk of border patrols and SHIELD agent clearance, there was talk of the Russian government, and that’s when she realised where she was, this whole time.

Fucking Russia. 

Upfront got told to radio in for their plane to be ready when they landed at the airport, and fifteen silent minutes later, they landed at the site of a plane fuelled and ready.

“Steve will fly us home, okay?” Bucky commented, taking her hand again, careful still whilst holding her as they exited the short flight craft. She nodded.  
“Stark would, but he got tasked with tracking us from base camp, he’ll meet us in New York, though, he’ll be so happy to see you, Darlin’.” Bucky was yammering now, he was nervous; he was still covered in blood. “Or maybe you’d

want to wait so he can –“

She shook her head no. so he kept on talking.

“Okay, sure. We’ll get you something to eat once we’re in the air, would you like that? Anything you like, well, anything that’s chicken or that weird ….deer thing. But soup maybe that might be –“

“Sir,” the man from the co-pilot seat appeared at their side as she looked up at the plane as the steps lowered.

“Food might not be the best option right now,” and Bucky sighed before Steve appeared at their side. 

“She’s bound to be starving,” Steve commented to the other man, “something light –“

The other man, who was clearly their medic grimaced before asking “Ma’am, may I ask … when was the last time you ate something solid?”  

Peggy looked to her guys, and then the new one.  
She swallowed hard then, her throat was raw.

“We… had lunch.” She whispered, attempting to recall. “We had … lunch. Steve and I before …” 

Steve blanched with wide eyes, and Bucky looked equally as ill. 

“What?” Steve asked.

“Before we left to retrieve … to go … to … we had … it was then.”

The medic closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“Okay, Peggy, is it okay if I call you Peggy?” 

Peggy nodded, knew she’d normally care, but it had been so long since she had heard her name that she relished in any use of it.

“Do you mind I accompany you all back to the states? I’d feel better …” he looked to the guys, “knowing she was hooked up to a lot of fluids and getting the proper rest. 

Bucky bristled and Peggy knew why as if they didn’t know how to take care of her. Hell, as if she didn’t know how to take care of herself. But she nodded, and so they allowed it.

“We’re wheels up in ten,” Steve blurted out before smiling at her that wonky smile she missed so fucking much and she watched him walk up the steps to the plane unsteadily. 

“Fluids then,” Bucky continued, “We’ll get you –“ 

She put her hand on his arm then and he stopped and looked at it before looking at her, unshed tears in his eyes just begging to fall. She put her hands up and touched his blood spattered cheek then, and he let his guard down.  

“I’m just … so happy to see you, Carter.” He admitted, sniffling but touching her hand and keeping it there and closing his eyes for a second. She wasn’t ready for kisses or touching much outside of what she initiated, but she allowed him to kiss her hand, it was sweet and it was him, and something she also missed so much.

 

Once they took off, Bucky moved around like the sweet mother hen she remembered him to be, setting up the bedroom for her, so many pillows and blankets it made her a little dizzy truth be told, but it was appreciated. Doc – also   
known as Owen, helped to hook her up to an IV of magic, or so he told her with a soft smile. Both men held their breath as he jabbed the needle in her arm, but she didn’t flinch, they assumed she would – that it would trigger   
something, but the truth was, that, that was her normal now. But she did appreciate none the less.

 

“God, and Bella… she’s just gonna be so damn happy, Peggy I can’t tell you how happy she’s gonna be to see you –“

“No.” She spoke up then, they’d been in flight maybe an hour and he’d been speed talking since, on and off, checking on Steve, checking on the doc, checking on her. Washing up, and finally looking more like himself. His hair was   
longer now, down the nape of his neck, a little longer at the front, his stubble was a full on beard. He looked tired. Steve too. She understood why of course, and when he tentatively brought up Bella, her heart soared, but the reality

was also present.

“No?”

“She … she can’t … She can’t see me like this.” 

His face fell. They were ignoring the elephant in the room, she was sure she didn’t look like she used to, though she had yet to see a mirror. 

“Peggy –“

“No. I … no. I won’t put her through this – seeing her mother like this… I want to …. God, you have no idea how much. But, I can’t, James.” 

At that he nodded, his lips tight and his face pained. 

“Alright, let’s just … do you want to shower?”

“No. No showers not … a shower.” Showers were too much like the hose, she wasn’t going there again. “I can … with the sink?” Why were words so hard now?

“Oh, of course, of course, I … yes. Here let me just …” he moved then quickly, even as dead on his feet as he looked. He walked to the sink in the tiny off bedroom toilet, and ran the water, dumped a ton of soap in there, and a flannel.   
When he left her alone, she finally got the courage to strip down and look at herself in the mirror behind the tiny bathroom door.

“Jesus Christ,” she squinted though there was no need. Her hair was buzzed, her collar bone so prominent, her shoulders delicate where they were a little chubby before, her stomach was no longer a little round or soft, instead it was   
flat and taunt.  She was a shell of what she was before, and she hated it. How could they stand to look at her, never mind love her like this? She closed her eyes and let the tears fall. It did, however, cement her decision; she couldn’t   
see Isabella until she looked more … like her old self. If that ever happened again. 

               ************** 

Once they were in the air and the course locked, and everything above board, Steve locked on autopilot and sobbed. She was alive, she was here and alive and everything. Bucky was right – his faith had paid off, because she was after   
all this time, alive. His heart broke over and over at the knowledge of what it must have been like for her, Bucky had files, he saw them but neither of them had been brave enough to read them as it stood. Maybe they’d never

be brave enough to read what they really did to her though Steve could only imagine. Still, his imagination was a horrible place sometimes, and her physical state was shocking enough, he could only guess at her mental and   
emotional one. His own emotional state was a wreck; the near silent sobs he attempted to keep in reminded him of how it felt when his mother had passed. He was strong and stoic, during her wake, her funeral, but it was only after   
when he was alone and had time to process, that it hit him. Hit him like right then, thousands of miles in the air, thousands of miles from home, his own guilt a parasite, his own failures haunting him.

If only he’d saved her sooner, or at all. She was as amazing as she always was. She saved herself in every way; they just … showed up at the right time.

But she was real and solid and there, and that’s what mattered. He only hoped that where he failed her – them before, he could, at least, attempt to make up for now.

He heard Bucky only when he sighed as he sat down beside him in the empty seat. 

“She’s actually here; she’s with us this time.” He commented looking out on the vast skies in front of them before reaching over and grasping Steve’s hand as it sat on the controls.  And squeezed. Steve squeezed back.

“I can’t believe it either, I mean is she… she’s okay, right?”

Bucky shrugged.

“Probably really not, but we gotta do our best by her now, that’s what matters.”

Steve nodded. They had failed her before, not now.

“You should go talk to her in a bit,” Bucky asked, but didn’t ask at the same time. “I think she realises you’re avoiding her.”

“I’m not – I’m flying a plane.” But really, he was avoiding her.

Buck just smirked. 

“In your own time then huh?” he softened, with a rub to Steve’s back as he stood up. “You need to get some sleep too so let Owen take over in a while, okay?”

“Says the guy who hasn’t slept in three days…”

“It’s been four for you.”

“Original sauce serum, remember?”

“Just like your mamma used to make?” he joked, and Steve thought it was the first attempt at a joke he’d heard from his guy in a long ass time.

“Yeah, don’t worry about me.” He added off-handed. 

“But I do, I always do,” Bucky confessed before leaning down and kissing Steve on the cheek. “Get some rest, I mean it.” 

                       **** 

“When we get back to New York,” she began as Owen refreshed her IV. “You aren’t just letting me get off this plane and go to Brooklyn, are you?”

He grimaced.

“No, for a few reasons – none of which I realise matter if you don’t want it, Peggy – I saw you walk out of a burning Hydra facility with a hostage, I’m under no illusion that we could keep you where you don’t want to be.” He smiled.

Peggy found, she liked him, he wasn’t cocky but he was straight with her. She needed that. “But, you need medical attention, you need proper care and nutrition, you’ve been starved, Peggy you’ve been … well, you know what you’ve   
gone through and the point is to work through that. To … get some help with dealing with the now.”

A shrink then, maybe many shrinks.   
She just nodded as he checked her blood pressure.

“And to find out why you look like you weigh a hundred pounds, but when I move you, you’re heavier than you should be.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say to a woman, doctor.”

He just cocked a brow. 

“I know I get it, its fine.” She shrugged.

“You consent then?”

“Doctors… haven’t been really big on getting my consent lately, thank you for asking at least. The illusion of freedom is better than none at all.” She sighed, lying back down. The bed was too damn soft she hated it but stayed put   
because she had forgotten how much Bucky’s worried face made her sad.

 

“You are free, Peg.” She looked then and Bucky was stood at the door, his arms crossed. “Free to do whatever you want, you know that right?” he added, with a glare to the doctor.

She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to that feeling again, part of her really did still think this was all an amazing dream.

 

Once Owen had exited, Bucky came to her bedside, tenderly taking her hand in his. And he smiled. And her heart beat that little bit faster because she had missed it and him so much.

 

“I can’t believe I’m here.” She added, touching his face again.

 

“Believe it, Darlin, we’re going home and we’re gonna make this right.”

 

She shook her head.

 

“I can’t just go home, Bucky.”

 

He inhaled loudly as if her using his name touched him physically.

 

“I need to … make sure I’m not crazy cakes.” She attempted a smile. “I might be, you know?”

 

“Honey we’re all crazy here, you’re you, you’re amazing. You’ve gone through –“

 

“You don’t know what I’ve gone through, though, no one does.”

 

“I will if you tell me.”

 

She shook her head.

 

“I’m not ready …”

 

“Alright, okay,” he added, softly, “Okay, we’ll do whatever you wanna do, I promise.”

 

“Okay, good. Now, do me a favour?”

 

“Anything…”

 

“Go get some sleep, yeah?”

 

He yawned as she said it, and then looked annoyed at himself.

 

“I’m fi-“

 

“Please?”

 

“Alright, but same to you okay?” 

 

She nodded back and even managed a little smile as he quietly exited the room. Surprising even herself, she did sleep and this time, it was a dreamless sleep.

 

               ************ 

 

She walked through the plane, her footsteps through practice now left no sound, and she passed a sleeping Bucky in one chair,  draping a blanket over him as she passed, and a sleeping Owen in another, there was no blanket for him   
sadly, but he looked peaceful too. She made her way to the cockpit and found Steve where she imagined he’d be. 

“Jesus!” he exclaimed, and she looked sheepish. 

“Sorry.”

“Peg I got enhanced hearing and even I didn’t …”

“You’re tired.” She noted. “When was the last time you got some sleep?”

He just smiled. “I’m okay, I promise, I’m switching with Owen in an hour, it’s good, Bucky’s already given me the speech.” 

She gingerly took the seat next to him and curled her feet up underneath her.

“The plane is different.” And it was, there were fewer chairs now, the bedroom was bigger, the cockpit too.

“Yeah after our last adventure, he – Howard – he started over you know, because of all the …blood.”  He clicked some buttons and they were on autopilot before he shifted in his seat to face her, and he smiled. Even though he was   
clearly dead on his feet, he was still smiling.

“Hi.”

“Hello,” she countered curling into herself more. “It’s so …” she began, looking out and away from his gaze, “freeing up here like I could sprout wings and fly myself.”

“Yeah, it’s nice; everything else just falls away up here, at least for a little while.”

They were silent for a time, and then he spoke again.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I … we don’t need to just so you know.” He offered and she found herself relaxing a touch. 

“That sounds lovely, thank you.” She added before reaching over to where his hand rested on the controls and put her hand in his. He squeezed her hand softly, and they both just looked ahead, quietly.

She found it more relaxing than sleep.

                        &&&

Getting to the city was a bit of a blur if she was being honest, she was dressed in a robe that had been left clean in the bedroom she occupied, she was barefoot and freezing, but a sense of relief washed over her at the same time.

The section – wing really – in the hospital in Manhattan that SHIELD had ‘acquired’ for training and emergencies, SHIELD nurses and doctors took on cases brought in under orders; is where she ended up. She was one of those orders   
now.

It’s funny how life works.

She had her own room, which was nice, which was necessary. She figured if she didn’t, her guys would have kicked up a fuss for the first time in their ‘thank you, Ma'am, that’s fine’ lives of never putting medical staff under more   
pressure than necessary – a remaining childhood quirk from growing up with a mother for a nurse, she supposed. 

But her room was nice, standard, with two windows that she imagined gave a lot of natural light in the day, and, at least, three vases full of flowers that smelled just wonderful. And there was a little view of the Brooklyn Bridge that she   
thought never looked more beautiful. Right away she was given pyjamas and slippers and offered another bath. She looked at Bucky who just shrugged, with a smile. Had he arranged that? 

“Mr Barnes, we’re going to ask you and Captain Rogers to leave now,” one of the nurses spoke, she was firm but had kind eyes, “I’m sorry but Mrs Barnes really needs her rest.”

They both looked like kicked puppies, which to be fair she had forgotten such large, strong men could look like the way they did. The nurse was having none of it though, nor was Peggy.

“Please,” she asked softly getting into the firm bed. She could deal with this bed. “Go home, see Bella, and make sure she’s okay? Give her a big kiss from me.” 

“Are you sure –“Steve began but she cut him off.

“I’m insisting on it, Steve. Go and get some rest, I’m … home. Sort of. You both did what you set out to do,” she raised her brows with a smile. “Mission accomplished and all that, so please.” They still stood on. “I’m going to sleep, so 

I’ll be awful boring company.”

“Visiting hours are from nine am, if Mrs Barnes –“

“Mrs Barnes thinks that’s a wonderful idea.” She fixed her blankets under her arms all proper. And they finally gave in. Bucky walking over to kiss her forehead – that was bold of him she thought, but she allowed it. Steve didn’t budge;   
there was still the nurse to consider. 

“Tomorrow then, I’ll bring you some of your things; make in here a little nicer, hm?” He offered and she wanted to tell him where she’d slept for a year, this place was a palace. But she didn’t she merely nodded.

Once they walked out she found herself exhaling a breath she wasn’t even aware she was holding.

“Now Mrs –“

“Peggy, please.”

The nurse nodded.

“Peggy, I’m Nell or Nurse Roberts whichever you’d like to call me.”

“Nell, nice to meet you,” she offered, remembering her manners, as her nurse fit her with a new IV. “Owen is down with reception and the on call doc right now filling them in, anything else we might need to know? Any bleeds,   
anything we should be –“

“No, I’m just … dehydrated and malnourished, he said, the rest they need tests for.”

“This is true, which brings me to –“

“You can take blood. I appreciate the kindness, believe me, but do what you must honest.”

Her nurse nodded.

“After that, we’ll turn your lights off, but there’s a lamp just here –“ in the corner of the room, far from the bed, though. “Should you need it, but we hope you get some rest and we’ll check in on you in….”

“Thank you.” She muttered softly, and she wondered if she thanked Bucky or Steve, she couldn’t remember, but she would at some point, she had to. It was only polite after all.

               *******************

 

By the time they got back to Brooklyn it was well past midnight, they had stopped at the twenty-four-hour store and picked up a few things too before reaching the house. Maria   was asleep on the sofa; book in hand, the fire slowly   
dying out, and the house quiet.

Maria woke up as soon as the front door closed, Steve shrugging his coat off in the hall before he followed Bucky, though.

“She’s been in bed since nine, oh and I fed the cat – we went to the store the other day and –“Maria had been in the middle of telling them all about their time together that week when Bucky had to stop her.

“Maria, we don’t have a cat.” 

The blonde woman looked confused.

“Yes, you do.”

“Uh, nope,” Steve agreed, moving to walk through to the kitchen coffee was needed.

“Isabella told me that the kitten was hers??” Maria exclaimed, standing then, “Oh my god who owns the cat we’ve kept for a week!?”

Bucky burst out laughing at her panic, if only because it was necessary and her face looked really funny that distraught. He could almost feel the waves of tension leaving his body as he kept on laughing, unable to stop. That kid of

theirs really had nothing to learn. She was a sneak!

“No ours,” Steve called out laughing too. Maria just sat down. Dumbfounded.

“I’ve been played by a four-year-old.”

“Maria, we’ve something to tell you,” Bucky began then as Steve came back in the room, he could hear the kettle heating up in the other room.

“Howard hasn’t called you has he?” Steve asked and she shook her head. 

“He usually calls every few days but I know where you guys were it was difficult.”

That was true, so she still didn’t know; chances were a lot of people still didn’t know.

“We found her,” Bucky stated and she shot up like lightening. Her hands to her mouth.

“Oh … my God. Is she –“

“She’s alive, she’s … not … not …” Bucky looked to Steve who took over, he suddenly found himself unable to say the words.

“She’s been through a lot, and she’s not really herself … obviously.”

Maria nodded her hands still on her mouth, shocked.

“But she’s alive; she’s going to be okay??” 

Bucky nodded and before he could speak again she pushed in and hugged him so tight. 

 

“I’m so happy for you, oh my goodness Bucky.”

Right, Maria still didn’t know about Steve.

Of course, she didn’t.  But she moved to hug him too because of course she did.

“Oh, my … I’m so happy. I mean… fucking Howard could have called me, but I understand.” She sighed and sat back down; as Steve exited with a smile, Bucky assumed, to go make their coffees. 

“It… won’t be easy but she’s a tough woman, she’ll come out the other side, I know she will.” Maria added, processing everything in her own way. She was smart, witty and beautiful – how the hell she fell in love with Howard was

Bucky’s biggest puzzle. “How?”

 

And with that Steve came back in and handed out the coffees, and the tale of how they found her began from start to finish.

               ******** 

With Maria insisting she head back to the city, to her own place – missing her own bed and ‘I love you guys but alone time is good, give Bella a kiss for me,” they packed her off in a cab after one am, even if Bucky kept insisting she   
stay until the morning, he only half-heartedly meant it. He wanted some time to process things, and he wanted to do that with Steve, alone. But both men thanked her profusely, and Bucky made a note to call for some flower delivery   
the next day, maybe a lot of wine – she liked wine.

As he checked on Isabella, sure enough, there was a small cat in bed with his daughter. Jesus Christ, he hoped they washed it at least. Annoyed as he was, he couldn’t help but smile at her, she was sound to the world, mouth open   
slightly, her hair askew, in her little pink and white striped nightgown. 

“Missed you, kid.” He said bending down to kiss her forehead.  And he ruffled the cat on the head as it curled around itself and went back to sleep.

“Your mom’s coming home, Bella.” He whispered, before we switched out her light and left her in peace. They agreed they’d tell her that Peggy was almost done working, which she was, in fact, at some point coming home now.

Because well, she was, she was alive and they could overcome anything now. He was sure of that.

As he walked into their dimly lit master bedroom, he found Steve staring into the closet, at her things. He acted on instinct and just hugged his guy from behind, making him laugh but he held on tight anyway.

“Tired.” He mumbled into Steve’s naked back.

“I know same here, bone tired. I’m not sure what I was even looking for in here.” 

“I could make a closet joke right now but… too tired.” He added, moving with Steve still attached, backwards towards their bed. Steve started to laugh as he all but rolled them onto it comically. 

“Hi,” Bucky added, gently tackling him and getting on top of him. 

“Hi yourself,” Steve added, as his laugh died but he kept on looking Bucky in the eyes. 

“You’re a beautiful man, Steve Rogers,” Bucky confessed making Steve laugh again.  
“Okay bud, you’re delirious, sleep is needed.” 

He rolled away but both of them continued to lay there, Bucky kicking off his shoes, Steve already shoeless and topless, both of them just looking at the ceiling.

“I can’t believe she’s really okay,” Steve whispered. “I mean not okay, but as okay as –“ 

“Me too,” Bucky added, grasping Steve’s hand. “I know this won’t be a walk in the park but I think we can get through this, you know? We got through this past year, basically, just by the skin of our teeth and I don’t think anything could   
have been as hard as that. Besides losing you.” 

Steve squeezed his hand then, he had forgotten sometimes, that losing Peggy wasn’t the only love of his life that he had thought lost and gone forever, that he had gone through all of this before for Steve. The guilt over what

happened with Angie came back full force then, he had been so concerned and concentrated on finding Peggy that it had seemed trivial almost. Or at least, he convinced himself it was. Knowing how Bucky felt about loyalty, and

knowing he was a goddamn fraud.

 

Just tell him, just tell him, his brain chanted at him, but he couldn’t. 

 

“I’m just so damn happy, Stevie, my bones hurt my everything is tired, but I’m just so,” he rolled over on his tummy then, and he did look happier than Steve had remembered seeing him in the longest time. “So damn happy, I feel   
like I could float away.” He grinned, and Steve saw the boy he fell in love with right then, he caught glimpses of him sometimes, but in moments like this, he saw right back in time to their old one-bedroom in Red Hook.  

For a second Bucky watched Steve’s mouth, and he wanted to make a move, but it felt awkward for some reason, and when Steve didn’t respond to the subtle come on, he decided against it, thinking maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

They’d fumbled their way to Steve giving him a blow job before they had left on mission, but beyond that, it was still strained – when he offered to reciprocate or take things further, Steve insisted he was fine. Bucky hoped against   
hope that with Peggy home safe now they could maybe  start again, fresh, lay all their issues out there and just see where it  went. 

 

But, that was for another time. Both men dozed off on top of the covers, the remains of the day – of the nine, almost ten months prior wearing on them both heavily. 

 

If he woke up to an empty bed, he tried not to take it personally.

 

“And, and we just founded her and she was so small, Stevie, and hungry she was so hungry.” He listened to his kid ramble from the doorway where she couldn’t see but he could. She was sitting up on the counter, regaling her

 

Stevie of how they had acquired the fluff ball in her arms. “And you said it was bad to be small and hungry-“

 

“I said that to get you to eat your carrots, not adopt random pets, Isabella.” Steve attempted sternly but Bucky could hear the smile in his voice. He was mixing up pancakes. It made Bucky smile. 

 

“Okay but she didn’t have ANYONE and ‘sides, Maria said it was okay.”

 

“Because you lied.”

 

Their kid looked abashed then but shrugged.

 

“I know. I feel…. bad about that.”

 

“Oh you do, do you?” Steve asked, giving her a look before she just hugged the kitten closer. 

 

“But she was hungry.” Her big eyes all soft and manipulative as hell. It made Bucky giggle giving him away.

 

“DADDY!!!” She exclaimed sliding off the counter in a way that made Steve wince, kitten let down gently before she sprinted toward Bucky who stepped out of the shadow of the door. 

 

“KID!” he exclaimed just as excitedly as she bounced into his arms and hugged him so tight. Best feeling in the world.  
   
“Hi. Stevie said not to wake you so we didn’t. I’m glad you’re both back.” She looked between Buck and Steve then and hugged Bucky again.  
 

“We had twenty minutes of hugs and pancake requests as we discussed the cat,” Steve clarified with a smile, and god, Bucky wanted to kiss him. “His name is Dumpster.”

 

“’Cause I found him in one.” She giggled Bucky squinted at Steve’s confused face.

 

“That’s … an interesting name.”

 

“He’s an interesin’ cat Daddy.” She said with an air of finality, and Bucky guessed that was that. She looked at his face, his cuts from the fire – from Zola not yet fully faded.

 

“You hurted?”

 

“Just a little,” he admitted taking them to sit down at the table, she wasn’t moving from his knee.

 

“Happened?”

 

“A big door!” he added, his eyes wide making her laugh and exclaiming that he was ‘silly daddy’. 

 

As they all sat down to breakfast, Bella picking from his plate and eating most of his bacon, as he inhaled Steve’s amazing pancakes and coffee, he couldn’t keep from smiling and it made Steve playfully roll his eyes at him.

“You’re not subtle.” 

“Nah I’m happy.” He confessed easily. “Gonna take … Dumpster cat to a vet this morning, then … get things for dinner, maybe, you feel like anything in particular?”

Steve shrugged.

“Whatever’s fine, I think I should go to the –“

“I think so too.” Bucky agreed quietly, before looking up, the happy wash off his face momentarily. 

“Bring some things from home, anything that might make her feel more … grounded.” He attempted. 

“I want to but,” he looked at

Bella. “I will, just … when … I will.” 

 

Steve tucked into his breakfast with gusto, and they moved the conversation back to Bella and what she and Dumpster cat got up to while they were gone. 

 

Maria taught Bella a lot about Manhattan restaurants, apparently. 

               *********** 

When Steve got to her room his arms were full, in one Peggy’s overnight bag that they’d dragged from her closet, inside her delicates, three pairs of pyjamas, slippers, her snuggly robe Bucky got her the Christmas she was pregnant   
with Isabella – because she was cold all the time no matter what they did. As well as books –at least six that had caught his eye in the past year, in the other hand, another large bunch of flowers, because well, they were pretty. He   
found her sitting on the windowsill, her legs curled up against her chest, just looking out at the city below. She was wearing a small silk scarf wrapped around her head; he figured without her hair she was probably cold there.

“Hey.” He said gently and she looked over, and she smiled.

“Hey, yourself.” 

He felt a surge of happiness, it was their thing, all three of them responding to each other in that way and she still did it.

“I come bearing … stuff and flowers!” he attempted cheerfully dumping the bag on her bed, making her chuckle, before going over to hand her the small bunch of pink roses. She smelled them with a sigh.

“They’re lovely, thank you.” 

“Probably annoying at this point it’s like you’re in a very sterile garden,” he commented, looking around at the other flowers adorning just about every other flat surface.

“No, it’s nice… it’s a nice garden.” 

At that, an orderly came in wheeling the meals tray.

“Peggy, we’ve got something for you, we’d like you to start giving solid food a go, it’s just scrambled egg and soft toast, but it would be a start.” He spoke, moving the covered platter to the small table at the back of her room,

there were two chairs and a vase of flowers – of course.

“Oh, thank you …that’s nice …” she attempted but Steve saw the look on her face as she moved over to sit down in front of the food. The guy looked to Steve with a smile.

“It’s an honour to meet you, sir.” He added before coming in to shake Steve’s hand; he fought his own blush and shook the man’s hand back.

After he left Peggy tentatively took the hood off the food and inhaled.

“Never thought toast would be the best smell…” she added with a happy sigh, but then looked apprehensively at the silverware. She fingered it lightly.

“You don’t have to if you’re not ready…” Steve hoped it would help but she just looked up at him with tears in her eyes as he took the seat next to her.

“No, I … was just thinking how odd is it to be able to say I haven’t touched a fork in almost a year … or eaten toast… eaten much of anything and yet I’m still standing.” 

He softly moved to grasp her free hand.

“Well, that’s because you’re amazing.”

She shook her head like she always did when someone attempted to pay her a compliment.

“It’s poetic that my last meal was with you, and my first one back will be too.” She smiled, but it was so sad that it broke his heart all over.

“How is Bucky? And Issie?”

“Good, um,  you know, relief is a big thing for us right now.” He smiled. “Got some sleep, so he’s good … The kid is good she’s glad we’re home, adopted a kitten and lied to Maria about it being hers…”

Peggy’s eyes went wide.

“What?!”

“Yeah, and Maria bought it, she’s sneaky that girl.”

It made Peggy laugh for a second before she stifled it. He wished she wouldn’t.

“Oh my goodness. Well, what kind of cat?”

“There are kinds? I don’t know, it’s grey, kind of fluffy but you’d know it’s seen some shit.”

She smiled again before reaching for her toast and taking a bite.

“Buck’s taken it to the vet otherwise, he’d –“

“No that’s good, I’m glad she’s got a pet… something to focus on, it’s good. It’ll teach her responsibility, hopefully.”

He agreed and kept on talking as she took small, small bites of her food, looking to him for support with every swallow. He wasn’t going to move if she didn’t want him to. And so he rambled, about SHIELD, and the kid a lot – mostly   
the kid, about Bucky – about Maria and Stark … and when he didn’t mention Angie, she mentioned her for him.

“How is she then? Reaching for the stars, still I hope?”

Steve looked at his shoes. Should he tell her? He should, in the back of his mind he knew he should, but did she need this on top of everything else? Did she need to know right this minute what a weak idiot he had been?

“She’s … good I mean she’s …fine you know? She’s doing well, work … its going well as far as I can tell … but it’s not … I mean I don’t see her much. I mean,” he stammered and Peggy sat back in her chair, curious, her eyebrows   
knitted together. 

“Steve is there a reason why you’re turning very red right now?”

He looked up to her then and she was smiling that smile he knew when she was actually laughing at him, fork in hand.

“No, I … I mean it’s just   … she’s fine.”

“Good, I’m glad she’s fine,” Peggy added before moving on to another slice of buttery toast. She got half way through it and stopped. To anyone else it looked like she barely touched her plate, but Steve was damn proud.

“I’m done I think…” she added before getting up to get back on her bed, taking a peek at what was in the bags Steve dumped there.

“No, that’s good, baby steps huh?” 

“Yes.” She declared with a sigh, “Baby steps. Now,” she patted the space on the bed beside her as she shifted over. “Come tell me which one of these books I need to start first?” 

His heart sped up at her request. She wasn’t pushing him away, which was good, she wanted him close by, that was even better. He hadn’t realised how he had longed to just sit with her until he got the chance again, and even better   
still he felt like he was floating as she laid her head softly on him and asked him to read to her.  

Baby steps that felt like strides.

                       ********

He was fussing he knew he was, but the thing was, he couldn’t help himself. He had worried so much for so long, and also felt major overwhelming guilt, that having her there and being actually able to care for her, it made him feel   
good, it made him feel like less of a failure if he was somehow making sure she was alright, even in some way.

He could tell she was getting annoyed though, she had been home for just over a week at this point, and his coddling was becoming irritable. 

But she allowed it because she missed him too. 

“You need to sit down and breathe,” she insisted, sitting up in bed, watching him rearrange vases. The rest of SHIELD decided that flowers were the answer, apparently. 

“It’s fine, I just want it to look nice –“

“It does –“compared to where she came from it really was, “you’ve already helped with the pillows and my blankets, my robe– really James.” She reached out then to stop him from fluffing her blankets – again.  He stilled and looked at   
her then, before sinking to the seat at her side. 

“I’m sorry –“

“It’s fine, just … breathe and relax okay, you trying to make me relax is stressing me out.” 

He nodded again, still holding her hand.

“They’ll be here soon, where’s Steve?” She wanted to tell him first, she needed to tell him... first. But they had no time now.

“He’s dropping Bella off with the sitter. He should be any –“

At that Steve came bustling around the doorway, shrugging his wet coat off and smiling.

“Sorry, traffic.”

“How is she?” Peggy asked, almost desperately.

“Good, she’s got some major playtime in with Greta, so she’s ecstatic.”

“Who’s Greta?” Peggy might not be ready to face her baby, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t fascinated by all aspects of her little world just the same. They went on to explain that she’d made a friend at the park and her mother was

a nurse at the hospital in Brooklyn, her dad a guy Bucky knew from way back.

 

She was safe as houses. 

 

What wasn’t safe was Peggy’s sanity, she had agreed after a week of near silence when faced with doctors, psychiatrists, and everyone in between, that she’d tell her story but only once, and if they needed to hear it, they’d all better be   
in the one room at the same time. She was told it was against practice procedure, it was against policy, which only her husband was by law permitted to such a thing and not any outsiders – i.e. Steve. 

She told them if they wanted to know more they’d do as she said, if not she’d walk.

 

They agreed. Because Bucky gave her, her file, and she knew what she was talking about, she knew what they wanted. They wanted access to her, whatever was in her DNA now, whatever was in her blood. And what was in her head, a   
few of them were dying for that too.

 

A nervous few minutes later, the doctors piled in, all three of them, and stood. Bucky played his role of attentive husband to a tee, and Steve the detached, ‘we’re just friends, Doc,’ role also solid and unruffled.

It was when she began talking that she saw Steve fall apart, she saw Bucky retreat. She saw the guilt wash across their faces, but she powered on.

 

“By the time I woke up at this point, I was on the table, my body was numb….” She recalled sitting up straighter, her tea in hand. “I noticed stitching, I … felt different. I asked why and he …” she looked at Steve then, hoping he   
understood why she only wanted to tell this story once. “They said they had taken care of me, of …the foetus.”

 

“You were pregnant?” A doctor asked, still writing. Peggy looked from Bucky to Steve, and focused in on him again, so he knew what she was telling just him.

 

“Yes, I was pregnant,” she noted the pain on Steve’s face as it sunk in, she felt Bucky squeeze her hand in comfort, she wouldn’t cry, she couldn’t. “Um, just a couple of weeks so it was just … cells… but they took it before it could…

and they fixed me. Like a dog at the vet.”

 

“I’m sorry ma’am,” a female doctor spoke then, the others just looked uncomfortable. It wasn’t until Steve excused himself to leave the room that Peggy let the tears that were welling up in her eyes, fall.

 

 

Everything else that happened to her while horrific, it was she realised, things she could deal with given time. But the fact that they stole this from her, from them, well, it was a hard pill to swallow. 

   
“Can you tell us about the reinforcements?” the male doctor asked; yes the reason why she’s refused x-rays, the reason why she’s terrified of MRIs now.  Bucky already knew this; they’d discussed it late the previous night, so she squeezed his hand and asked him to go check on Steve. She was met with his pinched annoyed face, as if he could leave her in the middle of this? But they knew she’d be fine, really, and she was more worried about Steve than her own trip down nightmare lane.  
   
Silently he agreed, leaning in the kiss her cheek which she allowed and she watched him leave the room.  
   
“They reinforced by bones with what I now know was Adamantium thanks to the files my husband retrieved, ask me what you need to –“ she spoke, confidently, as Bucky closed the door behind him. “Let’s discuss that, shall we?”  
                   ***  
He found Steve, unsurprisingly in the hospital chapel, after checking the cafeteria and the roof, he found him sitting in there alone, crying how Steve always cried, silently and shattered.   
   
“God Buck you shouldn’t be here, you should be with –“  
   
“Shh, okay c’mere?” He added softly, taking a seat next to him, instantly putting his arms around him and hugging him, Steve sniffled at his shoulder. “She wanted me here, I wanted to find you.”  
   
Steve sniffled again, pulling back before wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater like he always did, he did it before because they were always too long, and now it was, Bucky guessed still just an old habit.  
   
“I feel so stupid, this isn’t about me, it’s about her and all the horrible fucking shit she’s been through, and she’s still standing and … I can’t even take this without crumbling.” He sniffled again.  
   
“I am sorry, Stevie. I … I’m sorry. You know how much I wanted this for you, for all of us,” and that was the truth, Bucky knew Steve adored Bella, but he wanted him to know that specific feeling… and now that was robbed from them too. He swallowed the bile from the seething hatred he held in his heart for every one of those assholes involved. “And there are other ways … if that’s …”  
   
“I just want her to get back to herself,” he added, nodding more confidently for a second, “everything else is just details.”  
   
“You’re still entitled to feel… what you feel, though, I know you; don’t go brushing this off okay?”  
   
Steve merely shrugged attempting to smile.  
   
“Yeah…”  
   
“Steve I mean it, it… it’s a shock, you’re allowed to feel shocked.”  
   
“I just mostly feel sad… for what might have been, you know? I see how amazing Bells is, and,” he swallowed and wiped his eyes, “she’d have made an amazing big sister.” He added before looking up to the altar. “You know, I never came here … or to a church, I mean, after Peggy. I couldn’t. I went after I came back when I was feeling lost and really unsure of what my place was here now… I would sit for hours and just … remember. Not even pray, which I’m sure my mother is less than thrilled about,” he huffed a laugh, “but, just remembering, and trying to piece a place for myself again. You both gave me that,” he smiled then.  
   
“Nah, you gave yourself that, we just … Steve, there was never any question, neither Peg nor I were willing to let you go again, you … mean everything… and I know lately, it’s not felt like that you’ve felt like I’ve been neglecting you or something –“ Bucky huffed an awkward breath, trying to put it out there properly, and failing  
   
“Buck I’m over –“  
   
“Nah it is what it is, and you’re right, and you know my stupid reasons you do.”  
   
And he did the stress and the pain made them brainless and crazy. Hell, what he did would Angie was right up there on the crazy list, especially for Steve.  
   
“I’ve made huge mistakes where we’re concerned too, Buck –“  
   
Tell him, just tell him, get all the painful shit out, Steve thought but then, then Bucky grabbed him and kissed him – in a church! And suddenly his brain didn’t work so well any more. Bucky kissed him softly, but determined, and  
   
Steve desperately kissed back, grasping the soft cotton of his shirt, pulling him closer.  
   
Steve pulled back with a smile before putting his head in the crook of Bucky’s neck and mumbling, “I can’t believe you just kissed me in a church,” before he pulled back fully to see Bucky almost smiling.  
   
“And look it, we didn’t burst into flames, what do ya know?” he joked touching Steve’s chin with his thumb.   
   
“Maybe we’re not so bad after all?”  
   
Bucky sighed, “No, listening to our girl recall everything that was done to her, those people are the ones he should be looking for, not us.” He nodded to the crucified Jesus on the cross at the altar. And yeah, he was really very right.  
   
“We should get back up there, I can’t believe I just … I just felt sick to my stomach for the first time in a long time, felt like I couldn’t breathe.”  
   
“Peggy understands, she does.”  
   
Steve nodded before reaching for Bucky’s hand and standing, yanking him with him.  
   
“Come on, she needs us, even though she’ll never admit it.”  
   
   
               ***********  
They found her not so much in a delicate emotional state but arguing the semantics of what was in her bones now, the physics of the situation, of which she was extremely passionate that she was right, and that she was never submitting to any more tests.

“Look here, you attempt to force me and I will walk out that door!” they heard her saying and with that they intervened, for the young doctor’s sake more than hers. He looked terrified. 

“Ma’am –“

“Don’t you Ma’am me, this is what I’m telling you and that’s that.” She all but huffed smoke sitting up on her bed. Steve took the good doc aside, outside the room for a breather, and Bucky went to her side.

“I … didn’t mean to shout at him but my goodness does no one listen? I specifically said!”

“Hey, hey, I know,” he spoke softly then, reaching for her hand, “It’s okay. They won’t touch you.”  
“Damn right they won’t, you know I ripped out a man’s throat with my bare hands?” she aimed at the rest of the doctors standing now shell shocked at the foot of her bed.

“Um,” the female one started, “we’ll take a break, hmm? Give you guys some time, we’ll be back in ten minutes.” She said more to herself and the two men beside her than to Peggy and Bucky. When they closed the door she let loose a   
soft giggle.

“I didn’t really rip out a man’s throat…” she confessed softly then, pushing herself down into the bed some more, letting go of his hand. “I wanted to, though,” she looked at him, and the sadness in her eyes ate at his heart. He wished   
so badly that he could fix it.

“I know the feeling.”

“What did you do to Zola?” 

Bucky tensed, tensed so much he stood up and walked to her window. 

“Peggy can we just not –“

“I need to know, you got my files, you were in … that room, I need to know okay?”

He couldn’t look at her, he couldn’t.

“I did what I should have done years ago, if I had done it none of this would have even fuckin’ happened, that’s what I did.”

He looked to her then, she looked so small in that big bed. 

“I shot him, I made him feel it, I made him suffer because he deserved to feel just a fraction … I made him suffer. And then I shot him in the head.” He whispered before turning to see that she was crying. Fuck.

“Peg –“

“No it’s good. It is. I’m …and you’re sure?”

Oh, his heart. 

“Positive. Sweetheart, they rounded up what was left at the base, they arrested them, they’re in custody, all of them that aren’t dead are in our hands, we got this, Peg. They’ll pay for what they did I promise.”

She nodded wiping her tears and he ached to hug her but knew that wasn’t welcome yet.

“I see him; every time I close my eyes I see his face… I hear his voice I … feel him. I know it’s not real but it feels so real.” She spat out angrily. “And then they –“she motioned to the door, “want to test and test and know things that   
they have no business knowing and I hate it… I hate them. They’re just like him on the inside.” She closed her eyes and laid back on her pillows. “They want to lock me away too, did you know that.”

He did know that. He knew what his swift and biting response was to the one poor nurse that suggested it too. 

“That’s never going to happen, Peggy.”

 

“I heard them talking, they thought I was asleep. How I was a poor broken woman now and that how could I survive all that and not be … what was the word they used… psychologically broken? Hm. They mentioned a place upstate

I think, a ‘facility’ for my kind of broken.”

“Peg.”

“How could her poor husband ‘deal with all of that’.” She huffed, wiping a stray tear. “Maybe they’re right.”

“They’re not, and they’re assholes for even thinking such a thing never mind –“

“Maybe it would be better if I was –“

“Peggy, listen to me okay?” he touched her face then, permission or not he couldn’t have her carry on with this train of thought, not today. “You’re safe, you’re home, and you’re not going to be left or put anywhere you don’t wanna   
be, okay? Tell me you hear me, Peggy.”

She looked at him, her eyes filled with tears and she just nodded as she let them fall. He moved in, again without permission, but understanding that if she wanted to she could very easily push him away and he would go. But she   
didn’t and nor did he, so for the first time in almost a year, he held his wife. He held her tight and warm attempting to convey how he felt in touch, how much he never wanted her to feel unsafe again, not as long as he could help it.   
He was desperate for her to understand, he only hoped that now she might.

                   ****

Bucky left just before three, she needed some sleep, or at least the illusion of privacy and quiet, he headed back to Brooklyn, and had assured her he’d call back with Steve later that evening. Paid the kid from down the block, with   
extra because she was a good kid, studying and everything having Bella fed on what he’d cooked and up drawing in her room, where he found her on the floor with Dumpster cat, talking to the cat about the colours in her drawing.

“Hey kid.”

“Hey,” she said not looking up. He peeked; she was drawing a house and trees, their house if he wasn’t wrong. 

“How’s it goin’?” he asked, sliding down next to her and grabbing the cat to sit on his lap. They were warming up to each other, but he sensed cuddles so he went easily.

“Good. I drewed you and Stevie and picture, they’re over there.”

“Who’s’ that one for?”

“Mom.”

She was drawing a picture of home, for her mother. Bucky’s heart clenched.

“Isabella? C’mere a second.” He asked softly, and she put down her crayon and sat up straight, facing him and the cat. 

“Hm?” she asked, pushing a stray curl from her face.

“Howard heard from mom.” He lied but he couldn’t keep it in any more, he just couldn’t. 

“He did? How?!” he could see the excitement in her eyes, and it was addictive. 

“Just ….somehow he did and she’s almost done working.” His heart was stammering and he knew he was wrong for not discussing it first with his people, but the pain of seeing his kid draw pictures and write more letters that he   
thought Peggy might never see, and now she could, teamed with the past few weeks, no, he needed to give someone something good. Even if it was just a little bit of hope.

She smiled, big and wide and so much like Peggy before she laughed.

“Where is she?” 

“Still … away. But she wanted you to know that she loves you SO much Bells. And that she’s so happy to be almost done.” 

Their kid sat down again, this time almost on his knee as he was still sitting on the floor. The cat skedaddled when she got too close, for fear of being sat on. 

“Can we send her my pictures tonight?”

Yeah, they could, in fact, he would do just that.

“You bet, anything you want to send her I can do it for you.” 

She nodded and moved to go back to her paper. 

“I wanna write her myself. ‘K?”

At that Bucky took his hint; he could leave her to it.

“Sure thing, I’m gonna make you some dinner okay? What do you want?”

“Fingers.” She shrugged. And he just laughed. She refused to call them ‘fish fingers’ because, and she was right, ‘fish don’t have fingers’. So, fingers and mash it was.

He bounded down the stairs, picking up her socks on the way and aiming to throw them in the washing machine when there was a knock at the door before he could get to the living room.

When he opened it, three drag queens were stood looking at him expectantly.

 

“Okay.” He said before remembering his manners. 

“Hi?”

“Hello Sweetie, you don’t know me,” the blonde one began, “but we … well, we’re friends of Peggy’s.”

At that Bucky’s eyes widened.

“Okay…” he said, again, dumbly. The redhead laughed, she was holding a pie? He was so confused.

“Sugar, you must be James? Tall, Dark, and hot as hell,” the brunette smiled. He just nodded back.

“Listen,” the red head continued, “Angie told us Peggy is back and she’s safe thank you Jesus,” all three blessed themselves, before handing Bucky the pie. “We just wanted to be good karmic people and send her some love. So, here.” 

He took the pie, and was still very confused.

“Thank you?”

“Don’t thank us, thank Ginger’s mom. Technically this is for his Sunday dessert but they’re watching the figure, you know,” the brunette added, Bucky didn’t know a damn thing but nodded again. They all turned to leave but he called   
gently before they moved.

“How do you know Peggy?”

They smiled.

He noticed how pretty their makeup was. Huh.

“She’d used to come by our place, we do shows you know, that little club, in Dumbo?” the redhead winked, and yeah, Bucky knew the one. He and Steve went a time or two back in the day, always terrified of what would happen if  
they saw anyone they knew.

“Anyway, she’d come by with Angie every few months with stuff for us to use, you know, makeup, hoes, skirts that needed a little widening on the hips because, girl,” the redhead rolled her eyes, “and always the nicest blouses you   
could feel against  your fake breasts.” At that they all giggled. “She’s a good soul is Peggy.”

They became serious at that.

“Do you want to come inside?”

At that, the redhead sized him up with a giggle.

“Oh, honey … I’m not allowed to make that joke no more.” He rolled his eyes, “but no, thank you, sweetheart, we have a show to do, you don’t really walk the streets like this in the day, so we’re gonna make it quick, mores the pity.”

He grinned.

“Anyway, you tell her we said hey and get herself back to rights as soon as she can because we miss her little face.” The blonde said then before they smiled and said their goodbyes.

You learn something new every day, Bucky thought.

He also learned Angie was in town, which in itself was interesting.

“Bella, we got pie for desert!”

 

 

               ********* 

Steve, ever the problem solver decided that it wouldn’t do that everyone he loved was feeling so utterly shit. So he cancelled the doctor’s next pow-wow with the P.O.W (a thing that made Peggy smile so he counted it as a win) and he   
cancelled their shitty hospital food filled dinner, and went out and got them New York pizza. Peggy had mentioned in passing she had missed it, among a ton of other things, so he braved the rush hour traffic of Midtown and went to   
their favourite hole in the wall spot, and got four large – one each and one for the nurses on duty. He knew she’d never eat that much – yet – but she had before and he was all about the positive reinforcements. 

When he got there she was sitting out in a new to her room arm chair, she had a scarf wrapped around her head, and her blanket from home on her legs. She was curled up looking out the window seemingly lost in thought. 

“Special delivery?” he added because he was as cheesy as the pizzas.

She smiled.

“Smells good, Bucky brought sodas, they’re still over on the table, but they’re probably a little warm now.”

Warm soda was still soda.

At that Bucky came through the door, wearing his satchel and black wool coat because March in New York meant it was still bitterly cold.

“Jesus fuck, the fucking traffic was murder… ooh, Pizza.” He then smiled as they all took their seats at her tiny table, squished in like sardines.

“How’s Bella?” Peggy asked as Steve dished out their slices on paper plates.

“She’s really good; she’s with Philips right now.”

Peggy’s reaction to the whole ‘Grandpa Philips’ thing had been the first genuine laugh they heard from her since she got back, she found it hilarious and endearing, which is really was.

“They were reading up on history before I left, and then they were going to watch some TV until Mrs Philips got out from her weekly game of bingo.” Bucky nodded like it all made sense, Steve couldn’t help but smile, before he   
nudged Peggy, which didn’t take much effort as she was right there at his elbow.

“This reminds me of that night in Prague, you remember that?”

Peggy scrunched her brows before she smiled a half smile.

“I do. The night we assailed down a building with Bucky in our ears having an attack of the hysterics.”

Steve laughed then, Bucky just scowled.

“Sure, laugh it up, but I saw it from afar you’re both reckless –“

“Reckless idiots,” Both Peggy and Steve said in unison, and it honestly made Bucky smile without thinking about it. It had been so long…

“Yeah we know, and we did promise to be less reckless, less idiotic…” Steve continued, munching on his food. “Least it’s the intentions that count, right?” 

She made it through a piece and a half as the guys talked, and yeah she could admit that it was amazing, better than anything she’d had since coming back. But it was still … the food was still a thing for her now, she figured it would   
take a while before it seemed normal to just be able to eat what she wanted when she wanted.

“Oh, Peg. Some guys… girls… Um, queens? Came by this afternoon, they left us a pie, it was cherry.”

Her eyebrows scrunched and then released.

“Oh! It’s Benny, Sean and Miles actually, great girls.”

Steve just looked confused.

“I mean they live their lives as men, gay men, but they put on a helluva show out in Dumbo, we should all go some time. Angie and I went and we hit it off with them, it was nice to just go somewhere and not get hit on.” She rolled

her eyes. But Steve noted it was the most she'd said in one go since she got back. 

“That club in Dumbo?” Steve asked Bucky and he nodded. “Oh, that club … in Dumbo.”

Peggy looked between them then.

“You know it?”

“Mm, we went um … once.”

“There’s a story here, I feel it in my reinforced bones.”

 

Steve made a face and she just petted him on the arm.

 

“I’m allowed to make jokes, breathe.”

 

“Anyway, yeah, once, and it was um, interesting I guess… to see that … we weren’t you know… alone? It was nice, and terrifying.”

 

“And the one night out where it didn’t end in Steve getting his ass handed to him, but the offer of like three other guys asses,” Bucky smirked. “Good times.”

 

 

They continued eating as Peggy slipped from her chair back to her bed, she was wiped from doing so little, she had a feeling whatever hell Zola was in he was not amused at this fact. 

 

She mentally rolled her eyes at herself, she needed to stop –

“Peg I got something for you, it’s from Bella.”

At that, her attention went straight to her guys.

“What is it?”

“Well, I …” he moved to his bag and pulled out a pile of papers. “She wrote this one all by herself, it’s for you, and a drawing and … another drawing of Dumpster cat because you haven’t seen him yet. And I brought some other  
things too for later.” He looked to Steve who just smiled before he moved to sit at the bottom of Peg’s bed and hand them over, she took them gingerly. 

“I um,” he looked to his bag for help, it didn’t. “I told her you were coming home.”

He swore he heard Steve’s brain screech to a halt.

 

“What? Why would you do that?” Peggy asked, her anxiety rising.

“Buck…” Steve began but stopped. And yeah, he felt guilty for not discussing it but they didn’t see her!

“I mean, it’s true.” He dared look her in the eye then and could see her tension. “You’re coming home, eventually. Before, we … you were working you know what we told her.” Peggy nodded. “And it was a horrific lie to tell, but much   
better than a half truth because we simply didn’t know the outcome, we hoped.” He looked to Steve, “but for sure we didn’t know and I … we weren’t willing to put her through that pain.”

“And if I don’t come home?” she asked, her voice breaking. 

“That’s up to you, it will always be up to you, but I’d like to think that regardless of whether or not you come home to us that you will in some sense always come home to her.” He finished, proud that his own voice didn’t break   
because hell if it wanted it. It was one of the many things they didn’t speak of yet. Them. Them as a trio, all three knew they’d never be the same again, but no one dared to even imagine that when all was said and done there might not be a trio any-more, and that terrified each of them on different levels.

“It’s a letter.”

As Peggy opened it and saw the crayon writing her heart tightened. 

“Not sure it makes much sense, she’s struggling with her R’s they look like little I’s.” Bucky clarified. As Peggy read about Dumpster cat and how he was fluffy and sweet and how she’d love him if she met him like she loves him, and she loves her mom more than Dumpster cat.” She was crying, she couldn’t nor wouldn’t help or hide it. It was beautiful. Her baby was beautiful.

“What do you mean, she wrote this one herself? Are there more?”

Bucky nodded to Steve, who lifted a pile of papers from the bag. They were wrapped in a leather covering and bound with parcel string. 

“I’d been storing them in my office at my place.” Steve clarified. “We … she thinks we sent them to you.”  
   
Both men looked positively broken at that confession and it was when she realised that they were all in this together, still, that they were just winging it, as always. She wanted to sob, but controlled herself and thankfully so because as Steve laid the little book of letters on the bed, the door opened. She had expected the nurse telling them that visiting hours were long over, but no, it was the nurse, sure, but it was also him.  
   
Stark.   
   
Well, shit.

 

Notes:  
As always I'm dying to know what you think!! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I'm dying to know what you think!! <3


	46. Brave New Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some home truths are fired like bullets from a gun, and land just as deadly a shot.

The room went silent for a second, though to Peggy’s ears it felt like an eternity, and Steve moved first, then Bucky. Both of them in his direction.

She was half listening, half somewhere else.

Howard Stark was looking drawn and pale, not the dapper man she once knew. Then again, the man she once knew had been a lie. She felt bile in her throat. He clutched flowers, and champagne, and Steve walked to greet him. She wasn’t sure what they were saying because there was an odd buzzing in her ears suddenly.

It wasn’t until she saw Bucky, of all people, _Bucky_ , hug him that she snapped.

“Thank you Howard. Really, I don’t know if we could have done any of this without you,” her lawful husband spoke, his face bright, beaming, happy, as he embraced the man she once knew a second time.

“And you know Bucky’s happy because he ain’t a hugger,” Steve, her unlawful husband, admitted moving to hug him too, and she felt as though she might vomit what little food she had managed to keep down.

When Howard looked at her it was with all the pain and guilt she knew he felt.

She didn’t care.

“Can … we have a minute?” she asked, fixing her robe and sitting up straighter on her bed. Both her guys looked confused.

“Please? I’d like to talk to him, alone, if that’s okay?” she asked, sweeter this time and of course they agreed. Steve patted him on the shoulder before Bucky walked to her, kissing her hand. “We’ll be right down the hall okay?”

“Oh there’s no need, you should both go free Chester from his duties. Besides,” she eyed Howard then, who looked at the floor, “we have some catching up to do,” she added, still sweet. He accepted it and they left, there were handshakes to Howard in passing, both of her guys just beaming. She wished she shared their ignorance in that moment. God, it would be so much easier.

At the very least Howard had the sense to keep standing where he was. Waiting on her instruction.

“How is Maria? I heard she married you, is that right?”

“Yes.” His voice broke, he cleared his throat and spoke again, “Yes, she … we … yes recently we … It was spontaneous, just both of us, Jarvis, Ana were our witnesses. We didn’t … with everything we didn’t want a fuss. Maybe later on we’ll do a big old party but…” he stopped then, seeming to catch on that she didn’t really want to talk about that.

Silence.

“Peggy … I’m so sorry. I’m just _so_ fucking sorry that this happened, that I couldn’t have found you sooner, that I couldn’t have done something–”

“Oh you did plenty, Howard, just plenty.” At that he took a seat next to her bed, she bristled.

“Peggy please, just let me explain.”

“Explain what, exactly? That you were the one that smuggled Zola out of the US, that _you_ were the one that gave the little bastard a lab, that you were the one that was funding his research–”

“For the cause, Peggy please–”

“FOR YOUR OWN BLOODY CAUSE!” she made a burst and it felt like her blood was on fire as she recalled in intimate detail the fire there when they injected her, the screaming, and the helplessness. Not anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re pathetic is what you are, and I never saw it before, never did. But Bucky,  _ Jesus _ he had your number right from the start and we all,  _ all _ of us, we told him no. No, he’s a  _ good _ man; he means well, he’s just odd. That’s all. But you’re not, are you, you’re a crazy person with a massive bank account and thus feels like he can do what he likes.”

“I never wanted him to hurt you; I never wanted him to hurt YOU.”

“No,” she said with sarcasm dripping from her tones, “No, you just planned it so he’d take my  _ husband _ , didn’t you?”

He didn’t answer. They already knew what the truth was regardless.

“You think I couldn’t clue together the pieces of the puzzle? How he got that lead on Zola at just the right time, at that place, knowing he couldn’t ignore it?” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“What you do, what I’ve allowed you to do inside my organisation for too long …You are building the weapons we're trying to protect the world from, you have no right to sit in that chair.” She shook her head. “Bombs go missing, tech, plans, PEOPLE, all of it, you’re so careless with everything because everything is replaceable right? Someone else will always be there to clean up after you. Me, Jarvis, Maria…”

He looked to the floor before speaking.

“Those weapons include your men, you know that right? You know that.”

She laughed bitterly then, admiring his nerve in all honesty.

“No, Howard, those weapons now include  _ me _ .” He had the good sense then to look a little scared.

“Do you know what these are?” she motioned to the stack of letters on her bed, the little book cover keeping them together. There were sparkles and butterflies on it.

“These are letters from my daughter that her father and Steve had to write almost every night because my little girl missed her mother that much.”

He closed his eyes and swallowed.

“But you don’t care do you? You wouldn’t have cared if it had been her dad, taken, tortured.”

“I would, I just–”

“I don’t want to hear it, Howard. I don’t because it doesn’t matter now. None of it matters. I sit here and I pretend that it’s okay, that I’ll get over this, and maybe one day I might, but until then I pretend. I fake smiles until my face hurts, and I hold back tears because I’m not even sure they can fall any more, and I look at my family and I see what this has done to them. I look at these letters and I SEE what it’s done to my little girl. You made this happen, whether you admit it or not you’re responsible for all of this and I hate you for it, Howard. I can’t see past that right now.”

A beat, a silent moment in which she took a much needed breath.

“I want you out of my life. I want to never see you again.”

He was crying now, not at all attempting to stop it. She found that she cared little. He was, in so many ways, her brother. Her brother in arms, her partner in business, he was her family for so long.

_ And he betrayed her. _

She should care more, she knew that, but it was as if she just … couldn’t.

Maybe it was the ton of drugs the doctors had her on now, maybe it was that. Maybe it was everything else.

“Peggy–”

“I want you to sign your half of SHIELD to me. To me or the board. I don’t really give a fuck. But I want you out. You can’t be there, tainting what I’ve broken my back to help build.”

He opened his mouth, only to close it again.

“We’ll relocate the HQ permanently to Washington, moving out of all Stark owned buildings, you’ll sign over your current inventions to us, and we move on, is that clear?”

“Peg, think about this.”

“I have. I’ve had almost a year in a cell to think about a lot of things, Howard.”

At that his lip wobbled a little before he cleared his throat.

“Do you know what they … what he did to me, Howard? Do you? You  _ should  _ know, you planned it with  _ him _ .”

“NO!” he protested then, almost charging for her. “I swear on my life I did not. I did NOT. I just … wanted him to finish his research.”

“And by  _research_ you mean his torture on my husband.”

“Peggy, Bucky was already in the final stages of the experiments, he would have felt no pain, and it would have taken a day, a weekend at most.”

“Like a spa break, then,” she huffed, moving out of her bed to stand. She shrugged down her robe, bared her back by moving her nightie to let him see; and he gasped. “It was more than that for me, as you can see.”

It was, the doctor had said, as if she had been struck by lightning. The scars were so faint, like threads almost, tiny and white bumped under her ghostly pale skin, but they were there if you looked hard enough. Her back was covered from her neck to the top of her ass. Faint, but constant. 

_ Like her memories. _

She covered up her back again, having shown him enough.

“If I tell them, they’ll kill you,” she pointed out, sitting down slowly. “And it won’t be Bucky you’ll have to worry about; Steve will rip your fucking head off in a heartbeat.”

“If … if you tell them?”

She sighed, getting back into bed.

“Do you really think you’d have gotten through that door if I had?”

She shook her head. “I … have enough blood on my hands. I have enough darkness in my heart and I do not want to infect them with more of it. I can’t. And, I know if I tell them of how you utterly betrayed us... They will, in fact, kill you. And as much as I’ve wanted that on and off for the past year, I think it would be more fitting to let you live in own misery. I won’t give you the satisfaction of allowing you to place the blame at someone else’s feet.”

He nodded, face red from tears.

“So you’ll do as I say, and you’ll do it soon. You’ll explain to Steve your absence from our lives from today on, you’re a clever chap,” she snarled. “I’m sure you’ll think of some really great lie that he’ll no doubt buy, hook, line, and sinker, just like we all did for so long.”

Fresh tears fell, and she just didn’t care. Maybe one day she’d get over her pain and be able to stomach him, but it wasn’t this day.

“Peggy, I need you to know–”

“I already know enough, now get the fuck out before I change my mind and let them hang you.” She met him eye to eye unblinking, she wasn’t even sure he was breathing anymore.

He nodded and slowly backed away toward the door.

“For what it’s worth, I am truly sorry,” he whispered, and before she might not have heard him, but she did. Just as he walked out the door, closing it softly behind him. Getting back into bed, she wrapped herself up, fixed her blankets neatly and sat. If she mourned for the loss of her friendship, at least no one was around to witness it.

_ ***************** _

“God Steve, what if she doesn’t … recognise me?” she asked, squeezing him closer as they walked arm in arm through the park two days later.

“She will, trust me, she’s talked to your photos a lot, we even have some of you both in her bedroom. She remembers her mother,” he reassured softly. She had made the decision that she was through putting it off, she needed to hug her baby. So she sent them to her closet for supplies. Her own clothes – which felt foreign to her now, a wig that closest matched her old hair style – she had a perfect one that she used on a mission, slightly darker than her real hair, but a fair match none the less, and makeup, goodness, so much makeup to make her look like her old self.

She didn’t miss the look of shocked recognition on Steve’s face when she stepped out of her hospital ward, dressed and looking so much like the old Peggy, she was even able to fool herself for a second or two.

She was wearing her red sunglasses and a red blouse with dark pants, her beige camel coat too, though it was sunny, but April in New York that year was still bitter cold. Or maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was just that she was cold, maybe she’d always be cold from then on, she thought.

“But what if she hates me now because I’ve been gone so long? I’d hate me if I were her, I just left and didn’t–”

“She knows, Peg. She knows it was work and she knows you wanted to come home, and as far as she knows, nothing bad happened, and you’re back now. She’ll be thrilled.” He sounded so sure. “Besides, we told her this morning and she got so excited she couldn’t finish her breakfast and she told Dumpster Cat all about it. I swear she changed her dress three times,” he said with a grin as they found a bench by the lake and took it. His hand slipped into hers.

“Is my hair okay?” she asked, nervously fidgeting.

“Sweetheart, it’s perfect.”

Her heart was beating so fast she thought she might pass out, she saw them coming before they saw her, and good god her baby had gotten so big, so tall from the last time she’d seen her. She was in a blue dress and navy tights, her little shoes shined perfect, and she was wearing a red coat and hat and scarf to match. Her hair was down, in curls; Peggy couldn’t believe how long her hair had grown. It served as a reminder of just how much she had missed. Peggy saw how hard she was gripping Bucky’s hand and it broke her a little bit. But when she and Steve walked closer it was all Peggy could do not to run to her as her eyes lit up a little, even as she kept playing with her hair.

_“Oh darling_ , _ ”  _ Peggy all but gasped before hunkering down to her level. “Do…” she looked to Bucky who gave Peggy an encouraging nod. “Do you remember me?”

Their kid looked to Steve, then to Bucky, then back to Peggy before she nodded.

It was as if all Peggy’s Christmases came at once.

“You’re really back?” came the small voice, shy eyes looked on.

“I’m really back,” Peggy attempted without breaking.

“Forever?”

“And ever,” she smiled with a sob.

“Good. They don’t need you to work far away no more?”

“Nope, never again, I’m … I’m all done with that.”

The kid studied her for a second, her curious face so reminiscent of her father.

“You look … different, but you’re still my mommy so that’s okay,” she said before she launched herself at Peggy, hugging her so tightly for someone so small. Peggy hugged back as tight as she felt safe in doing so, considering. But she revelled in her girl, her small softness, her clean smell, the connection to her daughter that she had craved.

She realised then that yes, she could indeed still cry, and this time they were happy tears.

**************

Peggy took her hand and they made their way down to the pond. Bucky had brought some bread in a bag for them to feed the ducks. It warmed her heart how easily Isabella took her hand and led her down, showing her the ducks that they had named on one of their many adventures through the park.

“And my drawings?” she asked, talking of the letters she’d sent.

“Every one of them and they were all so beautiful, thank you.” She squeezed her hand softly. “It made me so happy when they would come,” she lied, but she figured it was a would-be truth. God they would have made her life.

“Stevie says that it was no post boxes in the place so you couldn’t write me back.”

Her heart broke.

“That’s true, but now, I got them all anyway and I don’t ever have to go back there,” Peggy reassured as best she could, though who she was reassuring the most she wasn’t sure.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she spoke softly as Peggy handed her another piece to throw, and she pushed a stray curl from her face very matter of fact too. “It was too far away away, and daddy and Stevie were sad all the time.”

“They were?”

“Mmhm, all the time, and then they were mad at each other and sometimes they … went away too and I didn’t like that at all.”

“No, I suppose you didn’t.”

“And now we got Dumpster cat, and he needs a  _ lot _ of attention, so daddy says, and that means we gotta.” She shrugged her little shoulders, sliding on to Peggy’s lap. Peggy took the chance to cuddle her again.

“Well, I promise you, my work is all done and I can spend as much time as you’d like with you from now on, how’s that sound?”

“Good.” She smiled and god Peggy’s heart melted.

&&&&&

She’d noticed that Steve and Bucky had spent their time watching them, people watching and conversing, while Steve sketched; but that things still seemed … off. She hated that. Feeling rejuvenated, and a little bold, she brought it up when Bucky wandered down to them at the pond’s edge after a minute or so of admiring their kid.

“I want you and Steve to go somewhere alone, and sort it out.” She said without preamble.

“It?”

“It. The fact that things have been odd since I got back, and don’t say they haven’t because I have eyes, with amazing vision now, thank you.”

“Things … have changed, Peg. The whole thing took its toll on everyone, including us. It’s not that easy anymore.”

“It was never easy, James.”

He just looked at her, understanding. It wasn’t easy; they just wanted to fight to make it easier. If he didn’t want to fight now, this was all moot.

“I want you to take the most beautiful boy you ever saw and take him out, take him in, I don’t care, just …  _ attempt _ something.”

Bucky sighed.

“You once told me, you remember this? That he was the most beautiful boy you ever saw–”

“I was very drunk when I told you that,” he added, blushing.

“Mmm, and that you never thought you’d get what you wanted with him, and you did. Now, you still love him?” she asked, feeling every inch her old boss self for a second.

“You know I do,” he whispered.

“He still love you?”

“I think so.”

“Well, I’d be making damn well sure,” she added with a sigh, because really?

“We … I didn’t make it easy on him when you were gone.”

“I know, he told me things got rough and not in the way he usually likes it.”

“I can’t help the way I acted. I got … obsessed with everything and I–”

“Shut down, I know. He knows that too now.  But,” she looked down at her kid, playing happily,  “Bella and I have money, and time to spend in the city until I have to be back for my curfew at six, and frankly I want to spend it in overindulgence with my daughter. We have a lot of catching up to do. And it seems … so do you and Steve.”

He looked back to Steve who was engrossed in his drawings, biting his lip.

“And if he don’t want to?” he asked nervously.

“Then … decisions need to be made. No sense in trying to keep something alive that wants to die.”

He gave her a worried face then, she just smiled.

“I very much want to live. This isn’t about me, and it’s a messy metaphor about you both.”

“Look dad, look at Donald!” Bella yelled from the edge where she sat, still firing little pieces of bread. He nodded to Peggy, before wandering to his daughter and sitting with her, giving Peggy time to go back to Steve.

“What’ya doing?” she asked happily, taking a seat next to him, and he looked up with a smile.

“Doodling.”

“Mm, lemme see?”

And he showed her, and it was so much more than just a ‘doodle’. She hummed, impressed, and leaned in a little more.

“I’m taking Isabella to lunch and then some shopping, you and Bucky need some time alone.”

“Peg…”

“What? Are you really going to deprive me of time alone with my daughter?” she asked, a cheeky tone to her question, to which he sighed.

“You can’t say it like that, it’s not that, it’s … we’ve had time alone, we want time with you.”

“Yeah, I get that … but the time alone you’ve had you’ve been …well … distracted. Besides, Bucky told me he wants to take you on a date,” she added with a  wink.

Steve looked shocked at that, and shot an unsure glance in Bucky’s direction.

“Oh … oh. That’s … um … that’s sweet,” he whispered, and Peggy could sense his nerves.

“Listen, whatever is or isn’t going on between you both, I can physically feel it, which means Bella can too.  So please, go, somewhere, anywhere and talk … or … whatever you need to, to fix things.”

“You’re real subtle, Peggy Carter,” Steve admitted with a smirk, putting down his pencil. “I … are you sure?”

“Sure that I want my guys on form again? Sure I wanna go and blow that money on pretty things for my girl? Hmm, lemme think about that one.” She smiled a reassuring smile. “Go get lunch. It’s not that complicated,” she finished before leaning up and kissing his temple, she took to heart his surprised face when she initiated contact.

&&&&&&&&&&

He knew it was strange, just showing up at her hotel like he was, but frankly he was tired of guessing. He knew, his gut told him whatever he needed to know, and that was usually enough. But as things stood with everyone just so, so very out of control, he needed to make sure.

So that’s how he ended up in Angie’s hotel room the morning before Peggy agreed to see Bella again. He had to know.

Flowers did the trick, and while she blushed on seeing him, he figured it could be attributed to the fact that she was still in curlers.

“I’m sorry for just droppin’ by but I figured … I’d tell you your Queens dropped by with pie, it was a good time.”

She smiled, moving to put the flowers in an empty vase.

“They’re good people, Peg and I used to … well we used to do a lot of stuff I guess,” she shrugged before coming back and sitting at her little table where she was having tea.

“Tea?”

“No, no I just thought I’d come by, say hello…”

“That’s unlike you,” she answered honestly.

“Well when I heard you were in town I was surprised you hadn’t called … come by … at least for–”

“I wanted to. I … really did. I just thought with everything she needed some peace, some time, you know?”

Bucky nodded.

“Besides, it should just be family right now anyway,” she concluded before sipping her tea.

“After all of this you think you’re not family?” Bucky added and noticed how her hand shook a little. “I mean after everything you did for Steve–” her hand gripped the table. “And even before that you’re Peggy’s best friend, Angie … It counts for something.”

At that he got her movie star smile, the fake one.

“Coming from you that’s high praise indeed I gotta say, Bucky.”

He shrugged before sitting down across from her. He needed to look her in the eyes.

“Well it’s deserved. You were really there for Steve when things went south.”

At that she fixed her gaze on him, lowering her cup.

“He told you.” And the guilt washed over her face; how she fooled Hollywood he’d never know.

“No, but you just did.”

Her mouth went agape, her blink rate increased; he’d wager a guess that she was internally shitting it at that moment.

“What … why …” she exhaled heavily.

“Look, relax, okay? I’m not here in any … scorned capacity. I just … needed to know for sure that it happened and it wasn’t just my overactive imagination.”

She looked to her tea. And honestly Bucky felt like he’d been stabbed.

“It  … was once. Only once.” 

_As if that made him feel better._

“It… if he hasn’t told you why–”

“Maybe I don’t need to hear it from him?”

“He genuinely believed you were done with him, how you were acting, how you cut him off…”

Like a knife to the cut, but he knew she wasn’t wrong either.

“It was a really tough time.”

“Believe me I know, you don’t think I know?” she asked and he saw the tears that she hastily wiped away. “So yeah, we went there, and it was a one-time only mistake, only because I don’t love Steve – not the way he deserves, and he loves you – and Peggy – more than life. And if you had been a united front … if he had been feeling less unwanted, less in the way? It _never_ would have happened.”

“Are you saying you wanted it to happen even when he didn’t?”

She sipped her tea then.

“I’m saying you aren’t the only one that sees how _special_ he is. And I don’t just mean serum special, I mean as a man in the world, with a huge heart and a good soul who just wants to know above all else that he’s loved, that he’s needed.”

The guilt hit Bucky like a brick, because he knew this, he just allowed himself to forget.

“All he’s ever wanted was to feel needed, because for so long he felt like a burden…”

“You’re tellin’ me this?” Bucky asked, insulted, because if anyone knew that it was him.

“Well, it seems like you could do with some reminding doesn’t it? The way you let stuff get?” she looked exasperated. “It devastated him. He didn’t just lose Peggy that day, Bucky!”

He knew she was right. It didn’t stop it hurting like a knife to the gut though.

“I’m sorry for how things … happened,” she added, wiping her tears. He hated making women cry, he knew it stemmed from having a sister, he hated it then too. “And yeah, maybe it’s part of why I’m scared to face Peggy – because I’m chicken shit,” she spat, her mid-west accent sneaking through, “but she’s been through enough and this isn’t about me, so I’m here for work and I’m going back to LA in ten days and that’ll be that.”

“You should see her, she’d like to–”

“She’d like to see her friend that didn’t do that with her guy. I … I’m not that person anymore.”

“Steve made that choice too–”

“Because she was gone, Bucky, because you were halfway out the door. I made that choice because I care about him, outside of attraction, or whatever else, he’s a good person–”

“The best.”

“And the best deserves the best, don’t you think?”

“I do.”

She nodded then, crossing her legs.

“Right, so; maybe get on that track then?”

*********

Peggy watched her little girl attack the ice cream sundae with gusto, her little face all but covered in chocolate and cream as she chattered away about everything and anything that crossed her mind.

Peggy couldn’t get over just how far she’d come in less than a year; her face had changed and she’d gotten so tall – for a four year old anyway, and she was wordy now. She wasn’t as wordy when she’d … left.

“And Grandpa Chester said that we can go to ‘Tucket sometime, he and Granma have a house there you know? And they has fishes and ducks! I wanna see the ducks but he says they bite sometimes.”

“Is that right?”

“Mmm, but Daddy says they be like the Central Park ducks, and they’re okay, but they don’t let you pet ‘em.”

“Well, maybe we can find a petting zoo, huh? Pet lots of new animals would you like that?”

Of course that set her off on another tangent; Peggy had to admit she was utterly amused. After she had quietened down, and finished her ice-cream she looked to Peggy thoughtfully.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, darling?”

“I’m real glad you’re home, okay?”

“I’m glad I’m home too, Isabella.”

“Stevie says you gotta stay in hospital for a lil’ bit more time is that true?”

Peggy took a breath. She had, if only for a second, forgot that yes she had to go back, and she checked her watch realising it was sooner than she’d like.  But still, as things stood she didn’t trust herself to go home, not just yet.

“That is true.”

“But you don’t look sick, are you sick?”

“I’m … a little sick. It was with my job you see? It… messed up some of my insides you know? So the doctors just want to make sure everything is perfect before I go home. It’s nothing for you to worry about, I promise.” Peg grabbed her little hand on the table and gave it a soft squeeze to reassure her. It made her smile. “Besides, I have to get better, we have plans now don’t we?”

They had spent their day in and out of the many Manhattan shops – she got a few new dresses and a new pair of shoes, and she got Isabella a new dress and some sweaters, as well as some cute hair bobbins that she’d picked out herself. And in between they made their plans; they were going to visit Angie, and Jarvis and Ana, Bella insisted that she see Uncle Howard’s animals, though Peggy didn’t have the heart to tell her that wouldn’t be happening. They also made plans for the summer, though it seemed so far away, she wanted to go to the beach - a lot.

“That’s true we do. I can’t wait to tell Stevie and Daddy.”

Peggy smiled.

“I can’t wait either.”

******************

Somehow it happened like this; they waved the girls off at the subway before catching their train back to Brooklyn, sitting side by side silently in the noisy carriage, all the way to their stop. The stop was two blocks from the house, if that, they took it also in silence, before stopping off at the Bodega for bread and milk and cheese for the Mac and Cheese Steve had been craving since that morning. They took the stairs to the house in silence, and shed their coats too. It wasn’t until Steve all but smashed a glass at the sink a minute or so later, having downed a whole pint of water in a few breaths that the looming silence was broken.

“We need to talk.”

“Steve–”

“No, okay, fine, I need to talk I need to say things and I need to say them because if I don’t I think I’m going to explode.”  He paced then before walking over and grabbing Bucky by the shoulders and all but sitting him down at the kitchen table.

“You don’t gotta do this now, Steve, it’s been a … an emotional mornin’ alright? Let’s just go upstairs, get cleaned up and relax okay?” Bucky attempted but Steve was pink faced and determined.

“Buck, look … when we talked about before … how we talked about … fuck it why is this so hard? Look I know we’ve talked about how we both screwed up okay.” Bucky couldn’t do this, not then, not after the morning they’d had. Through the emotional washing machine and back again with Isabella and Peggy and everything that it meant to get them to that point.

“Steve, Jesus Christ,” he added, exasperated, before standing up and walking out of the kitchen. He made his way as far as the stairs before Steve got to him.

“I need you to hear me out okay. I need to tell you this.”

“Tell me what? And also, why? Why do you need to tell me this thing that has you twisted in knots, Steve? You ever think I don’t wanna hear it?” He was running, of course he was, because he was insane.

By the time he reached their bedroom Steve basically had him cornered.  He took to tidying away Peggy’s clothes, they had to choose for her, it had been a weird morning wondering what she’d like to wear to see their kid for the first time in such a long time.

“Buck, please okay? I–”

“Steve, I don’t care.”

That got Steve’s hurt face.

“I mean … I care. I do. But I don’t _care_. Whatever it is, I don’t care.”

The brows wrinkled and Steve sat on the bed next to him then.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean,” Bucky sighed, “I mean what I said before. We both fucked things up–”

“But I did that literally in this case Buck and I don’t–”

“I don’t care,” Bucky sounded out, exasperated. “Steve, look at me,” and Steve did, “Whatever it is I can’t hear it, do you understand me? _I can’t._ Not after all we had been through this last while. I can’t.”

Steve seemed then to get it, to understand that it wasn’t that Bucky didn’t want to hear his confession; it was that he emotionally, mentally, maybe even physically, couldn’t handle it.

“I need you to know how sorry–”

“I know. I know, and I _forgive_ you.” Bucky took Steve’s face in his hands then, squeezing ever so gently. “I forgive it, whatever it was, whatever has you tangled in knots … just please can we please forget it? Can we please? Steve?”

“But–”

“You love me?” Bucky asked then, letting go and standing up abruptly, he was manic now, he felt it in his bones, terrified for the first time in a long time of what Steve’s answer might be.

“Buck–”

“I know we keep goin’ in circles sweetheart I know, and I’m sorry for that too, but all I know for sure right now is that I don’t ever wanna go back to this past year, I want it to die a death in hell and  never wanna think about it again. All I know is that I love you, and I didn’t always show it right, not the way you deserved, and that’s on _me_ ,” he paced. “That’s on me, and whatever you did, that’s on you, but for right now … if you love me and still love me enough to…”

“I love you, Bucky, you know that, you know-” Steve’s voice broke then and he coughed to cover it up. Because they were men, and even though they were so very obviously sobbing silently, God forbid they make it  _ obvious _ .

“Then fuck everything else. Peggy’s alive, she’s with our kid right now, Steve, Bella is happy, and you’re here, and I’m here, and Peggy’s there but she’ll soon be here and that means …  _ something _ .  It means we make the choice every day to try … Doesn’t it? It means something goddamn it, and I just need to know if it means you an’ I–”

Before he could ramble any more, Steve kissed him, as if it were that simple – and maybe this once it was. Because on some level – maybe on all levels – Bucky knew and he forgave Steve even if he maybe didn’t know exactly what for, but Steve wasn’t as brave as everyone thought,  and he took it with greedy arms wide open he took it, and kissed his guy because seeing him so distressed – again – was just too much.

He kissed him as soft and gentle as he could, attempting to pour his heart into that kiss, like Steve desperately wanted to _. _

_ Needed to . _

They kissed indulgent and deliberately dirty, Steve opening his mouth, pushing his tongue against Bucky's. Any sweetness giving way to control as Steve's hand tightened around Bucky’s, and then they're in it and it’s everything, scorching and frantic and Steve wants everything, everything he can get.

The dam of emotions and pent up frustrations just burst and suddenly all sweetness was gone and all that was left was that animalist urge that neither of them cared much to restrain any further.  Bucky couldn’t stop kissing him, couldn’t stop touching him.

“This – This doesn’t fix … everything, I know that,” Steve acknowledged and Bucky nodded before kissing him again.

“Point is we wanna…” he pulled back to breathe, “We wanna fix it.”

God, he wanted nothing more than to really try again, all three of them, no matter how far off that might have been.

Steve put his hands in Bucky’s hair, revelling in the keening sounds that it made come from his mouth as he scraped his scalp softly, down to his neck, right down to his heaving, naked chest, all the while peppering him with kisses with a kind of hedonism he hadn’t felt in so long.

“You with me, Stevie?”

It earned him another kiss as he pushed him back onto their bed.

“Tell me what you want,” Bucky murmured before biting down on Steve’s shoulder, then kissing up his neck and onto his jaw. Steve’s toes curled.

"Fuck," he said, breathless. "Buck..."

“You always rhyme so much when you’re hot for me?”

“You always such a smartass?”

“With this ass? Hell yes,” he laughed before switching their positions and looming over his guy, straddling his slim hips as he undid his fly, yanking his pants down as low as he could so Steve could kick them off as reached over to the night stand for necessities.

"Is this what you want?" Bucky asked leaving wet and hot kisses in his wake all the way down Steve’s body as his hips moved helplessly, as he got closer to where Steve really needed him.

“I’m sorry Buck, I’m so sorry,” Steve mumbled, as Bucky kissed and sucked at his tender spots on his thighs. “You’re perfect, you’re so perfect and I fucked up and I’m–” before he could continue he was silenced by Bucky’s mouth perfectly encasing him, tasting him, taking him all in with zero effort, and humming his approval as he did so, making Steve’s toes fucking curl.

Bucky disagreed, and stopped for a second to say so, but it earned him a nails on his scalp moment from Steve and frankly that was enough to get him back to where he was.

“Yes Sir,” he muttered, before he took Steve back in his mouth, working him over until his throat was raw and there was nothing but the feel of Steve’s body, slick with sweat and vibrating with want, before things got blurry and the next thing he knew for sure was when Steve was inside him so perfectly, and his face was squished rather inelegantly into his pillow.

He felt as though he was floating off into space when he came.  Whines escaped him as Steve moaned in response, both of them utterly fucked in every sense of the word. Blankets off the bed, the room in a shambles, he’d wager they matched their surroundings sticky and far too hot, a room that felt like the height of summer, even in the frigid New York April. Of course they knew one amazing session of sex wouldn’t, or couldn’t, solve all their issues, but it was a hurdle they’d avoided for far too long; the reconnection that they needed physically, mentally, and emotionally that came with making love. So when Bucky came back to their half made bed with the warm wash cloth, and gingerly took to cleaning Steve from chest to thigh and everywhere in between, he didn’t miss the soft looks on his guy’s face, the look of unexpected gratitude, and he was sure, it wasn’t just for the clean-up.

Because he felt the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi guys! So sorry it's been so long!! Inspiration had left me high and dry. But I hope you're still with me and if so I'd love to know what you think, as always it's what keeps this thing coming!


	47. Walk The Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking the line wasn't as easy as the song made it out to be, Peggy realised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember me? Remember this? Should I do a ~Previously on? I'm so sorry for the wait, but between life, and Civil War literally and metaphorically fridging two out of three of my ot3 it's been light on the ole inspirations front. I hope to rectify that though, as I've already started on the next chapter! So, come say hi! Can we get her to 500 reviews this chapter? That would be amazing!

They sat on the bench back in Central Park now as the sun slowly goes lower – casting their surroundings in that warm gold hue that felt calming despite the hectic city surrounding them. The bustle of the city around them, the nature within the park; she took it all in.

With her little girl on her lap animatedly telling her, her latest tale; Peggy was learning to breathe again.

She had dreamed of this for so long.

“And I got sick and Daddy got scared but it was okay because he knew what to do because he said Steve got the same sick when he was littleier,” her girl shrugged.

“Younger.” Peggy corrected and Isabella repeated.

“And so I hadda get into a  _ real _ cold bath, it was bad.” She shuddered at the memory as Peggy’s heart clenched as her little girl told her stories of how her dad and Stevie had taken good care of her while she was off ‘working’. This particular one was the previous winter when she’d gotten a fever so bad she was hallucinating; Steve had told her this in passing during one of their quieter evenings in the ward. It didn’t make it any easier hearing it twice, knowing that she should have been there.

“But after the doctor man came, daddy gave me ice-cream and Stevie made cake when I was better I had some with ice-cream, was good.” She nodded; clearly the important detail was the ice-cream. Peggy smiled before petting her daughter’s hair and kissing her temple. In just a few hours she’d gone from skittish to lap-sitting, and Peggy was utterly over the moon at how quickly she just accepted her being back.

She saw them coming down the path, walking closer now than before, Bucky was smiling his Steve-smile and it warmed Peggy’s heart a little, whatever was going on between them was hopefully on its way to rectifying itself. She hoped at least.

“DADDY! STEVIE!” Bella yelled as she hopped off Peggy’s lap and made a running jump toward her Stevie, who instantly swept her up and sat her on his ridiculously large shoulders.  Bucky just rolled his eyes playfully before greeting Peggy with an almost shy hello.

“How was your day, Cinders?” Steve asked jovially jumping making her grab on to his neck with a giggle.

“So good!”

“Good? You good for your mom?” Bucky asked and she nodded enthusiastically. For a second Peggy felt like a strangers intruding on this new dynamic, one she had missed.

“She was great.” Peggy spoke up then, “We did a little shopping, had dinner,”

“And mommy had tea and I had ice-cream  _ and  _ we had pizza, and we had –“

“All that,” Peggy added with a smile. “Did you both have uh … a nice afternoon?”

Both men blushed and it was all Peggy could do not to laugh.  Instead, she just shook her head as they mumbled that it was, and that they were glad she had fun too. 

“What time do you have to –“

“Before six thirty.” It was then just turning six. “I can take a cab it's fine, really.”

“No!” Both men spoke at once and it made Isabella giggle.

“What I mean is, no, you … shouldn’t on your own.”

Peggy sighed at Bucky, because really?

“I could hold my own before and I can do more than that  _ now _ , you think –“

“I think what he’s trying to say is that we just want you to get back safe and sound, and besides,” Steve chimed in twirling so Bella could spin, laughing, “I need to go pick up some things on your end of town, so I can go with, while Buck takes this one,” he grabbed her off his shoulders with ease and put her down. “Home.” Steve smiled; she loved his smile – the bright, white, happy one he gave to only some people.

“I suppose.”

“Stubborn.” Bucky mumbled and it made Bella laugh as she looked up at all three of her parents.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Sweetheart?”

“I can still come see you tomorrow, right?”

Peggy looked to her guys.

“Yes, after one? Maybe we could have lunch… but I have to stay inside tomorrow.” She was telling them more than her. Bucky nodded.

“Sure thing, we’ll bring the food.”

“Can we make the cakes?” she asked, tugging on Bucky’s coat.

Bucky groaned and Steve laughed.

“I’ll fill you in on that misadventure on the way back, Peg.” Steve added, patting Bucky on the shoulder before Bella went to Peggy for hugs goodbye. As they said their goodbyes Bella wasn’t having simple waves, pulling on her dad’s sleeve to go hug her mom.

“Maybe mom doesn’t –“ Bucky began but Peggy cut him short walking the two steps it took to get in his personal space, hugging him to silence any more confusing statements. Sure, she has issues with personal space now; physical affection isn’t easy as it once was, but she could still hug. When she pulled back Bucky’s smile almost caught her by surprise. And his blush had returned.

“I bought her some new things, I’m not sure if she needs them or not but they were cute. We can wear our new things to a movie tomorrow; would that be …would you like that?” Peggy began to Bucky and then to Bella. Their kid nodded excitedly.

“Good, you be good for daddy, okay?”

That earned her another hug at her legs. She took it gladly not before noticing the pained look on her husband’s face before both she and Steve watched them leave; they had parked the car to the south, so it took them a minute to disappear around the corner.

Peggy sighed as they did, before walking to the nearest trash can and promptly throwing her guts up. When she stopped she caught sight of Steve’s worried expression.

“She’s an enthusiastic eater that girl, I’m afraid it’s all still a bit much for my stomach.”

“We can get you some water or some juice…” he offered and she nodded before she nodded to start walking.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to walk back? Spending so much time cooped up … not just in the hospital but … over there. I just wanted to walk, you know? And it’s a nice enough evening, brisk as it is.”

He agreed completely, but then again he’d give her anything she asked for.

“Do you remember that time I got my heel stuck in the grate down that street.” She pointed with a laugh, and of course he did. It had been pouring rain when they’d gotten out of the cab to go for dinner, Bucky and Angie already inside. Her heel had caught, and she had twisted her ankle. All four of them ended up in the emergency room that night, ended up getting take out on the way home. Bucky had made her rest up for a whole week; there were so many homemade ice-packs…

Steve just laughed.

They had made it out of the park and headed in their direction through Manhattan before she spoke again.

“Steve, I’ve something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Oh? What’s that?” he was sure it was about his nonsense with Angie, sure she somehow knew even though he also knew no one had told her … yet. Because he was a coward, but he was a coward that knew that timing was everything, and things with her were still too delicate to disrupt. So, for once, he kept his big mouth shut.

“Howard is leaving SHIELD…”

That stopped Steve in his tracks, to be fair. His pause didn’t go unnoticed, so she slipped her arm through his and kept on walking. “He wants to focus on Stark Industries, and frankly given everything these past few years, I don’t think I blame him.”

“But it means everything t-“

“It’s what he wants, and, having had more than my fair share of time to think about what I want… well…” she knew he was watching her, “All I wanted, all those days when I was lucid, in that cell, on that table.”

It made Steve bristle, talk of her time there always made him clench.

“I just wanted to be with my little girl, to see her laugh and play, and grow… now ten years ago a notion of being that woman, the one that gives up her career for a child no less? It was foreign to me, and something I would have probably scoffed at, being part of the status quo, being a stay at home mother, losing my independence, my livelihood? But,” she sighed as they dodged a man on his bike, “I know now what true loss of freedom is… loss of one’s self. And it’s not dedicating your time to watching something you’ve created grow, and learn and love, it’s not. So … I will tender my resignation as co-director of SHIELD as soon as I’m cleared from the hospital.”

Steve raised his brows in shock, because really? Both of them?

“Peggy this is a lot to take on –“

He was always more a soldier than a spy, but he was first and foremost an amazing leader, so she knew she had to, at the very least, ask.

“I know, it is a lot and it’s not an easy thing. This is why when it comes to who I want taking over the organisation, the one I’ve poured my heart, my blood, and my freedom into … it’s a hard question to ask of anyone, but it’s one, at least for me that has the easiest of answers.”

He clued in instantly.

“Peg…”

“You can say no if you want, I won’t be offended.” She reassured with a squeeze of his arm with hers as they kept on walking, and stopped right before their subway stop, keeping out of the way of any passers-by. “Look, believe me I know what a big ask this is, why do you think I’m asking  _ you _ ?”

“Why  _ are _ you asking me?”

She shrugged. “SHIELD needs a leader, someone I trust with my life, someone with no agenda other than to do the right thing, a good person, with heart… and someone that can kick as much arse as necessary.”

Her last comment made him laugh, before he nervously ran his hand through his hair.

“Steve, the agents need a leader, someone they can trust. And if that’s not you then I don’t know the world like I thought I did.” She shrugged with a coy smile, before nudging him in the direction of the steps. “It’s going to rain; let’s take the subway, hm?”

He agreed and by the time they were seated on the train next to each other headed back to the hospital, he found his voice.

“I need some time to think about this.”

She smiled softly, before touching his beard, “I’d expect nothing less. Take all the time you need.”

******

In truth Steve had made his decision there and then, the idea of handing off SHIELD to some stranger – it didn’t sit well with him. He was honoured she’d ask him, he was perplexed that Howard was so willing to wash his hands of things, considering all he had put into creating it as well, but, he knew the man was eccentric, so chalked it up to just another thing rich people could do – like walking away from one giant business, right into another.

Peggy’s decision wasn’t shocking – all things considered, she had been through something so life changing and traumatic, that the idea of sacrificing anything else for the government, no matter how much a part of the change she had wanted to be at the start. Things, and she, had changed now.  But so had he, and frankly he wasn’t the guy that she imagined, not anymore. The loyal, unrelenting forever believing in his people, he had proven that with his weakness with Angie. But the truth was, maybe, maybe this was his chance to be that person again – for her.

Laying there running circles around Bucky’s bellybutton with his finger; he relayed this all to his guy, post coital. They’d lit the fire in the bedroom, and they were both lit up with nothing but the light from the flames, and the heat from it, and each other to keep them warm.  It was the end of April now, but it had started to snow again, too.

“I just think it would be for the best, you know? Safest hands and all that.”

“You don’t trust the board? Washington?” Bucky asked, clearly joking.

“You know I don’t, not completely. It’s not healthy to trust entirely in your government. Agendas, they change, people’s basic needs rarely do.”

“Says that guy that trusted his government to stick pins in him and make him a stud.” Bucky deadpanned which Steve gave his sarcastic laugh.

“Yeah, well I was crazy back then, felt insecure and useless… was losing my best guy to a fuckin’ war I couldn’t partake in, so yeah,  I made …rash decisions.”

Bucky leaned in then, and kissed him on the temple in recognition of his confession.

“Who’s your second?”

“Fury.” He added without hesitation, Bucky nodded.

“Solid choice, she’s strong, capable, a little terrifying. Just what you need as your right hand.”

“I like her, and she’s a great agent. And I trust her, more than the rest anyway.”

“You think racist hell that is Capitol Hill might protest?”

“Let them. Let them see how little I care about their backwards opinions. Peggy’s shown them that a woman is more than capable of running the show.”

Bucky grimaced.

“It’s dragging the rest of their sorry asses into the land of common sense with you, pal.”

“Fuck ‘em.”

That made Bucky laugh, before he snuggled up beside Steve then, resting his head on his heart.

“I just hope that because she’s leaving SHIELD behind doesn’t mean she’s gonna leave us behind too.”

He’d gotten better, at the insecure thing, he really had. It was just with things so fragile still, it was hard not to second guess, everything.

“Buck…”

“It’s valid Stevie, she’s … got a lot to deal with, and I don’t want to force things, but man. I think we ask her again, to just … come home.”

“It’s been six weeks, Buck, it’s –“

“It’s time she realised that there’s more to her life now than that damn hospital room, man. We gotta show her. We gotta … remind her what it was like before, as a family.”

The next morning Bucky set out to do just that.

*****

He stood at her door for a minute or so, her weekend bag in hand with fresh clothes, and two coffee’s from the diner by the hospital, because even though it was a place for healing that hospital coffee had a way of making him sick, he didn’t want her to suffer through another bad cup if he could offer an alternative. But, she was napping, curled up tight in a way that reminded him of how Bella slept sometimes when she was having a nightmare.  His suspicions were confirmed though when she woke with a start, and a loud gasp for breath as if she was drowning.

He remembered those nightmares of his own, and when she was taken they came back a time or two. It was reliving hell for him; he could only imagine what it was like for her.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he opened, walking inside and placing her things down before taking a seat next to her bed as she sat up.

“No, it… I could feel you watching me that’s all, and it was …not a restful sleep, so it’s all the better I’m awake.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Isabella sends her love, she and Stevie are off to the MET today … again.” He rolled his eyes.

“They go a lot?”

“At least once every few months, it’s their thing. Personally I think it’s because she won’t roll her eyes when he rambles on and on about some obscure artist guy and he thinks it keeps her cultured. I’m like, Steve our kid grows up in the best city in the world of course she’s cultured.”

“London is pretty amazing too.”

Bucky just glared, like a true New Yorker would. It made her smile if only for a minute.

“The docs tell me you’re doing better; your therapy sessions have been less uh …”

“Volatile? They like that word.” She grimaced. “But yes. I do so enjoy knowing they tell you things before they tell me, what a just and equal society we live in.” it was her turn to roll her eyes then, only hers wasn’t so playful. He couldn’t say he blamed her though. “Yes, and no. Frankly it’s pointless. I know what to tell them what they need to hear, just so I can get out of there and get some rest. I hate reliving it and they just insist upon it.”

“What if we got you out of here for good then?”

She looked confused.

“If I told them we wanted you to go home, to … get back to normal as much as possible, I think they’d let me take you home today if you wanted.”

She got up then, gingerly sitting at the side of her big hospital bed. She was still skinny, still wearing her scarf when Bella wasn’t around to ask questions, her hair was growing back at a fast rate – her metabolism and their tinkering she said, but it was still all over the place, she laughed that it was a metaphor for her brain too at one point.

“James… I don’t know.”

“I know. I’m not here to force you, darlin’. I just… want you to know that it’s what we want more than anything.”

“For me to be home?”

“That, but for you to be … safe. To …. I don’t know Peg, to start putting things back together for real, to start living your life.”

She bristled, folding her arms as she got up to walk to her window.

“They have me on a ton of drugs, keeping my less volatile moods at bay. In a normal person I’d basically be a vegetable with what they keep me pumped with. If I leave… if I go …home.” She swallowed, “who’s to say what I’m like? Who’s to say YOU’RE safe with me there. You, Bella, Steve…” her voice was panicked and the other shoe finally dropped. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go home; it was that she was terrified that she couldn’t.

He broke their protocol since she’d arrived and walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her gently, close and letting her head fall against his chest as she still faced away from him. He felt her sigh softly.

“I’m sorry; I’m so afraid. I hate my fear, but I’d rather die than hurt any of you.”

“We got you, Peg. You’d be there with me, and with Steve – Steve who can lift a goddamn tanker and throw it at people, you think he couldn’t subdue both of us without breakin’ a sweat?” he chuckled but she shook her head. “Of all the places to be, with us is the safest place in the world.” She turned to face him then, still allowing him to hold her – a first – and something he longed for.

“Are you sure? I’m not sure how to be… who I was anymore, Bucky.”

He nodded, he understood that.

“Who says you gotta be who you were?”

She half smiled for half a second before it faded.

“Look, we’ve all been through hell; we’ve all come out the other side different. Maybe different is good; maybe it’s just means we keep changing because we’re livin’?”

“You’re a man of many words, James Barnes… you know that?”

“Damn right, my Ma told me I could read better than half our block by the time I was four. She was very proud.” He grinned, exaggeratedly so, but it made her laugh, and that was a prize in itself.

“Come home, Peg. Please?”

She looked at him then, seeing the authentic pleading and love she found there. She knew it was the next step; she just had to be brave for a little while longer. Moving in she hugged him, hoping that was the right answer.

**********

Her heart was pounding through her chest as she took the steps to their home. It didn’t look the same now, freshly painted on the outside she thought. The door opened and Bucky let her go first, and the instant she stepped inside her emotions began a summersault, her breathing picked up too. First she was hit with the smell of coffee, warm and welcoming, then the scent of them, both of their aftershaves, soaps, and the smell of crayons, which she noticed was on a little table by the lamp in the corner, clearly Isabella’s little play area. The fire was lit and crackling and warm. Everything was warm and welcoming. The living room looked the same, more or less. Her antique silver mirror she bought in Boston above the fireplace, the Oriental rug Steve found at the flea market one summer, their sofas, the arm chair with the big reading lamp by the widow, and the TV set sitting by the other corner. It was home. It was what she held on to so tightly for so long, it was home.

And she felt like a stranger inside it.

Seeing the banner almost set her off though, it was a big sign, freshly and messily painted by her daughter and she imagined Steve too. A simple but effective ‘Welcome Home Mommy!’

“Um, Steve and Bells have gone to the bakery, uh we had an accident. Baking a cake… burnt, so if you smell something funky in the kitchen that’ll be it.” Bucky called out from the hallway where he was leaving her bags and hanging up his coat. She turned around to face him as he walked into the living room and noticed he was beaming. His cheeks were red and not just from the brisk winds outside either, he was happy. 

_ God, he was elated. _

She swallowed back her tears as she nodded, shrugging off her coat, he took it eagerly.

“We’ve got steaks, if you feel up to it, salad too, three different kinds of potatoes because Steve panicked and didn’t know which you’d like, so there’s three kinds.” He laughed, running his hand through his hair as she quietly walked through to the kitchen. And sure enough it did smell like burnt cake, but it also smelled good. Home cooked food, she thought.  The table was set; there were flowers – white daisies in a vase in the centre. There were even the good napkins.

She nodded before finding her voice, tracing her finger along the wine glasses on the table.

“I. I need to use the bathroom just … to freshen up. Is that –”

“Of course … of course,” He nodded leaning against the kitchen counter, “Peg you’re home you don’t have to … you know?”

Of course, her thoughts echoed his words. She forgot she didn’t need permission for things any more.

Excusing herself and making her way up the all too familiar staircase, she  didn’t go to the bathroom first, their bedroom – hers and theirs caught her eye first at the top of the hallway and to the right as always.  It was clean, she could smell the fabric softener and the furniture polish, their window was open too. Bed was made, Steve had made it because that was how he always put the corners and the pillows, she smiled at the memory of when he first moved in, Bucky’s frustration at his over-neat ways. She noticed her dresser though, it sat untouched, if she was certain, completely untouched. Her makeup, her toiletries bag, her perfumes… even her lipsticks still sat in it’s place.

Her heart clenched as she sat on the bench at the foot of the bed.

_ They never moved her things… _

They kept them there for her … for her to come back to.

“Hey –“Bucky poked his head in the door and noticed Peggy’s stance. “Oh. Sorry –“

“No come in, please. I … you didn’t move my things?” she looked to him then and he just shrugged, sheepish, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Well yeah. I mean…” he voice broke a little and for the first time she realised she wasn’t taking into consideration what this all meant for him, too.  “It’s your stuff, I always … hoped… when you got back you’d … you know, you’d need ‘em.”

Peggy smiled, she knew it was a sad smile but it was all she could muster in the moment.

“Thank you… for everything.”  When she eyeballed him again his own eyes were red. “If I haven’t said that already… I mean.”  She hated that she was nervous around him now, that really she was nervous around everyone.  Before he could speak again a racket came from downstairs in the form of Bella and Steve returning from their cake mission.

“We’re BACK!” she yelled and it made Peggy laugh, snapping Bucky out of his stare to look in the direction of the noise before Peggy finally moved from where she was rooted in place, to go to her girl.

“MOMMY!!” she exclaimed as soon as she laid eyes on Peggy, half in and half out of her little blue coat in the hallway before pouncing on her on the stairs. The biggest, tightest hug was worth all her worry.

“We got cake! Chocolate and orange!”

“Yeah come on down, we gotta eat first through, real food, not sugar.” Steve added with a smile and their girl sighed.

“Okay… Can I show mommy my room after?”

“Honey, we’ve got all the time in the world.” Bucky added from the top of the stairs. “Mom’s home now.” He said softly and he noticed Steve looking to Bucky then. His smile spoke volumes.

With that she lifted her growing daughter with ease and made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Exactly, so let’s eat, huh? I’m excited for three kinds of potatoes, Steve.” Peggy added with a smile even she could buy as real.

She wanted it so badly to be real.

Maybe it would be, soon.

***************

She and Isabella did the dishes, causing more of a mess with bubbles than necessary but her kid’s laugh was addictive. It was after when Steve put on the coffee pot as the sun was beginning its slow descent that Bucky spoke up again. 

“Hey Bella, should we show mom the surprise?” at that her little eyes bugged out like she had forgotten, and she hopped off the chair she’d been standing on.

“You gotta close your eyes first, okay mom?”

Peggy looked to the two men who just shrugged, so she did as she was asked after she wiped her hands on the drying cloth.

“Okay, hit me.”

At that Bella reached for her hand and led her what ended up being outside the backdoor, she hadn’t noticed anything through the windows to their left that looked out onto the overgrown yard but then again she hadn’t been looking and they were covered with white net curtains after all.

“Okay no peeking!” she heard the little voice yell from across the yard as Bucky came to her side to steady her, not that she needed it, her sense of perception now was perfect in the dark or otherwise.

“Stevie the switch!”

“Oh,” she heard as Steve fumbled with something made of plastic from the sounds.

“Okay. Open.” Bucky whispered, and when she did, she wasn’t really prepared.

“Oh my goodness…”

“You like it?!” their kid exclaimed, and yes, she did.

“It’s… you did this?” she asked Buck, then turned to Steve.

“We did yeah; we uh… needed the distraction. And besides, we knew you’d like this. You always said –“

“I wanted to clean this place up and make it useful and… it is.”

The once overgrown yard was now paved in the middle with slabs and pebbles, and surrounding it were beds of flowers, some in bloom, some not so much. Because it was New York and the weather was crazy, some days it snowed and others the sun split the rocks. So no, not everything was grown but Peggy could tell that in the summer it would be beautiful.

“We’ve been thinking of knocking through the wall to my place, making it one huge yard? How does that sound?” Steve asked and she nodded with a smile.

“Sounds amazing; It’s so pretty…” there was even a hammock, which made her laugh.

“I don’t know, I know you like the one you got in England.” Bucky commented, taking her back to their courting days in her mind, a simpler time, no doubt.

“I did, thank you… both … all three of you! It’s so pretty isn’t it Isabella?”

“I planted the daisies.”

“You did?!” she asked enthusiastically, making her way to the kid and letting her point out the little seeds popping up. They’d be big daisies, apparently.

From the side of her eye she caught Steve squeezing Bucky’s hand; he merely shrugged in response, as if to say ‘well, we tried’.

Her heart sank, again.

****************

The final straw from the most stressful day she’d had since landing back in the US was that night; she’d bathed Bella, and read her three stories before she drifted off to the land of nod. Peggy's anxieties rose at the thought of the next conversation, but it was one she knew she had to have. Mostly because she just wasn’t ready emotionally to share a room with anyone else, never mind one bed with two big men. No matter how much she loved them. She wasn’t ready for that. So when she walked into the dimly lit bedroom, finding Steve’s bottom poking out of the closet as he rummaged around for a t-shirt, and Bucky sitting on his side of the bed taking off his socks, she stood by the door.

“I think …” she began, and they both looked to her; Steve’s hair adorably askew now as he stood topless and confused.

And my god she’d forgotten his muscles looked like that.

“I think I ought to sleep upstairs for now.”

Bucky looked to Steve who looked at him before they both looked back to her, it was a split second but it sort of bugged her. Her temper flared, though she had no real idea why. They hadn’t done or said anything bad, hell; they’d been on eggshells all day, doing everything and anything to make her feel welcome.

Maybe that was it, maybe it was all just too much? Or maybe she was just tired.

“I don’t sleep so well anymore and …well it’s still early days you know? I want to take things… slowly like the doctor advised.”

Bucky nodded, resigned before standing.

“Of course, Peg whatever you want. But maybe Steve and I  should move up –“

“No, please I don’t want to put you out… please just… upstairs is fine.”

“I can make the room up for you; we never thought to –“Steve began looking sheepish. Because yes they didn’t think that this would be the case. She was home, and this was their room. The idea of her sleeping elsewhere wasn’t even a thought that crossed their minds.

“No, honestly; I still know where everything is, let me. You have work in the morning right?” she asked Steve, and then Bucky. Steve nodded and Bucky shrugged.

“I don’t have anything pressing, I mean there was a recruitment thing but it’s not –“

“You should go. Honestly, I … I’m back now.” She exhaled a deeper breath, “and while things aren’t exactly the same, where it’s possible? Like work, or the gym or the poker playing you thought I didn’t know about.”

Bucky chuckled at that, throwing his socks into the hamper, aiming perfectly.

“I want to wake up and make my daughter breakfast, I want to take on play dates, she wants to start ballet, I want to grocery shop, and get my nails done, and I want to start … piecing things back together where I can. So please, that means …”

“That means us getting back to normal too.” Steve admitted and she agreed.

“I’d appreciate it. And I do… really appreciate everything you’ve both done today … not just today you know that, but today – the little things like the flowers, and the dinner, and the big things like the garden. I … appreciate it very much.”  She wiped the silent tears that fell from her eyes. “I know this … has been hard on you, both of you. I do realise that I’m not blind to it.”

Bucky looked to the floor then, he looked so far away even though he was a foot at most from where she stood. Steve did that thing with his hands when he got nervous.

“I wish …” she sniffled. “I wish I could just rewind and make things okay but I can’t and for now all I can do is what I need to. I know that’s not what … is expected of me –“

“Peg no one expects anything –“Bucky interjected. “Yes, it’s hard as hell but not as hard as never seeing your face again, or knowing if you’re alive. If that means we … don’t ever get back what we had…” he looked to Steve then, and then to her. “Well then we just deal with it as it comes. We’re here, you’re here. For now… that’s all that matters.”

But it shouldn’t have been, she knew that too. She knew that their needs were just as valid as hers. That for so long the focus had been to bring her home, and now that she was there, what happened next?

But, she also knew she was broken. Broken in ways even she wasn’t so sure of, but in looking at her guys, her two men – more than most people got in a lifetime, and she had them both standing there loving her, supporting her. It gave her hope.

Maybe she could do this.                 

**************

“You really sure about this?” He had to ask, he really did because he was nervous and it really had very little to do with him. She just nodded, fixing her wig – a perfect replica now of what her hair used to look like, if a little longer; in the mirror.

“Course, it has to be done. I can’t just … disappear from their lives with no explanation. They’re my agents they’re owed at least this.” She fixed her blouse before she turned to face him, plastering a very fake smile on her face.

“Now, let’s go get Steve from the loo and be on our way.”

“He’s freaking out.”

“Mmhm,” She acknowledged before striding out of her … his office, and making her way down the empty hallway.

“Steve? It’s time.” She rattled on the door, before looking to Bucky with a sigh.

“‘k.” was the answer she got before he came out, face paler than usual, and his notes in his hands. “I was –“

“Practicing, I know.” She smiled. “Now listen, you don’t want this please … speak now or –“

“I can do the job, Peg. It’s the damn speeches I have … it just reminds me of the USO you know? Stage fright.”

Bucky would be forever bitter he missed seeing beefcake Steve in hot-pants and tights singing songs.

“Just focus on the back of the room, it’s what I’d do. Now, shall we? Evelyn is waiting.”

Both men nodded then and stood back and let her walk ahead a step down the hall and into the elevator. The halls were still empty because their New Jersey base was smaller than the SI building they had once used, before the move to Washington for majority of the agents – it had included Peggy for half the week for too long. But, given the “honour” Steve was about to accept Bucky knew that it was only a matter of time before his commute began.

He was tired just thinking about it, and he really didn’t want this, but he knew it was what Steve wanted, and if he was honest, it was what Steve needed. Steve thrived where he was useful, always had. After feeling so useless for so long, Bucky could see the pride in his eyes with everyone he trained, or helped, in big ways and small. So yes, in a lot of ways leading SHIELD was just what he needed.

It just wasn’t what their fragile family unit needed, not right then. But the world spins madly on, and Bucky knew that too. So, he followed his guy and his girl all dressed in their sharp suits and shiny shoes to the hanger where everyone was seated. 

Peggy had been back home less than a month from the hospital, and things were…. God, things were strained. But this, this was her focus now, her last mission was handing SHIELD over to trustworthy hands. So, he’d keep his mouth shut, maybe just this once. Her first few weeks home were rough, everyone including Bella needed time to adjust, and walking on eggshells was one mild way of describing the dynamic. And in truth, it was still …delicate. But today had a focus, and one he was going to fully support, if it helped her heal in any small part.

They took the stage, and there was Howard already seated, next to Evelyn Fury decked out in a well cut jacket and pants, looking every inch the Co-Director she was. Bucky had a lot of respect for the woman, but in the field, and off it, she was a good person, she had a good heart and fantastic deduction skills. She would keep Steve focused too, which was reassuring.

As Peggy took the stage the audience of agents took to their feet in thunderous applause.  It made Steve smile, it made her blush, it made Howard shift uncomfortably in his seat until he too stood and clapped as Peggy stood up to the microphone.

“Thank you for that lovely welcome, it’s so good to see all of you again.” 

A beat.

“Well, most of you.”

And with that the audience, her agents, laughed, and the ice was broken.

“You know why we’re all here today, because despite this being a espionage government agency we gossip more than the old ladies at the salon,” another laugh from them, and for a split second he was looking at his Peggy. The self-assured, reckless, powerful woman she had been, before.

“With Howard Stark stepping down to concentrate on the thriving Stark Industries, there has been rumours I’m sure as to what is to become of SHIELD, I … as you know have been absent for quite some time now, and despite the company line of ‘undercover’ ‘need to know’, ‘above your pay grade’ – things most of you have no doubt been told this past year. The truth is,” she inhaled then, Steve saw it too, glancing to Bucky with the look as to say ‘is she okay, do we need to do something?’ But Buck knew no, this was something she had to do. She was ticking it off her mental list, he knew that too.

“The truth is I was captured and taken hostage by Hydra.” She spoke so loud and so clear, and Howard shifted in his seat, Bucky noticed. “For nine months I was tortured, starved, experimented on… and was forced to do unspeakable things before I was able to find my strength and plot a successful escape.” She knew her words were as sterile as she was now, but she really wouldn’t allow herself to fall apart in front of these people. She was their leader; she would leave the stage with her reputation intact.

You could hear a pin drop in the room; it was as if everyone was holding their breaths. Or maybe it was because he noticed that Steve was holding his. Agent’s looking to their left and right as she continued on.

“Details of which I will spare you, but it was a time of life or death, a situation many an agent in the field recognises. And with these times of peril comes realisation. Mine? Mine was something that ten years ago had someone told me? I would have scoffed at them none too politely and walked off to another meeting of the minds. Now? Now I gladly, willingly allow myself to become that cliché. My moment of realisation was that as much as I loved to serve I loved my family more. And I wanted nothing more than to hold my daughter; see my husband and my family again, just one last time...”

Bucky noticed that Howard was sitting stiff still, and when he caught Bucky’s eye, forced himself to relax. Why was he so weird, all the time, Bucky mused as Peggy continued to speak, parts of which he had missed, zoning out.

“And SHIELD is nothing without you, our Agents. Most of you I brought in myself, some of you brought in by Mr Stark, all of you our family. All of your sacrifices are seen, your service is so appreciated, so on behalf of myself and Mr Stark, I say this, wholeheartedly and full of love. Thank you.”

They got to their feet then, as did everyone on the stage, before she shushed them down elegantly.

“SHIELD is a well-built ship, and I was happy to be a large part of her foundations. But now, she’s been drifting in the absence of good leadership, she’s strong and  headed for great things, but all ships need a good Captain,” she smiled then nodding to Steve who just blushed because he’s ass in love with her and still adores any compliment she gives him, “and it just so happens we know the best one. Teaming together a true leader, and one of the finest upstanding agents, and women I’ve had the pleasure of watching grow in her time here,” She added, a secret implied in her tone that actually got a few chuckles, even after her tales from hell. “So, to beat this sea metaphor to death some more, please let me introduce to you, your new Directors of SHIELD. Captain Steve Rogers and Agent Evelyn Fury.”

Hands were shook, kisses on cheeks were given and received, and a beyond stressed looking Howard Stark sweated his way back to his seat as Steve and then Evelyn gave very short but wonderfully paced speeches.  Bucky had wondered, as Steve had, what exactly had been said between Stark and Peggy that day in the hospital, because as it stood their relationship, and the relationship he had with Steve hadn’t been the same since.

“We haven’t seen you around lately, or you know, at all…” Bucky opened as Howard had made a beeline for the coffee, Steve, Peggy and Evelyn were talking with other agents, many of which were wanting to shake Peggy’s hand.

“Uh yeah been in Europe, working out some kinks for this new venture I’m thinkin’ of taking on.” He answered, vague as you like, before offering Bucky a cup of coffee, he declined.

“Oh, okay, well, I mean how’s Maria? She doing good?”

“She’s good, she’s great, she’s … well, she’s pregnant.” Howard huffed out, looking somewhat surprised at his confession.  “She’s due at the end of the year.”

Bucky beamed then, so happy for the man and his new bride; Maria was a fantastic person, one that everyone had hoped would be a positive, grounding influence on Stark. Maybe he was on the right path now. Without preamble, Bucky moved in and hugged him, “Congratulations man, that’s amazing!”

Stark looked taken aback, humbled even, and maybe a little scared.

“We’re gonna have to celebrate, lemme tell Peg and Steve huh?”

Before Bucky could move, excited for the man and his wife, Stark had him by the sleeve.

“No, please? I … it’s not that I don’t want them to know I just … don’t think it … it’s not the right time.”

“Okay… it’s okay, sorry.” Bucky backed off. Stark was a weirdo sometimes, and he guessed this would be one of those times.

“We’re going to France, for the summer, um after that back to LA. I won’t really be in New York much…” Bucky knew a brush off when he heard it, and backed up some more.

“Sounds like fun, we’re just … finding our feet again, you understand.”

Stark nodded, a little flushed now.

“I … wish… I just wish her the best, you know.” He added, gazing at Bucky’s girl, as she smiled at something Agent Francis said, the strain around her smile told Bucky though that it was almost time to leave.

“I know you do, she knows it too. Despite whatever’s happened between you too….”

The other man blanched at that.

“Yeah, I … yeah, Listen, I gotta go, but it was good to see you again, Barnes. Give Isabella a big old hug for me, yeah?” manic now, which alarmed Bucky.

“Sure… of course, I …” before he could get another word in, the shorter, smarter man was off like a rocket.

Bucky then made eye contact with Steve that asked ‘what the hell?’ to which Bucky could merely shrug ‘hell if I know’.

But he did watch Peggy, watching Howard make his exit, and the glare she gave, well it could have cut glass.

Or if Howard was unlucky, maybe his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still with these guys! Tons more to come (including happiness, I swear to actual god lol) so let's see if we can get this to 500 reviews? It would be an awesome thing for me, just sayin' selfishly lol! ;) LOVE YA <3


	48. The Stranger Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! I hope you're well, I know, I know ~it's been 84 years~ I'm terrible. But I lost the writing buzz for a while there, and frankly this chapter was a hard one to write because I wanted to give Peggy's journey the justice it deserved, but again, that was hard because Peggy be going though some serious shit right now. 
> 
> I hope you're still with this, and if you are please comment, it's massively encouraging - like - you have no idea how much! 
> 
> A *WARNING* I guess - this chapter deals with depression, angst and the after effects of what everyone has gone through. You will not like Peggy Carter in this chapter, but that's okay, because she doesn't much like herself right now either. ( But we are ending the angst v soon ;))
> 
> We WILL come out the other side of this, and I promise there is so much more to come :D

_“And this mess is so big_

_And so deep and so tall,_

_We cannot pick it up._

_There is no way at all!”_

Bella read out loud, filled with over dramatic acting and all. She and Peggy were cuddled up in bed, she had come for a visit rather early this morning, and they decided to read some stories and let Bucky (and Steve, though Isabella assumed Steve to be in his own room), some extra sleep. Dumpster Cat was tucked up in his favourite spot, the bottom of Peggy’s bed snoozing happily.

“You are so good at this, how’d you get so good?” Peggy asked her as she cuddled in closer beside her mom, all smiles.

“I don’t know; I knows it by heart too.” Isabella added matter of factly.

“Practice does make perfect.” Peggy stated cliché as it was.

“Bells?!” Came Bucky’s voice in the hallway, and a knock on Peggy’s door a moment later.

“Oh, good, there you are. I …” he looked bashful as he caught Peggy’s eye. “Couldn’t find her.”

“She’s here.” Peggy spoke, calm and polite. “We’ve been reading, rather she’s been reading to me.”

“Let me guess, Cat in the Hat again?”

“And again and again,” With a roll of her eyes, Peggy smirked and she heard their daughter giggle as she snuggled further down the bed.

“Come on now, out, breakfast is almost done kid; give your mom some peace.” Bucky announced, moving over to the bed, to dig their kid out, wiggling and giggles were all that could be heard or seen. It made Peggy laugh; she could feel her little hands at her feet.

_“I’m not here!!”_

“Oh?! ‘Cause I saw someone just like you a minute ago.”

“Nope not me, other Is-bella.”

Peggy laughed and Bucky merely sighed, patting down the bed where she was clearly in a ball.

“Oh, well that’s fine; I’ll just give the other little girl her chocolate chip pancakes then, that’ll do.”

The wriggling stopping and then in a flash there she was, hair all askew, frizz and pink cheeks.

“NO I want that!”

“OH there you are!” Bucky proclaimed reaching for her instantly, and pulling her up into his arms as she laughed. “Gosh I thought you weren’t here.”

“I was ‘tending.

“And now you’re not.”

“Nope, now I want pancakes.”

“Good, Steve made them and they’re good.” Bucky hiked her up a little higher on his hip and looked to Peggy still sitting up in bed, she didn’t miss the longing there, nor did she miss the way his eyes dipped to her loose neckline on her nightie. But she also didn’t miss how quickly he corrected himself, and for that she remained bitter. She wasn’t ready yet, they knew that, but it killed her that this was how things were now, because of her.

Her and her stupid, damaged head.

It was difficult now; she knew that, they all did. She slept alone, in the spare room a floor away from all of them; the cat decided she was the favourite though, having taken a few hours to suss her out. She kept her wig on the nights she didn’t lock her bedroom door, because she knew her daughter was a curious one, and would sometimes now pop her head in to see her mom in the mornings. But the nights she locked her door, the nights she sensed would be rough, was more to lock her in, than to lock them out.

 

Her days had passed uneventful since her return, and she found she liked the uneventful events of her days now. Morning was breakfast, experiments with eggs, and baking with Isabella during the good days, seeing her guys off to work, and the house going that little bit more silent with their absence. Most days she and Isabella would explore Brooklyn together, venture into the city more often than not; find a park, meet the other mothers, see her girl play with kids her own age and own it like the little winner she was.

Steve offered to teach her how to paint,  an offer he had made years before, but she never had time then, she had all the time in the world now.  His place, his rather underused and very silent place, she would sometimes use as an escape in the evenings if all the pills they had her on took their toll. If it was a bad day, if she wasn’t able to be around them all for such a long time, she would disappear there, and sometimes sit in his art room, focusing on nothing but the blank easel in front of her, the smell of chemicals and paints, trying to keep herself grounded to the real world as much as possible.

Other days she couldn’t get out of bed, and on those days she needed her guys the most, even if they never saw her for hours at a time. The doctors still wanted her put away, somewhere ‘safe’, somewhere very much not at home. They wouldn’t even discuss it with her half the time, instead choosing to ‘meet’ with her husband, to attempt to persuade him.

Each time he wholeheartedly told them where they could stick their ‘suggestions’.

 

Bucky and Steve were a team again, she could sense it, not just in her return – the lines on their faces were less pronounced now, Bucky had gained a little weight that did wonders for erasing that homeless look he had been sporting for a time when she had first returned. Steve had trimmed his mountain man beard, a shame Peggy thought, but he was a Director now, and had to lead by example. But he was eating better, and he slept more than Bucky, which was still a plus, since for a time, she was convinced he slept less than her, and that was saying something. She knew they had sex, not only because she could hear them – her enhancements now meant she could hear things she didn’t want to, but she was directly above them, and no matter how silent they attempted to be, she could hear them now. Part of her was glad, glad had each other, had that comfort. Another part of her was jealous as anything, hated that she was so detached, but not seeing a way of getting past where she stood.

And where she stood was still very much on the outside.

 

By mid-June she was sure she wasn’t going to make it. Everything was getting to her, every little thing.

The city and its inescapable heat were suffocating her. In fact she was pretty sure her life was suffocating her.

Steve was in Washington too much – not his fault, in fact it was her fault, but it was still an irritant, because of this, Bucky was too concerned, always with the concern with no one to rail him in. Isabella was bored, the heat leaving her restless and crabby as much as anything else. Peggy was sure her girl sensed the tensions between her father and mother too, it was all just too much for Peggy if she was being honest with herself, which most days was harder to do than others.

It wasn’t until she heard from Ana that Angie was in New York that something in her snapped. They had spoken of course, on the phone only since she had discharged herself from the hospital. She cited work and being stuck in LA as excuses as to why she hadn’t come to see her at all, and for the most part Peggy was fine with that. She knew more than anyone what it was like to have a hectic work life. Or at least, she used to.

So she thought nothing of it, until Ana, dear sweet Ana let it slip that she was there – had been there in fact for three days and would be there until the end of the week that Peggy got pissed.

So, Peggy being Peggy she did what she did best, and snooped, not that it took much, Angie was a rising star now, finally, but that also meant that people knew where she stayed, and who her new beau was. She was rapidly becoming acting royalty, but did that mean she could just treat her oldest friend like shit? No, it didn’t.

So when she showed up at Angie’s hotel room door, the look of deer-in-the-headlights was expected.

“Peggy!!” her now very blonde friend exclaimed before she launched forward and grabbed Peggy into a big old hug. Five seconds later, she stepped back tears in her eyes.

“So you _do_ remember me, then.” Peggy sassed and Angie bit her lip. What went unsaid was that Peggy was just glad to still remember her.

“Please come in!” she asked, and Peggy could swear she heard her heart beating at a rapid pace. “I’m … wasn’t expecting company.”

 _You_. She wasn’t expecting you, but it Peggy let it go.

“I decided to show up because apparently you’ve forgotten where I live.” Her friend stopped attempting to tidy clothes off her bed then and looked to Peggy.

And then she burst into tears.

_Jesus Christ, Angie._

And she kept on crying, unable to get her words out. So Peggy just sat on the bed, waiting.

“I’m sorry I’m …” and then there was mumbling. “I just…” more mumbling, Peggy sighed, moving to put her feet up.

This could take a while.

                                                           ********

“I’m just sayin’ kid I think we should rethink this whole ballet thing.”

“ _Stevie_ ,” their kid sighed as they trotted along the sidewalk on their way to her practice. She was decked out in a tutu and a little jacket; she had her ballet poms in her little backpack and was wearing her little lace up boots. Bucky managed to get her hair into a bun, which was worth watching because Bucky – for a guy that spent so much time on his own hair, could not master hers. “I wanna do it.”

“But I thought you wanted to be an artist?”

She scrunched her brows at him then as he let her skip off the sidewalk, “Why can’t I do both?”

Hm. She had a point. He sometimes forgot that her childhood wasn’t his. That there was an option for both things she loved, not just one thing because of money.

“Kids still being mean though?”

She shrugged.

“Mom says to ignore ‘em.”

“Mom’s right, and besides it’s only been a month, maybe you’ll make a friend.”

“I have a friend.”

“You do?”

“Mmhm. Her name’s Beth.”

This was all she needed to launch into a string of compliments about Beth and how funny she was and how good her stretches were. It made him smile. When they got to the building where her class would be for that hour, Steve had a few errands to run but he figured he could stick around and see how things panned out. He knew Peggy stayed, that she liked to stay; she said she found it relaxing; she usually brought a book though. Steve didn’t bring a book and after five minutes he realised he was the only man there, and it was a class of little girls.

Awkward.

“Bells… Bella?” he tried to call her back but she was busy with her little friend doing up her shoes. So Steve stood back, acknowledging the other mother’s, and how awkward things were now because he was making them awkward. He was standing there maybe another minute, which felt like a lifetime, when one of the mother’s broke off from the tiny gang by the corner and walked up to him. He was waiting to be called on being a stranger, being a pervert, to be asked to maybe leave?

“Are you Captain A… Rogers?”

It was technically Director Rogers now, but whatever.

He turned to face her and smiled; a little relieved to be recognised in this instance. It happened, every now and then, but for the most part New Yorkers were too busy being busy to bother looking at who was walking their streets, and the people of Brooklyn got used to him a long time ago. The comics, the radio shows, and the movies too, it was all almost about another person – most of the time.

He found out that the petite brunette with the green eyes was Ellen, she was Beth’s mother.

“You know kids, they tell tales, and we figured that she was making it up, that her new pal Isabella … that she knew …well … _you_.”

Steve just nodded but before he knew it, the other mothers were there, all of them smiling and asking questions to the point that when Bella looked over – a look of concern on her little face, Steve had to smile reassuring her he was fine.

_He was really not._

It was like feeding time at the zoo and he was fresh meat. He hadn’t felt that interrogated since the war.

And even then he was able to fight back, here he was powerless.

                                                           *************

“Peggy I wanted to come see you, God. I really wanted to.”

“But you didn’t.” Peggy added softly. After her crying fit she calmed herself, a little like they taught Bella to in her crib way back when. Now they were sitting on the bed side by side, her eyes and nose very red, Peggy’s probably still looking normal.

“I was … Peg you gotta understand when you were … _gone_.” She swallowed, “things … the world changed with you gone, English.” And there it was the look she had suspected she’d see. The look of a guilty woman, “Everything got turned on its head… Bucky and Steve,” she sighed wiping her nose, “they were out of their minds with worry and on mad men missions to try and find you. It … took its toll on everyone … I know that’s not an excuse, it’s nothing, NOTHING compared to what you endured, I know that.”

“How do you know that? We haven’t spoken about it because I haven’t seen you, Ang,” Peggy spoke softly and the blonde merely agreed with a sad pout.

“I’m a horrific person, Peggy, and a terrible friend and I’m so, so sorry for everything I’ve –“

“You’ve done?”

The guilty look returned.

And it clicked fully as to why she thought she’d seen guilt in her friend.

It was the same look Steve wore and she found she was right, that once again her instinct proved her right. Why he didn’t talk about her anymore, why when she called Angie Steve would make an excuse to leave, or be busy so he couldn’t talk to her too – hell even Bucky took a turn or two exchanging small talk. It was strange to Peggy, and something in her gut twisted, and in seeing Angie, she knew exactly why.

“Oh my God, Angie,” She pieced it together and didn’t take her eyes off her friend. Angie’s tears returned.

“I … am so sorry –“

“You and Steve?” Anger, hurt, it all ran through her like water, but at this stage she found she had little strength for a battle like this, one so fruitless. It had been inevitable really, all things considered. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Steve, or Angie come to that, but she of all people could understand what trauma did to a person, the feeling of utter and complete desperation to feel connected to something, or someone.

Angie went on to confess that it had just been once, that it never was planned, that they’d never do it again… all the while in floods of tears turning her face redder than a beetroot.

“Okay you need to calm the hell down,” Peggy yelled, having had enough of the hysterics that caught Angie by surprise, stopping her instantly, and reminding Peggy of Isabella mid-tantrum.

“What?”

“Go pour me a bloody drink of something stiff and come sit down, you silly mare.” Peggy added, shedding her shoes, and hopping upon the too-big-bed again.

_Deep breaths._

The minutes passed before Angie joined her shoeless on the big bed, two very large brandy’s in hand.

“Do you hate me?”

Peggy could, she could justifiably fly off the handle, get angry, get violent even, how dare she touch her man, all that stuff. But frankly, she didn’t hate her, and she couldn’t. Because she really did understand it, at least she assumed she did, and as much as she loved Steve deeply, he was a person free to make his own choices, and if he had at some point in time needed this, with how things were, she wasn’t exactly surprised. Everyone depended on him because some old men once upon a time deemed him a hero, forgetting that he was of course, just a man.

“No,” she whispered, before sipping her drink. “Look what I did when Steve died.” She huffed a laugh.

“That’s not the same thing –“

“No, it’s not, it’s worse in a lot of ways, because I loved Bucky, I ….we were a mess. And I assumed given what I came back to that they were … in bits.”

Angie nodded, going on to explain just how bad it got. It broke Peggy’s heart all over again.

“But we … it’s still wrong what we did.”

“Yes, it is, and,” Peggy sighed, “I was technically dead, all things considered. What you both did on Bucky, that’s another thing, and a thing Steve will have to come to on his own, I wasn’t around, for all intents and purposes, I _was_ dead –“

“Oh Peggy –“Angie started to cry again, her pretty eyes watering.

“Stop,” Peggy held her hand up. “No more tears, you hear me?”

Angie nodded, still pouting.

“I’m mad, sure, but I understand, do you understand that?”

Angie nodded again, before wiping her tears, sniffling.

“I’m so sorry for all you’ve went through, I prayed every night that you’d come home, I truly did, I missed you so much, Peg.” Her friend confessed. “And then when you did, I felt so darn guilty that I couldn’t be brave enough to come see you in person, such a coward I am. All you’ve been through and here you stand and I couldn’t even –“

“Be braver next time, then.” Peggy added and Angie cut to her with a hard look.

“There ain’t gon’ be no next time English, so help me god I’ll march over there myself and kill them all if they even so much as _think_ of looking at you wrong.”

The entire population of Hydra should have been scared, Peggy almost believed her.

At that Peggy took off her wig and Angie made a squeaking sound she was sure was catlike in nature.

“Oh my darling,” Angie reached out to touch her hand and surprisingly Peggy let her.

“Well, least this way I don’t have to take so long in the shower anymore.” She joked.

But not really.

It was growing back, rapidly so, a side effect she knew of what her body was doing –recovering, but she was still very much in the prison camp buzz cut fashion, and frankly that was unladylike in their current time period.

“But about what happened with Steve, Peg it would never … we were both just …it was a mess. And all I can do is assure you that he loves you – you and Bucky more than anything in the world it was just without you both he felt … I don’t know, he was losing it and I was familiar. He was familiar…”

Peggy finished off her brandy and sat back. Yeah she knew that, it was half the reason she wasn’t mad, it wasn’t just with some stranger. The other half of her was just plain scared because she didn’t care. Shouldn’t she have been furious? What did it mean?

She knew she still loved Steve, with her whole heart she loved them both, but now, it seemed like things like this were frivolous.  She knew that was wrong, her relationships used to be the most important thing in her life next to her daughter. Was she broken like she feared?

Maybe.

“I can’t get drunk anymore, did you know that?” Peggy offered instead of continued angsting over Steve. “It’s awful because now would be the time I’d like very much to blank all of this out of my head, even for a little while.”

Angie nodded, moving to top up their glasses anyway.

“Let’s give it all we’ve got though? I think we both need a good evening of getting written off.” She sighed, before mentioning work, Peggy was so glad for another topic of conversation.

“Fill’er up, and while you’re at it, tell me all about your Hollywood adventures?”

                                              *******************************

They saw Steve off again that Sunday night, he’d been staying in a hotel in Washington for the time being, and Peggy hated the thought of him up there alone, they had decided to scope out the place the next weekend, finding him and them suitable accommodations. Evelyn and her family had already moved from New York weeks before and were settling in nicely. Though, she did keep insisting Steve meet her very single and apparently very cute sister. He was putting it off for as long as possible.

“Thank you, for doing the packing…” Steve whispered as he sat next to Peggy on the bed they used to share but no more.

“My pleasure, I like packing, it’s calming.”

He smiled.

“It does nothing but frustrate me.”

“Hm that’s because you pack like Isabella. You don’t need a sweater for every day of the week, Steve, it’s summer.” She teased, and he bumped her as she tucked her feet up underneath herself.

“We miss you in here you know,” he confessed with a blush, he looked to his own feet then.

“I know…” she answered quietly. “I’m not ready –“

“We know, just …. Thought you should know if you didn’t already. It … doesn’t have to be anything you know? We’re not … it’s not a race.” He looked at her then, “we love you, and we miss just being able to get kicked in the balls by you in your sleep.”

That made her laugh out loud.

“How _are_ you coping without the bruised balls, it must be a struggle.”

He stretched then, “such a struggle, you have no idea. Getting a full night sleep with a full blanket? Jesus…” he smiled. She nudged him them and he fell backwards with ease. She followed still smiling as they just laid there looking at each other.  She reached out and stroked his soft beard, cut short now but still rather full, it made him look older – something would have to, she thought, but a lot cuddlier; or so said Bella.

“I spoke to Angie.” She confessed and his eyes went wide.

“Peg –“

“Shh, okay?” she kept on touching his face, this time her finger to his lips.

“I’m sorry… it doesn’t change it but –“he mumbled.

“Steve there’s nothing to forgive – at least from me, Bucky …”

“We’ve talked …sort of. He knows.”

That surprised her.

“And?”

“We’re moving past it. But the thing is, she wasn’t his best friend.”

Peggy shook her head at his guilty looks.

“You’re both my best friends. She’s … a friend. And frankly, maybe a few years ago I would have been livid, furious at both of you, jealous as sin,” she sighed, “but the truth of the matter is, I’ve seen real hell, Steve, and making a onetime mistake with someone who loves you – romantic love, platonic love, whatever, there are worse things you could have done.”

“I’m still sorry.” He added with conviction.

“Good. Don’t do it again. Or I may have to kick your ass.” She smiled for a second before it dropped.

“It won’t ever happen again, I love you Peggy.  I love Bucky, and I know even though shit gets rough, that’s what matters.”

She nodded, she hoped it was enough.

At that the front door shut and they heard the footsteps on the stairs, Bucky looking a little sunburned  as he came up on the bedroom, a surprised look on his face, no doubt at finding her there, in the positions they were in, still laying diagonally, looking at each other. Steve sat up as he came in though, almost guiltily.

“Hey. You’re still here.”

“Thanks, Buck.” Steve deadpanned.

“Funny.” Bucky deadpanned right back before kicking him softly on the shoe. “Whatever, Punk, I just wanted to see you off but it’s fine, It’s fine I can just –“ he was joking of course but his pout always got to Steve, so much so that he stood right up and kissed his guy on the mouth to shut him up. Steve felt it, the same discomfort around Peggy now when things got intimate, but they refused to let that stop them, because someday, hopefully soon, she’d come back to them emotionally, and physically, and they wanted to let her know that was okay. When they broke apart, they noticed that she wasn’t watching, in fact she had closed her eyes and was napping, or at least breathing softly.

“Hey Peg?” Steve whispered. And he got a mumbled ‘mmhm’ in return.

“I love you, see you on Friday.”

“Mmloveyoutoosafedriveskay?” he got a mumbled gibberish in response, but it made him smile at Bucky big and real. She was napping, napping in their bed.

Baby steps but it was something. Bucky grabbed one of Steve’s bags, before shifting the blue blanket that sat at the foot of the bed, and draping it over her body. She might not sleep for a long time, but they hoped she’d sleep peacefully.

For a change.

                                                          ***************************

The nightmares were always the same. She was always on the table, there was always pain, and sometimes the machine was in play, slowly taking her memories from her, one by one.  Her parents, her brother, her friends, Steve, Bucky, Bella, until she’d wake up in a cold sweat, her room still lit by a small lamp by the closet, to reassure her she wasn’t still in her cell. One night, mid-week, it was particularly bad, bad enough for her to leave her room and make her way to her old one, where Bucky was sleeping soundly.

Bad enough nightmares to break her own rules, the ones she put in place so she wouldn’t hurt her guys, and crawl in to bed beside her husband. He didn’t stir at first, she was still that stealth, but when he did, all he did was open the blankets and welcome her into the warm, safe space. She was tense, like a string wrapped too tight on a violin, until he put his arms around her and pulled her close, in his sleeping form he wasn’t as careful as he was when waking, and she found it comforting. She might have felt like glass, but that didn’t mean she liked being treated as such.

It was too much at first, the smells, the memories, their bed, their room, everything they had all done and said in between those four walls, it all came back to her instantly, and while it was painful, it was a walk in the park compared to her dream world of late.

They didn’t speak of it in the morning; he only smiled upon waking to see her still there.

“Did you sleep at all?”

“A little…Sorry if I –“

“You didn’t. It was … a nice surprise, nicer still waking up to see you next to me again.” He moved to brush some of her hair from her face; she struggled not to flinch at the touch.

He wanted to kiss her, to wake up like they use to, kiss and cuddle and be lazy and close, but he knew they weren’t there yet, he wondered if they would ever get there again sometimes. But he respected her journey, and it would take however long it took. But he also knew how she was feeling, sometimes he’d look at her and she’d be miles away, locked in her own head, he just wanted so desperately to pull her out, force her to look around and see where she was in the present. He knew better than anyone, that that took time. She was able to do it for him once; he only hoped he could do it for her too.

When the time came.

If it ever came.

“I should check on Isabella…” Peggy excused herself, slipping out of bed as quietly as she slipped in. Reaching for her scarf and fixing it just so on her head.

And just like that whatever moment they were having, whatever security she felt, evaporated.

                                                                       **********

Things finally came to a head in what was her worst week ever since getting back to their lives. It started innocently enough, it was the fourth of July, and thus, Steve’s birthday, Isabella was excited, there was a barbecue planned, it was homely and low-key. Except it wasn’t, not really; because the Commandos and their wives, and their kids all pounced on the house, because Peggy was under a microscope, because she’d attempted to bake a cake and fucked it up, and despite sympathetic looks from Steve - with endless reassurances that he didn’t care about the cake – she did and Isabella’s tears were something she couldn’t not see.

_And the heat. The goddamn heat._

She could live with the looks, she could live with the pitying glances, the nods, but screwing up Steve’s cake, making her kid cry, and having to be awkwardly close with her husband for show, teamed with everything else she was at the tipping point.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the night that Steve went back to Washington.

She had accidently put Isabella’s favourite teddy(gross and desperately in need of a clean,) in the wash, and she started world war three.

In the weeks since she’d come back it was no secret that she was struggling with a lot of it, mostly finding her place with Steve and Bucky again, but mostly as Isabella’s mother. It seemed whatever she needed; she’d ask anyone but Peggy.  Her endless tears over her ‘drowning teddy’ would only be comforted by Bucky, and it took hours to get her to sleep.

Stressed, Peggy sat on the edge of his – their bed – waiting for him, needing to talk to someone, as Dumpster Cat avoided the noise by snoozing in the living room.

When Bucky came through to the bedroom he just gave her his sympathy face, before opening his arms to hug her, surprising even herself, she allowed it.

“Stop stressing it, Peg, honest.”

“I feel like… I don’t know her. I don’t know how to – “

“We’ve all been there, Sweetheart, it’s okay.” He reassured and she wasn’t buying it.

“Three times in a week I’ve done something to make her sob, that’s not good Bucky.”

“She also cries when the cat won’t let her spin her around, or when a leaf she likes falls from a tree, Peggy it’s fine.”

“You and Steve don’t do this.” She added, muffled, into his chest.

“Think we haven’t?”

She pulled back and his face was just so… sweet. Open and honest and wanting, all the things she wished she could be again.  So she gave in, she gave him what he wanted – what both he and Steve wanted – intimacy with her again.  And she kissed him. Peggy was rusty and out of practice, but Bucky was far from it. Tentative at first, soft, open kisses, his hands on her hips; but then … then things got heated fast, and it wasn’t even his doing. She wanted to push herself, to force herself in to feeling – something – anything.

_God, she had missed this._

Missed the feeling of stubble on her neck, soft hot lips, and the feeling of being wanted. She had missed it, him, and them, and yet when it got down to it, she felt nothing.

As it turns out, it wasn’t Peggy’s brain, not really, but the insane medications her doctors insist she continue to take, this, she would realise, was the root holding her in place.

But not that night, not when she stopped things stopped his hands on her and pulled away from his touch, his kiss, leaving him hard and panting.

“I’m… not ready for that… I’m sorry if –“

“No, it’s –“because he was a good guy, he’d never push her, nor would Steve, it wasn’t who they were. But for a second she wished they were, she wished hard for something, anything just so she could justify the feeling of discontent in her soul. “It’s really okay, I …” he exhaled, willing himself to snap out of it. “It’s fine, do … you want to sleep here?”

And she did, so they bedded down, though Bucky didn’t touch her and it was awkward, she knew she wasn’t a good wife, not anymore, good wives didn’t do this to their husbands, right?

Maybe.

So they both faked sleep until the air in the room evened out. It wasn’t until he got up a half hour or so later, that she listened – hard not to as he took things into his own hands – quite literally – in the bathroom.

He was trying to be silent, trying very hard she could tell, but she could still hear now, and the guilt that washed through her – she knew was crazy, they had gone plenty without sex in the past, that wasn’t the basis for their relationship - nor his with Steve, nor hers with Steve either, but because her brain was so muddled, the guilt felt like it was consuming her.

So when she walked into the bathroom, causing him to stall – red shame faced and embarrassed, she said nothing, just kissed him again, and again, until the tense eased on his frame, before she reached for his dick, her lips on his neck, his grip on her nightie, wordlessly jacking him off, at a pace she remembered somehow that he liked. His breaths coming in short, aroused bursts, fanning her face, his hand still gripping her nightie, his free hand  on her cheek.

“You don’t have to do this I know that I –“

“Shh,” she whispered, before kissing him again, wishing to God she felt something other than obligation. Instead, she moved her hand quicker, gripped a little tighter, making him moan against her neck, again and again she did this until he attempted to warn her he was close – that was her point after all. To give him in some small way, something he wanted. He came all over her nightgown, apologetic and embarrassed as he did so. “It’s okay… It’s okay,” she attempted to reassure before she made a swift exit, leaving him standing there in the cold, dark bathroom . She wanted him to believe things were okay, she herself so desperately wanted to believe things were okay.

They weren’t.

                                                           *******************

She folded the last of her things into the carry bag, the big old brown leather thing she’d had since she first moved to New York. She would use that for their essentials, any bits and bobs Bella might need on their way. Looking around the living room once more, she realised she had one blouse yet to pack, hanging from the door knob.

That’s when they came back, earlier than Peggy had anticipated, but still, not a surprise. It had been two days since Peggy’s awkward encounter with Bucky, and in that time things had only managed to get more tense. They both walked in, smiling, mid-conversation and both their faces dropped as they stood in the doorway, taking in the scene in front of them. Steve dropped his bag, as they looked on.

“What’s going on?” Steve asked.

Peggy continued to grip the hanger for dear life.

“Peg?” Bucky asked, eyes darting to the luggage on the floor. Not just hers but Bella’s too.

“Issie and I … we’re leaving.”

“What do you mean, leaving, Peggy? Leaving where?” Bucky asked, looking to Steve then who looked just as clueless.

“We’re going to London, to … the house. I’m going home for a while I don’t know how long or … I don’t know.” She sighed moving to take the blouse and fold it too.

“London… London!?” Bucky all but yelled, his face was stony and his eyes hard, Steve was quietly sitting on the arm of the sofa, dejected.

“Look, I just need to do this, alright?  I … need space.”

“We –“ Bucky began, panicked, but stopped hands on hips to take a breath. “If you need space we can rent somewhere – the cape, or  -“

“I need to leave, Bucky.”

Steve’s eyes downcast as she spoke.

“Where’s Bella?” he asked.

“In her room, packing her little backpack, talking to the cat.”

“Why are you doing now? Peggy I thought we were building toward something here – you’ve been doing so well at therapy and –“ she scoffed stopping him in his tracks.

“I hate it, you know that right? All the bullshit talking, all the bullshit medication. Do you know how many pills I take a day? So they say I can stay outside, here, in misery?” she shook her head.

“If you were so unhappy you should have said something.” Steve offered, again, quiet.

“And what would that achieve? Other than more sad faces and guilt from the both of you; no thanks, Steve.”

“You … You can’t leave.” Bucky began, “We just got you back, Peg and Bella?!” he was holding back tears – of sadness or anger, she wasn’t sure. “You cannot just –“

“I can't remember my childhood, James. There’s just nothing there. Nothing; I can't remember what my mother sounded like; I can't remember my father’s eyes when he smiled … because they took that from me! Now, I'm taking Isabella home with me to ensure she’s safe, to ensure that she knows where she comes from… She's all I have left.”

Steve looked to Bucky then and he knew he felt the same gut punch at her words.

“That's not true, you have us …” Steve spoke quietly, she merely rolled her eyes.

“No.”

“Yes you've always had us, Peggy.” Bucky added with all the conviction he could find within him, as hurt as he was. “We belong together you know that.”

“Maybe once.  But that's not really true now, not if we stop kidding ourselves and speak the truth. The truth is you've always really belonged to each other and I was just … in the way.”

Steve clenched his jaw so hard Bucky worried he was going to break some teeth. Bucky on the other hand was just trying with all his might to stop the sting of tears from falling from his eyes.

“This is your home. This is HER home, we’re your family.” Bucky pleaded.

She stayed silent, finishing her packing.

“This is the place you always said Peg, that we could be safe, to be ourselves, to always just _be_. You can’t think that –“Steve attempted but was cut off abruptly.

“Look, I can't be here … with you, both of you. Not anymore, I can't stand the idea of either of you touching me, and that puts a bit of a crimp in our usual style now doesn’t it?” She all but sneered realising that being soft wasn’t going to get the job done and Bucky swore he felt his heart physically break.

“We're more than that Peggy don't you _dare_ reduce us to some sexual deviancy! We’re so much more than that.”

“Are we?” She guffawed angrily. My god her eyes were burning into his soul.

“Yes!”

“Maybe I've forgotten that too....” she added bitterly, shoving the blouse into a bag.

“Look, you both can visit when we get settled… of course, but until then please just let us be.”

Steve was the one to speak then, softly as if afraid to anger her even more.

“Peggy please? It's not safe alone right now.”

His hand on her arm and she forcefully shrugged him off, Bucky could see the flinch in Steve’s face from the rejection.

“I hardly think that’s a solid enough argument Steve, honestly. It’s _never_ safe, I should have remembered that much. You see what I _do_ remember is having two super soldiers on my six and they still failed me. I should have remembered that despite _everything_ , no matter what, you both come first to each other, and everyone else - including me – will always be an afterthought.”

Steve looked aghast.

“Nothing we say here will stop you will it?” Bucky added bitterly from the window. It was a battle they had lost because she was already out the door. “You’ve already made up your goddamn mind and your word is law right? So you just decide, and we’re meant to roll over is that it?”

She didn’t respond but she stared, blinking slowly.

“You just come and take our daughter away just like that, just because you can.”

“We aren’t leaving the planet, James.”

“You’re leaving the country, the continent Carter, with our little girl and you can’t just –“

_“I’m her mother!”_

“And I’m her father, and Steve is her father, and you can’t DO this!”

“I need some peace and I won’t find it here, not now maybe not ever. I want to connect with my child without interference. And if you want to stop me you can get a damn lawyer and do it that way. For now, we’re leaving and I’d like to do so as peacefully as possible.”

Steve merely slumped against the sofa. Bucky’s nails bit into the palms of his hands.

“Our taxi will be here in fifteen minutes. If you have anything to say to her, I suggest you say it.”

Just like that, stone cold, unfeeling and completely cut off. He saw it, it seemed like she didn’t give a damn about what they were feeling just then, and he wanted to hate her for it.

Instead he stormed off in the direction of the kid’s bedroom.

Steve followed silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review if you're reading I love to hear from you guys :D <3


	49. Falling Slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy makes necessary decisions for her sanity, risking everything in the process. But with time and space comes perspective, and not just for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi lovelies! Sorry it's been so long but my mojo up and left me and I was in a bit of a pickle with this chapter. I knew where I wanted it to end, but it was getting them all to that point. It hasn't been easy :S 
> 
> But thank you all for the lovely messages and reviews and tumblr chats, it means SO much you have no idea! I love hearing from you guys so much, so enjoy and I hope to hear from you soon xoxo

Following Bucky up the stairs was possibly the worst thing Steve could have done, because he knew by his posture that he was barely, just  _ barely  _ holding his temper. But then Bella was in her room, so excited, yammering away to the cat, and he saw Bucky force himself to smile.

“Hey kid.”

Bella looked over, and smiled, “Hi Daddy, Stevie you’re home again!” she realised before running to him and pouncing. He hoisted her up as they looked her tiny little backpack on her bed.

“Packing?”

“Mmhm, we’re going to London to see the bridge falling down.” She answered excitedly.

Steve noticed Bucky’s pained expression, so he moved with the kid to sit down on the bed.

Bucky followed.

“Listen, Bella, Stevie and I we … we can’t go with you.”

Her little face dropped a little then.

“ ‘Cause of work? Mommy said ‘cause of work.”

Bucky glared at Steve, knowing he was dying to just lose it at Peggy and yell, but he wouldn’t, he wasn’t that guy.

“Yeah Cinders, ‘cause of work, but … we’ll come visit real soon I promise.”

She sighed then.

“Okay I guess…” still she shifted to hug Steve and he hugged her back so tight it made her giggle.

“Daddy will you and Stevie look after DC?”

Dumpster Cat sometimes got shortened to DC, particularly when she was in the way.

“Course we will sweetheart, and we’re gonna call you okay? Every night until we can come visit, until you get back.”

Because she would be coming back, that was for damn sure. Neither Bucky nor Steve was willing to stand for this if Peggy dared to make it permanent. It just wasn’t an option; Bucky never gave up on his family – even when it seemed they’d given up on him.

By the time Peggy was standing in the doorway, they had her ready, her backpack zipped, Steve was holding up fine, he was suppressing everything, Bucky on the other hand could barely speak, his eyes rimmed with unshed tears.

“The car is here,” Peggy said softly, arms folded.

“Okay!” Bella exclaimed, fully unaware of what was happening as she took to running down the stairs.

“Careful!” Steve and Bucky called out, as Peggy had the sense to look slightly shamefaced now.

When they got to the hallway, the driver was already helping with the bags.

“Okay, Bells, come ‘ere.” Bucky kneeled down then, on her level and she hugged him tight, kissing him on the cheek, Peggy wanted to forget the whole thing then and there, but her insides were twisted. “I love you so much, okay? Just… know that. And be a good girl for mom okay? And if you wanna talk to us, you can call us anytime you want, okay?”

Their little girl nodded, patting his cheek.

“Why are you sad?”

Bucky forced a smile.

“I’m not sad sweetheart, just … gonna miss you is all.”

“Gonna miss you too,” She whispered, as Peggy handed out one of the bigger cases.  Isabella yanked on Steve’s shirt next, pulling him to his knees for another cuddle. 

“Love you Stevie. To the moon,” Their kid whispered with a smile, and her long curls bounced as she giggled.

“I’ll take her to the car,” Steve announced then, taking her hand as he stood, moving past Peggy without looking. It left Peggy and Bucky face to face then, both their hearts breaking in their own ways.

“We want to see her; I want … this  _ isn’t _ forever.” He spoke, broken, but adamant.

She just looked to the floor.

“I’m not stealing her away –“

Bucky scoffed, “Don’t. Just go.”

“Bucky –“she attempted, though what she’d say she had no idea. What was there left to say after what she confessed.

“ _ GO _ .” He yelled then and he saw the shock on her face, good he thought maybe she’d feel just a smidge of what he was currently feeling.

Steve had belted Bella into her seat, and stood back from the door after one final hug and kiss goodbye.

“We… we’re staying at The Connaught for a few days until the house is ready,” she added softly, he still wasn’t looking at her, not that she blamed him in the slightest. “I… I’ll make sure she calls when we get settled.” She took her leave into the car, Bella chattering away with the driver telling him all about where they were going. Steve all but slammed the door in her face, and when she finally caught sight of his face, she realised why, he was silently crying.

In all the things she had done in her life, her outburst, how she had handled this situation – out of sheer fear that they’d force her hand, lock her away, everything that was playing on her mind – she handled it in the worst way. She didn’t know if there was any coming back from it, but in the moments that followed she forced herself not to care. She had to find her way back to herself, starting with her roots before she could even consider finding her way back to them.

That’s _ if  _ they ever wanted her again after this.

*********************

Steve stood watching the car drive off, hands in his pockets, attempting to get his shit under control, because he knew one look at Bucky and he was a goner. Bucky had done the most, held everything together so strong for so long, that Steve knew this was the straw that would break his back, the last domino.

He hated being right sometimes.

Once inside Bucky lost whatever it was that was holding him up, instead choosing to slid down the door and just cry. He hadn’t seen him this distraught since Steve caught pneumonia when he was fourteen and they were sure he wasn’t going to make it through the night.

Steve didn’t say anything, knowing there was nothing to say, trying so hard to keep things together for Bucky, but failing as he slid down the door next to his guy and did the only thing he could. He held him as he cried.

And he let him cry until he all but wore himself out,  drifting to sleep on Steve’s shoulder, both their asses numb from sitting on the floor.

“It’s my fault.” He mumbled.

“Bucky no –“

“It is, has to be,” he whispered, “somethin’ about me makes it so damn easy to leave.” He sniffled. “Mom and Dad and Becks –“

“That was illness, not your fault.”

“You.”

“That was …all me.” Steve sighed, hugging him closer.

“Now Peggy and our kid, Stevie,” he closed his eyes.

“I came back, so will they, this time there is no ice involved or anything…”

Bucky looked at him then, and sighed.

“Not the time I meant.”

And the guilt creeped up and stabbed Steve in the gut once more.

“We need to get off the floor,” Steve added, nudging Bucky before standing, offering him his hands.

“I can’t be here like this, I can’t –“Steve recognised the slight panic in his voice, knew that getting out of that space would help him calm down at the very least.

“We’ll go next door, hm? We’re gonna take a nap, that’s what we’re gonna do.”

“Not tired.”

“We’ll just lay down then, come on,” yanking him up he all but directed him toward the stairs, they could go through from the third floor, “Go on through, I’ll be right behind you.”

He went slowly, but at least he was mobile.

“Jesus Christ,” Steve mumbled to himself as he looked around their now too- empty house. It was already too quiet without Isabella, too cold without Peggy.

It was her choice, as much as it killed him – what she said – how she felt- it was her choice. He didn’t want to believe that this was  _ it _ , that she was done with them and them with her, as much as his heart was breaking, he would deal with it later. All that mattered in the moments that followed was taking care of Bucky, he had taken care of everyone else for so long, never asking or expecting anything in return, Steve felt it was the least he could do. So he filled up a big old glass of cold water, and took to the stairs, took to the hidden door that took him from the place that was theirs to the place that was his. There were less memories there, less toys, less everything.

And for the first time, that was maybe a good thing.

*****************

A transatlantic flight with a toddler alone wasn’t her smartest idea, but she made a game of it none the less, eye spy, and a  _ lot  _ of books.  Many naps were had off and on, between meals. But, by the time they got to London to check in and thus fall right to sleep, Peggy had never been more relieved to see land.

Isabella was fascinated by London Bridge, lots of questions and semi fears of it falling down; her only prior knowledge was that sing-song, so she had to reassure her a few times before she was okay with it. Peggy found it adorable how open she was to new experiences, so fascinated by all around her, even though she had grown up thus far in one of the busiest cities on earth. They did tourist things for the first morning. Peggy, Bella, and their camera – Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, they even fed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square.  Peggy hadn’t realised how much she had missed home, London, more than she had realised, and getting to see her little girl run around where she used to spend time with her family warmed her somehow. Of course she instantly felt guilty, and missed her guys something awful, but it was what it was, and what it was, was necessary.  What wasn’t necessary though was how she spoke to them, how she ended things. Her heart hurt for them in ways she wasn’t sure she could really speak out loud. But, maybe soon, instead when she got the phone calls, all was asked from either Bucky or Steve was a quiet request to speak to Bella.

Every night at the same time, her heart broke a little bit more.

She had left every pill the hospital was making her take, behind her in New York, and she found that what with whatever was floating through her body now, the withdrawal wasn’t what she had expected. She figured it would be fatigue, maybe vomiting, and a lot of groggy feelings. But all it felt like was extended jet lag, which she was sure she’d had worse of over the years.

By their fifth day in the city, her head felt clearer than it had in a really long time. She didn’t need as much sleep as before either.

 

“And we’re going to the country tomorrow, mom said there are real life horses there, and! And a pond with fish in our yard! Not the park but in the garden!” their four year old gasped, excited. Peggy smiled as she folded her clothes into her suitcase, before moving to the bathroom to gather their things. Advanced hearing had its advantages – for example she heard every word spoke to her daughter, even a room away if she didn’t actively work on tuning it out, and what her kid said to her father.

“It’s nice but…  I gotta wear a dress  _ every _ time we have tea I don’t like  _ that _ part,” she whispered and it made Peggy smile. No, as a girl she hadn’t liked that part either.  But it was proper and sweet, and she wanted at least some part of her daughter to have traditions from her side of the pond.

She heard Bucky laugh and retell the story to Steve who was no doubt within arm’s reach of the phone too.  Her heart ached that neither seemed interested in talking to her, but it was her own fault after all, how she had acted, and reacted.

**********

“Okay, so we’ll go buy our wellies, and then we’ll come back and have lunch okay, and after that we’ll be on our way home.”

“To New York?!” Bella asked, holding Peggy’s hand as they walked down the busy street, at the corner of the department store where Peggy intended to stock up for their country adventure.

“No Darling, to the countryside.”

“Oh…” her little girl sighed as the entered the store. It didn’t matter; her down mood lasted all of ten minutes when Peggy let her pick out bright neon purple wellies and a matching raincoat with a big old hood.

Peggy was perusing the ladies section of the store, a little on the higher end of things for the trip planned but it did no harm in looking, when she spotted her across the rails.

_ Fuck. _

“Peggy?! Peggy is that you?”

Maria Stark, in all her heavily pregnant glory, looking every inch a Princess Grace with her blonde hair perfectly perfect, in a cap sleeved blue dress and matching shoes. She smiled big and wide, and she always had a pretty smile. The pain in Peggy’s gut reminded her how much she missed her friend.

“Oh Peggy what a surprise to see you,” Peggy smiled back, ignoring the sweat breaking out on the back of her neck, she had Bella at the side of her eye, who was bored now, sitting on the bench playing with her dolly.

“Maria, it is a surprise, I thought you and Howard summered in …”

“It’s usually the south of France these days but we’re mostly based out of London now, and I decided to stay on, a friend is getting married next week – it’s really why I’m here – finding something that fits now is just –“ she patted her perfectly round belly then, beaming. “Well, you know. Where is Isabella? Is she with Bucky?”

“N-No, Isabella, darling?” Peggy called as her daughter got up, doll in hand and wandered over the few short steps to where they stood. Peggy was sweating. The awkwardness of this run in, washing over her.

“Oh my goodness, this young lady isn’t little Isabella Barnes?!” Maria beamed, hunkering down as best she could to Bella’s level. “It’s been a little while since we’ve seen you, sweetie, you’ve grown so much!”

“Is Uncle Jarvis here too?” Bella asked without preamble.

“No honey he’s at home in Los Angeles.”

“Mom says he’s from London too,” Bella looked up to Peg then, proud of her nugget of information. Peggy smiled back, reaching for her hand.

“We’re heading out to my family’s place for a little while, New York –“

“Is a bit much,” Maria agreed, “and that heat too, we haven’t been since … well since Howard left SHIELD.”

Peggy nodded, wanting the ground to swallow her up.

“If you’re not in a rush, maybe we could get a bite to eat? I have reservations at –“

“Oh no we… really –“

“Mom… I’m hungry.” Isabella so helpfully added, yanking on her hand.

“Oh please, Peg it’s been so, so long, and I do miss our chats.” And her pretty face looked so glowing and hopeful, that Peggy had trouble resisting. And that is how they ended up walking the three streets over to a little restaurant Peggy knew to be a favourite of Howard’s. They had dined there a time or two when working in the city.

“And Mr. Jarvis was just aghast at the idea, but thankfully Ana brought him around, and as much as Howard likes to play it cool, he was rather enjoying the additions to the nursery. It’s horribly over the top of course, but that’s Howard.” She chatted as their lunch arrived, all about the baby, and danced around reality.

Until they had almost finished their lunch.

“Look Peg I’m just going to be straight with you, we miss you. I don’t understand what happened, Howard still doesn’t talk about it, or you… he’s been ignoring Steve every time he’s called, he doesn’t talk about SHIELD,” she shook her head, “I know something happened, and I know it had to do with your…” Maria looked to Bella then, who was too engrossed in her ice-cream sundae to notice, “incident.”

“Nice way of framing it.” Peggy sighed.

“I just want to know.” Her friend pleaded.

“No, trust me you don’t.”

“Peggy we’ve been there for each other through a lot.” Maria said with complete focus on looking her in the eyes, and yes, they had, and she appreciated all they had gone through – work, her pregnancy, and Isabella’s birth, she made it all easier. And yes, it hurt that now Maria was going through the start of motherhood she couldn’t be there for her in return, but too much had happened, too much concerning her husband. “I just miss our friendship; you were the only one that I was sure of. Less so now that I’ve married a Stark…” she frowned, “I don’t know who to trust,” the blonde admitted with a dejected sigh.  Peggy knew that feeling all too well. But she couldn’t do this anymore. Instead she took money from her purse as she stood up.

“Do yourself a favour, Maria. And don’t trust anyone. Everyone turns on you, eventually.” Before she hustled Bella from the table, grabbing her purse and shopping bags, and her little girl’s hand.

“Good luck with the baby.” Was all she said, before they turned and made their exit; it was a sad truth, everyone would turn on you at some point. Howard had turned on her, on Bucky and on Steve – She in turn had turned on her men too, saying such vicious, hurtful things knowing they would cut deep and dirty. If Maria was smart she wouldn’t trust anyone, maybe not even herself.

************************

By the time they’d checked out the hotel and were on the road to the house, Bella was worn out.

Peggy on the other hand felt rejuvenated. Passing by all the familiar haunts from her childhood on the way  back home awoke something in her, something that felt a little bit like determination.

They arrived shortly before sunset that day, the roads had been quiet and the trip had passed without incident, Peggy was glad she had called ahead to the groundskeeper and his wife who looked after the old place in her absence, happy to walk into a properly aired out house with the fires lit. She took the familiar road to the house and scooped the baby up and carried her inside, still sleeping.  Wrapping her in the throw that sat on the back of the couch, Peggy sighed contently. The house looked great, it was warm and welcoming and silent.  As she looked to the kitchen, checking the back door lock, she found a note on the table from Mrs Holland, the groundskeeper's wife, she had made them a stew and it was in her oven. Peggy made a mental note to pay her a visit in thanks as she checked it out and got to reheating before her little girl woke up.

“Fresh Start,” She murmured to herself, as she moved through the house, checking first if it was secure, and second if her old bedroom looked the part for her girl. They could wander into the village after, and get food for the next few days if the rain stayed away.

Although she felt the pangs of utter regret on how she had handled things with Bucky and Steve, she knew sometime soon she would have to seek their forgiveness, that stilted phone calls wouldn’t be enough. She wasn’t sure she knew how to ask for forgiveness anymore, and for intentionally breaking their hearts like she did, but it was instinctive now, she knew if she held back they would have convinced her to stay, and if she had stayed, she wasn’t sure she’d be breathing.

*********************

A week in, and Peggy felt like a different person, away from the prying eyes of SHIELD, the well-meaning but somewhat smothering presence of her men, the hustle of New York and all that it brought with it, the silence was something that resonated in her soul suddenly. Before, before everything, she found it taxing to just sit still, to hear and do nothing, but now, it was something that energised her.

But with a child, that wasn’t always possible.

Of course their first few days were filled with getting the space just so, Isabella fascinated that this was her mommy’s bedroom with some of her old toys still in the toy box, and her bed, now a touch bigger, but with still the same teddy guarding it that guarded her as a little girl.

It made Peggy’s heart swell when she saw her daughter snuggle with Rupert, her trusty childhood toy.

There was of course only so much distraction a four year old would allow. She was smart and observant, and she knew almost right away when Peggy was lying. Or at least it had felt like she had. She had Bucky’s expressions when she was deep in thought, and it twisted something in Peggy’s gut that there was so much of him in her, in the way she just was his. How much of Steve too, by nurture if not nature; she wrote like him, tilting the paper just so, drawing in broad strokes, her mouth pouted in concentration just like him, how much she loved him too, and yet Peggy had just taken her from them on a lie.

It wasn’t right, and it was something that along with everything else, Peggy struggled with daily and nightly.

The nights, they were worse than the days. The nights alone were the time when she allowed the tears to fall, and fall they did, for everything that was done to her, everything taken from her, and with the remains of what she was now, she hoped maybe something else would grow. Maybe not who she was, but maybe someone better.

 

By the eighth day there though, she should have known really, should have known they wouldn’t just let it go.

 

Three of the Howling Commando’s showed up at her doorstep with big smiles and suspicious motives.

 

Bella almost had a fit in excitement, people! Other people! The New York kid was already going stir crazy with the quiet. And three boisterous friends, complete with presents for her, was a welcome reprieve from her mother’s company.

“They didn’t ‘send us,’ Peg we wanted to come visit.” Dugan confessed as she handed them their coffee’s at the kitchen table,  Bella on his lap colouring in a blank piece of paper happily, a row of three biscuits to her left ‘her pile’ or so she said.

“Uh huh, I believe that … oh wait no. You’re all  _ terrible  _ liars.”

Falsworth smiled.

“Well, yes we must confess, while we really were in the neighbourhood – London really – we got a call and decided it’s been too long.”

“Which one was it?” Peggy asked and Gabe laughed.

“I think it was both of ‘em to be honest… Bucky was talkin’ but I swear I heard the Captain preaching in the background.”

The rest of the laughed and Peggy sighed.

“They just wanted to make sure you’re alright… he didn’t say why, or what happened but I know a domestic situation when I hear one… and I know what tempers you both got …” Dugan continued and yeah, he wasn’t wrong. “So listen, he sounded  _ real _ apologetic, so whatever he did, Peg? Surely you can forgive it?”

All three men looked at her with sad faces; it almost made her want to laugh.

“It wasn’t him, it was me. I … it’s been  _ difficult _ being back.”

They all nodded.

“Returning from war ain’t never easy, “Dugan added, “Might not have been on a battlefield for that year but you fought a war, it’ll take time.”

Peggy nodded into her tea.                              

“Maybe, I just… needed to get away. And I think … I  _ know _ in the process I said something’s….” she shook her head, shame washing over her. “It’s not him that has anything to be sorry for, it’s me.”

Gabe nodded.

“For what it’s worth, we know whatever it was he’ll forgive you.”

At that Peggy looked to the three men in front of her and something changed as they nodded at her.

“I  … it’s complicated.”

“Love always is.” Gabe admitted, sneaking a biscuit off the plate in front of him, “But it’s worth it, when it’s worth it. And … what you guys have seems to me to be pretty damn unique.”

Peggy felt herself blush.

“And to be honest they both called us all, separately. I swear those guys share a brain half the time.” Monty confessed, earning a glare from Dum Dum, “Amongst other things,” he finished with a smile.

“Point is Peg, we’re here, may as well use us.”

“Technically I’m not here,” Monty continued, they knew this he was stopping by on his way to a wedding in Wales. The train was in an hour. “But the others, use away,” He waved a hand making Gabe laugh.

“I’m fine, really. You can report that you’ve done your duty, that all is well –“

“That why it look like you haven’t slept in a month? When was the last time you had some time to yourself? Hm?” Gabe asked. “I’ve got four days before I report to SHIELD HQ in London for an assignment for Rogers, Dum-Dum’s got all the time in the world because he’s a free loading son of a –“

“Ap!” Peggy peeped, looking hard in Bella’s direction.

“ _ Mother _ .” Gabe finished with a flush in his cheeks, clearly having forgotten about her uncharacteristically quiet kid.

“Fine,” Peggy agreed, Isabella calls her dad at seven, you can even confirm how good of friends you are when she does. For now, let’s get the dinner on, hm?”

She thanked god she brought more food the day before, she knew how those men could eat.

“Dugan, you’re on potato duty.” She ordered, standing.

“Yes Ma’am.” He agreed and it made her smile.

Yeah, maybe she could use some company.

**********

Bucky opened his eyes to a barely lit room; the sun was streaming through the crack in the curtains just enough to lighten up, he’d slept on the couch again.

Accidently, again.

He checked his watch and it was just after five am, he hoped Steve was home, and was proven right when he saw the blanket draped over the top of him – Steve’s doing obviously because he hadn’t done it himself, and well, Peggy was gone. Pulling himself, and his blanket up off the couch he made his way upstairs, and sure enough Steve was curled up in a ball, in the middle of their bed, fast asleep. He shuffled in gently, nudging him just so there was room to lie down.

“Glad you came to bed,” Steve mumbled, and Bucky merely leaned in and kissed him below the ear.

“Thanks for the blanket.”

“M’pleasure…” Steve turned in then, moving to hold Bucky which Bucky welcomed taking advantage of the warmth and the snuggle; scooting in further to the heat holding on tight to his guy.

“Bella called and we talked for a long while, she’s fed up.” He sighed into Steve’s neck.

“Mmm not much to keep her occupied here half the time, not shockin’…” Steve mumbled back.

“Still haven’t talked to Peggy…  I mean really talked. Have you?”

No, he hadn’t, he had called to speak to the kid the day before on a break from a meeting, in need of a reminder of the good in the world for a few minutes, and while she yammered on about her and Dum-Dum feeding the horse, and how fat he was – the horse not Dum-Dum, no, he hadn’t properly spoken to Peggy either.

“Nope. I figure if we’re gonna do that, we should do it together.”

Bucky smirked. “Isn’t that her big problem with us?” he asked bitterly. And yeah, it had been a couple of weeks since she left, and they were all being overly petty about being the first ones to move, but as things stood the two men were still smarting from her words, and hurting from her actions. It wasn’t so easy to just forgive, no matter how much both of them yearned to see her, to fix things. Maybe things weren’t so fixable, if that was how she really felt.

“I hate that I don’t hate her.” Bucky sighed moving into at least attempt to go back to sleep, “don’t think I could ever, no matter what she said or did.”

Steve pulled him tighter, attempting to ease the tension in his body.

“Sleep Buck, we’ll figure it out, we all will.”

Steve hoped he was telling the truth.

The next week Steve finally convinced Bucky to leave New York with him, he was only due in Washington for three days that week, and he could have used the backup. Bucky was pale due to not leaving the brownstone much since Peggy and Bella left, Steve had to leave – work was work and he was the director now, not that Evelyn Fury wasn’t more than enough to run SHIELD alone, but they had agreed that it was a co-directorial job, and he felt like a failure if he let her down.

Bucky had given up field duty, unofficially as it was, when Peggy was found, no one was going to argue with him, least of all Steve. He wanted to keep his people safe, and if Bucky voluntarily decided he’d had enough, he definitely wasn’t going to argue with him. But now, now he kind of wished he had a distraction, something to take his mind of the girls, and their heads out of that far too quiet house now they were gone – again.

Taking a proper lunch hour he met Bucky at a little restaurant not far from their SHIELD base in the city, Washington was different in so many ways to New York, and for once Steve was glad for a change of scenery.

“Their wine tastes like vinegar, skip it.” Bucky offered as Steve sat down, his suit pinching after a full morning of meetings. Bucky was still pale, despite his promises of a walk around the neighbourhood in Steve’s absence. “Dugan called, said everything was fine, said she looked tired … but that the kid was happy – bored but happy.” Bucky shrugged, the sadness never fully leaving his eyes.

“That’s good; at least she didn’t turn them away…” Steve reasoned.

“Yeah, that honour is left for us I guess.” He added bitterly. The waitress appeared then and they ordered, and he politely declined the wine, in favour of a tall coke with a ton of ice.

“Aren’t you sick of hotels?” Bucky asked mid conversation, mid lunch as they bounced around topics of the day.

“Kind of, but we never um, got around to finding a place.” Steve shrugged.

“We should look, find you something more comfortable, more… “

“Less you having to book a second room,” Steve added quietly and it made Bucky smile.

“Yeah, less that, besides I took a walk around today, it’s got some nice neighbourhoods, not too far from work, you can’t keep living in …limbo during the week up here. It’s not fair to you.”

He sounded convinced, at least he was focusing on something else, Steve thought.

“Alright, let’s take Saturday, and look for something? Something nice,” Steve decided.

“Maybe somewhere with a super tiny kitchen,” Bucky added bitterly, and Steve sighed, knowing that the one thing Peggy had asked for if they were going to rent in Washington, was a big kitchen.

He cocked a brow at Bucky who just shrugged.

“Alright, I’m sorry, I’m just being a –“

“Bitch.”

Bucky laughed before rolling his eyes in agreement, yeah he was. “I’m getting dessert. What you want?”

At that Steve decided that it was time to fix whatever was going on in everyone’s minds, phone conversations with the kid were awkward because every time she asked if they wanted to speak to her mom, they said no, that they had to go, that they were busy, and it was a lie, and they hated lying to their daughter. But, they also hated what was happening, and since neither Peggy nor Bucky were stepping up to try and fix things, three weeks later? Steve decided that he was going to be the one to have to do it.

They viewed six places that day and none of them felt right, and both of them felt it and instantly knew why. Times Bucky would see a place with a nice porch – Peggy had always commented on how ‘charming’ they were, and wanted one, or they’d see one with a really small kitchen and – as much as he joked- they knew it wasn’t right. The real reason they couldn’t decide? They were meant to do this as a threesome. She always saw little details they missed, like the space of a living room or a bedroom that might not fit a bed the size needed… or just the plain fact that they both missed her so fucking much and doing this without her was like a knife to the gut.

They skipped the last two viewings, decided on drinks at the hotel bar instead.

*************

Tom was in his late thirties, if Peggy had to guess. He stood tall and proud, something rigid about him; she figured it for good old fashioned English repression at first. He also had an easy smile, and dirty blonde hair, striking green eyes and a smattering of freckles along his cheeks and nose. He also had a dog, and that was how Peggy met him. A rogue dog deciding that Bella was just the best thing ever, one day during their walks, about a half a mile from the house. He had rushed up, all apologetic and flustered as the dog – Bill – had tackled Bella to the ground with kisses. At first Peggy’s reaction was almost violent, how dare – but then she heard her daughter giggle and embrace the pet that that instinct ceased and she could do nothing but laugh, as her girl in her wellies and rain coat – now covered in mud – enjoyed herself.

He had joined them on their walks every day thereafter for a week.

After the Commando’s had departed less than a week after their arrival, Peggy was feeling a little better – a little lighter – a little easier to talk to and to talk to other people. She’d made a friend in the village too – sort of. Hannah, and her daughter Millie. She and her husband and two other children – two sons, lived on the other side of the village, and had met Peggy and Bella at the little pond down by the old mill long since shut down. They had stood and fed the ducks together for a good hour. They exchanged numbers, and Peggy prided herself on opening up to another person, a new person. Which was how she allowed Tom in, even just a little; maybe she was on a roll, maybe she was getting better? Bit by bit?

She told herself it was that and not that they didn’t  _ really  _ know her, didn’t really  _ know  _ her past or what she went through and thus didn’t look at her how Steve and Bucky did now. She didn’t see the pity, she didn’t see the pain or the delicate handling they didn’t realise they were doing. No, she was just Peggy, and she was just a woman.

“Why Bill anyway?”

“I’m sorry?”

“He’s such a playful little thing, why such a serious name for such a little fluff ball?” She asked nodding ahead of them where Isabella took him by his lead and was yammering away to him as if he understood – and maybe he did. Suddenly she remembered Elvis, her rat buddy in her cell. Closed her eyes to push those memories away; focused on the small mutt, with his black and white colouring and his fluffy fur.

“I don’t know actually, I never had a pet growing up and when I found him –“

“You found him?”

“Mmm, side of the road poor thing, and it was the first thing that came to mind.”

“That was nice of you, to rescues him like that.” Peggy mused as they continued to walk, minding the puddles.

He smiled and moved a little closer, normally not a thing Peggy would notice, but if she wasn’t wrong she felt he was going for her hand.

_ Nope. _

She moved away an inch and he seemed to realise, and smiled, before looking away.

“Sorry…”

“No it’s … fine I just… well. It’s getting dark we should get back to the house. Bella?!” Peggy called out, her girl had gone a little further than them, she looked back and Peggy waved her back.

“It’s been lovely, but I must get this one in for her bath or she’ll never sleep.”

“Even with all the walking?” he countered and Peggy just shrugged.

“She’s a New York girl, she can walk miles.” Peggy added, handing him the dog’s lead and bidding their goodbyes. If she had started to panic a little bit at his actions then maybe it was just self-preservation kicking in.

It was definitely self-preservation, as it turns out.

****************

He showed up the next afternoon with candy for Isabella and flowers for Peggy. And since it was shaping up to be a nice afternoon, they decided on tea in the garden. Any warning signs Peggy was transmitting and receiving the evening before seemed gone now, he kept his distance, and that suited her just fine, talking she could do, everything was off the table.

Despite everything, she was a married woman, very married, to two men. She didn’t want nor need a third.

“I was hoping that you’d maybe be going to the dance in town tomorrow night, it’s to raise money for the –“

“I can’t.” Peggy muttered, pouring more tea. “I don’t like to leave Bella.”

Bella looked up to where she was playing with the dog then, hearing her name maybe, or maybe she was noticing how close his chair was to her mother’s, how close his hand was to hers too. She narrowed her little eyes taking them both in before returning her affections to the dog.

He nodded.

“Of course, I just… if you maybe changed your mind and if someone could sit for her… well I’d be there is all.” He said very clipped and politely British, the blush high in his cheeks. “and I’d love to dance with you, Peggy.”

She didn’t blush, but she did think back to Steve, and to Bucky and every time they had danced with her, held her just so, her first dance with Steve back in New York, her first dance with Bucky at their wedding, the dance on the beach with Steve the year before Bella was born. She sighed. She missed them so much, and this, whatever it was, wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted friendship and it was clear now that’s not all this was to him. She stood up and excused herself aiming to go into the house to get a reprieve for a second, only he followed. She got as far as the front door when he stopped her by grabbing her arm.

Instinct told her to break his arm for touching her, but she refrained.

“Peggy I’m sorry have I upset you? I only meant to –“

“No you … no.” she smiled then, she was being insane, he was perfectly nice, and knew nothing of her past, or her present really. “I just don’t think it’s such a good idea, I am married, you know that.” And he did, they had talked about her husband, and her time away to clear her head as best as she could with a stranger. He was newly single too, so he understood, at least he said so.

“I do, and I know sometimes that no matter how much we might want it to, sometimes things just don’t work out. That may be getting away … could open a door to something else. Something new.” He was holding her arm still, and he had moved into her personal space again, she didn’t like it, but something inside her froze.  He was being charming and it was appealing, someone that she knew for sure didn’t pity her, didn’t see her as the victim she was, didn’t love her out of some muddled sense of duty… she was starting to pull away when it happened.

_ “BELLA!!” _

In the split second before she could pull back from his advances her daughter had taken the situation and a spade full of mud into her hands and whacked it in Tom’s direction. She stood then, defiant, her little arms crossed, her pout every inch her father’s pout. Part of Peggy wanted to laugh, most of her wanted to cry. Tom was livid.

“Isabella Barnes you get your little arse inside that house, up to your room right this instant!” Peggy scolded and still her daughter didn’t move as Peggy apologised to the man covered in wet mud in front of her.

“How – You REALLY should teach your child some manners!” he yelled, attempting to get the mud off his face, out of his mouth and off his shirt all at once. It wasn’t happening. Instead he sighed and stormed off, yanking the poor dog on his lead as he did so, muttering something about ill raised children.

Peggy made eye contact with her seemingly defiant daughter.

“Upstairs. Now.” She said not raising her voice. Her little girl sensed that enough of a threat that she burst into tears as she ran inside, covered in mud from her knees down.

“I hate you! I miss my daddy and my Stevie and I HATE TOM! AN’ I HATE ENLAND” she said as she took the stairs, her little boots making noise as she scurried up them, and a second later Peggy was sure it took all her might, she heard the bedroom door slam.

Less than a second after that Peggy was the one that burst into tears.

Yeah kid, me too, she thought.

As hard as she had tried to make things right, in her head, to bond with her daughter spending their days full of smiles and laughter, horses and adventures – at least to a four year old; with lots of reading of happier lands full of princesses and brave girls saving the world without repercussion – so unlike real life; but the kid was a mix of her and Bucky and she was a product of Steve Rogers’s lessons in sass, and when she put her mind to something, there was just no steering her off it.

Almost two months after they had first arrived she realised that the county no longer was a magical enchanting place where one might spot fairies, instead she woke up screaming for her daddy and her Stevie once more, and unlike the times before Peggy just wasn’t good enough substitution. It went on the entire day until Peggy was sure her nerves were at breaking point. She wanted to go home, England was dumb, she missed her daddy, and she missed Steve. Mummy didn’t read the stories like Steve did, she didn’t do the voices like Daddy … she wanted peanut butter, the American kind; she wanted her swing, her _Brooklyn_ swing.

On and on and on it went until bedtime when the nightly call to her father set her off again with the tears.

This time when she hung up Peggy took her to her own bed and attempted to soothe her, after an hour or so she eventually cried herself to sleep and while it looked like the same fate awaited Peggy. She did something she hadn’t done since they arrived.

She picked up the phone for herself and called Bucky back.

“Hello James.” She said upon his answer. He was silent for a beat she heard his sharp intake of breath. And she was almost sure he would hang up.

“Peg. You okay?”

She bit back a laugh, after everything of course that was the first words out of his mouth.

“Our daughter is stubborn.”

At that he let out a big, real, and beautiful laugh. God she ached for his laugh. She missed it, them, both of them so much.

“She really is. Bath time is a particularly frustrating time.”

“But I’m a mermaid mummy!” Peggy said with a smile, the kid never wanted out of the damn water.

It made Bucky laugh again.

“She flooded the bathroom twice in a week once, splashing around even though I had a hold of her. I learned to bathe her in clothes I didn’t mind losing to the laundry about ten minutes later.”

There was an awkward beat, but she pushed through it. She had to.

“She misses you.”

He was silent then with a sigh spoke.

“I know. I know. I miss her too,” he sighed. “I… miss you both so fucking much Peggy,” She nodded though there was no one around to see her.

“I miss you too,” she all but sobbed out, trying to get a hold of herself. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so –“

“No, it’s not – It’s not your fault it’s not.” He sighed again. “It’s not all your fault.” He concluded.

And God how she wished she believed that. Truly.

“I can’t … I can’t take back what I said… but  I am so sorry I hurt you both, I …god I am so ashamed –“

“Don’t please –“he never could stand to hear her cry, and as much as she was muffling it now, it was obvious she was and doing a piss poor job of hiding it. “Peg I just… I just –“he sighed.

“I know, I know!” She exclaimed, “but I was horrid Bucky and the things I said I didn’t mean … I wanted to just … leave and I knew –“

“We know Peggy.” He said softly, shushing her gently as she attempted to get herself together and ask, “How’s Steve?”

“God,” Bucky spoke and she could almost see him rolling his eyes. “He’s all about work; he’s been on seven missions with his team since you left. He’s hiding in work, it’s what he does. I get bitter and reclusive, he gets reckless. Not that I’m telling you this to … not to it’s not a guilt thing it’s just the truth.”

“You’re there alone?”

“I am.”

“Not working?”

“No. I figured after what happened they wouldn’t much mind if I took some more time off. Plus I’m sleeping with my boss so that helps…” He was lonely she heard it in his voice as he sniffled back his own tears. She hated the idea of him in that big old house all on his own. Much like she was, not that her four year old was much company after her bedtime, obviously.

“He’s convinced if we leave you be you’ll just show up here one day like magic. I’m a little bit more realistic.”

She swallowed hard then, blinking back more tears.

“I’m not ready to go –“

“I know that. He knows that. We get it, Peggy. Believe me.”

She went quiet then.

“Talk to me, Carter.”

“I’m sorry I fucked everything up, Bucky,” she began, and he listened, and maybe for now that was more than enough.

****

The next afternoon she had planned to go and apologise to Tom, it had been two days too long overdue for her to do so in a mannerly fashion, since now she knew how he felt about manners.  But it had rained since the sun had peaked through the clouds and frankly the walk to his house half a mile down the dirt road wasn’t something she fancied, nor did she fancy taking Bella out in the car, getting her dressed for such stormy weather just to ease a man’s temper. So she decided that they’d stay inside, and she’d make a pot of her mother’s stew from the recipe book she found cleaning out her attic, looking for the childhood memories HYDRA and Zola stole from her. Bella was curled up on the sofa, the TV on, more TV time than she’d been allowed since they’d been there, and a book on her lap. Peggy had taken time to come in and read to her when she could, otherwise she was just all about the pictures, and some of the words she recognised. Not many, not like her books she had off by memory rather than reading. But she had gotten over her tempter, and Peggy felt much better too, lighter even.

When the knock came to the door shortly after four, Peggy assumed it was one of a few people. Tom looking for his apology or Mr and Mrs Holland – they had a standing tea every Saturday since she had arrived, Peggy enjoying having people her parents age around, for Bella too. Or it was Hannah and Mille, but their play date wasn’t until the Sunday. She wiped her hands off on her towel and made her way to the front door.

Who was standing there, in the pouring rain, a sheepish look on his face, his hair wet and his eyes bright, was Steve.

Instead of speaking he stepped into the hallway, dripping wet as he was, and encased her in a hug, one she more than welcomed. Biting back a sob as she did so.

“I had to –“

“I’m glad you did,” she began as he squeezed her tighter, and she squeezed back, only breaking apart when he winced slightly.

Right, she had more power in her body now that was still a thing.

He pulled back and gave her the once over. And smiled.

“You look great, Peg.”

Her hand instantly went to her hair, grown enough now that it looked like a rather edgy do’ very pixie fairy, Bella had said.  She blushed at his compliment.

“You too,” she laughed noticing she could see right through his shirt. Jesus Christ. “Obviously.”

“The car wouldn’t lock and I … was nervous. Took me a second to work up the nerve to knock.”

That killed her; he shouldn’t ever feel like that.

“Steve I’m sorry –“

“Peg –“

“No let me say it,” he did that sad smile thing of his as she continued. “I was horrible, and mean and cruel … and I wanted to hurt you both and I did and I’m sorry I was just SO … angry. Mostly at myself and I took it out on the wrong people and I love you both so much and I ….” She took a breath. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve been through hell, Peggy.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have the right to drag you both down there with me, does it?”

He shook his head; both of them finally standing back a distance. The air was still charged between them, but the awkwardness still lived.

Their silence however was short lived, as Bella came bounding around the corner, eyes wide.

“STEVIE!!!” was all they heard before she pounced.  Steve laughed as he hoisted her up in his arms and into a hug.

“THERE SHE IS!” he said hugging her close. “My favourite short-stack.”

“Am not pancakes!” she said, muffled, still hugging him.

“Come in, please, you need to change –“

Peggy offered, and took the few milliseconds it took him to follow her into the living room to gain some kind of composure.

She felt flustered, she felt ashamed; she felt every emotion she had been squishing down, for so long. And for the first time in what felt like forever, she felt twinges of arousal.

_ That was new. _

And yet with Steve, next to love, it was the most familiar of feelings.

“I don’t mean to just show up like this,” he said eventually when Bella stopped talking his ear off, running upstairs to get the drawings she made in his absence. When he had returned from the guest room, wearing one his shirts he had left there at their last visit to the old place. His white shirt drying quickly over the heater; “I have meetings in London tonight and tomorrow, I just …  _ well… _ ”

“No, I’m glad you’re here, really.” She offered as he followed her down to the kitchen.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, leaning against the doorframe, looking around as she filled up the teapot.

“I um, I imagined this conversation so many times in my head,” she confessed taking a seat at the kitchen table, to which he followed her lead and sat across from her.  “I need you to know how sorry –“

“Stop apologising, we’re not made of glass Peg.” He smiled, and she figured maybe he was bitter and hurt, but maybe, maybe like her the reality of seeing him again squashed that.

“I know that, I also know how to hurt you … just exactly how and I did that.” She added, hoping he knew how sorry she really felt for her behaviour. “I’m not making excuses, but, since I’ve left … since I’ve left and left behind the nine million pills they had me on to control …to help….” She shook her head, “I thought it would be terrible, I thought there would be withdrawal, I thought … a lot of things would kill me, without those pills. But as it turns out –“

“You’re built like me a little more than anticipated?”

She smiled.

“Not as an impressive muscle tone though,” she joked, actually joked.  She was scaring herself a little. So she pressed on.

“It was like,” She struggled for the words really, “clouds clearing and the sun coming out. The fog … how many weather metaphors can I beat to death here?” she added, with a small self-conscious laugh, as Bella came around the door, a dozen or so drawings in her arms.

“I DID THESE!” she exclaimed and Steve took her on his lap, appropriate excited noises were made on his end, as Peggy got up to make their coffee.

Steve looked up to Peggy now and then in between scenic watercolour chat with the four year old,  he’d smile softly while sipping his coffee, then look away, interest in her art projects genuine, and hilarious. You’d think they were both strolling through the MET with how he was critiquing the drawings. All Peggy could do was sit and take it all in, just how like Steve Isabella was, just how much influence he had on her. It warmed her heart while at the same time her insides ached for the baby that never was, and never could be.

“You’re a good dad Steve,” Peggy whispered, and he looked up then, and she caught the momentary sadness reflected in his eyes that she was sure she wore in her own.

Isabella didn’t answer but she nodded before shifting al little to kiss him on the cheek. They had had many conversations her and her girl, about exactly who Steve was to her, she wasn’t satisfied with Uncle, even when she was learning to speak, he was always her Stevie, and she knew he wasn’t her Daddy, but at the grand old age of four she decided that he could be her second dad if he wanted to be. Peggy thought it very diplomatic, if he wanted to be, being her main concern.

How could she have just been so selfish to take her away from them like she had?

She knew why, she was desperate, scared, but that didn’t make it right.

“I talked to Bucky… last night actually.” At that Steve looked up, surprised.

“Oh?”

“It was um…” She just raised her brows.

“Yeah he … I … got it a little quicker than he did, he was so blinded by his idea of failing you… I saw you leaving for what it was a little sooner –“

“You can say he held a grudge Steve, I’ve known him long enough to know how his mind works,” she laughed, “but yes, it was tense, but he was a lot more forgiving than I imagined he’d be.”

Truth be told she expected him to yell, or to do something worse, like not speak at all and just hang up on her, wanting nothing to do with her ever again. She figured she’d deserve it.

“He misses you.” Steve said softly, as Bella slid from his lap, wanting now to go play with her tea set on the floor.

“I miss you both too…”

A beep went off on Steve’s watch. He was nothing if not a punctual director.

“I…” he sighed sitting up, “I need to go, but … I promised myself I wasn’t going to pressure you when I got here. I …” running a hand through his hair he looked to her and for a moment they almost communicated silently.

“I know you wouldn’t.”

“I want to.” He laughed.

“I know that too.” She smiled.

“I’m just saying… whatever it is we can … we can through it together, if we’re together.” Logical. As always, but maybe it wasn’t so cut and dry, not anymore.

Peggy nodded though as they stood, “Bells come say goodbye to Steve.”

“What? Why? Why can’t you stay?” she asked, pout in place.

“My God I forgot how much she looks like Buck when she does that,” Steve commented, shaking his head, scooping her up into his arms. “C’mon kid, I have to go but um,” he looked to Peggy then, unsure, “I’m free in a week or so I –“

“You should come back, stay a while … if you want.” Her olive branch.

He beamed.

“I’d like that a lot thank you.” He looked to Bella then and raised his brows. “I have presents in the car for you! You wanna come get ‘em?”

“YEAH!” she hollered and they took off in the direction of the front door, goofing with each other.

Peggy stood at the door and watched him give her the rather large gift bag full of God knows what, and they both beamed, then he whispered something to her which made her nod and smile before she reached up and gave him a big old hug, gift bag getting squished in the process. He walked her back to the door then.

“Look what Stevie got me!” she exclaimed running past her inside to the living room to tear open her gifts.

“Just a few things… and one of her teddy’s from home.”

Right one of her tantrums since being in England had revolved around forgetting a particular teddy bear, regardless of the fact that she had a room full.

“Thank you.”

He stood then, almost bashfully running his hand through his hair, Peggy handed him his white dress shirt which he took silently. Their fingers touched briefly, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Peggy felt electricity course through her.

“G’bye Peg.”

She took a breath before throwing caution to the wind, and trying something. She leaned up and kissed him quickly, it was almost over before it began, but he looked as shocked as she did when she pulled back.

“See you soon, I hope?”

“Yeah…” he smiled, backing away. Before touching his lips, “Yeah definitely.”

********************

“Bury it in there; pat it down. That’s it!” Peggy praised her daughter with a smile as they  both kneeled in the front garden, Peggy in jeans now with muck covered knees and a white vest top covered in splashed dirt, her hair in a high ponytail and a sunhat. Her parents never let her get dirty as a child; it was something she resented greatly. Kids weren’t designed to be proper dolls - a time and place for proper dressing but not always. They were tiny people, and tiny people liked to get stuck into everything, including gardening.

“Smooth it down, perfect see?”

Her baby beamed back at her, pushing a strand of stray dark curl from her eyes.

“It’s pretty.”

“It is pretty and you did that all on your own.”

“I did!” Planting the little trees and flowers had taken up most of the morning, but it had been the most relaxed Peggy had felt in days. Her conversation, rather, her crying sobbing mess of a conversation with Bucky had freed something inside her, and she felt a little loser, a little less ready to snap at the world. The days following had been the calmest she had since coming back from her living nightmare.

“Okay what’s next, the cherry blossom or the –“before she could finish she heard a whistle from the garden gate, and before she had time to even look up, Isabella was off like a rocket screaming.

“ _ Daddy _ !!!!”

At her daughter’s word she froze, suddenly self-conscious at her appearance. His on the other hand was as it usually was.

Unfairly attractive.

She squinted in the mid-morning light to see their daughter bolt and jump into his arms clinging to him like a little spider monkey, watching him laugh and lift her up high and settle her on his hip as she hugged him pulled at Peggy’s heartstrings like nothing else in the world.

“My God, Cinders you’ve got tall, did you get tall or did I shrink?!” he hugged her back, before she pulled back to look at him.

“No silly I’m still just me height.”

The little girl studied his face though, he looked different. He was tan, and he had let his permanent scruff grow into a short beard, his hair longer at the front than before, swooped perfectly in that annoyingly accidental way of his. His body was encased in a white t-shirt and dark pants, his duffle bag on the ground beside him.

His eyes found Peggy’s then and her heart stammered.

Even after all the time that had passed since they first fumbled their way together, he still had the ability to make her weak in the knees.

_ James Barnes and his Goddamn beauty. Still. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Dun dun dun, could this be? Steps toward happy?! *gasp* Also, Tom is shady as an umbrella in July and we'll hear more of his fate in the next chapter;) Please review if you're reading it's a motivating boost <3


	50. Tabula Rasa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the best that we can do, is to start over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER 50 Y'ALL!!! I mean yes it took us a while to get here, but 50 chapters! What is my LIFE?! Thank you all so much for sticking with this if you've done so, and commented and continued to comment, you know it makes my life and it really is so inspiring! <333333 Vaguely Beta'd because I'd made you lovely readers wait long enough so excuse the mistakes you may find!

                   

With a view of London city out his window Steve attempted to finish up his work for the night.

“Thanks for that Paul, tell Washington we’ll have the numbers by Friday, and that their report on the Beck Mission was meant to be back on my desk last week,” Steve commanded gently, with a sigh, it was well past midnight, he had sent most of the staff in the London office home hours before, but Paul his assistants - assistant pulled the short straw leaving him to message back to the states the findings of their latest set of meetings with the brass. Even Steve was tired, which was saying something.

Fury normally took over the day to day meetings, it was her field, and she excelled amazingly in it, but in the times where her family took precedent over travel, Steve of course stepped up. But he was a soldier, and being behind a desk made his feet itch.

Both literally and figuratively.

Rubbing his eyes, gone square from reading so much he looked out the large windows of their office building to the lights of London down below, and he ached. He should go back to the hotel, but part of him just wanted to drive the two hours and crawl in beside Peggy and have her hold him and stroke his hair like she used to after a particularly hard day. He laughed to himself, as much as he differed from Dumpster Cat they had a lot in common when it came to their napping preferences. Instead he reached for his phone and dialled their New York number by heart. Bucky picked up on their third ring, an obvious mouth full of food mid-chew too.

“’Lo?”

“Hey.”

“Hey you,” Bucky answered clearer now, “you good?”

“Yeah, tired, bored…but good.”

“Yeah bureaucracy; can’t stand it.” Steve heard his smile. “Well, I’m just chilling out at home, me and the cat, we’re havin’ a good time, obviously, we’re party animals.”

“You like puns, huh?”

His guy laughed, yeah he liked puns.

“Go home Steve, get into bed, and you know, jack off or something –“

“Most people just say sleep tight, _Buck_.”

“Well, yeah,” he deadpanned, “but not ‘most people’ know that you sleep the tightest post orgasm, _Steve_.”

Steve just rolled his eyes.

“I went to see Peggy.” He blurted out.

“Oh… that’s good right?” He answered awkwardly. “you know we spoke on the phone.”

“She said… she seemed … I don’t know… lighter I guess? Seemed to be a little bit more like the old Peggy. It was awkward at first, sure, but … I don’t know, I have a little more hope now than before.”

Bucky hummed.

“She… needed space.” He concluded. “I guess I was just scared of losing her again, we just got her home –“

“I think she knows that now. I also think she realises how hard we took her just blind sighting us the way she did, she seemed genuinely sorry,” Steve sighed.

“Yeah. How’s Bella? She growin’ like a weed?”

Steve smiled.

“Well, she’s a little taller, but the fresh air’s been good to her, she misses you like crazy though, told me that too. Misses the cat more, clearly. I mean the girl has her priorities.”

Bucky laughed at that, though Steve heard his sadness.

“Well, the feelings mutual.”

They were silent for a minute before Bucky continued.

“I said I’d work the Iceland Case with O’Neil next week, I … need a distraction.”

“Recon only right?”

“Yes Sir, there will be no danger, sadly. It’s boring, but it’s a chance to get away, and the Andersen’s said they’d keep the cat for the week, she likes a lot of attention,” Steve could picture them, where they usually were on the sofa, DC getting many pets.

“Good, we can meet in the middle, I’m due in Finland for a meeting –“

“That Thursday yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t sound so surprised, Stevie, I have a great memory… and you know… my heart needs to know you’re safe.” He admitted, a tad bashful.

“I love you, Buck.”

“Course you do you’re a fool for a piece of this –“and his jovial tone was back, making Steve roll his eyes.

“Okay, I’m going now. Get something proper to eat – “

“ _I_ –“

“Not just pizza, Buck I swear to God.”

At that he laughed.

“Sure thing old man, sure thing.”

“Mmhmm.”

Steve hung up and his heart stopped. Standing in the doorway of his London office was a very dishevelled looking Howard Stark.

“Jesus Christ, Howard.”

“Hey Steve.”

Steve stood then; a tad weary of just how the man got in, but more's the point, why he was there in the first place.

“It’s been a while, man, how are you.”

Howard laughed, a little manic, he was clearly drunk.

“I’m … I’m … I had a pass … for the door.”

“I know it’s … it’s fine…” Steve added, walking toward the inebriated man, guiding him gently to the chair. “What are you doing here, Howard?”

“I … had to see you. I had to … just …” the man shrugged. “Steve, I need to say it. I need to tell you how sorry I am. For all of it. All of it I … I’m…”

“For what, Howard?” Steve was confused, but his former friend, a man he hadn’t seen in months was crying silently, and when Steve touched his shoulder he sobbed and moved to hug him. Steve obliged, because it was the natural thing to do, seeing a friend in distress. But his confusion, and frankly his suspicion got the better of him. Howard Stark didn’t show emotion, not even shit faced at midnight, and not in such a desperate manner.

He panicked then.

“Is it Maria? Is she okay? God… Howard is the baby o –“

His heart was beating so fast, his own pain and lost still at the forefront of his mind, and the idea that Howard might have to endure anything similar…

“No,” Stark sniffled pulling back, “she’s fine. I mean, she’s good, she hates me Steve…. Everyone hates me. Maria, Peggy… you …”

“I don’t hate you Howard, come on, don’t be stupid. We just haven’t hung out in a while since you up and left us in the muck,” he ripped, hoping to lighten the mood. He couldn’t.

Stark continued to cry.

“You should, I’m … it’s all my fault, all of it.” He sniffled, attempting to get himself under control.

“Howard, come sit down okay?” Steve pacified, leading  the broken man to the couch. “What’s your fault?”

“I hurt her …”

“Now come now, we both know that’s not true. Sure, you married up, but that was always gonna be the case.” Steve attempted to tease, unsteady in seeing such a cocksure man lose the run of himself.

The other man took several deep breaths, before he nodded.

“I’m sorry Steve, I didn’t mean to just …” Howard shrugged, sniffling. “I didn’t mean to just act like a mook.” He rolled his eyes at himself, attempting to pull himself together and smiling.

“I just wanted to see you, to … say hello while we’re both in London.” The without Bucky and Peggy went unsaid. Steve nodded.

“I’d offer you a drink but I think you’ve had – “

“Yeah no I’m good.” He pushed his hair back. As he took a seat on the sofa, Mr Jarvis appeared at the door looking pale.

“Sir… Captain – I mean Director Rogers.” The man flustered.

“Mr Jarvis, how many times, it’s _Steve_.”

He smiled as Steve shook his hand.

“Apologies, I’ve come to retrieve you sir,” he spoke to Howard. “Mrs Stark wishes to speak with you.” Steve knew he was missing something, everything was making the hair on his neck stand on edge. Something was off with them and he couldn’t figure out what.

The two men bid their goodbyes, Howard – the untouchable – even with a hug and they left his office as confusingly as they entered. Steve figured it was maybe because he was so tired, so very tired, that maybe he was just reading too much into things…

But then no… because he still felt off. Howard hadn’t been seen or heard from since he left SHIELD, all plans never came to fruition, phone calls went unanswered.  To show up tearful and drunk was unlike Howard – well, tearful anyway, Steve wagered he was drunk a lot of the time in life, but never like this. And to see Mr Jarvis so out of sorts, it set Steve on edge.

Lifting his phone, he dialled for Paul, assuming he had gone home but hoping not.

Luckily the other man was still there, though Steve felt pity for the hour that was in it.

“The man that was just here – “

“Sir, he had clearance I – “

“No, no it’s fine, but do you have a log of where his key card accessed, other than our floor?”

“Uh, no… not on hand but I can get it.”

“Will you? And then you can go home,” Steve fully intended to give the young man the next day off, he was his assistant’s assistant and this late hour wasn’t in the job description. When he returned with the log, Steve’s realised his gut was right.

Why had Howard accessed their file room for twenty minutes?

****

It had been a week since seeing Steve, and she was feeling rejuvenated – she was talking more with them now, and Bella was sleeping better, hell, she was even sleeping better. She hadn’t however run into Tom and knowing that their last encounter had been a rude one, her need to smooth things over niggled at her. So, feeling safe enough to leave Bella in the care of Mrs Holland – a woman she was surprised she had enjoyed spending time with, reminiscing about their time in the house with her parents – memories – some she remembered, some she pretended she did – she took a drive to make her apologies to Tom, to move on, and continue her positive streak.

Except it was anything but positive.

Pulling up in the road in front of the house she knew instantly that something was off… the dog was tied up outside for one thing – soaking wet and looking miserable, the lights were off in all the rooms except the top floor… something felt wrong. Peggy realised that since her change, her senses were different, not just sight and smell and hearing but inside, it was if her instinct enhanced too. So, at the risk of proving herself an asshole, she didn’t knock, instead she let herself in through the backdoor, foregoing any lights. The house seemed normal enough, there was half eaten toast on the kitchen counter, he’d left the milk out, the living room full of papers… books, it seemed normal to the naked eye – except her gut was screaming no.

She quietly made her way to the staircase and that’s when she heard it. The rapid and angry German as she ascended the staircase, the hair standing on the back of her neck as she found she understood every word.

Mission. Infiltration. Timeline. Child.

Executed. Retrieval. Drop off. Package.

She was the package. Tom was Hydra.

She took a silent deep breath and took the remaining stairs two at a time until she faced him in the attic room, standing as he was on a phone, a stunned look on his face as she put her hand on the button, knocking it off.

“So, who sent you then? Hm? What head of the devil spawn decided that sending a spy to find and retrieve me was a good idea then?”

His mouth agape, he was still holding the phone – he attempted foolishly to lash out first – the first of many mistakes he’d make that night.

Instead she just snapped his wrist – the crack making her cringe as he sank to his knees.

“Who? Who took over from Zola in the world’s most unappealing job?”

“You are to be brought in – you belong to us.” His clipped English accent now changed, there was a tinge of German there clear as day.

Peggy smiled, daintily putting the phone receiver back in its place, before kicking Tom in the teeth. The phone went off with a shrill ring, and looked to him.

“Pick it up and tell them you need to go, explain nothing. Hang up.”

He did just that, surprisingly without gargling too much blood. The second he hung up she drop kicked him, but he stood up no longer stunned.

“You belong to us. You will come quietly.”

“Darling, I’ve never come quietly in my life, ask my husband.” She added before throwing a punch, shocking herself when it landed and knocked him back several steps, stunning him too it seemed.

He smiled bloody teeth.

“I had wondered what all the fuss was about, when I met you, you seemed just like any other woman, but now – now I see why they want you back so badly. You’re their secret weapon aren’t you?”

“They set you to retrieve me and didn’t tell you why? Hm, seems like you aren’t very high on the food chain there, Tom... Tom isn’t your real name is it?” she sighed.

In a second he produced a knife, from where she wasn’t sure, but when he lunged at her something in her snapped. This wasn’t happening again; they weren’t going to take her again.

“You said you wanted to see what all the fuss was about, let me show you.” She whispered as she took him on, punch for punch, throw for throw, and in less than two minutes she had him disarmed, though he tried to knock her out with a vase to the head – something yes normally would have – but not now.

Instead, it left her with an opening, one she used to slide her hand to her thigh. The _Original_ Bella in her original place. The blade she just recently started to carry again, trusty and necessary as she slit his throat looking him in the eye as his life drained from his body. Dropping him to the ground, she took a breath, she wasn’t winded she wasn’t tired, she hadn’t even broken a sweat. Her dress was in ruins, bloody and ripped, her hair was askew, a few scrapes here and there but she had gotten worse gardening.

It should have felt like she just killed a man, but it didn’t. it didn’t feel much like anything.

Ignoring him, she looked around, the books, the papers – code – code she found she could read perfectly all direct orders from on high, orders to ‘reclaim the asset’. She almost laughed.

_Not happening._

She gathered what she could, moved the files, moved the boxes to her car five at a time until she was satisfied she had what she could research through. On her second last trip back to the house she unclipped the dog from the gate of the garden, his tail wagging at her attentions, he was soaking wet and dirty – tired and hungry and she knew the feeling, instead of letting him roam free she scooped him up and put him in the car, before returning one last time to the house.

One thing from childhood Peggy did recall in those moments was a fight between her and her brother one Christmas, it ended up with Peggy accidentally setting fire to the Christmas tree and causing a havoc, her father had said she was a natural fire starter because no one could figure how it happened… least of all thirteen-year-old her. So, as she watched the house with the dead Hydra agent inside go up in roaring flames she thought maybe it was just a gift. It would have burnt to the ground by the time the fire brigade got there. She, the files, and Bella’s new dog would be long gone.

She’d get home, find that Mrs Holland watching TV on the sofa.

“Hello dear, oh …” she noted the wet and bedraggled look of Peggy and the puppy under her arm.

“It… the car broke down heading out of town I had to push it back for about a mile. And I found a stray.” She lied terribly.

The older woman took her in, a sad look on her face.

“How – “

“It was nothing I couldn’t handle.” And that was the truth. That house, the man inside it, any others that might come her way. She could handle them all, with her wits, and the weapons arsenal in her basement, she could handle whatever they threw at her.

“Oh my, Peggy let me put the kettle on, go get yourself cleaned up.”

“No, really it’s late I didn’t mean to keep you here this late – please let me cook dinner for you and Mr Holland this week as thanks.”

The older woman smiled.

“Darling girl, march up those stairs and get yourself cleaned up – that rain – you’ll catch your death.” She added walking over and taking the stray from her and hugging him close. “I’ll fill the sink for this young man, and make us a nice cuppa.”

Peggy, momentarily was caught off guard, thinking back helplessly to her mother in the same house, the same warm but stern tone, and for a moment her heart ached.

“Yes Ma’am.” She muttered, making Mrs Holland smile.

Maybe she could start allowing this, allowing the people around her to take care of her, she didn’t have to do everything. She only had to do her best. And for now, that was enough. That night she would crawl into bed beside her little girl and snuggle her, as their new dog – a dog Bella had wanted for a long time, snoozed at their feet.

She could handle this. She could handle it all.

                       ********************

“Bury it in there; pat it down. That’s it!” Peggy praised her daughter with a smile as they  both kneeled in the front garden, Peggy in jeans now with muck covered knees and a white vest top covered in splashed dirt, her hair in a high ponytail and a sunhat – Isabella was similarly kitted out, only little welly boots adorned her tiny feet, and Peggy secretly loved them. Her parents never let her get dirty as a child; it was something she resented greatly. Kids weren’t designed to be proper dolls. They were tiny people, and tiny people liked to get stuck in to everything, including gardening.

“Smooth it down, perfect see?”

Her baby beamed back at her, pushing a strand of stray dark curl from her eyes.

“It’s pretty.”

“It is pretty and you did that all on your own.”

“I did!” Planting the little trees and flowers had taken up most of the morning, but it had been the most relaxed Peggy had felt in days. Her conversation, rather, her crying sobbing mess of a conversation with Bucky had freed something inside her, and she felt a little looser, a little less ready to snap at the world. The days following had been the calmest she had since coming back from her living nightmare.

“Okay what’s next, the cherry blossom or the –“before she could finish she heard a whistle from the garden gate, and before she had time to even look up, Bella was off like a rocket screaming.

“Daddy!!!!”

At her daughter’s word she froze, suddenly self-conscious at her appearance. His on the other hand was as it usually was.

Unfairly attractive.

She squinted in the mid-morning light to see their daughter bolt and jump into his arms clinging to him like a little spider monkey, watching him laugh and lift her up high and settle her on his hip as she hugged him pulled at Peggy’s heartstrings like nothing else in the world.

“My God, Cinders you’ve got tall, did you get tall or did I shrink?!” he hugged her back tight with a big smile on his face, before she pulled back to look at him.

“No silly I’m still just me height.”

The little girl studied his face though, he looked different. He was tan, and he had let his permanent scruff grow, his hair longer now at the front than before, swooped perfectly in that annoyingly accidental way of his. His body was encased in a white t-shirt and dark pants, his duffle bag on the ground beside him.

His eyes found Peggy’s then and her heart stammered.

Even after all the time that had passed since they first fumbled their way together, he still had the ability to make her weak in the knees.

_James Barnes and his Goddamn beauty._

                                               ***********************************

“You look different…” the little girl commented, petting the beard.

“Yeah? Well so do you! What happened, they run outta water in England?” he said bopping her nose, that was of course covered in mud as they came up to where Peggy stood seemingly frozen, tiny spade in hand.

“Peg.” He said with a careful nod, taking her in slowly.

She only shivered because of the breeze.

Or so she told herself.

“Bucky, you’re _here_ … I – “

“You said it was okay.” He answered quickly.

They both knew they had an audience so chose their words carefully.

“No of course it is, besides, your daughter has just been _dying_ to see you – “Peggy forced with a cheerful voice and smile.

“Daddy! I have a _horse_ , a real one, his name is Chunky, you know like the peanut butter? Did you bring me peanut butter? You said you would. Is Stevie coming? Did you bring me presents?”

“ _Holy_ – “Bucky said putting her down, but she grabbed his hand right away, she wasn’t letting go. “Okay kid, first of all take a breath okay?”

She nodded but smiled.

“Secondly, there _are_ presents in my bag but they’re for after you eat okay?”

She pouted, it no doubt meant candy, and she no doubt knew that.

“Okay tell you what, let’s get you inside and get washed up and then we can get Daddy settled in okay?” Peggy offered and she finally let go of his hand. Running inside, her little legs clumping along the cement steps up into the house. She had her own stepping stool to the sink so Peggy knew she was fine to wash her hands by herself. She was glad of the few seconds alone with Bucky too.

“The horse’s name was Charles, but apparently he's fat and our daughter is opinionated about fat horses...and he’s not really hers it’s a long story they’re just stabled here on weekends…'

Bucky just laughed rolling his eyes, because of course.

“The countryside suits you, Peggy.” He commented as they too took the path to the house, slower than their daughter and with much less gusto.

“Ha, yeah I um … when you said you were coming I hadn’t expected two days later.” She wiped the back of her hand to her hair, which she was sure was frizzing out of control and she was makeup free and covered in dirt, God she was a mess.

“It woulda been the next day but flights and stuff you know?”

Her heart stammered again at that, at his urgency.

“Steve sends his love, he said he’ll call tonight your time but he’s in Sweden, something about a map.”

“How is he?”

“Due home in a couple of days or so, I’ve demanded he take a week off at the very least. He hasn’t stopped – not since … well. He’s been burning the oil at every end.

“He hasn’t stopped.”

“No, he hasn’t. But that’s Steve, never did know when enough was enough.” He sighed as they entered the kitchen, Peggy moving swiftly to fill the teapot, maybe root something for sandwiches.

“I …” she turned and he was right there, standing, leaning against the cupboards as easy a presence as he always had. “You’re bound to be exhausted – “

“I’ve travelled longer… it’s alright, I … I’m feeling good.”

She nodded, and took in his appearance again. His hair was longer now, he could tuck it behind his ears, his stubble was thicker but well kept. He looked tan – he looked good.

She was still very aware she was in her gardening clothes and covered in mud.

“DAD come see OREO!”  they heard their daughter holler, as Peggy sighed. They had talked about the yelling.

“Who the hell is Oreo?”

Peggy just smiled.

“Our new dog.”

With wide but accepting eyes Bucky laughed.

“Oh of course, because why not…”

               *****

She paced in her room and then in the hallway, getting closer but chickening out. How did she approach this? When she would think back on how they had left things last time they had seen each other, she had wanted to slap herself silly for letting her pain manifest itself in such a way. But then again, realising that she had little to no control over how it chose to do so. It was a struggle. As was the notion of walking into that room. Dinner had been nice, awkward but nice, she’d heard all about New York in her absence, the scandal, the gossip, and all the inter-SHIELD dating too which made her smile. Bucky really was a gossip monger.  But, she had done the dishes as he gave Bella her bath, a loud and hilarious game of sinking battleships and rubber duckies was heard from the kitchen. Oreo, the new dog was fascinated by Bucky – though Peggy could see his hesitation at another man – a hesitation he never had with Peggy or with Bella… he took to Bucky and his tactile ways quickly.

Finally, she found a second wind of courage and tapped on the door. He was still awake, there was light under the gap in the door. But she was still almost shaking with nerves. This was her husband and she was as nervous as if she’d just met him.

“I … I’m sorry I was just… do you have enough blankets?” It was lame she knew it but forged ahead.

“Really?” he asked incredulous, sitting upright where he was reading a book.

“Ugh, no, I was pacing out there.”

“I know. There is a squeaky floorboard.” He grinned, putting down the book then, and she hated how lovely he looked in the soft light of the room in his white undershirt exposing the little freckles on his arms.

She rolled her eyes at herself before turning to leave.

“I should go, sorry for you know –“

“Peggy?”

“Mm?” She turned, feeling herself flush. She was such a bloody idiot.

“Why were you pacing?” He asked gently.

“I …” she huffed a breath before giving up and walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I wanted to come in here but wasn’t sure that you’d – “

She’d need to tell him about the Hydra Agent, but the mood between them had been delicate at most, and it wasn’t the time. Yet.

“I want you, here, there, anywhere, just to get _that_ out of the way.” He smiled and God he was a devastatingly handsome that man, still.

“I meant what I said on the phone, I … missed you. I missed you both, and I know it was my fault that I did this to us, and I just… and I didn’t want to admit how much until Steve showed up and reminded me what I was missing.”

“He show you how _exactly_?” he cocked a brow and she just rolled her eyes, before slapping him on the blanket covered leg.

“We kissed.”

“ _Saucy_.” He added in his awful fake English accent, before smiling. “We don’t have to … do anything at all like that, if you’re not ready. I’m… it’s so fine.” He held his hands up, “but in the spirit of this honesty, I do really miss just … sleeping beside you.”

And that was how for the first time in months she crawled into bed with her husband, she let him cuddle her close, and she held on tight inhaling his smell that made her heart pitter pat, the urge to run not so strong. She happily slept against his heartbeat and it was one of the best night’s sleep she could recall.

Why had she run from this?

****

Walking up to the house, Steve’s heart was beating so fast he was sure he was back in the day all of a sudden, on the verge of an attack of some kind. But no, it was sheer anger and pain pumping through his veins. He stood waiting for someone to answer, they didn’t not for a good ten minutes. But he knew they were home. Cars in the driveway, smoke from the chimney. So he did what he had to, he walked to the back fence, hopped it, and walked in through the back door. He got through the kitchen of Howard’s London Townhouse, no sounds but the ticking clocks until he got to the hallway up stairs by what he assumed was Howard’s office. There was Mr Jarvis looking stunned and a little afraid.

“It’s rude to leave a door unanswered, Mr Jarvis.”

“Sir – “

“I need to talk to your boss – “

“Mr … Captain Rogers… Please.” He could see the anger on Steve’s face, he knew that much, and Steve found he cared very little. The older man stood in front of the doorway. Steve smirked, because fucking really?

“Jarvis. Move.”

“Steve.” He called him for the first time. “I beg you not to hurt him.”

“So you know too… How can you stand there and – “

“With great and serious difficulty I assure you, Sir.” The man looked pained, and yeah maybe he was saddened and angry too, but he had a job and he was doing it – maybe against his better judgement, as it stood Steve didn’t give a shit.

“I won’t hurt him.” He assumed Jarvis, and even the other man looked sceptical before he pushed past. He walked into the office, Jarvis behind him to see a stunned and haggard looking Howard behind a desk, standing to greet him.

“It’s alright, Jarvis, let him in.”

“Sir– “The other man protested but was dismissed again. When he left, he closed the door, leaving Steve facing the man who had lied to him, a man he had thought of as a friend who was in fact a dirty liar.

“I should kill you. Right here. Right now, I should end you.”

Howard clenched his jaw.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

“You …” It took a lot to get Steve’s temper under control. But he managed. “Knew.”

He saw the shame in the other man’s eyes with just those two words.

“I saw the files you accessed, I saw the dates and I saw the locations, the meetings, they were all with him, but then he went MIA didn’t he and that’s when you were up shit creek… that’s when you decided it was okay to sacrifice – “

“I never meant to hurt her!”

“No, you just meant to let him finish what he started on Bucky, didn’t you, you spineless, heartless asshole.” Steve shoved him hard, and a hard shove from Steve left Howard on the floor shocked. “You were willing to sacrifice a good and decent man; the man I love for what? The serum? You couldn’t figure it out from my blood so you figured, let him finish what he started…” Steve was shaking he was so angry. “Get up.”

Shakily he stood, tears in his eyes. The man that he had once called a friend.

“You stay away from me; you stay away from my family or I swear to God it won’t be Bucky you need to worry about finishing you.”

Once he was out the door it took all his energy to walk steadily to the car without throwing up, though he desperately wanted to. He needed to see her, he needed his people so badly he almost ached for it. The reassuring touch, just to know that they were safe. That’s what he craved.

                                               ****

Bucky woke up with the sun like always. The birds were loud in England, particularly the ones that lived in the old oak outside the guest bedroom window. His tiny surge of annoyance was soon evaporated however when he realised she was still in his arms, this time happily so – snuggling him with one leg wrapped around his. He smiled before taking in the scent of her hair.

My god he missed her, he thought.

Glancing at the clock he attempted to move, but she had him at a grip and frankly it was a too tempting one. Before he knew what was happening though she was kissing him softly. A thing he would nor could never refuse.

Pulling back with a soft sleepy smile on her face, Bucky was transported to when this was new to them the first time around, and how utterly simple things had been back then. He moved in and kissed her again quickly.

“Morning.” She whispered.

“Good morning.”  He added and they both just looked at each other in realisation that they had made out.

“Sorry if that wasn’t – “

“Peggy please stop apologising. You’re my wife, you don’t have to be sorry for wanting to kiss me.”

She blushed then and he reached up to touch her cheek.

“Bella doesn’t get up ‘til eight – “she began but somewhere along the way lost the nerve to proposition him like she wanted and in all honesty Bucky panicked at the thought of igniting anything more intimate than a kiss. After what happened between them before she left, he felt justified in his fear. Instead of saying it outright though, he merely pulled away, breaking eye contact with that hopeful lust he saw in hers. Breaking his own heart in the process too, because truth was, he missed her not just in close proximity as his wife, as _their_ Peggy, but sexually too, he loved making love to her and was sure that would never change – but the time wasn’t right yet.

“I should get a start on breakfast, maybe let the dog out.” He moved awkwardly and pushed the covers off. And he saw from the corner of his eye that she shrunk back on the pillow, biting her lip self-consciously.

“Okay…” she added moving out of the bed herself, fidgeting with her nightgown. God, he felt like an asshole.

“Look Peg, it’s not that I don’t want to – “

“Because you said you did – “

“I do!” He was really panicking. “I just think … I think we need time to just …adjust.”

She raised her brows.

He stood his ground and told the truth.

“I need time. Okay?”

At that she softened, her hurt face more neutral.

“Oh.” She said, sitting back down on the bed. He took the opportunity to come and sit next to her, taking her hand in his.

“I want us … all three of us to get back … or … not back we can’t go back but to go forward,” he stammered out, before taking a breath. “But as much as I want you – and I do, God, Peg… You know I do.” He swallowed as she nodded. “It’s not that, it’s just I – “

“After the last time we were… intimate,” she blushed again, “I don’t blame you, that is some seriously trauma inducing – “

“Peggy – “

“I treated you like … it was sterile of me, and I was angry and confused and so focused on how it was inside my brain that I gave little thought as to how it was inside yours.” She confessed. “I’ve had a lot of time to think on my own this past couple of months Bucky, and I was selfish.”

“You went through hell, I don’t think you were being selfish Peggy I think you were healing the only way you knew how.” He spoke strong and confident then and squeezed her hand, it was amazing that something so simple could make her feel a million times better.

She nodded then, moving in to kiss his cheek.

“Alright, no rush.” She smiled. “But, I am making pancakes, so you go and get Oreo before he pees the carpet …again.” She sighed moving to stand up before he yanked her back softly and kissed her.

“We’re good right?” he asked.

“Of course we are, I want you for more than just your body, Barnes,” she winked before escaping his grasp.

“Though it’s not half bad either!” she called out from outside the bedroom door making him laugh.

                                                           *******

They had been walking for maybe ten minutes, just talking small talk and watching Bella lead the dog happily in front of them. They had gotten a good day, the sun was shining and though it was summer Bucky knew enough to know by now in England that was rare. Even in August.

So they were going to have a picnic, in a spot that Bella loved about a mile from the house across two fields. It warmed Bucky’s heart to see his little girl be the fearless explorer she was, in her muddy boots and pigtails.

Walking and talking at ease his heart skipped when her hand slipped in to his, it felt right, it felt natural again, and he silently thanked God that whatever unease that had existed between them in New York seemed to have faded. Though he worried that his soft rejection of her sexually might have lingered, but no, she accepted that he needed time, and it took a weight off of both of them that he wasn’t even aware he had been holding on to. Now, as it stood, they were a little more like how it had been before, playful, sarcastic and close.

If he was a more poetic man he’d say he could almost feel his soul knitting back together being near her, all he needed for it to be complete would be to have Steve by his side too. But he knew that would come soon enough, a phone call to Steve was all it took when he landed in England with a suggestion that the gang should really get back together. It had made Steve laugh if nothing else, and Bucky hoped he would take some time from his insane work schedule and take the not so subtle hint.

                                                           *****************

Waking up the next morning was something of a chore, he was just too comfortable, with Peggy by his side, and Oreo the dog – once forbidden for jumping on the furniture, now asleep at his feet. He would deny it if asked, but he had a soft spot for strays. When he woke up though he found Peggy watching him, a curious look on her face.

“What? I got somethin’ on my face?”

She smiled.

“No, just thinking … thinking back to how this all began actually.”

“Ah yes, my horrible attempts at flirting, those were dark times.”

She smiled again batting his arm, before shifting to lay next to him as they both looked at each other.

“I have something to tell you, and I need you to be calm when I do.”

“That’s not a very calm sentence, Peg…” the hairs on the back of his neck stood on edge at her face then. This was serious.

“There was a man…” she sighed and his heart jumped. “I… befriended here for a time.”

He furrowed his brows at her and she got his meaning.

“Just friends… we talked, we would run into each other on our walks… that sort of thing. It was … company I was after in any form really – someone to talk to that didn’t look at me … didn’t look at me like a victim.” She swallowed and continued. “Long story short, he wasn’t what he seemed, I went to his place a week ago… to apologise for … Bella she had spattered him by accident and it … I wanted to apologise,” she rolled her eyes as she moved again this time to sit up, he did the same, sensing her tone. “He was Hydra.”

Bucky went tense.

“Peg – “

“He was sent … to track me down to … to watch me. To _retrieve_ me.”

The urge to rip someone’s head off was strong within Bucky.

“I took care of him, and then I burned the house to ash.” She added her tone sombre and heavy. “I murdered him, Bucky.” A tear escaped her eye then before she hastily wiped it away.

“He was sent to kill you, Peggy – it was self-defence.”

“Self-defence isn’t meant to feel like relief.”

“It is after what they did to you.” He struggled to keep his tone level. Instead he moved to pull her into an embrace, thankful that she allowed it. He wasn’t sure if it was more for her or himself.

“Did the police – “

“They came asking questions but … I’m a very good liar.” She admitted pulling back, her tears now shed. “They left and never came back, said it was arson, but that it was routine…”

He nodded, good, at least that was something.

“Fuck him then, I hope he rots in hell with the rest of them.”

She half smiled before sniffling.

“I can handle myself… but if anything happened to Bella.” Her face screwed up then as she cried.

“Nothing will. I’m here, you’re here, Steve’s … well not right here right now but he’s here metaphorically and physically mostly always.” He stammered and it made her laugh.

“I love you.”  She spoke before her bottom lip was bitten cutely, as if she was unsure.

“I love you, too.” He made sure to end any uncertainty.

                                                           *************

Peggy was, in a word … Bored.

Bucky had taken Bella on an adventure – a longer walk than normal she suspected, because that child had endless energy and was starting to drive both of them a little crazy. So, they suited up with their walking boots and a very excited Oreo, and off they went. Peggy had for a minute enjoyed the peace and quiet. She had cleaned the house, started dinner, brushed the front path… dismantled and reassembled six weapons in the basement… but still they were gone and she was left to do nothing but paint her nails. So, when she heard an engine shut off outside the house she was all ears.

Her heart sped up as she saw Steve exit the car, they had talked on the phone the night before and he had made no mention of coming so soon. She was thrilled. Opening the front door she didn’t stop her excitement for one second that led her to running toward him, and wrapping her arms around him as he was mid-way to the house. He laughed a big hearty laugh, she had caught him off guard, but he lifted her off the ground, and she took the opportunity to just wrap herself around him, he welcomed it gladly.

“Well, damn if I didn’t know any better I’d say you missed me, Peggy.”

“Little bit.” She confessed, still holding on. He started to walk with her wrapped around him like a spider monkey, instead of letting go she just held on until suddenly they were in the hallway and she was up against the door as it slammed shut.

“Hi.” He said looking into her eyes.

“I did miss you. We all did. So much.”

He smelled so good, he always smelled good, and she took it in.

He smiled still a touch bashful whenever anyone confessed feelings of positivity toward him.

Then the desire died in his eyes and she realised how tense he felt.

“Steve, what’s wrong?” she dropped from his body, still holding his arms he blinked away tears.

“Um, uh…” he looked around the house. “Where’s Buck?”

“Out with Isabella…. Steve tell me.” She pushed, seeing the anguish on his face.

“I um … I need to … to just splash some water on my face a sec … can I just –“he was out of sorts completely as she motioned for him to take the stairs to the bathroom. He did, two at a time, she gave him a second, her own body tense now with worry. Was it SHIELD business? Had they lost an Agent? Was there another war on the horizon? She waited in her – their room for him to finish, nervously tied her vanity waiting for him to come back. He did and with a tired sigh all but flopped down on the bed – on his back with a sigh.

“Sorry Peggy it’s been a long week – hell it’s been a long everything.”

“You ready to talk to me yet?” she asked from across the room, he opened his eyes and looked at her then still laying down.

“C’mere.” He motioned patting the bed beside him, and she obeyed tentatively. She moved to lay next to him, both their legs dangling off the bed.

“I saw Howard a couple of days ago. He came by the HQ in London.”

“Oh. How is –“

“Why didn’t you tell us, Peg?” he asked softly and a great big panic rushed through Peggy then.

“Steve, what did you do?” she had to ask, she knew her men.

“I …” he pursed his lips in anger, moving to sit up and she followed his movements. “I wanted to kill him. I wanted to just rip his fuckin’ head off I … why didn’t you tell us?!” he exclaimed.

“For that exact reason!”  her tone matched his.

“Peggy he knew – he knew the entire time – I … he wanted it to be Bucky?! But instead they got you – he fucking KNEW.”

“I know.” She admitted softly. “And I couldn’t have you know that. I knew once you did, everything would change. For one, one or both of you would murder him and I couldn’t live with that not after everything I had been through Steve.”

“But – “

“But nothing. It happened _to me_ , it was _my_ choice who knew his involvement. Yes, he knew what Zola had planned but Zola double crossed him too – he never knew where I was.”

“But he knew you were alive, most likely, and he wanted them to take Bucky to torture Bucky - all for the fucking serum!”

She grabbed his arms softly, he was shaking.

“And I couldn’t do a goddamn thing about it, right in front of my fuckin’ face – “

“Stop.” She ordered in no uncertain terms. “this was why, Steve. I couldn’t live with more blood, with more pain, and this – this second guessing ‘what ifs’… it does no one any good. I won’t let you torture yourself like this.”

“Peg – “

“No. It’s done. We cannot change what happened but we can change how we go forward. And killing Howard Stark? Taking Maria’s husband from her? Taking the baby’s father away from them? How … that makes us no better than Zola. So, no I didn’t tell you.”

His face softened then.

“Steve, I won’t ever forget what happened to me, how could I? But … I can’t let it take over the rest of my life, because if I do? They’ve won. Howard has to live with himself for this, and that I think is punishment enough. If I had told you, or if we tell Bucky? It will destroy us, and in turn one of you will end up in jail and frankly I don’t intend on spending my life as a prison wife.” She sassed and he actually broke a smile, as sad as it was. It was her turn then to move to him, to envelope him in a hug, which he took gladly, until she had all but crawled back into his lap. They stayed like that for what seemed an age, just holding on to each other, as Steve’s breathing finally evened out, and the tense muscles in his back loosened.

He pulled back then and looked at her, before softly kissing her. She welcomed it like always, letting each other just adjust to being in the other’s arms again, softly at first, then more urgent until he fell back with a soft thud, taking her with him, now she was straddling his waist, her dress hiked up at her thighs. She pushed back, pacing herself for what came next, what she wanted to happen, but was still nervous about initiating – after his rejection, as understandable as it was from Bucky, teamed with it having been such a terribly long time since she’d done this, she was very nervous. But, she reached down, her fingers trembling to unbuckle his black leather belt, before undoing the button and then the fly her knuckles grazing the soft hairs at his belly button in the process.

“Peggy are you – “

“Stop asking me if I’m sure, yes I’m sure would I be here if I was unsure?” she snapped but then her face softened, he seemed to sense her nervousness, but she was attempting to steamroll over her nerves. “I’m not made of glass, Steve. You of all people know how annoying it is to be treated as such.”

He nodded.

“Yes, I do.”

“So don’t?”

With no warning he swiftly shifted them both on to the bed, she was underneath him now, pinned by his weight, and my God, she missed that feeling.

His hands crept up her thighs, pushing her dress even further up too, until his hands were on her hips, moving her as they started revelling in the pressure of each other with their clothes still on.

It felt a world away from the last time they had been together.

Her body felt different now – stronger, but harder too, not as soft and round as she had been before, with her hair now grown into a short pixie-like cut, meant she was still the beautiful woman he knew but she was undoubtedly changed, and Steve realised for the first time just how strange it must have been for Bucky when he transformed from the serum. While she was the same person he loved and wanted and needed, she still felt foreign under his fingertips. Not that it mattered really, she still knew him inside and out and he was hard and panting and he hadn’t so much as lost his shirt. She changed that quickly though, making short work of the buttons and yanking it off his shoulders, he decided to repay the favour but in the spirit of not treating her like glass he tried a different approach. By simply ripping her dress open and yanked it down, exposing her breasts, spilling out of her white lace underwear.

He lost his train of thought as he scattered her neck with hot, open-mouthed kisses and let his left hand slide up and yank her underwear to the side, whatever was happening between them neither seemed to want to separate long enough to lose their clothes completely. Fingers inside her had her stammer to a stop on top of him for a second, he found her wanting and it spurned him on like someone stepping on the gas. He needed her there and then, and she had no issue with his sense of urgency, it seemed, since she started in on his belt a half a second later and before he knew it, she was sinking down on him, warm heat welcoming him, enough to make his eyes roll back in his head.

He started thrusting, tender at first, then a little harder each time, encouraged by her noises, by her face. Everything, every nerve, every cell felt alive and she wanted to cry out, and she remembered that she could that this was good pain, good pressure. Everything felt … _good_. Not that she was shocked, except that she was. It was one thing remembering pleasure like that, another to experience it again after so long.

“Steve… oh my _fucking_ \- “

He laughed and didn’t stop until he pushed her off the edge of orgasm, just before sinking his teeth softly into her neck, enough to sting before sucking the pain away. She giggled before slinking to his side.

_“Jesus Christ.”_

“Nope, still just me.” He laughed. Before she whacked him with a pillow.

“Hey now don’t play dirty – “he said whacking her back.

“Didn’t we just play real dirty.” She pointed out, resting her head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her pulling her close.

“Point.” He giggled.

“Steve we should talk – “

“Hmm.” He closed his eyes, just enjoying the moment. “we will … plenty of time… nap first.”

She smiled.

“Yes, naps first.”

                                                                       ***

She vaguely recalled a kiss to her forehead before she rolled around and got more comfortable, and before she knew it she opened her eyes and the room was bathed in orange light. She glanced at her clock and it was late afternoon.

Shit.

She really hadn’t meant to sleep that long.

She got up and looked in the mirror, she was a mess. So she took a little time – grabbing her jeans and a t-shirt, but not bothering with her bra, she fixed her short hair into a little less of a messy state, and made her way down stairs. There was commotion coming from the kitchen, so she followed the noise.

“No, in there like that, yes just like that good girl!” She heard Bucky boast. With a sweet little ‘Yay’ from Bella.

The state of her kitchen alarmed her for a second – flour on the counter tops, cracked egg shells, mixing bowls – and the smell of chicken from her stove top.

“What are you up to?” she asked, from her spot in the doorway. All three of them looked her way.

“Hey!” Bucky exclaimed with a smile – his nose had flour on it, Peggy suppressed a giggle. Steve was hands deep in a bowl, and Bella – oh Bella. She was covered in chocolate from her chin to her cheeks. At that she had to laugh.

“HI MOM!” she yelled too excited to be at whatever she was at in that bowl. All Peggy could do was walk to them to see, moving to give Steve a peck on the lips before walking to Bucky, and hugging him from behind. She felt his sigh more than she heard it.

“Hey there…” he said softly before turning to her, chocolate covered spatula in hand. “Sleep well?” he asked, a glint in his eye and a smirk on his lips, before she tip toed up and kissed him on his messy face.

“Yes thank you. I didn’t mean to sleep so long – “

“You looked comfortable.” Steve interjected.

“Where did you two get off to?” She asked Bella, then looking to Bucky.

“Oh,” he added bashfully. “ _Well_ , we came back from our walk but you and Stevie were moving some furniture upstairs.”

“REALLY LOUDLY MOM.” Their daughter added. Causing Peggy to gape.

Bucky laughed.

“Ahem, yes, really _loudly_ as we came back to the house SO….” He shrugged, “we took a drive into town for supplies.” He smiled. “Until the … um furniture was moved.”

“It was a lot of hard work…” Steve added before adding the chicken he was dipping in flour to the pan. “So yes…. Good.”

Peggy just shook her head, feeling as if she should have been embarrassed but realising that no, these were her guys, still, the comfort level was still there, it was just buried and needed a little digging.

Bucky moved to kiss her on the cheek then, covering her in flour as he did so, making Isabella giggle.

“I’m glad.” He whispered. “The uh furniture was moved. And maybe sometime soon I’ll …jump in and do what I can to help.”

“That would be good.” She whispered back before reaching up and wiping his face. “What ARE you three doing anyway?”

“We’re baking a cake mom! It was Daddy’s idea. He said… he said – “she struggled with excitement, her beautiful, chocolate covered mess of a child, “that you _and_ Stevie _and_ Daddy once started to bake a cake and it was a great cake – “

“Messy… Totally nuts… but the best cake I ever had.” Bucky added, cocking his brow as Peggy recalled the metaphor and laughed.

“Sweet Jesus …” Peggy exclaimed through her laugh.

“Well, you know, I figured it was time we tried again. _Literally_.” Bucky said, with a flair pointing out the mess of the kitchen and all three of her people.

“What’ya say Carter? Wanna bake a cake with us?”

Peggy could do nothing but smile, take a deep breath and much like before she jumped in with both feet and her whole heart.

“I’d love too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: If you're still with me on this come say hi! 
> 
> Also, if you like the idea of TJ Hammond, Hayes Morrison and recently defrosted and lost Steve Rogers, check out Fucked Up Former First Kids in my works :D xo


	51. All about Bella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Bella finds out.

A/N: You GUYS. IT HAS LITERALLY BEEN 84 YEARS. Well, okay but close enough at 8 months?!?! How dare I, frankly. Just, how dare the writer's block, and work and life keep me from this for this effing long! I am profoundly sorry for the wait, I know as a reader how frustrating that is when you're in the middle of a story and BAM they just fuck off. But, if you ARE still with me, I thank you, I love you and I can't wait to hear from you again! Come kick my ass on [Tumblr ](http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/)if you feel the need, I won't even blame you :D xo

 

 

 

ETA: The perfect and charming and maazzing fan art from the fab [Koreanrage ](http://koreanrage.tumblr.com/post/162180136780/so-many-plushies-chaneladdict-i-def-drew-this)over on tumblr. I just love these sfm! 

[x](http://koreanrage.tumblr.com/post/161910335195/i-still-love-captain-dad-from-gutg-ttatt-they)

[x](http://koreanrage.tumblr.com/post/162180136780/so-many-plushies-chaneladdict-i-def-drew-this)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exiting the car, she took a breath, and wrapped her scarf a little tighter around her neck.

It’s the winter of 1960, and there’s snow on the ground, the bitter wind chill of New York City never fails to cut through to the bone. She takes the stairs, having let herself into the dark house, with the key she was given so many years before. 

There wasn’t a sound on either level of the large town house, not until the third floor and then only the sound of a TV in the distance somewhere. She found him in an office, no surprise, she found him stinking drunk, even less of a surprise.

There was a wireless on in the corner, Christmas music, and one dull lamp lit in the opposite corner, barely illuminating the room.

She sighed.

He didn’t register her presence, merely continued to stand and look out the large window at the soft snow fall.

“Maria had the baby.” She said with no real anger in her voice though she felt it, for herself, for Maria, for that poor boy.

“Did she, that’s … “he stopped and took another drink, whiskey from the smell of the room, a lot of it too.

Maria had demanded via Mr Jarvis that Peggy be there at the birth. A note with ‘tit for tat, Carter’ was what she received, and with memories of her own labour in her head, she set off to comfort her friend in her lonely time of need.

“Don’t you want to know about it?”

There was a beat, before he turned to look at her and she fought back a gasp. He looked awful, he looked old and tired and so very alone. She realised, he was, so alone by his own choosing.

“Are they both okay?” he asked, another large gulp as the ice hit the glass. 

“THEY are fine; you have a  _ son _ , Howard.”

His eyes cut to her then, and just for a second she saw the happy cocky young man she once knew, before the world started to eat him alive. But it was gone as quickly as it appeared, and he downed the rest of the drink, returning to his desk to refill.

“That’s … the poor kid. Let’s hope he takes after his mother, huh? She okay? Maria? I haven’t heard from her in a while.”

“No, you wouldn’t have would you, she sort of decided to give up trying to talk to  _ you  _ when you ignored her calls and visits for the hundredth time.”

“You come here to give me a hard time, Peg? That what this is?”

Peggy scowled.

“Come on then, have a drink with me huh? It’ll be like old times, we’ll wet the baby’s head.”

She just rolled her eyes.

“I’d rather not, if it’s all the same. And don’t you think you should … call her? See her? See  _ him _ ?”

“What good would that do, huh?”

“It would comfort your wife who at this moment is sitting alone in a hospital ward with your son, with no one in the world there to care for them.”

He just shook his head.    

“I gave her a house, fuck it, Peggy I gave her three houses and a boat, two cars and a staff. She’s got plenty of people who care – Jesus, she even took Jarvis!”

Peggy fought every violent urge in her body just then.

“Yes, because as always it’s the material things that matter, right? A staff of strangers and empty rooms is how you show you care.”

“MAYBE IT IS.” He snapped then, slamming the glass on the table. “MAYBE … Maybe it’s the only way I know how.”

She approached him then, and God up close he was even a bigger mess, and he really, really needed a shower.

She put her hand over the glass, stopping him from reaching for it again.

“Howard, you need to sober up, you need to shower and you need to go see your son. You need to hold him and smell him, and cuddle him. You NEED to do this, I’m telling you now, not for the boy – he won’t remember it, but you will. YOU will.”

“Peggy –“He all but sobbed a broken attempt at her name. She just shook her head. She wasn’t here for this, not now.

“You’ll go, and you’ll bring Maria flowers, and you’ll smell nice, and you’ll hug her and congratulate her on doing such a wonderful job. Then if you hold your child and if you still want to come back here – to this.” She gestured to the empty stinking room in the cold and empty house, not disgusting the disgust in her voice. “Then that’s on you.” She ended her message with a pat to his cold hand, stepping back to turn to leave. When she reached the door she heard him sob to himself, something she wouldn’t have caught  _ before _ .

“I am sorry, Peggy. For what they … what I did to you.”

She wanted to forgive him, she really did, but it was too soon. Perhaps it would always be too soon. She hoped not. She hoped one day she could embrace her friend again.

Today was not that day.

“I know you are, Howard.” 

And with that she took her leave, exiting as silently as she came. Hoping he would for once, do the right thing.

**********************

 

**1969**

Peggy could hear the click of her heels on the tile as she pushed herself forward, rushing in from the rain, leaving her umbrella at the door, all but storming down the halls to find the office she was needed in as fast as she could. 

She was furious. They really had thought they had gotten through to her on keeping her fists in check!

When she came to the door marked ‘Principal’ she stopped and took a breath before she knocked. When it opened a tall, slender woman with red hair greeted her.

“Mrs Barnes, I’m the school Principal, Mrs Gordon. Please come in,” and in she came, to find her daughter standing, hair askew, lips bloody, eyes swollen, arms crossed. Looking every inch of her father in that moment, only with what she knew to be her own special blend of Bella attitude. The other girl was bigger in every aspect, where Bella was wiry and short the other girl was rounder, but taller, broader and clearly stronger, and yet, she looked so much worse. 

“I thought Dad was coming to get me?” Was all her daughter said, and for some reason it enraged her.

“Oh, that would have been better for you, I imagine. You’d wrap him around your little finger and somehow by the time you both got home the story would have been watered down to a misunderstanding.” Peggy bit back. “What the hell happened here?” 

Bella merely glared at her, bright blue eyes, her father’s without a doubt, though rimmed in what Peggy knew to be  _ her  _ stolen black liner. 

“She started it.” 

“So that meant you had to finish it?” Peggy asked; she might have ignored something the principal said, she didn’t really care, she paced to where the other girl stood.

“Who are you?”

The girl looked terrified, but defiant. Peggy knew what that feeling felt like.

“Vera Sanderson.” The girl spoke then, folding her arms.

“And did you start this, Vera?”

The girl shrugged, Peggy looked to Mrs Gordon.

“There was a disagreement on the grounds.”

“She called my Dad and Steve things she had _no_ Goddamn right callin’ ‘em so I clocked her one.”

Peggy took a deep breath. 

_ Of course she did. _

“Isabella, we discussed –“

“So what was I meant to do huh? She called them commie queers mom, what the fu –“

“Bella!”

At that, she stopped and went back to sulking.

“Is she right Vera, did you say those things?”

At that, the girl who was bruising like a big pale peach, pinkened in her cheeks.

“My Dad says that they are!” The girl struggled to speak, if Peggy had to guess she’d a couple of broken teeth back there, and something close to a break in her nose if the amount of blood on her ice pack was anything to go by. 

“Your dad is an idiot, Vera.”

“Mrs Barnes…” Mrs Gordon began, but Peggy merely looked at her. 

“ _ Mrs Gordon _ , I trust that I don’t need to remind you that my husband and his best friend fought and literally, in Steve’s case, died, to save this country.”

“No, you do not.” The woman stiffened. Peggy knew her husband fought the same war, knew the story better than anyone. 

“And need I remind you that if it were not for Captain Rogers and the work my husband and I do, we might all be under Communist rule, as we speak?” Highly unlikely but Peggy was pissed off.

The woman kept a stern face, but sat back down.

“So excuse me if I’m not exactly in a coddling ignorance kind of a mood, Vera.” 

The girl was back to looking terrified.

“Isabella, you were raised better than this,” Peggy aimed at her kid, who finally had the sense to look ashamed. “Apologise.”

At that her daughter’s eyes widened.

“I didn’t DO anything wrong!”

“You busted her lips and I assumed messed with her back teeth?”

The other girl nodded.

“You don’t solve uninformed ignorance with violence, Bell, now, please just –“

“Fine, I’m sorry I fucked up your face, but it’s an improvement.”

The principle gasped at that. Peggy just pinched the bridge of her nose.

“This kind of language –“the principle began but Peggy nodded toward her.

“I understand completely. Look, Vera, are you sorry for repeating things you had no right in repeating without knowing the truth and thus making yourself look foolish and idiotic?”

The girl merely nodded. 

“Are you going to do it again?”

She looked to Bella, and then to Peggy.

“No Ma’am.”

“Good. Bella?”

Peggy gave her ‘the look’ and that did it.

“I am sorry I messed up your face, and I’m sorry for kicking you in the … I’m sorry.”

Peggy exhaled.

“Go wait in the car.” Peggy handed her the keys. “Where are Vera’s parents, Mrs Gordon I’d like to speak with them,” The girl blanched. 

“On their way, Mrs Barnes,” Mrs Gordon said with a nod, as if approvingly agreeing with Peggy’s decision.

“Car. Now.” She ordered her daughter who only rolled her eyes once as she exited.

A half hour later and Peggy really wanted to hit something, though given the circumstances, not the best example to be setting. God, maybe she had taught her girl to be too self-aware, too strong.

Nonsense, utter nonsense. But, still, Peggy wished she’d control that temper a little better. 

She found Bella reading in the car, feet on the dash, radio at full blast. She shut it off when she got in.

“Are you gonna yell at me now?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Do I ever yell?”

Her girl shrugged, sitting down like a proper human again.

“No, you do that creepy quiet thing that is even more terrifying. Dad yells, sometimes Steve, but you don’t.”

“I don’t need to yell, I can get my point across without straining my voice.” Peggy had adapted the silent but deadly approach the first time she’d beat on one of the kids on the street – she was eight. She had done enough screaming to last her a lifetime years  _ before _ , caged and trapped, she would never yell at her daughter if she could help it.

“Look, we’ve tried to instill in you –“

“Mom I know okay, I do, it’s just … the things she said, and not just about them…” she blushed, which means it was about either Peggy or Bella herself.

“What did she say exactly?”

She huffed a breath before speaking.

“It’s not important…”

“It was important enough for you to bust her open?” Peggy began but couldn’t keep the laugh from her voice, which dragged a smile from her kid before she sighed.

“She’s just like you said, ignorant... and I should have walked away, but, it was too hard this time.”

This time, that meant there were other times. 

_ Fuck sake.  _

“She said that they were … that. And that  _ you  _ were a traitor and a Brit who didn’t know  _ her place, _ and that I was a bastard and my mom didn’t know who my dad was because of how close… things are.”

“I see.”

“So yeah, I clocked her, and she  _ did  _ deserve it, and not just for being horrid –“Peggy hid her smile, for a Brooklyn kid she had a knack for picking up on Peggy’s words, and they sounded delightfully out of place, she loved it. “She picks on the smaller kids too, which is just messed up you ask me, picking on kids who can’t even fight back that’s not okay, and Steve said –“

Of course Steve said…

“And I just, yeah, I regret it but I don’t at the same time.” She shrugged.

“The principal wanted to suspend you.”

“Ah shit!” Bella let out before clamping her mouth closed and sitting back. “Sorry.”

“She’s not, but you’re on extra homework for a month, no arguments or so help me Isabella, Switzerland is still an option.”

The threat of boarding school was always her go-to. One day she’d call her bluff. As it stood she just put on her belt.

“Okay.” She looked down; she had Bucky’s shame face down pat. “What are we going to tell Dad and Steve?”

Peggy took a breath, starting the car.

“The truth.”

Her daughter’s shoulders sagged. 

“That it was just a … misunderstanding.” She side eyed, knowing full well she was giving in more than she probably should.

“Thanks Mom,” she half smiled, before leaning over and kissing her on the cheek. Maybe the boys weren’t the only ones around her little finger. 

“Okay, let’s go home.”

                   *****

That same year, the year Bella is due to turn fifteen, their world once more flips upside fucking down.

And it was _all_ their own fault.

It was an early afternoon in October; Peggy was getting back from the city, same time Steve was getting back from a meeting, both stopping at the steps with a laugh, doing the neighbourly thing and stopping to chat - aware of the busy street and the time of day.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Steve commented, that look in his eye that Peggy knew so well now.

She smiled at the sight of him. 

The previous decade had been an interesting one for them, so many changes - not just with their growing daughter, but their ever growing relationship too. The ups and downs that came with recovery for her, for them and for their relationship. 

It wasn’t easy, but they knew it was worth it, which made it all the sweeter when things were good, steady and normal. 

And they had been for a long while. 

What hadn’t changed much though, was their appearance. All things considered, the sixties had been kind to them - they knew why - and yet when pressed, she’d say it was a good night sleep and a lot of water. The men, they grew their hair, chopped and changed it over the years, beards came, and went. Peggy though, for the most part, looked the same. Her hair was longer now, tiny blonde highlights though, that caught the light in a way she liked, cascading in curls more often than not, down her back, swept to the side of her neck most days. 

But, still. They remained. 

“Hmm funny thing that, I wasn’t expecting you -” she whispered, as she heard footsteps behind her, before a Mrs Kennedy passed with a nod and a smile with her two year old, Maxine. 

“Mrs Barnes, Mr Rogers.” she’d acknowledge, and of course everyone nodded and smiled as she passed.

Steve bit his lip until he was sure she was out of earshot.

“I have the afternoon if you do…”

His eyes sparkling with mischief. She loved that look on him.

“Meet me inside then and we’ll see.” She whispered, two seconds before turning toward her steps only to be faced with Mr. Faraday, Isabella’s P.E teacher.

“Well good afternoon, Mrs. Barnes - Mr Rogers -” he called out and Peggy looked to see Steve waving as he ascended his own steps to his house with a smile. 

“Afternoon, Sir.” he finished sneaking inside like the lucky bastard he was. Peggy took a breath.

“Mr. Faraday what can I -”

“We need to talk about your daughter Mrs Barnes, and I know I’ve sent notes home with Isabella and yet I haven’t heard anything back -”

“Sir with all due respect -” and Peggy had very little for this asswipe truth be told. “you put my daughter in a position -” 

Steve heard her taking the teacher to task all the way inside his house, but it faded when he took his stairs two at a time to get to the third floor, into his office, and into the closet.

They made a lot of jokes about that closet, the one that led to the closet in Peggy’s office - the gateway of their privacy and that had been used daily for the previous fifteen years. 

Slipping silently into the other house, he straightened himself up before exiting, and waiting on Peggy by sitting on the stairs.

He heard her turn the key in the door before stepping into the hallway and calling out for Bucky.

He wasn’t home, the note on the hallway table said he’d to Coney Island to help his buddy Vinny with his bowling alley set up.  Steve recalled something vague about knowing this but it had slipped his mind.  

“Someone’s in a good mood,” Peggy added as she shed her coat, and he grabbed hold of her scarf and pulled her toward him, smiling.

“I  _ am  _ in a good mood, a great mood actually. Washington agreed to our terms for the bill, and my lunch was the right order today,  _ and  _ I got word that the sale went through.”

Peggy beamed. He’d had his eye on a beach house in Cape Cod for a while, when they had finally settled on one they all loved, he put in a bid right away. But, it had taken months – she grinned, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. “Well, that IS good news, Buck will be thrilled.” 

Steve smiled.

“Might get him to stop working maybe.”

“Same to yourself, Boss man.”

He rolled his eyes, before leaning in to kiss her again.

“I don’t know about you but I  _ fancy…  _ a lazy afternoon.” He adopted her accent on a word for emphasis.

That wasn’t subtle code for anything between them, ever. 

“Is that so? Hm, what if I had  _ things _ planned? Do you think I should just drop it all, along with my panties and spend the day in bed with you?”

He cocked a brow, holding her tighter knowing she’d have no complaints.

“Well, do you?”

She faked thinking about it.

“Hm, no. But – “before she could get out another word he had her over his shoulder and half way up the stairs, both of them laughing like idiots, and Peggy’s tummy hurt from laughing so hard as he rather unceremoniously heaved her on to the bed. When it was the three of them, many factors came into play, mostly what pleased everyone – which wasn’t always easy or possible. But, for the most part, they made it work. However when it was down to a twosome Peggy was aware there were things that she did with Bucky that she didn’t with Steve – and things they did with and two each other that didn’t include her. It was more than fine, and normal she thought, each of them brought something special and utterly unique to them to the relationship – why not the sex too? She also knew that sometimes when it was just her and Steve, they behaved in a way that they both knew made Bucky uncomfortable.

So when Steve slipped off his favourite tie, the one Bucky got him for his birthday the year before, and held it in such a way. Peggy knew what was coming. Steve's adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed, a look of sheer concentration on his face, though his pupils were dilated, his beautiful face flushed a pretty pink all the way down his neck already.

Yes, Peggy knew what was coming.

_ Her. _

But not before he tied her to their bed nice and tight.

This was almost old hat to them after so many years, everyone knew what everyone liked to get them off in half the time if that’s what was  _ necessary  _ \- but it was almost never necessary. It wasn’t about the result - though that was always nice, it was, after so many years, the climb that kept things interesting. she knew how to make both her men come in their pants if she’d wanted, but ...rarely was that what she wanted. 

Rarely, not never. 

“You’re in a fine mood this afternoon,” she gasped, able to move if it was what she really wanted, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She felt his grin rather than saw it, between her legs. His gaze unrepentant through those luscious lashes of his.  

“Am I?” And he moved his mouth just so, and she squirmed as was his intention, and before she could continue he did it again, and again, and again until her abs tightened with the sensations and her orgasm slipped through her body leaving her limbs like jelly. Steve’s made his way with soft kisses down the hollow of her throat, to her collarbone and mouthing the soft curve of her breast. As she petted his hair that she had pulled out of its carefully placed style while he had been busy between her legs. Scratching against his scalp in a way both she and Buck knew he loved.

“I just missed you is all.” is what he said, continuing the conversation is if there had been no gaps. 

She smiled. Usually, their afternoons or nights when the toys came out meant that there was some form of aggression to be worked out, when sparing didn’t do it for any of them, other measured were used to level out their newfound heights of tension. But, there were times like this, soft, yet restrained, where he was all about the care, and the softness, the pleasure over the pleasurable pain. The soft look on his face as she kissed his temple afterward, as he untied her, always was her undoing. He looked so young, still.

They all looked so young,  _ still _ . 

If it was something she was fixated on, she knew at least she wasn’t alone. But, as always it was something they would worry about ‘tomorrow’. 

“I have news, I want to share when Buck gets home, it’s kind of no big deal but you know.” he shrugged, tossing the restraints under the bed, before reaching for his boxers and slipping them back on - his face still flushed from fucking, personally it was Peggy’s favourite look on him. She grabbed Bucky’s t-shirt that laid at the foot of the bed and pulled it on, too. The room was chilly, and though now her aversion to the cold was less so, she wanted to be snuggly with her guy.

“Good, bad?”

“Nothing to worry about,” he added, getting back into bed and pulling her into their snuggle position. She sighed happily, though her wrists ached, the best kind of ache. 

“If you’re sure.”

“I am, what did Mr. Tennis Racket Up His Ass want?” 

Peggy laughed, neither of her guys held Bella’s P.E teacher in any high esteem. 

“Complaining that Bella was  _ suggesting  _ the class that they go to a equality protest as a group, said she was ‘riling the girls up with notions of feminism’. I was rather proud.” Peggy smiled as Steve chuckled, hugging her close.

“Well, this is what happens when you bring your daughter to protests at age  _ four _ , Peg.” He added, in a that false stern voice he sometimes used.

“Mmhm,  _ Yes I know _ , but I always felt she needed a … well rounded education on what was going on in the world.”

“What? That’s just crazy.” he added, still mocking.

Her eyes widened as she looked up at him, “honestly, lock me up, right? How dare I?” she rolled her eyes, but still held her even closer. 

Oh, that was right, Steve never liked it much when she joked about things like that. Still, after all that time, both her guys got real twitchy on the subject of Peggy doing anything against her will, being anywhere against her will, and jokes about jails, cells, and torture were ...frowned upon. It warmed her heart, it really did. Instead of commenting, she fingered the pair of dog tags around her neck, remembering how when she had returned home, the final time, with Bella and the dog, who met the cat and strangely, instantly becoming DC’s best friend and occasional source of furry transport. Peggy had realised she missed her stolen wedding rings, plural. The one from Bucky she wore on her finger, and the one from Steve she wore around her neck. It had, oddly, been a source of angst for her - out of  _ all  _ the things, that had been the one that set her off again after an absence of tears for weeks after her return. 

They solved it though, as they so often did, and so simply with an act of romantic nostalgia. Offering her their dog tags that each of them had from the other since the war, and well, that had brought on more tears but for a better reason that time. She let them replace her rings eventually, on their wedding anniversary - year five. But she still kept the tags, because she was, at heart, a sentimental old fool.

“We should get cleaned up, she’ll be home soon.” he said and she disagreed with a groan.

“No.”

“Peg, you know -”

“No, I mean, she won’t be home, she going to Clara’s for dinner, they have a project, apparently.” 

Peggy knew, Steve had no idea who Clara was, their daughter’s circle of friends expanded and shrunk so often even Peggy had trouble keeping track. 

“She’ll get the six thirty train, be back by seven, we have all evening. So don’t even think about taking away the snuggle, Mr.” she added, doubling down on her quilt robbery as he laughed.

“Fine, five more minutes.” 

She groaned again in protest, but not for long because in her bubble of warmth and Steve, it wasn’t long before a early afternoon nap was calling for her.

His five minute rule clearly went out the window, and really she knew she should have listened, because of course the one time they let their guard down, the one time they get sloppy and lazy, is the one time it goes straight to hell. 

They’re both awoken by a small gasp, a unmistakable one, by an unmistakable person. Bella, standing in the bedroom doorway, her mouth agape, her face pale, her eyes wide.

“Mom?” She looked from Steve back to Peggy, now tears in her eyes. They both shot up, Peggy at least somewhat half decent, Steve clinging to the sheet.

“Bell, I -”

“What’s going on? Why… why?  _ What _ ?” she pushed out, her cheeks going red. Steve clambered for his underwear slipping them on as fast as Peggy had seen him do anything under that sheet, as she got up - thankful Bucky’s shirt was long on her.  

“Bella, sweetheart... look I need you to -”

“You’re fucking STEVE?!” She blurted out, crying now, redder now. Peggy’s heart broke in a million pieces. 

“No -”

“ _ No _ ?!” She scoffed, “I’m not a little kid mom and I’m not stupid! I can’t believe this! I JUST can’t believe this?! You’re - YOU’RE CHEATING on my DAD with his  _ best  _ friend?!” she was pacing the bedroom now, as Peggy grasped for her dressing gown.

“Bella -” Steve started but suddenly her rage was directed at him, as if she just realised he was still there. 

“And YOU I can’t believe YOU! My dad loves you! He’s your best friend in the WORLD, Steve,” she pushed him, out right pushed at his chest, and though Steve was unmoving Peggy saw his heart was breaking too. He tried to grasp her elbow, stop her in her tracks, but that just set her off, and the next thing Peggy knew, Steve was getting decked in the nose - hard enough to knock him back a step, and when he took his hand away, there was blood. Putting everything all three of them had taught her to far too good use.

Jesus Christ.

“Isabella, that’s enough.” Peggy moved rapidly then, grabbing her daughter and pulling her out of the room, into the hallway. “Look, I’m going to need you to calm down -”

“You’re a liar.” her daughter sobbed, fighting her every step until they stood outside the room, both breathless, both in pieces. Peggy keeping it all inside until she got her message across though. 

“I need you to listen to me -”

“So you can lie to me some more? How long has this been going on, huh? How long have you been CHEATING on my dad!?” She pulled away, stepping back, “I came back early because Clara’s sick, and the door was open -”

The rule had always been, if the door was  _ closed  _ she didn’t just walk right in, not without knocking, she knew that from childhood. 

But if it was open…

Which was all Peggy’s fault. 

She looked back into the room to see Steve standing there, hand to his nose, sad look on his face. this was a disaster. 

“Bella, it’s complicated.”

Her daughter’s face soured. 

“Yeah, I’ll bet. Being a lying slut is really complicated.”

Peggy stalled but it was all she could do to stop from bursting into tears. That though seemed to be what tipped Steve over the edge.

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ talk to your mother like that -”

Bella still wore that stubborn look on her face. But Steve was done.

“Not ever. You hear me?” He was looking just as angry now, and that made Bella sob. She had always taken it worse when her Steve was mad at her than either of her parents. The next thing they knew Bella had fled to her bedroom further down the hall, and slammed the door so loudly the walls shook. It was all it took to set Peggy off, walking into Steve’s embrace, in floods of tears.

“This wasn’t meant to happen this way.” she muttered, leaving Steve to think - no none of this was meant to happen this way, but here they were anyway.

**********

 

Being stuck in traffic was one of Bucky’s least favourite things, now, he was a patient man, but when some fucking idiot grinds the traffic to a standstill three separate times, it starts to test anyone. He stopped off and decided to bring pizzas and some pastas for dinner, knowing it would go down a treat, and that no one had gone grocery shopping that week yet, so as far as he could recall, all that was in the fridge were the bare necessities.

“Hey anyone ho-” he got out before seeing the living room door was already open, and seeing a very forlorn looking Steve, and downright fucking devastated looking Peggy standing. 

“What happened? What’s wrong?” his senses on high alert instantly, the bags of food left on the couch. He couldn’t get a another word out before Peggy moved to hug him, leaving him to look to Steve.

“Is it Bella? Is she okay?” 

Peggy sobbed into his chest.

“She knows, Buck.” Is all Steve said, and at that it seemed like it was a struggle to speak. 

“She … knows.” 

“We left the door open, she came home early, she saw us in …” again she broke down in sobs, so he held her closer. “She wasn’t meant to find out this way. That is what deathbeds are for!”

Okay, so now their kid knew, kind of, what was going on. Chances are she didn’t really ‘know’ what she should, and the two sensitive sad saps standing in front of him maybe weren’t emotionally equipped in that moment to have the real conversation calmly.

He took a deep breath.

“She thinks Peggy is cheating on you, with me.”

Bucky smirked, reaching out his free hand to bring Steve into the hugging situation. Knowing he’d never come voluntarily as his face clearly read ‘stoic’. 

“Okay, it’s okay.” 

Peggy hiccuped so they hugged even tighter.

“I’ll go … talk to her.”

“Bucky no she hates us, she’s … she punched Steve in the nose. She’s angry and I don’t know how to fix this!”

Pulling apart finally, he wiped Peggy’s tears, he hated more than anything seeing his people cry. 

“Babe, we gotta talk to her, we can’t just leave her with her thoughts … particularly if what she thinks is very wrong.”

“The whole _reason_ we didn’t tell her, the whole reason why we’ve spent the last ten years or so sneaking around since she was old enough to remember, the whole bloody reason -”

“I know, Peg.” and he did, they all talked about it, frequently. 

“So why now, she’s still too young to deal with this, to have to lie every day for the rest of her life. I don’t want that for her, we’ve never wanted that for her, Bucky.” 

Steve took her hand and squeezed it.

“What’s the alternative now? Let her think badly of you? Both of you? No, I won’t have that.”

“It’s better that than having to lie to everyone she knows every day. You know how hard that is, and we’re trained for it.” Peggy rationalised.

“You’d really rather she hate you?”

“I could live with that if it meant she -”

“Peggy no. I love you, and she LOVES you and Steve so fucking much, do you know how much?” he smiled, even though it wasn’t a conversation he was ready for, it was one he needed to have. And it had to be him, because that child was as stubborn as her mother, and frankly he feared for Steve’s nose if either of them attempted it. “She loves you almost,  _ almost  _ as much as I do, and I won’t let this kill that when it doesn’t have to.”

Steve squeezed her hand again.

“Peg, he’s right.”

“Should we all do this?”

Bucky shook his head. No, they knew better than to overwhelm her more than necessary, particularly with something as sensitive as this. As it stood he was maybe the one person she wasn’t fuming at. It had to be him. He told her as much.

It caused her to sigh, moving over to the couch and grabbing a pizza box. 

“I’ll get you napkins.” 

*****

 

He took the stairs, pizza and napkins in hand, and found that her room was empty. Except her knew his kid, and knew where she was. The irony of finding her in the closet wasn’t lost on him given what he was about to discuss. 

“Daddy!” she said, no longer the teenager, full of bravado and sarcasm, just his kid with tear stained cheeks and sad eyes. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” she kept repeating as she hugged him, and he did his best, like with her mother, to calm her down.

“Shh. Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay, it’s  _ okay… _ ” he petted her hair and sat down next to her. “It’s alright, I promise.”

It made her pull back.

“No, it’s not Dad they’re cheating on you with each other! Steve’s your BEST friend, and MOM?! They’re horrible -”

“No, they’re not -”

“Awful, liars!” Her brows knitted then, and that’s when he opened the pizza box. 

“Grab a slice and come sit with me on your bed okay? My ass is numb right now.”

She sniffled as he stood and offered her his free hand. Both of them then ending up sitting on her perfectly made bed.

“Kid, I have to talk to you about some stuff and it’s going to be maybe... confusing -”

“Please don’t talk to be about sex, dad, that one time mom tried it was just weird.” 

He laughed handing her a slice, and taking a big one for himself. He wanted to make this seem casual, he wanted to make it seem … normal. Because they were, at least to each other, and he hoped she’d see that too.

“Why aren’t you mad?” she asked.

Smart kid.

“I’m not mad because … I’m not. Look, um, you know a while back when you asked me if Mom was the first person I ever loved?”

She nodded, mid-bite. 

“And you remember I said that was a story for another time?”

Another nod.

“The reason why I didn’t go into it then, was, well, I didn’t want to lie to you -”

“Unlike Steven and  _ Margaret _ .” she sassed, and sweet Jesus she was going to be as sharp as her mother when she grew up.

“Bells, I need you to hear me now, okay, I understand you’re mad, and hurt and I get it but… you don’t need be because they were doing nothing wrong.”

Her brows knitted once more.

“Dad, are you on drugs?!”

He smiled and took a deep breath, not really sure what to say, or how she’d react.

“No. Look, sweetheart…” He resisted the urge not to fidget. “The reason why I didn’t tell was because... your mom wasn’t the first person I loved, the first person I loved - and still love - was Steve.”

“I know you guys are clos-”

“No, babe… No.” he took her hand then, looking her in the eyes. 

She blinked.

“Dad … um…  are you ... _ gay _ ?”

Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know if that’s the right word? Because I love your mom … God, I love your mom so much.” He squeezed her hand. “But, I also … we both … okay, let me start from the start, it’s going to be a lot of information but… today seems to be the day.” he took a deep breath once more, he wasn't sure he could do this, properly, in a way that left her least fucked up as possible. But he figured the truth was a good place to start. “You know how your mom and I got together, right?” He knew she knew that story but he needed to be as clear as he could.

She nodded softly.

“After Steve, you guys got together.”

“Right, I mean you know it wasn’t right away, and it wasn’t easy … because we were both… we were so heartbroken.”

She nodded again, her big blue eyes so sad.

“But… I fell for her and she fell …  _ eventually _ ,” he laughed, “for me too, and we had a life, pieces of a life at least... but it was special - She was special. She made me feel like I was something special too.”

He could see her thinking this out, the bits and pieces of stories they had told her over the years, and piecing it together slowly.

“But then Steve came back.” she said. 

“Yes, he did. And it was the biggest miracle, we …” Bucky could feel the lump in his throat rise up. He swallowed it down as much as he could. “We couldn’t believe it really, it was a big shock. And an even bigger shock was realising that just because a person is gone doesn’t mean the love you had for them goes with it. It still lives, and it sleeps inside you, and it was very much still there. For all of us.”

Her eyes widened. She was a smart kid.

“So mom and Steve -” Bucky nodded at her, “and you…”

“Yes.”

“ _ Oh _ .” she said quietly, pulling away, and getting off the bed. 

She paced like Steve.

“So… So… I mean…” she took a breath. “You guys… all this time have been a ...couple? No wait that’s not the right word… a -”

“We’ve been together, yes.”

She bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes. She was silent as the grave for a minute or more, the longest minute of Bucky's life.  


“Daddy, are you really my dad?”

_ Oh, Jesus. _

Bucky let his own tears fall then as he moved up to hug her tight.

“Bella, yes there’s no question -”

“But you guys LIED about …  _ everything _ ! You lied to me my whole life how do I  _ know  _ you’re not lying about this too?!” She cried as she clinged to him and he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. 

“Baby, look at me okay, look.” She did and it broke him. “Yes, we lied, but the reason we lied… we wanted you to live a normal life. As much as possible, we didn’t want  _ you  _ to have to lie. Every day out in the world having this on your mind? That wouldn’t have been fair. It still isn’t fair.”

“When were you guys going to tell me?” 

He smiled through his sadness.

“Your mom suggested our death beds, but realistically…” 

She laughed then and he clinged to the idea of there being hope that she’d accept this. She sat down then and he took a soft seat next to her.

“It’s a lot, kid. I know that. I’m in this and sometimes it’s a lot for me too.” 

“Really?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“Anything else then?” she asked with her usual sass seeping through. Bucky laughed then.

“You can’t know everything about people, Bella. Everyone has secrets - but this was probably the biggest thing, maybe ever.” 

She smiled as he wiped her tears. She clasped her hands together then, a trait of Peggy’s.

“I’m not sure how to feel about all of this, Dad.”

“That’s okay, you don’t have to know right now, or tomorrow, or even next week.” he nudged her, “but I’m going to need you to eventually talk to Steve and your mom - when you’re ready.” She nodded softly then. 

“Okay.”

He nudged her.

“We’ll be down stairs if you need us … and we hope you do.” he kissed her gently on her temple before he left. And if he went down stairs and fell into a huggle with his people, she never needed to know that.

“You okay Buck?” Steve asked on one side of his couch huggle, but he and Peggy were clinging to a drained Bucky. His face in the crook of her neck his hand in one of Steve’s.

“Uh-huh…” he pushed out.

“Is our girl okay?” Peggy asked and it caused him to look her in the eye, no matter how exhausted he was.

“She will be.”

******

There were a couple of days of silent meals, and coming home later and later from school to spend the night locked in her bedroom, but they had expected that. They all desperately wanted to make things right for her, to take away her confusion, to just let her be a kid again. But, life was hard in a lot more ways for a lot more people, and they were doing their best - at least they thought, by giving her some space. It was breaking Peggy’s heart to get the silent treatment from her daughter, but she knew too that it would just take time. 

Steve on the other hand never really could mind his own business, by his own admission, he saw a problem - even one that wasn’t his own, and of course he wanted to charge in and fix it. Which was how he ended up outside Isabella’s school at the end of the fourth day of silence. 

He saw her walk out with a gaggle of her friends, who all eyed Steve first and nudged her. She tucked her hair behind her in the way she always did when she was embarrassed. Steve was there leaning on his bike, leather jacket in hand, artfully ignoring all the mom’s at the gate in their cars or standing in gangs. When she walked out her friend walked up to Steve with her, for a second he was expecting to get read the riot act by both of them, that maybe Bella had told.

But he knew she was a good kid, she wouldn’t have told.

“Hey Bells, Hi Macey.”

“Hi Mr Rogers how’re you?” The little brown girl with the big brown eyes and kind face countered. He liked Macey she was a good kid, Bella needed  to be around more good kids.

“I’m good Macey, I was hoping I could borrow Bella for a bit though if you don’t mind?” he smiled looking at them both. 

“You’re so lucky.” he heard her whisper to Bella as she passed. 

“Sure thing Mr Rogers, see you tomorrow Bel.”

“Bye.” Bella returned before eyeing Steve.

“What are you doing here?” Still defensive, but that was to be expected.

“I was hoping you’d wanna take a ride with me?”

She eyed the bike, she really did love the bike, he was using that against her he hoped.

“Where are we going?”

Steve shrugged.

“I don’t know yet.” he handed her the helmet, and she sighed, yeah she wasn’t a fan of the helmet but thems the breaks.

She gingerly got on the bike behind him and latched on. The feeling of apprehension was palpable. But he was hoping to break the ice a little with some one on one.

He rode the bike just how she liked, fast and a little reckless, a secret they’d never really told Peggy. As far as she knew he kept to the speed limit and she was basically in body armour. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew the line to never cross and always kept to it. He’d been driving for about twenty minutes when they pulled in and parked. 

When she took her helmet off she eyed the ice-cream place.

“Really?”

“Eh, it’s hot outside.” he took steps off the sidewalk.

“You comin’?” he called back, as she stood there in a bit of a huff. 

She followed a few seconds later.

************

“I know what you’re doing you know.” She said licking the ice-cream again, they were both sat under a big old oak across from the shop. Both of them sitting the same, legs crossed out in front of themselves, helmets by their sides.

“Oh, and what’s that?”

“Bribing me.”

“Bribing you?!” Steve laughed.

“Yep. You think I don’t remember but I do. You and dad would do this all the time with ice-cream and cake when Mom was out of town. I was little but I remember.”

Steve looked at her then.

“What else do you remember?”

She shrugged, concentrating on her treat.

“I remember things now that make sense, that didn’t before… Or I had just … forgotten them somehow. Like, you and my dad, one time I walked into the kitchen, I think I maybe six, or seven. You were both cooking breakfast and Mom was sitting at the table and Dad … he walked up behind you and kissed you on the cheek and stole some bacon. You laughed and turned and kissed him back.”

Steve’s heart was in his throat.

“I thought nothing of it before, just that you were silly… now it makes more sense. A lot of stuff does.” 

“How does that make you feel?”

“Kinda crummy.”

“Oh.” He wanted to try and make her feel better, not worse.

“For you, mostly.” she sighed, finishing off the sprinkles on her cone.

“Me?!”

She looked at him then and she was the image of Bucky’s sister, mixed with Peggy somehow.

“Well, yeah. I mean they got to get married and got to have me, and you didn’t get to do that, so it’s shitty for you - hiding what you guys have, not just from me but you know…” she gestured to the park, meaning the world.

“You know I might not be your father Bella but I don’t love you any less, you know that right?”

She nodded.

“You know what one of my favorite memories of little you is?” Steve kept going, why he wasn’t sure, but he was feeling nostalgic for the days when it was a little more simple to keep her innocent and safe.

“We went to the MET like we did, and walked around and we made up the stories like we did -” he smiled, “of sword fights and princesses and all that good stuff, you loved it, really.” Steve gestured wildly, she smiled, he counted that as a mini win. “You were almost six, a point you made to everyone you met that day.”

She smiled again.

“Anyway, afterward we went for pancakes because you wanted pancakes for dinner.”

“I was wearing my blue sweater.” she said, out of nowhere. And yes. She was.

“Yeah.”

Nodding she finished the story. “And I said that even though you weren’t my  _ real  _ Dad that you were the best-est _second_ dad ever, and if I had to  _ choose  _ one to be my second dad, it’d be you.”

Steve smiled, finishing off his cone.

“Yeah. It made my year to hear you say that, it was as if, regardless of love, or genetics or whatever it was, you were this great little kid and you  _ chose  _ me. It meant a lot.”

She nudged closer to him then, she too was finished her cone and they sat silently for a while just people watching.

“It’s still true, Steve.” She said and she sounded so grown up, and sad that it broke his heart all over again.

“What’s true?”

“I’d still choose you.”

He beamed then, unable to help himself.

She sombred. “I still don’t know -”

“That’s normal I figure...”

“I can’t talk to mom about it so easy it… it’s harder with her... I don't know  _ why _ .”

Steve figured it was a woman thing, their bond was undoubtedly strong, and this was just like ripping the rug out from under it for a minute.

“That’s okay.” He moved to stand then, and held out a hand internally happy she grabbed him back. “Just know she loves you _so_ much, that she wants to … make this right with you, but she understands it’ll take time. She’s kind of amazing, you know?”

Bella rolled her eyes.

“How did I not spot this sooner, honestly.” she muttered making him smile as he handed her back the helmet.

“Either way, we’re here. All of us, whenever you’re ready. We’ll be here.”

Reaching down for her helmet, spinning it in her hands, she decided for them.

“Let’s go home?”

It was a start, and for that he was utterly relieved.

 

 

 

 

A/N: My fancast of Bella btw for visuals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS. I would LOVE to hear from you! <33


	52. Like Mother, Like Daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the outcome of the secret weighing heavy on their souls, the Carter-Barnes Ladies just need a little um, bonding time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update in just under a month! Not TOTALLY sucking right now \o/

Peggy was sitting at her desk, in her office, at home. She liked working from there, in her soft slacks, and one of Steve’s old ratty t-shirts. The clock on the wall the only real sound in the room, her hearing enhanced as it was lead sometimes to her needing as much silence as was possible. She knew that her men were sometimes the same, that sometimes everything just got a little _too_ loud, a little _too_ much.

But, for the most part, they could handle anything by now.

It was a typical Saturday as far as she was concerned, the boys were out and about, Bella was due home from her friend’s place any minute; and Peggy had very neat and constantly mounting piles of work on each side of her desk.  

She glanced at it with a sigh.

And then around her office walls, some of Steve’s art hung there, abstracts of the three of them, erotic art if you looked hard enough, but people rarely did; sitting alongside some of her favourite memories.

Her parents in one frame, a photo of everyone on their wedding day - Steve and Bucky looking so handsome, laughing at something Peggy had said - a candid moment that she loved in another. One with Maria, Tony and Angie in LA the previous summer, they cherished their catch ups now, and Peggy adored seeing her Godson when she could. With Angie married and with a child of her own, as well as a Hollywood career, it was always a good time when they carved out the one week a year.

Her eyes shifted to the table by the window then. There sat many imagines of her baby, with her dad when she was four, with her Steve when she was five and still small enough to fit inside the shield with Steve and use it as a snow toboggan, then with all three of them together at the beach when she was ten, before posing for photos began a source of annoyance for her.

Still they were memories that made her smile.

When she came home, so long ago now, after everything had changed so drastically, after she lost their baby - after it was taken, like so much was taken from her then - she somehow gained strengths and abilities she never wanted, nor asked for, when she finally began the healing process - she decided that doing good, wherever she could, was better than doing nothing at all but not through abilities forced upon her, but with her own heart, her own soul.  

She started slow, slow and local, decided to put some of her money together and open a Crisis Refuge in Brooklyn, with focus on women and the Gay and Lesbian community. She started with herself, Steve and Bucky as well as two other ex SHIELD agents, and Maria Stark, and Maria Stark’s money; and from there, somehow they found their feet. With weekly therapy, and the gracious voluntary services of so many of her friends at SHIELD the center was up and running in just a year. Some of her most favourite memories of Bella were there as a little girl, with all the other kids, just simply being kids. No idea of the pains unfolding and healing around them. She had wished for so long to keep the pains of the world away from her child, but as it happens, they do grow up so fast.

When Bella was old enough though she too was put to work, laundry, folding, and making the beds in the emergency accommodation rooms. Not her favourite thing in the world, but Bucky and Steve agreed that it reminded her exactly how lucky she was and what she had in life. She couldn’t have agreed with them more.

Eventually as she was known to do, Peggy grew restless. Being ‘mom’ was favourite job, and running the center until they found people willing to do an even more dedicated job than even Peggy could, saw her at an impasse.  And so, SHIELD once again, came a calling, in a capacity that allowed her raise her child, continue her relationships, and shape the minds of future SHIELD Agents - as Dean of the New York SHIELD Academy.

It was the perfect compromise. It kept Director Fury happy, it kept Steve professionally happy, as Peggy became clearance having personnel once more, and personally it kept both her men happy as she was based in Manhattan on a daily basis.  

Two years later, Bucky followed, finishing off his degree, and going on to get his teaching degree, because, despite his protests, he was a fantastic mentor, and a complete and utter history buff.

Oh, and he still kicked some serious ass. An accidental inspiration, he so humbly would call himself.

As a fellow NYSA employee, it gave Peggy a great thrill to be working within walking distance of her guys - Bucky across the campus, Steve a few blocks away at the SHIELD NY HQ.

She had just finished up her latest paperwork when she heard the front door slam.

“I’m home.” Came her daughter’s voice.

Peggy walked to her office door, two staircases up.

“It’s only me that’s home, Sweetheart.”

“Oh.” she heard her daughter mumble, she shouldn’t have been able to hear it, but she shouldn’t be able to do a lot of things.

Footsteps stopped on the second floor, and her bedroom door closed quietly.

Peggy sighed to herself, standing at the railings of the staircase. She hated how things were now, Isabella had a lot to digest that was true, so much more than Peggy had wanted for her at such a young age, but they were where they were, and that was that. Bella had given in, and spoken to her father of course, she had even seemingly gotten back on an even keel with her Stevie. But her own mother? Not so much. Peggy was still being frozen out.

In a way she understood it, they were women, their bond was a lot different. She had grew, carried and birthed her- it didn’t mean she had to like being frozen out, but it also didn’t mean she couldn’t see her daughter’s side of it.

Isabella had always held Peggy in a different league than her dad's’ - whether she realised it or not, she looked up to Peggy - she thought her mom was perfect at everything, a notion Peggy knew age would cure her of, but it just hurt her that it had to be so soon. Peggy was far from perfect, but to shatter the image in her daughter’s mind so soon, it stung.

So, she decided to, once again, risk being ignored and paced down to Isabella’s room, knocking and waiting until she heard a signal to come in. When she did her daughter was sitting on her bed, the radio on, reading one of her magazines.

“Hi.” Peggy started, hating the awkwardness already.

“Hey.” Bella said back, monotone and without looking up.

Peggy felt the freeze at the door.

“So is this how it’s going to be forever then?” A low blow, but she was frustrated. It had been over a month of nonsensical silence. Her daughter simply glared at her, her father’s glare, her pout.

“No …”

“I’m still your mum you know.”

“I know…”  she sighed then, closing her book and sitting up. “That’s the problem.”

Peggy cocked a brow, and sat on her bed next to her daughter.

“How so?”

“You’re you.”

So crystal clear, thank you, Darling.

“Uh huh?” Peggy answered eloquently.

“I mean, I just… It’s a lot to take in you know?”

“Of course it is, and I don’t expect you to … to understand it all right away.”

“I understand it just fine, Mom.” She rolled her eyes like the professional teenager she was.

“You do?”

“You guys are all stupid and in love, I get it.” she shrugged. “I mean when you really look at things, it’s obvious, _real_ obvious... “ she swore she saw a blush in her daughter’s cheeks. She reached out to touch her there, and she was a little warm. Peggy hoped she wasn’t taking the flu…

“But it’s just a lot. You’re always just so - So … you know? And I get it, but I just don’t feel okay with it all just yet.”

They had been careful around her still, even though she ‘knew’ now, it didn’t mean all of them were ready to be open and comfortable cuddling, or kissing in front of her.

“Can I ask why?”

“Because... just because I know the truth ...doesn’t take away from all the lies.”

And that, that hit Peggy harder than anything else.

They had always, weirdly, prided themselves on being as honest about the world with her as they could. Issues of racism, sexism, classism, all the ism’s really. They had taught her from a young age how important it was to be honest, with herself, with others, with them. All the while they had kept hidden this massive part of themselves. For good reason, but still, the sting still stung. And Peggy knew Bella now resented Peggy more than the guys because _she_ had always preached the importance of _women_ being there for each other more than anything else.

“I see.”

“Maybe one day, and probably soon, I don’t know… just -”

At that the lights on the upper levels of the house started faintly flashing. Peggy instantly froze, knowing what just got activated.

“Fuck.” she said under her breath, her daughter stiff straight eyes wide.

“Mom?”

“Bella, I need you to -” she could hear the footfall of whomever was in the house,  basement level, more than three of them as far as she could tell.  “I need you to go upstairs, into my office, and I need you to go into my closet - inside, at the back, there’s a door, it slides to the left do you hear me?”

Her kid looked terrified, clearly sensing what was going on with Peggy.

“I need you to slide it open on the other side, it will take you out into Steve’s office -”

“Mom!?”

“I need you to do that, do you hear me?”

She nodded.

“I _need_ you to call SHIELD HQ, it’s the first number on Steve’s rolodex, when they pick up I need you to ask for Clean Up, and just say by Peggy’s request, got that?”

Her girl, now ghost white nodded once more, the men were at the living room level.

She hugged her daughter as fast and as hard as she could.

“Go, and don’t come back in, no matter what you hear, okay?”

She ran, and her footsteps made no sound. Sometimes Peggy forgot the subtle things they had taught her. Before Peggy herself slid silently into the hallway, reaching for her loaded gun that was stuck to the underside of the antique table that held their family photos.

It was three men, she could sense that much, three very dumb men trapped inside that house - with her.

****

 

Steve loved the summer in New York.

Now.

 _Before_ he had hated it, as he had hated all seasons as they had all come with their extremes when you lived in utter poverty with a list of health problems as long as his legs were now.

But now he loved it.

It was getting hotter now, and most people were heading off on vacation here or there, anything to get out of the city. And he had hoped they could finally make the trip to the beach house, the one he’d had his eye on every time they went to Cape Cod. And with his bonus at work, meant he could finally secure but with work it also mean not as much time there as he’d want. They weren’t rich now, by any means, but they had money, and Peggy taught both of them wisely about investments - apparently you really didn’t spend that much time around Howard Stark without learning a thing or five about money. She was a secret wizz at investment banking they had learned, dipping parts of their savings and pensions into things like Kodak, Xerox and Coke a Cola to name but a few.  

Summer though, also meant lazy dates. Lazy dates with Bucky where no one really batted an eyelid at two guys just laying enjoying the sun in the park, everyone else was doing it. Even Captain America - the few looks of recognition always came with stuttered thanks from people old enough to remember the war, or salutes from under kids who knew his comics.

He got to spend time alone with his guy, and even after all their lives together, it still thrilled him when Bucky’s hand would brush up against his under a table and they’d just sit, in peace. Him with his beer, Bucky with his whiskey. Taking in their surroundings. Their date this time was slow and relaxed, just taking in the city around them, from Central Park, before they found their way to their favourite dollar pizza before heading to the bar for a drink or three. Peaceful. It was really key when either of them had time off,  time alone.

“I’m just saying if I see that kid hanging around her again I’m going to say something.” Bucky muttered finishing off his last drink, making Steve laugh.

“They’re innocent kids, Buck.”

“They are _not_. Do you remember what we were doin’ at that age?” He asked, a brow cocked. Steve fought off the urge to look around, only they knew that the ‘we’ meant together, not that anyone in the half empty bar even looked up anyway.

“She’s a good kid. She -”

“I know, I just worry, you know?”

“Because you know what _you_ were doing to the daughter’s of Brooklyn not too long ago?”

That got Steve a kick under the table and he enjoyed the scowl on Bucky’s face far too much.

“It’s karma, Pal.” he sank the last of his drink too, standing and patting Bucky on the shoulder. “Come on let’s get home huh?”

“Yeah, karma....” If Steve noticed how stricken his guy looked he ignored it, he knew their kid was head strong and had a greater sense of self than anyone he’d ever known, and to him she was still a little kid. He knew she could handle herself.

Or any other little punk that came along.

*********

Peggy was pissed off.

Who did they think they were, coming into her home like that? Attempting her murder her, like that. Knocking over her antique lamp from San Francisco _like that_! She drop kicked the second guy before he got a jump on her, a rookie move on her part, as she attempted to not knock over her freshly dusted photo frames. Instead, he got her to the ground - he was big, fat, heavy, but had a shit ton of muscle behind, he sat on her chest the big ox, his meaty, sweaty hands around her neck, attempting to strangle the life out of her. If she could have, she would have laughed. A rookie move on his part, because little did he know she’s spent the last two decades or so at the mercy of Steve Roger’s breathplay kinks,  she was a motherfucking professional at this, and could hold her breath longer than most people, thanks to her enhancements.

She let him think he had for, for half a second, and when that smug look crossed his face, as she pretended to choke, she sank her fingernails from her one free hand into his eyeball making him fall back, blinded and writhing in pain.  

But then her cockiness got the better of her, because there was another, another man she hadn’t accounted for. He had waited it seemed, until the rest had won or lost  and it blindsided her - hands were one thing, a steel wire was another thing entirely.

 _Fuck_.

The sharp wire dug into her neck as he dragged her backwards, from  the livingroom to the kitchen.

“Where’s the girl? We saw her come in - she’s not here - where is she?”

Peggy was a little busy trying to stop her head from getting sliced off, her fingers bleeding around the wire, her neck too, he yanked again and she gasped.

“Bitch. Answer me.”

If she could have rolled her eyes, she would have.

She could feel the adrenaline wearing off, she could feel her heart slowing down. She couldn’t breathe now, for real this time, and it was taking it’s toll.

_It was killing her._

Before she gasped again she heard a very shaky “Hey!”

The man stopped what he was doing, and it allowed Peggy to look in the same direction, though she knew who it was and she wanted to shake her.

“Bella -” Peggy choked out as the man laughed.

“There you are little girl. I was wondering when we’d get to play.”

Except Bella was standing there, behind Steve’s shield. Looking every inch the terrified teenager she was, but with a resolve on her face.

“Get the FUCK away from my mother.” she spat as Peggy attempted to loosen the wire - the man yanked harder.

“No.” he said with a laugh. “What you going to do what with shield huh? You aren’t strong enough to touch me.” at that his boot hit Peggy in the stomach and she gasped as he leaned in to her.

“But I fully intend to take my time with her, if it helps to know that, Carter.”

As he straightened himself up, still holding Peggy’s life in his hands - like a dog on a leash.

“ _I said,_ leave my mom alone you big asshole.” Bella bit back again, this time her voice even shakier. God she was desperate to get her child out of here. But she was unable to move, or risk him fully slicing her throat.

The man said nothing, but smirked and before he spoke again Peggy hard a gunshot and then the man’s screams as the wire around her neck loosened as he lost his grip.

_She had shot him in the knee cap!_

“Steve always said it was important to carry something to protect yourself, and others -” another shot went off - his screams intensified.

His other knee from the sounds of it.

“But my Dad always said a fully loaded weapon wasn’t a bad option either.” Bella spoke with tears in her eyes, a shake in her hand and the look of sheer fear on her face. “And my mom always says it’s rude to come into  anyone’s house uninvited, _dipshit_!” Peggy knew she was gearing up for one last shot and she couldn’t let her daughter do it. She wouldn’t let her do it.

“Bella no, give me the gun! Give it to me, please!” Peggy held out a bloodied hand, she was weak, and maybe she would die from her wounds, but she couldn’t let her daughter have the murder of human life - no matter how vile- on her hands.

“Close your eyes, please sweetheart,  -”

She did, in fact she raised the shield to make sure and when she did Peggy turned to the man, her on her knees, him writhing on the floor.

“ _Heil_ -” he attempted, but no, _not today_ Buddy.

She didn’t give it a second thought before she put a bullet in his head. That’s when her daughter’s sobs broke her out of her stupor. She needed to live.

“Bella, baby come here, come here my darling.”

Her girl ran and hugged her tight and with all her might she hugged back.

“Are you alright?” Peggy asked and a teary eyed Bella looked up.

“I’m … ok…. you’re bleeding-”

“Yes, rather a lot, and this rug was really expensive so if you could get me a wet cloth and maybe an ambulance -” Peggy added as if they were adding things to a grocery list. She was still struggling for breath as the front door burst open - and for half a second Peggy expected another round of Hydra men.

Except it wasn’t.

It was _her_ men.

It was a blur how they came to her, how she was surrounded by them in seconds, Steve holding her, Bucky examining her, both of them then kissing her cheeks, her hair, in between checking her for more bleeding - as she informed them she was fine. Mutterings of Jesus and Christ and Fuck and Sake, it was all lost on Peggy. As all three of them looked up to see Bella standing, a smile on her face, wet cloth in hand. Peggy was beginning to pass out from the blood loss, but she needed to know that her girl was okay, and when she saw the relief on her face Peggy knew she’d be fine. It would be a miracle and they’d probably have to send her to a shrink, sooner or later, but she was alive, unscathed, and smiling, as Bucky placed the cloth on Peggy’s neck for Bella.

“I love you guys _so_ much,” Bella said, but looking at her mom, at that Peggy was delirious, and not just from the blood loss.

“Even me?” she added.

Her daughter rolled her eyes, “Mom you’re a fucking bad-ass… You’re amazing I … and yes. Definitely even you, oh my GOD.” She moved to squeeze her mother tight, and at that Peggy may, or may not have blacked out. But not before she spoke again.

“So Steve, that Beach House of ours… sounds like a good move for the summer huh?”

He smiled through the worry, that little wrinkle in his forehead as he cradled her head.

“Yeah Peg, anything you want. Just hold on, okay?”

She could do that. With them holding on to her, she could totally do that.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you like, consider[ a reblog of my edit ](http://chaneladdict.tumblr.com/post/164580831612):D xo 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They grow up so fast don't they? *Tear*. Speaking of which, if you follow me on tumblr you'd know that I'm planning on wrapping this story up in the next five chapters or so. Now, if I ACTUALLY get it done in that time, I'll be shocked. But it's about that time folks, and really this story is too long for any real human consumption at this point, so yeah, it's tiiieeem.! But I love hearing from you always so have at it! <3


	53. Flying the nest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all you need is a little domesticated OT3.

When Bella turns sixteen two things start to happen, one, a gaggle of teen girls suddenly live in their house half the time from then on in, and two, where teenage girls are, teenage boys are sure to follow. Not that the second thing really worried them, the reputation of Peggy scared the kids shitless, never mind Isabella’s father and her protective patriotic ‘Uncle’ next door. 

But the girls, that’s what worried Bucky. 

Or at least, it didn’t at first, but then it really,  _ really  _ did.

*******

“Hey girls,” he waved from the kitchen as he saw at least four of them bundle in from the cold from down the hall in the kitchen to the front door.

“Hi, Mr Barnes,” one of them called out high-pitched and kind of breathless and Bella just sighed before whispering something to them and they went upstairs without her, she came into the kitchen.

“You girls hungry, there’s a ton of food here,” he offered as he finished up. 

“Nah, we’re good for now, we’re just working on a group project... it’s due on Friday.” She said, hopping up on the counter, something her mother would side eye her for.

“But  _ dad _ , can you not come up stairs while they’re here?”

“Huh?”

“Upstairs, can you leave us alone?”

“Uh,” he looked at her strangely then, he always did? “Don’t I always?”

“Well, yeah,” she rolled her eyes, “but like, for real this time? It’s just you know…”

“You embarrassed to have your old man around, Bella?  _ Aw _ .” He added before patting her on the head. To which she just rolled her eyes and jumped off the counter. No regard for her skirt or socks or anything. 

“No … it’s not me.”

“Oh, so it’s them?  _ They  _ don’t like  _ me _ ?” that kind of made sense, didn’t teenagers hate everyone? But he was nice to them, Steve was nice, Peggy was freaking  _ adorable  _ to them, what the hell,  _ children _ !?

“No …” at that, she started to fidget with the hem of her sweater, “it’s not that it’s just, you know just …”

“No, I don’t know until you say the words, Bells.”

At that she sighed dramatically. 

“God, never mind just stay down here okay? Please?”

“Alright, I swear, but okay here,” He moved to the fridge where he’d had the sandwiches wrapped on a plate. “Take these and some juices okay? What? If you want me to stay out of the way at least let me make sure you’re fed first?”

“Fine, okay, thank you.” She took them then with ease, before coming back and standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “You’re great, you know?”

“Mmmhmm. Just your  _ friends  _ don’t think so!” 

Except it wasn’t that at all, which he learned over the next few days as they dropped by again and again.

One time, when Bella was at the store with her mother, so he just let them in, as he would normally, even suggested they wait in her room – and then thought it better they agreed to sit in the living room. 

He thought nothing of it, not really. Except they were … interested. Overly so, in him. They kept asking him questions about his time at war, and how he was now, and ‘oh my god’ was a reaction to a lot of what said, but he figured it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe the kids just liked war stories?

That was until Bella came home with a face like thunder when she saw them talking to him.

He questioned Peggy but she had even less of clue than he did. 

It wasn’t until they left that afternoon that he got his answer. 

“So embarrassing!” Bella ranted to herself in the hall, both Bucky and Peggy – and now Steve who had joined them and was watching TV too, looked up.

“What’s embarrassing?” Steve asked, unaware of the tension surround her and her friends that week.

“You guys!!”

At that the threesome looked perplexed at each other.

“What did we do...now?” Peggy asked, patting the seat beside her on one of the sofas, their daughter took it. “Isabella?”

“Just okay, so  _ ugh _ ,” she began without saying anything substantial. “We’re learning about you guys in history class, all about the war and whatever, and then Steve. And then Steve and The Commandos, so it’s lots of chatter about  _ you two, _ ” pointing at Bucky and Steve before sitting back, letting Peggy pet her hair and hug her close, that was a bad sign. “Honestly, how did  _ nobody  _ catch on?”

“Pardon me?” Steve asked, surprised. 

“About you two, seriously you  _ looked  _ at each other in official photos! Like you’d both fallen from heaven! It’s so obvious!” she rolled her eyes. “Besides, now they see all the photos and it’s like ‘oh they’re so dreamy...  _ ick _ !’.” She ended with a huff, folding her arms. Peggy looked to her guys, a smirk on her lips. 

“Darling, it’s not so bad, and really it’s only obvious because you know.”

“Sure, fine, I suppose, but God. It’s …okay, so, you’re not like other parents, I’ve  _ accepted  _ that. But –“

“What do you mean we’re not like other parents?” Bucky butted in, kind of annoyed, they were plenty parental, thank you.

“Uh, well for starters my mom has two husbands, my dad has a husband and my uncle is really sorta my Step-Dad twice over slash Godfather. So??”

He waved a hand, ignoring Steve’s laugh.

“Sorry, continue.” 

“But, I’ve accepted the weirdness, you know? Mostly you guys are chill, everyone says so, literally, all my friends say you’re so much cooler than their folks.” 

Steve preened at that.

“Hear that, we’re cool.” He wiggled his brows at Peggy who just cackled. 

“And that’s not good, Darling?” Peggy asked when she got a hold of herself.

“No!” Bella exclaimed, sinking back into the seat.

“Isn’t being cool … a good thing?” Bucky asked.

“Sure, but the kind of cool where they let you go to the drive-in with a boy –“

“ _ No _ –“Bucky attempted but she just kept talking over him. 

“Or let you stay up late on a school night or something that’s normal cool, but you guys, I mean come on. Becky is always swooning over Steve, now Stella is moon eyed over dad and frankly I think Beth fancies mum.” Her accent got decidedly Peggy at the end of her sentence, something’s that slipped through and Steve adored it. “It’s just horrible.” 

“And it’s whatever you know? I get it, ever y family has secrets and that’s fine. Like Becky’s dad is an alcoholic who I’m pretty sure beats her mom, but they never say anything – so it could be a lot worse than just you guys being all stupid and in love, so I GET IT, but it’s just weird.”

“Hey now, it’s harmless, really sweetie.” Peg attempted to sooth her but she still had what she called her ‘scrunchy face’ on. “It is. Everyone gets crushes. I’m sure you have your crushes on people?” Peggy asked nonchalantly but it made their kid turn pink.

“But not on my friend’s parents, it’s just creepy!”

“We’re... sorry?” Bucky asked, confusion rife in his tone, it made Steve laugh.

“So you should be,  _ honestly _ , even Mrs Franklyn swoons when she talks about you guys, it’s so wrong!” 

Steve was blushing, Bucky was trying to hold in a giggle, and Peggy just looked concerned.

“What do you want us to do?”

Their kid shrugged.

“Nothing you can do I guess, we just have to wait it out and wait until we move on to the Russians.” 

Bucky and Steve shared a smirk.

Peggy hugged her then before whispering.

“What’s Becky’s father’s name?”

“Mom  _ no _ .” 

Peggy just sighed.

“Fine.” Before hugging her once more. 

If Becky’s dad disappeared to a rehab a week later, Peggy was sure she knew nothing as to what possible event that may have …frightened him into getting help. Nothing at all!

************

 

Steve’s favourite part of any day was when he was buried deep in either his girl, or his guy. Or both. It was a much better day when it was both, but on the days that time was a factor, it was still his favourite thing. 

In fact, his top ten favourite things in the world mostly involved his loves, being naked and orgasms, but the rest of the world didn’t need to know they came after all of that. 

Way after all of that. 

Her thighs were trembling from Steve’s lips and tongue, his fingers grasping into her legs, holding her open. She’d have his marks on her; for at least a few hours afterward. She’d wear them proudly, as always. She looked down at him, her eyes darkening as he watched Steve then move on to her breasts, her hands lazily tangled in his longer blond hair, her skin on fire from his soft beard as he sucked a nipple into his mouth, biting just so to make her squirm.

“Please,” she begged as she arched her back. “God, Steve,  _ please! _ ”

Sliding two fingers inside her then, feeling her flutter and writhe around him. 

“Christ!” she yelled, before shifting so fast, her patience utterly spent, and flipping Steve over on to his back. No easy feat, even at times for her, but two orgasms in, Steve was a real easy target.

“I told you we didn’t have _time_ for fancy.”

“I’ve made you come -”

“Still, no time for fancy. I’ve all that food to prepare and fix up the guest rooms for Angie and Paul, and find Tony’s favourite soda.”

Steve Rogers would never buy that she didn’t love what his mouth did to her, or that he took his sweet time to make sure what he was doing was done right. But, he still let her pin him down, as she fucked him into the mattress. 

Any stress, anger and frustrations of their day being taken out in the best way possible. He sat up, pulling her flush to his chest as she rode him, making his toes curl. She’d pet his hair, touch his face, kiss him over and over before she came again, and he’d keep on keeping on until he met the same end, even though by then she’d claw at him, being too stimulated. He never minded, he wore her claw marks with pride too, within the walls of their home anyway.

“Mmm.” he said as she shifted to his side, snuggling in for all her worth.

“Mmm indeed.” She kissed his chest. 

They’d been dozing for maybe ten minutes when they heard Bucky come in, shuffling in the hallway before making his way up the stairs.

“Aw man, I missed the show huh?” he said, standing at the doorway of their bedroom.

“Where’s Isabella?” Steve asked, as Bucky kicked off his shoes.

“She abandoned me on Fifth, after she got her Graduation money, it was like ‘Okay dad BYE’. I mean, a little faking it would have been nice you know, she  _ is  _ abandoning us  _ forever _ .” 

He was down to his skivvies by the time his rant was over, Peggy and Steve glanced at each other with a smirk before glancing back at their guy. He wasn’t dealing too well with his daughter turning eighteen, graduating and heading off to Oxford. They were insanely proud, Peggy cried, Bucky pretended he didn’t cry, and Steve ugly cried to point where their kid just walked away when she got her letter of acceptance. 

Abandoning was Bucky’s word of the week.

“Aw  _ honey _ ,” Peggy dragged out, fake and utterly mocking, “are you sad your little girl is just flying the nest.”

Bucky sighed, there may have been a little pout. It made Steve laugh. Before he answered he all but threw himself on top of his people. On top of the quilt and everything. squishing them completely, face down between them.

“Maybe a little,” came his muffled reply. Lifting his head, as Peggy started petting his hair. “Why Oxford? What’s wrong with NYU or hell, even Harvard is driving distance. But Oxford, fulla posh, stick up the ass English people?” at that Peggy yanked on his hair, hard enough for him to lift his head with a yelp.

“Excuse the fuck out of me?”

“Not _YOU_!”

“Oh?! But just everyone like me, huh?” 

“No-”

“Well, I  _ was  _ going to fix your woes with a rather epic blow job and maybe a little of something else you like, but frankly the only thing that will be up my ass is  _ apparently  _ the STICK that lives there  -”

Steve watched them both, they weren’t serious, Peggy wasn’t really mad, but she was a little and Bucky’d pay for it when they _did_ get around to sex.

Which they absolutely were gonna do, as soon as they finished arguing, as always. 

All three of them were pity partying it in private before her public Grad Party planned for that weekend. Family flying in, a whole hoopla they knew she’d hate, but it was their last weekend with her living at home. They all hated the thought of Bella being so far away, but it was her choice and they respected that, and her ability to work so hard, to get the grades for such a school. She never wanted a to be a part of SHIELD, not interested in government, or anything along those lines, and certainly not interested in a school that her mother ran. She really was putting an ocean between her parents and herself, and Steve figured maybe that was normal. All three of them cast a large shadow, and it was her turn to make her own mark on the world, which Steve was convinced she would. Hell, she already had as far as he was concerned, just by being their kid.

When they stopped ranting, Bucky was allowed into bed, and eventually,  _ eventually _ , Peggy gave in too, snuggle fucking their husbands’ sadness away, at least for a little while longer. 

She was still too good for both men and they’d happily admit any day of the week with a smile.

*********

Packing was still something Peggy loved, her daughter less so. Her bedroom was a bombsite, and Peggy dreaded to think what she’d have forgotten if her mother wasn’t around. Finding her sitting on her bed, a nostalgic look on her face though, knocked Peggy out of her tidy-mode.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, good, sorta … I mean just remembering some stuff.”

“Good stuff though right?” Peggy asked tentatively, sitting next to her kid.  She was looking through old scrapbooks. There was a photo of everyone in her hand. Her, Peggy, Bucky, Steve, Maria, Tony, Jarvis, Ana, DumDum, Frenchie, Angie and Paul. Peggy knew it had been Christmas the year Bella was nine. It made her smile too.

“Of course Tony is giving a peace sign.” Bella stated, exasperated with a smile, putting it into her smaller album, one she planned on taking with her.

“Of course.” Peggy laughed, though she did worry for her Godson. He wasn’t a ‘normal’ boy, and as much as his mother … and as far as she knew, his father (though they never saw him, probably about as much as Tony did!) pushed for his genius, sometimes Peggy would push back. Invite the boy for dinner, take him shopping, once or twice Bucky and Steve even attempted to take him to a baseball game. 

He scienced them out of it by the end.

Still, she smiled.

“Bella I want to give you something, it’s for … well it’s personal.”

Her daughter scrunched her eyebrows.

“But you guys already gave me my presents.” she fingered the necklace on the chain around her neck, and Peggy noted she was wearing the ring too. 

“Nah, this is something else.”

She lifted the knife, wrapped in a velvet cover, and dropped it softly in her daughter’s lap.

“Mom…” Of course she knew what it  was, she was never allowed to touch it as a kid!

Peggy laughed.

“The original Bella, as it were.” Isabella unwrapped it, admiring the pearl, and the detailing before smiling too, so much like her dad. 

“Seriously?” 

“Seriously. Now, I don’t want you to go stabby on anyone or everyone, just … have it around should you need it. It served me well, a time or three.” 

Before Peggy knew what was happening her kid tackled her into a hug, causing them both to fall laughing on to her unmade bed.

Yeah she’d be just fine.

***********

“You sure you’ve got everything?” Peggy asked once again, the three of them staring at their daughter, as she stood bags in hand in the middle of the airport.

“Mom, yes, for ninetieth time, I got it all.”

Peggy was crying, she was woman enough to let go of her wall, her baby was leaving home. Surprisingly, as much as they teased him, Bucky was holding up best out of the three of them. Smiling even. But, he was always good at undercover. 

“Alright kid, don’t mind the olds, you call me if you need anything, I mean anything -” Steve attempted through sad, red eyes and a overly bitten lip attempting to be a grown up about it all. 

Isabella rolled her eyes playfully, before going in for a hug.

“Love you.” She whispered to Steve, before moving to do the same to her Mom and Dad. 

“Alright this is me.” She attempted awkwardly, waving. “This is where you guys leave now, please.”

Peggy sighed, looping arms with both her guys. All three of them sad saps.

“Fine, but  -”

“I’ll call when I land, yes mom, I promise now go!” she laughed, and okay, she would be okay.

Peggy knew she’d be okay because she may or may not had plan on giving he a detail for the first month. You know, just to be safe.

And if one of the SHIELD drivers met her at the airport, well that was just a coincidence now wasn’t it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More soon!!


	54. Acceptable in the 80s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find our threesome at somewhat of a cross roads, after 40+ years together in one way or another, it was time for a little timeout. But, as we know from the past, nothing can keep these three apart for long!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per the title, we've reached the 1980s! (And it's taken me 80 years!) If you're still following this beast of a story, come say hi! It's been a while! I hope you enjoy this chapter, as my muses have been somewhat absent lately, and I'm really wanting to get this story to the finish line! I'd love to hear what you think! <3

**1984:**

It was raining in midtown and he was twenty minutes out of a class, he’d finally got his coffee and was doing his best not to get splashed by the never ending stream of speeding traffic, when it happened.

_ There she was. _

Just across the street, examining flowers by a vendor, her clear umbrella shielding her hair – it was longer now, soft looking chestnut curls down her back, she wore a beige mac and dark long boots as she picked up some purple tulips. He doesn’t remember crossing the street, but sure enough there he is, at her back. He leans in and picks up a red rose, because no one could accuse him of being anything other than cheesy as hell. He waits for her to look up and when he does – oh, it was like the first time all over again. She was beautiful and cunning and so very attractive that went deeper than how she looked.

“Hi.” He blurted still holding the rose.

Her eyes widened in shock for a second but then relaxed.

“Hi.” She mimicked both of them then standing there in shocked silence.

“I’m –“

“You’re –“

Stammering together, they laughed.

“Sorry. You go first.” He offered and she took it.

“I didn’t know you were back in town.” She admitted. 

He smiled. “Back at ya’.” 

She blushed then, running her hand to her hair.

“I got in last night, I’m staying at The Lowell.” They weren’t far from it at all, so she was picking up flowers for her room. It’s what she liked when she could have it, he knew that.

“I’ve been back a few weeks, I um, I’m staying in Tribeca.”

She looked surprised then.

“Not at the house?”

He felt embarrassed, but handed over money to the waiting vendor, for her tulips and his rose.

“No. Not at the house.” Truth was he couldn’t face it, not there, not alone.

He motioned for her to walk with him which she did, eyeing the rose which he promptly offered over.

“Beautiful rose for a beautiful lady.” He mocked with a small bow, making her giggle. God, he had missed that sound.

“You’re a fool, still, I see.”

“For you? Always.” He winked, hoping his charm was still charming. She smiled and took the flower, taking a second to smell it.

“Wanna grab a drink?” He chanced. She nodded at his coffee to which he just shrugged.

“A real one?”

That’s how less than ten minutes later, flowers on a spare seat at a table in the back of a bar in midtown a husband and wife that hadn’t seen each other in almost two years, ended up day-drinking and trading new stories.

“And so Steve, being _Steve_ just punches him with the fucking SHIELD, the guy is half ‘borg Peggy and he thinks nothing of it. Just, charges in.” He regaled arms a-flailing. Peggy was laughing so hard her sides hurt, her cheeks were blossomed a nice rosy pink too – though for that she’d blame the gin.

“And of course he reaches for Steve and just –  _ Swoosh _ . Out into the good Goddamn  _ ocean _ . I figure Steve snapped his neck because he sank like a stone, and weirdly, the shield is very buoyant.” He laughed. “Fantastic flotation device,” he downed his fifth drink then, and she noted it still had no real effect on him. She too romanticised the days where she could get fall down drunk and blame that on her awful decisions.

“I saw him at Christmas time, he came … well he came to see me in London, we spent the day shopping – the man  _ still  _ can’t pull together an outfit to save his life. He had a TV thing. It was nice.” She admitted, suddenly unable to meet his eyes. No longer with SHIELD officially, Steve now held a post with the UN. After Vietnam his mind changed on how to best serve his country.   


But when they had agreed on some time apart, she had never imagined that they too would be apart for just as long. Forty something years was a lifetime, and longer still for them. But somehow, in the there and then, the here and now, sitting with her husband, conversing so easily, being charmed so easily; she couldn’t help but feel annoyed at ever having let either of them go at all, even for a minute.

She knew why of course, romanticized notions aside.

Sometimes people, regardless of how much they loved each other, sometimes, they needed to be alone.

“He’s doing okay, busy suits him.” He commented flagging the barman for another round.

“Speaking of busy, Nick tells me you’ve been really logging the hours in at school with the kids, that’s great.”

Smiling he continued, “I like it. They’re all brats, but I love them. And, you know it feels like a slice of normal, as normal as working for SHIELD in a non-combat position will ever be... but yeah.”

Their new drinks arrived and she thanked the waitress, before he sat back in his chair and asked – “So what about you?”

“What about me?”

“You just been gardening?” He cocked a brow.

“You know that’s not true, I’ve just …been catching up on life a little. Spending time with Isabella, just finding out who I am... alone.”

He nodded.

“And what did you find?”

She laughed then, flipping hair from her face.

“That I have a horrid dislike for too much silence, and every bed feels too empty.” The pointed looked was one he understood, he felt it too now, every bed ever was always far too empty without each of them beside him.

“How is Bella?” he asked, she knew they were close; but there were still something’s she just didn’t tell her dad, either of them.

“She has a new beau.” Peggy admitted with a sly grin, the one that fell off Bucky’s face was priceless. 

“Who is he? What happened to the asshole from Oxford?”

“You really need to stop calling him that!”

“No I don’t, besides if she dumped him –“

“He dumped her.”

His grip on his glass she noticed then got tighter.

“So the asshole from Oxford really did need that ass kicking I wanted to give him.” He sighed. “Little bastard.”

“ _ Anyway _ –“ Peggy continued, “This one is lovely, his name is Rory and he’s half Irish, so Steve approves, and he’s Catholic not that that matters in the slightest but you know Steve - though non-practicing, and he’s an art history teacher at a little high school outside of Yorkshire. He’s a sweetheart, and he’s so boring it’s fantastic.”

Their life being what it was, boring and predictable was Isabella’s way of rebelling against her rather unconventional upbringing. 

All three of her parents found it hilarious of course.

“Steve’s met him?” he tried to hide the hurt, but he was sure he failed.

“No, they talked on the phone though, he was over for dinner when he called once, and Bells insisted they converse. It was hilariously awkward, but sweet.”

He raised his brows, seemingly forgetting that Peggy knew all his faces. This one was hurt but hiding it, badly.

“So... when do I get to meet him?”

She smiled.

“I’m working on that, she’s nervous of you. And with good reason.”

“Aw come on Peg, I only  _ mildly  _ threaten them…” he grinned before taking a sip of his drink. “Besides they should be more scared of you, only they don’t know it.”

“Oh please, I’m an old lady now.”

At that he gave her another pointed look. They all knew the elephant in the room that they never addressed, the fact that they – himself and Steve included, didn’t age as quickly as they should have. Or really at all, for vast periods of time. He was in his mid-sixties biologically, and yet he still didn’t look at day over thirty at times, if he shaved. She was the same, as was Steve. She looked mid-thirties max and that’s only because she power dressed and wore her hair a certain way. At some point it would need to be addressed, but he knew like them the fear of knowing was worse than the not knowing, and so they just, ignored it.

“Please, stop with the nonsense Carter.” He wriggled his eyebrows at her and she just sighed taking a healthy sip of her drink in protest. “You’re not an old lady, not even close.”

“Well –“

“Have you been seeing anyone?” he had to ask, mainly because he knew she kind of was. Their daughter was a lot of things, but a closed book wasn’t one of them, she had let slip there was someone, but that she wasn’t sure what it was. It had ate at Bucky for weeks when she’d told him two months prior to this unexpected afternoon. 

He looked to his glass, to the table, picking at the beer mat before she spoke.

“Um, well yes, in a way,” she attempted to explain with her hands.

Then he looked at her, to find her blushing. He wasn’t sure if the hurt he felt was evident but by the reaction from her when she looked at him, it was.

“Oh. That’s …Nice.” No it wasn’t nice; it was fucking horrific. He downed half his drink then.

“His name is Richard, he’s a doctor, we met at the clinic where I see –“

“Isn’t that a little _unethical_? I thought dating patients was something they discouraged, or is it different in England?”

She sighed then, sipping her drink some more.

“We only started  _ befriending  _ each other  _ after…  _  they couldn’t really do anything for me there so –“

“So where they couldn’t take care of your physiological needs he figured he give a shot at taking care of the physical?”

She gave him a sharp look then and he almost coward down.

“Are you quite finished?” she asked, taking no shit.

“Yes, sorry –“

“We haven’t … we’re not … It’s not like _that_. We’ve been on a few work functions of his, but I’m ...He’s more of a friend.” She shrugged. It was the truth, he was lovely, and great company, and in his sixties and looked it. But there wasn't anything romantic, nor would there be.   


“So, Dick doesn’t do it for you huh?” he tried not to laugh, he really did. But if they’d made it more than three dates and nothing? Yeah, he wasn’t getting any. She looked at Bucky, mad but soon crumbled into a laugh, shaking her head at his ridiculousness.

“You never change do you, James?”

He sobered then, fighting the urge to touch her.

“Do you want me to?”

She put down her glass then, without taking another drink and looked at him, really looked at him.

“No, I really don’t. It’s comforting in a way, you’re still the same in a lot of ways –“ at that she leaned forward and tucked some hair behind his ear, he had it short again, but there was a tiny peppering of grey – finally- slowly setting in. He loved that she noticed. “Even after all this time.” She smiled.

It was strange. 

When they had parted the last time, they had all agreed that some time and space was needed. He and Steve figured a month at most, and yet a month turned into two years, and he hated it, but respected them enough to respect the decision. But the way she was sitting across from him then, the way she was looking at him, the electricity that still hung in the air between them even now, it was hard to remember why they weren’t together.

“So, tell me why you’re staying in Tribeca of all places, and not the house?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” He countered.

“I’m only here until Monday, I wasn’t sure … I just wasn’t sure.”

“Of what?”

“A lot of things.”

He nodded letting it slide, as she finished up her drink.

“Why aren’t you? I always thought you said you’d rather die than live in the city.”

He grinned.

“Yeah well…”

“Well?”

“The house just … wasn’t the same. Without you two.”

She looked away then, seemingly embarrassed.

“Look, with Steve off being Captain Pain in my Ass, and you gone, and Bella globetrotting, I had work to do in LA for SHIELD, so I stayed, coming back here every few months and the idea of coming back to the empty place just didn’t sit right. So yeah, I’ve been avoiding it. Avoiding a lot of things I guess.”

“So then you … haven’t?”

“Been seeing anyone?” He laughed then, playing with the rim of his almost empty glass. “No, no I mean... I already have the perfect wife, the perfect guy… why would I look for something less than that?”

“But we agreed –“

“We agreed on time, on space, which I give, happily.” He answered honestly. “But that doesn’t mean I wanna go looking for copper when I got gold tucked away, you know?”

When he looked again she was crying, silently. No, no.

“Aw Peggy no come on you know I can’t –“

“I’m sorry no, don’t mind me it’s just … silly. I’m silly. I’m a silly bloody woman,” She added, wiping her eyes. Before leaning over unprecedented and kissing him hard on the mouth. He tasted her tears. He tasted her. The yearning he fought so hard to bank down overflowed and he just grabbed for her, kissing her harder, deeper, trying to convey everything he still felt in the hopes she’d just read his mind.

“Let’s go home, James. Please, just … take me home?”

He leaned in and kissed her again before pulling back.

“Yes Ma’am.”

************

The subway to Brooklyn as always was packed, forcing them to sit practically on top of each other, not that Peggy minded in the slightest. She had missed him, his presence, his scent, the reassuring hand on her lower back when she’d walk ahead of him. 

All of it. 

When they had agreed a break, one of the few breaks they’d had over the years - ones that lasted a week, or a weekend or a month. This one had the good intention of being ‘a little while’, only a little while had turned into, somehow, two years of the three of them in separate places. Love wasn’t meant to be easy, loving two people with all her heart was at times, utterly exhausting, she knew it to be the same for the men. Sometimes, you just needed to be alone. It was never viewed as a  _ break up _ , there was never any illwill, and when it came time, they usually came back stronger, with a fresh perspective. 

But it had been a long time now, and even when Steve had visited, things had felt different. They had made love then, but as it were it felt like there was something - or more's the point -  _ someone  _ missing. Steve had admitted as much to her, about Bucky, and to Bucky about her. 

They only worked as a trio now, and that was a scary thing to admit.

Making it work though required commitment, and steps taken to ensure its survival. By the time they were walking up the steps to their old place in Brooklyn, Peggy felt electric. She knew she wanted him, she knew she wanted nothing more than to walk in and see their Steve by the fire, book in hand. And she maybe, possibly could have that again. 

But baby steps.

Starting with not denying her feelings towards one of her husbands’ any longer. 

Both of them sitting, thigh to thigh on the packed subway, there was a young couple in front to their left, seemingly oblivious to them, cuddling, kissing intermittently, real hearts in their eyes, and it made Peggy wistful. 

She looked to Bucky who merely smirked in return, knowing he was thinking the same thing. So instead of second guessing herself, she merely leaned over and kissed him softly. She wanted to melt instantly when he sighed his happy sigh. And maybe she did, just a little.

*****

They had barely gotten the door shut but he had her pinned up against it, his coat half off, her bag on the floor. It didn’t matter that the house was musty, and unlived in, none of that mattered. They had bedded down in worse places, gotten naked in even worse again. Nothing mattered in those moments except the other. Simply pushing each other’s buttons, a system they knew like the back of their hands. And soon enough Peggy had him pinned down, on their living room floor, riding him effortlessly, feeling every inch of him inside her, his large, capable hands roaming her body for the familiar of it all. She was lost to them, she was sure she always would be. But it always took the little reminders to actually remind her, that it was something she craved.

Lying peacefully on their dusty old couch, her on top of him, both of them naked, save only for the red blanket that lived on the arm of the chair by the window; he merely revelled in threading his fingers through her hair. 

Both of them blissed out and stupid, giggling and dumb. 

She was warm and soft, and he had missed her so fucking much. 

“And then I kicked her arse and we arrested her, it was a good time.” She finished the story of the time they arrested the heiress turned terrorist who had made her way through most of London high society the year before. Sixty burglaries in all, and Scotland Yard called Peggy in as a consultant. 

He smiled. 

He knew she wasn’t just bloody growing roses. 

When she leaned up to kiss him, he took full advantage of maybe going for round three, when they heard chatter at the front door, both of them froze as it opened.

“Well, this is it, it’s probably really dusty and stuff but this is where OH MY GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD. MOM? DAD?” 

Came the shocked yells of their daughter from the doorway.

Oops.

The tall dark haired man behind her with the equally shocked expression must have been her boyfriend. At least Bucky hoped it was.

“Hi darlin’! He said, unable to keep the laugh out of his voice as he shifted. In the space of maybe five seconds Peggy had stood, covered herself in the red blanket and thrown a cushion at his groin, before he could even stand up. But he did, modesty covered. His daughter’s brain was frying; he could see that, as she just walked out and closed the door behind her. Both her and her beau standing in the hallway behind the closed door, as Peggy scrambled for their clothes.

He was still laughing when she threw his underwear at his head.

“This isn’t funny, we’ve embarrassed her.” Peggy whispered harshly.

“Damn right you have!!! Oh my GOD!!” they heard through the door.

Peggy attempted to keep her face straight as her bra went back on upside down, making Bucky giggle again.

_ “Jesus Christ.”  _

They hastily got dressed before he reopened the door to find them  both standing there, him looking sheepish, her looking more like a pissed off blue eyed version of her mom than she’d ever looked before. 

“Hi again, uh sorry about …  _ that _ . But what are you doing here?”

“Hi to you too, Dad, and also, what the hell are YOU doing here?!”

“Uh, this is  _ my  _ house.” He deadpanned before Peggy stood next to him.

“Hi Rory, nice to see you again.” She waved and he blushed. He had seen a lot of her, and he couldn’t blame the boy.

“Nice to see –“ at that Bella glared at him and he stopped. “Hi, Mrs Barnes.” 

“Mr Barnes, it’s nice to meet you –“ he reached out his hand to shake Bucky’s but Bella intervened. 

“No, they were having sex, you're not shaking hands, no I’m not thinking about this!” she put her hands in the air, “but no.”

“So you’re the new boy, huh?”

“Um,” he looked to Bella who just rolled her eyes. “Yes sir.”

Bucky nodded, could he really do the intimidating thing right when this kid had just seen his ass? Maybe, it was a good ass after all. He just smiled.

“Bella, darling, what  _ are  _ you doing here?” Peggy asked, nicer than he attempted.

Their daughter sighed.

“I WAS going to show Rory where I grew up, I WAS showing him Brooklyn and still had my keys… I DIDN’T EXPECT THIS. I MEAN,” she threw her hands up, exasperated, the four of them were still standing in the hallway. “What is this? Mom? What is this? What about Richard?”

At that Bucky took his turn to fucking sigh. 

_ Fucking Dick. _

“Sweetheart your father and I –“

“Were totally banging in there, oh my GOD. How have I  _ not  _ been in therapy my whole life?”

“It’s not too late to start –“Bucky interjected, trolling the shit out of his kid, because well, he could.

“Dad, this isn’t funny. I mean,” her face softened. “Are you guys back together now?” I mean what does this mean?”

“Well, we…” Peggy looked up at Bucky then and he down at her, her makeup dishevelled and her hair askew. God, she was adorable.

“You kind of caught us at a bad time –“

“Fucking obviously,” she snapped, but he raised his eyebrows and she cowed down. “Sorry. I’m sorry, but this is just a shock.” 

“We’re sorry you both had to … see …whatever you saw.” Peggy attempted and Bucky wanted to laugh but didn’t. Because she still hadn’t answered her first question.

“But we … haven’t discussed it.”

His heart sank.

He didn’t think there was much more discussing that needed to be had. Not after how they had just spent their afternoon, wrapped up, quite literally, in each other.

“Ok, because God… you guys… this is so messed up…” their daughter answered, flippant. Why were his women intent on breaking his heart today?

“I mean, would it be such a bad thing if we did?” Peggy asked, and his heart picked up again. 

At that she looked at her parents, then to Rory. Bucky felt sorry for him, poor bastard had no idea what was happening. 

“I mean… no? I guess not, but I thought the whole reason you all … you guys,” she corrected herself, ah, Rory wasn’t privy yet. So maybe it wasn’t so serious. “Decided that space … to grow as people wasn’t that the line?”

It was. He hated that line. 

“We did, and … we have. But, that didn’t mean we stopped loving each other, at all.” Peggy looked up to him then and smiled, her arm snaking behind his back and he exhaled. 

Thank fuck.

“And what about … other factors.” Their daughter raised her brows. She meant Steve.

Peggy smiled.

“We agreed a long time ago, if we do this, we’re all in.” he followed suit and put his arm around her. they hadn’t discussed this at all, they were attempting to piece things back together bit by bit, he had hoped things would include their ‘all in clause’ but he wasn’t sure. Nothing was for sure anymore, least of all if it was even what Steve wanted anymore.

“There’s a lot of balls in the air –“at that Rory burst out laughing and attempted to hide it with a cough. Bucky liked this punk. Both his women rolled their eyes at the same time. 

“But, we’re gonna see how it goes.” Peggy decided and he nodded. Their kid, their 20 something kid, and her boyfriend nodded.

“That’s nice.” Rory added. Smiling. 

“Yeah so this is where I grew up, this is exactly HOW I grew up. They’re weird as all hell, my Steve lives next door – or does when he’s here, and yeah, so this is my dad… and my old place.” She added with a dramatic wave of her hand. “We’re out of here.”

“Bells, wait, come on, let’s get some food with your folks huh?” Yeah Rory could stay, for now, Bucky thought. “I’ve wanted to meet your dad for a while now, and I’d like to proper, Sir, if you would? And it’s always nice to see –“ he stopped again, mental images of naked Peggy no doubt flying through his mind. Bucky smirked. “Spending time with your mum, right? Weren’t’ you just telling me about that place you guys would go, for pizza?”

“I’m starving.” Bucky piped up and Bella just made her ‘ew’ face, mostly because yeah, sex hunger, what could he say.

“Of course you are,” Bella sassed, but gave in. “Fine, but you guys can’t come out with us stinking like sex.”

At that Peggy laughed, hiding her face in Bucky’s arm.

“I’m so sorry Bells.” She said, muffled through his shirt. As their kid just ‘yeah, yeah’d’ them before agreeing to meet them at their restaurant in twenty minutes. It was two blocks away, it was very doable. 

“Order me a large!” Bucky called and he heard Rory laugh as she all but dragged him down the steps.

Successfully pissing their daughter off was one of his favourite pastimes. He’d missed it. He closed the door and they just looked at each other before bursting out laughing.

“That was FUN!” 

***

As it turns out Bucky Barnes was not the badass intimidating dad he tried so hard to be. Turns out seeing a man look at his daughter with love and down right adoration made him very chilled out. That and post sex pizza really did help. 

He decided Rory was a ‘nice kid’ and that he made Bella snort laugh which was no easy thing, and that maybe he could stay. It made Peggy happy, because if she knew anything about her daughter, this one was The One, if all things went her way. Which in itself was a terrifying notion, and one he wanted to ignore as hard as he could. The fact that their daughter had a love life at all should have been illegal, he didn’t care how irrational it was. 

Though his own love life being as up in the air as it was, he was glad that that same evening, Peggy took him back to her hotel, they showered together, ate together, and snuggled in to watch some TV together, all the while booking travel plans for the very next day in order to make things right with the group. It felt good being back in her arms, but as always now, two's company, three was home.

Both filed for family emergency time off work that same night, and, well, who was to say what the emergency was!

****

“It’s been awhile since we did this.” Bucky whispered, his lock pickers between his teeth. She was keeping watch.

“Yes breaking a law -”

He chuckled, before they heard the lock click.

“Aw come on, Peg, you love it.”

Maybe she did, maybe just a little.

“ ‘Member that weddin’? The one we fucked in their honeymoon suite?” 

How could she forget, it made her laugh, as he swung the door open for her to step through.

“Man, Steve is such a fuckin’ neat freak. It’s always been unsettling.” He said in jest, as they flipped on the lights to the blank and dull hotel room. It smelled like Steve’s cologne, it had his clothes on the bed, over the chair, an empty coffee mug on the window. There was noise from the bathroom, he was in the shower.

Bucky threw himself on the neatly made bed. 

“Guess we wait.”

And wait they did. 

Some twenty minutes later, a puff of steam and a damp Steve exited the bathroom.

“Hello handsome.” Peggy said from where she was now stretched out on his bed now, her hand on her cheek, laying in wait. Steve almost jumped out of his fucking skin, he’d been toweling his hair, completely unaware there was anyone in his room. 

Both of them. 

As Buck appeared from the farthest window. Smiling. His beard thicker than last time he saw him. Steve liked it. Alot.

“Jesus Christ! How the hell - What the hell? How did you two? … You know what.” he put down his towel, “I shouldn’t even ask.”

“You shouldn’t.” Bucky added, folding Steve’s towel that he had haphazardly threw on a chair. 

“I should be used to this, you are both much better spies than I ever was.” They were, even with his enhanced hearing they had bested him.

“That is true.” Peggy added before smoothly standing from the bed and walking over to Steve. She didn’t wait for anything, before she threaded her fingers in his wet hair and went in for a kiss. He happily grabbed her by the butt and opened himself to it. Before he could get too into  it though, he felt Bucky at her side, she moved back and he moved in for the kill too, rougher, his kiss more urgent, his beard burning - a thing of beauty.  

_ God he’d missed them. _

He was light headed and not just from the super hot shower either.

“Not that this isn’t amazing, but what are you both doing here? Is everything okay - Is Bella?”

“Bella’s fine, darling, just fine.” Peggy added before glancing at Bucky. “We missed you.”

His heart skipped a beat, he was sure of it.

“Yeah?”

She smiled. That soft, Peggy smile that says, ‘Yes, Steve don’t be a fool’, and he loved it.

“ _ Always _ . But we were thinking maybe it was time … just time.”

“Time to get the band back together, if you think that’s somethin’ you’d want again?” Buck interjected.

Even though they parted for a time very ammically, it really had gone on too long. He had just never been the one to make the first move, even then. Time is what was needed, they had all been together in one way or another for over _ forty years, _ it was logical to his brain that was break was necessary to keep their sanity, their love and themselves intact. That never meant that his stupid, illogical heart ever agreed. They had parted ways, in part to escape the whispers of their Brooklyn neighbours, who were growing older now, as things for them stayed basically as they had always been. They knew, sooner or later relocation was necessary, but each one of them loathed the idea of moving from their beloved bite of Brooklyn. In the same sense, space was needed too, they had clung on to long, too tight, and in loving something you let it go, you don’t squeeze it so tight that it suffocates. They learned that a long time ago. 

But then, if it was what they all wanted, what was the sense in staying apart when they could now come together and part when the tide took them. They were secure now, and after all these years, Steve felt relieved at the fact.

He takes Bucky by surprise then kissing him suddenly, hungrily, his hands in Bucky’s  hair aggressively tugging; manhandling playfully, until Steve’s towel around his waist falls to the floor, and Bucky does what he does best, pushes Steve’s buttons by stepping back to admire his fully flushed body. The smell of steam and soap wafting through their senses. It felt nice, Peggy mused, like they were all as fresh and clean as the smells.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you, Sweetheart.”  Bucky all but moans right then and there.

Steve braces himself for the kiss that comes, rough and almost panicked. Like he had just realised how much he  _ had  _ missed him, and needed to taste every inch of him before it was too late.  Steve’s hand on Bucky’s chest he groans, as Steve’s hands struggle with the buckle of Bucky’s belt, before Steve felt her presence.

“As fun as this is to watch, and believe me I’d almost forgotten how much fun. May I?” -  A glint in her eye and a smile on her face. As much as she wished for the patience and grace to simply watch the beauty that was her two men together, Peggy always was a possessive woman, and in the absence of them, it only grew stronger. Both men just smiled warmly at her, pupils dilated to hell. It was her favourite look on them both. Wrecked to hell or just about to be that relaxed lust, it was her happy place.

Steve brushed her hair away from her face and kissed the side of her neck, her shoulder, while Bucky repeated achingly slow kisses against her opposite side. When they did this her whole body lit up, a half a second of anxiety ran through her, giving up such control to them, but she knew it was exactly what she wanted.  Her face and chest were flushed, her hips bucking, as Bucky masterfully undid her dress from where he stood to her back, the long zip allowing the dress to drop swiftly to the floor, leaving her standing there in just her heels and underwear, for a second at least, the clasp of her bra were snapped by Bucky, before he laid a soft kiss to her back, Steve slid her knickers down slowly, until he was on his knees looking up at her, through those stupidly soft lashes of his.

“Somehow, I’m not the first one naked this time,” Peggy sighed, smiling down at him, before letting him widen her stance just so before he leaned up to kiss her there. Her body went limp, knowing Bucky was at her back, to hold her, to watch, to enjoy it as much as she was -  if she felt what she felt pushing against her tailbone. She slid her leg on Steve’s shoulder giving him better access to what he wanted, what she wanted, and God, to think there was a time he was ever a novice at such things! 

She ran her fingers through Steve’s hair over and over lost in what he was doing to her, lost in the feel of Bucky’s kisses on her neck too. So worked up and blissed out her own orgasm took her by surprise, a low moan turned into a yelp that made Bucky laugh, the feel of her breath on her ear now extra sensitive. 

“My legs are -” 

“Yeah, we got you, babe.” Bucky added before scooping her up gently and laying her on the bed, before he turned to Steve to kiss him, knowing who he’d taste instead. 

“You know, our wife is filthy.” Bucky added, pulling back from the kiss to a beaming Steve, both of them breathless - she scooted up on the bed, kicking down the covers - they wouldn’t need them for a while. 

“I know, but how so this time?” Steve asked smiling at her, raking his hand through his soft beard.

“Well, on the plane ride here? She kept whispering things to me, terrible, dirty things -” Buck’s voice was low and focused, and a hundred percent Brooklyn, he knew for Steve’s benefit at that second. Peggy rolled her eyes, as they both moved to join her on the bed, Bucky shucking off the rest of his clothes on one side, Steve, kneeling in beside her on the other, placing a kiss to her shoulder.

“All of these really imaginative things, kinky, sinful things she wanted to do... to you.”

Steve’s eyebrows quirked in surprise. Making Bucky laugh as he pulled him in for a kiss, both of them kneeling either side of her on the bed. It made her laugh too. Because even now after so long, after doing this so many times it was a well rehearsed dance, still his surprise and sweetness took her by the heart strings.

“Really?” Steve asked, and she just quirked a brow, as if to say, ‘of course.’ 

“What kinda things?”

“All the things.” Peggy answered right away, moving so she too was on her knees, she and Buck had discussed this, that it needed to be, at least most of it, all about Steve that night. Getting the band back together, required all three feeling good and willing, which it seemed he still was. She thanked all the gods that listened.

“All the things you like, all the things you love.” she whispered. “All the things you know only I can do for you,” she moved in, painfully slowly, her mouth hoovering at his neck, the vein there was her favourite to suck on. “Not to mention all the things only Bucky can do for you.” That made him shiver, his lip between his teeth. 

Yeah, he knew what was coming.

_ Him. _


End file.
